Farewell, My friends

I have started and restarted this post a bagillion times. And I've thought about what I would say and how I'd make this work.

Over a year ago, I started this blog. I was going through an excruciating time in life, trying to figure out where Chris' and my relationship was heading. I was sad. I was drained. I was searching. I was conflicted. And I knew that, in some way or another, the year held many more changes..

I have always loved writing. I love getting my thoughts on paper, and as a mom, finding time to type was easier than sitting down with my paper journal. I didn't think many people would read this blog, as I only told family and my closest friends about the URL (blog address).

Before I knew it, I had people searching for me online. People from all over the world who would comment and follow along in my life. Somehow I brought some people hope. Somehow I brought some people laughter. And somehow I brought people insight.

But I wrote for me. I wrote my story according to what I wanted the world to know. The truth, perhaps only shared in pieces. My cathartic confessional.

I go back to my "FOCUS" for the year. MAKE THE CHANGE. Change is good. I was talking with Em today about being unhappy, and how there are so many things that we all do in life that KEEP us unhappy. Things that we can change if we just get up and do it. Things that maybe we're afraid of, but we KNOW we need to do. Things that may continue to hold us down because that's the only place we choose to be. Being held back because of our laziness. Or our fear. Or our anger towards someone else.

I am making the change. I am grabbing the sharper knife.

452 published posts later, I have now got over 150+ readers DAILY. I have some who visit daily, some who visit weekly, and even some who stalk
visit multiple times a day.

I am not a secretive person. I have no enemies of my choosing, and I have no animosity towards anyone. However, my blog is not 'mine' anymore. I have to watch what I write because of people I know who read. There are exes. There is EF. And I don't want to have to do that in my blog. The angst that this blog started with is no longer in my heart.

The blog now isn't only mine...I am not single. I have Will. We are a package now. And, I have perfect peace in life now. I have a beautiful family. And I have hope like no other! I have never known a love so amazing, and, if I could share even just a morsel with everyone, I would. Divorce is a horrible, hurtful, hard road. I have been so blessed in spite of some of my choices. I do NOT wish an affair, or a divorce on ANYONE. But, if you are one of those fateful unlucky, my empathy and heart and prayers go out to you. Keep doing what makes you YOU, and, I hope, you'll find someone who makes you HAPPY in the near future, as I have been so lucky to find myself.

I was seriously contemplating making this blog private, and just continuing the story from here. But I think that it's better to put ALL my heartache from the past behind me and to leave on a good note. Secondly, I want people to continue to stumble on this blog as some have done, and, hopefully somehow, they'll find a post that may help THEM through a divorce/separation/first-time dating.

So, friends, I am closing this blog. This is my last entry as Debbi from Daisyhalos.

I am, however, opening a new one. A blog with the pitfalls and happinesses of raising 4 bonus-children alongside my own. A blog of a second, BETTER, marriage. A blog where I don't feel like I have to hide certain information from strangers, people from my past, and the general public.

My "followers" will be allowed on the new blog with their email addresses, and family members too. So, friends who I don't have as listed followers (and I know there are quite a few), send me an email to debbirn2b@hotmail DOT com, and I'll put you as an allowed reader. *EDIT* I can't get my follower's emails, blogger's being silly. So, sorry guys, but just send me an email saying "hey" and I'll make sure to get you on the safe list.

Until I meet you on the other blog, friends, I bid Adieu.
In honour of my last Daisyhalos Six Word "Wednesday", I write:


And They Lived Happily Ever After.



***FINAL EDIT*** after a bunch of contemplation, I realized that being a private blog annoys the heck out of me. Besides, I'm really not that interesting! ;) So, the new blog can be found at www.ninepeasinthepod.blogspot.com See you there! :)

FIFTY-TWO "FIND MOM" FRIDAYS!!

Last night we went to the Block Party for the soccer camp that the Baptist church puts on every year. I've put my kids in it for 3 years, and it's a SUPER program! They just rock. I'm so annoyed, however, as this year they're only doing it for the little kids, and the program they're running for the bigger kids is during a week I'm out with Sin and Will's family, camping.

But, that soccer camp is where I met EF years ago. And I'm always afraid of running into her again at these block parties and such. Is it kind of wrong for me to be relieved that she's likely seen the FOR SALE sign on my lawn and now she knows I'm going to be gone?! Half of me expects her to phone me to ask where I'm moving to or something once she sees the SOLD sign. I find that lately I am much more paranoid about running into her unexpectedly. Or, worse, that she calls me or something with the excuse that she has money she wants to get to me (which, yes, she DOES owe me money, but I'm SOOOO letting it go- not worth the phone call.)

There's certain times I find myself more prone to thinking about her- and the soccer camp is one of them. And although I didn't put my kids into the community soccer this year, her daughter and LL were on the same team one year, so when I drive past the teams playing, I can't help but wonder if they're there.

Are her and Steve still together? Last I knew, he was living in the basement. Was that her car? Does her daughter still get on the bus at the end of my street? Do they still live in the house I designed? Is she still using that horrible, semi-abusive dayhome? Is she sleeping with THAT dayhome-mom's husband?! (oops, was that my outside voice?!)

It's an obsession at times. An annoying obsession I'd like to be DONE with. It's not all the time, either, and it goes away. But right now, I find it creeping back in. And I don't like her in my thoughts, as I don't find it productive in any way. I'd like to say it doesn't happen, but I think it'll be many years before time passes and I'll realize I didn't think about her even ONCE. This, in my opinion, is expected and normal. And it's rarer and rarer lately. Which just reaffirms: It will be nice to move away.

On other notes:

I'm joining a year long challenge, created by Carin at Forever In Blue Jeans. The goal is to be in one picture a week, for 52 weeks. Since us moms are always behind the camera, this gives us a chance to get out in front and be in the pictures with our family. So, click on the button if you want to join in on the fun!

So, here's Week One of 52, me and Mimi and Bear at the soccer camp/block party last night. I think it was a bit sunny! ;)

A, B, C, D, E, ...G, H, I

Talking on the phone to Will. The other line beeps in. I recognize the number.

*Commence heart racing.*

D: Oh Crap. Hey, can I call you back? It's EF.
Will: yah, okay.

*click*
D: Hello?
EF: Hey!
D: uh, how are you?
EF: Good. You?
D: well, I called the other day because I wanted to apologize for you feeling uncomfortable the other day.
EF: *laughs* well, YOU didn't do anything.
D: technically, no, but I am sorry that it didn't work out the way it should have. I knew he was going to talk to you, but I had kinda thought that you'd be the one to decide if that happened or not. I'm sorry that wasn't your choice, and you felt upsetted by it.
EF: Thanks. No, I wouldn't have ever called him.
D: well, that was your choice. I'm sorry you didn't get to make it.
...
...
..
But, the other thing *commence shaking and rambling* is that, ... well... I don't know what you know. Well, seeing as I haven't talked to you since I saw you last, I know you DON'T know. But the papers are in, and Chris and I are divorcing in a few weeks. He's out of the house now Pretty much after you left (on vacation)-- nearly, RIGHT after.
EF: WHAT? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know, no, but last time I was here, I thought you two were trying to work it through.
D: well, that's just it. The last time you were here, I pretty much realized that I couldn't have him around. Having him around was a constant reminder of pain. I love him, and it's not because he did anything wrong, but... I need to move on and having him here doesn't let that happen. *Big breath. Commence silent tears and more shaking, voice faltering. * Which is why I need you out too. I mean, I love you, and... I just... I'm shaking like crazy... I just... but seeing you reminded me of that pain.
EF: just seeing my face?
D: no. Having the kids back in the home... just... everything. I reread my journal from that time, too, and realized that I was in the same place emotionally then as I was now. I mean, I had gone through so much, and grown in lots of ways, but that I was still no further ahead. And that wasn't okay with me. I realized that, although I honestly do forgive you, and love you, *commence out loud crying now, sniffing, voice still shaking and cracking* and will miss you like crazy, I realize you're a part of my life I need out. Like Chris, you are a reminder of that pain.
EF: it's okay, hun. It's probably better for both of us in order to progress in our lives.
D: yah. I enjoyed our friendship a lot, but kinda know, and... I'm trying to be nice and not offensive because I don't want that... but that our friendship wasn't what I thought it was anyways.
EF: I know. It is now, though.
D: I know. When you called to tell me he called, I really appreciated that, and knew that our friendship was different. Which is why I don't think I was able to tell you then, when I should have.
...
...
*tears*
I'm so sorry. I've never told anyone to get out of my life, and I love you and this is really upsetting me. I'm sorry I couldn't be that friend you need.

EF: No, I understand. Hey, don't worry, hun. It wasn't your fault. ...

But I will wave at you, or say hello, if we happen to pass each other on the street or something.

*silence*

D: I can be friendly. There's no reason not to be. But I don't want you to phone me, or try to set up dates with the kids or anything.
EF: Okay. I love you too. And, don't worry. You can always change your mind later. Who knows.

*Crying*
D: I gotta go. I'm sorry. I love you.

*Click*


The shaking has still not stopped.

Six Word Saturday

Got brave. Called EF. No answer.




(Visit Cate at Show My Face for the original 6 Word Saturday, and play along)

Like All Friday the Thirteenths

• Like all divorces, there's a new 'hang up'.

Chris never took the Parenting After Separation course that we were both supposed to take last summer. I took it, but he never did. The judge has our papers in his hand-

Now we are waiting for him to take that course to be done with it. More waiting.

• Like all affairs, there's sometimes residual hurt.
  

Yesterday, I got a phone call. I knew the number on the caller ID- and was surprised to see it was EF calling from work. She said she wanted me to know that Chris called her just now. When I explained that I knew he wanted to talk to her, she informed me that she didn't want to speak with him. I thanked her for telling me right away. It showed some change in her character.

I hung up after a few more words. Shaking. It's too hard to have her in my life. I didn't have the nerve to tell her I needed her out of my life. I just couldn't do it. I don't know how I am going to do that. I've never once purposefully told someone to get out of my life. I'm not that type of person.

Chris called a minute or so after to tell me he tried calling her. By then, I was crying and shaking and not well emotionally. But glad he, too, told me. He says it was the closure he needed. So for that, I am thankful for his sake. I did say I wasn't into talking at that time, though, hung up the phone and cried more. Not out of hurt, but out of bad memories.

• UNlike all divorces, I have a great Ex.

He called later on in the day. to check on me. To ask if, maybe he could come over and order pizza for me so I didn't have to think about dinner. Asked if I was sure that I didn't want him to take the kids this weekend in case I needed the break. Talked to me about coming to church on Sunday to watch Jeremy's scripture in Primary and how Will will be there. That will be the first time they'll really 'meet' since we started dating. (They first met on the same night that *I* met Will)

Talked to me about my journey to higher spirituality. About meetings I have coming up, and parts of the refining process. He knows I'm sad about it. And was genuinely loving in expressing his sympathies to me.

I have a great Ex.

• Like all long-distance relationships, I'm excited to see Will this weekend.

I am pretty lucky to have found a guy who gets that, sometimes, I just need a day. A day to be away from the computer or phone. A day to collect my thoughts. A day to digest. Or a day to be sad... maybe even TWO days! I am grateful for that mutual understanding, where I don't feel like I have to apologize for tears over a failed marriage. Even if I know the 'failure' was a blessing in disguise.

I'm pretty lucky that he thinks I'm kinda something sorta maybe special too.

Lancing

Friday night, I was driving. If I leave my community a certain way, I see EF's house.. and, in case you're new here... that USED to be *MY* house. I see into her kitchen, I see into her bedroom. I know when she's home. When she's not. And that night, I saw the lights on.

I contemplated, even in my ratty sweats and crazy hair, driving over to her house and just ripping off the bandaid. Instead of waiting for her to contact me, taking the plunge myself. Getting her out of my life for the final time. Telling her what I needed to tell her, and walking away down her driveway, LIKELY crying, but better off in the long run. As I drove, I played the whole 'speech' out. I worded everything perfectly. I was kind. I was honest. I was exactly what I want her to remember me as.

I didn't think about it again, until I was driving BACK home. A car passed me on the highway close to home, and it was her car. Well, it LOOKED like her car. Same make and model and colour. I didn't see the driver. As it passed me, I checked the license plate to see if it WAS her.

The plate stated simply this: NME ***

hm. interesting.

I got home, and remembered this letter I drafted a long while ago, and thought I'd share it.

********************

Dear EF.

After sitting here for a few minutes, I've tried to decide how to start this letter, or, more importantly, how to end it. But, instead of trying to 'plan' my thoughts, you're just gonna have to bear with me and read them as they fly.

Do you have any idea how much of my life you infiltrated? How much of my heart you still hold? How much of it you broke? The thing is, I know you DON'T have any idea. You can't understand. Because, if you loved me like I loved you, we would be having quite a different conversation.

I am mad.
I want you and all remains of this pain to get out. Out of my life, out of my community, out of 'my house', out of my head and out of my heart. Thankfully, the wretched couch is out. And Chris is out. And there's no way to get all of those wishes to come true. But "out of my life"-- that one I can control.

So. Here it is. I love you. I hate you. And I want to eradicate you from as much of my life as possible. Don't call me. Don't email me. Don't come over. Don't wave to me at the school bus stop. Please-- to you, I do not exist. Apparently, that shouldn't be too hard for you- you incredulously managed to imagine my nonexistence when you were busy with my husband.

How obtuse of you to think that, because I'm a loving person, you can be my friend now. That using me as a doormat is acceptable to you. A place to drop your kids while you stab me in the back. Don't hug me. Don't even think about mentioning my name to your children... they are victims too, and they don't deserve it. You keep them at a dayhome that abuses them (which I witnessed and TOLD YOU ABOUT) and it disgusts me. I love your children sometimes more than I think you do. You used to tell Chris that you knew what love was... I am starting to highly doubt that.

"Steve" is so much more of a man than you've ever deserved. To cheat on him as many times as you have, in his bed, in his home, with his friends... you're a whore. But that's your marriage. And my heart hurts so badly for him. He is a good man. You do not love him. And from what you've said to me, you will likely hurt him yet again in the future. Bravo for taking such a sweet spirit and wrapping it around your betraying, fornicating fingers. You are NOT honest with him now. And if I was half what you are, I'd let him know. But I'm better than that. I can't be like you.

So. In spite of what seems easier, I love you. And I always will. I'd say I'm sorry for the things I've said above, but I guess we know that "sorrys" don't really cut it sometimes.

I believe that I forgive you. And I KNOW I need you out.

One Year "Suck"iversary Today

Sorry, followers (and any lurkers out there).

I am not in the mood lately.
I cried much too much this weekend.
I am angry and hurt and reliving it all.

It's part of the process. The ups and downs.


But I have received a blessing. And had some peace. And cried. And learnt and grew and reflected.
And I will be fine in a day or two. Maybe in an hour or so, even.
Who knows.
I just know eventually I'll write. I'm sorry if you wonder where I am. (I know, how narcissistic of me! lol)

Okay, Okay, I'll Blog already- Wednesday Ws

It's been a month of Sundays since I did this, so, without further adieu, I present Wednesday Ws.

Who: Chris
What: surprised me
Where: sitting here at the computer
When: Last night
Why: he decided to read this blog. It's always good when he reads it-- it lets him kinda get into my 'head' a bit. Not that I don't tell him the same things I say here, but he says reading things is sometimes easier than hearing them. So, he sat and read the past few entries. The one with my friend and my conversation, the one about Nourishing... then he's all.. "uh, where is today's post?!" but I hadn't written yesterday, so I guess I should write today.
I don't know what he thinks about what he read. But I do know he gets me a lot more than I thought he did.
Today he told me that he doesn't think this will work out. Not because of anything on his part, but because of things I say or the way I am thinking lately.
I'm not sure he's wrong. But I am not sure he's right. I mean, I want this to work. I love him, he loves me (and I know that now), we don't fight about money like most people, we communicate what *I* see as fairly well, and we enjoy each other. So why doesn't this have potential?? Me.
I was talking to a friend who is also going through a divorce right now, and they asked me, "What do you want?". I replied, "I want to love without thinking again. Like I used to."
Is that possible? I don't know if I will ever 'love without thinking' anyone ever again. Or is it just not with Chris? Am I permanently damaged goods now? Never giving that up? I mean, I'm technically AFRAID to give it up-- I still have the emails from EF to Chris and from Chris to EF on my computer. And, the other day, I re-read them. Which only puts me into a horribly sad mood. And yes, I did it to myself. And I'm dumb for doing it. And I have ALL the power to erase those. But, something in me can't. Like I'm afraid of 'forgetting'. Or moving on-- moving on means changing something in a way I don't get to control? Maybe I would finally move on with Chris if I got rid of those. And EF. (I'm seriously contemplating telling her that I need her out of my life-- but we'll see. )

Who: Me
What: ate meat
Where: at my kitchen table
When: last night for dinner
Why: we had the 'mormonaries' (aka: missionaries) over for dinner last night. They know I'm doing the raw vegan thing, but I feel bad forcing others to eat it. So I made ribs. And, lemme tell ya.

It was SUPER delicious.

Man, I miss meat!!! THANKFULLY, my tummy didn't get upset with it, and I feel fine. But, I was back to my shake this morning. mmm. Berries and Flax, nothing better. And snap peas for snack. And Avocados. And all yummy goodness. For lunch, I'm making seasoned yam wedges-- by the way, they taste SO good, I feel like I'm cheating every time I eat them! And I've had a head cold for a week or so-- I especially like the pumpkin-orange goop left in the Kleenex after I eat that! LOL A few chickpeas and hummus and almonds and other veggies to round out lunch-- making me hungry!

Who: Seeley Carpet Cleaners
What: call nearly EVERY month
Where: ???? (doesn't apply)
When: uh. Every month. Keep up, eh?!
Why: to con me into using their cheap-arse carpet cleaning services. I hate professional carpet cleaning-- they do a TERRIBLE job. Me and Safeway's Rug Doctor do 5x a better job thankyouverymuch. HOWEVER, they also do furnaces. For ONCE, when I needed my furnace done, they actually phoned at a convenient time! So, Saturday, my home will be flushed of all germy nasty spores and my furnace will be running like...well... like a furnace!

Who: My girlfriend, my parents, and my brother
What: will be sleeping
Where: in my home
When: from tonight until the weekend is done
Why: Girlfriend has a convention in town and needs a place to sleep and eat. No problem, although, since Chris is officially 'OUT' by tonight, I'll be doing the single-mom thing again and will likely be running around with 3 monkeys every night... to do crap like get valentines made for school... which isn't even held on Valentine's Day... which meant I thought I got out of dumb stuff like that...which means I don't... which means I now will have a million square pieces of Sponge Bob valentines to pick up around the house... and chocolate wrappers... which is only annoying because I don't get to eat any of the chocolate.., because I'm raw vegan...and because Chris won't be giving me a Valentine's present...because I think Valentine's is a stupid holiday... and I've told him not to...which only means he should anyways... although, is he technically my valentine considering I've practically kicked him out?.. Not sure how much fun of a hostess I'm gonna be. LOL.
My parents are only here for a night on their way to a cruise. Yah. nice. I wanna go away. In fact, I was telling Chris that I am seriously contemplating taking a few days off and going somewhere warm. Like, beach-warm. Alone. 100% completely alone. Because I need to get away for a bit. Alas, I have a job.

Who: you guys
What: need to play along'
Where: below in the 'comment section'
When: today, Word Verification Wednesday, of course
Why: because it's fun. And I like reading your funny answers. Not sure what Word Verification Wednesday is? Check out Jillybean at Thou Shalt Not Whine to play along. Good times are had all over bloggyland.

Fragmented Sentences

I should blog.
I should talk about the conversations I've had in the past few days.

The lack of sleep. The tears. the hilarious conversations. everything.
There's just so much to touch on- conversations with people I've never met who can understand so much about my marriage and me. Who help me to see things from a different, yet understandable view.
Conversations with people who make me laugh. or cry. or think.
And lots of conversations with Chris. so many things. so many.
I'm working on not many hours of sleep. Since Thursday, I haven't gone to bed earlier than 3 am!

I could talk about Friday when EF brought her kids over. And I was working on 2 hours of sleep. And I wasn't ready.

I wasn't ready to see her drop off her kids again in my home. I really want to be, but that day, it wasn't happening. She leans in for a hug. And I think that I'm not a 'friend-hugger' on the best of days..and today... today I didn't want to hug her at all!~ I just couldn't wait for her to pick up her kids. Not because of the kids... not at all. But because then I knew she was gone for a month. Like today's holiday, I could hide away for 6 more weeks. I wouldn't have to see her again until March.

I could talk about my date with Chris on Saturday night. How much fun we have when it's just us, out, together. And how, even with that, I still don't feel good to commit 100% to staying with someone who's willing to work on so many things. Maybe I'm the one who can't change my spots?

Issues Episodes: EF back in my life

(Written Thursday)

EF's been a person in my life since we met years ago. At that time, we were both young mothers with young kids in Soccer Camp. She was friendly and fun. Our kids got along well. And I ran a dayhome and she needed a new one.

It worked for the both of us. Money for me, security for her kids, relief for her. *Apparently, it also worked into a bang-buddy for Chris.* (cue bitter sentence end-- actually, who are we kidding? there's a lot of 'bitter' in this one. Get over it. and yes, I'm saying that to you AND me)

She became one of my closest friends. I saw her EVERY day. I grew to love her kids soooo much. I told her things I didn't really tell anyone else. I trusted her with so many facets of my marriage. Told her the bad, the good, and the great parts of Chris (*things she apparently needed to find out for herself?*) I confided in her in a way I don't confide in my friends anymore. I'm now afraid to tell my friends anything about my interactions with Chris. I can't vent, can't share ideas.

She has ruined friendships for me from the way they used to be. I have some INCREDIBLE friends. INCREDIBLE. But, at one time in my life, she was part of that list. Now I am too afraid that, just around the corner, another friend will slap me in the face as equally blatantly and painfully.

I bit off more than I could chew, and built a home I couldn't afford. We needed out of the house. EF wanted a bigger, nicer home.
Again, it worked out, and she and her hubby bought the BRAND-NEW, (beautiful, dream home) house that I lovingly built and designed. I didn't want to abuse or lose a friendship, so I charged her the EXACT price of the home we bought it for. No profit, although, we COULD HAVE made nearly 100,000$ if we sold it publicly. Nope. This just felt "right" to me.

I have always thought she was beautiful.
*Apparently, so did Chris.* She was on my list of people from yesterday's post I wanted to be like.

And when it all went unravelling in front of me, I missed her friendship dearly. I missed her kids. I missed seeing her daily. I hated driving out of my community, as I was FORCED to see my beautiful home with her inside. I couldn't get away from her, and I wanted to. But I didn't want to.

Then I dealt with a million pieces of shrapnel. I put what I could together, and discarded what I couldn't. Albeit scarred, I got better. Until I read Chris' journal, and found out that his disinterest in contacting EF was a lie. He wanted to see her again. To sleep with her again.

I told him to get out. We were done.



****
I have forgiven both of them. I have 'played' with her since. I have enjoyed being around her again. I have cried with her, and I look forward to having her back in my life.
Today, she could call. She could bring her children back into my home. I feel peace and joy when they're here.

She needs a friend. Someone who understands the situation and understands her pain. She needs me. I can't turn away someone who needs my help. I won't knowingly EVER do that.

If Chris is here, how do I know I'm not putting myself back at the same risk? How do I know she's telling the truth when she says she doesn't want to sleep with Chris? When he tells me he's sooooo done with that, how do I know he's telling the truth when he has already lied to me (albeit a long time ago) about his desire not to sleep with her? How do I know they're not currently sleeping together?! How can I deal with this constant paranoia, still have Chris in my life, and still have EF in my life?


*****
(written Friday)

Funny.
Today she called. Needed me to watch her son. And I was, of course, fine with that. Enjoyed the phone conversation, hung up, and proceeded to get all anxious again. WTF?!

I went and put on makeup. Obsessed over what pants to wear so I don't look fat. Obsessed over how to do my hair without making it look 'done'. Jewellery? No. Earrings? uh..too much. Then I cleaned. ANYTHING that could be seen from the front door.

Just.
to.
impress.
her.

To show her that I've got my crap together. That I'm doing well. That everything in my life is pretty and clean and put together. I even wiped the wood with wood-cleaner. So it was shiny.

Pathetic.
And then she arrived. And everything was good.

She'll be calling this evening to tell me if I'm watching her kids this week-- looks likely. Is this my subconscious "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" thing?!! I can't even tell you which side of that equation she's on!

Still, the funniest part about this all: WHO CARES IF THEY DO!? (have another affair)

Really...
The worst that could happen is that they have another affair. So? Good. Answers TONNES of questions quite permanently. I mean, what am I so afraid of? Losing Chris? (uh, do I WANT someone who'd willingly hurt me TWICE and abuse my forgiveness?! Besides. Big deal- I've lived without him once, I perfectly well know I'd be fine if I did it again!) Alternately, what, I lose EF? Big EF'n deal. LOL

So really. I'm dumb. He couldn't hurt me twice with an affair. I did so well in the first one, I'm not really afraid of any others. Not INVITING of others, but that's my biggest fear, and honestly, it's a dumb fear. If I *HAVE* to fear something, I should fear the unknown. Fear mighties. But fearing another affair?? Something I've been through and 'survived'?! That's just moronic.

This Was the Year.

It's the last day of December. And, in previous years, I've done this meme and it's always fun to look back on. After SUCH a crazy year, these answers may prove difficult to answer, or blatantly obviously easy. Okay, here goes:

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
drank alcohol

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make resolutions. Every day should be a new attempt at being better, not every year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
At my age, EVERYONE is giving birth. But my sister CC did, to baby Tiny. This is her with her cousin R-guy. Cutest babes of the year!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
luckily, no. Not that I recall.

5. What countries did you visit?
Canada and the US.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A healthy, secure relationship

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 16th- found out about EF. June 1st- Chris moved out.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
living on my 'own', losing weight, and emotionally dealing.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I'm not sure, but I'm sure SOMEONE will let me know! ;)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
nothing big, no. Emotional injury was about it.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
The girls. The sisters. The Twins. .... b@@bapalooza.12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Wow. A HUGE list of people. Friends who lost weight and maintained healthy lifestyles; my sisters and brothers for MANY various things I'm proud of them for; my parents, their renovations, the million things they do for others; Chris' changes, his outlook; many friends having babies, changing relationships, finding themselves...

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed?
Chris'. EFs. Some spouses of my girlfriends. Beau's.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Uh... I had money? Probably to food! These dayhome kids eat a LOT! And mortgage. On frivilous things? Clothes-- I went through many sizes this year, so I had to revamp ALL my clothes- from pants and dresses to bras and panties.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The Family Reunion in August.

(Awww. brotherly love. Slightly funny, slightly cute, and VERY disturbing!)

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
TOO MANY! I have almost a song-a-day kind of life. In general, "I Wish" -Jo Dee Messina, and "Stay"- Sugarland

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? thinner, although, it's almost the same
iii. richer or poorer? richer in ALL ways

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
counselling, working out, playing with my kids, travelling, eating healthier

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
gossiping, Facebook

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
At home. In Lethbridge with family for dinner. (this has already happened, so it's kinda tough to answer for NEXT year!)

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Yes. Over again.

23. How many one-night stands?
HAHAHAH. Seriously!? This questions makes me laugh every year. Oooh, let's answer this in a way to get people all worried...
uh...
"I never slept with anyone when Chris wasn't there!". hahaha.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Prison Break. the ONLY show I dont' answer the phone in the middle of.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No. I don't 'hate' people.

26. What was the best book you read?
The Five Love Languages

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Lady Ga Ga, I guess. I love LOTS of artists, but most of them aren't new. Although Uncle Kannie introduced me to lots of good musicians while he lived here.

28. What did you want and get?
Personal clarity to find happiness, a new boyfriend, a happy relationship

29. What did you want and not get?
Personal ownership of personal decisions

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
Out of this list, I haven't seen many films of 2008. FAVOURITE?? Sex and the City, the movie, I guess. Other than that, in no particular order, I saw: Baby Mama, Made of Honour, Drillbit Taylor, Fool's Gold, The Lazarus Project, Kung Fu Panda, Tinkerbell, WallE, 21, What Happens in Vegas, Madagascar 2, Ironman, Mamma Mia, The Dark Knight, and 27 Dresses.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I trick-or-treated with the kids. Chris took me to Banff for the weekend. I turned 28.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

• I'd say "no affair", but that was in 2007 (mostly), and secondly, I think that the inner things that came out of that storm have been INCREDIBLY satisfying. I would have that pain again to have this joy and enlightenment.
• Less care for what others think about me.
  

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Evolving. I went from frumpy wife to thinner wife to thinner single-girl.

34. What kept you sane?
walks with the girls when I needed them the most!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
i don't like celebrity/public figures like that. I guess Wentworth Miller... but not really.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The voting in the USA between Obama and McCain. The Coalition here in Canada.

37. Who did you miss?
Chris. Family.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I met lots of people this year, but lots of them I only know through computers, so we haven't really "met". People because of the TV show, mostly.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
When you listen to what your heart says, you may stand alone, but you'll live with no regrets.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I am not a child now.
I can take care of myself.
I mustn't let them down now-
Mustn't let them see me cry.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm too tired to listen.
I'm too old to believe
All these childish stories.
There is no such thing as faith,
And trust,
And pixie dust.
I try,
But its too hard to believe.
I try,
But I can't see what you see.
I try.
I try.
I try.
My whole world is changing,
I don't know where to turn.
I can't leave you Baby,
But I cant stay and watch the sitting burn;
Watch it burn.
'Cause I try,
But its so hard to believe!
I try,
But I can't see where you see.
I try.
I try.
I try.

My Christmas Letter

It's the week before Christmas,
I'm getting out the 'poem'
to tell you what's new
in my slovenly home.

No envelopes needed,
no buying of stamps.
No, this year's ol' faithful
is FULL of revamps.

Oh, don't think that this one
is same as the last;
for this is the year
I don't give a rat's.....!

Just kidding. No blue air.
(See, I've learned some new phrases)
In fact, I've learned TONNES!
Let's all sing blog praises!
Besides, we're not mentioning rodents or mighties.
Or surprises I find when I'm checking kids' di-dees!


Okay, January was chalk full of fun!
I met the X-weighters. All seven of them.
(okay, so there might have been
only us five.
But the meter matched "se-ven".
*insert word-ends-with-"ive"*)

But the next month, oh baby,
is brim-filled with kindness.
When EF's lovely hubby
told me of our blindness.

I must confess, February's kinda a blur now.
No sleeping, no eating. But I made it! not sure how.

So onwards and upwards
to March through to May.
Come counselling at night
come working by day.
Come friends through each tear
come anger and hurt.
Come dealing with pain
and a whole lotta dirt.

But May brought the episode
all were tuned into,
With flame-special pants,
I told tales of my milieu!
I left makeup on Fred,
I left P'rogies with Paul.
And Chrystal can shove it.
Her 'self-help' and all! :)
But the best things I changed
were the pounds on the scale
and an outlook on life.
It was worth the travail!

And then May, as our "trial
month" came to a close
I sent Chris from the house
for a concrete repose.

I walked and I walked
with my girlfriends each night.
We'd laugh and we'd cry,
and make everything right.

My favouritest month, though,
was August, by far!
All my family together.
And nothing bizarre.
(well not counting my siblings,
cuz let's be honest, we ARE!)
Then off for 'vacation'
and road-trip to Utah.
For some LDS sightseeing,
and B@@bapalooza.

*sweet, I can't believe how those last two words rhymed.
You'd think that I planned that. Yah baby. Well primed!*
And Uncle moved out.
Which was not quite well-timed.
Time away from my walking and girlfriends just CLIMBED! :(

Then, back to AB for some work, school and play.
The whole month was over. The next on its way.
As Chris and I spent just a little more time.
Apparently, to be apart was a crime.
We're a wonderful pair,
so we dated a bit.
And we're still fig'ring out
if we two can 'MAKE IT'.
We're both in the midst of some "figuring out".
But so far, we work well, and we live without doubt.

We took in a friend who we feel was in need.
And, about that decision, QUITE a few disagreed.
A million more comments came out of the fray,
from family and friends. For the others? can't say!
Anonymous people from far and wide
gave opinions aplenty. I laughed, and I cried.
Perspective is everything. And nobody died.
And my household was fine with what I did decide.

Off to Banff for a birthday,
lots of fun to remember.
And before I knew it,
we're into November.
A quieter dayhome (the full-time kids moved)
but at least the status of my 'marriage' improved.
(Although, in this "newness",
we both feel much like rookies.)

Then I spent many weeks
making myriads of cookies!
And the eighth cookie party went off with a breeze
and we've many a cookie tucked in the deep-freeze.

And low and behold, here we are at the end.
Abasking in cold, but kept warm with good friends!

Good riddance to 2008,
dare I say?
If I never go through this again,
that's okay!

But I'd miss out on all of the learning this year.
And for 2009, I have not e'en a fear.
What I learned? Well, no matter what's thrown in my way,
SOMEONE from SOMEWHERE will have SOMETHING to say! ;)
So, I'm keeping it honest.
I loved year 'Oh-Eight.
And hope that the next one is simply as great.

And the theme of the year? Where's my marriage now at?
Will it rise to the top, or just simply fall flat?
Let's hope 2009 holds the answer to that!

Merry Christmas!
Good New Year!
And all of that stuff.
Now I'm off to drink eggnog and clean.
In the buff.

(dont' picture that, though.
I may be "X-Weighted"
But I have not ran the day's miles
for the marathon slated)
So maybe I'll be better off in my footslog
than trying to think up some rhymes for the day's blog!

No More Reruns

When they aired the episode of X-weighted 6 months ago, I talked with a bunch of other participants from previous seasons. They said how much they hated watching their episodes years later, and I thought that was so weird- isn't it FUN to watch yourself on TV?

Yesterday, they reran the episode of mine.

And I got it.
I got how horrible it felt knowing people were once again subjected to my messy house! (haha, okay, actually, that part STILL makes me laugh. Man, Chris was a Flippin' slob on that show! LOL) I got it, how I hated being somehow brought back to that time in my life where I was so fat!!!! I hardly knew how fat I really was, but watching that show reminds me. Thanks for that. Diet starts again this morning!!!!!!
I got it, how it was still annoying to see my words somewhat twisted and put out of order from when I said them and why.
I got it, how rehashing the moments with Fred and the Ugly Cry (oh, HEAVEN HELP ME IN THE UGLY CRY) just makes me mad again. It is NOT a nightie-- it was a project. Ugly or not, I MADE that hideous dress. so pooh pooh on that! lol
But what I HATED the most about watching it again?

Watching it with new eyes. Watching the things I said, and what I didn't know was happening in the background with Chris. Watching me completely love him and kiss him at the end, knowing the whole time that he's thinking, "I'm cheating on her". I hated watching him 'watch' the kids who were EF's. I hated seeing EF's kids because it made me sad and I missed them. I hated having the flood of feelings I felt at the time rush back into my heart for a really pointless reason.

But I loved looking back on things then compared to this time last year. This time last year I was heading for that FRIKKEN FREEZIN' bootcamp in Canmore. It was -22 on the TV, but that's BEFORE the windchill. Running in -40' sucks, so you know! We were frozen for a few hours after that! This time last year I was stressed about a fitness routine that wasn't working, and a SCARY SCARY outfit.

Oh man, if I had only taken a picture on me in that outfit. WAIT A TIC... I think I still have the hideous thing in my basement! Ooooh, I'll take pictures. Just a sec.

Anyways, before I trek into the basement abyss for that outfit-a-sexyness, I'll finish posting.
Yah, watching it was hard.

But really enlightening. Chris and I just sat here and continued to laugh at the messy house part, and laugh at the date that, on TV, was SOOOO brutal-looking with his lame-oh necklace compliment! lol

We both agree that this time last year is not a place we ever want to revisit. It's not fun remembering what we were. We don't like it. I don't like being fat and naive, and he doesn't like being fat and deceitful. It's bittersweet to watch the episode, but I think I'm okay not seeing it again for a while! Maybe except for the messy house part. Or the laughable 'lets-sing-Love-At-Home- in-the-backyard-to-no-one" part! That's always good for a few laughs.

Gone Country?

I'm kinda funny with music. A lot of time I find a song which finds a song I had long forgotten. Such as this one that I can't seem to stop listening to: You Left Me (just when I needed you most)

Songs from Tim McGraw bring me back to 2000, when Chris and I were living in separate provinces. When I was 'knocked up' and Chris and I were hurt and fighting and heartbroken and misunderstood. My roommate, Amber, played CDs all the time, but in particular, this one. And we would dance like girls in our tiny living room to "My Best Friend". And I'd cry to "Some Things Never Change". And I would feel afraid, she'd make me laugh. I'd cry, and crawl into bed with her as she told me that things would be okay. She dealt with my pregnant hormones, my dirt and filth, my broken car. She dealt with so much.

It's funny, my music tastes. According to the ever-omniscient Facebook, I have the worst taste in music! lol (that stupid "compare me" thing is soooooo dumb). I just like what I like. And I find it most funny that in the hardest times of my life, I equate a country CD to that time period.
Odd, seeing as country is NOT the radio station I frequent.

When I found out about Chris and EF, I found this CD in my car. I listened to so many songs on that CD. Over and Over. I cried to "I Wish" on the way to get the stupid STD test. I listened to it on the way to church. I tried to listen to something else, but in reality, this song was the only one that said what I felt in my heart.

Music is the song of the heart. Like said in "Hear Thou The Song Of My Heart", one of my favourite choir/religious songs. There's times "when my heart can find no voice" and I need someone to "hear...the songs I cannot sing." My song lately? I'm kinda torn between a few. But when I find it, I'll share it.

Maybe I'm weird or deluded. But I still find it soothing to listen to songs about being hurt, of being left, or even being cheated on. Not because I feel bitter that way, but because it's nice to feel understood and to have the power of music to instill those feelings more securely in my right to feel them.

I was talking to Chris yesterday about bitterness and not being able to 'move on'. I know that, as much as it sucks to recognize, but the person who would more likely drive the final nail on the coffin to our reconciliation would be, in fact, me. To not be able to let go of that near animalistic instinct to retaliate. To always feel like a victim, and to carry that cross with me for fear of losing identity in the process of removing it. I know people who I believe have that issue... the almost tangible need to 'hold on' to the victim in their lives for nothing other than fear of losing one's self. Who am I if I'm not the divorced? Who am I if I hadn't lost a loved one? Who am I if I haven't been wronged by family members? In reality, haven't we ALL a reason for being a victim at one point in our lives? Why do I feel the need to continue to feel as such? To sometimes need to remind Chris of my hurt?

Forgiving is one thing. And I'm not expected to forget-- that would be asinine and put in me the same category as an ostrich with its head in the sand. To forget the lesson would be foolish. No, not forgive and forget. Forgive and let go. The forgiver remembers the true, though painful parts, but without the embellishment of angry adjective and adverbs that stir up contempt.

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”

Lewis B. Smedes quotes

Goodbye 27

I'm 28 today.

I don't think that's old. I'm not afraid of getting old, anyways. There's lots of things to look forward to, and growing old usually comes with wisdom. It'll be nice to finally have wisdom one day! ;)

Dating AND being old. Grrr. That part bites. I think, but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I'm verging on Cougar Age at the bars! Yikes. (not that the bars are where I plan to meet guys, but I LOVE dancing and seem to notice that some guys are young enough to be.. uh... kids who actually LIKED Hanna Montana!! eek. )

Cougar Age: anyone younger than half your age plus seven.
So, to a guy who's 20, I'm a cougar! Ew. Guess what's worse-- guys at the bar are 18!!! LOL

But, I'm embracing my cougarness. LOL I think I'm technically called a Puma. Not quite a cougar yet. Phewsh. lol

It was the first year in over 10 years that I woke up on my birthday alone. No one else in my bed. For over 10 years. (a few years before Chris, I has sleepovers with all my friends and stuff) I don't know how I feel about that.

Being born on Hallowe'en has it's perks. People from all over drop by to wish me a happy birthday ALL night! (their words MIGHT come out as "trick or treat", but I know they're meaning "Happy Birthday". Obviously) And I can get away with calling myself a witch and no one argues with me. (Because I know you were ALL thinking that I was soo far from a witch! ;) )

I've had a lot of interesting talks with friends. The GVs last night helped me make these while we had some good, honest and open-hearted conversations, I've talked with EF today where I told her how I was feeling and what's going on with me watching her kids, and had some revealing conversations with few people via emails. This year is going to prove interesting, I'm sure.

Wednesday Ws

Who: The dayhome
What: will be empty
Where: oh where have my children gone!?
When: T minus three days!
Why: Aside from losing that one little girl, the two full-timers I have are moving to Edmonton and Friday is their last day. (One of them being Angel. How sad! She's too cute) So, I'll have two part-timers (one drop-in, one twice a week). And I still haven't gotten a hold of EF to tell her that I'm not taking her kids afterall. I left a message for her to call me, but she hasn't. note to self: call her again today. Seeing as things with Chris are still so positive, it could well go into January if not longer. Of course, it could finish tomorrow. But so far, so good. So, I need her not to be here. Anyways. I'm actually kinda excited for a bit of time off, although, I need the money. It'll be nice to have days of just Mimi and I, since she's never really had any one-on-one attention. I've had the dayhome for nearly her whole life. It'll be nice to take her to the zoo, to have naps. LOL And I'll probably find less time to blog seeing as she'll be bored by herself once in a while after ALWAYS having someone to play with and I'll be busy playing barbies and dressup. I printed up more 'ads' for mailboxes and grocery-store bulletin boards, but I hate that part. Let the interviews commence. Blah.

Who: Fatty McBubberson
What: Wants to remind you
When: Today, of course
Where: Wherever you are. Whatever you're doing. Drop everything and commence
Why: Let us remember THIS post. Yes, you read it correctly, today is Chocolate Wednesday. And, for your sharing satisfaction, I have ONLY had four of these. (who cares that it's only 9:30 am... there's no time restrictions for Chocolate Wednesday! lol) I bought our Hallowe'en candy last night, and opened it up first thing this morning! hahaha. Okay, in defence of my lack of control, I opened it to give a peice to the school-kids on their way to school. I was being giving. Yah, that's it. Clearly I would NEVER have alternative, more selfish motives! Geez, what do you take me for!!? :P tee hee. (don't answer that!)


Who: Pessy McPessimistersons
What: should be happy
Where: uh...
When: once hearing this
Why: because I have nothing exciting to blog. So, my life is officially "boring". Boring is good, one anonymous said. So, there you have it. BOw-ring! As requested. :) (by the way, I love this store! And, yes, I recognize that it's not pronounced "BO-ring", but, in my ignorant defence, a bow-tie is pronounced "bo", so I say bow-ring! Don't ask for further explanation. It makes sense to me and my sista, Keeks. And sisters don't have to explain what's funny to them. Clearly. )

Mi Vida Loca?

(no Wednesday Ws today)

It's finally time in my life to blog about this.
I've struggled for a few weeks with these thoughts, but in the past three days, it all came down and I've really had a hard time.

Ever since the whole Beau thing, I have taken a lot of time pondering and evaluating the type of mother and dayhome provider I am. I have NEVER doubted my love for my kids or my charges, and I have hardly doubted my abilities to take care of such. I mean, every mother does, to an extent, feel unprepared and unqualified to lead another life in the proper direction. Every mother, I don't care who you are, wonders if they could have done something different. Or better. Or loved more. Or with a firmer hand. Or. or... or.

But I can't shake the things that were typed and said to me about my mothering abilities. This is not a plea for a million comments of "Oh, Debbi, you're a good mother". I don't want to hear that. But thanks anyways. And this is not an invitation for "I told you so" or something like that. This is just me sorting through my thoughts and sharing my insecurities with you.

I lost a dayhome child the other day. because I was 5 minutes late for picking her up from the bus. Now, given, I'm PAID to be there for her. But I was late. SOOOO not excusing myself. There are three other mothers there who have been part of the 'busstop mamma' group for three years now. We have been there through divorces and births and miscarriages and weightloss... we have become FRIENDS while waiting in the cold and sleet for that yellow bus to appear over the hill. We have ALL been late, and when it happened, someone else took that child home until the mother was able to pick them up. It is nothing among friends. And the mother of the dayhome child WAS PART OF THAT. We've all taken her children. We've all had her take ours. It's just what we do.

So, when I was late, in my worried haste, I still knew another busstop Mamma would be there to pick her off the bus and take her home. I pulled up just as they were leaving the busstop in their own cars.

The mother fired me for being late and having that happen. Which confused me. A) she knows of the busstop mamma 'code'. B) she has BEEN LATE HERSELF. C) I told her that, because of Bear's school not having a bus for the ride home, that when I was carpooling him, I MAY be a few minutes later if the weather was bad or the roads were clogged, etc. She knew that, agreed to that, and knew that another mother would be there for her daughter.

As a dayhome provider, I deserve to be fired for that. As a friend, I was shocked. And when you're friends with the dayhome families, things can get cloudy if you let them. Case in point, EF.

I'm telling this story because it upset me, yes. But what upset me more is what this blog is about.

She came over to pay me, and, with tears in her eyes and worry over our friendship, asked if I was 'mad'. I'm not mad, no. I explained how I was feeling, and then she said something that bit. She said, "I was talking with (the busstop mammas), and we think that you just have too much going on right now, it's probably better that you don't have as many children with so much going on." And she made some motion with her hands around her head, as in, "too much in your head going on".

......

The other week, I mentioned to a family member that I thought being a Brite Consultant would be good because I know A LOT of young mothers. Mostly, I thought about being a consultant to get the books for a better price than retail! :) I wouldn't actually DO parties, any more than I'm doing Pampered Chef ones. But I'd use the products, just like I do with the Pampered Chef stuff! They then told me that I had enough going on in my life and shouldn't take on anything else. (not that I was going to) On another instance, I had another family member tell me that I have too much 'drama' in my life and that I needed to simplify it.

Fast forward to yesterday.
I was out shopping, and a lady freaked out on me. She told me I was an unfit mother, and a bunch of other things. Basically, she didn't like the way I was mothering. I drove away, in near tears and shaking. Of course, I thought of all the good comebacks as I was driving away, but it managed to sting really badly and somewhat hurt for the rest of the day.

I have started wondering- does everyone else see something I don't see? One Anon said, "You are very good about convincing yourself you have done the right thing, or finding the good in situations even when you have screwed up, instead of just admitting you made a mistake." Am I as horrible as people are saying I am? I mean, *I* never thought I was HORRIBLE. And I don't claim to be perfect. But I thought I was pretty well-qualified. I thought I could handle it better than most (and have been told that I DO by others, and by people who are in the home with all the kids and can't 'keep their cool' the way I can). Maybe I am deluded? Maybe EVERYONE else thinks I've got too much going on. Even my friends said, "I truly hope that things settle down again and you can have some more peaceful moments in your life."

Do you ALL think I have no peace in my life? That I'm in a constant upheaval? Seriously?

After these few instances, and a few other random comments from people, I have come to some personal thoughts and theories and feelings. You may not agree, but (TODAY) I see it this way;

1. Theory: People say "you have too much going on and you can't handle it" because if THEY were in the situation I'm in, THEY couldn't handle it. I haven't said that I had too much going on (in the grand scene-- given, on a day-to-day basis, some days are busier than others) so I don't know why people want to TELL me that I do. I do NOT complain about my lot in life-- in most cases, I have CHOSEN this path. And most importantly, I am more happy with my life TODAY than I have been in a VERY long time. As disillusioned as you may think I am, it's the truth.
   
2. People are quick to tell me I have too much going on because my crap is out there for the world to see. I don't hide it behind platitudes and masks of happiness. The mother of that dayhome child suffers from SEVERE depression and is unhappy with her marriage. But, no one can LITERALLY see that. I only know that because we talk as friends. I even asked her, "you mean to tell me you don't think others have a lot going on? " She just teared up and nodded in agreement with my train of thought. "Because, really," I continued, "I have the same amount of stuff going on as others, but mine is just out there for people to see." And it's true. I may have 'drama'. But you do too.
   This, I KNOW, is the truth for many people. Don't tell me that your life is so 'peaceful', because EVERY SINGLE PERSON I KNOW has something they're dealing with. Something they struggle with, and something in their life they are working on improving. I, for one, hope I've never told someone they were dealing with their stuff wrong. Yes, we all strive to bring MORE peace into our lives, but don't try to convince me that your life is heaven. It just doesn't work that way.
   What REALLY hurt-- she is letting another busstop Mamma watch her daughter. The other busstop mamma is ALSO going through a divorce, only, her ex is the ex from you-know-where. They don't talk in polite terms, let alone spend ANY time together, and she constantly fights with him. How is that person MORE qualified than I am to 'handle' things? I'm trying not to judge, but in my hurt, it's been really tough to understand.
3. I know my children are healthy, educated to the best extent that I know how, fed, clothed, and socialized in many ways. They are entertained, they are loved and loved, and they are surrounded by many uplifting things. I do not think I am a perfect mother, but I believe I am the perfect mother for THEM! I am not a bad mother. And having ANYONE, especially other mothers, try to tell me otherwise is probably MORE hurtful than someone else.

forget the pity party- unlike Anon who said, "which is probably why you write this blog so that you can get someone to make you feel better about what you have done", I DO NOT write this blog for that reason. I am upset, and I vent through my writing. AND, I want you to know why I may act certain ways in the future.

But, those of you who made some of these blue comments, if you wanted your opinion to hurt, it did. I think most of the time, that was the intent. So good on you for achieving it. For making another human doubt their abilities. For taking away some personal pride in my job and my role as a mother. For tearing me down with simple words.