Now It's My Turn

So here goes.
I sat, watching my inbox grow with each minute, filled with new comments on the last post. I have pondered to myself on how to respond, and with WHAT I wanted to say and what I didn't. And although this post may come across as angry, please know that I'm just feeling defensive, as I'm sure you would all feel were you in my shoes. I have edited this post a few times. Written it and came back to it in the morning and decided that I can't reply to everything.

But there's a few things I'll mention. And then, it is my hope that we can all move past this, as it's creating a stress in my life that I'm not okay dealing with. I hate contention. I hate being the centre of arguments, I hate having people in my life attack others based on their opinions.

So, first thing of note.
Thank you. Every opinion is read. Every opinion touches my heart in some way. But I am also of the view that Kare expressed. The anonymous people have EVERY RIGHT to be anonymous, but I think that anonymity should be reserved merely for SELF-preservation-- not preservation of a relationship that you don't need to preserve. If you DO love me, you will know that your opinion, as harsh as it may feel to me, will be FAR GREATER VALUED than some 'stranger' who claims to know me. And worse yet, I have an idea who some of the anonymous people are-- which makes me feel that they don't respect my love for them if they think I'd stop talking to them or such. Maybe for a day, but most definitely not indefinitely. :) Kare said it most eloquently: Have faith that if your words are spoken from your heart, that (I) will take the time to hear them properly, and be able to separate how (I) FEEL about them, from the content and intent. If you do not trust (me) to do this, then you do not know (me), and you are not being as true a friend or family member as you are called to be. (And PS. . Sheelagh, thank you. Doesn't change our relationship-- at least, not for me. I still love you and respect your wisdom and opinions.)

Secondly. "If you can't say something nice.."
I do not care what we're talking about. I will NOT tolerate people attacking OTHER commentors' comments. If, for example, Marci wants to say something TO ME, you should not attack her for having a differing opinion than yours. Likewise, if you don't agree with one of the anonymouses...that's fine too. We dont' need to agree. But being petty and rude to someone else is NOT okay. These are ALL people I love or who love me. Please, in the future, state only YOUR opinion and state it to me-- not based on what others have said. It's not fair to anyone here. And it's my blog. Have what you want to say to me-- if you want to say something to someone else, say it on THEIR blog. Or don't say it.I think that's only respectful of ALL parties. If this isn't followed, I will erase people's comments. And I don't want to do that. So keep them geared to me only, please.

And lastly. What *I* think.

I would do it again. Apart from ONE of my friends who reads this, you do not know Beau-- not who he USED to be, nor who he is now. Spend more than 20 minutes alone in a room with him and then tell me you know him. And, I would venture to assume that NONE of you have been FIRST-HAND exposed to someone high on heroine. This is not what you watch on TV. (we know 'reality shows' like "X-Weighted" and "Intervention" are SOOOO unedited, don't we?!) Until you know Beau, and know the drugs and how he reacts to it, don't judge me and tell me I put people in danger. Chris was here. He sat face to face with Beau. He ate dinner with my family. Chris was not worried.. I mean, seriously, when Beau arrived, he could barely lift his hand to EAT! Chris agrees that we would do it again. And basically, it's MY home. My heart. And my children. And those children in my care's families trust my decisions, or they would not hire me. They would probably all recommend my home. But I'm not here to toot horns or anything. Point being, Chris is standing behind me 100% on this. We did NOT endanger anyone, nor would we have. And as for the conversation with my children after... You teach your children your way. I'll teach them my way. They were sent to me- and I will teach them the way that feels right to me because I know that when it feels 'right', I've done right.

I was NOT thinking I could 'save' Beau. I *DID* call his family FIRST- within minutes of his arrival. I made sure that having him here would not be an endangerment based on previous times of detox for him and according to his family who have been through this numerous times. I called Health Link to also talk with a registered nurse (in fact, I talked with three). I talked with AADAC to ensure that I knew what to expect and that it wasn't something I'd regret. And I don't. Nor will I ever.

But let's make this clear-- I DO NOT CONDONE BEAU'S BEHAVIOUR! I have done everything I can to get him caught. I have worked with Police when I have no legal need to. I am NOT blind to what's right and what's not. When he arrived at my house, I had NO knowledge of his robberies-- no one did! The warrants weren't out for 3 days after his arrival. I *DID* worry that while he was getting 'air', he would find trouble. I didn't think it'd be robbing banks, no. But drugs, yes. And I told him that if he came back high, he would not be stepping another foot in my door. I layed down rules the moment he got here. And, might I add, I never needed to enforce them. I'm not dumb. (In spite of what some of you have made me feel.)

I am not 'entangled' in a web of mess. I am no longer a part of this. And the police know that and have told me that. Because I told the truth to them the same way I stated it here. They know I knew about the car, they know everything. I will NOT lie for Beau. Or anyone.

I admit first off- I made a mistake- the stolen car. And I fully accept that. And agree that I should have handled that one better. I do not need for my nose to be rubbed in my own crap-- I get it enough from myself for that one.

You love me? Yet you think I love Beau more than my three children or even the children I have in my home for sometimes 12 hours of the day-- treating them like my own!??? You think I'd love him more?!! In this case... you DO NOT KNOW ME!

I will ALWAYS state that EVERYONE I associate with in my life are not 'bad people'. We ALL make crappy choices... and some more than others. And I'm no better either. So let's stop assuming that we're sooooo much better than someone else. That your 'beams and motes' are sooooo much more acceptable than your neighbour's. And let's remember who Jesus spent most of his time with-- the whores and sick and loneliest people. I'm not Jesus, but He did ask me to follow Him, and in this case, I believe I did. If Beau doesn't qualify as 'the least of these', I don't know who would. And especially please stop judging these two men who are being attacked on my blog (namely, Beau and Chris). I love these men, and attacking them doesn't change how I feel about them. Maybe only changes how I feel about your perception of them and I'm not asking you to love them.

PS- not that it's anyone's business, but Chris has NOT been dating anyone else since July ended. He is not thinking that 'dating' while married to me is a characteristic he's proud of. He's not proud of a lot of things. People DO change. Which is why hanging with him right now is much easier. I don't have to hear about his dates- because he's not on them.

I have said my 'peace'. I'm sorry if you felt I endangered my children. I'm sorry you felt that I let these two men 'abuse' me. I do not feel that way. But I've stated how I feel. And you love me for me- This IS me. I own this. And in whom I love or how I treat them, you will not change my convictions. Love me for it or in spite of it. But I hope you've seen that no matter what you do (or anonymously write), I will always love you back.