You Decide!

To cell or not to cell:

Why I should:

• Emergencies, especially when on the road. Seeing as I'm travelling a bit more to see Will on the weekends, sometimes with the kids in my van, and sometimes alone in a slightly unreliable vehicle. Or, when travelling, I'm getting sleepy and want someone to keep me a bit more awake for that last 1/2 hour.
• Dayhome parents to have 24/7 access to where their kids are, in case I'm at the park or the busstop or we went out for lunch, etc.
• easier to text a simple "hi" when I don't really want to say anything but that, and don't want to get in a full-blown conversation. Especially when the dayhome kids are noisy and being on the phone won't be conducive to a conversation with the noise in the background
• To ask if my friend or sister wants something wonderful I just found on sale, but IT'S THE LAST DAY OF THE SALE AND EVERYTHING'S GOING FAST!!, and what colour she'd prefer.
• because everybody else is doing it
  
  

Why I shouldn't:

• I am always home. So, when someone needs me, they can usually find me here.
  
• If I'm not at home, I don't want to be hounded on the phone. I want to be just a mom at Walmart or Beavers or whatever. And, I know that if I don't answer my home phone because I'm on the other line, people will call my cell to try to get me to talk to them. Annoying.
• More annoying-- people call your cell when they're right beside you. As if that is cool. :)
  
• It costs money I don't need to spend. It's another bill. And I'm on a budget. I'm a single Mom.
  
• who needs to talk MORE on a phone than I already do? If the dayhome kids are noisy, that's more of an indication they need attention, and why would I want to be on the phone during that time, texting?!
• Once you get a phone, there's a million other, BETTER phones out there. And all I hear about from people is how crappy their phones are. Inevitably. EVERYONE complains about their phone! Or their service provider. What a headache I don't need to invite into my life.
  
• In an emergency, EVERYONE ELSE has a phone! I am not afraid to wave someone down. Or to ask for help... even if that means showing a bit of skin crying for them to pull over! And I'm always on a main road- so, SOMEONE will pass by! AND I can change a tire without help. And I can push a van all by myself. LL could steer fine! lol
• Worst yet, the cell phone doesn't work on 'country' roads anyways-- no signal. So, how good is it anyways? If I'm near the town, just walk to the town or nearest home!
  
• I don't NEED a cell. I'm opposed to indulging on things I don't NEED-- especially ones that are typically 'addictive'. Once you begin to rely on a cell phone, you have to ALWAYS have one. Like a watch. Or a Ripples Potato Chip! (okay, so this last one even had ME laughing on the floor!!! Like *I* am against addictive things!!! lol!)

THIS BEING SAID: everyone is astounded when I tell them I don't HAVE a cell phone. or want. one. And lately, I'm being pressured to get one. (*coughWILLcough*) Of course, he's only worried about me travelling and being safe, but still.

So, Riddle me this. I put it out there, unbiasedly to the blogosphere. To cell or not to cell?

Keep it in Perspective

I feel like I've been 'away' for a long time-- no blogging in my life is CRAZY!

Thankfully, I have a quiet house now, as spring break is over and I'm back to routine. Whatever that is in my world! We only have 4 kids today-- *relief* So blogging resumes.

I wish I also had something more entertaining to talk about- just seems like every weekend comes and goes and all I can talk about is how awesome my time spent with Will was. Which is TOTALLY true, only slightly monotonous for the rest of ya'll.Will and I in the snow in front of the Cardston Temple

LL found out from Will's niece about how we are dating. So, she came up to me the other day and let me know how she felt about what was said. It was exactly as the separation course had said it would be according to her age-- she was very worried that, if I got remarried, she'd lose her Dad. Or that she'd have to share a room with more people. Or other things that a child would worry about ("STEP" parent has an evil aura to it because of Disney. thanks a lot, Walt!) It was a good, grown-up conversation just between her and I. And I reminded her of her father's love (both FATHERS) and of the bond that will never change.

I talked to Chris about it. Although it's not our 'plan' to wait the three months before introducing the kids to people we're dating, this was slightly out of our hands. So we deal with it and progress.

He had a talk with her a little later while I was away.
And said things I was so touched by. He told her of his love for her (obviously), but also told her how, if I remarried someone, we'd be a team of three, instead of just a team of two. He told her that she'd probably really like Will, and that she should get to know him. He helped her think of questions to ask him when she saw him next, helped her find something positive about Will that Chris doesn't have. LL said that she liked that Will would come to church with us every week, and Chris replied in a great way. "I'm happy you have something special with Will! That is very nice, and you can share that with him, just for the two of you. Just like you and I have special things just for us, it's okay to have special things with Will too." Chris impresses me with his 'big picture' attitude and I am sooo grateful for the divorce that we have. As much as I feel slightly ridiculed for it sometimes, I would have it no other way. It works for me. It works for Chris. And because of that, I know it will work for our kids-- they will be loved, safe, and supported.

So, this weekend, LL 'got to know' Will. Asked the questions. And by the end of the weekend, she wouldn't stop touching him-- hugging, climbing... whatever! (She's a Physical Touch person) I enjoyed watching her bond to him in a new way, her eyes slightly more openned to the possibility of having Will around for me and 'us', and not just as the uncle to her friend.

Bear bonds really well to Will. Which I mentioned before. But Mimi bonded to Will a LOT this weekend- now that he feels like he can actually interact with the kids on a more personal level, it makes a difference, I think. And Will's kids are too easy to get along with, they're fantastic.

"B-Ray", Mimi, "Grace" and LL watching Flight Of The Navigator

And the kids played. And cuddled. And got to know each other more and more. And all in all, my heart was touched many times this weekend. Little moments I hope to preserve and continue to make.

Six Word Saturday

All good things are patiently anticipated

Releasing The Unneeded

I made it! Whew. Last day of spring break, last day of a LOT of kids. I'll be grateful for this week when, come April, I'm down two permanent children. So, no complaining, right?

What is great, was yesterday.

I got a phone call from the judge's secretary again, inquiring as to Chris' Parenting After Separation course completion. He takes the course tomorrow, so I informed her that once it was done and the certificate was in hand, I'd get it to her. She said we're also missing one insignificantly pathetic affidavit stating that we're also separated (not just the infidelity clause). So, I will get that done this weekend. Easy peasy. I then asked what happened after that.

She informed me that, it may take about 3 days to process it all, and then she sends it 'upstairs'. I asked what happened after that- like, how many weeks are we looking at? 6? 8? She laughed, and said, "No. Once I process it, which takes about three days, and send it to get signed, it gets signed. Like- Instantly. So, if you take two weeks to get those forms to me, you're looking at two weeks and three days." Wow. Good to hear.

I've been getting my past life out of my current life slowly, a little more each day. I had to 'release' a friendship with a friend of 13 years, but thankfully, they felt as I did. We'll be friends from more of a distance, but it's obvious things are not going to be the same.

Then, I apologized to two people I had wronged. As 'goody two shoes' as it sounds, I admit it was a completely selfish thing-- *I* felt better having done it. One accepted my apology right back, one definitely did NOT. I feel no weight of that anymore. And am happy to have done what I could to rectify the wrongdoing. It's amazing how much weight feels lifted by a small issue. So many things are 'wrong' in our lives, yet we have all the power to change it. I start today rested and ready, and I like that.

If You Fail to Plan

You know how sometimes you make plans?
You know how sometimes that plan is perfect?
You know how easy it is to build off that plan?
You know how, when you've got it all 'planned out', things change?
And how sometimes the new plan is better than what you planned?
And most of all, you know how awesome it is to have people there to help you in your new plan?

This is my life. In the past year I planned so many things. My plans were perfect and I knew I had them all figured out. I had some super, amazing, best friends who were there to help me in my inevitable new plan. I would not have made it through the past year without them, and without my family. Last year's change of plans threw me for a temporary spin. I forgot that I'm not the one with The Plan. And I have seen so many amazing and wonderful things come about as a result of those plans changing without my influence. As a result of trying not to steer my own ship. Every time I tried to take the reins back from the rider, I got a pretty good slap in the butt and knew I had to change direction.

I can't wait for the next year. Seriously. A lot can happen in a year-- I would know. I could treat the next year (March 26th to March 26th) as a daunting, scary time period. Based on some of the tough times last year, I could fret over what events and lessons I will be learning in the course of the year's experiences.

Can every day be New Year's? Because, today I feel like it's a new year of wonderful possiblities. Although my plans are pretty incredible, I hope that what I plan today is not as good as what is planned already for me. :)

Post on Perks

I have exactly 3 minutes to post right now.

It's crazy busy, I have a lot going on in my head, and THREE times that much going on in the dayhome.

But today,
I got to be there for someone's first lost tooth.

Maybe that's insignificant to others, but when it's not my child, I'm glad that I get to be there for that moment. To celebrate them, to save the tooth for Mommy to see, and to watch the joy in their eyes when they first look in the mirror at the new, grown-up gummy smile. And, of course, I love the three-year-olds who then inform me that THEIR teeth are 'wiggly'. Love that.

I honestly melt a little inside. It's THAT good.

Peace and Good Will :)

So, it's Monday. Spring Break for most kids. And most kids are here at the house. Today we're at 10. Which is good for the money, but bad for my carpets! :) And not so good for the permanent marker the kids found and coloured my doors and walls with. We'll be taking out stock in Mr. Clean Magic Erasers by the end of the week! Thankfully, in spite of what I just wrote, I have a good list of kids, so I am able to find a few minutes to update the blogosphere on my most AMAZING weekend with Will and Sin and Vegan.

I am just loving every minute with him, and find myself happier than I've been in a long time. Happier with him, yes, but happier with ME. Who I am. I'm a person I've never been before, and it's an indescribably good thing. I'm learning things about myself and just... loving this whole process. It's fun to date, yes, but this is more than just that. It's a whole new level for me in any relationship I've ever had; a spirituality in a relationship that makes me FINALLY 'get it'. Things I remember my mother saying when I was young make much more sense now. Hard for most to understand, but for me, huge steps forward. I have never been 'this girl', and finally overcoming that girl I used to be is monumental in my heart.

Hockey game on Friday. Saturday, to church bookstores and Peter's Drive In and grocery stores and movies and cuddles and making dinner and hours of conversations. Sunday, attending church with him beside me, talking with Bishops and friends and spending lots of time with family, falling asleep with him beside me while watching TV with Sin and Vegan.

Funny, at church someone saw Will and said "Hello Will." Only thing is-- that's not his name! He laughed, and kinda thought maybe we should let my friends know his REAL name, seeing as how he'll be coming to church with me more often. So we giggled at the Blogmarted moment, and told our friend his real name for PROPER introductions. We all thought it was cute. *In case you guys didn't know, The only people with "REAL" names on this blog are Chris and I, (and one non-descript person who I didn't care to make a fake name for)*


Being there for "sad" times, holding each other. Laughing and playing, throwing snowballs or even just giggling over yoga poses with Sin and Vegan in the front room. Inside jokes and precious moments. Great friends.


In short, nothing gets better than a weekend like this.

Six Word Saturday

Kidless weekends always end up awesome!

Quick poem

Spring has Sprung,
The grass is Ris'
Does anyone know where
10 dayhome kids is?!

We're doing crafts,
we're dancin' the jig,
And I even showered
so I don't smell like pig! :)

The kids are off
for a weekend with Dad.
And I'm at the hockey game-
much fun to be had.

My Thursday

Today I:

• got 4 hours of sleep. DANG IT, having an awesome friend like Will and talking on the phone until 2 am is KILLING my sleep patterns!! (worth it)
• celebrate good friends who are there for hugs when I need/want one. Good church leaders who love me. Good kids.
  
• Folded 8 loads of laundry
• practised the piano (something I RARELY do because I can't hear the kids playing in the other room-- but with older kids here, I know the little ones are being 'entertained'. And by entertained, I mean dressed up into crazy 'baby' outfits and shoved into play strollers. Funtimes had by all.)
• Am currently watching, and fed 10 kids lunch. Yes, Spring break started today, so all the school-aged kids are here too. Hence the fast post-- I don't have a lot of time to blog because they're given 'screen time' equally and I'm sure I'm gonna get kicked off my computer for going past my allocated time slot! :)
• rebooked Chris' parenting course (kinda-- he rebooked, I just helped) because we originally booked it on a weekend that he had the kids. Dumb us.
• Vacuumed the main floor
• Put the dayhome kids to slave labour and they cleaned the basement. (not a small task!)
• Potty trained a 1 yr old. Amazingly, she's been 100% today. Touch wood. (VL)
• Only dealt with ONE injury-- blood isn't too bad if it doesn't get on my carpet! ;)
  
  

Today I WILL:

• Continue to read the third Twilight book. I think it's called New Moon? No? uh...Eclipse? Or Breaking Dawn. ONE of those.
  
• Take Bear to Beavers, pick Bear UP from Beavers
  
• Shop for something "green" to share (foodwise) for 8GV night tonight-- suggestions?
  
• cook dinner
• put said folded laundry AWAY
• clean. Clean. Clean.
• Stop a million fights that are BOUND to occur soon. It's been FAR too peaceful around here this morning.
• write in my paper journal (I'm doing that everyday now-- man, I forgot how much I missed that. It is the BEST way for me to really dig deep into the person I am and why I act the way I do, what I think spiritually, and what my weaknesses are. )
• POSSIBLY get my tax stuff together to drop off at the accountant's.
• Apologize to my blog readers that I may not be around much in the week to come, seeing as it's Spring Break and there's too many kids here to be on a computer for too long. I'll be busy cleaning up. Constantly. And entertaining older kids with crafts or outings or whatever. So blog posts for the next week may suck-- fair warning.
• THANK all the non-lurkers who outed themselves yesterday. I loved checking out your blogs and will visit again.
  

Wednesday Ws and Word Verification Wednesday

Who: All you 'lurkers' out there
What: are being "called out"
Where: here on the blog during Word Verification Wednesday
When: Today
Why: My sister recently told me of a meeting with a friend of hers. She said that her friend was over at her house, and saw a picture of me. "Who is that?!" When my sister said who it was, the friend got excited, and confessed that she 'stalks' my blog (Hi Tan!) and sometimes checks a few times a day. I was "blogmarted". Then they talked about stuff IN this blog-- namely, Will.
"And Will-- I think he lives here!"
Sister smiles, "yes, I think maybe he does."
That's when Tan realized that my sister has MET Will, and yes, Will lives in their area. Funtimes. So, Will got blogmarted too.

So, in light of this conversation, I'd like to call all you lurkers out. Just say hi. Leave a name or don't-- doesn't matter. We're just happy you're here. And by we, obviously I mean me. It's easy today-- play Word Verification Wednesday, and join me! :) I was checking the stats with Will last night, and figured out that there was 108 DIFFERENT people who checked the blog yesterday-- let's see who you are. Where you're from! What you think. Join the party!



It's Jillybean's Word Verification Wednesday. Play along below!

They're Pink, right?

I had a kickin' weekend. (does anyone even say that, or did I totally pull a "Mom" and use words I THINK are cool when they're really not?!) Nonetheless, I had a great time with friends, and, sadly, have not ONE picture.

Spending the entire weekend with Sin and her family was awesome. Friday night, we went out to the grocery store with my three monkeys, buying food... oh, and she supported my abuse on my children in the parking lot. That's always a good friend to have! :)

I spent Saturday morning cleaning, doing laundry, cooking food and cutting fruit, just general "stuff" to get ready for the rest of the weekend. Sin's son, who's the same age as LL, was getting baptized, so it was a special day.

Will arrived (Will is Sin's brother, for those who didn't catch that before. Did I even mention that before? Whatever) with his four kids, and he and I took them all to the wavepool/water park.

Um. Go back and read that.
Will and I took SEVEN kids to the wavepool!!!!!!!!!!
Yep. There were moments where I just looked at Will with that, "uh, what were we thinking" look. I may have also done the "I'm so nervous/ I've gone crazy" laugh. I can't remember. I probably blocked out that trauma! On a Saturday, at the pool with every other every-other-weekend parent. Yep. Good times.

Now, Will's kids are older (9-15 yrs old range), and they can swim. LL, on the other hand, CAN NOT. She's like a fish. That drowns. LOVES the water, but sinks to the bottom. Thankfully she didn't drown too badly, and I was able to (somewhat) let go a bit of my motherly fear and let her drown in peace spread her wings.

Bear, my little scaredy cat, had the lifejacket on. Although, he was lucky at times to get more wet than just his ANKLES! He is a fun kid. And clings to Will in a way that surprises both me and Sin. (of course, the men wouldn't notice, but Sin knows Bear, and knows that him clinging to ANYONE is rare). It touches my heart to watch Bear timidly overcome some of his fears. Do NOT ask me about how he 'overcame' his fear of public speaking.... yah. He had to give a scripture in Primary, and refused to get dressed for church because of it. Then, guess who had to give it ANYWAYS?!... yep. Cuz I LOVE speaking into a microphone that's 3 feet from the floor while I crouch down in my skirt with a whiny child beside me, trying to disappear on my lap and somewhat pushing me over so I land showing everyone my underwear my son. Although, Sunday, EVERYONE in my driveway (including Will, his 15 yr old son, and.. wait for it...Will's FATHER AND MOTHER) saw my underwear when the wind carried my puffy skirt up to my neck Marilyn Monroe style. yah. Good impressions die hard. nothin' like flashing everyone my pink camouflage undies to say, "look at the type of girl your son's interested in!"

Oh yah, the pool.
MIMI, bless her annoying terrorizing stubborn Wonderful three-year old heart, was not afraid in ANY way, shape or form of the water. She took off more times than I can count- trying to go down the big waterslide ALONE, trying to go down ANY waterslide alone. At one point, she took off and it was good I was right there to follow her quickly before she was half-way down the slide! She is a handful, but it's awesome.

So, aside from the baptism, some movie time, church, and a walk through the community, it was a great weekend with friends and friends' family.

A, B, C, D, E, ...G, H, I

Talking on the phone to Will. The other line beeps in. I recognize the number.

*Commence heart racing.*

D: Oh Crap. Hey, can I call you back? It's EF.
Will: yah, okay.

*click*
D: Hello?
EF: Hey!
D: uh, how are you?
EF: Good. You?
D: well, I called the other day because I wanted to apologize for you feeling uncomfortable the other day.
EF: *laughs* well, YOU didn't do anything.
D: technically, no, but I am sorry that it didn't work out the way it should have. I knew he was going to talk to you, but I had kinda thought that you'd be the one to decide if that happened or not. I'm sorry that wasn't your choice, and you felt upsetted by it.
EF: Thanks. No, I wouldn't have ever called him.
D: well, that was your choice. I'm sorry you didn't get to make it.
...
...
..
But, the other thing *commence shaking and rambling* is that, ... well... I don't know what you know. Well, seeing as I haven't talked to you since I saw you last, I know you DON'T know. But the papers are in, and Chris and I are divorcing in a few weeks. He's out of the house now Pretty much after you left (on vacation)-- nearly, RIGHT after.
EF: WHAT? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know, no, but last time I was here, I thought you two were trying to work it through.
D: well, that's just it. The last time you were here, I pretty much realized that I couldn't have him around. Having him around was a constant reminder of pain. I love him, and it's not because he did anything wrong, but... I need to move on and having him here doesn't let that happen. *Big breath. Commence silent tears and more shaking, voice faltering. * Which is why I need you out too. I mean, I love you, and... I just... I'm shaking like crazy... I just... but seeing you reminded me of that pain.
EF: just seeing my face?
D: no. Having the kids back in the home... just... everything. I reread my journal from that time, too, and realized that I was in the same place emotionally then as I was now. I mean, I had gone through so much, and grown in lots of ways, but that I was still no further ahead. And that wasn't okay with me. I realized that, although I honestly do forgive you, and love you, *commence out loud crying now, sniffing, voice still shaking and cracking* and will miss you like crazy, I realize you're a part of my life I need out. Like Chris, you are a reminder of that pain.
EF: it's okay, hun. It's probably better for both of us in order to progress in our lives.
D: yah. I enjoyed our friendship a lot, but kinda know, and... I'm trying to be nice and not offensive because I don't want that... but that our friendship wasn't what I thought it was anyways.
EF: I know. It is now, though.
D: I know. When you called to tell me he called, I really appreciated that, and knew that our friendship was different. Which is why I don't think I was able to tell you then, when I should have.
...
...
*tears*
I'm so sorry. I've never told anyone to get out of my life, and I love you and this is really upsetting me. I'm sorry I couldn't be that friend you need.

EF: No, I understand. Hey, don't worry, hun. It wasn't your fault. ...

But I will wave at you, or say hello, if we happen to pass each other on the street or something.

*silence*

D: I can be friendly. There's no reason not to be. But I don't want you to phone me, or try to set up dates with the kids or anything.
EF: Okay. I love you too. And, don't worry. You can always change your mind later. Who knows.

*Crying*
D: I gotta go. I'm sorry. I love you.

*Click*


The shaking has still not stopped.

Six Word Saturday

Got brave. Called EF. No answer.




(Visit Cate at Show My Face for the original 6 Word Saturday, and play along)

Like All Friday the Thirteenths

• Like all divorces, there's a new 'hang up'.

Chris never took the Parenting After Separation course that we were both supposed to take last summer. I took it, but he never did. The judge has our papers in his hand-

Now we are waiting for him to take that course to be done with it. More waiting.

• Like all affairs, there's sometimes residual hurt.
  

Yesterday, I got a phone call. I knew the number on the caller ID- and was surprised to see it was EF calling from work. She said she wanted me to know that Chris called her just now. When I explained that I knew he wanted to talk to her, she informed me that she didn't want to speak with him. I thanked her for telling me right away. It showed some change in her character.

I hung up after a few more words. Shaking. It's too hard to have her in my life. I didn't have the nerve to tell her I needed her out of my life. I just couldn't do it. I don't know how I am going to do that. I've never once purposefully told someone to get out of my life. I'm not that type of person.

Chris called a minute or so after to tell me he tried calling her. By then, I was crying and shaking and not well emotionally. But glad he, too, told me. He says it was the closure he needed. So for that, I am thankful for his sake. I did say I wasn't into talking at that time, though, hung up the phone and cried more. Not out of hurt, but out of bad memories.

• UNlike all divorces, I have a great Ex.

He called later on in the day. to check on me. To ask if, maybe he could come over and order pizza for me so I didn't have to think about dinner. Asked if I was sure that I didn't want him to take the kids this weekend in case I needed the break. Talked to me about coming to church on Sunday to watch Jeremy's scripture in Primary and how Will will be there. That will be the first time they'll really 'meet' since we started dating. (They first met on the same night that *I* met Will)

Talked to me about my journey to higher spirituality. About meetings I have coming up, and parts of the refining process. He knows I'm sad about it. And was genuinely loving in expressing his sympathies to me.

I have a great Ex.

• Like all long-distance relationships, I'm excited to see Will this weekend.

I am pretty lucky to have found a guy who gets that, sometimes, I just need a day. A day to be away from the computer or phone. A day to collect my thoughts. A day to digest. Or a day to be sad... maybe even TWO days! I am grateful for that mutual understanding, where I don't feel like I have to apologize for tears over a failed marriage. Even if I know the 'failure' was a blessing in disguise.

I'm pretty lucky that he thinks I'm kinda something sorta maybe special too.

Balance

"The honest seeker after truth must learn to find the elusive balance between relying on the intellect and relying on the promptings of the Spirit." -Glen L Pace



yesterday was a day of perfect balance for me. Where I had poor communication with one person, I had a breakthrough with another.

Where I felt peace in one instant, I felt fear in the alternate.
One phone call soothed me, one left me inwardly churning in silent sorrow.
When I felt spiritually downtrodden, I found comfort in spiritual endeavors.

I sat down at the end of the day, stupefied. I think it's amazing how the day was so intricately balanced. How a door may have closed, but a window opened. How nothing was ruined in the harmony of what was to be.


I anticipate the next few days being quite similar. And I am looking forward to it. As I mentioned to Chris today, "feeling the pain is the only way to learn some of the lessons". A ying and yang of trial.

There must be opposition in ALL things. And I am thankful for the perceived "negatives" that help me appreciate the "positives" that much more.

Wednesday Ws and Word Verification Wednesday

For More Word Verification Wednesdays, visit Jillybean at Thou Shalt Not Whine and play along.


Who: Me
What: wants to introduce "Will"
Where: here on the blog
When: right now!
Why: because the time has come. The time is now. :) (points for those who know the book that's from)

I mentioned a few posts ago how I went on a date and said I'd talk more about it later. Well, here it is. :) I've been dating Will for a while now. It was a tough thing for me to tell anyone about for a few reasons: One, I knew that dating anyone so quickly after Chris runs the risk of a serious rebound issue. And Two, I'm still legally married. But, mostly, Three, because Will is awesomely incredible and I didn't want to share him.

1) serious rebound? No. I admit, I worried about that, quite intensely, for about a week. It was during that week, and subsequent weeks and dates later, that I realized that there was a very definite reason that Will came into my life when he did. Situations out of my control. Timing was everything. There were spiritual moments that showed me that this is the right path at the moment. I can't explain it. I don't need to. What I feel, spiritually, never needs explaining to anyone.

2) Still legally married. This is a big deal to me, as many of you 'old followers' would know. When Chris left last summer, it was deep in my mind that, no matter what, I was not going to be a hypocrite and 'cheat' on my marriage. Having said that, Will and I were friends before we were 'dating'. We are both going through our own divorces, and we became sounding boards for our trials in that process. MOST of the time, we were talking about our soon-to-be exes, and what went wrong on either side. But, there was something about him that made me realize this friend was amazing. Do I need to date him to have that friendship-- nope. And I love that. In telling my bishop about it, I realized that dating him wasn't inherently WRONG in the way of black and white that most people see it. But there are a lot of people who believe we shouldn't date because we're both still legally married. They will be happy to know, that, truth be told, we're not 'dating' the same way anymore anyways. Because we CAN wait until our marriages are through. So, at this time, Will is my incredibly astounding friend who can't wait to date me! ;) And I him. We still talk. We still build our relationship. We just do it at a physical distance. Will lives 2 hours away anyways, and since I have my kids around most of the time(who aren't allowed to meet any potential suitors for 3 months of serious dating anyways) us dating is difficult as it is.

3) And three. Sharing Will with you all scares me. Putting something special out there for people to 'attack'. But, in order for my new story to emerge, you need to know about him. He's a main player now.

Will has been the best spiritual, non-family male influence on me that I've ever known. Honestly, ever. And whatever his role is in my life, for the present time, I'm happy to have him in the way he's in it today. God put him here for now. To teach me about the other sides of divorce, about what marriage should be, and about being the right person in order to get my goals.

And, for right now, I'm working on me. It's the next step. I don't need to think about my future with or without Will. My progression in today's path will eventually show me the right direction for the next paths.

So, without further adieu, meet Will. He's awesome.


My word Verification: (don't forget to play along in the comments!)
Unpigd - (Verb)- to learn manners. Also see: for a female to get divorced. (lol)

"In Pieces" to "In Peace"

I had a pretty eventful couple of days. Days where I really did a lot of thinking and feeling. Days spent in tears and laughter. Days of some serious conversations.

There's so much to say, and yet no way to say it. No way to talk about everything that I've felt and thought and said. Sometimes sharing it is throwing pearls at swine anyways.

Suffice it to say, I am very much loving the direction my life has turned.

I'm definitely 'done' with Chris. We talked about his recent involvement with other women, and there wasn't a single bad feeling from me. I didn't feel jealous. Or threatened. Or sad. Or. AnYthINg! It was really a good feeling, knowing that I have put away any of that 'old' pain, and I was able to talk with him as his friend. As the mother of his children, and as someone who loves him, but as someone who wasn't IN LOVE with him anymore. I wanted nothing more than to hear that he was finding peace and happiness. That's something I would give him if I could.

It's amazing how God has healed me when I've made the right choices. I remember when Chris left in June, and how I expected to be just a complete basket case. But, with a power from beyond, I was supported and comforted and had peace. Peace that I didn't possibly deserve, and comfort beyond what comfort I would have ever even had the audacity to ask for.

Peace.
It's a word I really, truly, 100% understand so much more in the course of the past year than I ever had before. We know we use the word often, but to actually FEEL peace-- that's something seldom described and likely indescribable.

In this peace, I've also watched God's hands in other ways in my life. Bringing me back to my true self. My bottom roots. Deep down, who I am and who I've always WANTED to be. Going back to goals that I gave up years ago. I went to talk with my Bishop, and in spite of the things I need to fix, I feel peace knowing what lies ahead.

It's gonna be a long road back to that path. A spiritual journey that won't be all daisies and petunias, but there are always beautiful roses among the thorns and rainbows at the end of the thunderstorm. I really want my 'new life' to start now, and to be rid of the pain and issues from my past. But, where's the rush? I'll get there. This is the time to actually DO it. To BE it. To GET and ACHIEVE it.

No matter what your spiritual belief is, finding spirituality and having faith in it is something that never fails to help us grow. I love growth, and Making the Change is exactly what I'm doing now. I'm changing my path. Changing my life. Changing my views. And changing the person I used to be into a person I want to be. It's overwhelming and fulfilling at the same time.

At risk of sounding stupid, I'm excited.

EW

Seriously, grossest thing ever.

Reasons why I hate them!!


yep. ew ew ew.

Lancing

Friday night, I was driving. If I leave my community a certain way, I see EF's house.. and, in case you're new here... that USED to be *MY* house. I see into her kitchen, I see into her bedroom. I know when she's home. When she's not. And that night, I saw the lights on.

I contemplated, even in my ratty sweats and crazy hair, driving over to her house and just ripping off the bandaid. Instead of waiting for her to contact me, taking the plunge myself. Getting her out of my life for the final time. Telling her what I needed to tell her, and walking away down her driveway, LIKELY crying, but better off in the long run. As I drove, I played the whole 'speech' out. I worded everything perfectly. I was kind. I was honest. I was exactly what I want her to remember me as.

I didn't think about it again, until I was driving BACK home. A car passed me on the highway close to home, and it was her car. Well, it LOOKED like her car. Same make and model and colour. I didn't see the driver. As it passed me, I checked the license plate to see if it WAS her.

The plate stated simply this: NME ***

hm. interesting.

I got home, and remembered this letter I drafted a long while ago, and thought I'd share it.

********************

Dear EF.

After sitting here for a few minutes, I've tried to decide how to start this letter, or, more importantly, how to end it. But, instead of trying to 'plan' my thoughts, you're just gonna have to bear with me and read them as they fly.

Do you have any idea how much of my life you infiltrated? How much of my heart you still hold? How much of it you broke? The thing is, I know you DON'T have any idea. You can't understand. Because, if you loved me like I loved you, we would be having quite a different conversation.

I am mad.
I want you and all remains of this pain to get out. Out of my life, out of my community, out of 'my house', out of my head and out of my heart. Thankfully, the wretched couch is out. And Chris is out. And there's no way to get all of those wishes to come true. But "out of my life"-- that one I can control.

So. Here it is. I love you. I hate you. And I want to eradicate you from as much of my life as possible. Don't call me. Don't email me. Don't come over. Don't wave to me at the school bus stop. Please-- to you, I do not exist. Apparently, that shouldn't be too hard for you- you incredulously managed to imagine my nonexistence when you were busy with my husband.

How obtuse of you to think that, because I'm a loving person, you can be my friend now. That using me as a doormat is acceptable to you. A place to drop your kids while you stab me in the back. Don't hug me. Don't even think about mentioning my name to your children... they are victims too, and they don't deserve it. You keep them at a dayhome that abuses them (which I witnessed and TOLD YOU ABOUT) and it disgusts me. I love your children sometimes more than I think you do. You used to tell Chris that you knew what love was... I am starting to highly doubt that.

"Steve" is so much more of a man than you've ever deserved. To cheat on him as many times as you have, in his bed, in his home, with his friends... you're a whore. But that's your marriage. And my heart hurts so badly for him. He is a good man. You do not love him. And from what you've said to me, you will likely hurt him yet again in the future. Bravo for taking such a sweet spirit and wrapping it around your betraying, fornicating fingers. You are NOT honest with him now. And if I was half what you are, I'd let him know. But I'm better than that. I can't be like you.

So. In spite of what seems easier, I love you. And I always will. I'd say I'm sorry for the things I've said above, but I guess we know that "sorrys" don't really cut it sometimes.

I believe that I forgive you. And I KNOW I need you out.

Six Word Saturday

Journey is complicated, directions are simple.



(Visit Cate at Show My Face for the original 6 Word Saturday, and play along)

Cute and Hugs go together like Candy and Fridays

Wow! Send out a little love, get a little love back! How fun.

I got awarded these TWO awards yesterday. Thanks to Sassy Britches, I add to my wall. :) The 'CUTE'S BLOGGER AWARD'. This one states that, in order to accept, I have to tell you ten cute things about me. Uh. Yah. Finding more than three could be tough! Then, I pass it to 10 other cute people. Are we talking cute-looking, or cute blogs? Because, and I'm not saying this about any of YOU guys (clearly), but when I've bloghopped, there are some BUTT UGLY rather non-pretty bloggers out there.This one, The Hugs Award. Who doesn't need a hug? So, I need to spread the lovin' to 10 other bloggers.

Because BOTH require 10 bloggers, I'm just giving love and hugs to 10 of my cute friends! ;) I have so many cute friends. Like attracts like, right? ;P

Now for the yucky part; what makes me cute? Well, this would be WAY easier if, like Sassy, I had someone who wrote this part for me.

1. When I got excited as a child, I used to 'sniff' really hard, put my hands to my face, and ...how do I explain it... drum my fingers quickly against my nose. My family made so much fun of me. I've stopped it, for the most part, but once in a while I find myself putting my hands to my face in the same way. Thankfully, I usually catch myself before I completely embarrass myself!
   
   
2. The way I get all freaked out and laugh and cry at the same time when I'm scared. Like, when crabs need killing for dinner. Or when we catch a mighty mouse in a garbage can, and Chris, thinking it's something I'd WANT to 'check out'... tilts the garbage can just enough that mousie jumps out and runs right over my bare feet!!! I will never forgive him for that one. It coulda DIED in the garbage can, but nooooo- that's inhumane. Whatever.
   
   
3. I fold underwear. Into little packages. And always will. Is it cute to you? maybe not-- but the pantie packages themselves are cute.... Want a tutorial??? Allow me to share-- I love it, and it helps to have more room in the drawers drawer. By the way- I hate the word drawers. It's a dumb English word that makes me feel like an illiterate when I say it.
   
   
4. If I want to learn how to play a song on the piano, or guitar, I have to hear it done first. I mean, I can read music, but something about hearing it helps me.
   
   
5. I harmonize to songs on the radio, on the TV, or even to twinkle twinkle. Harmonizing makes me happy. I'm so thankful for that talent that my mother instilled in me. Singing with my siblings so much while growing up helped.
   
   
6. If you're a male, and you want to make me complete, hug me and kiss my forehead. Slowly. Just a simple forehead kiss makes me feel like a child again, and I feel secure and truly loved. A kiss like that fixes my sadness, my anxiety, my sickness... anything. I think it's the cutest kiss one can give.
   
   
7. I pull faces a lot when I'm dancing. Which is funny, because I watched my little brother dancing recently at a drum concert he was part of-- and realized, I pull the same faces as him sometimes. And I realized how funny it looks. And how much more I love him for it! lol
   
   
8. SERIOUSLY? You want me to think of three other 'cute' things about me? uh... yah, I'm spent. I have no idea. Cute about me??? My ears. They're like monkey ears, they always have been, and I've been teased about them a lot. But they've got character. And thankfully, they're not a dominant gene, so my kids don't have to suffer the same childhood ridicule.
   
   
9. cute about me? mmmm.... I'm a travelling entertainment for kids. I swear, kids (and kids at heart) are truly entertained with the things I can do with my tongue. It passes time. ;) Kinda a travelling freak show, but yah, potato potahto. I'm calling it cute.
   
   
10. I search for compliments. Not that I think that's cute. So, YOU can tell me what number 10 is. Cuz I have no idea! lol And I need to get stuff done. Like change bums. Which is so NOT cute, it kinda took away from my 'thinking cute things' mojo.
    

And for the ten cute bloggers:
1) Carla= my walking bud, haven't seen her in forever, and she's super cute. She's had medical issues, so a hug is always a good thing to spread.
2) Katerina= Yep, Kat is cute. And has/had mono. So, giving hugs like this is better than IRL because I can keep my distance!
3) Sheridan = she's WAY Cute. check out her smile! I just hug her cuz I wanna squish her. We're pseudo related too! ;)
4)Starting Over @ 24= even with the blue line, he's way cute. And, apparently, he says he's short, so he's even cuter.
5)Pooba= really cute, even the name of her blog is cute-- I love he Flinstone reference. Remember the grand pooba? On top of a cute name, she acts goofy with her sisters the way I do. oh, and has a hot dad-- really, what else is there to love? lol
6)Andy= if you think syphilis and inmates are cute (and yes, sometimes both together), you'll totally agree that Andy's got cute down pat! Expletives are cute, right?
7) Katy = So fun and cute. I'm new to her following, but am loving it.
8) BobbiJo = her blog is cute, she's way cute, and seriously, her little girls are DANG cute! Nothing BobbiJo does is NOT cute. She radiates cute.
9) Cute Things = uh. It says it's cute RIGHT in its name! Seriously. falling asleep AND being cute-- doesn't get any cuter.
10)Ryan Ashley Scott = Now, given, the hug award was already given to you, but still. You deserve more hugs. Cuz you're awesome.

Two Really Good Days In A Row?!

Yay for yesterday.

The papers got sent to the judge for our divorce. Which is scary, because if they don't like something, they send it back and it could take a long time getting everything 'perfect' for them. Or, he could reject our claim and enforce us to be separated for a year instead of the infidelity clause. Instead, we had stated a time on one page and had a half-hour difference on the other, so we have to fix that. And other than that, the judge says we're good to go. The clerks say they're running at about 6 weeks right now, so it's possible that within that period our divorce could be done. That'll be good to have it behind us.

Although there's so much other drama associated with yesterday, (money, Chris, friends) I'm gonna keep the gratitude attitude foremost instead.

I nearly finished laundry again-- a few loads today and I'm good for a bit. I LOVE that feeling.

Crockpot dinners are SOOOo underrated. When the last dayhome child had been picked up, having dinner already waiting was AWESOME! And tasty.

I finally took advantage of the +6 degrees and got outside. Putting LL and Bear on their bikes for the first time this year (and yes, that included a few pumps to a few wheels), I strapped Mimi into the jogging stroller and we went for a short (maybe 3 mile) run. Unfortunately, the sun was down and so all that melted snow had turned into black ice along the pathways. Bear only fell once while LL fell three times. It nearly caught ME on my butt once or twice too!! There was NO escaping it!! ahhhhh! But, I'll take it. Having the fresh air go in one ear and out the other (ha, thanks Auntie!) was just what I needed.

Home, homework done, bedtimes. They were so exhausted from the bike ride and fresh air, they fell asleep in record time. YAY.

I grabbed my "New Moon" book, started a hot bath, and made this:

Baked brie. It's my TOTAL indulgence ever since I made it at Christmas for the first time. Dangerous stuff, I tell you. THANKFULLY, when I run, I eat less. So I didn't eat the whole thing! ;) THIS time. :P

Read the book, took some time to read scriptures and spend a bit of MUCH NEEDED time on my knees, and hopped into a comfy bed. BEFORE 11 pm-- which hasn't happened much lately.

And it's Thousand Word Thursday. Here's my Thousand Word Picture:

So, today, I am having an "off" day. No TV (dayhome kids aside), no COMPUTER. No Music. No 'random' friendly phone calls. Because I have stuff I want to get done, and meditation to do. I need to work on me. I am looking forward to my off day. See ya'll tomorrow.

Kreativity is Kool

I was given this award yesterday from Kelly. She's a doll, inside and out-- if you haven't yet, check her out! Thanks Beauty!

Here are the rules:
1~ I share with you seven things that I love
2~I nominate seven other bloggers for the honour

So:

1. Sisters. Honestly. They make the top of my list. The ones in my family who make me laugh, who support me...who 'get' me. And the Sisters in my church congregation. The ladies who also support me, who help me when my kids are acting out and I'm stuck at the front leading the music, and who bring meals and help in hard times. But, moreso for the sisters who are there even when it's a GOOD time. I love them. And my daughters-- watching them play as sisters and love each other.. my heart melts. Sisters can't be beat. (oh, and definitely my psuedo sisters, the Ya Yas! ;) )
2. Sunshine. I Am glad that although I live somewhere cold, the sun still shines. Vancouver is beautiful and warmer than Calgary, but the sun shines here more, and even when it's slushy out like today.
3. Berries. Seriously. love them. frozen. in yogurt. fresh. mixed. in fruit pooh. yum yum yum
4. music. I was at a drum/percussion concert this weekend, and I was just fascinated the whole time. It was super cool and entertaining. And I miss my Ipod terribly.
   
5. technology. I can keep in touch with friends so much easier. And telephones and computers are handy when you need a pick me up.
6. Pictures. I'm not a great photographer, but I like having something that catches the moment.
7. Honesty. I can't say enough about that. Honesty with family, honesty in relationships, honesty with yourself. I have dealt with all three within the past few hours, and can attest to how much HONESTY can make or break a good mood.

The people I present this award to are people you may not have visited yet:

Adlibby- entertaining. And, if you act now, you can be her 100th follower if you love her like I do.
Better Than We Deserve- She makes me feel good about my parenting. It's not just me who hates science fairs ;)
Snarky A - in the midst of adversity, she's funny and loving. A great lady!
Cat- She went a month not spending anything 'extra', and saved nearly 500$! Worth trying!
Michelle- Some incredible photography skills. She is darling.
Cate- The 'owner' of Six Word Saturdays. There's always something fun to read.
Aleesha- Raw diet, yoga lifestyle. I'm loving watching her 'release' weight and feeling healthier.

Chapter Books

I finished "Twilight". It was a good book, sure. I love when you finish a chapter and you're soooo excited to start the new one. But I was glad to finish it and completely excited to move on to the next book! There's nothing like moving on.

And so...as much as I was prepared to keep things to myself about this, I went on a date this weekend. In fact, my FIRST date with this guy was last week. And lemme just say, I had an AWESOME, amazing time.

Chris knows. Some of my siblings have met him. Some extended family knows. And some other friends know. So now, all the blogosphere knows too.

Dating is a crazy feeling. It's exciting and TERRIFYING at the same time. But dating after divorce takes on a whole new gamut of 'baggage'. Kids. Fears. Pain. Exes. So many things that you don't 'get' unless you've been there.

For example, check out Mindless's blog post here.

Soon I'll talk about this further. But I thought I'd bring out the next chapter of this blog-- a new chapter. Things with Chris will still be a huge focus of things in my life for a few years more, I know. But, as he stated, "I'm moving on". And part of that means leaving a few things behind. Not everything, but the pain- yes.

Just EF left to go. I've 'cleaned house' of things that remind me of Chris or EF or both. New sheets, new couches, new dayhome kids, new friends. I finally feel like, as hard as it is for me to let go of things sometimes, I'm putting part of the past year behind me. At least, as much as I can.

So, now I start book two.