One-- ah ha ha! Two! ahh- ha- ha!

Last post of the 'summer'.
Boooo.

But, in spite of the crappy things I *COULD* list, today in church we sang the hymn "Count Your Blessings". (no, the link is not the hymn, neither is this link, but they're both good songs found on youtube. But THIS LINK *is* the hymn that we sing-- but believe you me, we do NOT sing it like these guys. How entertaining! Could you imagine singing like this in an LDS church?! The High Priests wouldn't be sleeping, that's for sure! haha)

Okay, back to the purpose of the post.

So, the summer is 'done', so to speak. And this summer, I want to look back at the things I'm truly blessed by. Not in order. But things I've been blessed with in these three summer months.

• peace. I've had so much peace in a whirlwind of upheaval in my life. June 1st, Chris left, and since that day, I've never doubted once that the Lord has been helping me through it by giving me an amazing sence of peace that I do NOT intend to ever take credit for.
• clarity. I have seen things now that my eyes were closed to for a long time. Not just in my marriage, which, to put it lightly, was A LOT of things. But more so, I have seen things about myself that I didn't know existed. Things I could believe, things I could achieve, and things I could let go of that I didn't think I'd ever be able to do. I see much more clearly into the person I CAN be in the future.
  
• friendship. Again, the scripture I talked about HERE was mentioned in a talk in church today. I have been soooo blessed to have found friends, old and new, who I can truly love and rely on. Friends who don't judge me, friends who believe in me, and friends who I enjoy with every morsal of my being. Where I am ME, where I am accepted, and where I feel needed.
• family. I got to spend time with every single brother and sister that I have. Which, to some, may not be that exciting of a 'blessing'. But to me, it's one of the biggest. To be loved so intensely. To truly have the most silly times I've EVER had with people who probably know most about why I am who I am. People, who, luckily for me, if I wasn't related to, I think would STILL be people I'd love to be around. I think I'd be friends with every single one of them. Just like I am today. But, how amazing that I get to be siblings with them too! These people and their spouses are some of the most incredibly beautiful, talented, loving people I know. And I get to call myself theirs for eternity. How amazing.
  On top of siblings, I have two parents who are such examples. Who have overcome so many horrible and beautiful things in life, and are living testaments of power and humility all rolled into a little 5 foot 2 frame and a slender 6 foot 1 body. Does it get any better? I must be a pretty smart person-- I picked them. And I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
  But, there's another link to family I can't forget. Three beautiful, trusting, absolutely astounding children who could kick my butt at living 'joy' any day! Three souls who I don't deserve, but will do my darndest to prove myself otherwise. Three little pairs of hands who, unfortunately for them sometimes, have me wrapped around their tiny fingers in a feeble attempt to guide them to be people I can only HOPE I could be.
• church. I may not follow every teaching to a T. I may not follow some teachings at all! I may not be a very good example to my no-mo (non-mormon) friends and neighbours. I may not understand why I do what I do. I may not really agree with some of it. But it's me. I like that part of me. I feel whole there. I feel... right. And I've been blessed to be in a ward (congregation) where the people are sooo loving to me. Where I feel I could call on any of them, and know I'd have a million of them at my door in minutes. I feel so blessed to have the friendships there that I have. To be able to share so many things with people who have so much in common with me. I love my ward. And that's not something everyone can say at times in their life. But I do. And that's a blessing I don't take lightly. Niether is the fact that my new church building is down the street-- a constant reminder for my children, which is always a good thing.
  
• financial stability. This is not something I've been blessed with very much in my life. Which is my own fault and no one else's. But this summer, I planned. I budgeted. I saved. I learned to live WELL within my means. And I'm proud of myself for that. I have been taught MANY lessons from people much smarter than I. Doesn't mean I applied the lessons in my life... But recently, I've started to. And it's a nice feeling.
• health. Simple and not that impressive. But I have great health. I don't need to compare myself to others to know how lucky I am. I can run for over an hour, and not lose my breath. I can rely on my legs to take me up 100 stairs, and know that they'll still take me down 100 more. I have eyes to see the flowers in my garden. I have ears that hear laughter of the kids in my dayhome. I have muscles that I'm proud of-- they remind me of the priviledge I have to work on them. I've lost 15 pounds in just the summer months alone. I've done that because I'm happy to be healthy, and I will NOT let myself forget to take care of this body I've been given. True, I may have surgically altered it- but I have enough health to recover from that. And I feel good about this body. stretch marks aside! ;)
• humour. without it, the list above would have been pretty minimal as I would have sat here in my tears. But, I have found laughter more this summer than I can EVER remember. And, with all the 'crap' surrounding me, that's a pretty impressive feat. I have smiled through hard times, and have appreciated other's humour during those times to get that smile to permeate into my soul.
• love. I know what love is. I know what it can be. And I've felt void of it more than my share of times this summer. Which is why I can also say I've learned to appreciate the moments I've felt it all that much more!

My list doesn't end there. But I am grateful for summer 2008. What a wonderful summer, you've got to agree!

Day Dreamin'

Today, I found something I want. Badly.

CLICK HERE to meet the new love of my life.

Okay, so it's not the right colour, but she's so pretty.
*thinks- odd-- I just named it a 'she'. First car I've ever owned that I considered a 'she'. Kinda. We had a VW Jetta we called Lucy, but Chris kinda started that one. Maybe I just consider VWs girls???
She's pretty, though, hey? And, lemme tell you- I like the price. I could afford her. I don't know that I'd WANT to spend that kind of money-- this was an already expensive month. But, this is my dream-- my dream car! And cheap. And pretty. and so mine.

I called them. But they didn't answer, so I left a msg for more info. Chris was beside me when I found her, and he's all, 'let's go to Edmonton. I'll drive the kids home and you can drive the car!'. He was not being the devil's advocate at that point-- so, IF they had phoned and the car was still for sale, I would be in Edmonton right now. So it's probably a good thing they weren't home. he knows I want this, though, and have for YEARS AND YEARS. Like, longer than probably 15 years!

hah, and because I have a 2-car garage and only ME to park in it, it's not like there's not room in my garage! lol. In fact, speaking of room in my garage- I will be housing a crotchrocket over the winter. :S whatever. I reminded him that I'm not responsible for scratches from children or mice. HAHA. (found this picture of a yellow beetle, with ears and a mouse-tail-- seemed too funnily coincidental to my life lately! LOL)

We picked up a movie for the kids for 'datenight' tonight with them. And, in the store, I saw Prison Break Season Two and Season Three for sale. Season Three was 68 bucks... and way more money than I wanted to spend. Season 2 was 42 bucks. Still expensive, but more reasonable. (Season One is already in my hot-little-fist; bought that a while back) I asked the cashier if they were on sale or anything. She told me they weren't, but she'd sell me season Three previously viewed for only 18 bucks! WHAT WHAT WHAAATT?!?! 18 bucks?! I didn't even flinch-- "sold!" I told her. She took them off the shelves, and proceeded to put them into their proper cases. Then rang them through. And season two-- which WAS on sale! I got BOTH seasons for less than the price of one by itself! I was soooo super thrilled.

And those who are excited like me: Prison Break, Season 4 starts on Monday night. For those who AREN'T Fanattics like me-- Do NOT phone my house on Monday nights starting this week, okay? Because I won't answer. Or I'll be annoyed if I do. :) Monday nights I do not exist to you. So don't phone! lol love ya, but don't phone.

yesterday I spent the entire day without a bra or the 'restraints' on. To let the blisters finally scab and start to heal. Putting the bra and tensors back on hurt like crazy. And today, one boob is a bit of a different shape than the other. Not that anyone else would notice (no, it's not like one's a ball and the other's a pentagon...) but there's a TINY difference. I am hoping that's just part of healing-- they won't heal exactly the same. And this boob is also the one that hurts a bit at one particular spot of the muscle-- like I pulled it or something. So that's probably contributing to it too. I'll keep you updated. Good thing it's not noticable in case this was a serious 'malfunction' in my healing process. I can't believe I've had these things for a week and a half already! That's nuts!

You Never Get a Second Chance

To Make a First Impression....


Friday morning--
Meet and greet the teachers at the new-to-us school that Bear and LL got accepted into. I only had one extra kid today for the dayhome, so both Chris and I took our three monkeys and the import to meet the teachers.

I was getting ready in the shower, so when Chris arrived at the house (we figured it's just easier to carpool), he got the kids dressed and ready. Conversation ensues:

Chris: Mimi's not wearing a diaper, okay?
Me: uh. Well, okay. But is she wearing pants or a skirt? (my thinking behind this, is that, if she's wearing pants, she tends to think she can get away with peeing them. If she's wearing a skirt, she's less likely, as there's nothing there to 'hide' it.)
Chris: oh, I put her in a skirt. (he knew the 'rules' of Mimi's training)


Bear's teacher was first. Mrs. D sounds wonderful, and, although Bear had a few listening issues, we all know it's only because he was so excited to be there. The other kids were playing at the back of the classroom with the toys. 1/2 hour later, we're getting ready to leave. And we discover it. The pile of POOH on the floor! POOH!!

On my way to clean it up.. like, literally, two feet away from it, the imported dayhome kid STEPS RIGHT IN IT. And walks on. GAHHHH!! This is a series of horrible moments! As Kiala takes a step, little Hershey Kisses are dropping out of her skirt, down her leg to the floor.

That is NOT the first impression at this school that I was hoping to make. We apologized profusely, but seriously-- it was so humiliating! I cleaned it up, and took the poopy children out to the van to clean them up... when I discovered the TRUE culprit. No, it wasn't my lovely (albeit stinky) daughter's fault she pooped on the floor (well, not entirely). That skirt that Daddy put her in? Yah. A skirt with ATTACHED SHORTS UNDERNEATH! Not quite the same thing as a skirt, Daddy. grr. he and I giggled, and he said with a muffled laugh, "well, I learned something new today, hey?". :/

I cleaned the kids up, while Daddy and LL met her teacher, Ms. L. Both seem to be perfect fits for the kids, and I hope that once school starts, it will be manifested then too! They're going to do well with this school. I'm happy. And in three years when Mimi goes to this school, hopefully she'll make a better lasting impression than the stench she left in that room today!


(BHAHAHAHAHA, searching "smelly things" on google, and I came across this gem. Truer words were never spoken-- why Chinese proverbs are always so insightful is beyond me! LOL)

I Love My Girls!

Ever laughed so hard that your boobs hurt? No? Just me? hm.. nevermind then. I think there's nearly NO part of my body that wasn't "clenching" in laughter last night- the first GV night since EVER. It was one of those nights we ALL needed, and it didn't fail to deliver. Man, how can you not love girls like this?? LOL And yes, they all met my new two members of the GV group... boob D and boob D2. (I know, DJo, you probably didn't want me telling everyone about that, hey? LOL)

We ate Fruit Pooh, which is only the yummiest concoction to ever come out a machine. Check it out-- frozen fruit turned into pulp that rivals ANY frozen yogurt, yet is PURE fruit and delish! MMM.

Yes, I love my GV girls!

And yes, I am learning to love my 'girls' too. As they get better and I don't shock myself when I look in the mirror. Kinda like that first time brushing your hair after a drastic haircut-- takes some getting used to, no matter HOW great the new look is.

And I love my girls, too.
LL and Mimi. I love Bear, too, but we're gonna talk about my girls today. Mimi has been beating the potty-training patience of mine. She was doing so fantastically until I left for b@@bapalooza, and since coming home, has been pretty hit and miss. As in, hit the floor and miss the potty. By a lot. Like, a whole other room! We POOHED on the floor yesterday. Lucky for me, she had diarrhea too-- that was super fun to clean up. GRRR. So, I'm hoping that she'll go back to the good job of training again. She sure liked being bribed, so I may start that up again for a week to kick start her memory.

LL, on the other hand, has been acting out something fierce. Fighting with people, backtalking to Chris and I, and worst- she's been stealing from AND lying to her friends. Then she lied to another friend, RIGHT after we got in a LARGE discussion about how to be a good friend and the consequences, etc. THEN she lied to me. It actually broke my heart, and I started tearing up as I told her that part of the reason Daddy doesn't live with us anymore is because he lied to Mommy too. That it really hurt me, and that the last thing I can handle is my children ALSO lying to me. The tears fell from my cheeks, and from the look of sorrow and sympathy on her face, I think she 'got it'. Until tomorrow. But hopefully something kicks in here.

We notice little things about her behaviour. I'm hoping that with school starting, and a little bit of a challenge and structure, she'll be better in a few months. That, and she'll see that neither Chris nor I are leaving HER, and that she's still loved to death by two parents who are working HARD *as a team* to do what's best for her. Maybe I'm not doing it right according to others, but I'm trying.

According to the 'experts', we're doing everything right related to how to help her through this change in her life. And according to the Lord, I'm trying. And there's nothing else I can do-- ask you all to love my daughter and help her feel secure. Ask you to pray with me for continued guidance on my behalf on how to help her grow up to be loved and spiritual-- a village to raise a child, right? And then, I need to do what the experts suggest. And rely on the Lord. And just remind myself that it's not really in my hands after that.

Get My Groove On

What me and my 'girls' are dancing to lately. hahah. And man, can they bounce to the beat. HAHAHA. I funny to me.
Yes, again, there's sometimes a reoccurring theme here.. but it's my music, you can groove along if you like. Or don't. lol

I'm Done!
Only the funnest song EVER! lol. I love Jo Dee.. that's not news to anyone. But this song rocks. Like, push-play-and-set-the-repeat rocks!

Leavin'
Don't know why.. the more I listen to this song, the more I like it. Although, the message leaves something to be desired! lol

Potential Break Up Song
Yep. These girls are fun. I don't know how I found them-- kinda youtube-stumbled on this song, and liked it.

Heartbreaker
JUST introduced to this by Rachel. 10 Q babe. I likie this one.

I'm Such A Boob

(BEFORE I GO ON-- THIS POST HAS PICTURES-- DO NOT READ ON IF YOU DON'T WANNA 'SEE EM!')

I got dumped last night.

Chris showed up after work to chill with the kids, and watch the girls while I took Bear on his birthday date to the movie (like LL's date I spoke about here).. Bear had chosen to take me to see Wall-E. Until Daddy came over.

So, I got ditched by a cute boy for... ANOTHER cute boy!? LOL Sucked to be me. ;) No, I'm okay. I'm always glad that the kids want to spend time with Chris, so I anticipate not being on many birthday dates in the future-- Dads time is a rarer commodity than Moms is. And that's okay.

And because many have asked.. A little TMI about the boobs.. Stop reading here if you prefer NOT to see pictures you may regret seeing!!!!

the girls are good. I got blisters on the bottom of the breasts- I think it was from the tape that the Dr. had put on the first day-- when he took it off, he was NOT gentle. Think RIP!! I think it slightly blistered me. Not the point. The blisters are hurting and oozing, because they can't heal! The bra is tight (on purpose) and has to be worn 24/7 (of course, not while showering, but yah, even to bed, etc) so it's kinda sucky. Other than the blister spots, which hurt, yes, the breasts themselves don't hurt. The only thing that actually hurts is my sides/ribcage and under my armpits. My pecks don't even really hurt- but they do if I try to lift stuff that's over 15 pounds or move my arm laterally too much-- like when I scrub the counters, etc. And they're bruised like a motha', but that just LOOKS awful, it's not actually sore AT all where the bruises are. The picture here is the bruising at day one-- it got worse by day 4!!

I'm getting used to them. They're big, yes, but I like them. I'd say they're 'growing on me', but in actuality, it's more like they're shrinking on me, as the swelling is going down. But yesterday I did it--

I put on a bikini top.

And, in that moment, I smiled. Yah baby-- THAT'S more like it. I felt good, and instantly remembered the trip to the store a while ago. Now I feel MUCH better about how I feel, and I am grateful I did it. I ALMOST look like the chick in the picture, and not the man! lol Well, one can hope, at least! The before....
and the After ....

HOLY CRAP. Seeing them side by side like that... whoa. Hadn't done that yet. LOL I've been this size before-- but I was also 60 lbs heavier and had a gut to offset them! But you can see the bruises now-- the after picture is taken today. Now you can all say you have seen them. Kinda. I may delete this post in five minutes, so take a good long look before I change my mind!

*UPDATE* after talking with a few girlfriends and loyal readers.. we all agree-- that 'after' picture above makes them look MASSIVE! And they're not THAT big. I think it's just the swimsuit. So here's a picture of me (on the phone with one of those said girlfriends) and another of just me being silly-- taken today with REGULAR clothes. My kids haven't even noticed the change, so obviously they can't be THAT big.


I got good news yesterday, though. The kinda-ex/ friend (see 'cue email' part) who had been doing so terribly in life finally called me last night. I was so happy to hear from him, happy he was relatively safe and doing a bit better. It was awkward, as Chris was beside me during the conversation, and I know how Chris feels about me having this person in my life. I felt bad for Chris-- kinda like showing him that hickey he showed to me-- you KNOW it's kinda hurting them, but not like you can actually hide it. But he understood-- he was still living at home when I last talked with this ex of mine and we got in something of a heated discussion... read: Ex was an A$$, and I told him not to call me back until he was ready to treat me with respect. Since Chris was there, he know how it bothered me, so he's glad that we finally 'reconciled'...read: Ex finally was sober enough to talk like a human.

And I got MORE good news: That person whom I'm extremely close to (see the third bullet in the link), with the sickness-- it turns out to NOT be the dreaded news we were expecting, and she and her family are all very relieved. Understandably. I am so happy that things worked out well in this instance. So many people don't have good health, and it seems that more and more people are dying of cancers and sicknesses and too young an age that just shouldn't be happening! I am happy that's not the case here, and continue to pray for continued good health for me, my children, my family, friends, and Chris. I don't expect daisies and roses forever. But I'll take the summertime garden while the season is blooming so I can remember the colours in the cold of winters to come.

Although, thinking of that... It's fall after this weekend. And, I do love the changes of Autumn.

Because it's Funny

I got this email. I laughed and laughed. So I am sharing it with you, because I'm that bored and because I think you'll laugh too.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb!
(now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Holy crap!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I wanna be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy!)
(I'm still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(don't try this at home.. maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home.... what the....!!?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,ooo taste buds.
(What could be so tasty at the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life... quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(hmmmmm...... actually, for me, my tongue has ALWAYS impressed people, so no shocker there)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too!)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(if they switch, they'll live a lot longer!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Yep.. stupid, useless facts.. Now, add a comment with one of your own stupid facts. No Jerry Maguire copycats-- we all know that dogs and bees smell fear.

Days of Interesting Days

I know, it's Wednesday. Which means it should be a Wednesday W's day. But because there's sooo much to say, I couldn't bear to subject myself to that forum for today. Instead, we're going on a different theme. Everything lately has been kinda... weird. So, today we're gonna do, Wednesday Weirds...

Monday consisted of a bunch of weird, random encounters that I was soooo unprepared for. I mean, none of them were BAD per se, but in general, they were just, weird.

I got an email from each side of a married couple, but each of them sent it to me personally. She wanted to know how single life was treating me, and he wanted to know about the boobs. LOL. Typical, right? okay, both of them are unaware the other has emailed me ON THE SAME DAY, no less. I don't hear from this couple EVER, and here, on the same day, they both message me. One with genuine interest in life as a single mom (?? should I assume there's a bit more to her proding?) and one with genuine interest in, to put it frankly, FEELING my new girls! Ahhhh, big problem, me thinkie. I had an inner chuckle to myself, all the while, thinking... is this for real!? Where's the hidden camera!? And how the heck do I reply to EITHER of them!?

Next is a phone call from someone who is, uh... ten steps more ahead of a relationship than I am. Problem is, that relationship centres on ME! HAHAH, didn't know I was in the market! lol AWKWARD!

Then, as if some weird bermuda triangle thing hit my life, that friend who was flat out ignoring me was totally acting all normal again. ??? uh.. did I miss something!? There was no reason for the ignoring. Nothing. So call me confused and paint my toenails, but I shook my head for the millionth time... and it was only Monday morning!

Another married guy friend keeps asking me to join him and his wife. First off, lets set something straight! I do NOT know why these things are all happening at this time in my life-- I find it disturbingly humourous. To that point of nervous laughter...uh...'is this for real, what the freek do I reply with? LOL" Secondly, uh, the answer is a resounding NO! Like you were all worried, I'm sure! HAHAHAHA. But, seriously! Worse of worse, his wife--- NOT INTO THAT!!! HAHAH, what, like bringing in a third person when your WIFE isn't into it is going to go as 'planned'.. That would be a mistake of EPIC proportions! LOL
Shakes head.
And, he is well aware of my situation in life currently, so asking me to help a married man cheat-- yah, A) don't know me well enough AT ALL!!!! And B) really don't get that I'm probably the LAST person to approach for support in that category right now! And ever. So yah, no. Major weirdness to me.

Then the doorbell rings. That's unexpected, since the kids I dayhome are all here-- and parents aren't due to arrive for a while. Who's at the door? EF and her daughter. !!!!!???? Nice to see her, her daughter rushes in and gives me a huge hug. (I, of course, am careful to hug people these days. lol) EF then starts gushing about the twins-- how much were they? They look great. How do I feel? What size did I go? ... and then starts to touch them. LOL For some reason, I felt pregnant again-- people who just up and touch your buldging bodyparts without permission. lol I thought it was fairly weird. Kinda waited for the 'I came over because I wanted to talk about such-and-such moment' , or 'I need a cup of sugar' or something. Nope. Just came over to check out the goods growing off my chest. LOL Just me, or a little weird?!

Weird was also knowing that I was 'alone' for reals. Uncle wasn't coming home later. He wasn't gonna be around to take care of the TWO Mighty Mouses that we caught while I was gone. ew. Chris was nice and actually took care of them both. Which was fine with me this time, as I'm not really feeling strong enough in my upper body to lift an entire SHOVEL to dispose of them MY way. LOL I can barely wipe my kitchen counters. So my kitchen floors, because they're unvacuumed, are pretty scary right now. Meh. It's just Crispy Rice cereal. It'll get cleaned eventually. lol

We went and finished the kids' school shopping... buying shoes and supplies. It was nice to have Chris' help, since pushing a cart woulda hurt. And I don't have the energy to deal with three monkeys alone. He has been helping a lot with stuff around here too-- getting stuff down from up high (that's the part of the surgery I hate the most-- don't really wanna lift my arms too high) and stuff like that. I haven't had to cook yet, so that's also a nice break. Won't last forever, but I'll take it for now. Thanks for the meal, too, Val!

Chris slept over Monday night. Before you all get your panties in a bunch-- it was totally fine. He, in his mid-life crisis, bought a crotchrocket motorcycle. He has wanted one for a while, so, in truth, it's not much different than me getting a boobjob. lol But the weather was crappy and raining Monday night, and he couldn't ride his bike home. He's only had his licence for a few days and isn't too confident to do that yet. No biggie. I'd prefer that anyways-- last thing I need is having to explain to my kids that something horrible happened to Daddy. Yah... soooo not up my alley. Parked his bike in the garage and slept here. Which was nice, seeing as it meant I wasn't alone in the house for the first night without Uncle. We didnt' want the kids to get confused, though, so he left before they were awake. I think having Daddy at the house in the morning would only create bigger confusion that niether Chris nor I think is a good idea. Weird, yes. But not in a bad way.

Yesterday morning I spent laughing until I cried, talking with my girlfriends on the computer. Man, I remember what I missed about that. Seriously, I have great friends.

Then, we had our final mediation meeting with Ms. Tim Hortons. It was exactly as expected-- smooth and no problems. We (being Chris and I) kinda expected to talk about certain things, but apparently mediation doesn't deal with financial agreements/housing..etc. So that kinda surprised us, only because we were hoping to put all that down on paper too. It's considered "Separation Agreement" type of stuff, and this was a "mediation agreement". Uhhh, what's the difference? Doesn't matter. It's done. At least, the mediation part is. I guess we'll eventually have to do the separation agreement part... which we will. Someday. It was nice to get that over and done with, though. Even though it took about 3 hours, it was totally good.

And my visiting teacher and another woman from my ward came over to watch not only MY kids for the 4 hours I was gone, but the dayhome kids too! Fed them lunch! Put them down for naps! Entertained them...and, shame of all shames, cleaned my kitchen. I was SOOO thankful. Especially because they both had much more important personal things to take care of, but they came and did that for me. I love the ward I'm in-- the women here are truly amazing examples of friendship and sisters.

And that pretty much leaves me at today. Took TWO painkillers last night in an attempt to get through an entire night without waking up at about 3 am in pain. It worked.... slept until the alarm went off, but my head reallllllly hurts this morning. BOO on that. So I took a tylenol. Taking a drug to minimize a drug-induced headache seems kinda addict-y to me. lol Ya ya.

Quote Of The Day

Be who you are and say what you feel
because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Time to Settle Down

Okay, so I'm doing it. Sitting here, with far too much to talk about from the trip and no motivation to start. LOL I mean, where to start anyways?!~

okay, first off, since you're allll wondering with baited breath (okay, let's imagine-- because, honestly, baited breath just sounds suspenseful!) Yes, I got the job. I didn't need the lift after all-- Dr. said I could want one in maybe ten years, but don't NEED one. So I'm lift-free. And dang-nabbit, I'm happy I am! Because these girls are perky enough without a lift that I'd be worried I'd choke myself to death if I added the lift! lol They're very, uh... up there. In your face-- LITERALLY! LOL. It'll be a few weeks before they find their own, uh, niche, in my chest. ROFL-- this whole paragraph has gone WAY sideways fast. Point is (and yes, I have TWO points!!!!! LOL) I got the job. They're huge and hard and perky right now and slightly painful. I'm off the drugs-- can't be on drugs and dayhome kids-- that's just not kosher with me. And in a few weeks I'll be much more 'settled' into them.

Settling down- school starts next week and I am SO unprepared. Thankfully the uniforms are bought and sized and ready to go, but their shoes are still needed, and all their school supplies. And I'm looking for a carpool person to drive Bear home Monday to Thursdays after school so I dont' have to trek the dayhome everyday (during calgary winters.. blah) to get him at lunchtime. So not my cup-a-tea. And I don't like tea on a good day!

Chris came over last night. The kids had a GREAT time at my parent's house-- not that I knew they wouldn't anyways! They were talking about climbing trees and playing the piano and parades....they wouldn't shut up! Once we got them to bed, we talked for a long time again. We've turned a corner in our relationship again, a corner I enjoy very much. It's ALMOST at that 'why are we divorcing again?' corner, but not. I mean, we KNOW this is the right course of action, but the way we're getting along lately really makes us remember why we were such a great pair, usually. He signed the papers while I was in Utah. So now we're pretty much 'done' the work part. We have mediation tomorrow, but it should go smoothly and after that, there's nothing left to do. So that's nice. I guess. Weird. But good.

And I caught two more Mighty Mouses while I was away. Grrrrr. Time to buy more traps. But glad these ones are on the floor and easy to scoop with the shovel. haha. Now that Uncle has moved out totally, it really is Me against the World in this home. Scary. LL had a bad dream last night about our home being broken into-- her biggest worry is that Daddy's not here to keep her safe. I'm going to have to find ways to help that worry in her go away as best I can. I want and need her to feel safe at home. I know I'm not 'Daddy', but hopefully I can be one pretty darned good "Mommy" who does everything just as good. :)

Leaving The Old Me Behind

I'm out, guys! I don't even have time for a real post today-- busy packing and cleaning the house. (I know I won't want to clean when i return, so I have to get it done today).
I will post when I can-- but not likely until I return-- I don't know if I'll have internet access while I'm in Utah.
Believe it or not-- this sign is actually REAL and on the temple grounds! lol. I find that funny.

I need this. For the FIRST time, I'm purely excited to leave. Just excited. Gonna go, spend a bit of time having a BLAST as a girl friend with Kare, spend a bit of time in spiritual enlightenment walking temple grounds, and spend a bit of time just sorting out my internal issues.

Oh, and a bit of time getting new body parts, perhaps! My aunt said it best: I hope to come home with bOObs instead of boobs. LOL Or, this ( o Y o ) instead of this \ 0/\O/ hahahah. Man, I have too much time on my hands to make those pictures- I'm outta here to pack. lol

Take care of things while I'm gone! :P

My Personal YoYo: Take your Cue.

Yesterday was the proverbial 'yoyo' day. Cue bad mood...Started off really crappy, seeing as I didn't sleep AT ALL the night before. I couldn't make my head shut up-- no matter what I thought of, or said to myself, or how tired I was... nothing was working. I slept SOOO bad. Couldn't even get to bed until midnight, then tossed and turned, LITERALLY until 1:30. Woke up again at 3.. tossed and turned FOR REAL until about 4:30...got to sleepish until 6. Needless to say, I was tired. And it was the last day for a Redbull!! Sooo, knowing that, it probably won't help me and my tiredness today! (we'll come back to why I'm so tired today in a bit!) I will miss you today, RedBull. I'd BETTER get these boobs-- or this fasting of Redbull will be for naught. lol

So, I messaged my girlfriends, told them about my sleepless night and WHAT was going through my head. Got their opinions and support on the issue, and started to feel a BIT better. Cue mood up!

I've got a friend who's mad at me or something-- I can't really tell because, quite uncharacteristically, they're not emailing me back. I'm confused and hurt by the actions of this person, to the point that it's actually upsetting me. And we're not even that good of friends. I hate people being mad/angry with me. I hate thinking I've hurt someone or something, and hate it MORE when I don't know what I did or how to apologize for it. I still haven't decided how to address this-- I'm giving a bit of space that maybe they're wanting, and we'll just see what happens after that. Hopefully, whatever I did (or didn't do... or whatever) doesn't make me lose a friendship that I've enjoyed. So yah, that was upsetting yesterday too. Cue down mood.

Then, a bit later, I got a phone call from MC, who really helped alleviate my anxiety too. I love you, girly! Cue UP mood.

I didn't have an appetite AT ALL. So I was tired and going on NO food. No, that's NOT a reason to be excited that I'm down to 137, but the evil part of me isn't crying about it either! lol

I finally got a hold on myself, when my mother-in-law phoned. I wasn't ready for that. She's wonderful, as I've mentioned before, and I enjoy her and love her immensely. But to tell her how I was doing was really scary- I didn't want to admit it to people on 'Chris's side'. I didn't want HIM to know I wasn't doing well. And so, after her phone call and my buckets of tears, yes, we cue the moment my mood fell back down.

Cue job interview and girlfriends again. Put me in a better mood. I stress a little less about money now, as I was 'hired' by this lady on the spot, making my dayhome FULL. To top it off, a dayhome child that I THOUGHT was leaving in December, ISN'T any more. So, that child I agreed to in January to 'fill his spot', will put me into a bit of a crazy situation. But we'll see- things change, as I've said before. But at least my stress about stuff like that was minimized.

Cue email from a mother of a dear ex of mine. (I use Ex lightly). He's doing really terribly in life right now, and no one has really heard from him. I am really really saddened by this information. Really. He was the one in jail, who was turning his life around so well when he got out. My heart will always love him, and it breaks for his mother and family and of course, for his choices. I hope he stays safe and hope that someday soon he'll contact me. Cue sadness again.

Cue Chris over for dinner and to take the kids for a walk. I told him I wasn't ready to be around him today, that I'm not doing 'well' lately. I left to get some banking done while he played with the kids, and then we all stood around outside until nearly 9:30 pm with everyone's kids running around, talking in a circle with a few neighbours. They're great neighbours, we're very lucky that way. And they're fun, so, once again, the yoyo effect takes it's toll, and I am in a better mood.

As the kids get put to bed, I get ready to say goodbye to Chris. We stood at the door, talking for a while. He knew something was really wrong, because at one point, he asked if I'd rather sit on the couch and chat. I agreed. We talked for a few hours before Uncle came in the door. It was hard to feel like we could talk without being heard, so we hopped into Chris' car and spent most of the night talking about everything that's bothering me and him. Better yet, I finally got a hug. Yes, *I* asked for it-- kinda... I guess, it's better to admit that I 'went in' for the hug. He knew not to ask me for one anyways, as I had told him that a while ago. I can't express things here-- there's too much that was said, too much that was discussed, and too much that was felt. One thing I'll share: When discussing why I'm upset lately, I told him that I hate that I care so much. And he asked why I hate that.

I sat there for a second, then laughed to myself a bit. He's right. I shouldn't hate that I care. I'm proud that I care. And, the lightbulb went off-- the things that are bothering me lately-- I need to remember that it's OKAY to care about them. It's funny. Later in the evening/morning, he said, "I know you, but I feel like I don't know you". And he's totally right-- he knows me better than anyone-- my looks, my body language.. (and I him-- as I called him on it last night-- he 'sighs' everytime he finishes an internal thought.. lol) he knows me, and I him, but we've changed a lot in the past 3 months.

I think last night has helped me through a bit of the slump. I think something as simple as his hug was all I needed. But, more importantly, I think that the conversation was MOST important. Now you know why I'm sooooo tired today-- we were talking for so long last night that I only got about an HOUR of sleep.

Worth the sacrifice. Cue mood up.

Wednesday Ws

Who: Musicians
What: Made these songs
Where: in studios, I assume
When: when the mood stroke, I suppose. lol
Why: Okay, let's cut out this W stuff- it doesn't work for this part...My tunes lately. (ya yah, I know it's not Tuesday... hence, it's not a Tuesday Tunes post. It's a Wednesday Ws... and well, it's my blog, and I'll cry if I want to! lol)

And although THIS SONG was a song that reminds me of an ex (don't ask.. it's all good), I 'feel' it today.
THIS SONG is one of those ones I could listen to over and over again lately.

On a different note:

Introduced to THIS SONG recently through a friend, the words are EXACTLY me lately. I'm not generally into this type of music, but this one I like.
And when I need to remember.... why I'm doing this. (I'm really NOT this bitter, but I think it's funny to listen to. Okay, SOME days I'm this bitter... but not TRULY. I loved him. But he WAS one! *haha, how come jerks don't know they're jerks? HAHA*)


Who: The Elders
What: came over
Where: to my house, of course! lol
When: last night
Why: Well, the simple answer is because they're both being transfered to other areas, and they wanted to come by, say thanks for the good times, and goodbye. But I like to think that, in some small way, they were an answer to the prayer of my heart. No, I didn't PRAY they'd come over. But they showed up at PERFECT timing, we had a great, lighthearted talk in the backyard, and when they got up to leave, I asked for a blessing. When they pulled up in their car, as I was outside, that was HONESTLY my first thought-- ask them. I don't know my home teachers very well, and don't want to bother people to come over, so when they just showed up, I knew I was being watched over. Sounds trite to some, too religious and froo froo to others, but we all know that when times are truly hard, one's spirituality is what usually pulls them through. So tough for those who don't get that about me. I needed them right then. And they showed up. And that's not coincidental to me. These boys were great Elders, and I'll miss them. I usually like the newbie that replaces the old one(although it's rare to replace BOTH at the same time), so I'm sure things will be fine again. I needed their blessing. And I am happy I got it.

Who: Me and the kids
What: got a run/bike in
Where: through the community
When: last night
Why: It's proven that exercise alleviates feelings of depression and sadness by releasing endorphines and aiding in mental release of negative thoughts. So I took my cranky kids out... they needed those endorphines. (haha, TOTALLY KIDDING-- it was WAY me who needed it-- who are we really kidding here!? lol) Ran the same route as last time.. today, seeing EF probably would have done me in. She wasn't there, nor was her daughter. Happy not to have that dagger slightly twisted. Yes, I forgive EF. But it still reminds me of the reason the sugar hit the fan.

.....*thinks*

So really, I should thank her. Yep. Today I thank her for getting me out of that. Without her, would I have EVER known about what I know about? Would Chris and I have ever gotten better, or would I still be stuck in what I didn't SEE as unhappiness but was?

Okay, tangent over-- seriously, I need to stay on track with this post. lol

ANYWHO, running sucked. LOL haven't done it in WAY too long, so it's a good thing I did it today. Maybe I'll sleep better. But more importantly maybe it will help bring me out of this funk a bit. And, less importantly, I need to ensure that when I step on that scale tomorrow morning, it is STILL under 140. lol (yes, I step on my scale EVERY day. So what?)


Who: The Conquering HERO!
What: picked up limp-bodied Mighty
Where: from the safety of a long-handled shovel
When: yesterday.. (although Chris didn't end up coming over yesterday, I did it before lunch)
Why: now THAT is the question I keep asking myself! LOL. Yes, I picked up Mighty (in the trap, of course) with a shovel, 5 kids screaming and 'ew'ing and freaking out behind me... wait.. that was me freaking out. Nevertheless, the kids were all around, screaming too. But, PAT ON MY BACK, I put Mighty in the garbage and RESET a new trap. Yep. Me. All by myself. Don't THINK that I didn't want to call over my husky, manly-man neighbour who was outside at the time and ask him to do it... because the thought crossed my mind OVER AND OVER. But no. *I* did it. Me. By myself. With no encouragement from the peanut gallery. The peanut gallery was all dancing around like maniacs about the dead mouse. lol

We won't mention how, before I used the shovel to pick it up, I grabbed the LONGEST handled broom to 'poke' it just to be sure it was dead. ROFL. I'm not kidding. I thought, "maybe it's still alive, and when I go to pick up the dead carcass it will jump up and try to run away again!?" I HATE mice, and it's for the reason that my imagination is like THIS! lol

Another One Bites the Dust

Chris called this morning for some info that I keep in my wallet. Which was in my purse. Which was in the car. Which, yes, was in the garage. ... the very same garage with 8 traps set up!!! 8!! He laughed at me as I exclaimed how badly I didn't want to go into the garage...lol. First 4 traps I see are still set and baited. They're the ones I expected to have caught something in first, as they're nearest to where Mighty was caught. Next 2, still good. I've also caught a mouse near there before. Next one- GAH!!! Dead mouse! Ew ew ew ew ew ew. I put the trap there, but TOTALLY thought it was a dumb spot. Apparently not! I freaked out on the phone, Chris laughing his butt off at me. LOL I know he truly loved me once, because he said that when he comes over later, he'll take care of it for me. What a sweetie. But I told him I'd do it. And I will. Before he comes. Because I have to do that FOR ME-- and a little to prove to him I don't NEED him in that way anymore.
One down.

Doing it for me. Because I don't need him. But last night, I really did. This post is gonna be a bit verbal-diarrhea-ish and possibly hard to follow, but I need to release stuff, and this is my outlet right now.

In the course of a few days, I realized I've been out of touch with my feelings again. I was putting them aside, and putting on a mask of 'everything's good' again. I am disappointed in myself for doing that, as, until now, I've been making a conscious effort to let each feeling run its course. In letting things run their course, I also need to be pretty flexible in recognizing when the first feeling is over and the next feeling has emerged-- even if I'm not mentally or physically (spiritually, temporally, socially) ready to face and embrace it. I wasn't ready for the feelings of last night, but they hit hard.

I got really lonely. I sat back and saw how things in my recent past have been somewhat masking my TRUE emotions... even though it was a completely unintentional, unconscious thing. And it came down on me yesterday.

I think that there's a bit of stress in my life right now that's adding to this instability in my ever-so-calculated emotional state. (right... I'm SOOOO stable! HAHAH, that's a good one) I think that Friday is a much bigger day than I anticipate. Friday I leave for B@@bapalooza- And although I still feel confident about that decision in life right now, there's so many 'what ifs' that are stressing me. Secondly, Uncle moves out. More on that in a sec.

B@@bapalooza:
I worry about getting there and being told I'm not a good candidate for the simple augmentation, being told that without a lift as well, I won't get results I desire, and having to go home empty-chested. (lol.. sorry, that was too good to pass up) I WON'T agree to the lift because I don't have weeks of recovery time-- I have days. Days that an augmentation would be sufficient with, but not a lift. I don't have the money for a lift. I mean, I *DO*, but then ALL financial 'security' I'm building would start at zero-balance again, and I'm not cool with that uncertainty at this junction of life. I don't know how I'd feel about the scars, either. Small point, but it's there.

Uncle:
Uncle has lived here for 2 years. For 2 years I've dealt with his annoying habits, his tedious attention to peeling ALL THE WHITE off of EVERY SEGMENT in mandarine oranges (kill me now! lol), his dirt, his grime, his utterly disgusting diet and refusal to eat certain foods or even 5-minute old 'left overs'. GRRRR.
Yep. Lived with someone else parenting my children when I'm standing RIGHT there-- in my own home. Someone else logged into sites I can't STAND or erasing passwords and account numbers I don't know off by heart because we share a computer. Someone parked in dumb spots at dumb times. Leaving lights on. Leaving food out.
And I hate that he's leaving. I'm gonna miss him sooo much. It's really crashing down on me lately-- I will NOT have a man in the house. I will NOT have someone taller to change the lightbulbs I can't reach in this stupid house with lofty ceilings that Chris designed... I won't have someone here to 'watch the kids sleep' while I go out for hours at a time to recoup with my girlfriends on walks until midnight or so. GV night? Possibly won't be attending unless everyone comes here EVERY time-- how lame will that get after a month! But mostly, I'm gonna miss HIM! His humour, his love, his patience.

Last night I needed Chris. But not Chris himself. I needed what he was to me once. I needed to feel loved as a woman. To feel male arms around me, comforting me that I'm safe and okay and loved. I still need that today, apparently, because as I typed that simple sentence, tears welled up again and fell down my cheeks. I know I don't need a man-- it's not like that. I just love to love. I love to give that part of myself-- I realized last night that that's why I haven't ever been 'alone' much in life. I love to be in a relationship, and now that I'm not, and can't really be, it's a new 'feeling' I'm unaware of. I know how to deal with emotions-- but this one is new. And I wasn't prepared for it. I dont' like it. I don't even know how I WANT to react to it, either.

I needed a hug. No prayer or pillows sufficed last night. So, with my heart in my hands, I took the kids out to buy a new movie. I went on a date with three cuties. Bought this movie and sat with my three monkeys on the floor with the lights off, in our jammies and with our blankies. Cuddled the three of them on the floor, hoping that my physical need would be satiated. It was really sweet, and I needed it.

But, bedtimes passed and light grew dimmer, and I went to bed with a book my sister, Lola so lovingly bought for me recently. Not that it's a particularly SAD book, but it's poignant and relates to how I am feeling. And some of the scriptural or spiritual references to things were what I needed. But the feelings of emptiness were only magnified in that bedroom. I even contemplated moving the furniture again. Instead, I just let myself cry. And, once that ran its course, I opened my bedroom door, called out for Uncle, and he came into my room. Crying, I asked him for a hug, and we sat there, hugging for about 10 minutes-- no short of an exageration. We spoke while we hugged, and it was a touching moment for the two of us.

I'd write what was spoken, but I think I'll keep that one for myself. I will miss him. I am glad to have had him here to make the transition easier. And I am glad to face the next step more alone now that I've had a bit of time to catch my breath. But I'll miss him.

And with school starting in a few weeks, I'm worried about the transition to the new, more structured school for the kids. And we're potty-training right before I leave my kids with my parents and their new house-- I'm stressed that my kids will wreck something or pee on something or act disobediently or crabbily... I'm worried I'll be stressing my parents out since they haven't quite recovered from THIS!!

I'm worried about keeping the dayhome full enough. I'm stressed about the divorce proceedings-- this Saturday is the day of "breathe" since Chris can no longer contest the grounds for divorce. He won't anyways, but still, I'll breathe a bit easier once that day comes. Then we file new forms, and leave it in the hands of judges and legal proceedings that I have NO control over. (Oh, AND the mediation meeting)

I stress about dating and about self-image and about my weight and about and about and about. But that's something I think EVERYONE deals with in one way or another. So I'm not special in that regard.

I cried heartily last night when the scripture from D&C 121: 7-9 was in the book. " My son, ^apeace be unto thy soul; thine ^badversity and thine afflictions shall be but a ^csmall moment;

8 And then, if thou ^aendure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy ^bfoes.

9 Thy ^afriends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands."

I remember that this scripture was one that my father first found after my brother's death, and how much comfort he found in it. I don't know why, but since hearing about that story, that scripture has comforted me more too. And last night, I needed that scripture right then.

But know what I needed more this morning!? (apart from catching Mighty? ;) ) I stepped on my scale.
139 baby!!!!!!!! I SAW The line of 140, and it was on the RIGHT side of the marker! 139! I did it-- just like I said-- a day (or 7) before b@@bapalooza. And I shall leave this depressing and long-winded post on that happy note. ;)