Wishing for Daisy Halos - Take One For the Team

Imported from Livejournal:

Well, since my last blog, I think a lot of things have changed.
We decided NOT to buy that house that we so wanted. I've been told by too many important and wise people that now is the time to SAVE money and get out of debt, and so we've decided to pay off our mortgage instead. It's bittersweet, because I know that eventually things will work out better. And that's the promise of following certain council from certain people.
Merry Christmas.
I went home last week to Vancouver. It felt much like a weird time warp, only not. I don't quite know what to say to explain how everything felt so familiar and yet everything had changed. It's still very much home, but I also was glad to be around my friends here when I came back. I guess, in summary, that the surroundings had changed, but my feelings about them hadn't. I visited a few nostalgic locales, and had all the feelings that they once held come back to me-- some sweet, some sour. I saw faces that brought me so much joy, and others that made me feel insecure for reasons irrelevant now. I fell back into my role. And I liked it, but I didn't. I'm not that person anymore, and I worry that people didn't see that, and that they never will. Especially going without Chris, I think people think I'm unhappy and I'm struggling. I'm not, and I hate feeling like I always have to tell people that. It's not their business, but I worry too much about what they think, and I want them to think good things. They're true, but I still feel like I need to TELL people. And that's stupid. Because when I say how happy I really am, even *I* think it sounds shallow. And then I say more, sounding dumber and dumber, and the circle goes on.
But I love my kids still. I love my husband still. I love my life right now. And some day soon, I hope to love myself, although I'm getting closer. I think it's hard to love someone you barely know. And right now, I'm finding out a lot about myself-- and I relish that! Who wouldn't like those ah-hah moments?

Wishing for Daisy Halos - Pride Preceedeth the Fall

Daisyhalos- livejournal:

I'm so happy. Things in my life are great right now. And although I'm trying not to be, I'm just prideful.
I received some money for my birthday from Chris' parents, so I bought myself a kitten! MAN,,, I LOVE HIM!! He's playful and funny and loves to cuddle and Extremely tolerant of LL's constant annoyity! We named him Teetoe, or Tido, or Teeto or whatever-- (comments an suggestions for name spelling very much appreciated) because that's something that LL can say-- she picked the name, actually. He's just a short haired domestic tabby, but he's mine. and he's cute.
You know, the reason I'm writing this next thing is because I'd never write it in my personal journal.. A blog is where I can just write what I want. So imperfect as I am, don't judge me because of this.
Whoever said money can't buy you happiness was missing something very important. Money CAN'T buy you happiness *IF* you're not happy in your relationships. Because, I tell ya, money sure makes things a heck of a lot easier.
My relationships right now are good, so I think.
Chris' new job is paying more than 2wice what he was making before, and I got a bit of a raise so that's really helping too. His parents also gave us a gift of a sum of money that has 6 digits. So, we're moving into a house that we have been keeping our eyes on. I'm so excited. It was a gift that left me speechless, obviously, but they said they wanted us to be able to do that for our children and make them have things they may not be able to otherwise get... like this house. It's going to have a yard-- something growing more and more important to me as my kids age, it's going to have a garage-- which we'll REALLY appreciate on those cold Calgary mornings in January. It's going to have enough bedrooms for any children AND guests. It's going to have an ensuite-- all the things that we'd LOVE to have, but didn't think we were going to get for a long time.
I know, I'm spoiled. I know.
But really, it's not like we ASKED for it, they just gave it to us. We could just pay off our current mortgage, but then I'd still be in a house with no yard and no fireplace. Stupid things, but things I want.
Want.
That's such a horrid, greedy word. And one part of me feels so greedy, the other feels "I-don't-care-ish", because I know I'll be in a better area of town, I'll be SAVING money in the long run because of travel and stuff, and I'll be giving my kids things I think are important.
Am I horrible? I'm so afraid to tell anyone about this because I don't want people to look at me and say, What a rude little girl. You know?
So, there's a lot going on that's exciting, but I feel like I have to keep it a secret so that I'm not looked at differently. *so don't tell anyone*
Yah. My kitten is so darn cute!

Wishing for Daisy Halos - Precipitous

Wishing for Daisy Halos - Precipitous: "Reading poetry and LJs have gotten me thinking about things I'm not so sure about. Not in a bad way, but not entirely benevolent either. It feels as though there's something about to ascend and collapse out of me all entirely at the same moment. I don't think that precipitous pensivity exists, but would it be found in a dictionary, there would be a blank description of nothing and everything. I know, I'm making no sence.

It isn't easy being home alone. It feels placid and serene, children sleeping and only the hum of the monitor to keep me company. But I jumped pretty high when a bug landed on my leg. As I flicked it off onto the ground, even this minuscule creature righted it's upside-down exoskeleton and scurried off into some quiescent spot behind the myriad of toys and dust collecting everywhere. And then He wakes up, certain if he doesn't eat right now, he'll waste away to nothing. Or, in more realistic terms, maybe he'll lose one of his four chins. He doesn't enjoy the placid serenity like the bug searched for any more than I seem to be right now.

And so another background shows another misinterpretation of a conversation gone terribly wrong. And I know it adds another unwarranted arrow.

Somewhere in the nothingness where LL's prayers seem to dissipate, my home fills with hope on top of hope. The day slips by again, and abiding recollection is saturated with smiles and minutes unreturnable and rapturous.

Is there a fastidious equilibrium in this laconic life? plausibly."

Wishing for Daisy Halos - It's beginning to smell a lot like Christmas

Wishing for Daisy Halos - It's beginning to smell a lot like Christmas: "Unfortunately, I am NOT welcoming the 'first snow' after the summer. I think it's sick and wrong for it to be snowing today, the middle of September. What happened to my summer?
I'm actually really surprised how enjoyable my summer was-- and disappointed with how short it was. I was expecting to be fat and hot and tired and cranky-- and I was none of them. Okay, so i was 'fatter' than normal, but I felt a million times better about myself this pregnancy than I did with LL. And I don't know what it was that I said to Chris, or what happened in his head, but he was a bazillion times better with my self-esteem buttons this time too. I find it so fascinating how different this pregnancy was than the first-- from conception to one month AFTER birth-- there were no similarities other than a short, painful labour.
This snow, tho, has got me making Christmas plans in my head-- what to put in stockings, what to give, what to cook for my annual exchange party, who to invite, what to play--- stupid stuff. It's almost making me feel like I have to put up the tree and lights soon.... and it's not even Halloween!!! LL's going to be an elephant again, since I think she'll still fit the costume I bought her last year. Bear? Well, he wont fit into most of the commercial costumes anyways and I want him to be frikken adorable... I'll have to be creative and figure it out soon, tho.
And as for me-- well, I plan to be 10 pounds lighter. (Maybe that's pushing it- at least FIVE!)."

First recorded GV night

Wishing for Daisy Halos - Near death: "Okay... I'm way too tired. I just took Chris to work because I need the car for the day to take Bear to a specialist (what else is new), and so I had to wake up MUCH earlier than normal. Last night I was playing volleyball at the church with the other Moms until 11:30, after which I came home and watched the final episode of Big Brother 4 that I had tape recorded. So, needless to say, I'm sleepy. As I'm driving home from Chris' work, about 30 minutes away, I find myself waking up at the wheel realizing that I'm heading straight into oncoming traffic at about 100 km/hour....
that woke me up for a few minutes, as my heart settled back to it's normal pace.
Glad to be home."

Wishing for Daisy Halos - Some Changes Rock!

Wishing for Daisy Halos - Some Changes Rock!: "I was typing a few notes on my messenger to Marci, when it dawned on me...
I have late church tomorrow! Do you have any idea how happy I am about that? I can actually eat breakfast, sleep in a bit and have a shower ALL before I have to leave.... that's so exciting to me. I know, pretty pathetic that my excitment of tomorrow consists of having a shower. But that's my life lately. If that sounds bad, I made cookies today-- they were pretty boring. No sprinkles or chocolate chips or nuts or ANYTHING cool. Unless you consider cornflakes cool. Frankly, I think cornflakes are a lame cereal-- really, who thought that something that scrapes your throat on the way down would be a good thing first thing in the morning?! And marketed to kids!!?? Crack heads.
Actually, making cookies wasn't my highlight of today. I went to the farmer's market for the first time....
now, THAT'S fun. (just a note, however, don't bring kids along-- especially 8 of them all under 8 yrs old). I've caught a canning bug, and lately I have wanted to can practically anything. I did jam and cherries and crabapple sauce already, and having a bunch of jars set out on my food storage shelves is so exciting. So I went and bought 40 pounds of pickling cucumbers from the hudderites (spelling, anyone?) for 20 bucks--- WHICH IS CHEAP!!!! And I bought peaches to do them too... we'll see how long THOSE stay on my shelves before Chris eats them all.
I should go there again, when pumpkins are ready. They're probably cheaper there than they will be at Safeway or something. i make the rockin'-est punkin soup... man, it's great! It's kinda funny, too, because on the recipe it says that the soup is a favourite among witches--- and I AM one. (you know, to someone reading this who didn't know me, that could be very easily misconstrued!)
You know what they should have on this journal thing site?
A site where you can put "future" thoughts that you want to talk about on another day. Maybe they already have it, and I'm just too lame-o to finger it out! Cuz I keep thinking of other things to talka bout, but I dont DARE bring everyone on any more of my tangent trips--- this one blog has enough of those already."