Farewell, My friends

I have started and restarted this post a bagillion times. And I've thought about what I would say and how I'd make this work.

Over a year ago, I started this blog. I was going through an excruciating time in life, trying to figure out where Chris' and my relationship was heading. I was sad. I was drained. I was searching. I was conflicted. And I knew that, in some way or another, the year held many more changes..

I have always loved writing. I love getting my thoughts on paper, and as a mom, finding time to type was easier than sitting down with my paper journal. I didn't think many people would read this blog, as I only told family and my closest friends about the URL (blog address).

Before I knew it, I had people searching for me online. People from all over the world who would comment and follow along in my life. Somehow I brought some people hope. Somehow I brought some people laughter. And somehow I brought people insight.

But I wrote for me. I wrote my story according to what I wanted the world to know. The truth, perhaps only shared in pieces. My cathartic confessional.

I go back to my "FOCUS" for the year. MAKE THE CHANGE. Change is good. I was talking with Em today about being unhappy, and how there are so many things that we all do in life that KEEP us unhappy. Things that we can change if we just get up and do it. Things that maybe we're afraid of, but we KNOW we need to do. Things that may continue to hold us down because that's the only place we choose to be. Being held back because of our laziness. Or our fear. Or our anger towards someone else.

I am making the change. I am grabbing the sharper knife.

452 published posts later, I have now got over 150+ readers DAILY. I have some who visit daily, some who visit weekly, and even some who stalk
visit multiple times a day.

I am not a secretive person. I have no enemies of my choosing, and I have no animosity towards anyone. However, my blog is not 'mine' anymore. I have to watch what I write because of people I know who read. There are exes. There is EF. And I don't want to have to do that in my blog. The angst that this blog started with is no longer in my heart.

The blog now isn't only mine...I am not single. I have Will. We are a package now. And, I have perfect peace in life now. I have a beautiful family. And I have hope like no other! I have never known a love so amazing, and, if I could share even just a morsel with everyone, I would. Divorce is a horrible, hurtful, hard road. I have been so blessed in spite of some of my choices. I do NOT wish an affair, or a divorce on ANYONE. But, if you are one of those fateful unlucky, my empathy and heart and prayers go out to you. Keep doing what makes you YOU, and, I hope, you'll find someone who makes you HAPPY in the near future, as I have been so lucky to find myself.

I was seriously contemplating making this blog private, and just continuing the story from here. But I think that it's better to put ALL my heartache from the past behind me and to leave on a good note. Secondly, I want people to continue to stumble on this blog as some have done, and, hopefully somehow, they'll find a post that may help THEM through a divorce/separation/first-time dating.

So, friends, I am closing this blog. This is my last entry as Debbi from Daisyhalos.

I am, however, opening a new one. A blog with the pitfalls and happinesses of raising 4 bonus-children alongside my own. A blog of a second, BETTER, marriage. A blog where I don't feel like I have to hide certain information from strangers, people from my past, and the general public.

My "followers" will be allowed on the new blog with their email addresses, and family members too. So, friends who I don't have as listed followers (and I know there are quite a few), send me an email to debbirn2b@hotmail DOT com, and I'll put you as an allowed reader. *EDIT* I can't get my follower's emails, blogger's being silly. So, sorry guys, but just send me an email saying "hey" and I'll make sure to get you on the safe list.

Until I meet you on the other blog, friends, I bid Adieu.
In honour of my last Daisyhalos Six Word "Wednesday", I write:


And They Lived Happily Ever After.



***FINAL EDIT*** after a bunch of contemplation, I realized that being a private blog annoys the heck out of me. Besides, I'm really not that interesting! ;) So, the new blog can be found at www.ninepeasinthepod.blogspot.com See you there! :)

Doesn't everyone get a blender when they get married?!

It's tricky being a blended family.

It's tricky enough getting married when you're older, because you are already SET in routines and desires and traditions. But, add in some children, a few exes, their families and you have the makings of a new soup for everyone!

Recently, Will and I discussed Christmas traditions. Turns out that MOST of our traditions can be done on BOTH sides. But there's a few 'conflicting' ones, where we'll have to pick to give ours up, keep it, or just make a whole NEW one. For Will and I, traditions can be changed. But when we add children, it's a bit tougher. What's most important to them, and what can change? Santa Claus does different things at different households.. so, what does he do HERE?

We are also figuring out weekends. When does Will's ex have the older kids, when do we? Seeing as how Em lives with us but the others don't, there's more travelling now. Having one ex requires work for scheduling and holidays, but we also have MY ex, Chris. So double the work. When does he have the younger ones? And, if he moves, what happens then? And the travelling ... oh the travelling.

Will's kids eat differently than mine do. Not a LOT differently, but snacks and grazing foods for sure. So, grocery shopping changes. Menu planning revolves slightly around which children are home and when. Dislikes and favourites and habits.

What rules did I have in my home that Will doesn't share?
Given, a lot of these things you find out through dating-- and a lot of them, we did! But, because we didn't LIVE together beforehand, there are some things that you can't know until then.

It's tricky, too, as Will's kids are older than mine so rules are different for some than others. Thankfully Grace and LL are only a year apart, so it bridges the "olders" from the "youngers" much better.

Decorating a home. Planning family vacations. Routines for homework. Songs at family prayer-- there are many things we're learning from each other, and many more to come, I know it.

I look forward to each morning that Will and I grow our OWN family tree. Our OWN fruits, our own traditions.

Although we're two separate families becoming one,.. we are definitely nine great peas in this pod!

(We shelled peas for Gramma, and Will found this one! How appropriate, hey?)

Not Me Monday- Married Mayhem

So, I sent Will to work this morning. It was NOT super cute when, after he made the bed, he whined in a little-boy voice about how he'd NOT like to just stay in bed with me all day. I do NOT agree. This honeymoon may look over, but we're definitely not admitting that to ourselves yet!

But, although having him home with me last week was NOT fantastic, I did NOT get WAYYYYYY behind in my housework! Not like I was distracted or anything! ;) I seriously do NOT have a ROOM FULL of laundry to fold today as EVERYTHING in my house was washed last week, twice. I do NOT have a bunch of stuff to put away, and I do NOT have a million thank-yous I want to get written!

I also have NOT failed to mention, in the course of a NOT busy week last week, that my house in Calgary is NOT finally sold as of Tuesday last! DONE! I can not tell you how happy I am NOT! It is NOT a great thing to know that I can finally move my furniture into this house, and NOT make it finally feel like a home. Will and I had NOT wanted to get some renovations done first, but timing is just not there, and being married is busy! ;) VL
The new family does NOT take possession on the first of October, so really, this month is going to be just as busy as last month! Will does NOT have to finish that hotel we worked on together, and a bunch of other smaller jobs, I do NOT have to go back to Calgary to get my van once it's finished, and I do NOT have to start working to make a few ends meet too. I will NOT likely start working for my mother-in-law, which is NOT a nice idea, seeing as how Mimi can NOT come to work with me.

Chris got a job, he told me last night. BUT, it's a job that's not stable for hours or scheduling, so I may have the kids a lot more. On top of that, he may NOT be moving another hour and a half away in the OPPOSITE direction of Calgary because of this, so his weekends will NOT entail a lot of driving. Alas, life goes on, and Chris, Will and I will figure it all out.

If you are NOT sick of wedding pictures, too bad! I do NOT plan on reliving the best day of my life over and over again on this blog! ;)

Time for Some Confusion

While I wait for some unhallowed hour to come when my three monkeys will walk through the door, or more likely, be carried I have a moment or twelve to blog. FINALLY. Chris decided at the last minute to bring them home from BC a day early - leaving me scrambling to return the 2 hours back to Calgary in order to be here when they arrive. And, might I mention, he left at about 9 pm. And it's over 6 hours of driving. So, I may be up for a while yet.

I can't REALLY complain, though. I mean, Chris took the kids for the ENTIRE past week, so I could get the "old house" moved into the "new house". Don't let those confuse you-- it may be "NOT ME MONDAY", but when I say "old house", I mean the one I am moving out of-- NOT the "new house" I'm moving into. In reality, the "old house" is much newer than the "new house", seeing as "new house" was built about 30 years BEFORE "old house" was. Confused yet? :)

I have about one vanload left of "stuff" in this 'old house' to bring back to the new house. And then, old house is just a decorated shell. As I said before, I have one house that LOOKS functional... but ISN'T, and one house that DOESN'T look functional, but IS. Old house is just for show now. And hopefully, that show gets it a sale, too! Because I'd really like NOT to have two mortgages.

OOOOh...a few 'before' shots of our new house. For your laughing viewing pleasure. And yes-- we're FULLY aware that the kitchen is carpeted, the carpets in the house are wool and blue, OR shag, and yes, the curtains are to die for (or because of!). But in a few days, it'll be home sweet home. It's got GREAT square footage, and HUGE yard, and will fit our family. And I'm marrying a handy, clever, hard-working dude, so just you wait for the after pictures. Besides, it's not the furniture or the carpets that make a house a home...

Wedding plans are going great. I'm super super lucky to have some GREAT friends with amazing talents, and they're all CONVENIENTLY joining forces into one company. If you wanna see some of their work, check out their individual blogs or sites, (Vanessa= photography, Carla=catering, Keshia=graphic design, and Bree=Event planner) or, best yet, check out the company's blog, Mod Squad.

I'm also thrilled that so many others are helping-- sewing/altering dresses, decorations, music, cakes. Everything is coming together nicely, and we don't have much else to get ready. I can't wait to post pics for you guys.

And Will and I? buying a home and changing jobs and joining two families and renovations and merging bank accounts--- BIG changes. There's bound to be some speed bumps along the way of our first year of marriage. Lucky for us, being married before kinda helps us go into a new marriage with the understanding that those things lie before us. Unlike the first, VERY naive times we got married. This time, there's just a little less wool over our eyes. (let's not make another reference to the blue carpets already! ;) )

5/52, SWS-Weddings, NMM-Lessons, TT-Advice?

I am in a funk.
Not a muse-funk-- in fact, I have TOO much to say! I have so many things going on right now, and I could take days and days just talking about each one.

Truth is, I don't have TIME to do that.
So, it's a funk as far as getting posts posted. I should join the P.O.S's. The Prisoners of Summer Bloggers. As in, since summer hit, I can't blog as much. Parole is in a month or two once school starts, the wedding's done, and I've moved.
I'm gonna do my best for the next while- but there's SO much going on, and I'm in the middle of so many time-consuming things, that blogging will continue to be sporatic and possibly mundane. Fair warning.

So, first things first. Let's play "KETCHUP".

Friday: Find Mom Friday! This was me at my good friends' wedding in Nelson, BC this past weekend. Well, not at the actual WEDDING. Who would wear a tube-top to that!? No, it was an outside wedding on the beach, and between the ceremony and reception, there were 4 hours to kill. So my (ex) mother-in-law and I took the kids swimming at the beach. It helped that it was a killing 37' outside that day! HOT HOT HOT!!

Saturday: Six Word Saturday. My six words for that day are, Wedding Vows Mean Something More Now. Watching Uncle Andrew and Joe join their two families the way that Will and I will be doing in a few weeks touched my heartstrings, and I had tears fall easily as I saw how much they had gone through to get to this precious moment in their lives. Chris was the best man, and looking up there at the couple and him standing beside them, while vows of fidelity and "forever love" and devotion were spoken, it was hard not to feel a bit of that heartache from years past. Remembering when he said those same things to me, promised. My heart said a prayer that they would ALWAYS love each other this way so they wouldn't have to end up like Chris and I did- hurt. I was reminded last night that I'm truly being blessed to have this new life in front of me with such a special man in Will.

Monday: Not Me Monday. I did NOT miss my man this weekend. I did NOT drive over 12 hours in a 24 hour time period. I did NOT learn a bunch of lessons this weekend, mostly from my children. I will NOT be blogging about those in the near future.

Tuesday: Tuesday Tunes. Of course, lately I'm listening to a lot of love or wedding songs. But my kids crack me up- while we drove home the other day, it was thunderstormin' somethin' fierce! The kids requested "Fire Burnin'" on the iPod. They loved watching the lightening crack to the beat, and we probably listened to that song on repeat about 6 times before *I* said I couldn't handle it another time! lol

And, Wednesday: Wednesday Ws:
Who: Me
What: hates playing "Ketchup"
Where: in my blog, in my journal, in my housekeeping, and in my LIFE!
When: when I forget to take the time to keep up
Why: because it always makes me feel unorganized when I don't have my thoughts written or typed down. It's just how I cope.

Happily Ever After

The dress is bought! But that WASN'T the best part of the night.

No, NOT the dress.

I went to my final fitting. Again, not the best part.

You see, earlier in the afternoon, I was busy online, when I found a website that featured my X-weighted show. So, for the first time in, like, a YEAR, I watched the very beginning of the show, and the very end. Again, I HATED watching it, as I know what was happening behind the scenes and I hate how naive I look now. But, I like watching the physical change.

My 'before' photo I sent in with my application. Click for full fatness overload!

The other day, a publicist from the show asked me if I'd be willing to do a follow-up interview for the website they're launching in the fall with 'where are they now' information.

Of course, the first thing she asked, is did you keep the weight off? Are you still living a healthy lifestyle?

At the beginning of the show my measurements were 41.5 bust, 40 waist, 48 hips. At the end of the show, they were 35.5 bust, 32 waist, 41 hips.

It's been two years since filming began, and about a year and a half since it ended.


And last night, they took my measurements for the dress.

Last night? My measurements were 38 bust*, 32 waist, 38 hips.
The best part of the night- I knew I wasn't falling into my OLD life again. I was happy that I was a "permanently" changed person. I was happy that, when she asked me where I was now, I could report that I was divorced from Chris and engaged to be married to a wonderful, LDS man, my visions of a large family would come true, Will loves me no matter WHAT the scale says, and I was happy and healthy. It's happily ever after, and it hasn't even officially started yet.


*bust is obviously not the same- but that's understandably easily explained.

I Need A Nap

I am exhausted.

I'm tired from cleaning. Tired from having my sleep schedule off-kilter. Tired of no routine-- I thrive best on stability and routine and consistency. I'm tired of hoping for a showing to produce something good. Tired of reminding myself not to hope. Tired of having that last 10-minute freak-out of trying to clean while the kids are making an equal amount of work in another area of the house. Tired of being STUCK at home because of car seats.

I'm tired of weeds in the garden. (okay, not really a valid complaint, but while I'm on a roll)

I'm tired of answering the same question with more questions-- "where are you moving to"? I don't know. "When?" I don't know. "Do you have a house already?" I don't know.. (okay, NO, not really, but kinda sorta..hard to explain) "What are you going to do when you move for work, another dayhome?" I don't know.

Tired of Exes. Tired of shaking my head at exes who read the blog EVERY DAY. Tired of money-talks with Chris. Tired from our mediation this morning where I just want to spout obscenities at him and become one of those types of exes, but instead I wear myself out just biting my tongue. Tired of feeling like I have to fix every problem that HE inflicts on my life. Tired of being told that things aren't fair. Tired of not knowing what the next months and years hold in regards to Chris. Tired of hearing about him going back to school. About his lack of employment. About his stress levels....
join the club, bucko.

I'm tired of kids. Some kids are here for almost 12 hours. Some are a LOT of work. Most are good, but the dynamics of 11 kids is tiring. I'm tired of my OWN kids. I am ready for a weekend off (after two weekends WITH the kids to even out the month later). I'm tired of stopping arguments and listening to whining. I'm tired of their disrespect and back-talking recently. I'm tired of being 100% solely responsible for their spirituality. It's exhausting, albeit awesome, to think about activities and scripture stories and such EACH WEEK for FHE and each NIGHT, even when Sin and her family help. In truth, I'm tired of not seeing my friends much lately, either.

I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster on dating after divorce. The fears. The insecurities. The excitement. I'm tired of a long-distance relationship with Will. I'm tired of being without him.

I'm ready for a nap. I can't wait for things, which seem all up in the air right now, to finally come together in the next little while.

And, there's a LOT of good things in my life right now. LOTS. So, this is just a post to say...
I'm tired.

Looking Back

So, I'm part of a group called 20 Something Bloggers, and they have a contest on right now. You can read all about it here. It explains it all there, but in short, this post is a part of 20SB’s Looking Back Blog Carnival, and Ben & Jerry’s is awarding free ice cream to lucky bloggers and readers! And come on, guys, it's ICE CREAM!! I'm a sucker for something yummy! (VL)

In order to participate, I just pick a post from my first 2 months in blog-land that shows where I was mentally and, like, deep inside my head. So, here it is.... It's funny how much has changed since then. How much we know now.

Let's go back to May 24th, 2008. (since I technically started blogging in April 2008)

****

"My Last Secret"

My kids know now, so the 'cat's out of the bag,' so to speak. Now, it's time to let you know what's been going on in my life to the extent of what my children know.

Tonight, we told my three kids that Chris will be leaving June 1st. He's going to go live somewhere else for at least the month of June, possibly returning in July, possibly not returning at all. This decision has been in the works for about 4 months now. It's hard to fully explain everything to everyone, as some details are more meant for family and some are just meant for Chris and I. But some things need to be said.

Chris and I love each other. If you saw the X-Weighted TV show, you'll see that there are issues with Chris' desire to be married. It's not about being married to me specifically, but about being part of a family. And we both know that no marriage will survive if both parties aren't FULLY committed to working on it. We have done so much growth in these past 4 months, more than can be shared. We have learned how to communicate in a whole other language. We have learned what we each NEED versus WANT in a marriage, and neither of us believe that the other should have to lose their needs just to stay married.

Because I love him so deeply like I do, I know this is essential to his growth. There's no other option. And our marriage counsellors and clergy are behind us, working with us and guiding us in proper directions. We aren't fighting or angry. We are doing this for the betterment of our marriage, the betterment of ourselves and in time, the betterment of our children. They deserve to be part of a family where love, respect and commitment are strong and obvious. If I can't find that in this marriage, with God's plan, I hope to find it elsewhere. They deserve that. As do I.

Ask questions. It's okay to be confused and sad and even angry... It's the same thing we told our children. The next few days are going to be tough-- prayers tonight invoked tears from both LL and Bear for their father's choice. They asked me lots of questions, and I believe LL cried herself to sleep. Bear is still awake, and asked me to sleep in bed with him. Obviously, they're going to be dealing with the aftermath of their father's choices for a long time. I just hope that the positive in the long run outweighs the negative we feel now.


***
Wow. Back then, I hadn't yet spoke of Chris' affair. No one knew who EF was.
I hadn't yet spoke of why he wasn't returning.
I hadn't met anyone that I thought I could love more, or who could love me.


I am so glad I'm not there anymore.

Sucky

yep yep.

Yesterday rocked. And by rocked, I mean sucked rocks. And by sucked rocks, I mean, please let me just sleep a looong looong time and make it all disappear. I contemplated taking a sleeping pill last night left over from when I heard about Chris and EF, but I ran out of those... I fell asleep before I was able to get it swallowed .. I'm too smart for that.

It was nice having a 4 minute visit with my parents and my future SIL, Nellie. Mamma bringed me some lilacs from her house, which was AWESOME... although, my Ikebana skills were NOT up to par. And by not up to par, I mean ROYAL SUCKAGE. Are we finding a trend here?! To think I spent a year in Japan taking Flower Arranging courses. You wouldn't know it after such a slaughtered bunch of flowers appeared on my kitchen table. Hey. Just be blind. Then you'll smell the gloriousness of them without having to view the massacre. Deal with it.

Yep. Then the day realllllly began. The dayhome child was cranky. And by cranky, I mean her Dad was home with a severe flu and it's likely she's coming down with it too. Oh, and she hasn't pooped for 3 days. Constipated children are a joy! I absolutely LOVE whining at a monotone. ALL. FREAKING. DAY. Moreso, I'm excited for today's reaction to the prunes, raisins, juice and fibre her mother and I are forcing down her throat. That's gonna make it a GREAT day.

But bestest of all.
I got to talk with a few Realtors. I got to talk with a bank Account Manager. I got to talk with Chris about the equity in the home.

Here's my dilemma.
One, Chris has a chunk of money of equity in this home. The number is based on what the house COULD have sold at when he moved out last year.. Uh, we've all seen the great and wonderful housing market lately, have we not? And by great and wonderful, I mean TOTALLY sucky. And by housing market, I mean, not even cardboard boxes are selling!
With this, and him not having a job, he has NO money. Which means he has to move in with his parents. 6 hours+ away. Which means my kids won't see their Dad more than once every few months. Which goes against what he and I wanted for our kids. All that 'make them feel secure with this'... down the drain.

So, I have to give him his equity in order to have him stay around. And by giving him his equity-- yah, suckity suck suck, I have to sell my house.
Besides, he isn't paying child support anymore, so I can't afford to KEEP my house. But once he gets his equity, he pays child support again, and I can pay my mortgage. Only-- yah. Are you following--- I had to sell in order for him to pay me for that mortgage. Catch 22 on that one or WHAT?!

Sooooo, instead, *I* move. I sell my home that I love. From the area I love. From the ward, and the community, and the school, and the security that I love. I move 2 hours away (where there is CHEAP houses. And by cheap, I mean that in ALL ways...) to keep the kids nearer to their father than the 6 hours it may be otherwise.

THANKFULLY, we're looking for the shotgun silver lining around here. Chris could get a job today. I could win the lottery I didn't buy a ticket for. And unicorns could fly out my butt.

• I will be closer to family. My sister is VERY excited about being 'neighbours' again. We used to live 5 minutes away from each other, and our kids loved that. We did too-- constant sitters, shopping buddies, instant "I'm out of blank, do you have" availabilities... really, what else could you need than a sister who lives close to you!? I'll be closer to my parents too.
• I always wanted my kids to live near a temple. Although Calgary is getting a temple in the future, it will be far away from us now, and it will not be seen on a daily basis.
  
• I will be free and clear of owing Chris money. We will be "done" even more. At that point, there is no more connection than the kids.
• I will OWN my own house. Houses down south are cheap in price, and most of them need some serious demolishing fixing up. But I'm dating a handy guy. And I'm not ALL snobby. I GUESS I can settle for laminate counter tops again, although *shudder* I will REALLLLLLLY miss my granite and my $15 Mocha Latte chapstick. And how is Fifi going to get her pup-icure every afternoon while I take my tennis lesson at the club?
• This is all part of my yearly "motto" to "Make The Change". Security is soo overrated.
  
• Wind isn't that bad, right? It's horrific FUN to have snow up to your armpits in May. And who doesn't love living in a town where everyone knows your business before even YOU do, everyone is related to a Beazer or a Leavitt, and no one knows their actual address.."I bought the Clarke's gramma's brother's cousin-in-law's house." "When you get to the store on the corner, go up a block (or TWENTY!) and I'm that house with the rusty...delapitated..green truck and the flowers in the front." And you guys think I'm joking. I'M SO NOT!
  
• I will be closer to Will. You know. As a side bonus! ;) In case. You know. He needs nookie sugar. *he he he From a gramma! :(
  

Not Me Monday- Waterton

Alright peeps, it's Monday again. Time for Not Me Monday. hosted by someone, but I can't remember who started it seeing as so many other bloggers do it and we're all clearly sheep! :) So yay to whomever started Not Me Monday.

This weekend was NOT beautiful-- I love summerish weather.

Friday we did NOT celebrate LL's 8th birthday here at the house. 8th birthdays are big in the LDS faith-- it's the age when the child can decide to get baptised or not. She won't be getting baptised until later in the summer, and we'll have a bigger 'party' with family and friends at that point. But for now, we did the whole pizza/cake thing at the house. I did NOT invite Chris's girlfriend, Kay, to join us, and we met for the first time. It was NOT a nice visit, and she is NOT a lovely girl. I am NOT happy to have met her and her two children.

After saying goodbye to my monkeys, I did NOT drive down to Lethbridge where I did NOT hang with my brother and parents for the night. I did NOT need that. I miss Uncle Kannie, so I made him sing with me while I played the piano. Him and his girlface sang along- my piano skills are SLOWLY improving, so I enjoy playing for him to get more practice. It may also help that my mother has a baby grand, and who wouldn't want to play on it!? Visiting with my parents and having their undivided attention is rare in a family of 9 kids, so I was grateful for the LATE hours they spent with me, in spite of their need for sleep. (old people. Sheesh! ;) )

I then did NOT sleep in the basement, where it's like a cocoon... dark, and SILENT. I did NOT freak out when I woke up the next morning at 11!!!!!! I was supposed to be out helping Will paint the Prince of Wales Hotel an hour away... and I hadn't eaten or dressed, and wasn't even showered yet! OUCH. As I'm contemplating my time to get there vs. the shower, I skip breakfast all together, dress, and rush out the door. The good thing is that Will and I are NOT being good and keeping our physical relationship down to holding hands or kissing like 'gramma', so me not showering is a good reason for him to have to stay a safe distance away from me! lol But I tell ya, if he called me gramma one more time... somebody gonna get a hurt real bad! I swear, I was getting a saggy-boob complex!

I did not rush to Waterton, where...*hangs head in shame* I did NOT get a speeding ticket. I SOOOOOOO can not afford a ticket right now, so I was totally unimpressed! And the cop was hot, and yet, I still couldn't get out of that one! Saggy boob complex exponentially increased! (haha, kidding. mostly)

After arriving in Waterton, I did NOT enjoy painting with Will. He is NOT talented at what he does, and didn't even get angry with me when I messed up his paint job like, a bagillion times. You know he loves me when I can mess up so brutally! It was fun on the lift, way up high. But man, it was windy!

A few hours later, we went back to town, showered the paint out of my eyes and the stink off the rest of me, changed, dropped in at a wedding reception, and then headed out to Lethbridge again for some Japanese dinner. I do NOT enjoy doing that as it totally brings me back to my days in Japan. Then we did NOT have a visit with my parents again, and I did NOT receive advice, support, and a blessing from my father. My parents do NOT give good advice, and it was NOT wonderful.

Sunday was church. I don't know how, but I TOTALLY did NOT gimp-up my knee one night last week, and walking in heels SUCKED! And, lemme just add, that walking in flats is not an option--- I LOVE heels. And these ones are way cute, so NO, I would *not* be wearing anything else. It's painful being this beautiful, but I guess I'll suffer! ;P

Sunday afternoon after a yummy fish dinner, we did NOT go with Will's parents (and niece) to Waterton again for a picnic and some pictures.

Seeing Will was NOT exactly what I needed to get out of my funk from last week. It fills my 'love tank', and I always hate driving away. And, he'll be busy painting again for the next weekend or five, and I'm poor.. so who knows when we'll see each other again. Long distance does NOT suck.

six word saturday- Anniversary

One Year (Tomorrow) I've Lived Alone.

(for more Six Word Saturday, visit the link of Cate's on my sidebar)


I love looking back on this past year of living on my own since Chris left. SOOO many lessons and changes, feelings, experiences and friendships along the way. Just reading past entries from that time in my life, and I can't help but shake my head at where I was and where I've come to since then. It was a HUGE change in my life, and I'm SO grateful for it in so many ways. It was tough, but I wouldn't want it any other way. I've been so blessed. I can't wait for more milestones and moments in this coming year.

Six Word Saturday- a few to chew on

• Running for Cancer. Hoping for Cures. Other than spending time with family whom I seldom get to visit with, I get to also see one of my bestest girls. And I get to run for cancer whilst remembering family members who are missed. Yay for me, I have a new iPod, so I'll have my tunes too!
  
  
• Masticating on elephants, morsel by morsel. I'm not letting my 'peace' go. I know how to get what I need and want, and I know that, when I need to, I'll know what path to follow.
  
  
• Missing my profusely attractive, hand-holding inamorato. First weekend in a while I don't get to see Will. :( that sucks. Just in case you wanted to know what I think about that. ;)
  
  
• House is a mess. Don't care. Besides, maybe, if I have to sell it and move into a cardboard box because of Chris' no-job sichee-ayshun, I could sell the house with grimy hand prints 'custom artwork' and moldy diapers 'one-of-a-kind aromatherapy'. Or burn it. Yah. That'll be better for EVERYONE involved!
  
  

The Windows Of Heaven

Good ol' Fraulein Maria quoted it most famously:
Where God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.

Right now, I'm putting my faith in that window.

Chris called me yesterday morning, and asked how I was doing. "Fine, how are you?" "Well, I could be better....I just got laid off."



Needless to say, if Chris doesn't make money, he doesn't pay child support. And the dayhome doesn't bring in enough revenue right now to cover my bills. SO. He arrived first thing yesterday morning and spent the day on the computer working on resumes and searching job listings. He even had a business-meeting for a few hours, too. He'll be back this morning. (He doesn't own a personal computer)

I am SO grateful that he isn't sitting on his butt, moping.

It's just part of the economy right now. I'm not alone in this venture, LOTS of people are losing jobs. But, oddly enough, I'm not that stressed. Even odder, Chris said he's not that stressed either. I guess we're just given a new type of peace amidst this, and again, I'm grateful.

I know it is prepping me for a new path-- something is gonna happen because of this, and even if it's a hard path, I know it leads somewhere better. Odd, because I can't think of WHAT it leads to, or even WHY I feel that way. It's just another feeling of 'peace' that came from out of nowhere. I'll take it, though.

Ex-tra Tough.

Chris's Ex:

• sometimes has a hard time defining for herself what her role is in his new life. Friend? Confidante? Sounding board? This is only efficient when the issue of conversation doesn't revolve around how much he hates having an ex. Or being divorced. Because, when that type of stuff emerges from his mouth, oddly enough, his Ex doesn't really want to hear it. And seldom cares.
• Doesn't miss him. Doesn't want him back. Worries that maybe she should have shed a tear or two this weekend when she knew her divorce was 100% finished, but honestly doesn't feel even the slightest bit remorseful or lugubrious.
  
• Is thankful for that.
  
• has a few scars still needing to heal from completely, mostly centred around trust and fidelity and body-image. A bit of 'baggage' she's still sorting through and getting ready to 'check' at the nearest baggage-claim. However, she's doing a pretty good job, if she says so herself. And is thankful for a boyfriend who understands.
• found it interesting that Chris felt threatened by her new boyfriend's interactions with their daughter. Not because he's worried about Will or who he is, but because he's worried that his bond with LL will be severed if LL's bond with Will increases. He feels like he's losing his 'job' as Dad. His Ex tried to remind him that the goal is (and always has been) to remember that they're not 'breaking up LL's family', they're just adding more people to it. That more people who love her is only a good thing for everyone. Chris knows this, but his insecurities got the better of him.
• found it more interesting that his next comment centred around her possibly moving away. And that she would never understand how that thought could and currently DOES hurt him. She reminded him that she DOES try to understand, (with her boyfriend's help,) and she's working on easing that pain in him with further sympathies. And had to state the obvious-- that he knew she wouldn't stay in this house forever. And would/could move away for school.
  
• then had to tell Chris that he's confiding in the wrong person. And felt mean for saying it, but reminded him that that's the nature of the divorce. Sometimes it sucks. And he was lucky he and she had such a great relationship, because he knows darn well that his Ex could be a bag about everything and he'd see his kids MUCH less than he does. But asked him to talk to his current girlfriend about such insecurities, because his Ex really can't help him fix his issues in any way. And, in this instance, doesn't really want to.
• is a lot mad that he lost her garage door opener somewhere on the road when he came to the house this weekend (while she was with her boyfriend) to pick up his motorcycle. He put the garage door opener in his backpack, and lost it. His Ex feels a bit insecure in her own home now-- and knows it's not likely that her safety is at risk, but still doesn't appreciate the feeling that it COULD be. When she complained to him about that feeling (in her slightly angry tone) he told her to call a repair guy and get quotes and find out how much it will cost to change the code and get another opener and set up the appointment and he'll pay the bill. She is more annoyed that she has to do the 'hard' work with all the phoning. :(

Will's Girlfriend:

• is learning that dating someone with an Ex is tough. It's not like before, when her previous boyfriends had Exes that didn't 'stick around' once they started dating. No, these post-marital Exes have a need (and a right) to be around all. the. time. Being an Ex herself, she also remembers that there are children involved who need stability and both parents. She only has a hard time with TWO Exes. Sometimes she has moments of anger or bitterness, moreso with regards to the Exes of Will's than her OWN Ex who hurt her so badly! Dating someone with prominent Exes isn't easy. Even though she encourages him to embrace his feelings for them, still sometimes feels like she's trying to fill shoes she can't quite officiate.
• doesn't like feeling inadequate.
• was probably asked 10 times in the past week if she would or was planning to move to his hometown. And had a realtor try to 'sell her' a home when she was there this weekend. She did entertain the thought, seeing as how much she hates not being near Will. Isn't opposed to the idea, and in fact believes that someday she WILL end up further south, but she knows the timing isn't right just yet. And yesterday she looked at houses on MLS in his area... but she's not so sure that small-town living is what she wants. Beside that, she's DEFINITELY not sure that small-MORMON-town living is what she can HANDLE! Trust her, there's a whole other subculture in that town with it's own set of 'rules' and expectations. It's a bit nuts!
• kinda hopes that Will will move to HER city someday, but also DOESN'T want that because he's got a good job and clientele where he is currently living and would feel kinda bad for making him uproot all his security there just to be near her. And would worry that, if he were around more, he'd see more of her pathetic life and run in the opposite direction as fast as his hot legs could take him! ;)
• (speaking of running) LOVE LOVE LOVED going for a 5 mile run with him the other day in and around his town. Loved that he didn't get annoyed with her being so slow. Loved the thought of doing that each night together if they lived in the same area.
• Did NOT love when he ran behind her just so he could watch her butt. Ew.
  
• DID love that he loved watching her butt.

(You know he truly loves her butt when he thinks THIS would make a good picture! lol)

• Totally loved when he couldn't catch up to her at the end 'sprint' around the temple.
  
• Is thankful for her mother's Cross Country training! ;)
• Still thinks he's pretty awesome.

Six Word Saturday, and, By The Way, Time Flies When You Really Could Care Less About What Day It Is!

Six Word Saturday:

I Trip Up Stairs Too Often!


And, for those paying close attention:

The Court renders a Judgement of Divorce between (Chris and I)...to be effective on the 31st day after the day that this Judgement is rendered, unless this Judgement is appealed before that 31st day.

The spouses are not free to remarry until this Judgement takes effect, at which time either spouse may obtain a certificate of divorce from this court.

THAT, my friends, would be today. It is officially over.

Word Verification Wednesday, and I'm NOT Blogging About Recent Drama!

It's Wednesday today. I have nothing noteworthy to blog about. I considered blogging about my weekend 'drama' with Chris and "Kay" (his girlfriend) and how Chris wanted to stay in my house while I was out of town this past weekend so that he didn't have to deal with his roommate who is anal retentive and doesn't really like kids and when I asked him if Kay and her kids would be here too, he said yes and I was a bit uncomfortable about that but reluctantly agreed but when they got to the house I was still here because I hadn't left yet and Kay didn't come in to meet me when she had the chance and so I felt disrespected because who in their right mind asks to stay in someone's home that they aren't willing to meet the hostess first and seriously, I'm supposed to meet her before the kids did, but so much for that theory and what the heck happened to Chris and my agreements regarding all of that and yes I know things with Will didn't exactly go as planned either but that's not a reason to make two wrongs into an attempt at a right and how when I told Chris I was annoyed by the fact that she didn't want to come in to meet me and that she was no longer invited to stay here because I can't handle the immaturity and he stormed away from me without acknowledging he heard me or defending himself or her or ANYTHING and seriously if she was worried about it being awkward then she's got another thing coming for her when she DOES decide to meet me because if you ask me it's already awkwardER now and then I find out that he never even ASKED her if she wanted to meet me but simply assumed it was what she'd say but turns out she ended up asking him about it later too which makes me wonder if in reality HE didn't want us to meet which only bugs me further and when I called him on that he apologized and things are all better now and worked out with all parties involved so, NO, I won't be blogging about that afterall! ;)

Instead, I'll remind you all that it's Wednesday and time to play along with Jillybean at Thou Shalt Not Whine. Define your word verification, and have a GREAT Chocolate Wednesday!

This week has been busy. And by busy, I mean spent cuddling on the couch 24/7.

How is it today already!? And by today, I mean Thursday.

Will has been 'stuck' in town (oh, gosh darn, hey?! ;) ) due to weather at his home, and I've been sadly showing him my psychotic life... armpit cellulite ... routine of the day while he's been hanging around. And by hanging around, I mean being TOTALLY awesome. And by totally awesome, I mean, HELPING!

Yah, he's a handy boy, that Will. And who doesn't love a hot dude in a tool belt!? He tells me I have to put him to work, so he doesn't get too bored. BORED!!!?? Cuz playing "what's the baby gonna put in her mouth next" games are so NOT boring!

Okay, fair enough--
So he has fixed the broken ottoman. Good thing I owned wood glue! Whoda thunk!?

He has fixed my piano! Not that it sounds any better when I butcher play music on it, so I think I'm gonna be asking for my money back on THAT one! ;) Fixed shcmixed!

He has fixed my rear passenger door on my van. Which, if he did nothing else for me in my entire life, I'd be happy just with that! I have hated having that door broken for SO long, and Mr. Fix It got it to work in just an hour... WHILE babysitting for free entertaining a dayhome kid who is fascinated by tools and cars and all that 'boy' stuff.

He has also built shelves for me in the basement for my food storage that Chris told me he'd build MONTHS ago! Look how pretty!!! During naptime, the two of us set to work on this Shelf-Reliance can holder. We decided that all dating couples should have to put one of these together before getting married! ;) Lucky for us, we got it together without losing an eye getting TOO badly hurt in the process. And by getting hurt, I mean Will scratched his back on the waterheater by accident. I did NOT push him into it have anything to do with that one!

So, now I've got a cleaned food storage area, and I realize how little food I actually HAVE down there in case we all die of swine flu ... I use all my grocery money on Redbulls ... of emergency.


Suffice it to say, dating a handy-dude is kinda fun for me! ;)

I'm actually finding it hard to accept the help. It's just the type of person I am. I mean, really, I've been doing this type of stuff on my own since Chris left the house. But, in all honesty, Chris wasn't that handy, so I've been doing it on my own since we've been married. And by doing it on my own, I mean doing it POORLY just to get by. Like the "shelves" in the garage Will made fun of me for. :( And by shelves, I mean a 1x8 put on a few brackets to hold junk.

I come from a family of women who DO. They are handier than most of their spouses, generations passed down through generations of handy-women who marry incontinents... incompetents non-handy-men.

But apparently I make a good dinner, so at least I've got something to offer back! And by good dinner, I mean I open a can of spagettiOs like no one's business.

Nope, Not Me Monday!

Today I did NOT wake up tooooo tired from the great last few days. I will NOT catch you up on my absence:

I did NOT enjoy picking up Will from the Airport on Wednesday night, and did NOT love watching his kids' joy in greeting their father. I did NOT love watching his reciprocated happiness and my heart did NOT take a picture in that moment. And I did NOT wish the same thing that he did when he threw a coin in the fountain at the terminal. When I did NOT ask him what he wished, he said I knew already...Some things you just know.

I did NOT then have a busy-ish week, and did NOT LOVE sitting down at the dinner table, all seven kids around us. I did NOT love having a priesthood holder in the home to 'preside' over dinner and delegate prayers, etc. I was NOT raised in a home like that, and Will was NOT either, so it was nice for me to somewhat return to my roots and enjoy a home being run the way I want it to be, entirely.

I did NOT feed 18 people pizza on Friday, stressed with trying to get LL out the door to a Brownie Camp. I did NOT get totally frustrated at the fact that I couldn't find any of her required things on the list, and did NOT nearly have a meltdown in front of all those people! It was close. But no tears. Thankfully.

Chris took the kids to his place, and I did NOT then enjoy a movie with Will and his kids. I did NOT enjoy sleeping in the next morning, as Will's kids were NOT SILENT! (mine are usually pretty good, but I still usually have to wake up to make sure they're not flooding the kitchen or something) Will and I then did NOT take them to the wave pool again. I did NOT think Will's super sexy enjoy myself and did NOT totally tire myself out!

On unrelated notes, I did NOT talk with Will's ex on the phone for the first time, and no, I did NOT freak her out talk very nicely with her.

I did NOT drive with Will's daughter back to L-town *(2 hours away) to drop them off at their mother's, and she and I did NOT have a great heart-to-heart. "Girl talk". It was NOT fun dancing like a goof in the car with her.

I did NOT forget to pull out my camera the ENTIRE week! I will NOT be begging Will for a few pics from his personal camera I can post for ya'll here, perhaps. They will NOT be rated G! ;).

I did NOT wish this week didn't have to end... I did NOT enjoy every moment with Will, and do NOT find myself falling for him more and more each minute. I do NOT think he's great. I do NOT find it funny, however, that my brother and his girlfriend announced their engagement recently, only to have my OTHER sister and her boyfriend announce theirs. They are NOT getting married a week apart (to make things easier for travelling family members) and I have NOT have NUMEROUS people ask if I'm going to complete the trilogy by announcing my OWN engagement. Uh, I will NOT let you know.

I did NOT get a little miffed with Chris about HIS girlfriend staying over at his house while our kids were there. I am NOT a bit perturbed about the fact that he got on my case over the kids meeting Will a few months into dating, but now he's only known HIS girlfriend for a few WEEKS! I did NOT think that was a bit annoying.

And I am NOT totally tired. And will likely NOT go to bed early.

A post of pictures

(My google is wierd and won't let me read all your posts from my weekend away. So, lemme know if anything monumental happened. :P )

My Easter Weekend was fantastic.

It was a great time to spend with my wonderful in-laws.

*Out making a fire:
*Easter Sunday in their new Easter Dresses and Bear's new suit. (technically, it was Saturday, as we did our big dinner that day because we had to travel on Sunday)

Six Word Saturday

(For more Six Word Saturday, visit Cate at Show My Face and join in the fun!)

To Quote Scripture, "It Is Finished."




Yes, I'm using the Easter theme here, to let you all know that yesterday, my mailbox held the letter from the judge's office. Chris and I are officially divorced. (Barring the 31 days for Chris to contest the judgment) *and I bolded it, just in case you weren't paying attention!

I must admit, I feel good. I don't really feel sad. I mean, what's to be sad about when another chapter begins? I sometimes have to repeat in my head, "I'm divorced!" or "I'm single" or something like that... it's like it doesn't seem completely real! Not in a bad/shock way, but in a ..."wow, that day came!" way. Maybe that doesn't make sense to anyone but me, and those who have been there, but whatever. I think it hasn't fully 'hit me' yet. But for now, I am happy.

Interestingly enough, I also finished my current paper journal today. Ending a journal that is chalk-full of heartache and affair after-math on the day I get divorced from Chris seems fittingly perfect. Putting an end to all of that, and leaving every peice of that part of my life between the bindings of that book could not be more appropriately timed.

Funny still, I got the letter on my way to my (now ex) in-law's house in BC. Chris and I drove the kids out to his parents' place to spend the holiday weekend together. Divorced. lol. I know we confuse people. In the car on the way here, we talked a lot about our own marriage, what went wrong, and what we've learned. It was a great talk, as we were able to indicate the changes we're making in our current relationships to avoid similar pitfalls later on. I am lucky to have all the 'good' parts of Chris still at my disposal, (the good father, someone who cares for me, good communication,) all the while, leaving the rest behind me.

He did mention that our new relationship with each other is like having a Gayfriend. You know, that friend with whom you can discuss anything with and they'll tell you how wrong you are or when you're being a b!tch, and they can get away with it because you trust their judgment and you know they are only doing it to show they love you? And the friend of the opposite sex with whom there is NO physical relationship with? That friend. Yah, the gayfriend. So, in spite of it being a HORRIBLE thought, Chris is like my Gayfriend. LOL. Now, THAT would make good TV drama, X-Weighted people! :) And, sadly, it wouldn't be the first Ex of mine to go gay after being in a relationship with me.... but let's not go there, okay!?

Grateful for the Easter season. The atonement, the newness of spring--
Both are things that I am finding are a HUGE impact in my life today and recently.

Newness.
There is no better word for me today.