Blow Ups

WOW. Yesterday was hilarious, sad, disturbing, precious and every other descriptive word you can probably think of . Okay, maybe not a colour or a smell. Not those descriptive words (although, I'm sure we could ASSOCIATE a few smells with girls' night. lol)

Today is a good day. Not as productive in cleaning and stuff, but productive in relationships and life.

GV night was an emotional night filled with lots of tears, lots of anger, lots of FIGHTING (at Peter's we watched a serious fight break out..) lots of joy.

After last night's GV night, trying to explain to the girls why Chris and I are where we're at, listening to other's marital/relationship issues and all that, I came home at 2 and talked with Chris. My heart aches for him. For his lack of direction, for his pain, for his confusion. I just want to take his issues and fix them, just like I would my children. Thing is, I'm not his mother, I'm his wife. And my love will never FIX something he can't find is broken. I just wish I could give him the knowledge I have about life, spirituality, marriage, HIM, direction.

I have others I confide in who are giving me gobs of strength. I have never felt so blessed. Really. I have those who make me laugh, and even a few who make me look to the possibility of a future without Chris with some degree of excitement. Judge or not, it's how it is.

Reflections

My list from yesterday only got PARTIALLY accomplished. :( I managed to cut the grass (cue Cyndi's laughter-- inside joke) and get all the yard done. Didn't tend to the garden. Got LL to soccer. Picked up milk and eggs and such... didn't get TOILET PAPER!!! :( That's on the list for the afternoon.

I ran last night. I love the time alone. I was >THIS<>Today's GV night. YAY. Other than that, I have nothing good to report. I'll post some humourous internet things instead. Enjoy.

Wednesday W's

Who: Cyn and I
What: Laughed harder than I've laughed in YEARS
Where: mostly through Facebook, actually.
When: yesterday... I assume the conversation will continue today
Why: oh, why??? lol where do I start?! We are two girls with very twisted minds who are sarcastic to no end. We laugh at each other, we laugh at ourselves, and, yes, we definitely laugh at others' expense. Oh Cyn, how I love our laughs. The last time I laughed like that I was talking to my sister, "Lola".

Who: Estranged friend
What: cancelled our planned talk last night again
Where: well, technically, she cancelled on the phone
When: yesterday night
Why: her husband was out of town, leaving her with her kids at home and no sitter. We 'rescheduled' for a few weeks down the road, as conflicting schedules kinda pushed our meeting further and further ahead. With Chris leaving, it's going to be harder to just leave one evening, although I know I have Uncle and girlfriends who can help me.

Who: me
What: wanting to get a lot done
Where: around the house, around the yard, and even at the store
When: hopefully before tonight
Why: the house needs more cleaning done and there's laundry in various-finished states kinda laying in piles or buckets everywhere. The yard, now that it's not raining, is in serious need of a mow and trim, and the gardens are looking more full of weeds than full of anything else! :( If I don't save it soon, I'll not be able to save the perennials from sure strangulation!! And I have to get to the store today- LL's birthday is on Saturday and I have to get her present, her cake ordered/made, we're out of toilet paper (YA, BIG REASON TO NEED TO GO TO THE STORE TODAY!) and I need a few other things..lunch fixings, hair conditioner and a few non-important things, but still.

Crazy Mom and her child

in case you were wondering

That kid and crazy mom are not coming back. I finally got a hold of her, found out he's moving to Fort Mac with his father in a week or so. So, although i lose the income of a full-time child, I'm happy he's possibly going to be in a better home than the one I think he's in currently. At least, I hope so.

New Look

because I was bored, I decided to change it up.
Now I need to figure out how to find the things that got lost in the 'move'. :(

8 is Great

Today is our 8-year meet-a-versary. Chris and I met 8 years ago.

My girlfriend, "Mel", worked at The Keg in Marlborough. She liked a server there, "Tony". Tony liked her back, so he asked her on a date to go out dancing and such. She wanted to go, but didn't want it to be awkward, so she asked me to come along to keep it a bit less date-ish and more casual, in case it turned out too stuffy.

As I arrived, turned out Tony didn't know I was coming. He quickly called his friend, Chris, who also worked at The Keg so that I wasn't the third wheel. Chris had just gotten off work, so we drove to where he was living to pick him up. (Chris had just broken up with his long-term girlfriend whom he had lived with, so he was staying at his best-friend house for the meantime).

We went to The Palace, a dance club on Steven Avenue. It's now Flames Central. Not the point. Dancing there, I fell a bit for Chris and thought he was cuter and cuter (even if he did have an earring and goatee-- neither of which are too attractive to me). At the end of the night, we headed back to Tony's place. Tony and Mel took off into Tony's room (let's use our CLEAN imagination to think they were making the bed), leaving Chris and I in the front room, reading the comics. We spent the time talking, hit it off, and the rest, as they say, is history.

My Last Secret

My kids know now, so the 'cat's out of the bag,' so to speak. Now, it's time to let you know what's been going on in my life to the extent of what my children know.

Tonight, we told my three kids that Chris will be leaving June 1st. He's going to go live somewhere else for at least the month of June, possibly returning in July, possibly not returning at all. This decision has been in the works for about 4 months now, since THIS livejournal entry. It's hard to fully explain everything to everyone, as some details are more meant for family and some are just meant for Chris and I. But some things need to be said.

Chris and I love each other. If you saw the show you'll see that there are issues with Chris' desire to be married. It's not about being married to me specifically, but about being part of a family. And we both know that no marriage will survive if both parties aren't FULLY committed to working on it. We have done so much growth in these past 4 months, more than can be shared. We have learned how to communicate in a whole other language. We have learned what we each NEED versus WANT in a marriage, and neither of us believe that the other should have to lose their needs just to stay married.

Because I love him so deeply like I do, I know this is essential to his growth. There's no other option. And our marriage counsellors and clergy are behind us, working with us and guiding us in proper directions. We aren't fighting or angry. We are doing this for the betterment of our marriage, the betterment of ourselves and in time, the betterment of our children. They deserve to be part of a family where love, respect and commitment are strong and obvious. If I can't find that in this marriage, with God's plan, I hope to find it elsewhere. They deserve that. As do I.

Ask questions. It's okay to be confused and sad and even angry... It's the same thing we told our children. The next few days are going to be tough-- prayers tonight invoked tears from both LL and Bear for their father's choice. They asked me lots of questions, and I believe LL cried herself to sleep. Bear is still awake, and asked me to sleep in bed with him. Obviously, they're going to be dealing with the aftermath of their father's choices for a long time. I just hope that the positive in the long run outweighs the negative we feel now.

Because It's Funny

I love random funny things the internet provides me with. I really DO like being a mom.

Day of Doom

It wasn't just me! SO many people I talked to yesterday had their days go from not-so-bad to horrible. Maybe Calgary's water has something wrong with it (apart from the horrible taste! :) )

I was in a good mood most of the day. -- although I never heard from that kid or his mother (And don't get me started on if I've heard from them TODAY!!!! NOPE!) I got lots cleaned and done, spent 2 hours folding laundry, talked with some new friends through the TV show... good morning in total. Come 3pm, the downward spiral went spinning out of control and FAST.

LL had told her entire school class that Bear had surgery over the weekend and was in the hospital. Why she told her class this, we didn't understand. Obviously she's got some sort of problem to make up such tales with ease. Her whole class!!! Wow. I DEFINITELY don't win Mother Of The Year award anytime soon! Somewhere I've messed up, and this is her acting out in a way I can't figure out. So, upon finding that out, I was upset.

Then, my meeting that I pretty much psyched myself up for never happened. My friend's mother was in town, so she rescheduled for next week. Grr. I was ready to put this behind me. So that didn't help my mood either.

The rain stopped. So, sad as it is to say, soccer WASN'T cancelled, much to my dismay. I was hoping LL and I could skip it. (that Mother Of The Year award is looking farther and farther away!)

After dinner, because of the yucky weather, Chris stayed home with the kids and I took LL to soccer. Usually we all go together. It was friggen freezing. I was sooo close to not showing up, but we were in charge of snack this game, so I didn't want to appear to be the lame-parent. (ROFL, like I hadn't looked like that earlier in the day enough times!) We got there, freezing, to find only 2 others showed up. Three girls, when a full-line is 4. Yay. Time to go home and forfeit the game.

Alas. No. Coach pulled some players from the other team and instead, me and the other mom FROZE on the sidelines, watching our VERY tired, overplayed children play soccer in the cold and wet wind.

Got home, cold and tired. Went to put on jammies, and Chris had lovingly THROWN all the folded clothes on the floor because he wanted to READ! Dont' even get me started. Now today I get to redo it all. That was my breaking point. I put my kids to bed without songs or prayers, threw the toys into the toybucket (and so what, I occasionally may have hit the wall by accident) to clean the toyroom and chilled on the couch to watch X-Weighted. GRRRR. Chris left to go to the gym-- smart man.

IT WASN'T just me, though! My girlfriend has been in false-labour for 4 days now, so she's dealing with the stress that brings-- her mom is in town (YIKES!) and makes her feel guilty for missing work for the baby that hasn't arrived yet-- her kid was here and she felt guilty about that... My other girlfriend had her cop-hubby not come home from work until after midnight when he SHOULD have been home at, like, 3 or so, and she had things she HAD to do. Lucky for me, I was able to help her out. Didn't REALLY help her day get better, as she got horribly sick while she was out. Aww. Poor thing. Love you babe.

It must be in the water. That, and fertilized eggs. Because EVERYONE'S pregnant. Yah, don't drink the water!!

Two busy for a real blog

Two everyday things you don't want to live without: computer and music (I'd say family, but that's a given and EVERYONE has that answer, I'm sure)

Two of my favorite songs: right now? Miley Cyrus- See You Again, and Jo Dee Messina- I Wish

Two things I want to do before I die: fill a passport and get my nursing degree

Two stores I shop at: Walmart and Stupidstore. Stores I LIKE to shop at? Pier One and Golden Acres

Two things that scare me: Mice and my gramma's emails LOL

Two snacks I could eat everyday: cheese and berries

Two people I'd be lost without: Chris and my Mom

Two nicknames I've been given: Mom, Debra

Next two places I want to go on vacation: Mexico, Greece

Two favorite spaces in your home: kitchen and backyard

Two of your favorite restaurants: Boston Pizza and Catch

I found this picture of Boston Pizza's menu online-- in Japan! How cool is that?

Wednesday W's

Who: Becka and I
What: Ran her required 4 kms
Where: Around Cranston-- a really nice route along the ridge, mostly and a bit through the pathways.
When: last night, took us about 1/2 hour-- slow for her, but she dumbed-down her running for ME. Not that it mattered, I'm feeling it again today as I tried to ensure my pace didn't slow her down too much.
Why: because she loves me. And because she needs to run to train for her 1/2 marathon coming up. And because it's good for us and it makes us feel good. And because it feeds our vanity. lol



Who: Estranged Friend and I
What: having our heart-to-heart
Where: that, actually, hasn't been determined yet. I should phone her. I'm assuming somewhere with coffee/drinks that's open late and doesn't 'expose' us too much to others who may overhear the conversation
When: tonight, after my kids are in bed, probably around 8:30 until ???
Why: because I need a sort of closure on the pain she caused, and she needs to answer my questions. And because we know that life is too short to carry this kind of hurt forever, and we both need to move on towards a new, better friendship.



Who: Crazy dayhome mom and her child
What: aren't here and haven't phoned
Where: well, he's SUPPOSED to be here, but I haven't heard WHERE he is.
When: Usually she drops him off by 7 am, but so far, no word. It's 9:15. ???
Why: Well, read my description of 'dayhome mom'. She's crazy. She hired me the Friday before he came for the first time on Monday-- never having met me. Dropped him off, didn't come in to look around, and said barely 2 words. Doesn't ever hug him when she sees him, and he doesn't get excited either. She doesn't carry on NORMAL conversation at the door when she picks him up or drops him off, and seems almost careless about his well-being. (When he peed himself because he convinced himself that he was locked in a room, she laughed when I told her the story. ) IMO, he has issues that I'm a bit worried about. I'm watching him for other signs of neglect or abuse or mental/learning issues or SOMETHING!

May Long Weekend

What a weekend-- I've been so 'absent' from the technology world, my inbox was crazy-filled. Which is a good thing-- I had no time to sit and be lazy in front of a computer screen-- I was out having fun.

I've kept up the running, for the most part, everyday. There's a 10k run coming up that I'm going to try *(having never ever ever done any sort of community run or marathon or anything) in about a month, so I need to get my running up and my time down. I am amazed at how good I'm feeling. The scale isn't reflecting anything exciting, but I'm just happy I'm out and doing it. I usually run alone, and then knock on a friend's door for walking company to cool down. It's good to have friends who will do that with me, and the conversation is good too. And I'm just loving my personal high of getting out there!

Friday, I still had children to watch, although LL had the day off school. Luckily the weather's been AWESOME, so the sprinkler busted out and kept the kids cool. Saturday, at +29' C, I realized I don't own ANY shorts that fit me still, so I drove to Reitmans and bought 2 pairs of shorts. I like being able to say I don't fit my old ones anymore, but I hate spending money every few months on new clothes.

I bought these shorts, and another, shorter skort-like jean pair.

After that, I took the kids with my slightly estranged friend and her kids to the McKenzie Towne waterpark in the morning. We're working on rebuilding our friendship, so this was one of our baby steps. I'll be having a heart-to-heart with her Wednesday night, which makes me nervous. But it's needed for us to move on past the hurt and build a new friendship. It was great to see her kids, though, as I had missed them, and my kids did too. And it turned out to be a good visit.


After we came home for lunch, we were lucky enough to be invited out with my girlfriend, Cyn and her family for a boating day. The morning was GREAT...It wasn't as nice an afternoon-- hot, but the sun disappeared behind clouds. :( let me tell you, that water was FREEZING!!! LL tried knee-boarding for the first time and she did AWESOME! But her face when she came into the shore and into the water was priceless. I thought she'd go into shock, it was that cold! lol


We had a good evening, I did my run, and everything for the night was quiet. Sunday, Chris got sick and so he stayed home from church while I took the kids. Simple, uneventful sunday. Cyn and crew joined us for a BBQ dinner at our place, and then we took the kids out for a walk.


Yesterday we met up with Cyn and crew again and drove out to Elbow falls. I was expecting better 'falls', but the water's pretty high so it's not as cool to look at. But we hiked a bit, which was fun. Throwing rocks in the water, checking out ants under rocks... and observing TONNES of garbage left behind from others. It was REDICULOUS how much garbage there was in the forest/campsites. Sad, actually. So, next time we go somewhere like that, we're going to bring a few garbage bags to collect the crap others have left behind. We came home, and shared pizza at their place. I've been craving pizza for WEEKS!!! mmm. Thanks, Cyn.
So, all in all, a great, outdoor weekend. Spent with family and close friends, good weather and great memories. I couldn't ask for anything better.

My Journal

Oh yah.

Found it.

You can all relax now. Back to your regularly scheduled program.

Being You.

Who you are in the midst of a HUGE tragedy/conflict really reflects the true You.



Not the You you want to portray. Not the You you don't want to be. Just the You you are. Naturally. Without foresight or planning.



I'm figuring out how to change that You in me. Is it possible to change what is God-given/natural to who You are? If so, how? What do you need to do to change You?



I think, however, that the You in me is a good You. I have reflected on that person and when I've had the You emerge. Bear's birth/immediate sickness. Bear's seizures in Disneyland. Life-altering news. And, in those REAL moments, when I'm completely *in* the moment without anything influencing my thoughts, I amaze even myself. I actually LIKE that You. I'd worry about sounding vain or full-of-myself, but I truly believe that God WANTS me to like that You in me. That, that's the You He sees. And that's why I think the You in you is also a good You. For that minisecond, how you react and what you turn to= true You.



I know this sounds quite hoity-toity and a bit too philisophical for my own good, especially in this blog. I started reading this and, including conversations with Chris and others after the show, these are my thoughts today. *IF you want to read this book, I warn you. It's not an easy read and some of the ideas are far too DUMB to entertain or teach me. I'm not a huge fan of it yet. But, it's won awards and acclaimations, so go to it, if it tickles your fancy.

Showers

you know what's really sad? When I'm happy to have gotten a shower in. How lame am I? It's such a rarity in my life to shower with no one else IN the shower (hubby who's "bored", kids who want in or NEED in because they're nasty) or shower with no one even in the bathroom. We have a glass shower in our bathroom, so there's NO privacy.

Last night, I did my 3.5 km walk again with my friend, and then ran another 3 kms. Although I got home late, I was glad to have done it anyways. Although, I freaked myself out a few times, thinking about the strange man that is probably lurking behind that electrical box, waiting for a female runner to come by, panting, and take advantage of her 'out-of-breath-ness'. I really DO have an imagination that gets the better of me sometimes.

After the run, I had a shower. ALL BY MYSELF. Doesn't Mercer Mayer make one of those books? LOL I don't think it's about having a shower, though.

Today, a few kids cancelled (there's that nasty bug going around) so it's soooo quiet right now. Weird! I have ONE extra right now, and i don't know what to do with the stillness in the house. I'm actually going to venture to the grocery store! Yay for fresh veggies.

Ew-- other than the whole fish, this is all yummy. When buying fish, it should not look like it could all of a sudden wake up and bite my fingers.


yes, it appears I'm on a bit of a health-kick. not that it'll last long-- tonight's girls' night and we're heading to Peter's Drive In because one of our girlfriends has never even HEARD of it! mmmmm, milkshakes. mmmmm So much for running! lol. No matter. I'll run again tomorrow. (I hope)

This is me at Peter's a while ago... I guess I was hoping there'd be no proof that I was there.

CODE RED!

WE'RE IN A STATE OF EMERGENCY!

THIS IS NOT A TEST, I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A TEST.

PLEASE DROP EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING, ESCORT YOURSELVES TO THE NEAREST EXIT, AND PROCEED TO JOIN ME IN FREAKING OUT!

**I HAVE LOST MY JOURNAL!! SOMEWHERE IN THIS BABY-MESS OF A HOUSE, IS MY JOURNAL FROM THE PAST 2 YEARS. NOT GOOD NEWS-- THERE'S A LOT IN THERE THAT I'M NOT READY TO 'REVEAL' TO THE GENERAL POPULATION! THANKFULLY, IT'S LIKELY STILL IN THE HOUSE. I'm fairly sure it will be found-- coloured, ripped and possibly proof-read by an eager grade-one daughter who shall remain nameless.

I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A TEST!!

I AM OFFICIALLY FREAKING OUT!

There's Always Room For Jello

That line of the show makes me laugh every time.

And believe me, today, my legs are J-E-L-L-O like crazy!!

I went for a run yesterday, which isn't something new. I left the house around 8:15 pm, Chris' ipod strapped to my arm and my runners on. I started the run, pressed play, and took off. I don't know why-- I felt like I was tired really quickly. And, I wasn't too impressed when I learned that Chris had changed the playlist order- so my carefully planned FAST TO SLOW songs were alphabetically listed instead. grrr. Lucky for me, I don't have a LOT of slow songs on my playlist anyways.

So, running my regular route. I got to the ridge, and for some reason, wasn't tired AT ALL! ? What on earth? With that, I came up to the bench at the ball-diamond and did my 20 bench hops like you see on the show. When I do those, they tire me out and the rest of my run is dreadful!

not this time! I was tired, yes, but I kept running and everything was good. I think that having my songs in a different order was a GOOD thing! As I neared my 'go home' spot, I decided that it was too early to head home, and since I wasn't really tired, I kept going. I ended up going for an hour, and doing yet another 20 bench hops on the second time around.

I tried to calculate it out on google maps.... It worked out to be 7.27 kms. Which isnt' good time, but not my worst, either. As I walked up the cul-de-sac that I live on to cool down, I noticed my legs were seizing up. So instead of heading into the house, I walked through the back door, and jonted over to my girlfriend's house. She also lives on the greenspace, so she saw me approaching her yard. Although she was in her jammies, I told her to go get some pants on, and she came for a walk with me so that my legs would work today.

We grabbed her dog, and walked for ANOTHER hour. This worked out to be 3.55 kms. In total last night, I ran or walked over 10kms. It felt AWESOME. After running that long, it's funny how 'un-tired' I was- I felt like I could conquer the world! I need to remember that feeling when I don't feel like running the next time.

But today, I am sore! My ankles took a bit of a beating, hitting the pavement like that. It sucks. Otherwise, I feel awesome, albeit a bit dehydrated.

Tagged by Becka..

Totally long meme, but read ahead if you want.

1. Do you like blue cheese?

No. My favourite cheese is herb and garlic Havarti. mmm

2. Have you ever smoked?

Never. Didn't even get curious. I was curious ONCE about smoking pot, but that's cuz I had pot-smoking friends. Come on, now, I had my teenage years in BC!! I actually LIKE the smell of marijuana!

3. Do you own a gun?

No. I'm not a fan of having a gun in the house, although I grew up with one my whole life. I had an ex try to shot himself, and since then, guns bug me.

4. What flavor Kool Aid is your favorite?

Anything pink-- cherry? Raspberry? Who the heck drinks that crap anyways!?

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointment?

No. There's nothing that he hasn't encountered before, I'm sure. I don't LIKE my doctor, but that wasn't the question.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?

Ew. But I still eat them. How lame am I? In truth, I used to like them a lot more before X-weighted. Now I don't really like them.

7. Favorite Christmas movie?

Oh, that's easy. Elf.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?

I prefer my shake.

9. Can you do push ups? Girl or boy version?

I can do both versions, yes. I have done 22 boy ones-- that was my limit with my trainer.

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?

I actually don't have a favourite piece. I don't own much jewellery that's worth talking about! lol

11. Favorite hobby?

THis is a harder one. I like a lot of things, but chosing a favourite is hard. I'd have to answer dancing.

12. Do you have A.D.D.?

No. What a weird question

13. What's your weight?

HAHA, not that the whole country doesn't already know! I'm about 149 today, but only because I have been sick for a few days. It'll go back to 152 once I'm better, which sucks... maybe I'll start running more now that I'm below the 50s. It's a good incentive-- haven't weighed this weight since before Bear was born.

14. Middle name?

Ann. Like my Aunt. And part of LL's.

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.

If Robyn doesn't stop whining I'm going to go crazy.

My stomach still hurts-- I probably shouldn't have eaten that shake for breakfast just yet.

I'm way illegal on my kid to adult ratio today.

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?

Water, and I prefer sparkling over still. (like Perrier or Pellegrino)

Red Bull (don't get off your high horse to tell me how bad it is for me-- I know.)

That's it, actually. Water and Red bull. haha.

17. Current worry?

people's perception of my life since watching the show, how to tell Robyn's parent's that she can't come here anymore because she's too much work for me..

18. Current hate right now?

Indecision.

19. Favorite place to be?
Home. Or with my extended family.

20. How did you bring in the New Year?

There was a new year?! lol I stayed home, went to bed before midnight, and that was that. Pretty lame.

21. Where would you like to go?

On a hot vacation/honeymoon with Chris. He turns 30 this year, so I'm trying to surprise him with a trip from airmiles, but I don't know if I can do it by then.

22. Name three people who will complete this?

Well, I don't know that they will, but I'll tag them anyways-- Carla, Nikki, Marci, DJo, Bobbi Jo.

23. Do you own slippers?

Yes. Big, yellow VW bug ones from "Nacho" *(an ex). And white slip-on ones like from a hotel. No, I didn't steal them, I bought them.

24. What color shirt are you wearing right now?

I can't believe it either, but pink. It's almost too big for me now, so I like wearing it. haha-- makes me feel good.

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?

Never tried it. I don't think I'd like it-- I don't like the thought of slipping around in bed. That, and I find silk too cold. I'm a plain-jane cotton girl.

26. Can you whistle?

Yes. In AND out.

27. Favorite color?

That depends on the day. Usually orange/red/yellow tones. And greens. And browns. Can you tell I'm a fall-baby!?

28. Would you be a pirate?

Um, no. I'd be a wench. haha

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?

Church songs come into my head first, but in truth, I don't sing in the shower.

30. Favorite Girl's Name?
I don't think like this anymore... I'm so done 'names'.

31. Favorite boy's name?

See above answer

32. What's in your pocket right now?

Nothing. Usually my bank card, like Becka, and, like Becka, I end up losing my card too often. Sometimes a chapstick.

33. Last thing that made you laugh?

Something on TV, I assume. Oh yah, The Office. Which is odd, because I don't ever watch it or even find it funny. But last night Uncle was watching it and I 'had' to.

34. Best bed sheets as a child?

I dont' know the BEST, but I know the worst! I was 12, and Santa got me Barbie Doll sheets and comforter set... I WAS 12!! Talk about social suicide!

35. Worst injury you've ever had?

Broken arm while running the Terry-Fox/cross country route in grade 7. I ran down a large hill, slipped on the dewy grass, and bent it like a W. After being taken to a specialist at a far away hospital, I had a cast up to my armpit. It sucked.

36. Do you love where you live?

Oh yah. Wouldn't want to move from here ever!!! unless it was to Arizona or somewhere warm. Then I'd leave.

37. How many TVs do you have in your house?

Three. The big one in the bonus room, the tiny one undermounted in my kitchen, and one in my bedroom. The one in my room hardly EVER gets used, unless I'm folding clothes.

38. Who is your loudest friend?

Loudest? Seriously? Not a clue. I have many friends who are full of pep, but they aren't 'louder' than anyone else I know-- just more confident

39. How many dogs do you have?

None. We've had two. But now we're animal free. yay.

40. Does someone have a crush on you?

Actually, I know the answer to this. Chris does. And a few other guys do-- weird to know, but I do.

41. What is your favorite book?

Ellen Degeneres "My Point... And I Do Have One". Hilarious. I've read it a few times, and it's always entertaining!!!

42. What is your favorite candy?

I like most candies, just depends on what I'm in the mood for. Usually chocolate. Is that considered candy?

43. Favorite Sports Team?

That's a tie between the Flames and Canucks. Hockey all the way.

44. What song do you want played at your funeral?

Three songs-- Why I've thought about this is beyond me, but I have. One is an LDS-ish song, "Be Still My Soul". One is a religious but not LDS song, "The Garden" (I think it's called that). And the last one is totally secular, Aaron Neville's "It's Alright". And in that order.--- LDS one to open the funeral, a soloist for the second one, and Aaron Neville at the end.

My Dirty Laundry's aired.

So, did you see it? If you did, the 'spoilers' below aren't spoilers. If you didn't watch it and wanted to, you can catch it here. (as long as you live in Canada-- US friends, you're outta luck)

It's been a bit over 24 hours since it aired, and I'm overwhelmed. I woke up at 6 am yesterday to over 40 messages in my inbox! It was crazy. The phone rang all day, and although I decided not to answer anyone who wasn't family, sometimes I had to answer it for other reasons. So, I was on the phone for forever.

In regards to the show.

What Did I Think About It?

Now that I've had time to watch it a few times, and think about it, I enjoy it. The first time watching was tough- and I watched it with Chris for the first time in my kitchen. While everything he and I said was honest, sometimes the editing put our comments in an order that wasn't the way it was. We didn't ever hear something for the first time that we hadn't discussed earlier than the show. Nothing surprised us. But I think it painted Chris in a bad light. Not inaccurate in most respects, but not favourably. He may go to bars, he may struggle with being married to ANYONE, he may not want 8 kids, he may not clean the house the ONE day I go away... but he also supported me completely. He helped watch kids EVERY day (not even just his own). He kept me honest with my diet. He dealt with people with cameras in his space. He never complained about what I made for dinner or what food I bought. He talked to me every day. And he loved me. I find myself very defensive on his behalf, but he's less worried about it than I am.

We laugh at the messy house scene. We laugh at the date scene. (What you dont' see is the crew prompting him what to say..."Chris, tell Debbi how pretty she looks" "You look good". Then, the necklace comment was HILARIOUS to us-- but they cut our laughing out and made us look totally angry and bitter to each other. haha. )

You also don't know that when I ate the McDonald's burger on screen (yes, it's a big mac) there was a garbage bag beside me and I chewed, chewed, and then SPIT the food into the garbage.

You may have noticed that when Chris is on the computer in the bonus room, there's nothing on the screen he's looking at.

My house is NOT always clean. It's a nice house that I take pride in, but I ALWAYS cleaned before the crews arrived, and I always knew when they were coming. When I did video diaries, I purposely made my bed so I didn't look like a slob. haha. Only Chris did. ROFL.

Chris also lost 30 lbs since the show.

You might be impressed to know that the day before the fitness routine I severely sprained my ankle. I was MAJORLY drugged during the competition, thanks to my sis who works at a doctor's office and got me some good samples. You MIGHT see the tensor/brace during the final obstacle course under my shoe. And during the final weigh-in, I have it on then too. Point is, my ankle was CRAZY sore, blue and purple and not at full functioning capacity.

Answering a few common questions:

Is Paul Really like he looks on TV?

Yes and no. He's awesome and I enjoyed spending a few days with him. He did call himself the Wayne Gretzky of Weight Loss, which made me nearly pee myself laughing. He can't jump on a trampoline to save his soul. He can't swim. He's got a great butt. He is cocky, and thinks he's the cat's meow. He checks himself out in ANY reflective surface. But he's fun, funny, friendly, knowledgable, and kind. He pushes people out of desire to HELP them. He's been REALLY fat before, too.

Is Fred Gay?

Do I have to spell that out for you? Aside from being gay, he's also a good guy. He was mostly caring in his ways, although him and I had a bit of a clash at the beginning. What you DONT see in the episode is that him and I had been talking for HOURS before those tears emerged. And it wasn't that I was crying about the clothes. CHA!! As if. There was a LOT said that didn't show up, and I cried the ugly cry. But Fred is a stylist with mad talent, and knows his fashion. He was super fun to shop with for the final outfit, and I personally think he made me look great.

When was this?

Filming started in June and went to January.

More questions will be answered as they appear but these are the most common. Ask away. It's not like I have any secrets anymore.

Weighting to X-hale

This is it. The day of truth.

I realize that television will make Hollywood out of the Ghetto, so i know that what I may or may not see on TV tonight won't be accurate or will be. I know I may like how they paint my story, and I may hate it. I may hate only parts. I may love most of it. But I also know that, like Nikki said in her comments to me on my post yesterday, the people who know me and love me will support me and be with me no matter WHAT story emerges.

I'd lie to say I don't care what story emerges. I'd lie if I didn't say I'm worried about what people will perceive of me and my life. But the truth of my story is out there. I know the story, now I just decided to share it for everyone else to look at me and hopefully find a bit of themselves in me somewhere. Maybe find inspiration, maybe find motivation, maybe find someone who is more human than they perceived me as to begin with.

This morning I was on Global TV news, and although my 5 minutes of fame was nothing to brag about, it was really fun. I bought a new outfit after Chris suggested that I do it, and it was nice AND indulgent to spend on myself! But I feel good, he thought I looked good, and HAHAHAHA, the lady (Angela Kokott) compared me on air to a Barbie doll. lol RIAGGGHHHTT!!

Went for a good run last night, to clear my head of nerves and in hopes of feeling more energized for the day today. I love running with Chris' Ipod...just me and my tunes that I FORCE him to have on there (haha) and nothing else. Not the sound of my breathing, or my clod-feet... just the beat of the bass and me. Just what I needed.

I hope you all enjoy my episode. I hope you'll find the truth in the glitz. I hope I'm happy with the episode. And the best part-- once my 15 minutes of fame is over, I STILL have the weightloss and the new look on life, and that's worth EVERYTHING!...no matter WHAT the TV shows.