Not Me Monday- Moving

I am NOT still sick. I did NOT, however, take some serious drugs this weekend to get back to my normal amazingly awesome self.

Life is NOT starting to feel back to normal again. I do NOT need a buttload smidgen of routine in order for me to NOT function, and now that the wedding is NOT over and I am NOT settling in to this small-town life, I can NOT finally get it together.

This week, my kids do NOT have 2 days off! I know, school only started 2 weeks ago, and already they have TWO days off... I do NOT remember when I went to school, and did walk up hill both ways, carrying my shoes in my hands with plastic bags on my feet, in the snow, for 50 miles. And, NO, I did NOT have days off every two weeks.

We did NOT have last-minute dinner guests yesterday, and NOPE, I did NOT feed them whilst sitting on rubbermaid buckets around the table. Both of our children did NOT eat in the living room, on the (blue carpeted) floor. That would be just rude, and I would NEVER do that to dinner guests. This was NOT bad enough, but to top it off, I did NOT inwardly freak out, considering it was Will's Ex's extended family, and I did NOT worry about making a good impression. I am NOT pleased to say that they were very nice and friendly, in spite of my dirty house. And, in case you're wondering, I did NOT overcook the asparagus to a nasty utterly delicious green goop. I do NOT hate the craptastic flat-top stove and oven here at the house, and my prissy city-girl inner cook does NOT miss her gas stove from the Calgary house.

I am NOT thankful that my parents brought the kitchen chairs from that house later last night- too late for the dinner guests, but great just the same. I am NOT also excited about bringing ALL of my stuff later this week. I am NOT demanding hosting a cleaning party at my house, for those interested! :) BYOC, BYOTC, BYOLW. -- bring your own chairs. And toilet cleaner. And lysol wipes.

I did NOT buy Hallowe'en candy already. Nope, NOT ME! I do NOT have a weakness for the peanut-butter ones. It is NOT Chocolate Wednesday, and I am so NOT cheating! I have also NOT eaten the box all. by. myself.

This does NOT remind me that X-Weighted is starting up that "where are they now" website. It is NOT a bad idea for me to be eating all that chocolate just before they launch. And, apparently, my episode is NOT airing all week, too.

BUT, on the other side of the fat scale, I did NOT wear "the skirt" to church yesterday. This skirt is one that my mother did NOT wear when she was young-- (bought in 1975), and it is NOT the skinniest article of clothing I have. I did NOT wear it when I was a teen, and it was NOT my goal skirt to fit into when the TV show ended. I did NOT force my fat thighs into that skirt yesterday. I did NOT do a little dance of joy that I got the zipper up. And then, when the day was over, I did NOT do ANOTHER (completely ridiculous) dance to try to get it off. NOPE, NOT ME. I would NEVER nearly pull off my left buttcheek in order to get the thing off! I am NOT >this< close to marathon training again going for a few runs with Will to get back into shape.

Six Word Saturday- Sick

Being newlywed while sick sucks rocks.

(or)

Full of love. Full of snot.

Yep. I'm still sick. This is going on an eternity almost 10 days now. I've tried starving the cold, feeding the cold, sleeping it off, NOT sleeping at all, smothering it with love, NOT loving it, washing copious laundry amounts. Working with Will making out painting at the hotel. Sitting on my lazy butt at home. Working at my Mother-in-law's shop. Walking with Will at night. Paying bills. Shopping. Catching up on emails...
nothing is helping.

A runny nose, a headache, sore muscles... NOT a fun way to be newlywed. I figure, though, if Will can't handle a little bodily fluid as a newlywed, he's missing out on the best part! ;)

Happily Ever After

The dress is bought! But that WASN'T the best part of the night.

No, NOT the dress.

I went to my final fitting. Again, not the best part.

You see, earlier in the afternoon, I was busy online, when I found a website that featured my X-weighted show. So, for the first time in, like, a YEAR, I watched the very beginning of the show, and the very end. Again, I HATED watching it, as I know what was happening behind the scenes and I hate how naive I look now. But, I like watching the physical change.

My 'before' photo I sent in with my application. Click for full fatness overload!

The other day, a publicist from the show asked me if I'd be willing to do a follow-up interview for the website they're launching in the fall with 'where are they now' information.

Of course, the first thing she asked, is did you keep the weight off? Are you still living a healthy lifestyle?

At the beginning of the show my measurements were 41.5 bust, 40 waist, 48 hips. At the end of the show, they were 35.5 bust, 32 waist, 41 hips.

It's been two years since filming began, and about a year and a half since it ended.


And last night, they took my measurements for the dress.

Last night? My measurements were 38 bust*, 32 waist, 38 hips.
The best part of the night- I knew I wasn't falling into my OLD life again. I was happy that I was a "permanently" changed person. I was happy that, when she asked me where I was now, I could report that I was divorced from Chris and engaged to be married to a wonderful, LDS man, my visions of a large family would come true, Will loves me no matter WHAT the scale says, and I was happy and healthy. It's happily ever after, and it hasn't even officially started yet.


*bust is obviously not the same- but that's understandably easily explained.

Tuesday Tidbits

A post of tidbits. Not Timbits... although... I had some of those with the dayhome kids yesterday, and forgot how gross they are. I mean, I love donuts as much as the next person, but timbits are so much drier. Although, the handy bite-size makes me feel less guilty when I eat 20 of them. Those powder-covered ones are my fave!!

Last night, I donned my VERY FUN wedding shoes, and went with my lovely friend, Becka, dress shopping again at a friend's bridal store. Funny enough, the dresses we narrowed it down to are TOTALLY different than the dress from the other fitting with Sin and Babbling Brook. hmmmmm. Now what do I do? If Will didn't read the blog, I'd ask all of you your opinions. Alas, no pre-wedding shots here. But I'll help ya out-- just imagine: white or off-white dress. To the floor, or slightly above the knee. fitted on the waist or empire waistband. Low cut or not. Sleeveless or strappy or full-arms... :)

Invitations are out. That feels good.

And today's the last day I have with my longest-standing dayhome child! :( I've had Andrew for over 2.5 years now. It's sad that today's my last day with him. Moving on to bigger and better things.

House NEEDS TO SELL!!!!!!

yah. That's it for today. Pretty lame post- busy dong laundry and cleaning and getting ready for the long weekend coming up.

And check out this blog: www.cutelikemegiveaways.blogspot.com They always do fun give-a-ways. Not to mention, Hailey's awesome herself. After all, only the awesomest of people have a birthday on a holiday.

Letters from the Employer

Dear Mr. Will,

Your presence at this weekend's conference was greatly appreciated. It is always nice to be with you and your company. You are doing a fantastic job of keeping the southern division running smoothly (Haha, don't even think it, you dirty-minded people-- I'm CLEARLY talking about his geographical location!) and we appreciate your hospitality to our delegate we sent your way this weekend. We are currently investigating our need for someone of your calibre up here in our division. If you are thinking of relocating, I'm sure we can accommodate your needs. I would be nothing less than happy to have you working with our team up here, and I'm willing to negotiate terms of your contract, should you feel that our division is more suited to your liking.
Please don't hesitate to call, I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
The BOSS!


Dear Mr. Economy,

I would sincerely appreciate it if you got off your lazy butt and did something productive around here. Your inability to get a move-on is, quite frankly, a little tiresome and overplayed by now. You have a job to do, and the rest of us are busy working ourselves to the bone to fix your asinine issues.

Your lack of commitment around this office has negatively affected others in your absence. Our CFO in charge of Adolescent Affairs is in need of future revenue, and our company is in need of further increase in order to keep our business in this location.

If you wouldn't mind getting back to work here at the office, that would be a good move to make on your part. Unfortunately, should you decide NOT to pick up a bit of the slack you've created, the terms of our employment agreement state that there is nothing I can do about it. So this is my proverbial flippage of the bird in your direction.

Indignantly,
CEO, CFO, CAO, COO, CSO



Dear Mr. Energy,

We look forward to your return to our location in the near future. We trust that your extended leave was well-spent, and assure you that there is much to do to remedy your absence. Our bottom line does not look as promising as it did before you left, and we are eagerly anticipating your expert attention to those issues.

We understand that your return from your sabbatical is possibly temporary through the summer months, as it usually is, and trust that you will be able to achieve our needed goals before your winter hiatus again.

Thank you in advance for your enthusiasm throughout the coming months.

Yours,
Mrs. Stella Corpulent

Six Word Saturday- a few to chew on

• Running for Cancer. Hoping for Cures. Other than spending time with family whom I seldom get to visit with, I get to also see one of my bestest girls. And I get to run for cancer whilst remembering family members who are missed. Yay for me, I have a new iPod, so I'll have my tunes too!
  
  
• Masticating on elephants, morsel by morsel. I'm not letting my 'peace' go. I know how to get what I need and want, and I know that, when I need to, I'll know what path to follow.
  
  
• Missing my profusely attractive, hand-holding inamorato. First weekend in a while I don't get to see Will. :( that sucks. Just in case you wanted to know what I think about that. ;)
  
  
• House is a mess. Don't care. Besides, maybe, if I have to sell it and move into a cardboard box because of Chris' no-job sichee-ayshun, I could sell the house with grimy hand prints 'custom artwork' and moldy diapers 'one-of-a-kind aromatherapy'. Or burn it. Yah. That'll be better for EVERYONE involved!
  
  

This Day is the First Day of the Rest of Your Life... or something equally thought-provoking and eloquent

You'll have to forgive me. I'm kinda outta sorts.

With the long weekend, I have that whole "today is technically Tuesday but my head still functions in Monday mode and I've lost a day!! AHHH" mentality. On top of that all, I'm pent up somethin' fierce! ;) But, in most seriousness, I know that TODAY will be a changing day for me, and a changing day for Will. For two completely unrelated reasons that I don't want to get in to right now. So, excuse the mental clutter- I doubt this post will be too fluid in my writing.

The weekend was uneventful. Saturday I spent weeding the yard and noticing how many of the stupid bulbs and plants the rabbits have ruined/eaten/dug up, and got a sunburn in the process. Which sucks a lot. I did NOT get my mother's genes for tanning even just LOOKING at the sun. Nope. I'm my father's daughter, through and through-- white on white on white. With sunburns. and freckles. Blasted, annoying, so un-fun freckles.

Then, Saturday night, Will arrived in town to spend Sunday and, unexpectedly, Monday as well. And I'm sunburnt. Which makes even hugging not so much fun!

It was a regular weekend, other than the fact that the kids were home on Monday. They're ALSO home today (pro-d day) so it STILL doesn't feel like a Monday, and DEFINITELY not like a Tuesday.

Said goodbye to Will this morning as he headed back to his home town to work- it'll be a few weeks before we are together again, as this weekend I'm headed north to Edmonton for a Relay For Life Cancer run. It's a simple, 5 k luminary run, named after my late cousin, so I'm happy to go there to honour his (and my other family-member's) memory. If you're in the area, you should definitely apply to run with me! This run will also ensure that I get a few nights of 'training' this week-- something I'm craving lately. I'd like the weather to cooperate a bit more, and get some outdoor running in. When Chris arrives a few nights a week, I'm going to try to take that hour or so and get out again. The scale, albeit unchanging, is... as I just said... UNchanging! I feel yucky and flabby and out of shape again. Even if round and chunky are shapes.

But, today is a blah day. It's blah outside, and too many people I know are going through their OWN blah-ness. Including me. Blah.

So, I leave you (and, mostly me) a few pics worth smiling at! Even if I'm the only one who finds them cute. Too bad- my blog! (sounds like a fun mantra! "Too bad, my blog". lol)

Not Me Monday.

It's NOT that time again-- hosted by MckMamma, here's another week's version of NOT ME MONDAY.

So, I was NOT making breakfast for Mimi this morning, when I did NOT see two bags of macadamia nuts on the pantry shelf. I totally am NOT craving White Chocolate Macadamia Nut cookies now! Unfortunately, I do NOT have to go to the grocery store this morning if I'd like to make those, seeing as the stash of white chocolate chunks in my Pantry is so NOT plentiful. As IF I keep that type of stuff in my cupboard! I'm always NOT worried that Paul will all of a sudden show up and raid my food cupboards again, like on the X-weighted TV show! ;)

I am NOT happy about finally attending my own ward yesterday. Seems like, well, a month of Sundays since I had been there, what with holidays, conference, and travelling to temple-city to visit Will.

Will is NOT teaching me soooo much about myself. I do NOT feel a different sense of respect from him than I've felt from any man before. I do NOT enjoy spending HOURS discussing our fears and our futures, reading journal excerpts and do NOT enjoy the growth of our relationship while watching him 'semi' parent my kids, and him watching me. It is NOT odd for me to remember that we're both "dating" each other's children too, and that's just the way it is with single parents. I did NOT get a long email from his ex, after the post that was SOOOO not intended to start as much drama as it did!! It was NOT a nice letter, to which I was grateful for.

I was NOT slightly annoyed with Chris again this weekend. Not because of something he technically 'DID', but.... well. Friday night he did NOT want to come see the kids after work. I do not have a problem with that, and know that my kids do NOT need that time with their father. I did NOT plan my 'movie-date night' with the monkeys like we have done often. I did NOT expect Chris to have better things to do after dinner (although, I did NOT forget that his girlfriend was out of town, so technically, he DIDN'T have anything else to...ahem... do). I was NOT a bit put-out when he did NOT decide to stay through the movie with us. It did NOT make me feel kinda intruded upon seeing as it was MY evening with the kids and my 'thing' with them, but I did NOT keep my mouth shut about it. In those type of moments, I do NOT appreciate that, as another single dad, Will can explain Chris' side a bit, and do NOT understand that my comfort is not more important than my children's need to be near their father as much as possible. And, yes, even Chris' need to be near his children.

I am NOT annoyed with the rabbits in my area who keep eating all my flowers! I did NOT plant over 150 bulbs last fall, and am sure that 140 have been dug up and eaten already. grrr. I am NOT considering killing the mo fos with some serious poison or pellet gun some drastic action against said hoppers. I'm not a fan of bunnies/rabbits/hares to begin with, seeing as I have a permanent scar on my arm from a rabbit bite. It's NOT a big scar that people are always shocked about when I say a bunny did it. I may or may NOT have deserved the bite, as I was 8 years old and did NOT scold the bunny immediately after he was NOT done mating. Word to the wise, post-coital rabbits do NOT need a bit of down time before you get them all angry at you.

I do NOT have a nice quiet week. It is NOT cold and snowing yet again, and I am NOT looking forward to MAY!!!! YAY.

I am NOT going to go make those cookies now. tee hee. I do NOT want to discuss what the scale is saying lately. :)

Six Word Saturday

It's Saturday again. Time to play along with Cate at Show My Face. (see the button on my sidebar)

My six words for today:

I Should Really Be In Nashville!


Yep. Today is the Nashville Country Music Marathon I should have been running in. First marathon I 'committed' to (didn't pay the fees, though). First marathon I trained for. First marathon I ditched. :(

Life happened. I trained for 10 weeks. I was more than 1/2 way done the 18-week program when I "lost it" in January- all those Issues Episodes and asking Chris to leave and.just.everything. It would have been fun and personally rewarding to be running on that marathon road right now, ready and trained and fit. But I had another road to follow, I guess. And it's still bringing me some personal rewards. Where one door closes, another opens.

So, I will keep on running. Literally and figuratively.

Besides. I still don't have my passport! ;)

Two Really Good Days In A Row?!

Yay for yesterday.

The papers got sent to the judge for our divorce. Which is scary, because if they don't like something, they send it back and it could take a long time getting everything 'perfect' for them. Or, he could reject our claim and enforce us to be separated for a year instead of the infidelity clause. Instead, we had stated a time on one page and had a half-hour difference on the other, so we have to fix that. And other than that, the judge says we're good to go. The clerks say they're running at about 6 weeks right now, so it's possible that within that period our divorce could be done. That'll be good to have it behind us.

Although there's so much other drama associated with yesterday, (money, Chris, friends) I'm gonna keep the gratitude attitude foremost instead.

I nearly finished laundry again-- a few loads today and I'm good for a bit. I LOVE that feeling.

Crockpot dinners are SOOOo underrated. When the last dayhome child had been picked up, having dinner already waiting was AWESOME! And tasty.

I finally took advantage of the +6 degrees and got outside. Putting LL and Bear on their bikes for the first time this year (and yes, that included a few pumps to a few wheels), I strapped Mimi into the jogging stroller and we went for a short (maybe 3 mile) run. Unfortunately, the sun was down and so all that melted snow had turned into black ice along the pathways. Bear only fell once while LL fell three times. It nearly caught ME on my butt once or twice too!! There was NO escaping it!! ahhhhh! But, I'll take it. Having the fresh air go in one ear and out the other (ha, thanks Auntie!) was just what I needed.

Home, homework done, bedtimes. They were so exhausted from the bike ride and fresh air, they fell asleep in record time. YAY.

I grabbed my "New Moon" book, started a hot bath, and made this:

Baked brie. It's my TOTAL indulgence ever since I made it at Christmas for the first time. Dangerous stuff, I tell you. THANKFULLY, when I run, I eat less. So I didn't eat the whole thing! ;) THIS time. :P

Read the book, took some time to read scriptures and spend a bit of MUCH NEEDED time on my knees, and hopped into a comfy bed. BEFORE 11 pm-- which hasn't happened much lately.

And it's Thousand Word Thursday. Here's my Thousand Word Picture:

So, today, I am having an "off" day. No TV (dayhome kids aside), no COMPUTER. No Music. No 'random' friendly phone calls. Because I have stuff I want to get done, and meditation to do. I need to work on me. I am looking forward to my off day. See ya'll tomorrow.

Eenie, Meanie, My knee, Mofo

So, I'm trying to figure out when to run the marathons and which ones to run. I made a goal to run two marathons this year-- one in the spring, one in the fall. After every run, my knees hurt, but it makes me focus on something, and keeps me in shape and feeling healthy. So having two this year is a good way to stay 'focused' during the summer too.

Nashville is out. Mainly because this month went to pot in the running-department! I had too much emotional shtuff going on that made running just fall by the wayside. And missing a day is SOOO not conducive to training for a marathon.

So, I start where I 'left off'. But that is a few weeks later, so hence, a later marathon. Not to mention that GETTING to Nashville is kinda tough without a passport and while I'm single-momming it, trying to work..etc.

INSTEAD.

There's a few other marathons/runs to be part of. The first one, The Vancouver Marathon. Held the first week of May. And the route goes RIGHT BESIDE my sister's house. So I get to sneak in a visit with my sister's family, and with friends, and with a bunch of other people I love. And it's easy to get there, and fairly cheap. No passport needed! ;)

Second, there's the Cardston Half-Marathon. Which, even if I do the Vancouver full, I can do the half a few weeks later-- right? And getting there-- uh, it's only 2 hours away. And I have family there anyways.

There's also other, local marathons coming up but I haven't looked into many.

In the fall, Toronto has a few marathons I'm considering. The Waterfront one is really appealing-- flat and scenic. Or there's the Goodlife Fitness one in October. Either one lets me visit my OTHER sisters and friends in October/September. Getting there is do-able. Still mostly cheap. Taking the time off is tougher.

Now to COMMIT!! Running during the day doesn't happen usually, so I need to figure out when to get the training in. I'm working 12 hour days, so before work isn't usually feasible either. Gah.

Okay, Okay, I'll Blog already- Wednesday Ws

It's been a month of Sundays since I did this, so, without further adieu, I present Wednesday Ws.

Who: Chris
What: surprised me
Where: sitting here at the computer
When: Last night
Why: he decided to read this blog. It's always good when he reads it-- it lets him kinda get into my 'head' a bit. Not that I don't tell him the same things I say here, but he says reading things is sometimes easier than hearing them. So, he sat and read the past few entries. The one with my friend and my conversation, the one about Nourishing... then he's all.. "uh, where is today's post?!" but I hadn't written yesterday, so I guess I should write today.
I don't know what he thinks about what he read. But I do know he gets me a lot more than I thought he did.
Today he told me that he doesn't think this will work out. Not because of anything on his part, but because of things I say or the way I am thinking lately.
I'm not sure he's wrong. But I am not sure he's right. I mean, I want this to work. I love him, he loves me (and I know that now), we don't fight about money like most people, we communicate what *I* see as fairly well, and we enjoy each other. So why doesn't this have potential?? Me.
I was talking to a friend who is also going through a divorce right now, and they asked me, "What do you want?". I replied, "I want to love without thinking again. Like I used to."
Is that possible? I don't know if I will ever 'love without thinking' anyone ever again. Or is it just not with Chris? Am I permanently damaged goods now? Never giving that up? I mean, I'm technically AFRAID to give it up-- I still have the emails from EF to Chris and from Chris to EF on my computer. And, the other day, I re-read them. Which only puts me into a horribly sad mood. And yes, I did it to myself. And I'm dumb for doing it. And I have ALL the power to erase those. But, something in me can't. Like I'm afraid of 'forgetting'. Or moving on-- moving on means changing something in a way I don't get to control? Maybe I would finally move on with Chris if I got rid of those. And EF. (I'm seriously contemplating telling her that I need her out of my life-- but we'll see. )

Who: Me
What: ate meat
Where: at my kitchen table
When: last night for dinner
Why: we had the 'mormonaries' (aka: missionaries) over for dinner last night. They know I'm doing the raw vegan thing, but I feel bad forcing others to eat it. So I made ribs. And, lemme tell ya.

It was SUPER delicious.

Man, I miss meat!!! THANKFULLY, my tummy didn't get upset with it, and I feel fine. But, I was back to my shake this morning. mmm. Berries and Flax, nothing better. And snap peas for snack. And Avocados. And all yummy goodness. For lunch, I'm making seasoned yam wedges-- by the way, they taste SO good, I feel like I'm cheating every time I eat them! And I've had a head cold for a week or so-- I especially like the pumpkin-orange goop left in the Kleenex after I eat that! LOL A few chickpeas and hummus and almonds and other veggies to round out lunch-- making me hungry!

Who: Seeley Carpet Cleaners
What: call nearly EVERY month
Where: ???? (doesn't apply)
When: uh. Every month. Keep up, eh?!
Why: to con me into using their cheap-arse carpet cleaning services. I hate professional carpet cleaning-- they do a TERRIBLE job. Me and Safeway's Rug Doctor do 5x a better job thankyouverymuch. HOWEVER, they also do furnaces. For ONCE, when I needed my furnace done, they actually phoned at a convenient time! So, Saturday, my home will be flushed of all germy nasty spores and my furnace will be running like...well... like a furnace!

Who: My girlfriend, my parents, and my brother
What: will be sleeping
Where: in my home
When: from tonight until the weekend is done
Why: Girlfriend has a convention in town and needs a place to sleep and eat. No problem, although, since Chris is officially 'OUT' by tonight, I'll be doing the single-mom thing again and will likely be running around with 3 monkeys every night... to do crap like get valentines made for school... which isn't even held on Valentine's Day... which meant I thought I got out of dumb stuff like that...which means I don't... which means I now will have a million square pieces of Sponge Bob valentines to pick up around the house... and chocolate wrappers... which is only annoying because I don't get to eat any of the chocolate.., because I'm raw vegan...and because Chris won't be giving me a Valentine's present...because I think Valentine's is a stupid holiday... and I've told him not to...which only means he should anyways... although, is he technically my valentine considering I've practically kicked him out?.. Not sure how much fun of a hostess I'm gonna be. LOL.
My parents are only here for a night on their way to a cruise. Yah. nice. I wanna go away. In fact, I was telling Chris that I am seriously contemplating taking a few days off and going somewhere warm. Like, beach-warm. Alone. 100% completely alone. Because I need to get away for a bit. Alas, I have a job.

Who: you guys
What: need to play along'
Where: below in the 'comment section'
When: today, Word Verification Wednesday, of course
Why: because it's fun. And I like reading your funny answers. Not sure what Word Verification Wednesday is? Check out Jillybean at Thou Shalt Not Whine to play along. Good times are had all over bloggyland.

Needing to Nourish

Not many people knew it, but when I posted yesterday's post, it was already determined what I was going to do.

A few days ago, I spoke with Chris on the phone (yah, lame, I agree.. but he was out of town) about everything, and, amidst many tears, told him I needed him to go.

And, I'm happy. I'm not sad, actually. And not in a callous manner-- it's just, Chris has made this decision much easier on me than I anticipated. He knows I need this. He said he could kinda see it coming- in that, he didn't know WHAT I needed, but he knew I needed to change something.

He's totally understanding. Doesn't mean he'll still be around in a month or two or seven... who knows how long it'll take, or if he'll wait for that. If he's not here when I'm done 'finding myself', that's fine too-- we need to find that out. And maybe I won't be 'here' then either. But he understands where I'm at, what I feel, and he wants me to be happy. I was relieved to see his reaction- genuine and loving, honest, and supportive. It's moments like that that make me wonder what the freak is wrong with me to not be totally happy with him. But the fear just doesn't work. Along with other things, that's one of them. But not all. There's a lot of things in there.

He will move out his stuff within the month- there's no 'rush', and he's also out of town for about 3 weeks for business. We'll go back to every other weekends. We'll go back to 'dating'.

We'll. Go. Back.

I feel counter-productive in going, what is perceived as, back. But I need to be there for now. I need to NOT be in a relationship. I need to just be alone. Just me.

On other unrelated notes, the vegan lifestyle has been challenging. In a good way-- I'm really really really conscious of what I put in my body. It takes a lot of planning to eat more healthy, and to make sure that I'm keeping my nutrient levels at their optimal heights. Last night, as we were preparing dinner, I was mentioning to LL and Chris about how we need to view food differently. Now, food is a fuel. (I know, I know, we've all heard that a million times, but this time I'm LIVING it) Food is occasionally used for celebration or comfort, but in general, we're sticking to 'nourishment' in this household.

Maybe I should change my "motto" for the year. I mean, I WON'T, but maybe I should add a word.

Nourish.

nour⋅ish –verb (used with object)

1.	to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth.

2.	to cherish, foster, keep alive, etc.: "He had long nourished the dream of living abroad."

3.	to strengthen, build up, or promote: to nourish discontent among the workers; to nourish the arts in one's community.

Insert ANY of those highlighted/coloured words into the blanks. Where I would normally put 'nourish': I need to _____ the body. I need to _____ my spirit. I need to ______ my children in their growth and love. I need to ______ my relationships. And I need to _____ MYSELF-- who I am inside.

I am loving how I feel, and have gotten past the tummy aches and headaches. I know I need to up my water intake, but that's coming. Making burgers out of seeds and 'live' food is so foreign to me, but it was SUPER yummy. Or making 'soup' that isn't heated-- different, but tasty. I don't feel any guilt about what I snack on or when, I don't have many cravings I can't satisfy. Although, Chris told me he had McDonald's Breakfast. And lemme tell you-- I love me a McGriddle and greasy hashbrown! mmm

But I'm doing good. And I feel good. On top of it, the scale moved. (FINALLY). So, so far, real good.

I just wanted this Hemp plant for the seeds, I swear!

So, it has officially began.

I am a vegan! AHHHH.
well, I'm eating like one. I don't know if there's a way to be officially certified, inducted into the status of "Vegan", but hey, one day at a time. In my attempt to 'Make the Change', I figure that eating whole, healthy foods is a good change to make.

I went grocery shopping last night with the kids, as Chris is out of town for 2 weeks for business. I loved buying foods I've never bought before. I loved having a cart FULL (yes, brimming over the top) of veggies and fruits and nuts and seeds and legumes. Of course, the kids need 'regular' lunches-- so there were eggs and bread and milk and drink boxes in there too. But in general, I have NEVER been more 'proud' to walk through the checkout. Knowing, no matter WHAT someone saw come out of my cart, if they had seen the show, they'd be impressed. lol

Today I'm off to a health-food store, though. Safeway doesn't sell hemp seeds or agave nectar. Apparently, hemp is a good protein. ??? yah, little Mormon girl over here-- never bought any marajuana-related products. I'll repent after, no worries. lol

My energy is still good, but my belly kinda hurts. Me and the bathroom are getting much more reaquainted as my body cleanses the extra guck out. Lots of fiberous veggies and whole foods- it's awesome feeling my body actually USE the food. I had a headache the first day, but that might just be plain old sugar withdrawls.

I'll keep you updated on this. Tonight's dinner looks really yummy!

Issues Episodes: Weight loss

Trying to explain this one isn't easy. In fact, there's LOTS of people I know who struggle with weight. Lots of people who have lost weight, who have wanted to lose weight.

This isn't about that.
This is about fear.

I can't gain weight. I mean, I CAN, physically, but mentally, gaining weight would be the death of me.

Which is partly why I'm here today. Dying mentally.
First off- no, I am not bulimic. Someone asked that. Frankly, that's gross, and I like my teeth too much for that.
Secondly, I'm not anorexic. Cha. Right. I like food.

When I get sad, I eat. Junk. When I get sadder, I don't eat. ANYTHING. it's just not something I want to do, find joy in, or remember needs doing. Food is so-- so-- low on my priorities. Blah blah, I'm well aware of health risks associated with that. Blah. Tell that to my body, that LITERALLY dejects food that comes in more quantity than a few snap peas and maybe a glass of club soda. Yah. My diet for the past few days.

And yet. THAT diet, I am still the same weight I was on December 1st.

Worst of all, I have TRIED to "Make the Change". I am training for a marathon. I should have dropped a pound or 20 in the past 7 weeks.

Nope. not one. Not even 1/2.

1) it's winter. We all put on weight in the winter, as it's a primal reaction to the cold weather.
2) I changed birth control to a hormone-based IUD. no, I don't need birth control.. I like not having a period... or so they assure me will happen eventually.
3) I'm building muscle
4) I'm stressed
5) I'm not sleeping properly
6) my diet, although it's not horrible, isn't great

pick one. Let's blame the stubborn scale on that.

What number will make me happy? 130? 120? 100?

Alas. It's a number. I'm not dumb-- I know these things. But you don't get it. You don't' get what it mentally does to me. Am I obsessed with the scale? yes. I spent nearly 6 months being TOLD to be obsessed about what the scale said. Being judged based on what the scale said. I am STILL judged based on that scale... I am still on TV, I am still followed by people who want to know how my weight issues are going. In fact, the BIGGEST google-search word for this blog is "Debbie X-Weighted". So, naturally I'm a bit worried about it. I may have chosen to bring the TV show into my life, but I was unaware of what that all entailed. I did not think it would change the way I view weight-gain and weight-loss. I didn't think it would follow me so long after the airing.

And yes, I'd still do it again. I needed it. And I like the attention from others. I like that others felt inspired by me. I like that people are curious about how I'm doing today. I just don't like the pressure I put on myself.

Red Bull, Xendarine, ephedrine and caffeine are my vices.

Am I worth anything if I'm not thin and skinny and tight? If we stay together, my need to want to please Chris (and me) drives me to push myself to be a person I don't think I can PHYSICALLY ever be.

I think I'm pretty, I think I have a lot to offer mentally and spiritually and emotionally. Physically?

I need to keep up with Mrs. Jones down the street. To be thin like her. Thin like the girl beside me at church. Thin like my friend. My sister. My daughter.. PICK SOMEONE. I need to be thinner than me.

Do these pictures inspire me? -yes. Are they realistic inspirations? - somewhat. I made them for fun initially. But there's something much deeper there. I am thankful you don't see how I look at those photoshopped pictures. I am thankful you don't see how I look at myself in the mirror.

Is it too much to ask?!

Running to Catch Up?!

Muse (myz)

n.

1. Greek Mythology Any of the nine daughters of Mnemosyne and Zeus, each of whom presided over a different art or science.

2. muse

a. A guiding spirit.

b. A source of inspiration.

3. muse A poet.



Yep. I got nothin'!!!!

I have so much to catch up on, but it's kinda like laundry. After a while, with so much to catch up on, you simply CAN'T get it done without having a constant stream of further work. I mean, should I try to catch up on telling all the gruesome stories of the holiday antics, but I'd be here for weeks. And that's too overwhelming.

Instead, we'll pretend the festivities with family and friends didn't happen (which they DID, and they were fabulous) and just go to the present time.
School's back in session. And I'm TIRED!!
I have three full-time new kids who are young, and they're taking up a lot of my days with cuddles and diapers. I finally got all the Christmas stuff put away and my house is STARTING to get cleaned from the 2-week hiatus from serious cleaning, aka holidays! But the dayhome is taking more of my daily 'free'time, so I hope blogging isn't too harshly affected. Oh how I miss rambling!

Our ward (congregation) split again and we had our first Sunday together last week. It's still quite large, and young, but it's a good ward. I'm the music director (read: I direct the congregation through the sacrament meeting hymns). Good calling. Not too demanding, every Sunday, and doesn't conflict with Relief Society --- the only adult-time I get during the week!
Because GV night is NOT adult time, clearly! lol (although, GVs, I have missed you so these past few weeks!!)

I have my first night of counselling again tonight. It's been a while since I've seen my counsellor, so it'll be good to catch up. I don't know what to say or where to start, but that's what she's there for, right?! :) Chris has asked numerous times to move in, or has made mention of stuff like that, and I, for some reason, just can't agree to it yet. Don't get me wrong, I'm LOVING the time we're spending together, and the changes he's made. I'm happy with everything, but my fear holds me back. And I hate fear. So we will see what tonight's talk holds.

I am in a fight with my treadmill though. I'm already almost finished 5 weeks of training for the marathon, and I haven't dropped a single pound! Thankfully, during Christmas, I didn't gain anything either. But still, not a single eensy pound has dropped! And, after running a whopping 9 miles on Saturday (and living to tell about it!), you'd think my body would start to realize that carrying extra pounds is kinda counterproductive to the running business.

So, instead, I continue through the week, and will be running 10 miles this weekend. HOW I'm going to do it, I don't know- seeing as I have the kids alone this weekend and can't get out running since Chris is out of town-- therefore, he can't watch the kids while I'm gone for a few hours. Treadmill, here I come. Boo.

*if you, too, are wanting to get in shape, or have made a New Year's Resolution to do something active, check out the "Be-Fit" blog on the sidebar. You're only a few days behind, but it's not too late to start (and sign up if you're in the southern AB area in March)*

I think it's sad how tired I am. It's only the first week back to 'regular', and I'm ready for a vacation!!!!!!

Run Run Rudolph!

It's midway through week 2 of training.

I haven't missed yet. (okay okay, so what's 2 weeks of training!? Seriously?!)

I'm proud of myself for not missing yet. These first two weeks are seriously easy-- on the grand scale. I mean, what's a measly 3 miles compared to 26.2 miles (the race amount)?! Some days I really REALLY don't want to run. But I remind myself that if I can't convince myself to get on the treadmill for a simple 1/2 hour run, how the heck do I expect to do a 5 HOUR run!? I mean, let's be serious here-- if I can't do 3 miles, I'm not good enough to do a marathon.

And don't tell me I'm not good enough. That just fuels me.

So I run.

Truth be told, I run less because of the marathon itself, and more because I want to lose weight. I could care less how healthy my arteries and heart are. I mean, that's nice and all. But I just. don't. care. I don't care what running is doing to my knees or ankles or lungs or joints or spleen. I just know it makes lean bodies and tight bums.. and, let's be honest here, why else would I be running!!!?

No, I'm purely in it for the vanity. And that's the part that pushes me to keep running. Sure sure, I'll go to the marathon. it's a good 'goal'. Running JUST to lose weight won't be enough of a reason for me to continue (although, it should be!). And, if I do my daily training, NO MATTER HOW SUCKY I AM AT IT, at least, if I can't make it through the marathon come April, I'll know that I didn't ever miss a training day, and I had no 'excuse' for not being trained enough. I know me. I know that skipping even ONE day will do one of two things...

1. Skipping one will make it easier to skip another one down the road. To find a lame excuse after lame excuse. And, seriously, if I'm going to skip a run, it best be because I'm in a hospital bed. Dying. Of something life-threatening. Or a colonoscopy. through my mouth.
   No wasting 'skipped run days' on "I DON'T FEEL LIKE RUNNING" excuses! That's just sissy.
   
   
2. If I don't make it to the marathon, or I don't make it THROUGH the marathon, I'll only blame "December 18th" for my failed goal. The elusive day I didn't run when I should have. When I could have. No, I will NOT make myself have a crutch when I don't need one. Isnt' there a saying, "No other success can compensate for failure in the roam". :)
   

And I'm competitive.
Against myself. Against people who think I can't do this. And against people who have done this and have shown that there is no excuse strong enough to keep it from happening. If THEY can do this, I can. And should.

Running 6 miles on Saturday was one of the best feelings yet. Sure, it may still be 20 miles away from the TRUE marathon length. But for the first week, I'll take that sense of accomplishment and run with it. (har har) It's a GREAT feeling to finish the day's run. To feel like I reached another mini-goal. That I accomplished something great in spite of not wanting to.

So I run for that feeling.

But, truly, I just want the bum. Let's be honest.

It Just Snow Funny!

("On the other hand, the neighbours keep planting nice, big trees next to us")

("Eggplant Casserole tonight?" "Why, Yes!")

("First she says go out, now she says come in!")

("Snow Sharks?" "That guy's a goner.")

("Mom and Dad don't value hard work and originality as much as they say they do")

("You have to admit, it's slowed down the traffic on our road.")

("You don't like my 'Snowman House Of Horror,' do you?")

("I think we'd better get that kid to a psychologist")

My friend, Genkibond, reminded me of the simple joys I draw on in cold, blustery, yucky, slushy days. With running in the snow, I'd like to be able to draw back on images like these to make the run that much more enjoyable.

I mean, you could all learn my routes, and then set up 'mock' scenes (as seen here)

and periodically change them up each week so I don't get bored of the same ones.

OR

I should invent something like the Ipod, only, like glasses. Where you can run AND watch a movie/scenes. I'd upload Calvin and Hobbes like candy! OOOhh-- Happy Candy Friday!

I've found that I have a way better run when I'm distracted from the PAIN ALL OVER by something good on the TV. Of course, this is because treadmill running is BRUTALLY boring! And Dora just doesn't cut it ALL the time!!!

I'm really really hoping Santa brings me an Ipod for Christmas. I have used Chris' in the past, but he changed all the settings, and now my cool country music, my rocking religious tunes, and my stellar showtunes are no longer on the playlist. geesh, how rude, hey? ;) So yah, if Santa doesn't get one for me, I will splurge for myself and get one Boxing Day. I can't run an hour and longer with my own THOUGHTS!! GAHHHH!!! kill me now!! Can you imagine how crazy I'd be at the end of this training!?!?! Tired, sore, sickly thin (here's hoping), out of breath, and having 5-hour long conversations with myself! yikes! And you thought I was crazy already! I'm not crazy. Yah, right. You know, nobody asked you. Well, nobody else wants to tell you the truth to your ugly face. Oh yah, jerk? Take THIS!!!

Early to Bed and Early to Rise

.... makes me less tired and reduces my thighs.



No? That's not how it goes? Well, it was my mantra on the treadmill this morning!!!!

I did it already.
3 miles done for the day. Man am I glad for a treadmill- as the -15 degrees and slush and snow doesn't much appeal to my running self. On Saturday (the BIG runs), I'll go outside, but I'm grateful for the TV show. After doing the bootcamp in -42 (with windchill), I have some good 'keep-warm' gear and running boots/shoesy thingamajigs.

That's a good feeling- knowing that running for the day is not still on the 'to-do' list. I also think that it will help my energy levels through the day (at least, that's the big experiment). And I am hoping that my diet will be better too, as I find that when I exercise, I eat less and feel bad about eating junk.

Albeit, I've already had two timbits since my run ended 1/2 hour ago! lol. Okay, when the dayhome kid brings them, what am I to do!? ;)

I also had a dayhome child come over last night at 11:30 pm!!! Mom went into labour, so he slept here. So excited to see a new baby, but sad that this means Gray will be here even less as Mom takes maternity leave. Thank goodness for January 1st- I'll have THREE full-time children, with a possible fourth! that will make things SO much easier around here. I have to find someone to drive to get Bear from school, though, as I don't have enough carseats to safely transport him every day. I may pay another mom at the school to do it. Money in, money out.

Although, my freezer is getting a good cleaning lately! Those packages of stewing ground beef ribs that I didn't know what to do with-- now baby, WATCH OUT! (no really. Watch out. Could be poisonous, and quite frankly, I wouldn't eat it if I had the choice!!! ;) )



Last night I was "sad". You ever get those days? Where you're just sad? no reason?
I lost it on my kids, which is never fair, and...
get ready for this one...

I ALMOST fell asleep in the middle of Prison Break!!! What is WRONG with me!?!!!! (Don't answer that, dumb dumbs!)
Nothing a good night's sleep didn't fix and a morning run.