Issues Episodes: Weight loss

Trying to explain this one isn't easy. In fact, there's LOTS of people I know who struggle with weight. Lots of people who have lost weight, who have wanted to lose weight.

This isn't about that.
This is about fear.

I can't gain weight. I mean, I CAN, physically, but mentally, gaining weight would be the death of me.

Which is partly why I'm here today. Dying mentally.
First off- no, I am not bulimic. Someone asked that. Frankly, that's gross, and I like my teeth too much for that.
Secondly, I'm not anorexic. Cha. Right. I like food.

When I get sad, I eat. Junk. When I get sadder, I don't eat. ANYTHING. it's just not something I want to do, find joy in, or remember needs doing. Food is so-- so-- low on my priorities. Blah blah, I'm well aware of health risks associated with that. Blah. Tell that to my body, that LITERALLY dejects food that comes in more quantity than a few snap peas and maybe a glass of club soda. Yah. My diet for the past few days.

And yet. THAT diet, I am still the same weight I was on December 1st.

Worst of all, I have TRIED to "Make the Change". I am training for a marathon. I should have dropped a pound or 20 in the past 7 weeks.

Nope. not one. Not even 1/2.

1) it's winter. We all put on weight in the winter, as it's a primal reaction to the cold weather.
2) I changed birth control to a hormone-based IUD. no, I don't need birth control.. I like not having a period... or so they assure me will happen eventually.
3) I'm building muscle
4) I'm stressed
5) I'm not sleeping properly
6) my diet, although it's not horrible, isn't great

pick one. Let's blame the stubborn scale on that.

What number will make me happy? 130? 120? 100?

Alas. It's a number. I'm not dumb-- I know these things. But you don't get it. You don't' get what it mentally does to me. Am I obsessed with the scale? yes. I spent nearly 6 months being TOLD to be obsessed about what the scale said. Being judged based on what the scale said. I am STILL judged based on that scale... I am still on TV, I am still followed by people who want to know how my weight issues are going. In fact, the BIGGEST google-search word for this blog is "Debbie X-Weighted". So, naturally I'm a bit worried about it. I may have chosen to bring the TV show into my life, but I was unaware of what that all entailed. I did not think it would change the way I view weight-gain and weight-loss. I didn't think it would follow me so long after the airing.

And yes, I'd still do it again. I needed it. And I like the attention from others. I like that others felt inspired by me. I like that people are curious about how I'm doing today. I just don't like the pressure I put on myself.

Red Bull, Xendarine, ephedrine and caffeine are my vices.

Am I worth anything if I'm not thin and skinny and tight? If we stay together, my need to want to please Chris (and me) drives me to push myself to be a person I don't think I can PHYSICALLY ever be.

I think I'm pretty, I think I have a lot to offer mentally and spiritually and emotionally. Physically?

I need to keep up with Mrs. Jones down the street. To be thin like her. Thin like the girl beside me at church. Thin like my friend. My sister. My daughter.. PICK SOMEONE. I need to be thinner than me.

Do these pictures inspire me? -yes. Are they realistic inspirations? - somewhat. I made them for fun initially. But there's something much deeper there. I am thankful you don't see how I look at those photoshopped pictures. I am thankful you don't see how I look at myself in the mirror.