Issues Episodes: EF back in my life

(Written Thursday)

EF's been a person in my life since we met years ago. At that time, we were both young mothers with young kids in Soccer Camp. She was friendly and fun. Our kids got along well. And I ran a dayhome and she needed a new one.

It worked for the both of us. Money for me, security for her kids, relief for her. *Apparently, it also worked into a bang-buddy for Chris.* (cue bitter sentence end-- actually, who are we kidding? there's a lot of 'bitter' in this one. Get over it. and yes, I'm saying that to you AND me)

She became one of my closest friends. I saw her EVERY day. I grew to love her kids soooo much. I told her things I didn't really tell anyone else. I trusted her with so many facets of my marriage. Told her the bad, the good, and the great parts of Chris (*things she apparently needed to find out for herself?*) I confided in her in a way I don't confide in my friends anymore. I'm now afraid to tell my friends anything about my interactions with Chris. I can't vent, can't share ideas.

She has ruined friendships for me from the way they used to be. I have some INCREDIBLE friends. INCREDIBLE. But, at one time in my life, she was part of that list. Now I am too afraid that, just around the corner, another friend will slap me in the face as equally blatantly and painfully.

I bit off more than I could chew, and built a home I couldn't afford. We needed out of the house. EF wanted a bigger, nicer home.
Again, it worked out, and she and her hubby bought the BRAND-NEW, (beautiful, dream home) house that I lovingly built and designed. I didn't want to abuse or lose a friendship, so I charged her the EXACT price of the home we bought it for. No profit, although, we COULD HAVE made nearly 100,000$ if we sold it publicly. Nope. This just felt "right" to me.

I have always thought she was beautiful.
*Apparently, so did Chris.* She was on my list of people from yesterday's post I wanted to be like.

And when it all went unravelling in front of me, I missed her friendship dearly. I missed her kids. I missed seeing her daily. I hated driving out of my community, as I was FORCED to see my beautiful home with her inside. I couldn't get away from her, and I wanted to. But I didn't want to.

Then I dealt with a million pieces of shrapnel. I put what I could together, and discarded what I couldn't. Albeit scarred, I got better. Until I read Chris' journal, and found out that his disinterest in contacting EF was a lie. He wanted to see her again. To sleep with her again.

I told him to get out. We were done.



****
I have forgiven both of them. I have 'played' with her since. I have enjoyed being around her again. I have cried with her, and I look forward to having her back in my life.
Today, she could call. She could bring her children back into my home. I feel peace and joy when they're here.

She needs a friend. Someone who understands the situation and understands her pain. She needs me. I can't turn away someone who needs my help. I won't knowingly EVER do that.

If Chris is here, how do I know I'm not putting myself back at the same risk? How do I know she's telling the truth when she says she doesn't want to sleep with Chris? When he tells me he's sooooo done with that, how do I know he's telling the truth when he has already lied to me (albeit a long time ago) about his desire not to sleep with her? How do I know they're not currently sleeping together?! How can I deal with this constant paranoia, still have Chris in my life, and still have EF in my life?


*****
(written Friday)

Funny.
Today she called. Needed me to watch her son. And I was, of course, fine with that. Enjoyed the phone conversation, hung up, and proceeded to get all anxious again. WTF?!

I went and put on makeup. Obsessed over what pants to wear so I don't look fat. Obsessed over how to do my hair without making it look 'done'. Jewellery? No. Earrings? uh..too much. Then I cleaned. ANYTHING that could be seen from the front door.

Just.
to.
impress.
her.

To show her that I've got my crap together. That I'm doing well. That everything in my life is pretty and clean and put together. I even wiped the wood with wood-cleaner. So it was shiny.

Pathetic.
And then she arrived. And everything was good.

She'll be calling this evening to tell me if I'm watching her kids this week-- looks likely. Is this my subconscious "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" thing?!! I can't even tell you which side of that equation she's on!

Still, the funniest part about this all: WHO CARES IF THEY DO!? (have another affair)

Really...
The worst that could happen is that they have another affair. So? Good. Answers TONNES of questions quite permanently. I mean, what am I so afraid of? Losing Chris? (uh, do I WANT someone who'd willingly hurt me TWICE and abuse my forgiveness?! Besides. Big deal- I've lived without him once, I perfectly well know I'd be fine if I did it again!) Alternately, what, I lose EF? Big EF'n deal. LOL

So really. I'm dumb. He couldn't hurt me twice with an affair. I did so well in the first one, I'm not really afraid of any others. Not INVITING of others, but that's my biggest fear, and honestly, it's a dumb fear. If I *HAVE* to fear something, I should fear the unknown. Fear mighties. But fearing another affair?? Something I've been through and 'survived'?! That's just moronic.