Wishing for Daisy Halos - When God Closes a Door

We went to the house today, again. Always. It's kinda a new past-time we've developed. So yah, they were putting up the shingles. The other day, we went for an "unofficial" walk through the house. They had the windows on and the walls done and all that, so it was like walking through a skeleton. Pretty neat, but I can't wait until it's REALLY done.

First things first, sell this house. Man, I hate keeping the house so dang clean. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE having a clean house, but Chris doesn't do dick all around here and so I'm left to do it ALL. It's getting tiresome, especially when I have to pick up his clothes and put the dishes he used away-- like he can't do THAT himself. Don't vacuum, don't wash walls, don't do laundry-- but for heaven's sake! Put your dirty clothes in the hamper-- that's not too difficult.

We had our first showing today, though, and naive as it is, I am still hopeful that the lady will put in an offer tomorrow. Not likely, but I'm keeping my hopes up. the longer I have to keep this house clean, the worse my headache's gonna be.

I thought I had something profound and great to share. But I don't. pbbt.

Oh yah,.. except for this. GO FLAMERS GO! :)

Wishing For Daisy Halos- My Epiphanies Never Cease

I had a few moments. A few, brief breaths when I was able to see myself in a totally new, different way. As though I was able to physically separate my sight with my body, and watch myself in situations. I'm sure, had I been more aware, I would have noticed a little lightbulb turning on above my head.



It's been seven years. I've dreamed about him, remembered him, anguished over "what ifs" and "if onlys", cried over him. I've done things that I only did because of his influence in my life, either when we were together, or when we weren't. He evoked more out of me in the way of feelings than anyone other than Chris has ever managed... in the good AND bad ways.

I hated it. I hated thinking about him nearly every day. Wondering what he was doing now. Wondering if he thought of me with the same unfinished business attitude. Always seeing something to remind me of the US that once was. I managed to shove all the bad things aside, and long in some twisted manner for the things that were good. And there weren't that many.

And then, I got married. I compared the two, realizing just how similar they are. It actually bothered me! What bothered me the most was finally wanting to get over him, and not being able to stop thinking about him incessantly.

The worst was at night. Laying with Chris at my side, holding my hand, and yet, I was dreaming of him. Of yesteryears. And the dreams weren't pleasant. I would be cheating on Chris or killing the guys wife or something horrible, and I'd only wake up feeling unrested and guilty for things I couldn't control. It was so bothersome. I hated dreaming.

Then, in Vancouver, I saw him. He didn't see me, and I tried not to let anyone else see me look his way. I felt like everyone KNEW I had thought this much of him, so I didn't want them to think I wasn't "over" it. When I was.

I saw him. And, although he was giving service to someone, the Lord heard my prayers and showed him to me in a true colour. I didn't hurt. I didn't want to talk to him. In fact, for a brief second, I was nearly angry at him. I was disgusted at him, at myself for letting him affect me this much. In that same, split second, he was gone. In every sense.

I haven't dreamed those dreams since. I haven't thought of him more than maybe once. I told Chris about it when I got home, and how good it felt to be rid of those feelings of pain and anger and whatever else. It felt kinda weird telling him all this, but we talk about everything and I really value that in our marriage. He made me feel good, though, when he said he was happy FOR ME to have that moment in my life. The clarity at last.

Seven years. If it took the Lord 7 earth years to answer that prayer, I HOPE He'll show me pity and answer my most recent prayers a lot sooner than that. Seven years-- only 4 left?

I am finally free.

Wishing For Daisy Halos- And I've Been Working Like A Dog

So, the past few days from getting home have been tumultuous. Actually, I'm not really sure that's the proper word to use in this instance. Let's try industrious. Whatever. Point is, they've been busy.


Apart from the incessant laundry and normal homemaker kind of jobs that are ALWAYS there, I've had to get the house ready for today-- the day it went on the market! WHOO HOO. (back to that in a sec)

Yah, so I'm FINALLY at the end of the laundry pile, and although I have a few loads to fold, at least there's no dirty clothes piling up in dingy corners. I have cleaned this house like CRAZY. And it feels amazing to walk in to the house and have it be soo dang clean. WOW. Yesterday I rented a carpet cleaner and did the entire house. No more cat pee, no more ground-in cheerios... just a nice, clean carpet. (for this week, at least) My friend took Elysia for the day and Jeremy just totted around on my back in a backpack I have. After walking around downtown Vancouver with him in a backpack, I realized just how much he enjoyed it and how easy it was to keep him amused that way. I'm DEFINITELY going to keep that thing more handy!

My back is killing me though. While carpet cleaning, I managed to dust and put away all those little "nicknacky" pieces that kinda make a home look cluttered. I also washed walls, arranged furniture in a more pleasing configuration and all that kind of good stuff. I have to reiterate-- this place looks freeking awesome!

So, today i finished the rest of the house, washed the floors... etc. Our realtor (my Aunt, actually) came over tonight and we did all the paper work and listed the house. I wanted to list it a little higher based on our property assessment, but based on what OTHERS are selling for, we had to bring our asking price down a bit. Hopefully we don't get too bad an offer. And hopefully that's soon, because man, I don't know how long I can KEEP the house this nice! I feel like such a boring Mom!



So, we drove by the new house today too. They were inserting the windows as we drove up. It's so cool to watch them, but I'm sure the builders were hating us just WATCHING them. Our neighbours drove up, and smiled at each other when they saw me get out of my car and take a picture. I'm sure they did the same thing. But, although I didn't talk to them, I did notice that they have two children. One looked to be about LL's age, possibly a TAD older, and the other one looked to be about Bear's age, like, within a month or so. That's pretty exciting to me.

Then, after the realtor and stuff, I went out with the girls for our Wednesday activity night. We went swimming at the wavepool, and it was great. But after we went to Krispy Kreme doughnuts. What all the fuss is, is totally beyond me. They're doughnuts! Anyways, we stayed there until well after they had closed, just talking and laughing our butts off! (which was a good thing because those doughnuts are COVERED in sugar!) It was great to be without the kids for the longest time in over a month. Now that Bear's taking a bottle, I should do that more often!

Okay, I'm OBVIOUSLY wayyyy too in the mood for talking, so I should probably end this blog and write more useless crap tomorrow. :)

Wishing For Daisy Halos - (no title 7)

Alright, alright, back to "popular" demand (he he, Hi emmie), I fingered it would be about time to write about my trip "home".
It was so nice. I didn't write at all, because I determined that I had a lot of other things to do, than to sit and talk about them here. no offence. But, another issue was that I come on the computer late at night, when everyone's sleeping, because it's practically my only ME time. And, there was so much to say, but I was so tired after chasing my OWN kids around without spousal help, I couldn't find the energy to write.
But, now that I'm sitting here, I feel overwhelmed when I think about everything i want to say about it all.

There's the whole thing about family dynamics and how often I noted people biting their tongues to "keep the peace".

There's my experience at the temple. good, and bad.

There's time spent with friends -- the good and bad about that too!

there's just a lot of little, probably insignificant things, thoughts I had, closures of sorts, just odd things that make a mountain out of a molehill.

So, the main one I want to address, was how wonderful it was to just be home. To be around people I love, my family. To make great memories, to watch such special moments occour in the family-- Uncle and JJ blessing together, the look in my mother's eyes at his setting apart. The pride in Uncle's face when he walked into that celestial room where his whole (endowed) family was waiting to greet him and hug him. I liked watching the look in my siblings eyes when I was cheering them on at games or track meets, I liked watching them love my kids.

I took a million ADORABLE pictures of my kids, but the pictures I took with my heart... those ones, they bring me smiles without the use of an album!

Now, I think I will haunt all your journals and finally reply to the myriad of messages I've read while i was gone.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - (no title 6)

So, because of the wonderfully loooong hockey game, I'm off to Vancouver for the week. So, some of you I'll see in person, others of you will just cry yourselves to sleep when you can't use my posts. Cuz I doubt that I'll be posting too much anyways.

Went to the temple today. Much to my daughter's dismay, I left her at my sister's house. She proceeded to "run away" at 7 am. Lucky my sister heard the door slam, and by the time she put on shoes, my 3 year old had made it a good 4 blocks on a busy street-- running down the middle of it!

Apparently, she was going to go to the temple with "mommy". how dang cute, huh? A little impish and troublesome, but still cute. See, every night we pray together that we can go to the temple soon and be a family forever. I guess soon to her was TODAY!! I can't help but love that. I REALLY hope that Chris was paying attention when she said she wanted to go to the temple! :)

But the trip was incredible. Researched a few things that someone told me about our temples (a non-member anti-Mormon) and found out for myself the real truth. Of course, lies and misunderstandings. They totally missed a bunch of points and symbols. IT'S SYMBOLS, Retard!!!

Anyways, I need to go there more. I really do. I'm glad I get to go to Seattle's temple NEXT Saturday, since I've only EVER done work in the Cardston one. So, it should be neat and different. And nice to be there with my siblings. Anyways.

Have a good week! talk to you if I find the time! :)

Wishing For Daisy Halos - (no title 5)

From the outside looking in, things are fairly cloudy. I hate that. I hate knowing, but in a sence, I don't.

I hate being omniscient, I hate thinking I'm omniscient, I hate people who think they're omniscient. I'm using the word omniscient too much!

What can you say when everything you should say will be contorted and manipulated? When they don't respect you? When they don't want to hear it in the first place? When everything you say will be hurtful and you're only trying to be loving.

And then it will never be forgotten. Like; that first kiss, that girl in school who was so mean to you, the friend who forgot all the times you were by her side, and then when you aren't there for ONE, "you're not a real friend."

I don't need people like that. But I gravitate them towards me. I seem to need them, in some sick, twisted way my spirit won't explain.

But the others, who are already in my life, who can't ever leave my life. it's those who I cry for, who I lose sleep over, who I want to shake 'till they see the truth according to Debbi. Those who overeact, those who misjudge, those who are too quick to point fingers and those who aren't quick enough and they get lost in the rabble.

I need to show those people my charity. my unconditional love. I just don't know how, and I'm too afraid of being rejected. Too afraid that they won't see it as such. That it doesn't matter. And it does. to me. This feeling... .>this< one, right here in my hands. I need to show it to them, to throw it at them, to MAKE them feel it. The truth. According to Debbi. Not worth too much to some.

Wishing For Daisy Halos- My Soundtrack

Hrm. I heard a new song today that totally reminded me of, myself, actually! It's called "back of the bottom drawer", and it was on kick it or pick it, a radio game on the country station I listen to EVERY night. I'm VERY opinionated about my 7:00 listening schedule!

Anyways, talks about a box buried in the back of the bottom drawer, filled with things from old loves. I have a box like that. not a big box (shoe box, actually) but it's in my storage. Yah. I always wondered if it bothered Chris, because he knows that I have it.

I've kept it because I think it will be neat to show LL pictures of my exes and trinkets and stuff when she's dating or old enough to care. If she cares at all. But still, things like that, my mother never showed me, and I was always curious. You know? It's too sad for me to throw away pictures, even if some of them bring back bad memories, and way too sad to throw out poems and little stuff like that.

I wondered if holding on to that box is someway hindering my ability to let go of certain things; ie, mistakes, feelings, guilt...etc...

But the song said it perfectly. it said (i don't quote this, mind you), that I hold on to the box not because I long to be in the past, but because I want to stay where I am today. every little thing in that box makes me who I am now... who I am for Chris. If it weren't for Beau, I wouldn't know unconditional love. If not for BAMM, I wouldn't know loyalty. If not for DJ, I wouldn't know communication. If not for Watson, I wouldn't know entertainment. If not for Mitch, I wouldn't know determination. if not for Poncho, I wouldn't know honesty. All those things I can have with Chris.

Wow. That's really therapeutic, to sit here and type out each guy who played a part in my pre-married life (a bigger part, not some short part). To some of those, it came really easy to say what thing I learned from them. I could have listed a few for more than one of those guys. For some of the others, it took a while to think of a positive word! LOL.

I'm moving on. Somehow I'm going to stop dreaming what I dream, stop thinking of people I think of. And enjoy now. Because I *do* enjoy it, when I'm here in mind. And I *don't* enjoy when I'm not.

Wishing For Daisy Halos- I Stink

No seriously, I actually stink. Like, smell. Wreak. have an odour. Emit nastyness... STINK.

we just came home from a mini night out. We went to dinner and then stepped into the lounge at the restaurant to watch the hockey game. So, literally, I smell like cigarette smoke.

I totally understand why the church advises date night for married couples. I mean, it was so simple, and we COULD have come home to watch the game, but just being around adults, talking about non-teletubby type things, it's so relaxing.

It's also good to know that I can still carry a relatively good conversation. And I can still make my man want me. Tee hee. Hey, it's VERY easy to just get into the rhythm of living and forgetting to impress the ONE person who you WILL be with once the kids move on. That's important. So, flirting like we were dating and not ONCE worrying about the kids is great.

Except, I've got this killer headache I've had since before dinner. It sux.

We drove to the house today. And the cribbing is down and the foundation poured! So, I'm totally expecting that the next time we head out there, there will be the starts to the first floor in framing. From here, things SHOULD go pretty quickly.

Oh, but not quick enough. I'd move in tomorrow, just to be rid this headache. I have horrible TMJ and I have to wear a mouthguard to bed at night in order to help it. But lately it hasn't been helping, and I've been suffering headaches and jaw soreness for a while. It's really bothering me. In fact, I bought that stupid mouth guard for a few hundred dollars, it should stinking work.

Saw the guy who proposed that he and his wife and Chris and I swing. He works at the restaurant. Kinda weird remembering that when we talk to him, but whatever. Not a perfect Mormon by ANY standards! (I guess, who really is?)

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Excommunicated

Hrmm...
WAS in a good mood because of the Hockey game tonight. But then I came online and found out that I was kicked out of a community because... well, because I "wasn't" their religion.

you see, after those Jehovah's Witnesses came to my door that day and I shut the door in their faces, I decided that my angst against that religion wasn't fair or valid. I mean, every religion has people who are jerks and retards. So, I went to a JW community online and read about them. Then, it brought on a lot of questions. Long story short, I joined so I could get my questions answered by people that AREN"T jerks and retards. I even talked to my Stake President about it at my temple recommend interview, and told him all this. He said it was a good thing for me to do, as long as I didn't go too far. Which wasn't even ever an issue to me-- I'm perfectly happy as a Mormon, and I wasn't "investigating" their church as to join it-- just understand it.

Everything was wonderful. They were kind, and respected my own beliefs and I did everything I could NOT to disrespect theirs, no matter how different (or wrong) I may have thought it to be. Whatever. Point is, albeit unbeknownst to me, the other day I ALSO joined another "JW" community when I was invited but this community was labelled for those who had fallen away from the church. I joined, and thought "Fair enough, I could ALSO ask them about the church, because there's two sides to every coin."

yah, well, that got people upset. yada yada, I'm taken OFF the original community.

I don't know why the heck I am so hurt by it all. I hate people hating me. And the worst thing is-- if I had WANTED to be rude and get removed from the membership roles, I would have been. Those who know me KNOW I'm not one to hold my tongue when I have something I want to say. And they know I won't stand to be religiously attacked. (of course, except when the retards are at my door and I am too afraid to shut it on their faces). So, if I was TRYING to be rude, believe me, I WOULD have been rude!!! So, this slap in my face sux the most.

Part of me wants to attack their whole system--- the things I learned, the way I've been treated. Everything. However, the more better part of me realizes that hey-- I'm NOT JW, and I don't have to be allowed into their community. I was "lucky". I also think that attacking them is totally against who I want to be. Maybe not who I *AM*, but who I strive to be. For the most part, they seemed just like LDS people-- striving their hardest to follow teachings they know to be true and to overcome their own personal obstacles. They were kind, loving people.

I think that's why I'm sad. I think I was starting to see them as people I respected and felt something of a bond with. I feel like I've kinda lost a few friends.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - (no title 4)

So sad about Sister Hinkley. Odd, typing that made me feel like I should call her "president hinkley" or something grander than "sister" the way we call all women. Weird. She was such a role-model, a female figure of love and companionship.

I went by the house today, they have footing up. But, for some odd reason the house is tilted really strangely-- like, it appears as though you won't be able to see the front door from the street, the house will be on too much of an angle. It kinda made me frustrated... but it's too late now anyways, and I guess it isn't REALLY that big of a deal. I don't have to sit there living in my front lawn or anything!


Tito peed ONCE, so far... on LL's couch/bed. Arg. But at least it's been only there, once, in a week. not bad. Now he's just trying to DART out the door! *(let me outta this place---)*

Took on nannying that child again, full-time now. She's a little sick still, so she's a bit cranky. But hey, she sleeps a lot! :)

Actually, it's kinda good for me. You see, here's my personal secret... Chris would be content to be finished having children as we stand right now. But, I want two more. No, let me rephrase that... I SEE two more.

I believe that's the gift the Lord blessed the women of this world with-- the ability to see a kitchen table that isn't there yet, or a setting that hasn't been experienced yet... four kids. that's what I see. I'll even be as bold as to say two boys and two girls. (don't quote me on that one)

So, we 'agreed' on having three-- middle ground. HOWEVER, I feel too strongly to stop at three. i want four. Four. not five. Not ten. Four. So, eventually we'll try for the third child, once Bear's older. But--- and all this rambling will make sense now-- I have decided that I want twins. THEN, I'll get my four, and he will "kinda" have his three pregnancies.

Sneaky? Yes. I'm guilty. But, what should I do? He will NEVER understand if I tell him about this feeling-- 1: he's a man. 2: he's a man who doesn't believe in spiritual promptings. Not good odds.

SOOOOO, having that child here could be a good way to practice having twins. AND boy/girl twins at that.

I'm probably disillusioning myself. I'm going to try to get fertility drugs since twins don't run in the family. But, I do realize that if the LORD wants to send two to me, He'll do it with or without drugs. I'm just "helping" the odds. :) And if he doesn't, I'll be lucky and have conjoint twins or something and He'll be all, "see, told you not to mess with me!"

yah, that'll be more likely. Whatever. I should really learn not to ask for things if I don't want them in the Form the LORD wants to give them to me.

it's the whole, careful what you wish for, thing.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Another Meme Cuz I'm Bored

Two people actually had this on my friends page, so I guess "out of the mouth of two or more"... convinced me enough to do it.. that, and the fact that I have nothing better to do with my time!


Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says.
"geous, daring,dauntless,"

Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
- nothing, but if i move to the other side of the room, I'll hit the wall!

What is the last thing you watched on TV?
- Average Joe Adam Returns Finale

WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is.
- 12:18 am
Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
- AMAZING! It really *IS* 12:18 am. Weird!

With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
- Bear whining

When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
- coming home from work, carrying Bear's car seat, keys and LL's crap into the house

Before you decided to fill this out, what was the last website you looked at?
- I checked my friends page.

What are you wearing?
- Black shirt, white tanktop underneath, garments and other necessities, black belt, blue jeans

Did you dream last night?
- Yes. I always dream. I remembered it this morning, and actually, when I DONT think about it I remember it, but once I try to remember details, it leaves. i hate that.

When did you last laugh?
- full on laugh? Probably something LL or Bear did. yep-- I remember now, while changing Bear's diaper

What is on the walls of the room you are in?
- a cheesy calendar, a cork board, and a framed picture of Chris and his grandpa. it's pretty stark in here.

Seen anything weird lately?
- I am a process server-- everyone I meet it weird. But, I watched the people at Dairy Queen scam a customer by weighing their food with another container before removing the container to present it to the customer. Cheap-os.

What do you think of this quiz?
- Different questions, that's always good.

What is the last film you saw?
- Brother Bear. Oh, I saw parts of Dora The Explorer on DVD yesterday.

If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
- A couple of tickets around the world, surprise Chris with them.

Tell me something about you that I don't know.
- I'm afraid of being in the church chapel when the lights aren't on.

If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
- They'd all be the same religion. Mine. :) ha But that totally goes against agency and freedom to choose and the war in heaven and yada yada, so that's kinda shooting myself in the foot on that one!

Do you like to dance?
- UM... YAH! WAY too much. In fact, fat people shouldn't dance, so I should probably stop doing this macarena now...

George Bush: is he a power-crazy nut case or someone who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?
- I think he's closer to the first one, but many people really respect what he's doing. All the power to them, but he doesn't turn my crank one bit.

Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
- LL. Sillies. NEXT girl? Uhhh, I have too many that I like.

Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
- Bear. Man, you guys are quick. Next boy? For some reason, Andrew is in my head, but I don't really like it. Bear was almost a Riley.

Would you ever consider living in a basement suite under your parents?
- Yes. Wouldn't bother me, probably because I know I'd be closer to home and they would keep their space. HOWEVER, it's more likely that they'll never even ASK me to live there, cuz they don't WANT me there--- which is fine. I'm quite happy in my home here. Chris' parents? No, not a chance. His mother is a little too... involved. She'd be over molesting my poor children all day! :) I love that about her.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - A Hole For A Home

So, I was so thrilled. I have a hole.

And today, I was supposed to have footing, too. Come next Tuesday, we'll have a foundation. And a week after that, I'll actually have framing. I'm so excited.

Even though it's going to be a while before I get to move in and stuff, now that there's a hole, it feels like something's actually happening. Whoo hoo.

So, checked more flights for Chris. Found some at good times, but the price ISN"T right. So, if any of you feel so inclined to donate to the fund, by all means, it's tax deductible. :)

I had such a great night, though. I dropped off the kids with my sis, and went to a temple recommend interview with the Stake president. I'd never met him, and he didn't know me either, so we talked. Turns out he's friends with my grandmother and worked with my dad in Scouting. Small world. But really, he was genuinely an awesome guy, and although we had just formally met, I really felt important to him. I mean, our last Stake President is nice and everything, but I kinda felt like a number with him. So, this guy said some really kind things to me, and it was actually a great time.

Then I went to homely Pee, where I learned about fancy breads. Whatever. Got some stuff accomplished, went home to watch my 3 hours of TV and now I'm off to beddy bye. Lovely.

AAAAAAAAND, Tito hasn't peed on anything. yet. *(touching wood)*

Wishing for Daisy Halos - Three March 30th posts

I'm a little miffed today. I was looking for possible flights for Chris for the weekend when my brother has his farewell and my niece is being baptised in Vancouver. (background for all you who don't know, Chris is working a LOT these days, trying to finish up a huge project that is very far behind, so he can only come out Saturday night and has to be back to work for Monday morning.)

Anyways, called Airmiles, to use my mileage, and they can't get him home Sunday night. only Sunday morning, which totally defeats the whole process. So, I check Monday morning, early, and he'd be an hour or two late for work. So, I ask him tonight what he thinks.

He says, well, looks like I'm just staying home.

He doesn't understand that this is really important to me. And it's important to my siblings and my niece that he's there. Just one day. One.

Really bothers me that he just didn't care. So, I ask him-- well, how much are you willing to pay without using the airmiles? He answers a hundred. ARE YOU JOKING? Not even using the AIRMILES was that cheap with all the stupid tax and airport improvement fees and junk like that. Who's he kidding?!

I know I have to pick my battles in a marriage, but I feel this is important. Is it? I mean, it seems like EVERY time I'm in BC he's not there. It's like he doesn't want to be there-- EVER. I already know he doesn't really want to be there this time.

Marriage isn't 50/50, so the fact that EVERY holiday his family throws I attend without griping. yah, I love his family, but that's because I know them. He knows my family, but not as well as I know his. How many times has he visited MY home? How many times have I visited his? I know, I know, NOT 50/50!!!!!

grumble grumble grumble........So sad. Our favourite missionary got transferred (tomorrow) to Lethbridge. He came with greenie to say goodbye. Chris wasn't home, laundry was ALL over the front room (including "delicates" I would rather have thrown under a cushion or something) and LL had just spilt milk alllll over the kitchen floor. "i can do it myself, Mommy". uh huh.

Sunday we meet the new guy--they're coming for dinner. He's going on 20 months, so he'll leave here too, most likely, on his way home like the last elder! Weird. How often does that happen?!

Anywho, so we talked a bit about the new elder who's supposedly coming here. I'm just hoping that he's cool. Not like our hometeacher's companion-du-jour from Sunday. He is a great guy, but brought along a new guy Chris has never met. Well, Peter Priesthood started bringing on the questions.... Are you a member? Why not? Do you want to take the discussions? What's taken you so long to join the church? How come you haven't accepted what you know is true? You should be baptised by now. Do you wanna take the discussions? Doesn't it bother you to know that you won't be with your family for eternity? Do you wanna take the discussions? Oh, wait, do you wanna take the discussions?

ARGGGGGG.

the mood in the room could have been cut with a cooked spaghetti, it was SUPER thick! At least Chris is starting to see that not ALL members are loosey-goosey and equally not all members are Convert-the-world people either. There are extremes to both sides, but thankfully the ones in my family and in my friendships are pretty down-to-earth about it all and realize that he may not have entered the waters, but he can swim like a fish sometimes!

There's only going to be ONE person to come into Chris' life with the ABILITY to talk to him like that and actually MAKE a difference. And trust me.... it isn't you. or you. Or anyone who THINKS it's them. Or me. oh yah, did I mention it probably isn't that guy, either?

BTW-- update on Tito...
got made into an "it" today. Isn't quite himself but they vet says that he'll get over that in a few days and be back to his kitten days. Maybe he'll stop peeing on stuff too! Cuz if he doesn't, Chris is going to throw him through the wall, I'm sure of it!

Wishing For Daisy Halos - A Night Out

Chris took me out tonight. It was so nice, hired a real babysitter (none of those fake kind), got dressed up. He even shaved his nasty oil-rig scruff off. thank goodness-- he has a face again.

we went to dinner, which, without children, felt orgasmic. Seriously, BOTH of us remained in our seats until dinner was done, no one had to take kids to the bathroom or for a walk or even eat with one hand because I was nursing. Nothing. Just plain, adult conversation. Lovely.

Then we went to a pub where a friend works. He was there, so we sat and talked with him for a while. Across the street is Cowboys, a very country bar/club that's the "pride" of Calgary. You CAN'T come to Calgary and NOT go to Cowboys. It's just wrong. It's probably everyone's FIRST club they go to when they move here or get old enough.

ANYWAYS, we're dancing, talking, you know.. yada yada. And, walking right by me is this HUGE guy in black, followed by another, smaller guy, and then another huge guy in black again. If any of you watched the series finale of Sex and The City tonight, you'll find this cool. (For all you USA peoples, Canada didn't air the episode until tonight). "Big" was in town, and it was him. I know, how not exciting. But it really was.

I was really impressed to see that most Calgarians didn't molest the poor guy, and he managed to have a bit of fun on the dance floor without getting attacked. In fact, I didn't see ANYONE really bother him. And it's not like we didn't know who he was.

He had a mustache, though, and it didn't look very good. (Personal taste, but whatever).

Got home, though and the kids had been little terrors for the sitter. Poor girl. But she said it wasn't too bad, so it wasn't obviously traumatic. Still, I really thoroughly enjoyed having a night out, without kids, without really any NEED to be home. I mean, after the week from you-know-where that I had, it was definitely needed for me, and since Chris has worked nearly 20 days straight, he needed it too!

Uh.. what a week. Is it over yet?

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Babies and Couches and Chairs, oh my! and An Eye For An Eye

What a day!

I've taken on nannying a little 8 month-old girl who's a child of a former roommate and his wife. She's adorable. Unfortunately, they phoned yesterday and asked if I could take her today-- not much notice. So, she arrived early this morning.

(and she'll be back tomorrow)

Which isn't so bad, except that I wanted to take my mother-in-law out to look at furniture for her new house and stuff, and with Bear and LL AND that child, it was quite the feat! I mean, these furniture stores weren't LEONS by any means. These were "here, have a 7000.00 ottoman for your living room" kinda stores. La-dee-da kind of stores. Miss my-butt-doesn't-stink kind of stores!!!!!

(okay, and actually, my butt DOESN"T stink, in case you were TOTALLY reading that wrong!!!)

so, it was quite a day... trying to understand sleep signals and hungry signals and bored signals and dirty bum signals. And that was just my mother-in-law!!! :)

talked to my Dad today, though. Man, great guy. And I really enjoyed having the day with my MIL. She's great too. The two of them are very pea-like. Out of the same pod. Great, great, supportive people. With the ability to tell stories about their lives like NO-ONE's business!

Yah. Good day, but busy. I should go to bed, since tomorrow isn't shaping up to look any less so!


Got in a one-word fight with Chris tonight. not so much a fight as he yelled at me. But whatever.

I've decided that the next time he says he's taking Tito my cat to the SPCA, that I'll just tell him that I'll take his precious Xbox to the dump. He hates the cat, I hate the game.

After all, I'm willing to compromise! :)

I know, how immature. But I'm in a bad mood. Don't cross me. (those who know me personally, know EXACTLY why not!!)

yah. Horrible day after 3 o'clock. Dealt with pee and vomit and pooh and every nasty thing possible. This time it wasn't even MY kid!! It was the dayhome child. Poor little thing. Before 3 o'clock, I had a great day oogling at expensive crap I'll never own or even THINK of buying and putting in a house full of kids. Nice stuff. But no way.


Has anyone else noticed I'm kinda talking in sentence fractions?!!!

Wishing For Daisy Halos - (no title 3)

I was really lonely today.

I've been lonely before... sitting at church while everyone else sits with their hubby's arm around them. Watching husbands take out screaming children. Pass the sacrament. Bless a baby (or two, in my case).

Today we had a meeting/fireside for all endowed members. I walked in, and instantly felt horrible. I was alone. Although it isn't true, it felt as though only the missionaries and I were the only ones not married. And yet, at least they had a companion to sit beside.

I don't feel married when it comes to church things. I'm a single mom at church. So, I sat there beside some other unknown-to-me couple, watching my friends and their husbands walk in and take chairs next to other friends and husbands. I felt so alone.

It almost got to the point where I just felt like crying, or getting up and walking out. But the fireside was about temples, and I know I needed to be there. I know that one day I'll be a temple worker, and so I need all the prep I can get. Inwardly I said a little prayer for strength-- so I could sit there and feel the spirit in spite of everything.

I listened to eternal marriage stuff. And today was the day I wished people could have felt what I felt. Or my unmarried siblings. Or my unmarried friends. I wanted them to feel how important it was to marry in the temple. There's way more to lose than eternity-- you lose a bit of THIS life too.

I don't want anyone I love to feel so alone.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - (no title 2)

Boo hoo is me. Everyone's life seems soooooooooo much more enthralling than mine. I mean, cummon, I have NO life.

My day consisted of surprising crap. And also crap and also surprises.

Well, I went tanning (I know, how vain... but in reality, it's for my skin. tanning helps my eczema) and then shopping with the kidletts this morning, (Chris was at work) and got a few things on my list; dishwasher detergent, baby food, diapers, and rubbermaid storage containers. I have this "thing" about looking really organized when we show the house, so I've decided that I'm putting EVERYTHING into a rubbermaid container and eliminating boxes. ideally, when we move, it will only be rubbermaid containers, with stickers all nicely labelled.. I know, obsessive compulsive, probably. But whatever.

Anyways, back to my day. After that, I took the kids to work. I had a LOT of work today, and it was kinda crappy. But at least I got a bunch of people that I HAD to get this weekend. That's good, cuz then I don't have to work tomorrow. Which will come in handy, I'll show you why in a second.

THENNNN, after 3 hours of driving around (stopping for gas, for LL to pee...yada yada) i was a little ahead of my "schedule" so I stopped off at the hospital to visit my friend who just had her baby.

She was sleeping, so I took the kids to the pediatrics playroom for a while, since I had an hour to kill and figured I'd see if she was still sleeping in a half hour.

It was really odd, the feelings of when JD was born all came flooding back. the smells, the people, the places... it sucked.

Anyways, I'm there, and LL says, "I pooped my pants". Just like that. Matter-of-very-factly. That REALLY sucked, so then I *HAD* to take her home and change her before I went to my next scheduled appointment. It was really funny, in a way, (until I had to clean it up) because she was doing the whole "I've got crap in my pants" walk. We got to the car, and she's all "my boots is yucky". LOL. She was wearing galoshes, so I'm sure they were squishy enough.

Cleaned her up, in the tub. Went to my sister's house to drop of the kids then ran to my lighting appointment for the new house.

Did that, came home, and Tito (my cat) had CRAPPED on the bed!!!! UGGGGG. *ROAR*

Checked the phone messages, and my mother-in-law wants to come visit us. I call her back, and she's booked her flight. She arrives... TOMORROW!!!!! *RIGHT* after church. SOOOOO, then I start to frantically clean the house, when my sister drops off her kids cuz she's got tickets to the hockey game.

And each of the things I'm doing is fairly frustrating as it is. So this day...

You know, I started this blog thinking how boring my life is. It's not boring, as you can see. But I don't think anyone wants to be me!!!! I mean, who really enjoys dealing with someone else's CRAP 2 times in one day...

Wishing For Daisy Halos - My Favourite Colour Because

I like green. It symbolizes more than any other colour, in my opinion. So, even though I feel like St. Pat's day is retarded, at least I get to see lots of green.

Green is the colour of/for:

envy
nature-- every plant has SOME green in it
money
newness ( like missionaries)
sickly (looking a little green)
go
hospitals/scrubs/sanitation
martians
luck
fungus

and best of all, when the world starts turning green, that means it's spring! whoo hoo.

there's probably more, but that's all that come to my mind for now. My new house is painted green (on the inside, and only MOST of the walls-- my bedroom is "indian summer", kinda redish brown, burnt looking copper.)

I had such a busy day, running errands with my sister and our kids for my brother's mission. Went to a make-up party (which is a joke, since I hardly ever WEAR makeup), and then watched survivor, naturally.

Pretty lame day. Hence the pretty lame post. Sleep better because of it!

Wishing For Daisy Halos - (no title)

So, once again, almost like PMS (but not), my mind turns reflective and I end up thinking about things that I would rather avoid pondering. It's usually because I dream dreams that I hate, that seem to keep me unsettled for the remainder of the day. I see objects, I smell scents, I even taste foods that flash someone's face in my mind the instant the sense is aroused. I hear songs that force my thoughts to people and places I just couldn't care less about.

Read again; CouldN'T care less about. In fact, I care too much about these people, and so I contemplate my relationship with them to every finite detail.

I don't think there's such thing as loving too much. But I'm beginning to create my own thesis that it's possible to care too much. I mean, loving someone couldn't be wrong. Love is so celestial. But caring too much, that can be caring about people you love AND people you hate. Or, in some cases, people who I think hate me.

I wonder, too, if people already know I'm this unsure about everything. If they suspect that I'm this self-conscious about how I think they feel about me. Or is my facade of strength and self-assurance and confidence radiating out of me enough as to camouflage my insecurity.

See, but there it is again-- why should I care if they know I'm like this? It's just me. All encompassing, alpha and omega of yours truly. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. But the vulnerability of just opening my heartstrings for anyone to strike a chord is a little unsettling, to say the least.

Is everyone this pathetically, introvertedly uncertain or am I just the one out of place in a dauntless world. Are they like me, feebly masking their feelings when the rest of the population can see right through the mirage? Or am I shocking you all!?

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Jellyfish

Chris says I need to grow a backbone. He thinks that I let my family do things to me or around me that bother me, and I just don't say anything about it because I don't have a backbone.

It's not that at all. No family is perfect, and my sibs and I are pretty close. That being said, I hate it when someone is mad at another. It just makes me feel bad. I hate the confrontation, I hate the name-calling.. I hate how childish it seems. I just don't like it.

Each of us has our "thing". Something that the rest of us think, but never say to that person. It's kinda an unsaid rule. You just don't go there. Unless you're looking for a fight or to hurt the person, and frankly, I just don't really want to do that!

So, he told me to grow a backbone and tell them what I think. But, if I've already told them in polite conversation that I disagree with something, why rehash it a million times? Why try to stir that pot?

We were ALL raised with strong opinions-- sometimes that's detrimental, but sometimes it's a beneficial thing. And because of that, we're all stubborn to a point and we all think we're gospel on what's right and what's not and what's true and yada yada yada...

We really *DO* put the fun in dysfunctional... we may not be perfect.. but we have a heck of a good time when we're together (as long as no one grows a backbone!).

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Music Meme

You're so vain. You probably think this song is about you. You're so vain. You probably think this song is about you, don't you? Don't you!

We are not the ordinary, fearlessly extraordinary. Working righteous harey-carey, in our humble way. Humble way now. Humble WAYYYYY, our humble way.

I am short, fat, and proud of that, and so with all my might. I up, down, up down to my appetite's delight.... I am stout, round. And I have found, speaking poundage-wise; I improve my appetite when I excercise.

(He) sees a diamond, deep in the rough of my soul. (He) says I'll see it too, someday. (He) sees a diamond, where all of the others are coal. (He) must see a million years away. But (he) keeps on loving me today.

It isn't good to be alone, it isn't good. So when you find someone you love you really should join hands and be together. Together. Together. It isn't good to be alone, it isn't good. There are lots of things you can't, but that you could, if you were two together. Together. Together.

Another pair of tiny hands to lay beneath the clay. Stumbling, little baby feet to wake another day. Oh God of heaven, take hate from man, and let this angel sleep 'till earth is pure for tiny hands. And safe for tiny feet.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Family Feuds

well, today I woke up early to drive about 3 hours to Cardston to watch my cousin's child be blessed. It was quite the interesting day, what with the dynamics of everything and the "family news" that was shared-- whether willingly or not.

Actually, yesterday, I went to pick up the cake that I ordered for her. I hadn't decided what to actually write on it, some shrewd blurb or saying that wouldn't offend anyone, but still make those LDS people satisfied. So, there were a lot of considerations-- strictly LDS sayings? Funny sayings? Non-denominational sayings? See, we didn't know how the mother felt about blessing the babe, or if the father or his family would be there, and who would find the funny things funny or who would find them offensive and irreverent. We settled on "I am a Child Of God", and it got appreciation from everyone there, so i was REALLY relieved about that.

But, I really had a great day. It was a very family oriented day, and really nice catching up with cousins that I enjoy being with but don't often see. Watching people young and old take their places in the pecking order was kinda like people-watching at the airport....entertaining and somewhat disturbing at times.

I love my family, but my extended family has a few too many issues that are simmered just a TAD too long ("tad" being used very loosely)... and they aren't very, uh... tactful. I think my extended family is really dysfunctional, but then I think that EVERY family is dysfunctional-- we just admit it and openly talk about it!

But, like, on the other hand, I don't think that MY family is dysfunctional-- just my mother's. (she isn't too functional herself sometimes). But my siblings, in general, we're really great together. After reading Marce's LJ comment, I'm obviously not the only one in this thinking. I have a GREAT family, and I don't see a lot of animosity between my siblings (from my view in the line-up), so it's really nice to have such a great support system.

And in saying that, even my extended family is a great support system, when push comes to shove. In spite of the differences, they all come to baby blessings, they all come to baptisms, they all interchange clothing and indirectly practice the whole law of consecration thing..

I'm also feeling truly blessed. And that's just on MY side.. Chris' family is equally amazing.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Insomnia is a Punishment?

So, the Elders came over again. We talked about stuff, mostly about bad stuff that happened before I got married. It was really odd, telling them things and all that. I guess I've tried so hard to put that behind me and forget about it. In fact, I don't really like remembering it in the first place, so bringing it up always sounds weird.

They were asking questions and stuff, about how I knew that Chris was the guy I wanted to marry. Talking about when I was doing things wrong in my life before-- how I felt, what I did about it, what changed anything... Kinda weird stuff like that. I know they were just trying to understand us and everything, and they're AWESOME missionaries, but I hated thinking back about that time in my life.

Which really sucks, because I dream about it all the time. Lame-o as it sounds, I often go to bed imagining what the new house is going to look like, what colours and furniture and yada yada... but when I fall asleep, I end up dreaming about sexual things. Memories of certain people that I don't want to have. And situations that just SUCK! Oddly enough, and I'm sure a load of you will laugh at this, but my mother is almost ALWAYS in my dreams!!! Disturbing.

Funny, too, on the totally opposite side of the fence, I always tend to wish I could "relive" that time in my life. I had fun, for the most part. I had no cares, I had good friends. The soundtrack to my life was as eclectic as Micheal Jackson's headshots. So, on one hand I wish I could go back, but on the other hand I hate remembering things about it.

I know I've been forgiven for things that I did, and I've been through the temple and stuff since, and it's NOT an issue anymore. So why don't I feel peace about it all? Why do I still feel haunted?

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Latin is my Best Subject

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
"I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't
a poem."
You are a type A personality. You like bright
things, you don't call in sick to work, and you
have devastating opinions about art.



Okay, freaking hilarious, because the whole "if it doesn't rhyme" thing-- totally me! I mean, poems don't have to rhyme, but I'm such a stupid stickler for meter and proper word usage and, if the poem is SUPPOSED to rhyme, then by gosh darn it, don't try to get away with something like "percolator and people shamer" They don't rhyme! Too annoying for me, actually. I am not quite as sure about the type A personality, but I do like bright things, (people, colours, rooms) and I have devastating opinions about art (and anything else. What, who me? Have an opinion? Never!!!)

However, I *DO* call in sick to work. Sometimes when I'm not sick. Those are called Mental Health Days, and I'm all for them, when they work to my advantage! I haven't ever used a really original excuse, though...always sick or whatever, hurt myself jiving... yada yada. Now with the job I have, I just don't GO to work if I don't want to. That's the good thing about my job.

We heep having these wicked power outages-- I'll be lucky to get this sent off before the computer goes off again. I love storms. VERY cool. Funny, though, I think it's only the wind, because it's not snowing or anything. And, come to think of it, I can't even hear the wind, so I have no idea WHY my power keeps flickering. My house is so pantyliner-thin that I can hear the snow melt through my walls. Soon, young grasshopper, you shall be RID of this monstrosity!

WIshing For Daisy Halos - 664..665..667..668

I guess I don't really know why I am the way I am. maybe it is part of my childhood, coming back to haunt my life now. Maybe it's the friends I chose, or the people who hurt me. Maybe it's all accredited to what I eat.

I often think about things that happened to me as a baby, things I don't know that happened, but may have affected who I am today. Like, certain things I think and certain urges to do something specific.. is that part of me because of how I was raised?

I like the idea of tarot cards and fortune tellers, I like hypnotists and star-reading. I don't know why, but it just kinda fascinates me. I don't put a lot of weight on those issues, but it's still entertaining anyways. I'm a Scorpio, and maybe the fascination is because of my personality traits according to my sign. But then, astrological signs are just another thing to add to the list. Is it Satan worshipping? It's really odd, though, because I don't put ANY credibility into people like that "crossing over" guy, who believes he talks with the dead. Maybe that's just my perception of heaven, and angels or whatever, but I HONESTLY believe that although he MAY be talking to beings not of this world, I don't believe his power comes from God. But then I contradict myself again, and think about the article of faith, "We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues and so forth". So, if that's the case, why are we advised not to partake of such entertainment venues like fortune tellers and whatever else. Isn't a vision something of a fortune telling? Aren't tarot cards something of prophecy?

There's a lot of gray lines that I confuse myself on, stuff like that. Am I so disillusioned in my fascination with these things? Am I a bad LDS person, someone who really shouldn't call themselves as such? Am I like most LDS? (Even if I WAS like most LDS, does that still make it okay?)

I guess my desire to put off the natural man is really strong, but it's really fighting against something that I seem to enjoy too much. I mean, there's a lot of sacrifice in the church, why shouldn't this be another? I WANT to be the good example, the faithful woman who gets to see Jesus face to face without guilt or pain clouding my view. I just want the day of my trial to be happy, you know, a "well done thou good and faithful servant" kind of day. Can I be that person and still enjoy these things?

I think there's too fine a line. Or maybe there isn't, and I'd just like it to be, so it's easier to cross over.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - To The Dump

So my scale says I've lost five pounds. And the fact that the scale MAY be broken isn't going to play on my elation. No, seriously, I don't know HOW I lost the wieght, maybe just being more concious of what i eat and when and all that, but who knows. Hey, I'm not going to question it. And I know you all probably could care less about my incessant talk about wieght taking up all this room on your friends page, so I'll just shut up anyways.

Bear cut his first 2 teethes this past weekend. UGGG>. what a weekend it was too. But, oddly enough, the more I feed him real baby food, the less he wants to nurse. Like, at all!! So, indirectly, I'm weaning him, I guess. The drawback-- man, my boobs have never been this full since day three postpartum. THEY HURT!

Okay, actually now that I think about it, I might accredit my weight loss to my kids-- LL, in particular. She keeps me moving-- like, today's story.

We had to pick out our showers and our closets and our mirrors from this company (for the new house) today. I had the kids, since they only do day appointments, so here I am, trying to decide on stuff with her running around.

They have these mock showers set up everywhere. All of a sudden, I turn around, and there's LL, buck naked from the waist down, trying to take off her shirt as she stands in one of the showers. The sales guy just laughed.

But that's just the start of it. Frantically trying to put her clothes back on, I get her situated in front of a movie spot they have for kids around the corner. In no less than 30 seconds, I hear her on the opposite side of the store, singing away. The sales guy goes, "uhh, she's in the bathroom". Oh great. So, I run to the bathroom, and thankfully she didn't lock the door this time, so I go inside. Sitting there with her pants and underwear on the floor, she's singing her little heart out. She is actually sitting on the toilet bowl-- she didn't put the seat down-- leaving a dump. Crappy... and when I say crappy, I'm not trying to be punny. Ohh, the things you have to deal with when you're a mom. She's just so cute about it though, I can't help but laugh.

Man, there's been times I WISHED I could get away with leaving a dump at a public place where I could sing my heart out while I did it. LOL

(thinks) ***Okay, the comments that I'm going to get on THAT line.. ***

Wishing For Daisy Halos - 2 Nephi, 32 verse 3

Yesterday kinda bit butt. Chris was going to take the day off of work, because he could, basically. I would then get my sleep in-- a rarity in my life nowadays. Anyways, he takes the kids upstairs, and starts to cook breakfast, when the phone rings and it's his work. Apparently they're REALLY far behind and come Monday, their tardiness could cost over 60 thousand bucks. So he had to go into work anyways. So much for sleeping in.

A while after I've gotten dressed and got LL started on breakfast, there's a knock on my door. I go answer it, and there on my front step is the Jehovah's Witness that came to my house a while back. He brought his wife this time. Smarter now, I didn't let them in the house (besides, it was warm enough that I didn't feel TOO rude leaving them outside). I told him that when he left the other day, I didn't like the feeling that stayed in my home, and so I asked him that he not come back and explained that I didn't want to talk any further about it. He said that he noticed last time that I got uncomfortable, and wondered why. When i said that I felt very attacked, he of course said that that was far from his intentions. I know that. Still didn't change it.

His sentence was, "I really didn't mean to offend you, but if you knew that I, as your neighbour, was being lied to, wouldn't you want to warn me?" Okay, first things first-- what kind of apology is that!!! Second, he JUST did the thing that I was so bothered with the first time. I explained that I believed that I could say the same thing back to him, BUT I DON'T, because (believe it or not) I have more tact than that.

Anyways, I was getting more and more agitated, and he STILL kept saying stuff like that. Like, grouping Joseph Smith in with that guy from Waco, Texas, and the Hale-bop people and Muhammad Ali and all these people. That was very offensive to me. For one, I believe that Joseph Smith is a prophet of God, and he's grouping him in a group with people that aren't! So, yah, he just kept on attacking things that I loved and felt strongly for. I got him stumped a little when I said that he didn't shake my faith when he was here last time. I said that my faith was just as strong, if not stronger than his. His wife didn't say anything after that. In truth, he probably strengthened my faith, because the first thing that came to my mind was "angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost" from seminary. Man, I am SOO glad I didn't sleep through THAT morning class! :)

After 10 minutes of standing in the doorway, and getting more and more aggravated with him, I finally said that I didn't want to talk to him anymore, and I basically shut the door on their face.

That left my heart pounding.

I hate confrontation like that, and more-so, I hated being mean to them when I know that their job as missionaries is hard enough. I thought of my brother, going to leave shortly on his mission, and it broke my heart that people would do the same thing to him.

So, aside the fact that I'm on a new birth control pill, I started crying. my sister, who I'd normally call, was at Girl Guide camp. So I called home and spoke to my Dad. What a good guy.

Anyways. I still feel bad about being like that to them, and I guess I'm hoping that you will be able to make me feel better about that. Or, tell me I'm scum if that's the case. But should I have been like that? If the occasion arises again, should I do something different?

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Are My Garments Showing AGAIN!?

So, it's been two years and three months since I got my endowments. And still, every morning, I wake up in these horrible "underwear" and feel like a slob.

There's something to be said about a cute little matching bra and (dare I say the word?) panty set. A cute little pair of gitch that just sort of, holds your bum in place. None of this saggy, no support pair of shorts. And making the mud dirtier, i am wearing these nursing tops, with the WEIRDEST openings for, well, my uh... baby's bottles, as my daughter calls them. They actually don't fit my body, but they fit the, uh, "bottles". I am borrowing them from a friend.

Anyways, still hating these clothes. Every time i complain about them I feel unworthy to wear them, though. And I tell Chris how unsexy i feel in them, and he just says, then don't wear them. But he knows that by saying that, it only makes me feel worse. And I always say, no, I made a promise.

But oh, to be cute in a little bra and panty set. That was the life. You can't go out and buy some polka-dot bra to wear over these underwear, either. that's just too funny looking.

On a different note, the missionaries came over today. The new guy is cute, just a wee babe. He's just turned 19, and although he was a little quiet, Chris and i think he'll find his voice and he'll be cool enough.
He seemed nice and all, I think he's just still digesting everything. I mean, the poor kid, he still gets excited when he hears a plane overhead. (We live near the airport, so planes are often flying by, low.) He's very green, I'd say.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Feeling a Little Green, Elder?

So, I'm totally tired throughout the entire day, but once 9 o'clock rolls around, I'm ready to attack the world! I mean, I hate that. I have something in my head that says that going to bed at 9 is too early, so I don't. Besides, there's good shows on-- I'd miss American Idol or some other reality show I'm hopelessly hooked on.
Today started a bit too early for my liking. Actually, ANYBODY who likes to get up at 5:15 in the morning has some serious thrill issues. I'm even a morning person.
I got the kids ready to go, warmed up the car (although the day was a beautiful, sunny 9 degrees) and drove to my sister's house. Her baby boy was having penis surgery, so they were out the door at 6. It was so sad, the poor boy has NO idea where he's going, or even why his mom won't let him nurse.
I was there for most of the day-- not exactly an easy feat for the faint of patience. I mean, it IS six kids, not including mine... (or the neighbour's kid who dropped by for an hour while she did some errands). Busy day. I hate macaroni on a good day, but making a VAT of the goo is simply repulsive.
Then i came home and finished the laundry (quite a feat since it's only Tuesday-- it usually takes me all week) and cleaned the house.
while making dinner, the missionaries stopped by. The one elder goes home tomorrow, so he came to say bye and take pictures and all that. It was actually sad. While Chris and I ate, we both talked about how this set of elders was the first set to really touch our lives. The FIRST set to touch Chris' life in a positive manner at all! We know that the other one is staying, but his new comp is green... like, totally fresh off the MTC boat! Uh oh.... Chris doesn't like those "baptise the world" kind-- they seem to not understand "not today". Whatever. We're hoping that we'll make him feel right at home and embarrass him and stuff.
So, here's my issue; give us GOOD ideas on how to break this elder in. Like, something prank-like that won't make him want to go running home to Mommy, but still really good. We thought his companion should get into bed with him the first night, saying that he's afraid of the dark and stuff. Maybe hide a pair of pretty panties under his sheets... but we need stuff WE can do at our house. And in case you're wondering, Chris will NOT act like a dog and slide down the banister like my father did with my sister's date. So don't even suggest it! :)

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Feeling Fat

So, I've been feeling a lot better about stuff lately. Funny, since i don't know what I was feeling bad about to begin with.

Now, I'm just looking for motivation. One day, Chris and I were talking about what we're physically attracted to. He told me that a bunch of his friends think I'm so wrong for him, because I'm not at all his "type". He told me that he likes really thin... LIKE... Stick thin girls, and tall. Which is fine, I couldn't care less that he likes that, because he loves me for me. And I know that a lot more now, because of the wieght fluctuations I've had during the course of our dating and married life.

I mean, he struggled with it for a while with Elysia, and that was really hard. But he's great now.

Point is, that I'm not that stick thin girl. I never will be-- that's just not my body type. And I won't be tall... obviously that can't change for the better. But I *CAN* lose wieght. And I need to.

I have never liked being fat. I hate it, actually. Which is partially why I hate nursing; because I can't really diet and do a heck of a lot to change my body. Sure, I can exercise, but then I'm starving. Circle of lame-ness.

But i lack the motivation right now, and that's bothering me more than being big. I mean, you can't complain about something if you don't try to change it-- especially if it is something that only YOU can change, you know? So, I want that drive, that desire to wake up early and get to the gym or go for a run or skip seconds or whatever. I hate my weakness lately, but feel no desire to actually get up and change it. I mean, I WANT to change it, but I don't want to do the work.

Pain is a precursor to change. So I need the pain to be bigger or something. I need SOMETHING.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Going Once, Going Twice, Sold To the Lady With The Shopping Cart Home

So another day, another dull hair.

It was such a nice break to get a "sleep in" today. Because it was Stake conference, I stayed home. I know, I know, you're all going to sound like my mother. I don't need that-- when I talked to her yesterday, and mentioned that i wasn't going, her lack of reaction on the other end was lecture enough. Man, I hate that. I'm sure she was biting her tongue to a pulp with all the things she DIDN'T say to me yesterday...

Chris got up with the kids, made eggs, of course, since that's his thing to do when he's home. LL loves it. It only sucked that I wasn't really tired this morning-- of all the mornings, the one I actually get to sleep in for, I wasn't sleepy. meh. I managed to get back to sleep, dreaming ridiculous dreams as always, until I was awoken by the family-- Bear was hungry, as usual.

We went to work, looked at some REALLY pricey homes, then went to my sister's house for a birthday party for my nephew. He's such a cutie. I have cute nephews ans nieces-- even if some of them are dumb as rocks sometimes! See story below!! lol

Last night was kinda funny, kinda sad. See, Marce, my sister, was coming home from Ottawa via Calgary, so my sis here and I went to the airport to meet her. We brought my kids and four of hers. When I got there, her flight had been delayed about an HOUR!!!, so we took the kids to "kids' port", this playroom thingy. When her flight finally came in, she didn't get off the plane. We assume she wasn't allowed, because she had to be back on the plane in half an hour to get to Vancouver. It was so funny, my niece, a drama queen, said "I don't know how I'm ever gonna live if I don't see my Auntie". What a character. She's so blonde. So, we never got to see her. Which, in one way, was a good thing-- I had picked up MCDonald's for her, knowing that Westjet doesn't serve food and that she'd be hungry. But, because her flight was so late, the fries were rubbery, the burgers were soggy and cold, and the drink was flat and lukewarm. Nasty. I mean, McD's is gross at the best of times, but an HOUR after you get it... that's just repulsive. Oh well... LL enjoyed the nasty fries on the way home, and I drank the dyed sugar water. The burgers, well, they're probably going for top dollar on the seagulls auction down at the airport garbage bins.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Only ONE Blue Line!!

I'm not pregnant. Thankfully. My friend is convinced that this mood of mine is depression, but I don't think so. And neither did my doctor, so I'm not worried. But I'm REALLY glad I'm not pregnant.. I can't wait to stop nursing, I couldn't imagine not having a break between kids.
I get a break on Sunday, though. It's stake conference, so I told Chris I'm sleeping in and taking some much needed me time. He is fine with that.
Anyways, nothing to say tonight. And Bear's awakening. Poohey.

Wishing for Daisy Halos - Who Didn't Put the Pee Back In The Fridge?!

I need a serious break. Like, seriously. I finally feel like the thread is going to snap, and I'm so afraid it's going to escalate into something I'll really regret.
I'm so angry today. Probably a mixture of being tired and stressed.
I can't think of a better way to say it than I'm tired of being a mother. I want a day off, some TIME off. I mean, I love my kids, but I need ME time. I have them from first thing in the morning and then all day. Do dishes, make meals, clean house, do laundry, entertain kids, feed Bear a bagillion times. Then I usually have to take them to work with me, packing them in the car, taking them up to the office, back into the car, drive around trying to work and still ignore their crying or incessant whining for McDonald's in the rear seat. I come home, and it's bed time. I get to put them to bed, but even then, JD only sleeps for a few hours before he needs me to feed him again. No sleep. No rest. No break.
I knew when Chris took this job that he'd work the "occasional" Saturday.. or so he told me. But no, he's worked EVERY Saturday. That USED to be my sleep-in day. But it's not anymore. No, Saturday turns out pretty much like any other day. Except Sunday, when I get to wake up with the kids and get them ready for church. take them there, by myself usually, and then deal with over 25 nursery kids for two hours. One of which is obviously LL, and of course, Bear's with me then too. So then I come home and get to clean up the house that Chris has neglected... no matter how many times I tell him that i need more help around the house.
When is it MY time? I need that right now. Chris gets home too late to take the kids while I'm at work, but then again, I'm working, so that's not really a break. i deal with losers and rude people. yeah, that's the kinda time I love to spend alone!
In fact, I just lost it on LL. She hasn't been going to bed until like 10 or 11 at night, and i can't handle that anymore. Then, I come down here for the only time I manage to fit between Bear's feeds, and I hear her upstairs. I go up there, and she's managed to pee on the floor in front of the fridge. Obviously not for attention, since I wouldn't have known about it-- she thought I was sleeping... So I can't figure her out. I lost it.
I spanked her butt, yelled, got so angry.
I hate being like that, but I'm still really fuming about it, and that makes me more mad. I don't like to hurt her. But it just gets to that point and SNAP!!!
I need to calm down, and yet, I have nothing to do. Go to bed. Get some sleep. Maybe I'll go have a long shower or something.
ARG.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Crack Addicts Don't Do So Well In Blood Tests

So, I went and actually accomplished something today.
It was really funny, actually. I called my doctor to set up that appointment, and the receptionist goes, "well, why don't you just come in when you bring in Bear today". I'm all "WHAT!!!!". Aparently, Bear had a doctor's appointment today, and I didn't even know. What a scatter-brain! She musta thought I was some crack-addict Mom!
So, we went there, then i got my blood test at the clinic, then we went and got Bear's Birth certificate forms filled out and filed. Then I hung at my sister's for a while, and then came home and napped! It was a great nap. I think my whole problem lately is just not getting enough sleep, because Bear and LL slept in a little today, but it made a world of a difference.
Chris got two box-seat tickets to the Flames' hockey game tonight, so we were able to go on a date without the kids and have some fun. We won, and it wasn't too bad of a game to watch, actually, QUITE different crowd than the Canucks' games, that's for sure. It was nice, except I hate that my boobs will all of a sudden start leaking while I'm talking to a bunch of Chris' work buddies. Yeah, lovely.
So, tomorrow I wake early to watch my sister's kids, then head off downtown to fill out some more house forms and junk. Blah. How terribly lame.

Wishing For Daisy Halos - Croissants in the Oven, and Long Tunnel

Well, there's a silver lining to every cloud, so they say. And although it's still raining on my emotions lately, I can see the "god clouds" in the distance.

The Elders had dinner, and I finally asked them the questions that I've been meaning to ask SOMEone. Like the one about plural marriage. And that one about angels in Galatians. It really helped. Really. And for one of the FIRST times in my marriage, the topic of conversation stayed on religious things for most of the night. And it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable or pushy.

Now, don't misread this, all you out there who are silently saying, "great, Chris is so much closer to the gospel now!" or whatever else you're thinking. It wasn't like that. It was just a conversation that was answered perfectly, in my opinion, by an Elder that Chris relates well too. An Elder that isn't a "stiffy" guy and talks about life as a NOT perfect teenager and whatnot. He's not a guy who was a good little Mormon his whole life, but because of that, him sharing his testimony on WHY he's decided to stick with the church after investigating it inside and out was so great for Chris. I said to Chris that I was sorry for talking about that stuff for so long (even though I really wanted to hear their answers), and Chris said he enjoyed it, actually. He and I both like REAL people, and these missionaries aren't afraid to be that, even if they're not supposed to talk about certain things or whatever. They aren't all "peter priesthood-y", but they're still very honourable guys serving the Lord. You know?

Totally off topic, but they even talked to me about that sex-toy party. Word in the streets of our ward got around, and they are so funny about it. But they're down to earth, and I can't STAND missionaries who come to my house and try to pressure us into having Chris sit through a discussion when he's already told them no. The FIRST missionary that he ever met did that, and it was sooo horrible. Like, way to go, retard! I'll only give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn't know better because he had only been out for a few weeks or something. REALLY green and ****REALLY*** ready to baptise every single person he met. Okay there, buddy. Ease up on the delusion pills!

Having them come over gave me a little peace in my jumbled thought process lately. Not like I'm "Cured" of whatever ails me. But I'm also feeling a TEESEY WEENSEY bit better about other things that have been bothering me. Maybe today was just my day of rest from my issues.

And someone asked me if "when (I) think about how hard that is, not being able to share the gospel with him, hoping that the "right" missionary will come and touch his life, and all that other stuff that is entwined with him not being a member....is marriage worth it?... Because he isn't Mormon and it does cause some differences in (my) marriage, do (I) wish (I) would have done anything differently?" Well, I think a lot of people wonder the same question of me, and so, instead of replying singularly to that person, I'll put it here, so that everyone understands.

Is marriage worth it with Chris? Definitely. I have 2 great kids I wouldn't have if I weren't married to him. I have someone who treats me amazingly, who I love and respect and admire and adore. Marriage itself is hard. There's been copious amounts of times that I've thought that it would be so much simpler to just divorce and start my life "properly" again by marrying someone in the church. I think most half-members feel that way. Well, at least those with my parents! But I know I'm pretty lucky.

So, because I love him, yes, it's worth it. Some days I wonder if I'll feel that it was worth it when my life is over. But I'm not going to live like that-- that's not living.

Do I wish I would have done anything differently? Well, here's my problem about living in the past. I wish I could go back to a day in April, 1996 when I decided to do a biology project with Beau. But I can't. My life wouldn't be anything like what it is now. But most of the time, I see more happiness in my life because of it than sadness. However, would I do my marriage differently. Yes. Without a doubt. I love Chris, so don't misunderstand this.

I think marrying in the temple gives blessings that you just don't know you're missing until it's too late. I will NEVER advocate to ANYONE that marriage outside of the temple is a wise choice. It may be a good choice, but it's not perfect. God's law is perfect, and I didn't choose that path. THAT'S the hard part to live with. I have so much love for my family, and yet I know I don't get to keep them in heaven beside me because of MY choices. Is that fair to them? I don't believe it is. But I'm going to do everything I can to correct that, to enjoy my life with them, and hope that someday I will get that chance to remedy this situation. I love Chris and LL and Bear, and I love the gospel. So I'm always torn. My Bishop once said that marriage outside the temple isn't a sin. And it's not. But you loose out on special things.

It's really hard to explain, and even typing this now doesn't really elucidate what I mean. But, for those of you who aren't married yet... I will NEVER tell you that civil marriage is the right choice. I firmly believe that you'll be a heck of a lot happier-- in the spiritual sense-- if you wait until you find that one who'll take you to the temple. They'll come, if you're willing to wait for them till the time is right. DO NOT think that they'll take you there later-- if they'll EVER take you there, then they'll take you there the first time if you make it clear to them that that's what you want.

So, I hope that answers EVERYONE'S questions. I'm sure it will spring up new ones. I'm sure there's some of you who think I'm unhappy in my marriage. I'm sorry you'll think that, because you're terribly askew on that.

I have it pretty good, actually. Not every temple marriage lasts for eternity, either, so maybe my civil marriage will last through to eternity. And then my family BETTER seal us, or I'll be sure to haunt every last one of them!

So, the day is over again. And what did I do today? Hrmm... well, nothing, actually. Another day of being too tired to do anything...
which has only made me and those around me a little suspicious.

Everyone keeps asking me if maybe I'm pregnant. Okay, before my sibs and friends start overreacting... as far as *I* or my doctor knows, I'm not. So relax.

But I'm always tired. I am hungry, I'm lazy. I'm having horrible mood swings (yeah, like that's a late breaking news flash). And we're moving. And LAST time I moved, I gave birth *ON* moving day 3 hours after possession!
That would SOOO be my luck again. Ug.

So, to dispel any fears on my part, I'm booking an appointment with the Doctor tomorrow. i tried today, but his phone was always busy. I have a stupid prescription for the pill ON my fridge, but you can't take it up to three weeks before any "mishaps", so it's been that long. I hate not being on the pill, because the alternatives really suck.

And actually, come to think of it, I did a lot of house-buying stuff today, because midnight tonight was our deadline to get our finances in order. Lots of runaround phone calls, fax machines that won't work, people needing us to sign this and fill out that... what a pain. I'll be so happy when they are just building the home and I'll be able to just sit back and watch it happen-- and all the stuff will be taken care of already.
Actually, I look forward to just being IN the house.

But my realtor says she may already have someone interested in buying our condo! That's cool, since we're not even ON the market yet. But it's the right price range and everything else, so it MAY be a good option. I don't really care WHO buys it, as long as it sells for a good profit. We got it for a steal 3 years ago, and it's gained a lot of equity in only that amount of time. We're definitely on the upswing from it, that's for sure.

I still haven't told my sister about moving though. I don't want her to know, since she's only a 5-10 minute drive from my home. We do everything together, and we're each other's permanent babysitter. We aren't in the same ward, though, so at least we live far enough away that we're not in each other's space 24/7. Still, I know she'll be a little disappointed, as I am. It's kinda bitter sweet. But at least I'm not moving to another city or anything. Just the opposite side of town.

I don't really want to tell ANYONE from my ward about it too. It's taken me so long to really feel like I have friends in this ward, and now I have to leave it. The ward I'm in is AWESOME.. and that doesn't happen just anywhere, unfortunately. It's full of young families, and I really need that to feel like I have people who I can talk to. And there's quite a few people who have a lot in common with me, whether it's children's ages, or half-member families, or whatever. Oh well, at least my closest cousin and her husband will be in my new ward. That's cool.