Wishing For Daisy Halos- My Epiphanies Never Cease

I had a few moments. A few, brief breaths when I was able to see myself in a totally new, different way. As though I was able to physically separate my sight with my body, and watch myself in situations. I'm sure, had I been more aware, I would have noticed a little lightbulb turning on above my head.



It's been seven years. I've dreamed about him, remembered him, anguished over "what ifs" and "if onlys", cried over him. I've done things that I only did because of his influence in my life, either when we were together, or when we weren't. He evoked more out of me in the way of feelings than anyone other than Chris has ever managed... in the good AND bad ways.

I hated it. I hated thinking about him nearly every day. Wondering what he was doing now. Wondering if he thought of me with the same unfinished business attitude. Always seeing something to remind me of the US that once was. I managed to shove all the bad things aside, and long in some twisted manner for the things that were good. And there weren't that many.

And then, I got married. I compared the two, realizing just how similar they are. It actually bothered me! What bothered me the most was finally wanting to get over him, and not being able to stop thinking about him incessantly.

The worst was at night. Laying with Chris at my side, holding my hand, and yet, I was dreaming of him. Of yesteryears. And the dreams weren't pleasant. I would be cheating on Chris or killing the guys wife or something horrible, and I'd only wake up feeling unrested and guilty for things I couldn't control. It was so bothersome. I hated dreaming.

Then, in Vancouver, I saw him. He didn't see me, and I tried not to let anyone else see me look his way. I felt like everyone KNEW I had thought this much of him, so I didn't want them to think I wasn't "over" it. When I was.

I saw him. And, although he was giving service to someone, the Lord heard my prayers and showed him to me in a true colour. I didn't hurt. I didn't want to talk to him. In fact, for a brief second, I was nearly angry at him. I was disgusted at him, at myself for letting him affect me this much. In that same, split second, he was gone. In every sense.

I haven't dreamed those dreams since. I haven't thought of him more than maybe once. I told Chris about it when I got home, and how good it felt to be rid of those feelings of pain and anger and whatever else. It felt kinda weird telling him all this, but we talk about everything and I really value that in our marriage. He made me feel good, though, when he said he was happy FOR ME to have that moment in my life. The clarity at last.

Seven years. If it took the Lord 7 earth years to answer that prayer, I HOPE He'll show me pity and answer my most recent prayers a lot sooner than that. Seven years-- only 4 left?

I am finally free.