Wishing for Daisy Halos - When God Closes a Door

We went to the house today, again. Always. It's kinda a new past-time we've developed. So yah, they were putting up the shingles. The other day, we went for an "unofficial" walk through the house. They had the windows on and the walls done and all that, so it was like walking through a skeleton. Pretty neat, but I can't wait until it's REALLY done.

First things first, sell this house. Man, I hate keeping the house so dang clean. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE having a clean house, but Chris doesn't do dick all around here and so I'm left to do it ALL. It's getting tiresome, especially when I have to pick up his clothes and put the dishes he used away-- like he can't do THAT himself. Don't vacuum, don't wash walls, don't do laundry-- but for heaven's sake! Put your dirty clothes in the hamper-- that's not too difficult.

We had our first showing today, though, and naive as it is, I am still hopeful that the lady will put in an offer tomorrow. Not likely, but I'm keeping my hopes up. the longer I have to keep this house clean, the worse my headache's gonna be.

I thought I had something profound and great to share. But I don't. pbbt.

Oh yah,.. except for this. GO FLAMERS GO! :)

Wishing For Daisy Halos- My Epiphanies Never Cease

I had a few moments. A few, brief breaths when I was able to see myself in a totally new, different way. As though I was able to physically separate my sight with my body, and watch myself in situations. I'm sure, had I been more aware, I would have noticed a little lightbulb turning on above my head.



It's been seven years. I've dreamed about him, remembered him, anguished over "what ifs" and "if onlys", cried over him. I've done things that I only did because of his influence in my life, either when we were together, or when we weren't. He evoked more out of me in the way of feelings than anyone other than Chris has ever managed... in the good AND bad ways.

I hated it. I hated thinking about him nearly every day. Wondering what he was doing now. Wondering if he thought of me with the same unfinished business attitude. Always seeing something to remind me of the US that once was. I managed to shove all the bad things aside, and long in some twisted manner for the things that were good. And there weren't that many.

And then, I got married. I compared the two, realizing just how similar they are. It actually bothered me! What bothered me the most was finally wanting to get over him, and not being able to stop thinking about him incessantly.

The worst was at night. Laying with Chris at my side, holding my hand, and yet, I was dreaming of him. Of yesteryears. And the dreams weren't pleasant. I would be cheating on Chris or killing the guys wife or something horrible, and I'd only wake up feeling unrested and guilty for things I couldn't control. It was so bothersome. I hated dreaming.

Then, in Vancouver, I saw him. He didn't see me, and I tried not to let anyone else see me look his way. I felt like everyone KNEW I had thought this much of him, so I didn't want them to think I wasn't "over" it. When I was.

I saw him. And, although he was giving service to someone, the Lord heard my prayers and showed him to me in a true colour. I didn't hurt. I didn't want to talk to him. In fact, for a brief second, I was nearly angry at him. I was disgusted at him, at myself for letting him affect me this much. In that same, split second, he was gone. In every sense.

I haven't dreamed those dreams since. I haven't thought of him more than maybe once. I told Chris about it when I got home, and how good it felt to be rid of those feelings of pain and anger and whatever else. It felt kinda weird telling him all this, but we talk about everything and I really value that in our marriage. He made me feel good, though, when he said he was happy FOR ME to have that moment in my life. The clarity at last.

Seven years. If it took the Lord 7 earth years to answer that prayer, I HOPE He'll show me pity and answer my most recent prayers a lot sooner than that. Seven years-- only 4 left?

I am finally free.

Wishing For Daisy Halos- And I've Been Working Like A Dog

So, the past few days from getting home have been tumultuous. Actually, I'm not really sure that's the proper word to use in this instance. Let's try industrious. Whatever. Point is, they've been busy.


Apart from the incessant laundry and normal homemaker kind of jobs that are ALWAYS there, I've had to get the house ready for today-- the day it went on the market! WHOO HOO. (back to that in a sec)

Yah, so I'm FINALLY at the end of the laundry pile, and although I have a few loads to fold, at least there's no dirty clothes piling up in dingy corners. I have cleaned this house like CRAZY. And it feels amazing to walk in to the house and have it be soo dang clean. WOW. Yesterday I rented a carpet cleaner and did the entire house. No more cat pee, no more ground-in cheerios... just a nice, clean carpet. (for this week, at least) My friend took Elysia for the day and Jeremy just totted around on my back in a backpack I have. After walking around downtown Vancouver with him in a backpack, I realized just how much he enjoyed it and how easy it was to keep him amused that way. I'm DEFINITELY going to keep that thing more handy!

My back is killing me though. While carpet cleaning, I managed to dust and put away all those little "nicknacky" pieces that kinda make a home look cluttered. I also washed walls, arranged furniture in a more pleasing configuration and all that kind of good stuff. I have to reiterate-- this place looks freeking awesome!

So, today i finished the rest of the house, washed the floors... etc. Our realtor (my Aunt, actually) came over tonight and we did all the paper work and listed the house. I wanted to list it a little higher based on our property assessment, but based on what OTHERS are selling for, we had to bring our asking price down a bit. Hopefully we don't get too bad an offer. And hopefully that's soon, because man, I don't know how long I can KEEP the house this nice! I feel like such a boring Mom!



So, we drove by the new house today too. They were inserting the windows as we drove up. It's so cool to watch them, but I'm sure the builders were hating us just WATCHING them. Our neighbours drove up, and smiled at each other when they saw me get out of my car and take a picture. I'm sure they did the same thing. But, although I didn't talk to them, I did notice that they have two children. One looked to be about LL's age, possibly a TAD older, and the other one looked to be about Bear's age, like, within a month or so. That's pretty exciting to me.

Then, after the realtor and stuff, I went out with the girls for our Wednesday activity night. We went swimming at the wavepool, and it was great. But after we went to Krispy Kreme doughnuts. What all the fuss is, is totally beyond me. They're doughnuts! Anyways, we stayed there until well after they had closed, just talking and laughing our butts off! (which was a good thing because those doughnuts are COVERED in sugar!) It was great to be without the kids for the longest time in over a month. Now that Bear's taking a bottle, I should do that more often!

Okay, I'm OBVIOUSLY wayyyy too in the mood for talking, so I should probably end this blog and write more useless crap tomorrow. :)

Wishing For Daisy Halos - (no title 7)

Alright, alright, back to "popular" demand (he he, Hi emmie), I fingered it would be about time to write about my trip "home".
It was so nice. I didn't write at all, because I determined that I had a lot of other things to do, than to sit and talk about them here. no offence. But, another issue was that I come on the computer late at night, when everyone's sleeping, because it's practically my only ME time. And, there was so much to say, but I was so tired after chasing my OWN kids around without spousal help, I couldn't find the energy to write.
But, now that I'm sitting here, I feel overwhelmed when I think about everything i want to say about it all.

There's the whole thing about family dynamics and how often I noted people biting their tongues to "keep the peace".

There's my experience at the temple. good, and bad.

There's time spent with friends -- the good and bad about that too!

there's just a lot of little, probably insignificant things, thoughts I had, closures of sorts, just odd things that make a mountain out of a molehill.

So, the main one I want to address, was how wonderful it was to just be home. To be around people I love, my family. To make great memories, to watch such special moments occour in the family-- Uncle and JJ blessing together, the look in my mother's eyes at his setting apart. The pride in Uncle's face when he walked into that celestial room where his whole (endowed) family was waiting to greet him and hug him. I liked watching the look in my siblings eyes when I was cheering them on at games or track meets, I liked watching them love my kids.

I took a million ADORABLE pictures of my kids, but the pictures I took with my heart... those ones, they bring me smiles without the use of an album!

Now, I think I will haunt all your journals and finally reply to the myriad of messages I've read while i was gone.