Isn't It Amazing?

Isnt' it AMAZING what you can find in a basement that hasn't been 100% cleaned in 5 years?

Isn't it excessive amazing how much stuff you forgot you had and realized you haven't NEEDED, USED, or even WANTED in 5 years?

Isn't it disturbing amazing what kind of crap can be left on the curb AFTER a basement guttage, and even more disheartening amazing that I still have two floors of the house to gut? Specifically, the bedrooms and toyroom of broken McDonald Happy meal toys. Ug. I loathe those.

It will be unlikely amazing if the garbage truck takes it all and saves me from a trip to the dump! *edit- The garbage man was obviously in a cranky mood and did NOT take the stuff. BOO. Now I have to clean my van of all the garbage inside it in order to have enough room to stuff it full of MORE garbage and take it to the dump! Where's the logic in that?!

Isn't it overwhelming amazing how, other than the basement, the rest of my house looks DISGUSTING-- boxes of stuff everywhere: one pile for goodwill, one pile of Chris' junk, one pile of stuff for the 8GVs to sort through...

Isn't it depressing amazing how much laundry accrues when you're busy for 3 straight days in a basement?

In Point Form

• I broke down. I bought Twilight. Yah yah, I'm sure I coulda borrowed it from a million people I know, but it was on for 5 bucks at Superstore, and I figured I could splurge that much on myself. Jumping on bandwagons always takes me WAY too long! ;) I need something else to distract me from the dishes anyways!
  
  
• I spent all that time getting my dayhome full, and now two of my three full-timers are leaving. Thankfully, not because of anything the parents weren't happy with. It's the pitfalls of dayhomes. Seriously, though, I HATE putting up forms and doing interviews. And I hate the thought of possibly not having enough kids here to make the paying of bills easier in a month. *grumble*
  
  
• I have been seriously taking a lot of time evaluating my spiritual feelings. It's amazing how simple someone's influence can affect what you think when you aren't expecting it. Some deep conversation, and some things I've said have really opened my eyes to what I TRULY believe deep down. It has been a tough, tough year spiritually for me-- reallyreallyreally high and reallyreallyreally low. I'd like to find a balance.
  
  
• I took some time to myself last night while Chris was at the house with the kids. Thanks to a dayhome Mom who also styles hair, I got my hair dyed. It's darker, and it'll take a bit to get used to looking in the mirror, but it's nice. A "before and after". I tried to recreate the same 'pose', but frankly, it's too early to put on makeup! And, apparently, to smile! lol
  
  
• I also told Chris that I had started the papers. It was really scary to tell him. But thankfully he understands my reasons, so he says. Last night, while he was here, he refused a hug. Tears welled in his eyes all night, and my heart was soooo sore watching it. It is EXACTLY what I was going through back in June. It hurts to watch.
  
  
• I have the weekend off. No kids. Just me and whatever I want to do. :)
  

Wednesday Ws and Word Verification Wednesday

Who: Babbling Brook
What: had a conversation with me
Where: in the car
When: this morning while waiting at the bus stop
Why: because she's cute.

Brook- You and my Uncle should be a good couple... he's having a divortion too!

BAAHAHAH, divortion. Like killing a full-grown, adult baby! haha. I am now loving that word. lol

Who: Me
What: is coping
Where: inside my heart
When: a little more each day
Why: because I have amazing friends. I have made new friendships with people in similar situations and have enjoyed 'comparing notes' and confidences. I have friends, tried and tested, who have stuck by my side through every tear and complaint. I have friends who bring cookies, send little love notes or packages, and speak in certain love languages that are touching and humbling. I hope I can be that friend to these people that they are to me.
And, because I have amazing family. Parents who are there for me whenever I ask. Sisters, who amidst their own phenomenal pain and hurt, have listened to my fears and failures, and have loved me in spite of my faults. Who support me more than anyone ever can. Brothers who hug and call and write messages. I feel loved more and more, and so less alone than ever.

And, because I have amazing faith.
I know I confuse people. But my faith in God and Jesus and the atonement are really bringing me through this. I know I 'chose' Chris to leave. But let's remember, it's never an easy choice to make when a marriage is at stake. It hurts. But sometimes the right choice is the hardest one to make.
So I thank my blogger friends I've never met but love completely, my neighbours, my ward, my dayhome mothers who are my friends as well, my separated/divorcing/divorced friends who 'get me', my Eight Gothic Vagina girls, and everyone who fits into any category above. Thank you. I've needed you.






And that's right. It's Chocolate Wednesday. I will not be having Chocolate today. And I'm okay with that. Besides, I'm not really into Chocolate lately. I'm more into the Candy thing, and had far too much Candy last night. lol.. and I loved it.

Being Wednesday, it's time to play along with Word Verification Wednesday, courtesy of Jillybean. Everyone join in!

My Verification Explanation today:
nernab

kidnapping a computer geek

Verification Explanation

I have LITERALLY started four different posts for today.

Each time I get a few paragraphs down, I realize that even *I* am bored of my lack of eloquence today, so it gets deleted. Grr for brainfarts. I think it's just that I'm tired from 8GV night last night. *I love me some Gothic Vaginas. They rock.

So, instead of me 'entertaining' you (let's pretend that's why you come here, just to make myself feel important!:) ), *YOU* get to play my game and entertain ME. I can't remember whose blog I saw this on, (if it's yours, speak up so I can add a link to your page and make you famous!) but I had so much fun with it, and found it so funny, that I knew I wanted to indulge the rest of you. And, because it's not my idea (not like it would matter if it was), play along on YOUR blog if you like!

***edit: Thanks to JillyBean at Thou Shalt Not Whine, where this idea stemmed from. She runs the game every Wednesday, if you wanna play, visit!

Today, because of my lack of motivational things to talk about, we're gonna play what I'm gonna call "Verification Explanation!"



In the comment box, write what word verification you are expected to type. And make up an explanation to describe what that word means. Fun stuff. The one above is just a silly example- Check out the comment section for my *real* example.

Go..

Leave a comment! it's the easiest comment you'll ever make, seeing as it's already there for ya! ;)





***
Oh, and in case you're keeping track of the score... last night was attempt #3.

SCORE:
Chris' need for me to know when "What do you Think" means "Tell me things I want to hear": increased

Debbi's points for waiting for the "What do you Think?" question: revoked.



It's beginning to look like a LONG season and a losing streak! :S

Running to Catch Up?!

Muse (myz)

n.

1. Greek Mythology Any of the nine daughters of Mnemosyne and Zeus, each of whom presided over a different art or science.

2. muse

a. A guiding spirit.

b. A source of inspiration.

3. muse A poet.



Yep. I got nothin'!!!!

I have so much to catch up on, but it's kinda like laundry. After a while, with so much to catch up on, you simply CAN'T get it done without having a constant stream of further work. I mean, should I try to catch up on telling all the gruesome stories of the holiday antics, but I'd be here for weeks. And that's too overwhelming.

Instead, we'll pretend the festivities with family and friends didn't happen (which they DID, and they were fabulous) and just go to the present time.
School's back in session. And I'm TIRED!!
I have three full-time new kids who are young, and they're taking up a lot of my days with cuddles and diapers. I finally got all the Christmas stuff put away and my house is STARTING to get cleaned from the 2-week hiatus from serious cleaning, aka holidays! But the dayhome is taking more of my daily 'free'time, so I hope blogging isn't too harshly affected. Oh how I miss rambling!

Our ward (congregation) split again and we had our first Sunday together last week. It's still quite large, and young, but it's a good ward. I'm the music director (read: I direct the congregation through the sacrament meeting hymns). Good calling. Not too demanding, every Sunday, and doesn't conflict with Relief Society --- the only adult-time I get during the week!
Because GV night is NOT adult time, clearly! lol (although, GVs, I have missed you so these past few weeks!!)

I have my first night of counselling again tonight. It's been a while since I've seen my counsellor, so it'll be good to catch up. I don't know what to say or where to start, but that's what she's there for, right?! :) Chris has asked numerous times to move in, or has made mention of stuff like that, and I, for some reason, just can't agree to it yet. Don't get me wrong, I'm LOVING the time we're spending together, and the changes he's made. I'm happy with everything, but my fear holds me back. And I hate fear. So we will see what tonight's talk holds.

I am in a fight with my treadmill though. I'm already almost finished 5 weeks of training for the marathon, and I haven't dropped a single pound! Thankfully, during Christmas, I didn't gain anything either. But still, not a single eensy pound has dropped! And, after running a whopping 9 miles on Saturday (and living to tell about it!), you'd think my body would start to realize that carrying extra pounds is kinda counterproductive to the running business.

So, instead, I continue through the week, and will be running 10 miles this weekend. HOW I'm going to do it, I don't know- seeing as I have the kids alone this weekend and can't get out running since Chris is out of town-- therefore, he can't watch the kids while I'm gone for a few hours. Treadmill, here I come. Boo.

*if you, too, are wanting to get in shape, or have made a New Year's Resolution to do something active, check out the "Be-Fit" blog on the sidebar. You're only a few days behind, but it's not too late to start (and sign up if you're in the southern AB area in March)*

I think it's sad how tired I am. It's only the first week back to 'regular', and I'm ready for a vacation!!!!!!

Can I Do This?!

It's official.
Ish.

AHHHHH.
I can't get over my decision!! I'm scared to death, and yet I totally am thrilled with what the next few months hold!!! It's gonna be SO much work! it's gonna test me mentally and emotionally and physically. And I couldn't be more excited and more threatened.

I'm just grateful that I have so many people to count on to 'help' me. To encourage me along the hard days and to cheer with me on the little accomplishments. Good friends like Sin and Becka and MC and Val and Carla- the girls who've walked beside me every step through this type of thing before. For Kare and the 8GVs who hear my complaints and encourage me. And family who pushes me to go for what makes me happy.

And this time, with Chris. He wants it too.

Last night, as I was talking with him, I asked him to commit to me-- to help me, to encourage me and to do everything he can to make it work.

This morning, he said, that no matter what it takes, he will support and help and encourage me.

So.

No excuses. You're all gonna keep me accountable.
I start training for the Nashville Country Music Marathon (held April 25th in Nashville) on Monday. It's my last official day of laziness! ;)

What? you thought I was talking about Chris moving back in? :P

Goodbye 27

I'm 28 today.

I don't think that's old. I'm not afraid of getting old, anyways. There's lots of things to look forward to, and growing old usually comes with wisdom. It'll be nice to finally have wisdom one day! ;)

Dating AND being old. Grrr. That part bites. I think, but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I'm verging on Cougar Age at the bars! Yikes. (not that the bars are where I plan to meet guys, but I LOVE dancing and seem to notice that some guys are young enough to be.. uh... kids who actually LIKED Hanna Montana!! eek. )

Cougar Age: anyone younger than half your age plus seven.
So, to a guy who's 20, I'm a cougar! Ew. Guess what's worse-- guys at the bar are 18!!! LOL

But, I'm embracing my cougarness. LOL I think I'm technically called a Puma. Not quite a cougar yet. Phewsh. lol

It was the first year in over 10 years that I woke up on my birthday alone. No one else in my bed. For over 10 years. (a few years before Chris, I has sleepovers with all my friends and stuff) I don't know how I feel about that.

Being born on Hallowe'en has it's perks. People from all over drop by to wish me a happy birthday ALL night! (their words MIGHT come out as "trick or treat", but I know they're meaning "Happy Birthday". Obviously) And I can get away with calling myself a witch and no one argues with me. (Because I know you were ALL thinking that I was soo far from a witch! ;) )

I've had a lot of interesting talks with friends. The GVs last night helped me make these while we had some good, honest and open-hearted conversations, I've talked with EF today where I told her how I was feeling and what's going on with me watching her kids, and had some revealing conversations with few people via emails. This year is going to prove interesting, I'm sure.

You and Your Little Dog Too!

Last night we de-gunktified the five punkins that were sitting on our doorstep for the past three weeks. (We picked them up at Thanksgiving in Creston). Amazingly they weren't rotten, but even more amazingly, we haven't had much bad weather to rot them with.

Pre-pumpkin:
Mid (de-gunktified) Pumpkin: End result Pumpkin: I think this is the first year I've lived in Calgary that we haven't had a big snowfall by Hallowe'en. And this post better not jinx that. Seriously, one year, we were trick-or-treating in FREEZING weather and sliding on the icechunks on the sidewalks. It sucked. There were people in their homes handing out hot chocolate to the parents with the kids!!!

I'm glad it's a mild one this year, as Mimi's costume is slightly thin and won't fit a large coat underneath. She wanted to be a witch this year, so thankfully my mother lives near a clearance store and got her a really, really cute witch costume for a few bucks. Score! I don't know where Meems has even SEEN a witch, but she knows what they sound like!
And it may entirely be possible that she learned it from the way I sound when I'm angry that she's up past her bedtime, but it could just as likely NOT be. muahaha.

So, here's our prep for Hallowe'en.
Costumes: CHECK
Pumpkins: CHECK
Decorations: CHECK
Pumpkin Seeds (washed, dried, seasoned and ready) to Be Cooked Today: CHECK
Too much candy that will NEVER get all handed out.. and will HAVE to be eaten, shamelessly, by yours truly: CHECK CHECK CHECK
One Night Of 8 Gothic WITCHES carving more pumpkins in their traditional GV Hallowe'en shirts: CHECK
(Can you believe I made this shirt years ago? A bit of foreshadowing, much?? :P Other shirts included ones saying, "Witch", "Hallowe'en Apples", "Boo-B", "Meow" and, my personal fave, "Tricks For Treats". hahaha Us 8GVs are gonna rock out with our... frocks out??)

I think that's it, right? What else could a witch want?!

Yep, Candy Fridays, Yo!

It's a GV thing. kinda.
Well, TECHNICALLY, it's a Sin and I thing. But the GVs are in it too.

Let's settle in for storyhour.

Once upon a time, little red ride-the-hood (A.K.A Sin) was eating crazy amounts of Chocolate one Wednesday. (And yes, I make fun of her non-stop in stupid names we give each other, but in reality, she's a great gal :) ) She and I were both trying to lose weight.. correction... She and I ARE both trying to lose weight. When one is trying to lose weight, it's always good to have a friend or support-system to call in those moments of weakness. Which, when it comes to Sin, those weak moments are OFTEN! -She has NO self-control. HAHA. which is why I love her.

ANYwhoodle,
So she called me in her Chocolate-coma, and, in true friend fashion, I did NOT remove the Chocolate. I mean, cummon-- you do NOT take another friend's Chocolate from their hands. It's just rude. And warrants a SERIOUS flogging from said friend and other women worldwide. Do NOT take another friend's Chocolate!!! No, I did not steal her Chocolate, I simply reassured her that on Wednesdays, Chocolate has zero calories. You can eat as much Chocolate as you like and indulge like CRAZY on Wednesdays with NO calories. :) See? True friends know caloric intake of Chocolate on certain days. And, believe you me, some days you do NOT want to eat Chocolate.

Like today.

Nope. Today is Friday. Thus, Candy Friday. You guessed it. Same idea as Chocolate Wednesday, but this time we eat Candy. Well, in all fairness, most of the time we don't ACTUALLY eat Candy, but we like to imagine we were! :D The best Candy for Fridays is hard Candy, because you don't need as much, and, because you usually have to suck on it, it lasts that much longer. Candy Friday came after Chocolate Wednesday (we also have Pizza Monday, and Taco Tuesday, and Milkshake Thursday). Sometimes, but NOT ALWAYS, you can cheat and have Candy AND Chocolate on the same day like in M&Ms (Candy-coated Chocolate), but, really girls, that's just a bit too much, no? (By the way, Fudge is NOT the same as Chocolate. Clearly)

Rules:

1. Chocolate can *and should* be eaten often. Some even believe it should be taken daily!! Indulge, but remember, there are ONLY no calories on Wednesday. Enjoy your Chocolate, women, but don't tell your friends about it on ANY other day than Wednesday. Some women are on certain Chocolate-reduced diets and don't like to hear it.
2. DO NOT SHARE CHOCOLATE!!! Women NEVER share Chocolate. It is against the rules. Stealing another woman's Chocolate results in unmentionable consequences. Have you ever TRIED to steal Chocolate from another woman?? It's dangerous. Fear for your life. A woman scorned, I tell ya, a woman scorned!!!
3. ANY Chocolate the woman desires is acceptable forms of Chocolate. For instance, some women prefer the kind you can break (like me-- that way, you don't have to have the WHOLE thing at once and it makes you feel better about eating the entire thing in one sitting!!), some prefer certain coloured Chocolate over the others (I'm partial to white or light Chocolate, I think black leaves a bitter aftertaste) and some prefer types with fruit or nuts (I'm NOT a fruit girl, but I AM a nut girl. mmm) Oh, and caramel. Yes, I love me some Chocolate with gooey caramel inside!
4. You may share SOME Candy, but in general, women shouldn't *(and don't) share Candy well either. I've been known to share Candy once in a while with ONLY my closest friends, but I, for one, DO NOT SHARE CHOCOLATE!!! I have done that, and I'm NOT okay with it. See rule #2!!!
   
5. Yes, as you may have noticed, Chocolate and Candy are ALWAYS capitalized. Always. It's a rule. Don't fight it.
   

So, enjoy Candy Friday, women around the world!!! And Sin, (and the others who already knew the Chocolate/Candy story- the GVs, some sisters of mine, a few chosen friends)... FYI: I will be enjoying my own Candy today. But if you feel like sharing-- I'm here. :)

Burning Questions Answered

Here's your questions answered from the last post. If you still have more questions, add them to the post here, and I'll answer them.

• What are your feelings on your new "twins"? Would you change anything? How has it changed you if it has? Or your relationships? How BIG are they? -Anon #1 (although, I know who you are. BOOBS right back, silly! LOL) I LOVE THEM!! I thought, at first, they were too big. But they're settled now, and proportionate, and, incredibly, smaller than they were at the beginning of X-Weighted. So, I've in fact been BIGGER than this!! Whouda thunk?! I wouldn't change anything, no. It was a simple surgery, a great doctor, a great price, and I LOVE THEM. It makes me feel sexier, for SURE! I like wearing clothes (tops) MUCH more. I feel more like the 'me' in my head. My relationships? Well, considering that the only relationship I have is with Chris, it didn't change much. Yah, he thinks they're nice, but that's not a 'relationship changing' surgery. Or, in my opinion, it SHOULDN'T be! As for other friend-relationships: I don't know how they affected it-- why don't you tell ME!? Family: I am loved by people who may shake their heads at my choices, but love me anyways. They're great family. How big are they??? LOL-- SSSSEEEEECCCCRRREEETTTT!! LOL Okay okay. They're 32 Gs.
• Are you and Chris back together? -Anon #2 ( let's just assume that each Anon in this entry is a separate person) No, not really. We're talking about becoming such, and he spends a lot of time with us, but that will take a LONG time to decide. I will not rush into this. There's too much to discuss and determine and figure out before that is decided. See Anon #6's question for further conversation on this.
  
  
• Do you think I am crazy?! Do I sound as messed up as I think I do? (referring to last night) -DebbieJo DJo: This is something we could talk about personally. But no, you're not crazy. You're depressed and postpartum, which is something I have been and something I can definitely relate to. It is hard to be a new mom and a wife and a friend and a daughter and LDS and and and... sometimes things seem out of order and way above your head. That black cloud, as much as you WILL it to go away, just doesn't. I get you. Where you are is where I've been. But you need to find help. For real. And as much as the GVs can help you release your emotions, we're not professionals. Lastly, you already know what I have to say to you. You just need to start believing it. And you will, when you're ready.
  
  
• Are you sleeping with Chris? -Anon #3 I am not a private person, nor do I have ANY secrets.. But this is a sort of question that Chris would be upset that I answered because he'd feel it doesn't matter what the answer is-- you don't need to know. (See the following question about if he reads the blog.) You and I can both realize that no matter WHAT I answer to this, it will sound like a "yes", so basically, I'm doomed if I don't answer, doomed if I do. (If I answer, I've broken my agreement with Chris) Those who are close to me already know how I feel about the thought of sleeping with Chris, so if you don't already know, it's probably because we're not close and I don't feel the need to confide in you. (not trying to be offensive, but it's the truth. If I know you, and you asked me PERSONALLY - not anonymously or on a blog where strangers hide, I would answer you with a yes or a no)
  
  
• Does Chris read this blog? If so, what does he think of it?! -Anon #4 No, in general he doesn't read this blog. In fact, he hates this blog. He's only read a few entries... This one. (and the one that prefaced it) And This one. And this one he edited, as I was fairly upset and wanted to make sure that I didn't say something that would be misunderstood or hurtful. In general, he feels that I tell too many things to too many people (although, he knows that's just the type of person I am), and strangers who don't know him know more about him than some of his friends do. He doesn't like me sharing things about US, as he thinks it's not anyone's business. And he's right. So, since he's voiced that opinion to me, I've tried not to share our REALLY private conversations and respect that request from him.
  
  
• Do you pick your nose? -Kat Uh, YAH I DO!! Feels good, too! Seriously? Don't you?
• If, Heaven forbid, something awful happened to the kidlets and they were no longer here, would you regret being with someone who's had a vasectomy? Would you want more "birth" kids? Would you adopt? Or would you be "done", anyways? -Kare Kare, you're a brat! LOL Okay. No, I would never regret being with someone who's had a vasectomy. It's reversible, if we BOTH wanted to birth more kids. And secondly, I didn't decide to spend my life with his sperm! (hahahahah, that sounds SO gross) I don't think I'd want more 'birth' kids, no. I'd decide that later, but (assuming I'm with Chris) we HAVE three kids. They're still our babies. I would adopt, yes. I may adopt later in life, though, and get my nursing degree BEFORE that. THAT BEING SAID, if I wanted more kids and was married to someone ELSE (not Chris), I would consider having more birth babies.
• What do you do or where do you go if you want/need time for yourself? (I mean other than GV nights). -Claudine Well, other than TV or watching sappy movies, sometimes I run or go for a walk. Or I hit the stores. I'm a bit of a retail-therapy girl, although most times I enjoy just walking the mall and buying NOTHING.
  
  
• Anything you'd say to me that you don't?-Kiki No. I think you know me well enough to know that I pretty much love you to death and have said what I think about you to you already! LOL You already know you rock, you make me love you more and more each time I watch you dance (ROFL!) and you're WAY TOO PICKY about guys! hahaha. (meh, but what do I know about picking guys?!!!!) And lastly, any guy who 'keeps' you is in for the funniest, quirkiest, most talented, most loving and spiritually uplifting time of eternity.
• How on earth did you guys come up with GV, as the title of your girls night? (the real meaning of GV )I'm sure it's an interesting story! -Cheryl 8GVs stands for '8 Gothic Vaginas'. There's not 8 of us, before you ask. It started one night-- a very LATE night, while we were watching TV at one of our homes. We were watching MTV's Video On Trial. This one judge (this one) kept giving really funny 'verdicts', and, since EVERYTHING is funny when it's late at night, they kept getting better and better. At one point, she gave a video "8 Gothic Vaginas out of 10", and for some reason, we loved it. A few weeks later, a husband of ours commented that our stupid "cult" needed a name. We brainstormed, and when '8 Gothic Vaginas' was selected, it just seemed to work. Thus, 8GVs was born. Shirts and 'titles', hand signs, and logos came later. haha. Oh, and we only kill chickens every Third Thursday on full moons.
  
  
• Has it been hard to maintain you weight loss? What's your current weight? -Anon#5 Actually, no, it's not hard to maintain the weightloss. I am up about 10 pounds from the lowest I got (so, for those who are keeping track, I'm at about 147) but I also haven't been running AT ALL since returning from B@@bapalooza. That trip (well, the surgery, not the trip itself) put on 15 pounds. Then I lost about 10. Because of my no-running, I'm at about 5 pounds up. So, I'm gonna work on that, and hopefully keep going back to the 137 I was at. or less. healthy is most important to me, and without running, I'm starting to feel much less healthy.
  
  
• If you haven't gotten your "job", do you think it would of made a difference in your relationship with Chris, as it now stands. Do you think people can really be sincere and actually change and start over in such a short time? Do you ever worry about STD's? -Anon#6 Wow, three good ones. Funny, there's a lot of Anons interested in my love life. lol No, my boobjob didn't affect my relationship with Chris as it now stands. Like I've said many times, it was talked about YEARS AGO with him. More importantly,my body-shape isn't his type anyways. Not that anyone probably wanted to know, but Chris is a butt-guy, not a boob-guy. lol
  
  
  • (I'm double-bulleting this because your three GREAT questions are all very distinct and I don't want them to be lost or misunderstood) I do think it's possible for people to really be sincere and actually change and start over in short periods of time. I believe it can even happen overnight, like Alma the Younger. But, I'll assume here that you're talking about Chris or EF. Well, it hasn't been overnight. It's been months of therapy, months of HUGE changes to lifestyles, and months of serious contemplation and conversation. ANNNNDD, I'm not thinking 'Oh wow, they're perfect and 100% changed.' I'm taking things slowly with Chris for many reasons, one of them being to test how sincere those good changes truly are. And EF, I'm keeping at a distance for now.
    
    
  • I don't worry about STDs, no. I mean, I did, after the whole EF thing. But I MADE Chris get tested as soon as I found out, and I got tested a day or two after he did. We were both negative, thank goodness. So, I *DID* worry about it, but I don't today.
• Do you still have those HOLY CRAP days, or have you found a solution? -Marci BAHAHAHAH!!! yes, Marci, I have found a few solutions. :P Although, don't even YOU get HOLY CRAP days?!!!!! ;)
• What do you REALLY think about all your family members? Are there any you don't get on with or understand? Will you really tell truthful answers to all these questions or just what people want to hear? -Anon What I REALLY think about all my family members really depends on how far into my family we get. My kids and my husband; I think it's fairly obvious how I feel about them. My parents: see this blog entry . My sisters, although sometimes we don't agree on lifestyles or choices, are my biggest supporters and sounding boards and shoulders to lean on. They make me the happiest sister in the world. My brothers are similar, but a bond with sisters is hard to explain. I am lucky to be in their family. My grandparents and aunts and uncles, cousins and extended relatives are all special in different ways. But some I get along with better than others. Some I don't even talk to more than once every funeral or wedding. But none that I am 'fighting with' and none that I wouldn't be friendly to. With such a large extended family, there's bound to be some I don't 'understand'. But I also think that's because I don't really know some of them. I've felt judged by some extended family members, but they're my family. And don't we ALL have a few whack-jobs in our families? LOL
  
  
  • And yes. I have been 100% truthful in ALL these answers. My girlfriend, upon seeing this question on the last post, wrote an answer for me: "That's right, anon, you figured me out. I only started this discussion so that I could lie to everyone and fake you all out. I mean, why in the world would I bother to actually answer the questions you all took time to ask? You're right. I should just BS some of my answers, and see if you have the brains to figure out which is which." But, I actually think I'll answer it my way, although her way was entertaining.
    
    I don't really find a reason for telling lies on a blog about ME that *I* write. Lately, it's been something of a journal for me, and that'd be dumb of me to write 'history' incorrectly. Secondly, I don't know what people 'want' to hear-- and, given reactions to previous things in my blog, there's no way to say something to please EVERYONE! You may want one answer, while someone else wants another. It'd be like some people being happy if Chris and I stay together (which, there are many readers here and many non-readers who would be) and some people who'd like nothing more than for us to part (again, I know of some readers AND some non-readers who feel that way). I don't aim to do anything but inform and answer and bring you in to parts of my life as well as I know how. Besides, *I* get to decide, in my honesty, how MUCH information to share. tee hee hee
    
    I know there are a few readers who are going through (or have gone through) what I am currently going through. By being honest, I validate their feelings while validating my own. We are depending on each other so we don't feel as alone in a tumultuous time of life. It's good to have others who can relate. On the other hand, I want to explain what it's like to be in my shoes so that people who AREN'T going through this will hopefully be less judgemental to people who are because they've heard my heart and know what I'm feeling. I have learned that by being vulnerable and honest, people understand that (and can FEEL that) better than if I TRIED to be something I *think* people want me to be. Sorry for the Long-winded answer, but it's also the most important.
    
    
• Other than being a nurse, what else would you like to be or do? -Cyn I answered this before (see 57 or 69 on the link), but thanks a lot for paying attention, Chee! haha. I thought about being an interior decorator (I like home fashion, etc), or a psychologist/social worker. I have also thought that being an underwater basket weaving specialist would really float my boat. (har har har)

• What do you feel the purpose of your life is? Where do you see yourself in five years? If you now could tell you from before anything, what would it be? -Holy Mother Of God The purpose of MY life-- whoa. Although I'm still working on figuring it out FOR ME, I believe that life is a test. That we will return to God and be 'judged' based on our thoughts and actions. Good and bad. I believe, while I'm ON this earth, that I need to use my mortal body to lift others, to be a mother and to gain knowledge. I relate life to a 'Boy Scout' adage of "Leave things better than the way you found them" (ie: take out the garbage from the forest..ect). So, in THIS life, I hope that the world I leave behind is better for having me in it than worse.
  
  • In five years, I hope to be happily married. I hope to be in the middle of nursing school. I hope to be better financially stable and more prepared for emergencies. I hope to be healthy-- active and in good shape. And I hope to have as good friends as I have today. I havent' always had such good friends, so I hope it's not a fleeting blessing.
  • Me-Now would tell Me-From-Before nothing. I think that things are learned when we need to learn them, and ruining that would inevitably change everything after that. And I like the lessons I've learned. They make me stronger, more understanding, and more prepared for the NEXT lesson.
    Okay...actually, I'd tell Me-From-Before that it's a LIE that pregnant people are eating for two. That mentality made me WAY overweight when I didn't need to be. I may be eating for two people, but I don't need to eat , in chocolate, the WEIGHT of two people!
    

Ask Away

So.

I had a meeting with my Bishop last night. Nothing of note-- just a 'how are you' talk. I told him about certain thoughts regarding certain things I'm going through- talked to him about my feelings on aspects of my religion. It was a good talk. And I didn't get called to the calling I was PARANOID I'd be asked to accept--- I HATE doing Primary Music, and that calling just 'came open'. SOOOO, to the "little birdy" who told him I didn't want that calling (and I KNOW you read this blog!!! ;) ) THANK YOU!!!!

I also had parent-teacher interviews with Bear and LL's teachers. All good things to say, in general. Bear's teacher says he's quiet, reserved and hardly says two words at a time to her. LOL-- yep, that's Bear. Or, it is when he's in a situation he's unsure of! LL's teacher says she's a KEEN learner, tries hard and has social issues in knowing how to properly play with others. YEP-- that's LL!! Physical and slightly abrasive to friends. Not news on any front.

GV night last night. Simple, talking with the girls. We spoke of this blog and how the girls don't think they'd be able to post everyday because they feel uninspired. But believe you me-- if you own a blog-- thinking about what to write about is sometimes the hardest part, no?

Whatcha wanna talk about today? I was kinda inspired by SO@24's blog today. Kinda sorta. I was thinking, what would people ask me if they were given the oppourtunity to ask anything?!!!

So, I'm opening the floor up to ya'll. Ask me anything, either through my email, or as a comment. I shall answer in a post to come. Never tried this before... maybe I'll hate it. Maybe there's nothing you guys don't already know-- or maybe I'm dillusional into thinking that you actually have something you WANT to know! lol

I Did It To Myself

I have the WORST stomach ache right now. I woke up in agonizing pain, used the bathroom (I know, a little TMI) and still am keeled over sitting here. Pain pain pain.

I think it has to do with my 'late night' snacking. It was girls' night, and we had birthday cake for Sin. We also had Peanut M and Ms, and Real Fruit Gummies. mmmm, but today I'm paying for it. Owwie.

Sucky on top of sucky, my throat is sore. Like, getting-a-yucky-cold sore. And my right nostril is plugged. And this sucks. I havent' been 'sick' in a while, and I'm sure if I was out exercising more lately I'd be healthier. Bad diet and no exercise = yucky Debbi.

I WOULD run-- I even got all 'done up' the other night. X-weighted on the TV, the TWO sports bras on and holding me in so tight I'm sure my breasts were popping out my BACK!! Runners double-knotted... I pulled the treadmill out from the wall where I 'stored' it for the summer, and plugged it in. Nothing. Oh, then I remembered the power switch. On. ????? Nothing still. After trying other plugs, and jiggling cords and whatnot, still nothing. GRRRR.. Actually, not even GRRRR. I was sooooo mad, as winter is FAST approaching and I was treadmillless!! I was livid. ROAR!!

So I called my sister and cleaned. LOL I'm such a girl.

Bear HATED Beavers last night. Sat on the side of the gym and pouted. The WHOLE time. Wouldn't do anything, talk to anyone, play any games... nothing. ???? I don't know why, but he's my shy boy. And this was a colony with LOTS of kids, so I think it was a bit overwhelming to see that many people he didn't know. We'll try again next week, and see what happens.

For girls' night, I had a rough time. We watched a chick flick, which, to anyone in ANY relationship issues, isn't usually a good idea. It kinda depresses me sometimes. Not in a big way, but I went to bed kinda sad. I heard some things last night that confirmed my insecurities, and although it's NOTHING, it's hard to hear. That's what insecurities are: something absolutely stupid that's usually only in your head, and the SLIGHTEST thing sets you into this freak-out. You know?

In boob news, I am OUT of bandages now. No more wearing a bra to sleep! It's very very liberating!!!!! I went and got properly sized at a reputable bra-fitting store. I am NOT the "D" the nurses at the clinic told me to expect to be. But whatever. Good to know.

I Love My Girls!

Ever laughed so hard that your boobs hurt? No? Just me? hm.. nevermind then. I think there's nearly NO part of my body that wasn't "clenching" in laughter last night- the first GV night since EVER. It was one of those nights we ALL needed, and it didn't fail to deliver. Man, how can you not love girls like this?? LOL And yes, they all met my new two members of the GV group... boob D and boob D2. (I know, DJo, you probably didn't want me telling everyone about that, hey? LOL)

We ate Fruit Pooh, which is only the yummiest concoction to ever come out a machine. Check it out-- frozen fruit turned into pulp that rivals ANY frozen yogurt, yet is PURE fruit and delish! MMM.

Yes, I love my GV girls!

And yes, I am learning to love my 'girls' too. As they get better and I don't shock myself when I look in the mirror. Kinda like that first time brushing your hair after a drastic haircut-- takes some getting used to, no matter HOW great the new look is.

And I love my girls, too.
LL and Mimi. I love Bear, too, but we're gonna talk about my girls today. Mimi has been beating the potty-training patience of mine. She was doing so fantastically until I left for b@@bapalooza, and since coming home, has been pretty hit and miss. As in, hit the floor and miss the potty. By a lot. Like, a whole other room! We POOHED on the floor yesterday. Lucky for me, she had diarrhea too-- that was super fun to clean up. GRRR. So, I'm hoping that she'll go back to the good job of training again. She sure liked being bribed, so I may start that up again for a week to kick start her memory.

LL, on the other hand, has been acting out something fierce. Fighting with people, backtalking to Chris and I, and worst- she's been stealing from AND lying to her friends. Then she lied to another friend, RIGHT after we got in a LARGE discussion about how to be a good friend and the consequences, etc. THEN she lied to me. It actually broke my heart, and I started tearing up as I told her that part of the reason Daddy doesn't live with us anymore is because he lied to Mommy too. That it really hurt me, and that the last thing I can handle is my children ALSO lying to me. The tears fell from my cheeks, and from the look of sorrow and sympathy on her face, I think she 'got it'. Until tomorrow. But hopefully something kicks in here.

We notice little things about her behaviour. I'm hoping that with school starting, and a little bit of a challenge and structure, she'll be better in a few months. That, and she'll see that neither Chris nor I are leaving HER, and that she's still loved to death by two parents who are working HARD *as a team* to do what's best for her. Maybe I'm not doing it right according to others, but I'm trying.

According to the 'experts', we're doing everything right related to how to help her through this change in her life. And according to the Lord, I'm trying. And there's nothing else I can do-- ask you all to love my daughter and help her feel secure. Ask you to pray with me for continued guidance on my behalf on how to help her grow up to be loved and spiritual-- a village to raise a child, right? And then, I need to do what the experts suggest. And rely on the Lord. And just remind myself that it's not really in my hands after that.

Friday rocks.

And Yellow ones-- because they're super cool and pretty. Why is it that certain flowers really make me smile, whilst others just annoy me? (like peonies or Marigolds!?)

So, last night was entertaining and good. I had 'issues' with getting Chris served, which actually put me in a pretty crappy mood, as we had set everything up and then he decided he was too drunk to come get them. GRRR. Then he called later and was feeling fine, so he decided to come after all. Then the paperwork was worded incorrectly, and he and I decided that instead of just 'leaving' the issue alone, we'd rather have it done the way we talked about. So now the paperwork is back with my lawyer.
Annoyed that I can't start the ball rolling, but I also would rather fix things NOW than have to deal with the issues later. And we want them done in certain ways (read: type of custody and legal wording)

Then GV night was at my place-- a bonfire. Always a hit. Especially when one GV brings coloured thingies to change the colour of the flame. OOOOOHHHH, preettttyyyy! lol

I just got back from the Tim Horton's Mediator. I was really upset that I arrived 1/2 hour late- STUPID downtown construction and traffic and parking and trains and and and. So, she was worried it'd be an interview that doesn't cover everything. Instead, she seemed pleasantly surprised that I had taken the course, and that every question she asked seemed to match Chris' answers too. She actually was HAPPY with everything I told her, reassured me that fixing the papers now was a better idea than progressing another way, and complimented the two of us on our communication and maturity in dealing with issues that most people aren't comfortable discussing. So, it was a nice validation for me.

Now a weekend with no kids. none. not one. Wow. I mean, THIS is what my regular day looks like. HAHA, and I get PAID to do this! :)

Now I'm on to "me mode" for the weekend.