Tuesday Tidbits

A post of tidbits. Not Timbits... although... I had some of those with the dayhome kids yesterday, and forgot how gross they are. I mean, I love donuts as much as the next person, but timbits are so much drier. Although, the handy bite-size makes me feel less guilty when I eat 20 of them. Those powder-covered ones are my fave!!

Last night, I donned my VERY FUN wedding shoes, and went with my lovely friend, Becka, dress shopping again at a friend's bridal store. Funny enough, the dresses we narrowed it down to are TOTALLY different than the dress from the other fitting with Sin and Babbling Brook. hmmmmm. Now what do I do? If Will didn't read the blog, I'd ask all of you your opinions. Alas, no pre-wedding shots here. But I'll help ya out-- just imagine: white or off-white dress. To the floor, or slightly above the knee. fitted on the waist or empire waistband. Low cut or not. Sleeveless or strappy or full-arms... :)

Invitations are out. That feels good.

And today's the last day I have with my longest-standing dayhome child! :( I've had Andrew for over 2.5 years now. It's sad that today's my last day with him. Moving on to bigger and better things.

House NEEDS TO SELL!!!!!!

yah. That's it for today. Pretty lame post- busy dong laundry and cleaning and getting ready for the long weekend coming up.

And check out this blog: www.cutelikemegiveaways.blogspot.com They always do fun give-a-ways. Not to mention, Hailey's awesome herself. After all, only the awesomest of people have a birthday on a holiday.

When Ya Gotta Go...

So, the showing yesterday....

For ya'll who aren't from Calgary, it's been rainy and thundery and lighteny lately 'round these parts. (and, apparently, that kind of weather brings out my inner Honkey tonk-- sheesh, ONE day at the Stampede and my cool quotient is GONE!)

So, yesterday, when the showing happened, I had the dayhome kids with me. We couldn't walk to the park, as it was not only rainy but COLD outside. And so I packed them into the van, and we drove down the street to watch a movie on the DVD player, and wait the hour.

An hour in a parked car with 7 kids is ANNOYING!!!!! At about 10 minutes to the end of the hour, the two three-year olds tell me that they both have to potty. And by 'have to', they mean NOW. In fact, Mimi even suggested that she peed on the grass. Which, not that it mattered to her, was someone's front lawn.

SO I drove home. Usually, the showing only takes 10 minutes tops. So arriving back at the house 10 minutes early isn't usually a big deal. But when I got in the house, there was no indication (business card, lights off) that anyone had arrived.

So I called my realtor, wondering if this was a cancelled showing again. It wasn't, so we were both confused.

All the kids went out to play.
And then all the kids came inside screaming, "They're HERE! The people who want to see the house are heeeeeere!!"

Great. Two minutes of the hour left.

I shove all the kids back out to the van, shoeless or not. Appologizing to the realtor for being in the house, she and her clients watch me pack the van profusely full of children.

I get in the van.
"Everyone in?"

"No. Andrew isn't!"

oh crap.
So I run into the garage door to find Andrew. He's still in the bathroom. (one of the three year-olds who needed to potty) Luckily, he didn't lock the door, so I go in to rush him out.

OH CRAP.

LITERALLY.

He has poohed his pants, smeared it all over the toilet seat, down on the floor, IN BETWEEN HIS TOES, and all over himself. And, the realtor and the clients are already IN the house!!!!

I grabbed a towel, wrapped him in it, wiped the toilet with wet toilet paper just to make it LOOK clean (ew. SOOO sanitizing that when the showing is over!) and clean the floor. turn on the fan because MAN IT STINKS IN HERE, and pick up poop-boy and get into the van.

Then I drive down the street, and spend 20 minutes cleaning poop off a child with wet wipes that I keep in the car for emergencies.



I'm sure THIS will be the couple that buys the house, right? ;)

Catch Up From The Weekend

I'm sad that my blogging is 'failing'. My pre-post option isn't functioning properly on blogger, and I had posts pre-written and scheduled that never showed up while I was away from the computer. (So, No, Cate, it wasn't your google reader). What makes me most sad is that I have ten kids a day here at the dayhome for the next 2 weeks, and finding a few minutes to blog is tough. So preposting may sound like a great idea, but the posts aren't posting anyways. Expect sporadic, semi-discombobulated posts like this one!

Yesterday, I had ten kids. And two showings! We spent the first one at the playground. The second one was during dinner hour, so thankfully Sin and her family invited us to eat and have Family Home Evening with them.

BY THE WAY, 10 kids eat over a loaf and a half of bread for lunch sandwiches! It was a lot of bread!

THANKFULLY, I had Will helping me. And Uncle Kannie. AND Auntie Kennie (Uncle Kannie's ex girlfriend came over to see the kids, too). Will stained my deck, which looks AMAZINGLY better. He fixed the broken screen on a window, and put the basement back together from the leak.

I would take a picture, but my camera battery died this weekend in the middle of when I went to Waterton with my kids to play with Will. So, no such hot pictures!

Friday night, I picked up Uncle JJ from the airport, and we drove (quite late at night) to my parents' home. Slept there, and enjoyed a lazy morning before I packed the munchins up for Waterton. Once checking in with my painting Will, I took them to the classic touristy spots, since they'd never been.

We had lunch, got ice cream, and lucky for us, there was a play in the park put on by the "rangers", so we enjoyed some free entertainment too. And then the camera died. :(

Once we picked up Will and his son B-Ray (whom, from hereafter is referred to as "Bigguy" because that's what Mimi calls him) and the other painter, we drove to Cameron Lake and went on a bit of a hike through the trails before the boys jumped into the glacial water!!!

Saturday night, Gramma D watched my kids so Will and I could go on a date. Which, really, consists of visiting friends and looking at houses to buy. We may (or may not have) gotten MORE ice cream, and then we drove out into the outskirts of town, passing eagles and bucks and mosquitoes galore!

Then, we watched the AWESOME night sky. Overlooking the city and the temple, the stars that night were absolutely breathtaking. We saw about 7 shooting stars! A few satellites and a huge crick in the neck later, we left. It was very sweet and romantic.

Sunday: church. Dinner. Naps. Walks.... and then a drive home.

All in all, a nice, easy weekend. Just my favourite kind!
And now I'm off to get ready for ANOTHER showing in a few hours and to go charge my camera batteries!

And if anyone tries to tell me how much of a bad mother I am, I'm so ready to open a can of something on their sorry butts!

I know, I haven't blogged a whole lotta anything lately.

So here it is. A long one. Be warned. And it's also slightly venting- so, skip ahead to the comments and leave some non-related lovely thoughts because I'm in a blahghgh mood and wouldn't want to ruin your otherwise happy day should you read this horrible monologue.



I had bad-mom night. I kinda had bad-day yesterday in general.

First off, it started off perfectly fine. In truth, it was AWESOME. I took three kids to the passport office, highly anticipating a long couple-hour wait in a line of decrepits. (no clue why I think only scary, dirty people go to passport offices-- just some stupid ignorant thought I have. Don't tell me I'm ignorant. I know)

Lucky for me, I walked right into the office, the ONLY person there. I was in and out of that government building within 5 minutes. Which is sweet, because as I walked out, 5 different people walked in. Of course, they were all regular people decrepits. And I'm sure I was minutes away from catching West Nile or something airborne. (It's my story. I'm gonna go with it my way.)

But, that was the end of my daily allotment for good things.
I did not find a specific item I was looking for to give to Will for his birthday next week. Looked in three different stores. Have bought it before. Annoyed that it is now 'MIA'. So, I'm taking suggestions for gifts for the most awesome dude ever, whom I've dated for a little over 2 months, and whom I plan to date for a long time. Let's add sentimental, not too cheap, but not ridiculous either. You know. That type of gift. Let the ideas flow.

And I miss Will. He's gone on vacation until next week... and going from talking EVERY DAY FOR 2 MONTHS TO NOTHING IS SUPER SUCKY STUPID SAD HARD, (albeit healthy- I don't want to hear that) TO DO!

I got the kids lunch, and then a phone call came from Sin. She's sick lately, and it worries me a lot. So, I packed up the monkeys and headed downtown, and tried to navigate downtown with construction and one-way traffic. I'm not good at that. Although, I found humour as I turned the wrong-way up a one-way street, where the construction lady looked sideways at me, like I was some person in line at the Passport office on crack! (I was safely behind a barrier, waiting for Sin, it's not like I inadvertently turned that way! I'm not THAT bad of a driver, seriously) But I get a little flustered driving downtown, rush hour or not. Not to mention the downed power line that had a 4-lane road down to ONE LANE! Fetcher who hit the power line is lucky the cops were there-- I woulda busted a cap in his butt. Let's imagine the power line didn't fall on it's own (there were no other cars or people there to blame).

The kids didn't nap, so once I was back home, they were all ready to gash out their eyeballs. And one had thrown up on herself in the car. Funtimes.

Then, a new baby arrived (just for the day) and screamed his head off. THREE HOURS OF SCREAMING!! THREE BLINKING HOURS!! I tried feeding him, I tried distracting him, I tried holding him. I tried everything. It got to my breaking point, where I simply put him in a playpen just so I could close the door for a few minutes before I tried again. Serenity Now.

LL called from the school, wanting to come home 1/2 hour earlier because of a headache. AS IF. Suck it out, buttercup. She loses her temper with me on the phone, and I explain that I dont' have enough seat belts for the 8 kids I have at the house to come get her anyways.

She gets home and immediately starts complaining about how I shoulda picked her up, griping and talking incredibly rudely to me. I suggest taking a nap to see if she feels better. She decides to play outside.

I had an 'evening out' planned. But my hair appointment cancelled. Instead, I was gonna go for a run or something.

I made dinner.
Chris arrived. He informs me that he forgot his volleyball stuff, and will be taking the kids shopping for shorts instead of bathing them and doing their homework.

So, when he returned, they were barely bathed (thank goodness for that) but it was 10 minutes to bedtime. And LL had a letter from her teacher about her homework. And it was yet to be done. And Bear didn't get his done either.

I am at my end.
It is past bedtime.
It is an HOUR PAST BEDTIME!
LL is screaming at me that I won't do her homework for her. That I don't love her to help her... Bear is taking his piddly time getting his own stuff done.

I call the homework to cease, and we have family prayer. LL doesn't join in. She pouts instead. We start without her, and she pouts harder. FINE. JOIN THEN! She joins, and gets into bed, SCREAMING! I give kisses, and walk out the bedroom door. No song tonight-- I'm definitely not in the mood for a lullaby over top of a screamfest.

SHE SCREAMED FOR 15 MINUTES!! like, scream, banshee-esque.

I had enough. I went into her room, told her to stop. She screamed at me. I yelled back. *hear the snap, yet?* I tell her I don't like the way she's treated me tonight. Don't like the way that, when I tried to help her, she got angry and refused to let me help. Told her I didn't like her very much right now.

her little heart broke audibly, as she reiterated between huge sobs, "You don't like me?"

GRRR. Bad mom moment.
"no, I don't. You're not a nice girl right now. you've hurt my feelings all day, and I'm a regular person. Sometimes I'm a mom. And I always love you. But after a whole day of you treating me poorly, and having my feelings hurt all day, I stop being a mom and just become a "Debbi". And right now, Debbi wants to go in her room and be alone."

Ensue tears on both sides.
"you don't love me, Mom?"

my heart breaks as I realize that THIS moment will be one she will likely hold tight to, the way I held tight to certain things my mother said to me in her own 'non-mom' moments when I was a child.

"I'll always love you. You are my pride and joy. I would die for you. I would do anything you asked. I love you with everything I am."

"Then why won't you sing for me?"

"Because singing to you is a gift. And I don't want to give you that gift right now. I'm too sad to give anything else to anyone today. I need to be alone now."

....
I walk away. Took a shower. Cried.

Started missing having a Dad in the home. Not Chris. But a Dad in general-- someone who could take over when Mom is tired. When Mom is losing it, they come in and let Mom hide out in the shower. They would have interfered before I got to the whole "you don't love me, mom?" moment!

In fact, I was angry at Chris, so it wasn't like I was missing him. Because of his stupidity and forgetfulness, the kids' routine was ruined that night. And angry, that because he gets to walk in and out of their day as he pleases, and I'm left with the tornado aftermath. He doesn't 'do' homework. He doesn't get the letters from the teacher. He doesn't deal with the kids being overtired because they didn't get it done earlier. He doesn't have to wake them early to finish it, and still make sure they're on the bus on time, pulling teeth the entire morning. He doesn't deal with their attitudes. Daddy's time is always rainbows and unicorns and all that crap.

Went to go double check the locks on the doors downstairs, where a little voice, cracking, called out my name as I shut the bedroom doors. "Mom?"

"yes, huney."

"My eyes hurt. I am not happy."

"I know sweetheart. Go to sleep. We are tired. I love you"


I hate bad days.

Post on Perks

I have exactly 3 minutes to post right now.

It's crazy busy, I have a lot going on in my head, and THREE times that much going on in the dayhome.

But today,
I got to be there for someone's first lost tooth.

Maybe that's insignificant to others, but when it's not my child, I'm glad that I get to be there for that moment. To celebrate them, to save the tooth for Mommy to see, and to watch the joy in their eyes when they first look in the mirror at the new, grown-up gummy smile. And, of course, I love the three-year-olds who then inform me that THEIR teeth are 'wiggly'. Love that.

I honestly melt a little inside. It's THAT good.

My Thursday

Today I:

• got 4 hours of sleep. DANG IT, having an awesome friend like Will and talking on the phone until 2 am is KILLING my sleep patterns!! (worth it)
• celebrate good friends who are there for hugs when I need/want one. Good church leaders who love me. Good kids.
  
• Folded 8 loads of laundry
• practised the piano (something I RARELY do because I can't hear the kids playing in the other room-- but with older kids here, I know the little ones are being 'entertained'. And by entertained, I mean dressed up into crazy 'baby' outfits and shoved into play strollers. Funtimes had by all.)
• Am currently watching, and fed 10 kids lunch. Yes, Spring break started today, so all the school-aged kids are here too. Hence the fast post-- I don't have a lot of time to blog because they're given 'screen time' equally and I'm sure I'm gonna get kicked off my computer for going past my allocated time slot! :)
• rebooked Chris' parenting course (kinda-- he rebooked, I just helped) because we originally booked it on a weekend that he had the kids. Dumb us.
• Vacuumed the main floor
• Put the dayhome kids to slave labour and they cleaned the basement. (not a small task!)
• Potty trained a 1 yr old. Amazingly, she's been 100% today. Touch wood. (VL)
• Only dealt with ONE injury-- blood isn't too bad if it doesn't get on my carpet! ;)
  
  

Today I WILL:

• Continue to read the third Twilight book. I think it's called New Moon? No? uh...Eclipse? Or Breaking Dawn. ONE of those.
  
• Take Bear to Beavers, pick Bear UP from Beavers
  
• Shop for something "green" to share (foodwise) for 8GV night tonight-- suggestions?
  
• cook dinner
• put said folded laundry AWAY
• clean. Clean. Clean.
• Stop a million fights that are BOUND to occur soon. It's been FAR too peaceful around here this morning.
• write in my paper journal (I'm doing that everyday now-- man, I forgot how much I missed that. It is the BEST way for me to really dig deep into the person I am and why I act the way I do, what I think spiritually, and what my weaknesses are. )
• POSSIBLY get my tax stuff together to drop off at the accountant's.
• Apologize to my blog readers that I may not be around much in the week to come, seeing as it's Spring Break and there's too many kids here to be on a computer for too long. I'll be busy cleaning up. Constantly. And entertaining older kids with crafts or outings or whatever. So blog posts for the next week may suck-- fair warning.
• THANK all the non-lurkers who outed themselves yesterday. I loved checking out your blogs and will visit again.
  

In Point Form

• I broke down. I bought Twilight. Yah yah, I'm sure I coulda borrowed it from a million people I know, but it was on for 5 bucks at Superstore, and I figured I could splurge that much on myself. Jumping on bandwagons always takes me WAY too long! ;) I need something else to distract me from the dishes anyways!
  
  
• I spent all that time getting my dayhome full, and now two of my three full-timers are leaving. Thankfully, not because of anything the parents weren't happy with. It's the pitfalls of dayhomes. Seriously, though, I HATE putting up forms and doing interviews. And I hate the thought of possibly not having enough kids here to make the paying of bills easier in a month. *grumble*
  
  
• I have been seriously taking a lot of time evaluating my spiritual feelings. It's amazing how simple someone's influence can affect what you think when you aren't expecting it. Some deep conversation, and some things I've said have really opened my eyes to what I TRULY believe deep down. It has been a tough, tough year spiritually for me-- reallyreallyreally high and reallyreallyreally low. I'd like to find a balance.
  
  
• I took some time to myself last night while Chris was at the house with the kids. Thanks to a dayhome Mom who also styles hair, I got my hair dyed. It's darker, and it'll take a bit to get used to looking in the mirror, but it's nice. A "before and after". I tried to recreate the same 'pose', but frankly, it's too early to put on makeup! And, apparently, to smile! lol
  
  
• I also told Chris that I had started the papers. It was really scary to tell him. But thankfully he understands my reasons, so he says. Last night, while he was here, he refused a hug. Tears welled in his eyes all night, and my heart was soooo sore watching it. It is EXACTLY what I was going through back in June. It hurts to watch.
  
  
• I have the weekend off. No kids. Just me and whatever I want to do. :)
  

Please Mr. Postman

Dear Safeway,
I think it's pathetic nice that you carry an entire 1/4 aisle of 'natural' health foods. I think it's amazing that you don't have any employees that know where anything is, or even what it may be that I'm talking about. I was truly impressed by Jaime Sam Pat, in the pasta/rice aisle, who was growing a full beard and thought that she could hide the inch of hair on her face by bleaching it. I liked how awkward I felt trying not to stare. I liked it when my three-year old daughter asked why that stranger lady has a teddy-bear face right in front of her!

I think it's unfortunate that the only fresh leaf-vegetable you carry is red or green lettuce. But above all, I'm truly thankful that the pears that I bought turned rotten overnight. That's awesome.

I also think it's awesome that you do your ten-times the airmiles on the first Tuesday of the month, but I spent gobs of cash at your store on the Monday before that. I think that's racist weekist. I don't shop on Tuesdays, it's against my religion. Perhaps you should give everyone ONE day of the month of their choosing. What difference does it make to you guys anyways? And seriously, it's not like those extra 5 airmiles are gonna be tough for the Airmiles Company to fork out. 200,578 more, and I get a free ipod.
Sincerely,
Vociferous Vegan
PS: please also inform your employees that Mormons DO shop on Tuesdays.

Dear Dayhome Dad,
I am so grateful to you. I love that you allow your wife to drop off and pick up your three children more often than you ever do. I am grateful that I don't have to see you more often than I do now. I love how afraid of you your children are because of your alcoholism and abuse, because I like seeing them RELAX when they're here. I am indeed grateful that, every single time it's your turn to pick up your children, you are over an hour later than you say you'll be. I'm impressed that it takes you twice as long to travel the SAME distance from work as it does for Chris. I love that last night, because of your tardiness, my daughter missed Brownies. I'm also grateful that, because of that, we also didn't have enough time to go buy Agave and Hemp seeds. (thanks, Djo, for the number!) I like to think you're hours late because of your E-harmony profile-- must be tough to be so adulterous sneaky dashingly handsome for all your lady friends.
Sincerely,
The lady who watches your kids better than you do

Dear Bed,
I miss you. I'm sorry we've been so distant in the past week. It's not you, it's me. I have not forgotten my love for you. I want you to know I need you in my life, and have always appreciated your support. You've been the perfect companion- always there, always ready for a tear or two, always ready to sleep with me! lol Yes, Bed, I knew from the moment I laid eyes (and body) on you, you were factory made for me! Although I have had some great reasons to keep me away, I will work on our relationship in the next few days, and hopefully, we can get some lost time back.
Sincerely
Your Somnolent Sweetheart

Issues Episodes: Divide and Conquer

I run a dayhome.



I love having my own business- doing things MY way. In MY home. With MY kids.
I love making money. I feel like I'm contributing to my family's well-being. I feel needed, appreciated, and valued. And, if I end up divorced from Chris, I need it to stay in my home and keep my children's stability to the best degree that I can.

I am used to children.
I have had difficult children in my home, difficult parents, difficult situations. I have made or deepened friendships with the families with children in my care.
I have had too little children in the home.
I have had too many children in my home.


I know the difference. My limit of 'sanity' is not your limit. My idea of what's safe may be different than yours. My idea of love is also different. My idea of a dayhome may differ from yours too. I treat these kids as my own. The families who have used me and liked me VALUE that. I am honest in my expectations of the children AND their parents when I take a new child in.

There are many kids here lately. Some are full-time. Some are not.
But they make a mess. They eat a LOT of food. They require lots of hugs. They fight. They cry. They scream.
They test me. They lie. They break things. They hurt each other. They hurt themselves. They laugh. They play. They learn. They experiment. They imagine. They grow.

And yes... this is normal for a daycare.


For one, I'm stressed because of EF's children being added to the mix. I'm stressed because I have a younger baby again-- something I haven't had for a while, and I'm still getting used to someone who eats ANYTHING on the floor. I have older kids who play with pennies and marbles, and, in cases of toys- I have had to throw out any possible choking hazards. In the case of money, I am CONSTANTLY adding to my penny jar. It stresses me out to think that, any nook or cranny that isn't spotless is a potential danger to that baby.

Like most moms of young kids, I have a hard time keeping a spotless house. And now I feel like I HAVE to, not only because I should.

My house is 'baby proofed'. But still. Fear. Sometimes babies hurt themselves without even being near obvious 'danger'.

I'm stressed because getting into new routines is hard. Remembering who can eat what is tricky. Who needs a nap? Who's crying? Who's stinky? Who hasn't been changed for a while? Whose diaper is this? Whose socks are these? Where's your soother, your blankie, your sippy cup, your parents!!!??

I'm stressed that being housebound because I don't have enough car-seats to safely transport the kids is something I've never encountered. I don't like that feeling. I don't like that if my daughter or son get hurt at school, I have a hard time finding a way to get to them in the middle of the day. I can't volunteer at their school. I hate feeling confined to an hour of 'errand time' between dinner and bedtime to take my kids with me and get what I need. First off- AS IF that's enough time. That's on top of homework and Beavers or whatever else comes in.

Who knows how long Child A is gonna be here anyways? Dayhomes have a high turn-over. People move, change jobs, stop working, don't mesh with your style, sleep with your husband...

I take what I can, when I can. Holidays and sicknesses and 'quits' affect my income, and, like any variable-amount job, I take the money when it comes so that the slower/quieter months are sustained.

Taking new kids is stressful.

I have potty-trained. I have taught to walk. To go up AND down stairs (yes, by example-- which I'm sure is humourous to watch). I've helped with homework. At the end of the day, I have provided what their parent's couldn't either by choice or necessity. That gives me pride. And, at the end of the day, I get hugs. And I get kisses. And, on rare occasion, they choose me over their parents. (muahahah) Which makes me smile once the door is closed. Unlike adults, children don't pretend to like you if they don't. So, I'm happy when they seem to return the love I have for them.

And, in case you're wondering,
Sometimes it's stressful, but I WANT this job. I LIKE this job. I've CHOSEN this job.

Running to Catch Up?!

Muse (myz)

n.

1. Greek Mythology Any of the nine daughters of Mnemosyne and Zeus, each of whom presided over a different art or science.

2. muse

a. A guiding spirit.

b. A source of inspiration.

3. muse A poet.



Yep. I got nothin'!!!!

I have so much to catch up on, but it's kinda like laundry. After a while, with so much to catch up on, you simply CAN'T get it done without having a constant stream of further work. I mean, should I try to catch up on telling all the gruesome stories of the holiday antics, but I'd be here for weeks. And that's too overwhelming.

Instead, we'll pretend the festivities with family and friends didn't happen (which they DID, and they were fabulous) and just go to the present time.
School's back in session. And I'm TIRED!!
I have three full-time new kids who are young, and they're taking up a lot of my days with cuddles and diapers. I finally got all the Christmas stuff put away and my house is STARTING to get cleaned from the 2-week hiatus from serious cleaning, aka holidays! But the dayhome is taking more of my daily 'free'time, so I hope blogging isn't too harshly affected. Oh how I miss rambling!

Our ward (congregation) split again and we had our first Sunday together last week. It's still quite large, and young, but it's a good ward. I'm the music director (read: I direct the congregation through the sacrament meeting hymns). Good calling. Not too demanding, every Sunday, and doesn't conflict with Relief Society --- the only adult-time I get during the week!
Because GV night is NOT adult time, clearly! lol (although, GVs, I have missed you so these past few weeks!!)

I have my first night of counselling again tonight. It's been a while since I've seen my counsellor, so it'll be good to catch up. I don't know what to say or where to start, but that's what she's there for, right?! :) Chris has asked numerous times to move in, or has made mention of stuff like that, and I, for some reason, just can't agree to it yet. Don't get me wrong, I'm LOVING the time we're spending together, and the changes he's made. I'm happy with everything, but my fear holds me back. And I hate fear. So we will see what tonight's talk holds.

I am in a fight with my treadmill though. I'm already almost finished 5 weeks of training for the marathon, and I haven't dropped a single pound! Thankfully, during Christmas, I didn't gain anything either. But still, not a single eensy pound has dropped! And, after running a whopping 9 miles on Saturday (and living to tell about it!), you'd think my body would start to realize that carrying extra pounds is kinda counterproductive to the running business.

So, instead, I continue through the week, and will be running 10 miles this weekend. HOW I'm going to do it, I don't know- seeing as I have the kids alone this weekend and can't get out running since Chris is out of town-- therefore, he can't watch the kids while I'm gone for a few hours. Treadmill, here I come. Boo.

*if you, too, are wanting to get in shape, or have made a New Year's Resolution to do something active, check out the "Be-Fit" blog on the sidebar. You're only a few days behind, but it's not too late to start (and sign up if you're in the southern AB area in March)*

I think it's sad how tired I am. It's only the first week back to 'regular', and I'm ready for a vacation!!!!!!

Maybe I Really Needed That Nap!

Yesterday.
Doorbell rings as I'm contemplating laying down on the couch for a little 'cat nap'. By the way, who came up with that phrase, "catnap". Seriously. If you've ever OWNED a cat, you know as well as I do that they don't NAP. They sleep. Everywhere. All the time. In annoying places. And, like Chris when Mimi yells at 2:30 in the morning " I'n DONE!!!" and needs someone to wake up to wipe her bum , there is no awakening the sleeping dead cat to get them to move out of the doorway. Like a furry, clawed draft-stopper.

Okay, back to topic of cat nap. Er. Mom nap. Let's be real. A Mom doesn't nap with both eyes closed. I always tried to get into things when Mom was "sleeping". And, magically, with her eyes still closed and her foot bouncing off the side of the cushion, you'd get the "Don't even think about it". And then she'd keep sleeping. *my mom bounces her foot to sleep. It's an endearing quality that makes me think my father probably couldn't fall asleep without that rhythmic bounce on the other side of the bed.

ANYWHOODLE,
the doorbell rings.
The Elders are there. They come in to warm up with some hot chocolate and stay for quite a while. They're awesome. It's then I am glad I ran in the AM, as they would have arrived to find me sweaty and half-dressed. Not exactly the look I need them to remember about coming to the Barber's home. ew.

Later, supper time.
Doorbell rings again.
Weird- we weren't expecting anyone.

Dayhome mom is standing there. They had an interview with me a few weeks back, and asked if they could start full-time for their child starting December 1st. And I agreed. December 1st came and went, and I didn't see hide nor hair of that child. no phone call. nothing. I didn't have their number yet, so I continued taking interviews and got a full dayhome without their child.

So, she's standing there, smiling. I'm standing there, surprised. Only 9 days later. ?????

She tells me she lost my number. Okay, that I can give her the benefit of doubt for.
She tells me her hubby got laid off. I gave her my sympathies, and she reassured me that it was no big deal as he found another one the next day. So, now I'm thinking, somehow I'm sure that matters to why they didn't contact me.
She asks me if I'll still take their child immediately.

For the first time in my entire dayhome life, I said no. I got a bad feeling about them. Kinda like the Crazy-dayhome mom from a few months back who walked away suddenly without paying me a whole months' worth.

I told her that I knew she knew where I lived, and she could have come over to tell me about it a LONG time ago. She could have looked me up in the phonebook. I told her (nicely) I needed more stability and respect than that from parents of the children I watch. And I told her that I was now full. Thankfully, I was able to fall back on that reason without ONLY sounding like a jerk.

But, my wrath was unfinished.
I went to pick up LL from Brownies. They have a sign-in/sign-out sheet where parents have to sign out their daughter before she's allowed to leave.

I'm waiting behind a few other parents, in line, waiting for the sheet to get to me. LL walks right out of the gym, to the front door, and nearly OUT the door. Doesn't see me at all. No leaders know she's out. No leaders are even at the door!!!!!

So, when I finally get to the front of the line, I sign her out, probably a full 2 minutes after LL walked out. I ask the lady (IN THE GYM) who's holding the sheet, "why do we have to sign them in and out?". She says for 'safety'. Oooooh, wrong answer, hun!! I lost it. I was near tears, as I explained to them how LL had been able to walk RIGHT OUT THE DOOR of the gym AND out to the outside doors, and no leaders were aware of her missing. Later, driving home, I thought it would have been better for me to sign her out and ask them where she was, just to freak them out. maybe then they'd be where I was! TOTALLY freaked. I talked to LL about leaving the gym without a parent, but seriously! THEN, I noticed that last week, she wasn't even signed out!!! I was in a meeting, and Chris had no car keys (they were accidentally with me), so he called my neighbour and sent her to get LL. She was a 'stranger' to the leaders, but they let her take LL home without signing her out, and without even stopping my neighbour!!!! They didn't call home, they didn't question it. nothing! Didn't even get a name! I was surprised, because a few weeks ago, a boy in Bear's Beaver colony WALKED home by himself one night. NOW they stand at the door, and parents are not allowed to leave without signing them out AND holding their hand. No boy goes out that door alone, unsigned. I hope the Brownie Leaders take that initiative, as I was pretty upset yesterday.

Yes, I am slightly still in 'my mood'. So that didn't help. Don't mess. -- I'm cranky!! ;(

Things That Could Be

Lately I've done a lot more introspective thinking. On top of what's been mentioned in the last post regarding my ability or disability to move on.

• Money worries me for the first time since separating. A dayhome mom owed me over a thousand dollars, and I started to really stress about the fact that at ANY given time, these parents can really mess with my life by avoiding payment. She did pay me today, so that took a bit of stress off. I had also started to stress as my cookie party is coming up at the end of the month, and it's my "BIG" Christmas joy. I look forward to this party every year, and it kinda starts my holiday season off on a joyous and festive note. Surrounded by friends and even family, good food and lots and lots of fun, I feel most happy. The true spirit of Christmas is felt, as the bond between people grows tighter and I get to give my first gifts away. With money being a bit scarcer this year, I have had to change a few thoughts about the party, which kinda dampens my enthusiasm. But, truth be told, I think it's worth it to keep the party the same as previous years. As it's the ONE thing that I do FOR ME this time of the year.
  
  
• For the first time, I truly confessed how I felt about Chris lately to a family member. I felt utterly and totally vulnerable, as my family's opinion about my life seems to be the biggest concern to me when compared to others' opinions. The need to feel 'accepted' and loved by my family is bigger to me than maybe is healthy. But it's just the way I am. I always feel loved by my family, but I have this fear of changing my relationships with my siblings or parents because of choices they may not agree with. One being how Chris and I are dating again. Do they agree or disagree? I don't know. I know they want me to be happy, and they want me to be smart, and they want me to have the things in my life that I want.
  So, telling my sister last night words that I haven't ever uttered was frighteningly wonderful. Just getting my thoughts out of my head and through my own mouth. To somewhat explain 'where I'm at' with everything. I don't think I've even said much of those same words to my friends.
  
  
• I'm really evaluating my beliefs surrounding religion. I enjoy searching my soul/spirit/heart (whatever you call it) for my thoughts and feelings. I enjoy testing things for myself. I've always thought I had a personal testimony of certain things, but now I'm actually able to put things into my OWN words and my OWN heart. To make things mine. I don't think I'm explaining myself too well right now, but I think it's one of those things that you just "get" if you've been where I'm at.
  
  
• The dayhome has gotten a few 'nibbles' on childcare since putting up the ads, but so far I only have one more child at once a week. So, it's not enough to sustain the home long-term. That being said, Chris told me of a connection he has to a magazine publisher who is looking for editors and writers. Now, I don't make ANY claim to be a talented writer, but editing is something I'd actually find joy in. And it's a job I can do in my own time, which also appeals to me, as I can put in hours during naptimes and bedtimes where I'm undisturbed by children. I am afraid of taking on too much, but on the same hand, it's not a job where I have to put in a required amount of hours. And that company is big on 'ease' and sustainability as far as being in my life. I may not have a better option, either, as, if I can't find children to care for, I need to make money, and I'd prefer to do it still being at home with Mimi. I will look further into this. It actually excites me, as I'm somewhat of an English/Writing enthusiast. Whether I'm good at it or not, I find joy in it.

Angel, Did You Eat Something?

Angel, did you eat something???? Yes, I believe you did. It's not snack time-- what did you eat?
OHHHHH, only the dirt from the tree. Awesome.
Dont eat the dirt, Angel.

Wednesday Ws

Who: The dayhome
What: will be empty
Where: oh where have my children gone!?
When: T minus three days!
Why: Aside from losing that one little girl, the two full-timers I have are moving to Edmonton and Friday is their last day. (One of them being Angel. How sad! She's too cute) So, I'll have two part-timers (one drop-in, one twice a week). And I still haven't gotten a hold of EF to tell her that I'm not taking her kids afterall. I left a message for her to call me, but she hasn't. note to self: call her again today. Seeing as things with Chris are still so positive, it could well go into January if not longer. Of course, it could finish tomorrow. But so far, so good. So, I need her not to be here. Anyways. I'm actually kinda excited for a bit of time off, although, I need the money. It'll be nice to have days of just Mimi and I, since she's never really had any one-on-one attention. I've had the dayhome for nearly her whole life. It'll be nice to take her to the zoo, to have naps. LOL And I'll probably find less time to blog seeing as she'll be bored by herself once in a while after ALWAYS having someone to play with and I'll be busy playing barbies and dressup. I printed up more 'ads' for mailboxes and grocery-store bulletin boards, but I hate that part. Let the interviews commence. Blah.

Who: Fatty McBubberson
What: Wants to remind you
When: Today, of course
Where: Wherever you are. Whatever you're doing. Drop everything and commence
Why: Let us remember THIS post. Yes, you read it correctly, today is Chocolate Wednesday. And, for your sharing satisfaction, I have ONLY had four of these. (who cares that it's only 9:30 am... there's no time restrictions for Chocolate Wednesday! lol) I bought our Hallowe'en candy last night, and opened it up first thing this morning! hahaha. Okay, in defence of my lack of control, I opened it to give a peice to the school-kids on their way to school. I was being giving. Yah, that's it. Clearly I would NEVER have alternative, more selfish motives! Geez, what do you take me for!!? :P tee hee. (don't answer that!)


Who: Pessy McPessimistersons
What: should be happy
Where: uh...
When: once hearing this
Why: because I have nothing exciting to blog. So, my life is officially "boring". Boring is good, one anonymous said. So, there you have it. BOw-ring! As requested. :) (by the way, I love this store! And, yes, I recognize that it's not pronounced "BO-ring", but, in my ignorant defence, a bow-tie is pronounced "bo", so I say bow-ring! Don't ask for further explanation. It makes sense to me and my sista, Keeks. And sisters don't have to explain what's funny to them. Clearly. )

MAsTeRCarD'S lAtESt C0mMeRCiAl

One Child in time-out for hurting another child: 5 minutes (one minute per year in age)
One Large Mirror: 80$ from Stupidstore (on sale from $140)
The Amount of Glass one can get on the floor when a mirror that size breaks: 1,000,000 peicesDistance glass travels in said moment: 5 MILES!!
One child in time-out with anger issues who knocks over mirror: Priceless.

Fun fun.

And, today is off to a weird start-
Yesterday, I took two garbage bags from the kitchen out to the curb. Seeing as it was garbage day today, I didn't bother just leaving them in the garage until later that night- that'd be moving things twice, and my mother always told me that was silly. So, I took them right to the curb. At about noon.
Seven pm I went out to take LL selling her mint Girl Guide cookies. Garbage was gone.
????

Gone. As in, not spread all over the place -- nope, disappeared completely!!!
I started to worry about it. But over the night, I started getting all paranoid. What's IN that garbage??? Although most of my bills are ripped up and put in the RECYCLING for shredding, so it's unlikely that any fraud-seekers are going to find anything. But in that OFF chance that they do, it's totally freaking me out!! Who steals garbage?! And, seeing as it's kitchen garbage, they're gonna be slightly disappointed, I'd think. Unless they were WANTING 4 pizza-boxes from the other night. Still. What if something IS in there???

Ooooh, maybe my mighties came and took it off like ants do?! :/

Mi Vida Loca?

(no Wednesday Ws today)

It's finally time in my life to blog about this.
I've struggled for a few weeks with these thoughts, but in the past three days, it all came down and I've really had a hard time.

Ever since the whole Beau thing, I have taken a lot of time pondering and evaluating the type of mother and dayhome provider I am. I have NEVER doubted my love for my kids or my charges, and I have hardly doubted my abilities to take care of such. I mean, every mother does, to an extent, feel unprepared and unqualified to lead another life in the proper direction. Every mother, I don't care who you are, wonders if they could have done something different. Or better. Or loved more. Or with a firmer hand. Or. or... or.

But I can't shake the things that were typed and said to me about my mothering abilities. This is not a plea for a million comments of "Oh, Debbi, you're a good mother". I don't want to hear that. But thanks anyways. And this is not an invitation for "I told you so" or something like that. This is just me sorting through my thoughts and sharing my insecurities with you.

I lost a dayhome child the other day. because I was 5 minutes late for picking her up from the bus. Now, given, I'm PAID to be there for her. But I was late. SOOOO not excusing myself. There are three other mothers there who have been part of the 'busstop mamma' group for three years now. We have been there through divorces and births and miscarriages and weightloss... we have become FRIENDS while waiting in the cold and sleet for that yellow bus to appear over the hill. We have ALL been late, and when it happened, someone else took that child home until the mother was able to pick them up. It is nothing among friends. And the mother of the dayhome child WAS PART OF THAT. We've all taken her children. We've all had her take ours. It's just what we do.

So, when I was late, in my worried haste, I still knew another busstop Mamma would be there to pick her off the bus and take her home. I pulled up just as they were leaving the busstop in their own cars.

The mother fired me for being late and having that happen. Which confused me. A) she knows of the busstop mamma 'code'. B) she has BEEN LATE HERSELF. C) I told her that, because of Bear's school not having a bus for the ride home, that when I was carpooling him, I MAY be a few minutes later if the weather was bad or the roads were clogged, etc. She knew that, agreed to that, and knew that another mother would be there for her daughter.

As a dayhome provider, I deserve to be fired for that. As a friend, I was shocked. And when you're friends with the dayhome families, things can get cloudy if you let them. Case in point, EF.

I'm telling this story because it upset me, yes. But what upset me more is what this blog is about.

She came over to pay me, and, with tears in her eyes and worry over our friendship, asked if I was 'mad'. I'm not mad, no. I explained how I was feeling, and then she said something that bit. She said, "I was talking with (the busstop mammas), and we think that you just have too much going on right now, it's probably better that you don't have as many children with so much going on." And she made some motion with her hands around her head, as in, "too much in your head going on".

......

The other week, I mentioned to a family member that I thought being a Brite Consultant would be good because I know A LOT of young mothers. Mostly, I thought about being a consultant to get the books for a better price than retail! :) I wouldn't actually DO parties, any more than I'm doing Pampered Chef ones. But I'd use the products, just like I do with the Pampered Chef stuff! They then told me that I had enough going on in my life and shouldn't take on anything else. (not that I was going to) On another instance, I had another family member tell me that I have too much 'drama' in my life and that I needed to simplify it.

Fast forward to yesterday.
I was out shopping, and a lady freaked out on me. She told me I was an unfit mother, and a bunch of other things. Basically, she didn't like the way I was mothering. I drove away, in near tears and shaking. Of course, I thought of all the good comebacks as I was driving away, but it managed to sting really badly and somewhat hurt for the rest of the day.

I have started wondering- does everyone else see something I don't see? One Anon said, "You are very good about convincing yourself you have done the right thing, or finding the good in situations even when you have screwed up, instead of just admitting you made a mistake." Am I as horrible as people are saying I am? I mean, *I* never thought I was HORRIBLE. And I don't claim to be perfect. But I thought I was pretty well-qualified. I thought I could handle it better than most (and have been told that I DO by others, and by people who are in the home with all the kids and can't 'keep their cool' the way I can). Maybe I am deluded? Maybe EVERYONE else thinks I've got too much going on. Even my friends said, "I truly hope that things settle down again and you can have some more peaceful moments in your life."

Do you ALL think I have no peace in my life? That I'm in a constant upheaval? Seriously?

After these few instances, and a few other random comments from people, I have come to some personal thoughts and theories and feelings. You may not agree, but (TODAY) I see it this way;

1. Theory: People say "you have too much going on and you can't handle it" because if THEY were in the situation I'm in, THEY couldn't handle it. I haven't said that I had too much going on (in the grand scene-- given, on a day-to-day basis, some days are busier than others) so I don't know why people want to TELL me that I do. I do NOT complain about my lot in life-- in most cases, I have CHOSEN this path. And most importantly, I am more happy with my life TODAY than I have been in a VERY long time. As disillusioned as you may think I am, it's the truth.
   
2. People are quick to tell me I have too much going on because my crap is out there for the world to see. I don't hide it behind platitudes and masks of happiness. The mother of that dayhome child suffers from SEVERE depression and is unhappy with her marriage. But, no one can LITERALLY see that. I only know that because we talk as friends. I even asked her, "you mean to tell me you don't think others have a lot going on? " She just teared up and nodded in agreement with my train of thought. "Because, really," I continued, "I have the same amount of stuff going on as others, but mine is just out there for people to see." And it's true. I may have 'drama'. But you do too.
   This, I KNOW, is the truth for many people. Don't tell me that your life is so 'peaceful', because EVERY SINGLE PERSON I KNOW has something they're dealing with. Something they struggle with, and something in their life they are working on improving. I, for one, hope I've never told someone they were dealing with their stuff wrong. Yes, we all strive to bring MORE peace into our lives, but don't try to convince me that your life is heaven. It just doesn't work that way.
   What REALLY hurt-- she is letting another busstop Mamma watch her daughter. The other busstop mamma is ALSO going through a divorce, only, her ex is the ex from you-know-where. They don't talk in polite terms, let alone spend ANY time together, and she constantly fights with him. How is that person MORE qualified than I am to 'handle' things? I'm trying not to judge, but in my hurt, it's been really tough to understand.
3. I know my children are healthy, educated to the best extent that I know how, fed, clothed, and socialized in many ways. They are entertained, they are loved and loved, and they are surrounded by many uplifting things. I do not think I am a perfect mother, but I believe I am the perfect mother for THEM! I am not a bad mother. And having ANYONE, especially other mothers, try to tell me otherwise is probably MORE hurtful than someone else.

forget the pity party- unlike Anon who said, "which is probably why you write this blog so that you can get someone to make you feel better about what you have done", I DO NOT write this blog for that reason. I am upset, and I vent through my writing. AND, I want you to know why I may act certain ways in the future.

But, those of you who made some of these blue comments, if you wanted your opinion to hurt, it did. I think most of the time, that was the intent. So good on you for achieving it. For making another human doubt their abilities. For taking away some personal pride in my job and my role as a mother. For tearing me down with simple words.

Holiday happenings

This kinda sucks.
I have so much on my mind, but none of it that I can actually share. It's not mine to share. To put it plainly, I'm just worried about a bunch of loved ones of mine. Those of you (who I KNOW read the blog) who think I'm talking about you-- You're right. I'm not worried on a make-myself-crazy level. But I just love them and hope that things in their lives get better than they feel like they are today. Or, in some cases, I wish them well on their upcoming journey.

I'm also a bit stressed with work. Lost yet ANOTHER child from the dayhome. Meaning that, come November first, I'm down to two part-time (daytime, not before/after school) kids. Who maybe come twice a week each! Yikes. Off to advertise that I have space again, although, it kinda bugs me to do the whole interviewing process. Lame. And that is a direct correlation to income, so now I worry about that. I have been REALLY blessed, and believe that where a door closes, another window opens.

I love the craziness of the next few months. Something I actually look forward to. I warn you, from now on, I may start the talk of Christmas!!! :D Yes, I'm a Christmas-aholic. I decorate my house as soooooon as the fall/Hallowe'en decorations are down. Which, no short of a lie, is usually by November 2nd. I deck the halls early for a few reasons: One, I am cliche' enough to say that I wish the season lasted all year long. The smells, the happiness, the songs. And yes, I realize that if it WERE to last all year long, it would lose it's beauty. Two, I host a party at the end of November that requires a decorated house usually earlier than most people. For this purpose, I end up with a fake tree.... boo hisssss. But, I refuse to decorate a tree twice just for the sake of having a real tree. And this year especially, I'm not sure I'm going to even be in town for Christmas.

So,, two more weeks of fall-ness in my home, and then I pull the TEN rubbermaids of decorations up from the basement. :D:D:D:D

But, before that, I've got Hallowe'en. We've got a few plans, but not really. I mean, there's lots that CAN happen, it's a matter of actually PICKING something. If you don't know, Hallowe'en is also my birthday. (ya yah, I've heard all the 'witch' jokes... hardy har...real original :P ) And this year it's also on a Friday. A Friday I technically don't have the kids. Sooooo, I could go out and play with friends. But most of my friends have kids of their own. And I could go to a few house-parties where kids are invited. I could go out of town either alone or not. decisions decisions.

Before we know it, 2008 will be yesteryear and I'll be sitting here, blogging, in anticipation and quiet fear or excitement of what 2009 could hold. Because, let me assure you, I did NOT expect 2008 to hold what it has!