Please Mr. Postman

Dear Safeway,
I think it's pathetic nice that you carry an entire 1/4 aisle of 'natural' health foods. I think it's amazing that you don't have any employees that know where anything is, or even what it may be that I'm talking about. I was truly impressed by Jaime Sam Pat, in the pasta/rice aisle, who was growing a full beard and thought that she could hide the inch of hair on her face by bleaching it. I liked how awkward I felt trying not to stare. I liked it when my three-year old daughter asked why that stranger lady has a teddy-bear face right in front of her!

I think it's unfortunate that the only fresh leaf-vegetable you carry is red or green lettuce. But above all, I'm truly thankful that the pears that I bought turned rotten overnight. That's awesome.

I also think it's awesome that you do your ten-times the airmiles on the first Tuesday of the month, but I spent gobs of cash at your store on the Monday before that. I think that's racist weekist. I don't shop on Tuesdays, it's against my religion. Perhaps you should give everyone ONE day of the month of their choosing. What difference does it make to you guys anyways? And seriously, it's not like those extra 5 airmiles are gonna be tough for the Airmiles Company to fork out. 200,578 more, and I get a free ipod.
Sincerely,
Vociferous Vegan
PS: please also inform your employees that Mormons DO shop on Tuesdays.

Dear Dayhome Dad,
I am so grateful to you. I love that you allow your wife to drop off and pick up your three children more often than you ever do. I am grateful that I don't have to see you more often than I do now. I love how afraid of you your children are because of your alcoholism and abuse, because I like seeing them RELAX when they're here. I am indeed grateful that, every single time it's your turn to pick up your children, you are over an hour later than you say you'll be. I'm impressed that it takes you twice as long to travel the SAME distance from work as it does for Chris. I love that last night, because of your tardiness, my daughter missed Brownies. I'm also grateful that, because of that, we also didn't have enough time to go buy Agave and Hemp seeds. (thanks, Djo, for the number!) I like to think you're hours late because of your E-harmony profile-- must be tough to be so adulterous sneaky dashingly handsome for all your lady friends.
Sincerely,
The lady who watches your kids better than you do

Dear Bed,
I miss you. I'm sorry we've been so distant in the past week. It's not you, it's me. I have not forgotten my love for you. I want you to know I need you in my life, and have always appreciated your support. You've been the perfect companion- always there, always ready for a tear or two, always ready to sleep with me! lol Yes, Bed, I knew from the moment I laid eyes (and body) on you, you were factory made for me! Although I have had some great reasons to keep me away, I will work on our relationship in the next few days, and hopefully, we can get some lost time back.
Sincerely
Your Somnolent Sweetheart