Needing to Nourish

Not many people knew it, but when I posted yesterday's post, it was already determined what I was going to do.

A few days ago, I spoke with Chris on the phone (yah, lame, I agree.. but he was out of town) about everything, and, amidst many tears, told him I needed him to go.

And, I'm happy. I'm not sad, actually. And not in a callous manner-- it's just, Chris has made this decision much easier on me than I anticipated. He knows I need this. He said he could kinda see it coming- in that, he didn't know WHAT I needed, but he knew I needed to change something.

He's totally understanding. Doesn't mean he'll still be around in a month or two or seven... who knows how long it'll take, or if he'll wait for that. If he's not here when I'm done 'finding myself', that's fine too-- we need to find that out. And maybe I won't be 'here' then either. But he understands where I'm at, what I feel, and he wants me to be happy. I was relieved to see his reaction- genuine and loving, honest, and supportive. It's moments like that that make me wonder what the freak is wrong with me to not be totally happy with him. But the fear just doesn't work. Along with other things, that's one of them. But not all. There's a lot of things in there.

He will move out his stuff within the month- there's no 'rush', and he's also out of town for about 3 weeks for business. We'll go back to every other weekends. We'll go back to 'dating'.

We'll. Go. Back.

I feel counter-productive in going, what is perceived as, back. But I need to be there for now. I need to NOT be in a relationship. I need to just be alone. Just me.

On other unrelated notes, the vegan lifestyle has been challenging. In a good way-- I'm really really really conscious of what I put in my body. It takes a lot of planning to eat more healthy, and to make sure that I'm keeping my nutrient levels at their optimal heights. Last night, as we were preparing dinner, I was mentioning to LL and Chris about how we need to view food differently. Now, food is a fuel. (I know, I know, we've all heard that a million times, but this time I'm LIVING it) Food is occasionally used for celebration or comfort, but in general, we're sticking to 'nourishment' in this household.

Maybe I should change my "motto" for the year. I mean, I WON'T, but maybe I should add a word.

Nourish.

nour⋅ish –verb (used with object)

1.	to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth.

2.	to cherish, foster, keep alive, etc.: "He had long nourished the dream of living abroad."

3.	to strengthen, build up, or promote: to nourish discontent among the workers; to nourish the arts in one's community.

Insert ANY of those highlighted/coloured words into the blanks. Where I would normally put 'nourish': I need to _____ the body. I need to _____ my spirit. I need to ______ my children in their growth and love. I need to ______ my relationships. And I need to _____ MYSELF-- who I am inside.

I am loving how I feel, and have gotten past the tummy aches and headaches. I know I need to up my water intake, but that's coming. Making burgers out of seeds and 'live' food is so foreign to me, but it was SUPER yummy. Or making 'soup' that isn't heated-- different, but tasty. I don't feel any guilt about what I snack on or when, I don't have many cravings I can't satisfy. Although, Chris told me he had McDonald's Breakfast. And lemme tell you-- I love me a McGriddle and greasy hashbrown! mmm

But I'm doing good. And I feel good. On top of it, the scale moved. (FINALLY). So, so far, real good.