Inner Dialogue

Did you know I've started this post three different times, read it, and deleted it again? yah. It's like my writing mojo is gone.

Mostly because I'm afraid to put something 'out there' when I feel so hopelessly vulnerable lately. Like I'm so fragile. I mean, I'm FINE, but I get hurt so easily lately. It's really kinda annoying to fret over such insignificant things.

I am really doing good. Really. I mean, I'm emotional, but in fact I'm feeling much more peace with my choice. I am happy right now without Chris here.

But, let's remember, I love him. And watching him break down into a cry I've never seen, in ALL our nearly 9 years together, was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to see. His grief is so deep. It's like he finally SEES it. He finally feels it. And part of me, watching him break down into such a deep-rooted painful release, just wanted to take it all back. "Come back home" "Let's stay together" "I can do this". And yet. I know that's not the right course for me. I know that as soon as I felt like saying those words, I felt wrong about them.

I said to him that I used to think that he broke my trust. But I'm coming to believe that it's not broken. It's amputated. Gone. It's not able to be 'regrown', after so many other issues. Broken bones get healed. But this is bigger than that.

Love is not all you need. I wish that was the case.

To top it all off, I don't like who I've become when I'm with him. The trust issues are too big on my side, and I'm becoming a fearful, paranoid, secretive, untrusting person. I don't like that. I don't need to be that.