Friend says:
hey are you ok?
(Friend here is someone who knows me strictly through facebook. We met once, when she came to town. She and I have been together through everything in the past year regarding the affair and such, and her life too: including the engagement of her to her sweetheart, and the joy in that, only to have him suffer a major heart attack while she was out getting the invitations chosen. He died October 19th. )
Debbi says:
yah
I hate 'heart to hearts' lately.
I'm such a basketcase.
headcase.
blahhh
Friend says:
are you 2 doing better?
still dating?
Debbi says:
no.
yes
he lives here,
but I think I'm close to telling him that he shouldn't
I don't feel peace lately, and I really want to. I don't know if I can find that with him here.
Friend says:
oh again?
and you felt peace when he was gone?
Debbi says:
He's ready to stop 'dating'... but my trust issues aren't ready for that.
yes. I did.
I felt peace for a while at the beginning of dating again, too. I felt peace until about the time I stopped the divorce papers because everyone else told me I should.
Friend says:
hmmm...ya I noticed when you were not with him...however much you can notice on facebook, it did seem you were happy
Debbi says:
but then... something... he's changed in good ways and bad, and I don't know what I can handle or can't. He's not done anything 'wrong'... and still, I can't let go and just love.
When we're playing and having fun, it's usually good.
but when we're just 'being', I feel scared, untrusted, not loved in an unconditional way
Friend says:
i know what you mean...dating is fun...but going back to the reality of being together makes it seem more real that your accepting what he did to you
at least with dating it was just that and then your life
Debbi says:
possibly, yes.
and I'm not sure I'm willing to 'give up' my victim status.
as dumb as that is to say
Friend says:
I totally understand
not at all
Debbi says:
I hate still hurting, Friend.
Friend says:
you have one life...well maybe more...but one life in this lifetime...you have to be happy
Debbi says:
What if I spend the rest of it unhappy that I left Chris- the person I thought I wanted for the rest of my life???
Friend says:
what if you spend it unhappy with Chris?
thats a hard question
Debbi says:
that's just the thing. How do I find out?!
Friend says:
both of them are
Debbi says:
yep
Friend says:
sounds like you do need more time
alone
Debbi says:
I know. but he's not 'there'... and it'll hurt him.
and I think I'd die if I found out I wanted him back and he's moved on.
Friend says:
cause if you hurt already now and it's still not totally official, it just kinda says your not ready and you may never be
Debbi says:
I'd never forgive myself for something I didn't need to do.
Friend says:
yes you would
Debbi says:
my three kids in the mix.
never loving anyone this much
Friend says:
because if it's so easy for him to move on then you know it just wasn't meant to be and your better off with someone who would wait for you
not a lifetime...but as much time as you may need
Debbi says:
I know. but still, that's scary.
Friend says:
for sure it is
i feel the same way...what if I never love anyone as much as I loved (my man) and right now I can't even imagine I could possibly
Debbi says:
yah.
Friend says:
but thats ok...cause thats just right now
Debbi says:
but you've only had a few months
Friend says:
it's not tomorrow
and I don't know what will come tomorrow...nobody does
Debbi says:
I feel like this has drug on too long
that's true
Friend says:
but as long as I tell myself to just be happy right now then I get through today
Debbi says:
are you avoiding 'feeling' though?
Friend says:
i may be
not on purpose though
Debbi says:
how is that not gonna bite you on the butt later on?
Friend says:
i don't think I do it intentionally
Debbi says:
oh
Friend says:
i have no idea
Debbi says:
hahaha, look at us.
Friend says:
I know I am in a support group
so I am doing what I should
Debbi says:
that's good, then
Friend says:
and I can't do more
if I want to cry I do
Debbi says:
I have a lot of support too.
good.
Friend says:
to me just because you ask yourself the question of weather you want it or not...says your not ready for it
Debbi says:
I dont' like that answer
Friend says:
hahaha
Debbi says:
I don't like EITHER answer
Friend says:
i know
when you were alone were you asking yourself if you wanted him back or did it just happen
Debbi says:
just happen
Friend says:
so you never asked yourself do i want him to come back???
things just moved in that direction
?
Debbi says:
no. at first, we talked about it just being what it was.
yes, they did.
we started enjoying the time more and more
and then, he moved a few things in.
then a few more (he needed them)..etc.
Friend says:
ya your not ready...you didn't even have to ask yourself questions when you were alone, but now half together half not your asking weather he should stay
Debbi says:
And then... he was 'ready' to be here, and I was still thinking we were 'dating'.
He's further ahead than me. but why am I not there now?
Friend says:
hmmmm....now Debbi..thats a silly question
Debbi says:
Isn't this what I wanted?!
Friend says:
why would you be...of course it's easy for him....he hurt you
Debbi says:
I hurt him too.
Friend says:
whatever
then he should have talked to you
and not slept with someone else to show you that you hurt him
Debbi says:
he did, just not in the words I would understand, I guess.
no, I agree with the last part
so why do I want to possibly date someone else? Probably for the same message to get across.
Friend says:
i don't know
Debbi says:
ha, thanks
Friend says:
sorry
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Why I Am Not Sleeping
at 6:39 AM
Labels: Chris, Dating, Issues Episodes, Make The Change, sob stories
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7 comments:
If you were ready, and happy about him being there....you would be posting about how happy you were about him being there........
It is ok to tell him that you need some space to figure out how you feel...to take a few steps back...This is your life, and you need to be a happy participant in it. I understand that you are worried about him moving on while you ponder, but ask him to just back off a bit..move back into his own place. You can still see him ("date")if you feel more comfortable with that..If he loves you, like you deserve, he will be willing to back off and let you sort out your feelings.
Just the fact that you are not at peace with how things are is your way of telling yourself you aren't happy.
You will find, with the positive life choices that you are making, you will start to get more confidence, and less willing to deal with crap.
You become the best you that you can be..and expect exactly that from a partner. You deserve the best!!
*Remember-
You are the author of your own story...make it great!
I think I'm going to cry
I hope that you figure things out and find inner peace soon. I am so sorry for your turmoil!!
Smart friend. And I agree with everything "Beauty of Expression" said. So true.
Debbi, your unhappiness is so evident.
Don't put his comfort before your own true needs; if you want and need time on your own, tell him that. He should understand that you deserve that much.
I really think you need to get EF out of your life too!
hey you,
great post. i loved reading the council your friend gave you. i totally agree with her and the first comment by Beauty of Expression.
it is really evident that you are not happy. it's easy to figure out by your words and the way they are coming across. really, you've been through a lot. it's going to take a lot more than just a few months of dating to figure all of this out. i know how hard it must be wondering all the time if you are going to make the right decision. not a fun way to live your life. and on top of that, feeling like you may regarding on the decision you make, be left wondering 'what if'. well, that alone tells me that you are not ready to make any kind of a long term decision right now. don't put your happiness, even if it is not knowing right now, over his. you need to be true to your feelings and deserve nothing less. he should understand that since it is because of him that you are in the situation you are in right now. (let's be honest) if this is meant to be, even taking the extra time you need no matter how long it turns out to be, does not matter and shouldn't matter. there is a reason you are feeling uneasy and scared right now. your heart and mind just are not in it. not enough to make any decisions. other than taking more time. hopefully he would be understanding of that fact and wait for you as your friend said, "not forever, but as long as you need". if anything, he deserves to at least give you that much. after all, i don't think he would want you to make the wrong decision either. so do what it takes FOR YOU. that's not being selfish. it's just the way it is, so take advantage of it, and do it. it'll be the best thing you can do for yourself, your children and even him.
love ya
As the guy in the room, I gotta say something.
I hope he knows all of this, what you are feeling.
Sometime men and women don't speak the same language when it comes to articulating our emotional needs.
We try, but it's not easy to understand.
Before you decide anything, ask yourself if he understands the full gravity of the situation.
Are you making him fully aware of what you are feeling, what you need, what you want, what you are scared of, what makes you happy, what makes you sad?
Are you communicating in guy-speak? Are you communicating in nuance, and emotion, and vieled reference, and innuendo, and body language? Cause, we dont get that.
just wondering. wish you luck
Wow, you've got a great friend there, you were lucky to find eachother. You know I agree with everything she said. I think you need some time alone to figure out what you want, once that happens then maybe the decision to stay with him will be an easy one.
Good luck!
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