Six Word Saturday

a week that tested my weaknesses

Issues Episodes: Fighting the Help

I hate taking Tylenol. I hate taking ANY drug.

So the thought that this could be a chemical imbalance freaks me out.

I've had depression before. I got help then. It took a few months of struggling with KNOWING I needed drugs, but being too afraid to ask for them. What if I couldn't 'convince' the Dr. I needed help? What if he didn't believe me? What if I was just overreacting to having a new baby and I was simply tired? What if it was just a stressful few months?

But what is it about admitting that you need drugs for a mental reason that has such a horrible stigma attached to it. I'm going clinically crazy!? I can't control the thing that's supposed to control me? I talk to myself?! (okay, honestly, I DO. And I like it. So what?!) I got help. Because I needed drug intervention.

I am not sure that what I have *today* constitutes as 'drug-worthy'. What if it's just the season? Just the time of the month? Just EVERYTHING else in these 'Issues Episodes'? What if it's not chemical. What if it's simple emotions? It's like asking for a blessing when you don't 'need' one. Misplacing a shoe doesn't require God's intervention (usually), so why would a silly emotional roller-coaster warrant medical attention?


No. Instead, I'm going to start from the inside. And by 'inside', I mean diet.
The book I'm reading, The Thrive Diet (by Brendan Brazier) has me all excited for next week.

I don't know enough yet, and I'm only on the first few chapters of the book, but this book is EXACTLY on par with my feelings on diet and exercise. The things said thus far make so much sense to me.

I'm not saying things will all just pop up roses and lily pads once I change my diet. But it's a start. From there, I'll take the next step.

In the process of getting these 'issues' out, I've actually been able to feel a LOT better. They don't go magically away once I pen them, but they're not festering inside me anymore. Now that this is the last "Issues Episode".. at least, for the scheduled program part...I've thought of replying to your comments, but instead, I'll just put that every comment or personal email to me was greatly appreciated. I feel supported and loved, and I am thankful for your expressions of compassion and concern. So thanks.

There.
That's me condensed into a week of posts. Me inside the deepest fears and thoughts of my head. Nothing held back in these posts. Besides, that would have made the whole process futile.

Now we'll go back to silly, fun, and slightly neurotic posts! ;) okay, I'll probably come back to these issues once in a while-- most likely! ;)

Issues Episodes: Believing What I Believe

Before I start, if you're not LDS, you possibly won't understand much of this post. I'll do my best to explain, but most things are kinda just 'societally' understood in the Mormon Culture. We have our own language: Being "a member", HFPE, Relief Society, Visiting teaching, Home teaching, Callings. We have our own 'culture': burning shirts as missionaries,


Going on girls' camps, or Trek, 3-hour blocks of church every Sunday, clothing or jewellery we don't wear, clothing we DO wear.


Things I've grown up with. And things I love. I think it's a phenomenal religion, and, in spite of researching many others, have firmly believed that this is the one I would have chosen on my own, given the option of not being born into it.

But some things I don't believe. Some things I'm afraid to SAY OUT LOUD to anyone. Things I disagree with.

I hate being 'one foot in' in the church. I hate being 'one foot out' as though I'm a hell-bound heathen.

But, although I feel happy there, and it feels like where I want to be FOR ME and my kids, I feel like the true message is getting lost. I feel like I'm more judged by others than accepted for those issues. I love my ward; the people in it, and the leadership. But something isn't right. I feel like the messages we're all preaching AND BELIEVE IN are hardly followed. Forgiveness. Love. Charity. Compassion. They're there, but so many times, in the SMALLER instances, they're not.

I made promises in the Temple that I can't keep. I can't keep them because I don't believe in them. I don't WANT to keep them falsely. I don't want to act like one person, when I know that's not me. I don't want to be uncomfortable in a place where I should feel peace. Because I don't feel peace there. I never really have. And I tried for nearly 8 years. Trust me, I tried. Do I think it's a great place? yes, for those who believe it to be. It's beautiful! Inside and out!! Some of these buildings are some of the most beautiful buildings in the world. It's quiet inside. It's spotless inside. It's a great place to meditate. But it's not a place for me. I don't know if it ever will be. But today, I don't think so.

The temple is such an integral part of our church. Can I believe in the gospel without believing in the temple? Illogically to most, I believe I can. To most members, though, they would answer no. Chris supports my attendance and involvement in church. For those who speculate because he's not LDS that these are my reasonings-- I came to these conclusions without Chris. During the summer. When I re-evaluated every choice I had ever made, and what future choices I wanted to make. If I left the church or stayed until the day I died, Chris will respect my choices because he knows I made them for ME.

So, I'm trying to figure out how to go what feels like against the grain and do what makes me happy without being a hypocrite. Finding spirituality is such a personal thing. I'm not afraid to feel what I feel. I'm just afraid to admit it, for fear of being shunned or labeled.(kay, seriously, I love this photo. That was a great night for photos, Kare!)

Issues Episodes: Why I Should Stay

what makes you stay?

It's interesting, but this is the only 'episode' that's hard for me to write. The others kinda 'flowed'. Like a little gripe-session. A vent. Full of angst and pain and frustration.

But this one doesn't have that. This one makes me want to hold the reasons just all to myself. This one, of all of them, is most close to my heart, so this one is hardest to share.

Why should I stay with Chris?


In JUST those reasons, that would be enough. And yet, it's not. I mean, no matter WHAT (together or apart), we'll have those three faces. We'll always be the parents to those babies. And staying together 'for the kids' is something neither of us find as a valid solution.

It's not about them, really. We like to think that, in spite of their behaviour issues and upset routines, we did really well with the kids when we were apart.

But I'd be staying for more than that.
I'd be staying because I love him. And yes, love is also another reason, like above, that doesn't necessitate staying together.

I'd be staying because he's a good father. A good provider. A good listener.

Most easy to recognize, is his changed attitude about priorities and self-discovery. When we were married before, he refused any 'help' from counsellors about things he agreed were issues he needed to deal with. Now, he's doing counselling on his own accord. He's writing in a journal. He's finding his own spirituality. He's doing things I need or want without me asking for them first. He's attending church with me TO SUPPORT ME because he knows I need that. He finds me attractive, wants to be with me physically, compliments me all the time. He's trying new things. He's going out, even if just to buy butter, with me and the kids just to spend more time with us. He's now appreciative of the things I've always done for him. He's helping 150x more around the house. He's supportive of the way I run the house. He's supportive of my 'issues' and he's not pressuring me into making any choices on his schedule. He's much more humble. He's trying to make things better in every facet of his life. He's making his OWN changes.

The things written yesterday are there, yes. But some of those (laundry, diet, money) are things that EVERY marriage could endure. Who's to say they'd be different with anyone else? Who'd find it 'cute' when I burst into tears at the thought of mice, or of killing crabs for dinner last night? (yes, true story-- he laughed at me, true, but it was in a 'you're so cute' type of way that only makes me feel SLIGHTLY stupid! lol) Who else will remember the little things? The things that have made me and my kids who we are today? Who else will love my kids this much? Who else will parent the way I want my kids parented?

In most cases, Chris and I parent the exact same. We came from different, but similar upbringing as far as parenting styles went. Chris and I both want the same things for our kids. The things we differ on are usually complimentary to each other. My strengths and his strengths. We use them together well.

And lately, like, the past 4 months or so, dating Chris has been really fun. We've tried a lot of new things together. Some good, some...uh... alright. But we tried them together, and we enjoyed the company. We made memories. More memories of each other in these past few months than possibly in our whole marriage! It's a wonderful thing; to feel like I have a brand-new marriage but with someone who already knows all about my idiosyncrasies. It's a second honeymoon. (although we didn't have a first honeymoon)

Most of all.
I'm one who firmly believes in second chances.

I firmly believe that I could ruin something wonderful because of something that I hold on to from the past.

I believe that people can change.

I believe in forgiveness. Repentance.

I believe that trust is never ALL gone. I like to imagine that, in 42 years, I could sit beside Chris at our 50th wedding anniversary, old and wrinkled, hand in hand, and realize just how much good could have been lost because of a mistake of youth soooo many years ago.

I believe that following your heart will always be the right choice. Even if you're hurt in the end, you don't live with the regret of doing what you 'felt' would have been the right choice.

And I believe that, should I decide to stay, even if the whole world thinks staying with Chris is the wrong decision, I'll still know that I did what I felt was right for me.

In reality.
This "issues episode" is hardest to write because, no matter what I write, I feel that the only thing that is portrayed are 'justifications', illogical emotional ideas, and approval-searching reasons. I have seen people treat Chris differently since the affair was made public, and I hate thinking that, if I stayed with him, I'd have to watch him get his nose rubbed in his mistakes over and over again from non-affected, outside spectators. Family especially, but friends too. That pains me. If *I* can forgive, why is it so hard for others to see that *I* am okay with him in my life-- so they should be too. I understand people get their feathers ruffled over someone hurting someone they love. I'm not naive to that reasoning behind their actions or feelings. But. Because they love me, they SHOULD be able to see that I'm happy with that choice, and accept it. Maybe even be happy with me. He doesn't make me into a bad person. He doesn't abuse me or my kids. He doesn't rub my mistakes in my face. He's a nice guy. He's an incredibly great guy... a great friend- fun and loving. He has phenomenal potential, and if he uses what he's afraid to use, he'll move mountains. I want to be here when he figures out what I see in him isn't in my imagination!

Let's rejoice in a changed marriage. in a changed person. In changed opportunity. Rejoice in the future of an exceptional life together. Rejoice in forgiveness and second-chances. Seeing as we are ALL in need of those.

Issues Episodes: Why I should Go

I never wanted to date anyone else when I was married to Chris. And don't correct me, I am well aware that I'm still married to him. But I'm talking about BEFORE. Before we separated and before we started 'dating' like we are now. er... like we SAY we are now. Cuz, really, what's the difference of us pre-affair and us now?

Actually. A lot!
Money.
Trust.
Fidelity.

big ones.

Before, I never had the inclination to date anyone else. Never thought I'd be happier with someone else. Never wanted to cheat. Never. Marriage was hard, but I was in it for the long run. I worked hard at it. In my way, maybe I was working on the wrong thing. But hindsight, it's a bitch.

And so, when I became 'single' ( you know what I mean by that word) I had to start a different mind-set. In my fear and sadness, I took what rocky, treacherous path laid before me and tried to pick the flowers alongside the road. I looked for the excitement of dating. I forced myself to 'move on' productively. Dwelling on past always kicks my butt, and I didn't want to do that for the rest of my life. For me, and for my kids, I needed to have a positive outlook on the future.

Thankfully, I had friends and others to help with that process. I started to realize that dating someone else had its benefits. I got excited about that idea. SCARED. But excited. I had men who told me they were excited about the idea of me dating too- as they hoped I'd date them. I felt wanted again. I felt worth someones attention. I liked being liked.

And now. Staying with Chris means taking that excitement of dating that I worked so hard to 'achieve' and letting it go. Transferring it to a NEW excitement. But still. THAT other excitement is shelved permanently.

And I'm not sure I'm happy to make that change.

I can't enjoy things I used to. I can't watch movies I love. Or TV shows. Why is infidelity such a huge, prominent issue in what's SUPPOSED to entertain me? It doesn't entertain me. It makes me sad. Two I've seen recently.

Hope Floats
The Wedding Date


I hate living with a constant reminder of pain. With trust issues I never had before. Fear.

I'm not sure that those things will change with someone else in the picture. But it's an option I haven't tried. And I kinda want to.

Besides all this, I like living alone. I hate feeling like the house needs to be perfect or someone will be cranky. If it's MY mess, I can deal. Cleaning other family member's messes (who are over the age of 8) is flat out irritating. I liked eating what I want, when I want. Feeding the kids what I felt like feeding them. No one to raise an eyebrow if dinner was peanut butter sandwiches because I was having a 'take-it-easy' day. No one to complain about not being able to find socks. If I do the laundry of yours, you don't get to get angry when it's not done on your timetable. And not that he gets 'angry'. He hardly even says anything negative about these things. But I know he feels them. I'm smart like that.

I like leaving the house when I want.
I like spending money the way I want.

I had more money with us being separated than I did with us 'dating'.
I had more time to myself when we were separated. Given, I had the kids 24/7 during the week, I had every other weekend to myself. I LOVED those weekends.
Chris suggested keeping it like that (with sleeping in and such) if we're together, but it's different. I feel guilty taking so much time for myself when the kids are around.

I didn't have to report to anyone on where I was or with whom. I feel slightly mistrusted now, for no reason that I can pinpoint. Chris' new jealousy issues are stifling and annoying.

I'm not sure I'm what he needs.

Issues Episodes: Divide and Conquer

I run a dayhome.



I love having my own business- doing things MY way. In MY home. With MY kids.
I love making money. I feel like I'm contributing to my family's well-being. I feel needed, appreciated, and valued. And, if I end up divorced from Chris, I need it to stay in my home and keep my children's stability to the best degree that I can.

I am used to children.
I have had difficult children in my home, difficult parents, difficult situations. I have made or deepened friendships with the families with children in my care.
I have had too little children in the home.
I have had too many children in my home.


I know the difference. My limit of 'sanity' is not your limit. My idea of what's safe may be different than yours. My idea of love is also different. My idea of a dayhome may differ from yours too. I treat these kids as my own. The families who have used me and liked me VALUE that. I am honest in my expectations of the children AND their parents when I take a new child in.

There are many kids here lately. Some are full-time. Some are not.
But they make a mess. They eat a LOT of food. They require lots of hugs. They fight. They cry. They scream.
They test me. They lie. They break things. They hurt each other. They hurt themselves. They laugh. They play. They learn. They experiment. They imagine. They grow.

And yes... this is normal for a daycare.


For one, I'm stressed because of EF's children being added to the mix. I'm stressed because I have a younger baby again-- something I haven't had for a while, and I'm still getting used to someone who eats ANYTHING on the floor. I have older kids who play with pennies and marbles, and, in cases of toys- I have had to throw out any possible choking hazards. In the case of money, I am CONSTANTLY adding to my penny jar. It stresses me out to think that, any nook or cranny that isn't spotless is a potential danger to that baby.

Like most moms of young kids, I have a hard time keeping a spotless house. And now I feel like I HAVE to, not only because I should.

My house is 'baby proofed'. But still. Fear. Sometimes babies hurt themselves without even being near obvious 'danger'.

I'm stressed because getting into new routines is hard. Remembering who can eat what is tricky. Who needs a nap? Who's crying? Who's stinky? Who hasn't been changed for a while? Whose diaper is this? Whose socks are these? Where's your soother, your blankie, your sippy cup, your parents!!!??

I'm stressed that being housebound because I don't have enough car-seats to safely transport the kids is something I've never encountered. I don't like that feeling. I don't like that if my daughter or son get hurt at school, I have a hard time finding a way to get to them in the middle of the day. I can't volunteer at their school. I hate feeling confined to an hour of 'errand time' between dinner and bedtime to take my kids with me and get what I need. First off- AS IF that's enough time. That's on top of homework and Beavers or whatever else comes in.

Who knows how long Child A is gonna be here anyways? Dayhomes have a high turn-over. People move, change jobs, stop working, don't mesh with your style, sleep with your husband...

I take what I can, when I can. Holidays and sicknesses and 'quits' affect my income, and, like any variable-amount job, I take the money when it comes so that the slower/quieter months are sustained.

Taking new kids is stressful.

I have potty-trained. I have taught to walk. To go up AND down stairs (yes, by example-- which I'm sure is humourous to watch). I've helped with homework. At the end of the day, I have provided what their parent's couldn't either by choice or necessity. That gives me pride. And, at the end of the day, I get hugs. And I get kisses. And, on rare occasion, they choose me over their parents. (muahahah) Which makes me smile once the door is closed. Unlike adults, children don't pretend to like you if they don't. So, I'm happy when they seem to return the love I have for them.

And, in case you're wondering,
Sometimes it's stressful, but I WANT this job. I LIKE this job. I've CHOSEN this job.

Issues Episodes: EF back in my life

(Written Thursday)

EF's been a person in my life since we met years ago. At that time, we were both young mothers with young kids in Soccer Camp. She was friendly and fun. Our kids got along well. And I ran a dayhome and she needed a new one.

It worked for the both of us. Money for me, security for her kids, relief for her. *Apparently, it also worked into a bang-buddy for Chris.* (cue bitter sentence end-- actually, who are we kidding? there's a lot of 'bitter' in this one. Get over it. and yes, I'm saying that to you AND me)

She became one of my closest friends. I saw her EVERY day. I grew to love her kids soooo much. I told her things I didn't really tell anyone else. I trusted her with so many facets of my marriage. Told her the bad, the good, and the great parts of Chris (*things she apparently needed to find out for herself?*) I confided in her in a way I don't confide in my friends anymore. I'm now afraid to tell my friends anything about my interactions with Chris. I can't vent, can't share ideas.

She has ruined friendships for me from the way they used to be. I have some INCREDIBLE friends. INCREDIBLE. But, at one time in my life, she was part of that list. Now I am too afraid that, just around the corner, another friend will slap me in the face as equally blatantly and painfully.

I bit off more than I could chew, and built a home I couldn't afford. We needed out of the house. EF wanted a bigger, nicer home.
Again, it worked out, and she and her hubby bought the BRAND-NEW, (beautiful, dream home) house that I lovingly built and designed. I didn't want to abuse or lose a friendship, so I charged her the EXACT price of the home we bought it for. No profit, although, we COULD HAVE made nearly 100,000$ if we sold it publicly. Nope. This just felt "right" to me.

I have always thought she was beautiful.
*Apparently, so did Chris.* She was on my list of people from yesterday's post I wanted to be like.

And when it all went unravelling in front of me, I missed her friendship dearly. I missed her kids. I missed seeing her daily. I hated driving out of my community, as I was FORCED to see my beautiful home with her inside. I couldn't get away from her, and I wanted to. But I didn't want to.

Then I dealt with a million pieces of shrapnel. I put what I could together, and discarded what I couldn't. Albeit scarred, I got better. Until I read Chris' journal, and found out that his disinterest in contacting EF was a lie. He wanted to see her again. To sleep with her again.

I told him to get out. We were done.



****
I have forgiven both of them. I have 'played' with her since. I have enjoyed being around her again. I have cried with her, and I look forward to having her back in my life.
Today, she could call. She could bring her children back into my home. I feel peace and joy when they're here.

She needs a friend. Someone who understands the situation and understands her pain. She needs me. I can't turn away someone who needs my help. I won't knowingly EVER do that.

If Chris is here, how do I know I'm not putting myself back at the same risk? How do I know she's telling the truth when she says she doesn't want to sleep with Chris? When he tells me he's sooooo done with that, how do I know he's telling the truth when he has already lied to me (albeit a long time ago) about his desire not to sleep with her? How do I know they're not currently sleeping together?! How can I deal with this constant paranoia, still have Chris in my life, and still have EF in my life?


*****
(written Friday)

Funny.
Today she called. Needed me to watch her son. And I was, of course, fine with that. Enjoyed the phone conversation, hung up, and proceeded to get all anxious again. WTF?!

I went and put on makeup. Obsessed over what pants to wear so I don't look fat. Obsessed over how to do my hair without making it look 'done'. Jewellery? No. Earrings? uh..too much. Then I cleaned. ANYTHING that could be seen from the front door.

Just.
to.
impress.
her.

To show her that I've got my crap together. That I'm doing well. That everything in my life is pretty and clean and put together. I even wiped the wood with wood-cleaner. So it was shiny.

Pathetic.
And then she arrived. And everything was good.

She'll be calling this evening to tell me if I'm watching her kids this week-- looks likely. Is this my subconscious "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" thing?!! I can't even tell you which side of that equation she's on!

Still, the funniest part about this all: WHO CARES IF THEY DO!? (have another affair)

Really...
The worst that could happen is that they have another affair. So? Good. Answers TONNES of questions quite permanently. I mean, what am I so afraid of? Losing Chris? (uh, do I WANT someone who'd willingly hurt me TWICE and abuse my forgiveness?! Besides. Big deal- I've lived without him once, I perfectly well know I'd be fine if I did it again!) Alternately, what, I lose EF? Big EF'n deal. LOL

So really. I'm dumb. He couldn't hurt me twice with an affair. I did so well in the first one, I'm not really afraid of any others. Not INVITING of others, but that's my biggest fear, and honestly, it's a dumb fear. If I *HAVE* to fear something, I should fear the unknown. Fear mighties. But fearing another affair?? Something I've been through and 'survived'?! That's just moronic.

Six Word Saturday

All "Issues Episodes" have been pre-written.



(For those who care, the schedule is as follows:
Sunday: EF
Monday: Dayhome
Tuesday: Being Single
Wednesday: Being Married
Thursday: Religion
Friday: Drugs)

Issues Episodes: Weight loss

Trying to explain this one isn't easy. In fact, there's LOTS of people I know who struggle with weight. Lots of people who have lost weight, who have wanted to lose weight.

This isn't about that.
This is about fear.

I can't gain weight. I mean, I CAN, physically, but mentally, gaining weight would be the death of me.

Which is partly why I'm here today. Dying mentally.
First off- no, I am not bulimic. Someone asked that. Frankly, that's gross, and I like my teeth too much for that.
Secondly, I'm not anorexic. Cha. Right. I like food.

When I get sad, I eat. Junk. When I get sadder, I don't eat. ANYTHING. it's just not something I want to do, find joy in, or remember needs doing. Food is so-- so-- low on my priorities. Blah blah, I'm well aware of health risks associated with that. Blah. Tell that to my body, that LITERALLY dejects food that comes in more quantity than a few snap peas and maybe a glass of club soda. Yah. My diet for the past few days.

And yet. THAT diet, I am still the same weight I was on December 1st.

Worst of all, I have TRIED to "Make the Change". I am training for a marathon. I should have dropped a pound or 20 in the past 7 weeks.

Nope. not one. Not even 1/2.

1) it's winter. We all put on weight in the winter, as it's a primal reaction to the cold weather.
2) I changed birth control to a hormone-based IUD. no, I don't need birth control.. I like not having a period... or so they assure me will happen eventually.
3) I'm building muscle
4) I'm stressed
5) I'm not sleeping properly
6) my diet, although it's not horrible, isn't great

pick one. Let's blame the stubborn scale on that.

What number will make me happy? 130? 120? 100?

Alas. It's a number. I'm not dumb-- I know these things. But you don't get it. You don't' get what it mentally does to me. Am I obsessed with the scale? yes. I spent nearly 6 months being TOLD to be obsessed about what the scale said. Being judged based on what the scale said. I am STILL judged based on that scale... I am still on TV, I am still followed by people who want to know how my weight issues are going. In fact, the BIGGEST google-search word for this blog is "Debbie X-Weighted". So, naturally I'm a bit worried about it. I may have chosen to bring the TV show into my life, but I was unaware of what that all entailed. I did not think it would change the way I view weight-gain and weight-loss. I didn't think it would follow me so long after the airing.

And yes, I'd still do it again. I needed it. And I like the attention from others. I like that others felt inspired by me. I like that people are curious about how I'm doing today. I just don't like the pressure I put on myself.

Red Bull, Xendarine, ephedrine and caffeine are my vices.

Am I worth anything if I'm not thin and skinny and tight? If we stay together, my need to want to please Chris (and me) drives me to push myself to be a person I don't think I can PHYSICALLY ever be.

I think I'm pretty, I think I have a lot to offer mentally and spiritually and emotionally. Physically?

I need to keep up with Mrs. Jones down the street. To be thin like her. Thin like the girl beside me at church. Thin like my friend. My sister. My daughter.. PICK SOMEONE. I need to be thinner than me.

Do these pictures inspire me? -yes. Are they realistic inspirations? - somewhat. I made them for fun initially. But there's something much deeper there. I am thankful you don't see how I look at those photoshopped pictures. I am thankful you don't see how I look at myself in the mirror.

Issues Episodes: Praefatio

For the next couple of posts, unless something else strikes me as blog-worthy, I'm going to go through what's going on.

I'm sorry. This is my mental diarrhea. You get to wade through it if you so please.

There's LOTS of things, but none of them seem to be more pressing than others. This is my year to "Make The Change". But, I'm not really sure what to 'fix' since I don't know what the major issue is that needs fixing. I'm afraid to change one thing, for fear of finding out it's not the thing that needed changing and possibly 'shooting myself in the foot' because of a rash decision.

The points I'll touch on, to name a few. They're not necessarily in order of posts-to-come, or even of importance. They're just the things that are contributing to my solicitude.

• Things with Chris are good. He's doing great, I'm just not sure yet. But I'm biding my time and waiting for clarity. Although I feel like I need to make a choice, about being with him or not, I refuse to make that choice just yet. I need to make it with a clear head, and I don't have that currently.
• The dayhome is busy.
• I'm not sleeping well. Money was tighter this month, but should be better (see: busy dayhome!;) ) next month.
• Any moment, EF could call me with her needing to bring her kids to my dayhome.
  
• I'm training for a marathon in the spring, (I've jumped off that bandwagon this past week because of this 'mental-case-ness') and, although only ONE person in my life understands this:
  
• I haven't dropped a single pound. But I just didn't feel like doing anything.
  
• Church is fine, but I'm trying to balance religion into what WORKS for my life, basically.
• February first, (inspired greatly by new friend, Kelly at Beauty of Expression.) I'm starting a vegetarian/raw/vegan diet. The vegan part, not so much, and raw will be MOST of the vegetable-form of food.
  

And, up until now, I haven't told anyone what's wrong. And frankly, I'm not even able to TELL what's wrong cuz I don't KNOW what's wrong! See? head case!

So. I'm gonna write. It helps me.
So you know, though, there will be BOTH sides to these issues, and not always on the same post. So be careful (and considerate pls) about what comments you make. You may not have received the whole story yet.

Is it too much to ask?!

My cryptic post

I shouldn't do it. But it's not the first time. And, although I say it won't happen again..every time, it does.

Because I like hurting myself like that. Why else would I do it? Maybe you're right.

So, let's go further down the staircase. It's too easy to go there together. Alone, I'm to happy to sit here.

Some things said to me are probably more for yourself. Heavy. It's a loaded word.



I really shouldn't do it. I really shouldn't have.

Tuesday Tunes- lesser knowns

So, sometimes people are all over artists that aren't on the 'major' radars. My brother is the guru of artists like that. He was all into Jason Mraz before he became more famous. Or Dave Barnes. Just, artists who aren't as TOP 40 as others.

Kinda like Duffy. She's my new 'thing'.

Syrup and Honey- Duffy: I just got introduced to this artist. I may be behind the game, and everyone else knows of her, but she's my latest obsession. I love her voice. She reminds me of a mix of old school group (The Angels) and Colbie Callait, whom I also love.
(I'm also WAY in love with this song of Duffy's: I'm Scared. Fantastic. *it's in the movie "Bride Wars".)

So, I'm all for being introduced to new artists I should check out.

Who is your slightly underground, or lesser known artist you love? Or, even if they're known, maybe you think they're underappreciated. Tell me.. I'd love to 'meet' new music. Me and my old music need to spice up our relationship.

AFK for a while?

I love having you guys as my sounding boards. I love blogging. Usually.

But I'm having a hard time lately. I'm sad, somewhat bordering a depression, and for the first time in my life, I am dealing with paranoia. Like, real paranoia.. where I think really stupid things for no rhyme or reason and have stress attacks and anxiety.

Tomorrow's post is already written and 'scheduled', so perhaps by Wednesday I'll find joy in writing again and will talk to you guys about what my mental head is going through. No worries- I'm fine. I'm just.. just.. not feeling quite myself and I can't even explain it right now. But that's where I am. In case you were wondering. :)

Six Word Saturday

Do sleeping pills come in bulk?!

Verification Explanation

I have LITERALLY started four different posts for today.

Each time I get a few paragraphs down, I realize that even *I* am bored of my lack of eloquence today, so it gets deleted. Grr for brainfarts. I think it's just that I'm tired from 8GV night last night. *I love me some Gothic Vaginas. They rock.

So, instead of me 'entertaining' you (let's pretend that's why you come here, just to make myself feel important!:) ), *YOU* get to play my game and entertain ME. I can't remember whose blog I saw this on, (if it's yours, speak up so I can add a link to your page and make you famous!) but I had so much fun with it, and found it so funny, that I knew I wanted to indulge the rest of you. And, because it's not my idea (not like it would matter if it was), play along on YOUR blog if you like!

***edit: Thanks to JillyBean at Thou Shalt Not Whine, where this idea stemmed from. She runs the game every Wednesday, if you wanna play, visit!

Today, because of my lack of motivational things to talk about, we're gonna play what I'm gonna call "Verification Explanation!"



In the comment box, write what word verification you are expected to type. And make up an explanation to describe what that word means. Fun stuff. The one above is just a silly example- Check out the comment section for my *real* example.

Go..

Leave a comment! it's the easiest comment you'll ever make, seeing as it's already there for ya! ;)





***
Oh, and in case you're keeping track of the score... last night was attempt #3.

SCORE:
Chris' need for me to know when "What do you Think" means "Tell me things I want to hear": increased

Debbi's points for waiting for the "What do you Think?" question: revoked.



It's beginning to look like a LONG season and a losing streak! :S

Nothing but the Truth Thursday

• I did NOT believe that yesterday, ONLY in my house (yes, I said *IN*), there reigned a full-moon. There was NOT a million fights between dayhome children. There were NOT injuries because of said non-existent fights. There was NO blood drawn. And NObody cried or whined all day. On top of that, there was NOT a child who defiantly refused to apologize for hurting another child. NO children threw another toy at any child's head. NObody fell off the ottoman, hitting their heads on the treadmill. NOone poohed their diaper 4 times in one day! NObody dumped not one, but two massive Rubbermaid containers of toys all over the TV room within an hour of the day starting. Oh. And EVERYone left their socks on all day, so I did NOT have to find matching pairs for a million children before their parents picked them up.
  
  
• I do NOT regret teaching the baby how to go down stairs, and was NOT surprised yesterday when she arrived at my feet in the kitchen. I did NOT then have a slight panic attack when the baby did NOT try to put every nasty leftover piece of kitchen-floor food into her mouth before I could NOT grab the vacuum. I DO keep a perfectly spotless house.
  

• I did NOT nearly fall off the treadmill (laughing) when, while listening to my iPod on 'shuffle', this song did NOT come on while this segment on Sesame Street did NOT play simultaneously on the TV in front of me (use your imagination to find how funny I found this!):

****Edit*** If I can get this to upload, I'll incude it. It's not working, after hours. Grrr. So, imagine watching THIS YOUTUBE VIDEO on mute, combined with only listening to THIS YOUTUBE VIDEO

• I did NOT get my feathers totally ruffled when a dayhome parent told me to discipline agressive children by, (and yes, I quote) "bashing their heads against the wall until they learn". It may or may not have been the parent whose child had a scratch from another child for the second time. I did NOT keep my opinions about this statement to myself and I did NOT fester all night while I thought of a million things I wish I had replied with.
  

• I did NOT have a friend tell me she caught her husband browsing online with an E-Harmony profile.

• I did NOT suffer serious anxiety for the remainder of the night because of these two previously mentioned things, therefore, I did NOT mentally check-out of my role as a mother before bedtime hit. And no, I did NOT skip nighttime songs (which are NOT my favourite part of bedtime routines, usually). I did NOT feel like crap about it.

• Today is NOT my day-off of marathon training and I am NOT rejoicing in that!

• Today is also NOT GV night. For that, I am truly NOT happy. I have NOT missed my girlfriends immensely!
  

• And finally, I did NOT get this idea from someone else while I was, once again, ignoring my children who were NOT doing homework bloghopping last night. I did NOT enjoy Tanja's blog and I do NOT recommend it.

Beating to my OWN drum

Apparently I'm a few days behind the 'cool-o-metre". The story of my life, I know. I'm either WAY too ahead of the cool-o-metre that it's NOT COOL YET (ie: Like, A YEAR OR TWO AWAY!) or I'm just barely behind it that I look dumb and slightly wannabe. Like when I wore fishnet stockings at 13. Which, clearly, are wonderful. But not at 13! Or, when I wore wedge and platform shoes in Japan in 1996. Which didn't arrive to Canada fashion until more recently. I'm still hoping that "slightly fat" is the trend on runways for 2009, and I'll have been a few years ahead of the trend then too!

You see, I'd like to think it's because I pick insanely wonderful people to surround myself with! They simply rock-

And they simply steal share all my ideas for blog fodder, like, a DAY before I'm 'scheduled' to air the so-called debut of my wittiness. :)

Which makes when *I* decide to post them a little.. uh... not as cool.

Like B-
After yesterday's song list, and my public disdain for Beyonce's music video, someone told me of THIS VIDEO. Which I love and vowed to share with the blogosphere! Which then ended up on B's blog yesterday! Now I can't share without looking like a follower. :) But B, you're sooo super cool for posting this. Cuz I sooo was gonna! So props out to BJo for sending me the link, and props to B for airing it!

So, instead I'll pick something no one else can share:
The anniversary celebrations last night.

Thankful to Auntie Kannie, Chris and I went out to dinner at Ruth's Chris Steak House. Which is SLIGHTLY keeping to our wedding/anniversary tradition of dining on our anniversary at the Calgary Tower. Calgary's Ruth's Chris Steak House (yah, say that 5 times fast) is located at the BASE of the tower. But still as expensive fancy as the TOP of the tower. We've eaten at the tower on our wedding night, and every year since-- last year being an exception as the tower was being remodelled and was closed for our anniversary.

First off.
What the heck is a "Chris Steak House". Not Chris's steak house. No, not that. Because the name of the restaurant clearly states that it's RUTH'S. It's her Chris Steak House. ???? I am still baffled at this one, and should probably google what the heck that is!

Food was "okay". Steak was phenomenal, but the side dishes (which are ALL ordered separately from your meat) are served for sharing. And frankly, I don't share.. :) What if I wanted the baked potato and Chris wanted the garlic mashed? Or I wanted the asparagus and Chris wanted the Broccoli Au Gratin -- (true story). We are lucky we both like garlic mashed. So we got that. And the broccoli, (although we possibly should have gone with MY desire and done the asparagus because the broccoli wasn't worth the plate it was served on IMO!) (oh, and *definitely* read the linkie there-- funny stuff, that Banterer)

But it was nice other than the drive there!

Story time:

The other day, Chris came home. Grumpier than grumpy from a bad day at work. As I'm making dinner, he proceeds (at my request) to talk to me about his yucky day. He gripes and complains as only a man does about people at work, and I listen intently. Lately I'm trying on the 'Good wife" hat and not giving my blasted opinion on everything he states. I'm simply LISTENING. (I know, don't fall off your chairs, in spite of my endless ramblings wordiness articulate nature on this blog, I CAN listen.)

He finishes his account of the crappy day.

I nod appropriately. And don't give him the MILLION OPINIONS and QUESTIONS and TWO-CENTS' worth of thoughts running through my head. The last thing he said was a statement. Not a question.
I answer, "hm."

*moments pass*

He gets up, obviously angry-like. (the chair flying across the floor may have slightly tipped me off!) (and I'm just kidding... for people who don't get my wonderful sarcasm! )
I ask what his problem is now?
He replies that I wasn't listening.


*?!?!?!?!!?!?!*

score:
Chris' grumpy mood= exponentially increased
Debbi's new 'listening' hat= fail


New Story:

Yesterday, on our way to the tower, we're stuck in traffic because of the Hockey game. Chris tells me of his conversation with his new counsellor he met with earlier in the day.
*I*, being the good wife who is afraid for her life if she doesn't learns quickly, listens for the appropriate amount of time.

AND THEN I COMMENT!
(see? I learned that that "hm" from previous conversations doesn't cut it. I'm smart like that)
I start the most thought-provoking, wonderfully engaging conversation that scholars will soon be knocking at my door! I'm profound! I'm intellectual!

And I'm SHUT DOWN!

He is unimpressed with my comment. Dismisses it with a 'well, whatever" when I say I disagree with a CONCEPT of the conversation and continues to tell his opinion.

THIS was a moment for the 'hm.'

Score:
Chris' need for a sounding board: increased
Debbi's new life-lesson that Chris wants conversation: fail

THANKFULLY, the tears of feeling like I can't win don't fall. I swallow my pride and the huge lump of crying in my throat. Instead, I wait until I've calmly gone over the conversation I need to start A MILLION TIMES IN MY HEAD before I mention my frustration.

And thankfully, we've determined the "What do you think" question is in need. Without that question, I will wear my shiny hat. WITH that question, all hail the life-lesson! (PS: there is stipulation that, should said question arise, that there is NO getting upset over what words ensue to spew out of my head! muahaha)

Aside from those two stories, the bad broccoli, and the let-down cheesecake for dessert (CLEARLY, only order the steak- save your wallet AND your disappointment for other things) it was a nice night. We enjoyed each other. We spoke NOTHING of year 9. Or even of next month.

Because I need to just "BE" today. Besides, if I think too far ahead, I get all 'flustrated' at the piles of laundry awaiting while I blog!! :)

Tuesday Tunes Returns in '09

It's been a month of Sundays, but, back by popular demand.

A few of my latest tunes to run to. Yes, they're old, but they're good running songs.

Single Ladies-Beyonce (might I add, I'm glad I'm not watching the video to this song while I run, as it drives me BONKERS!!! WHO WEARS THAT CRAP in public?!!)

Gotta Get Through This- Daniel Beddingfield (funny when you're running to think "gotta get through this." Yes, it may be about something SO NOT RUNNING, but uh, who listens to the verses anyways!?)

Faith- Limp Bizkit (totally takes me back! It may be just me, but sometimes 'angrier' sounding songs make me feel all powerful and crap and I get all Rocky 5 on that pavement's butt)

Right Type Of Mood- Herbie (try to figure out the lyrics-- that'll take you a good few miles. good luck! lol)

Greyhound- Dave Barnes' (something about travel songs while I run make me think: I could be a bus. Or a tank. Or a really nice 5th wheeler with extendable walls! )

Rumors- Lindsay Lohan (uh. so what if I like this song?! I didn't say I liked the artists in ANY of these lists. So you know!)


But I'm looking to branch out a bit. Here's where I use you ask you politely to help. What's YOUR favourite 'runamillionmilesuntilyouseriouslycan'tfeelyourlegs
anymorebutmustkeepgoingbecauseifyoudon'tyou'll
freezetodeathoutside' songs?



~~~~*~~~~*~~~~~

And you know how on THIS POST, I was supposed to quote lyrics to a song to sum up my life in 08? Yah, I found a better song. You Will Be Waiting- Barenaked Ladies

Let's personalize it even more than I already have. So, walk with me. We're imagining. (fun, hey?!) Chris saying to me:

As we walk together through the autumn, nearing winter
Through the dying leaves and trees we call our home and native land,
You say you don't believe a thing I say, I say you don't believe a thing
You say you can't believe how I don't understand

Chorus:
But I Know
That you will be waiting
Oh I know
That you will be waiting
Oh I know
You Will be waiting
Waiting there for me

You say you cannot live with me, you need your own identity (yep)
And now we air our laundry on national TV (SERIOUSLY!! SO US!!!)
And so you hate my arrogance, my smothering, and sitting on the fence, (yep, yep, and SOOOOOO YES!)
But I'm afraid of the hard permanence of letting you go free
(Uh, YAHH!!!! COULD THERE BE A VERSE MORE SUITED TO CHRIS AND I LAST YEAR?!!!!!!!)

Chorus

I'm so sick of fighting and that effigy you're lighting looks
An awful lot like someone whose name I just can't quite place
And though you say it's not supposed to be me or any entity
Still through the flames and smoke I see I recognize that face

Chorus

And you were someone who would
Always tell me things I don't know,
And tell me where to go (haha, yep, sometimes that's true too!)
But there I'll always go, always go there
Whether or not you're waiting
I don't care if you'll be waiting
But please say that you will be waiting there for me
Don't you ever leave me, don't leave

8 is great

Last year we sat at Catch. We were dressed up, and I had recently had a total makeover the day before.

I felt beautiful. I felt relieved-- filming was done. Photos were done. And I was no longer sad with my marriage.

Life was perfect.

I ate yummy food. I sat across the table from him, and celebrated that we had made it through the 'Seven year Itch". We had managed three pregnancies- where only 1 was 'planned'. We managed two houses. Almost three. We survived school, no money, postpartum depression. I can't count how many jobs we saw come and go. How many dayhome children. How many hours we spent in the emergency room with a child. How many nights of fighting, how many nights spent touching in love, how many tears of sorrow and heartache. And joy.

We made 7 years of memories. Of inside jokes. Of countless people living in our basement. Of missionaries for dinner. Of family reunions. Of date nights. Of lonely nights apart.

We drove miles through mountain after mountain. To our homes in BC and back home again. Miles and miles.

We had came so far. And had so much to look forward to. Things couldn't be worse anymore-- we had endured the hardest.

........

That was a year ago.

Tomorrow we will sit at dinner.
We will be dressed up.

I'll feel beautiful. I'll feel relieved-- the day is done. And I will no longer be sad with my marriage.

Life will not be perfect.

I'll eat yummy food. I'll sit across the table, and celebrate that we have made it through the 'EIGHT year Itch". We had managed an affair. The aftermath of such. We have managed a separation. Mediation courses. Divorce proceedings. We managed two houses. We survived depression, we survived every other weekend. I can't count how many dayhome children came and went.. How many nights of fighting, how many nights spent touching in love, how many tears of sorrow and heartache. And joy.

We made a new year of new memories. Of inside jokes. Of people living in our basement. Of missionaries for dinner. Of family reunions. Of date nights. Of lonely nights apart.

We have came so far. And have so much to look forward to. But this year, I don't venture to say that things couldn't get worse.

That's the greatest part about what our 9th anniversary will be able to say. What the 8th doesn't know yet. A little less than a year ago, we didn't think we'd be here, celebrating our marriage for the 8th year. And who knows if 9 will come.

So, on my anniversary tomorrow, I will celebrate. And that's all I need to do.
As for later, I'll remember this scripture,

"Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself..." (Matthew 6:34)

Six Word Saturdays

So, I've been blog-stalking (read: hopping from blog to blog) and have come across a few new ones of choice.

This one gave such a good idea, that I'm stealing it. Full credit to Cate's Face! ;) She writes:

"The idea came from a book Joe bought me for Christmas. The book is: Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure and it was edited by Smith Magazine. The book is based on Ernest Hemingway's short story, "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." The idea is to tell a story or describe your life in six words and the book is a collection of these. I'll give a couple of examples from the book jacket. "Found true love, married someone else." "After Harvard had baby with crackhead." "

So, we're putting it into action on Daisyhalos too. Jumping on the bandwagon/six word saturday train. Whoo wooo

Cuz, really, who wants to blog on the weekend?! Okay, *I* do. (apparently). But with running the long runs on Saturdays, I don't have time to ramble. I'm rambling NOW only because Chris is napping, I'm waiting for Becka to let me know if we're running together again this week or separately, and I'm watching the kids (read: letting Bear and LL play by themselves while Mimi is holed up in the pantry thinking she's getting away with eating cereal out of the Tupperware Cereal holders. And, while I am thinking of it: Tupperware Modular mates are simply wonderful. I feel all pretty-pantried (yes, pantRied, not pantied) with all my flour and sugar and onions and cereals nicely matching. Call me sexy.. er..silly...er..smart and organized. I just like matching panty sets. ... er.. pantRy sets. Panty, pantry--- they both hold tasty things. Wait. Tasty isn't the word I wanted-- that's just rude. They both hold.. uh..necessities?! One holds happy-family making things, and one holds happy family-making things! Don't mix those up, either!) (If you don't know which one does which, stay out of mine!!) (and by 'mine', I mean pantries.. sickos!)

OKAY.
today is not Superfluous Saturday (although, it does have the adequate alliteration). So let's get on to the post.


My six word Saturday this week:

Sustained A Succoring Colloquy With Chris

I Deprecate Math

Counselling last night.

Sometimes I feel like my counsellor isn't what I'm looking for. But, in veracity, no counsellor is really going to tell you what to do-- they're just supposed to help you with things you probably already knew, but needed someone else to explain or bring into light.

Which is what it's like for me. At least, what it was like last night.

~~~
I care too much about making everyone happy. On one side, I feel that accepting Chris back as my husband, having him move in, and having us continue in this fashion, would make certain people happy.

On the other side, I feel like moving on without Chris, continuing the divorce papers and starting 'over again' would satisfy other's opinions.

In reality, we all "KNOW" it's my life. It's really only MY decision. It's only ME that has to live with it. We all say those things. "I'll love you no matter what your decision is". Yah. I know. You know. We all know.

But let's talk candidly.

That's not the way it is for me.
I am NOT the only one affected by my choice. I am NOT the only one who has to live with my decisions. It is not only me.

If it were only me, I'd be able to make a rash decision and not think twice about it. If it were only me, I already know what I would do.

But it's not only me.
And I hate that others may not like my choice. It matters to me to feel REALLY supported. Not that bandaid-support: the 'always love you' support. I need that, yes. But we ALL have that. I'm looking for the TRUE support, where my decisions are rejoiced silently. Where I can FEEL like everyone is rooting for me in the same way they SAY they are. My support team of family members and friends' opinions have the tendency to mean more in my life than perhaps my OWN opinions.

This isn't 'right'. But it's just the way I function. I can remember only a few, brusque encounters when I haven't felt that way. And, when I didn't, I hurt people in the process of doing what I felt was 'right' for me. Today, I still doubt whether my gratification was warranted through their dysphoria or not.

And, because of who I am, that doesn't sit right with me. Would I rather suffer inside to ensure others are happy? Yes.

The counsellor helped me last night to see this about myself. I already kinda knew this about me, but having someone else tell me I function like this is much more pragmatic.

So, while I deliberate on these espial ascertainments, I'll be coming to grips with the mantra that making me happy is not selfish. I will make the change. And either decision will not make everyone happy. Furthermore, Chris and the kids will be positively AND negatively affected either way.

The only common denominator in these equations is Debbi. (who apparently speaks in third person!) So, the only nimrod of the volition is I.

Running to Catch Up?!

Muse (myz)

n.

1. Greek Mythology Any of the nine daughters of Mnemosyne and Zeus, each of whom presided over a different art or science.

2. muse

a. A guiding spirit.

b. A source of inspiration.

3. muse A poet.



Yep. I got nothin'!!!!

I have so much to catch up on, but it's kinda like laundry. After a while, with so much to catch up on, you simply CAN'T get it done without having a constant stream of further work. I mean, should I try to catch up on telling all the gruesome stories of the holiday antics, but I'd be here for weeks. And that's too overwhelming.

Instead, we'll pretend the festivities with family and friends didn't happen (which they DID, and they were fabulous) and just go to the present time.
School's back in session. And I'm TIRED!!
I have three full-time new kids who are young, and they're taking up a lot of my days with cuddles and diapers. I finally got all the Christmas stuff put away and my house is STARTING to get cleaned from the 2-week hiatus from serious cleaning, aka holidays! But the dayhome is taking more of my daily 'free'time, so I hope blogging isn't too harshly affected. Oh how I miss rambling!

Our ward (congregation) split again and we had our first Sunday together last week. It's still quite large, and young, but it's a good ward. I'm the music director (read: I direct the congregation through the sacrament meeting hymns). Good calling. Not too demanding, every Sunday, and doesn't conflict with Relief Society --- the only adult-time I get during the week!
Because GV night is NOT adult time, clearly! lol (although, GVs, I have missed you so these past few weeks!!)

I have my first night of counselling again tonight. It's been a while since I've seen my counsellor, so it'll be good to catch up. I don't know what to say or where to start, but that's what she's there for, right?! :) Chris has asked numerous times to move in, or has made mention of stuff like that, and I, for some reason, just can't agree to it yet. Don't get me wrong, I'm LOVING the time we're spending together, and the changes he's made. I'm happy with everything, but my fear holds me back. And I hate fear. So we will see what tonight's talk holds.

I am in a fight with my treadmill though. I'm already almost finished 5 weeks of training for the marathon, and I haven't dropped a single pound! Thankfully, during Christmas, I didn't gain anything either. But still, not a single eensy pound has dropped! And, after running a whopping 9 miles on Saturday (and living to tell about it!), you'd think my body would start to realize that carrying extra pounds is kinda counterproductive to the running business.

So, instead, I continue through the week, and will be running 10 miles this weekend. HOW I'm going to do it, I don't know- seeing as I have the kids alone this weekend and can't get out running since Chris is out of town-- therefore, he can't watch the kids while I'm gone for a few hours. Treadmill, here I come. Boo.

*if you, too, are wanting to get in shape, or have made a New Year's Resolution to do something active, check out the "Be-Fit" blog on the sidebar. You're only a few days behind, but it's not too late to start (and sign up if you're in the southern AB area in March)*

I think it's sad how tired I am. It's only the first week back to 'regular', and I'm ready for a vacation!!!!!!