Before I start, if you're not LDS, you possibly won't understand much of this post. I'll do my best to explain, but most things are kinda just 'societally' understood in the Mormon Culture. We have our own language: Being "a member", HFPE, Relief Society, Visiting teaching, Home teaching, Callings. We have our own 'culture': burning shirts as missionaries,
Going on girls' camps, or Trek, 
3-hour blocks of church every Sunday, clothing or jewellery we don't wear, clothing we DO wear.
Things I've grown up with. And things I love. I think it's a phenomenal religion, and, in spite of researching many others, have firmly believed that this is the one I would have chosen on my own, given the option of not being born into it.
But some things I don't believe. Some things I'm afraid to SAY OUT LOUD to anyone. Things I disagree with.
I hate being 'one foot in' in the church. I hate being 'one foot out' as though I'm a hell-bound heathen.
But, although I feel happy there, and it feels like where I want to be FOR ME and my kids, I feel like the true message is getting lost. I feel like I'm more judged by others than accepted for those issues. I love my ward; the people in it, and the leadership. But something isn't right. I feel like the messages we're all preaching AND BELIEVE IN are hardly followed. Forgiveness. Love. Charity. Compassion. They're there, but so many times, in the SMALLER instances, they're not.
I made promises in the Temple that I can't keep. I can't keep them because I don't believe in them. I don't WANT to keep them falsely. I don't want to act like one person, when I know that's not me. I don't want to be uncomfortable in a place where I should feel peace. Because I don't feel peace there. I never really have. And I tried for nearly 8 years. Trust me, I tried. Do I think it's a great place? yes, for those who believe it to be. It's beautiful! Inside and out!! Some of these buildings are some of the most beautiful buildings in the world. It's quiet inside. It's spotless inside. It's a great place to meditate. But it's not a place for me. I don't know if it ever will be. But today, I don't think so.
The temple is such an integral part of our church. Can I believe in the gospel without believing in the temple? Illogically to most, I believe I can. To most members, though, they would answer no. Chris supports my attendance and involvement in church. For those who speculate because he's not LDS that these are my reasonings-- I came to these conclusions without Chris. During the summer. When I re-evaluated every choice I had ever made, and what future choices I wanted to make. If I left the church or stayed until the day I died, Chris will respect my choices because he knows I made them for ME.
So, I'm trying to figure out how to go what feels like against the grain and do what makes me happy without being a hypocrite. Finding spirituality is such a personal thing. I'm not afraid to feel what I feel. I'm just afraid to admit it, for fear of being shunned or labeled.
(kay, seriously, I love this photo. That was a great night for photos, Kare!)
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Issues Episodes: Believing What I Believe
at 6:32 AM
Labels: Issues Episodes, Make The Change, religion, sob stories
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14 comments:
I will keep it brief... since it's your blog... but I definately have at least a post all of my own about this subject. I value your opinion and your openness. This is a difficult subject for many, and few care to discuss it. I think we would all be surprised by how many Mormons go to the temple once and that's it. It's a struggle for many, myself included. In a way it's like learning all you can about another culture... learning the language, dressing the dress, etc. and then suddenly immersing yourself in the actual country and culture and realizing you don't understand a word, understand the customs nor want to be there. Staying longer in a foreign country either brings appreciation and understanding, or discomfort and despise. Though I truly believe trying to make sense of what you are feeling and why is a part of spirituality that perhaps is part of the purpose of temples. Enough already. Thanks for the reflection.
PS - You look fabulous in that picture in front of the temple!
I agree with "coloured days" re: hot temple pic. I firmly believe that a person should hold onto their own morals, values, and beliefs...and not how another person tells them to interpret faith. Hold tight to what you embrace. Your faith is just that: yours.
Very thought provoking post Deb.
From this hell-bound heathen to you...lol. I understand what you're saying. I struggled spiritually for many years after my dad's excommunication and I never could justify how some people blatantly judged, not only him, but me within the church.
For me, the temple was always like a starched white shirt...nice to look at but stiff and awkward to wear.
Ok, this one I want/need to comment on. 'My Many Colored Days' expressed it very well -thank you.
Your words,"But something isn't right. I feel like the messages we're all preaching AND BELIEVE IN are hardly followed. Forgiveness. Love. Charity. Compassion. They're there, but so many times, in the SMALLER instances, they're not."
In this I hope to remind you that you are actually talking about 2 different things as one. The gospel and teachings of Christ, as we teach in the LDS church are principles we are all striving for, Forgiveness, Love, Charity, Compassion. You are particularily gifted with respect to these particular principles both because you understand them so well and because they are all very important to you. Simply by reading your last few posts, these principles are main themes, and evidence to your character.
Please remember however that members of the LDS church are not all blessed with the same gifts you or I have, or are not 'striving' for anything. Many people find it extremely difficult to empathize or even to try to see someone else's point of view. Those people will have to account for that before Christ someday. Like the parable of the talents, many squander their talents (are selfish and uncharitable) while others may not even realize how rude, judgemental or un-Christ-like they are being. The fact is people are people - good, bad and down-right ugly.
We will all be held accountable for what each of us believes, doesn't believe, does or doesn't do at the Judgement seat (IMHO).
The way I look at it is this, Christ has asked us to be forgiving (even of those who mock us), loving (even of those who hurt us), charitable (even to those who may not deserve our charity),and compassionate (even to those who show no compassion to us). That is what the Church teaches, that is what I strive to do and often falter. What others in my ward or even around the world do is of no importance to my salvation if I am keeping my eyes on what is right.
As far as the temple goes, I can't express how sad it makes me that you have never experienced what I have experienced. Yet, I cannot force or create that experience for you. If you are not getting what you want from the temple (and I know some may be surprised by what I say next), don't go. Your spiritual salvation is between you and the Savior - no one else. You know what the doctrines are and understand them. You need to be in a mind set where you decide to go to serve Him, not because you should, or because of appearances.
I am a true believer in obedience to God even when it is not easy or you plain don't want to, but that same obedience needs to come from your heart freely - not forced.
You have so many decisions and changes surrounding you. This is yet another than no one else can make for you (obviously). As your friend, I love you and will stand by your side no matter where you end up in your decision.
Sorry for the long rant, and I hope you understand the spirit in which this comment was intended.
Luv Ya!
I love your posts lately. I love that you are searching, purging thoughts, pulling things into the light.
Spirituality is sometimes lost in the religious process. It truly is a personal pursuit, prayer, meditation, our choices, they are all things we personally have to do. Religion is often about the 99. I have a hard time assimilating myself into a congregation and thus rarely enjoy the blessings and challenges of comradeship.
I have no answers for you, other than the only answers you can live with are the ones you earn for yourself. The ones that love you regardless are the friends that will matter in the long run anyway.
Bold.
Looks like you are taking a stand.
My struggle appears to be your struggle too.
Kindred spirits.
It was an AWESOME night for pictures, babe! :) And you know where I am on this one.
LOVE YOU.
Yes, beautiful picture in front of the temple. I agree.
I love you. That's all I can really say. That, and that I'm really glad we're sisters. :)
Debbi... I have never met you, but came to find you from someone's blog who I do know.
I am also a member...
I LOVE coming and checking your blog out. and come, sometimes more than once a day. :)
I want you to know how much I admire you, your honest, you say it how it is. Its sad that you did'nt feel what I have felt there, but I do understand.
I personally love going to the Temple. I am so happy to see the comments so far.. I can see how everyone loves you for YOU.
I like how you have handled all your situations with class.
I'm sorry that this is all over the place... I just want to say that even though I have never met you, I like you, just keep being you, everyone loves you just the way you are.
I'm on the same page as you Deb. Sad part for me is that I want to go...I just can't. I don't drive! (hahahaha!!) Not only that...but going to the temple is so special and if you don't feel right about going, no one should force you. I'm just waiting for the "ok" from him someday.
Maybe I'll feel worthy enough to trek back in there. Until then, I'm going to try my hardest to continue to follow the Saviour's path and remember his teachings. I'll listen to him...because too often, his words get mixed in with personal propaganda and are lost.
You're right about the main things being lost.
And it's really hard to be one thing and not be a hypocrite. You and I may never be "molly"...but we're honest and true. At least we got that part right!!
Love you immensely!
Fascinating post, something I don't understand AT ALL because the extent of my knowledge of the LDS church is limited to what I read in Under The Banner of Heaven, which mainly focused on the FLDS. But it is interesting to read what you write as you're working through your personal spirituality on your blog.
I know this is way past dated and I apologize about even posting but I had to. I am also a member and I was also born in the church. I was so touched by this post because what you feel is so important. We just made a huge move to a place where the church is much weaker and the people do not have the understanding of basic principles that most in Calgary did. In our old ward we could have rational conversations about spiritual, or other topics and come out feeling uplifted and edified. We were no better than anyone else understanding that every religion has some truth because Heavenly Father loves ALL of us, not just those in the church. How arrogant is it to think we are the ONLY ones who are allowed the truth, most understood that and we welcomed everyone in and out of the church into our lives with equal love. Christ was a regular and constant topic at church.
In our new ward it has been a constant struggle. They are tons of crazy ideas being thrown around. Ideas are more extreme ( "People who are not in this church are not really happy", "people who do not join the church or go inactive are going to hell", "the pope will be punished for misleading millions of people" (WHAT!! A man who devotes his life to spreading charity and love to others is going where?!!!) and so many others that are so much worse) and we rarely hear about Christ as JS is the only topic on hand. My husband does not attend church with me anymore, even though he had a strong testimony before we moved and rarely missed church, because of some comments that have made him "research" certain "facts" that were preached about in sacrament meeting. This has made him question many things about the church including the temple. He has a problem with a church now.People that say his family is going to hell just because they are not apart of the church even though they are wonderful and charitable people.
I still have a strong testimony of the church and want to be apart of it but I have many of the same frustrations as he does. Even though I attend every week, I do not enjoy being there and it only makes it worse that there is no one close to ours or our children's ages. After struggling with this and many tears, I found an amazing power point presentation written by a BYU professor (who still is active and teaches there). He said many honest and educational things about facts about the church that many may not know but are true and about people who have fallen away and why. And also about how we take too many things so literally in this church. How important it is that we figure out what is important for our own spiritual well being and do that and understand that it is not the same for everyone. How we should never judge others for not doing "all that they are supposed to" because it may not be the same for everyone. How Heavenly Father will look at us and see that we are doing our best with what we believe and how we will be judged on what we do with what we think is right and not by the small steps we trip on or the traditions that others place so much importance on. We all have to trust that Heavenly Father loves us and that he will not stop loving us for turning down the calling that we knew in our hearts that we could not handle or fulfill at this time in our life. he bore his testimony and I felt the spirit so strong. I am okay with everything now. I feel so much peace and faith. I know everything will be okay and I am going to do what I think is right. My husband is an amazing man, an incredible father and an even better husband and I know he will be blessed for that no matter what he decides. I am sorry I only wanted to let you know you are not alone. I think you are amazing and I feel so much love for you. Maybe your issues have past, maybe they have not but I just had to share with you.
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