Issues Episodes: Why I Should Stay

what makes you stay?

It's interesting, but this is the only 'episode' that's hard for me to write. The others kinda 'flowed'. Like a little gripe-session. A vent. Full of angst and pain and frustration.

But this one doesn't have that. This one makes me want to hold the reasons just all to myself. This one, of all of them, is most close to my heart, so this one is hardest to share.

Why should I stay with Chris?


In JUST those reasons, that would be enough. And yet, it's not. I mean, no matter WHAT (together or apart), we'll have those three faces. We'll always be the parents to those babies. And staying together 'for the kids' is something neither of us find as a valid solution.

It's not about them, really. We like to think that, in spite of their behaviour issues and upset routines, we did really well with the kids when we were apart.

But I'd be staying for more than that.
I'd be staying because I love him. And yes, love is also another reason, like above, that doesn't necessitate staying together.

I'd be staying because he's a good father. A good provider. A good listener.

Most easy to recognize, is his changed attitude about priorities and self-discovery. When we were married before, he refused any 'help' from counsellors about things he agreed were issues he needed to deal with. Now, he's doing counselling on his own accord. He's writing in a journal. He's finding his own spirituality. He's doing things I need or want without me asking for them first. He's attending church with me TO SUPPORT ME because he knows I need that. He finds me attractive, wants to be with me physically, compliments me all the time. He's trying new things. He's going out, even if just to buy butter, with me and the kids just to spend more time with us. He's now appreciative of the things I've always done for him. He's helping 150x more around the house. He's supportive of the way I run the house. He's supportive of my 'issues' and he's not pressuring me into making any choices on his schedule. He's much more humble. He's trying to make things better in every facet of his life. He's making his OWN changes.

The things written yesterday are there, yes. But some of those (laundry, diet, money) are things that EVERY marriage could endure. Who's to say they'd be different with anyone else? Who'd find it 'cute' when I burst into tears at the thought of mice, or of killing crabs for dinner last night? (yes, true story-- he laughed at me, true, but it was in a 'you're so cute' type of way that only makes me feel SLIGHTLY stupid! lol) Who else will remember the little things? The things that have made me and my kids who we are today? Who else will love my kids this much? Who else will parent the way I want my kids parented?

In most cases, Chris and I parent the exact same. We came from different, but similar upbringing as far as parenting styles went. Chris and I both want the same things for our kids. The things we differ on are usually complimentary to each other. My strengths and his strengths. We use them together well.

And lately, like, the past 4 months or so, dating Chris has been really fun. We've tried a lot of new things together. Some good, some...uh... alright. But we tried them together, and we enjoyed the company. We made memories. More memories of each other in these past few months than possibly in our whole marriage! It's a wonderful thing; to feel like I have a brand-new marriage but with someone who already knows all about my idiosyncrasies. It's a second honeymoon. (although we didn't have a first honeymoon)

Most of all.
I'm one who firmly believes in second chances.

I firmly believe that I could ruin something wonderful because of something that I hold on to from the past.

I believe that people can change.

I believe in forgiveness. Repentance.

I believe that trust is never ALL gone. I like to imagine that, in 42 years, I could sit beside Chris at our 50th wedding anniversary, old and wrinkled, hand in hand, and realize just how much good could have been lost because of a mistake of youth soooo many years ago.

I believe that following your heart will always be the right choice. Even if you're hurt in the end, you don't live with the regret of doing what you 'felt' would have been the right choice.

And I believe that, should I decide to stay, even if the whole world thinks staying with Chris is the wrong decision, I'll still know that I did what I felt was right for me.

In reality.
This "issues episode" is hardest to write because, no matter what I write, I feel that the only thing that is portrayed are 'justifications', illogical emotional ideas, and approval-searching reasons. I have seen people treat Chris differently since the affair was made public, and I hate thinking that, if I stayed with him, I'd have to watch him get his nose rubbed in his mistakes over and over again from non-affected, outside spectators. Family especially, but friends too. That pains me. If *I* can forgive, why is it so hard for others to see that *I* am okay with him in my life-- so they should be too. I understand people get their feathers ruffled over someone hurting someone they love. I'm not naive to that reasoning behind their actions or feelings. But. Because they love me, they SHOULD be able to see that I'm happy with that choice, and accept it. Maybe even be happy with me. He doesn't make me into a bad person. He doesn't abuse me or my kids. He doesn't rub my mistakes in my face. He's a nice guy. He's an incredibly great guy... a great friend- fun and loving. He has phenomenal potential, and if he uses what he's afraid to use, he'll move mountains. I want to be here when he figures out what I see in him isn't in my imagination!

Let's rejoice in a changed marriage. in a changed person. In changed opportunity. Rejoice in the future of an exceptional life together. Rejoice in forgiveness and second-chances. Seeing as we are ALL in need of those.