I Deprecate Math

Counselling last night.

Sometimes I feel like my counsellor isn't what I'm looking for. But, in veracity, no counsellor is really going to tell you what to do-- they're just supposed to help you with things you probably already knew, but needed someone else to explain or bring into light.

Which is what it's like for me. At least, what it was like last night.

~~~
I care too much about making everyone happy. On one side, I feel that accepting Chris back as my husband, having him move in, and having us continue in this fashion, would make certain people happy.

On the other side, I feel like moving on without Chris, continuing the divorce papers and starting 'over again' would satisfy other's opinions.

In reality, we all "KNOW" it's my life. It's really only MY decision. It's only ME that has to live with it. We all say those things. "I'll love you no matter what your decision is". Yah. I know. You know. We all know.

But let's talk candidly.

That's not the way it is for me.
I am NOT the only one affected by my choice. I am NOT the only one who has to live with my decisions. It is not only me.

If it were only me, I'd be able to make a rash decision and not think twice about it. If it were only me, I already know what I would do.

But it's not only me.
And I hate that others may not like my choice. It matters to me to feel REALLY supported. Not that bandaid-support: the 'always love you' support. I need that, yes. But we ALL have that. I'm looking for the TRUE support, where my decisions are rejoiced silently. Where I can FEEL like everyone is rooting for me in the same way they SAY they are. My support team of family members and friends' opinions have the tendency to mean more in my life than perhaps my OWN opinions.

This isn't 'right'. But it's just the way I function. I can remember only a few, brusque encounters when I haven't felt that way. And, when I didn't, I hurt people in the process of doing what I felt was 'right' for me. Today, I still doubt whether my gratification was warranted through their dysphoria or not.

And, because of who I am, that doesn't sit right with me. Would I rather suffer inside to ensure others are happy? Yes.

The counsellor helped me last night to see this about myself. I already kinda knew this about me, but having someone else tell me I function like this is much more pragmatic.

So, while I deliberate on these espial ascertainments, I'll be coming to grips with the mantra that making me happy is not selfish. I will make the change. And either decision will not make everyone happy. Furthermore, Chris and the kids will be positively AND negatively affected either way.

The only common denominator in these equations is Debbi. (who apparently speaks in third person!) So, the only nimrod of the volition is I.