Issues Episodes: Why I should Go

I never wanted to date anyone else when I was married to Chris. And don't correct me, I am well aware that I'm still married to him. But I'm talking about BEFORE. Before we separated and before we started 'dating' like we are now. er... like we SAY we are now. Cuz, really, what's the difference of us pre-affair and us now?

Actually. A lot!
Money.
Trust.
Fidelity.

big ones.

Before, I never had the inclination to date anyone else. Never thought I'd be happier with someone else. Never wanted to cheat. Never. Marriage was hard, but I was in it for the long run. I worked hard at it. In my way, maybe I was working on the wrong thing. But hindsight, it's a bitch.

And so, when I became 'single' ( you know what I mean by that word) I had to start a different mind-set. In my fear and sadness, I took what rocky, treacherous path laid before me and tried to pick the flowers alongside the road. I looked for the excitement of dating. I forced myself to 'move on' productively. Dwelling on past always kicks my butt, and I didn't want to do that for the rest of my life. For me, and for my kids, I needed to have a positive outlook on the future.

Thankfully, I had friends and others to help with that process. I started to realize that dating someone else had its benefits. I got excited about that idea. SCARED. But excited. I had men who told me they were excited about the idea of me dating too- as they hoped I'd date them. I felt wanted again. I felt worth someones attention. I liked being liked.

And now. Staying with Chris means taking that excitement of dating that I worked so hard to 'achieve' and letting it go. Transferring it to a NEW excitement. But still. THAT other excitement is shelved permanently.

And I'm not sure I'm happy to make that change.

I can't enjoy things I used to. I can't watch movies I love. Or TV shows. Why is infidelity such a huge, prominent issue in what's SUPPOSED to entertain me? It doesn't entertain me. It makes me sad. Two I've seen recently.

Hope Floats
The Wedding Date


I hate living with a constant reminder of pain. With trust issues I never had before. Fear.

I'm not sure that those things will change with someone else in the picture. But it's an option I haven't tried. And I kinda want to.

Besides all this, I like living alone. I hate feeling like the house needs to be perfect or someone will be cranky. If it's MY mess, I can deal. Cleaning other family member's messes (who are over the age of 8) is flat out irritating. I liked eating what I want, when I want. Feeding the kids what I felt like feeding them. No one to raise an eyebrow if dinner was peanut butter sandwiches because I was having a 'take-it-easy' day. No one to complain about not being able to find socks. If I do the laundry of yours, you don't get to get angry when it's not done on your timetable. And not that he gets 'angry'. He hardly even says anything negative about these things. But I know he feels them. I'm smart like that.

I like leaving the house when I want.
I like spending money the way I want.

I had more money with us being separated than I did with us 'dating'.
I had more time to myself when we were separated. Given, I had the kids 24/7 during the week, I had every other weekend to myself. I LOVED those weekends.
Chris suggested keeping it like that (with sleeping in and such) if we're together, but it's different. I feel guilty taking so much time for myself when the kids are around.

I didn't have to report to anyone on where I was or with whom. I feel slightly mistrusted now, for no reason that I can pinpoint. Chris' new jealousy issues are stifling and annoying.

I'm not sure I'm what he needs.