Mi Vida Loca?

(no Wednesday Ws today)

It's finally time in my life to blog about this.
I've struggled for a few weeks with these thoughts, but in the past three days, it all came down and I've really had a hard time.

Ever since the whole Beau thing, I have taken a lot of time pondering and evaluating the type of mother and dayhome provider I am. I have NEVER doubted my love for my kids or my charges, and I have hardly doubted my abilities to take care of such. I mean, every mother does, to an extent, feel unprepared and unqualified to lead another life in the proper direction. Every mother, I don't care who you are, wonders if they could have done something different. Or better. Or loved more. Or with a firmer hand. Or. or... or.

But I can't shake the things that were typed and said to me about my mothering abilities. This is not a plea for a million comments of "Oh, Debbi, you're a good mother". I don't want to hear that. But thanks anyways. And this is not an invitation for "I told you so" or something like that. This is just me sorting through my thoughts and sharing my insecurities with you.

I lost a dayhome child the other day. because I was 5 minutes late for picking her up from the bus. Now, given, I'm PAID to be there for her. But I was late. SOOOO not excusing myself. There are three other mothers there who have been part of the 'busstop mamma' group for three years now. We have been there through divorces and births and miscarriages and weightloss... we have become FRIENDS while waiting in the cold and sleet for that yellow bus to appear over the hill. We have ALL been late, and when it happened, someone else took that child home until the mother was able to pick them up. It is nothing among friends. And the mother of the dayhome child WAS PART OF THAT. We've all taken her children. We've all had her take ours. It's just what we do.

So, when I was late, in my worried haste, I still knew another busstop Mamma would be there to pick her off the bus and take her home. I pulled up just as they were leaving the busstop in their own cars.

The mother fired me for being late and having that happen. Which confused me. A) she knows of the busstop mamma 'code'. B) she has BEEN LATE HERSELF. C) I told her that, because of Bear's school not having a bus for the ride home, that when I was carpooling him, I MAY be a few minutes later if the weather was bad or the roads were clogged, etc. She knew that, agreed to that, and knew that another mother would be there for her daughter.

As a dayhome provider, I deserve to be fired for that. As a friend, I was shocked. And when you're friends with the dayhome families, things can get cloudy if you let them. Case in point, EF.

I'm telling this story because it upset me, yes. But what upset me more is what this blog is about.

She came over to pay me, and, with tears in her eyes and worry over our friendship, asked if I was 'mad'. I'm not mad, no. I explained how I was feeling, and then she said something that bit. She said, "I was talking with (the busstop mammas), and we think that you just have too much going on right now, it's probably better that you don't have as many children with so much going on." And she made some motion with her hands around her head, as in, "too much in your head going on".

......

The other week, I mentioned to a family member that I thought being a Brite Consultant would be good because I know A LOT of young mothers. Mostly, I thought about being a consultant to get the books for a better price than retail! :) I wouldn't actually DO parties, any more than I'm doing Pampered Chef ones. But I'd use the products, just like I do with the Pampered Chef stuff! They then told me that I had enough going on in my life and shouldn't take on anything else. (not that I was going to) On another instance, I had another family member tell me that I have too much 'drama' in my life and that I needed to simplify it.

Fast forward to yesterday.
I was out shopping, and a lady freaked out on me. She told me I was an unfit mother, and a bunch of other things. Basically, she didn't like the way I was mothering. I drove away, in near tears and shaking. Of course, I thought of all the good comebacks as I was driving away, but it managed to sting really badly and somewhat hurt for the rest of the day.

I have started wondering- does everyone else see something I don't see? One Anon said, "You are very good about convincing yourself you have done the right thing, or finding the good in situations even when you have screwed up, instead of just admitting you made a mistake." Am I as horrible as people are saying I am? I mean, *I* never thought I was HORRIBLE. And I don't claim to be perfect. But I thought I was pretty well-qualified. I thought I could handle it better than most (and have been told that I DO by others, and by people who are in the home with all the kids and can't 'keep their cool' the way I can). Maybe I am deluded? Maybe EVERYONE else thinks I've got too much going on. Even my friends said, "I truly hope that things settle down again and you can have some more peaceful moments in your life."

Do you ALL think I have no peace in my life? That I'm in a constant upheaval? Seriously?

After these few instances, and a few other random comments from people, I have come to some personal thoughts and theories and feelings. You may not agree, but (TODAY) I see it this way;

1. Theory: People say "you have too much going on and you can't handle it" because if THEY were in the situation I'm in, THEY couldn't handle it. I haven't said that I had too much going on (in the grand scene-- given, on a day-to-day basis, some days are busier than others) so I don't know why people want to TELL me that I do. I do NOT complain about my lot in life-- in most cases, I have CHOSEN this path. And most importantly, I am more happy with my life TODAY than I have been in a VERY long time. As disillusioned as you may think I am, it's the truth.
   
2. People are quick to tell me I have too much going on because my crap is out there for the world to see. I don't hide it behind platitudes and masks of happiness. The mother of that dayhome child suffers from SEVERE depression and is unhappy with her marriage. But, no one can LITERALLY see that. I only know that because we talk as friends. I even asked her, "you mean to tell me you don't think others have a lot going on? " She just teared up and nodded in agreement with my train of thought. "Because, really," I continued, "I have the same amount of stuff going on as others, but mine is just out there for people to see." And it's true. I may have 'drama'. But you do too.
   This, I KNOW, is the truth for many people. Don't tell me that your life is so 'peaceful', because EVERY SINGLE PERSON I KNOW has something they're dealing with. Something they struggle with, and something in their life they are working on improving. I, for one, hope I've never told someone they were dealing with their stuff wrong. Yes, we all strive to bring MORE peace into our lives, but don't try to convince me that your life is heaven. It just doesn't work that way.
   What REALLY hurt-- she is letting another busstop Mamma watch her daughter. The other busstop mamma is ALSO going through a divorce, only, her ex is the ex from you-know-where. They don't talk in polite terms, let alone spend ANY time together, and she constantly fights with him. How is that person MORE qualified than I am to 'handle' things? I'm trying not to judge, but in my hurt, it's been really tough to understand.
3. I know my children are healthy, educated to the best extent that I know how, fed, clothed, and socialized in many ways. They are entertained, they are loved and loved, and they are surrounded by many uplifting things. I do not think I am a perfect mother, but I believe I am the perfect mother for THEM! I am not a bad mother. And having ANYONE, especially other mothers, try to tell me otherwise is probably MORE hurtful than someone else.

forget the pity party- unlike Anon who said, "which is probably why you write this blog so that you can get someone to make you feel better about what you have done", I DO NOT write this blog for that reason. I am upset, and I vent through my writing. AND, I want you to know why I may act certain ways in the future.

But, those of you who made some of these blue comments, if you wanted your opinion to hurt, it did. I think most of the time, that was the intent. So good on you for achieving it. For making another human doubt their abilities. For taking away some personal pride in my job and my role as a mother. For tearing me down with simple words.