Mars and Venus

I have no news as of late. So, we're gonna talk about my favourite and least favourite subject:
Men.
Can't live with them. Can't live with them.

I think that's how that saying goes. :) Nonetheless, I find women far more fascinating. I mean, if you really think about it, men are kinda boring and dumb. You understand one, you most likely understand most of the others! ;)

My guide to the common Man. I call it, "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Understanding A Complete Idiot".

• When a man gets sick, it is inevitable they will become the BIGGEST babies ever! EVER! you wanna talk about how much pain you're in with your headache/tummy ache/hangnail? How about the baby I pushed out???? THREE TIMES. And yes, referring to the babies I pushed out is ALWAYS the kill-all to an argument on pain. I win. Hands down. (and legs up. lol)
• Guys must rearrange their packages. It's in the "I'm a Man and Do Things For Stupid Reasons" handbook (now available free with the purchase of "The Complete Idiots Guide to Understanding a Complete Idiot"). They like to say it's because they're itchy. Or pinched. (??!!) But we know it's because they're worried it's gonna fall off and then they'll only be good to us for lifting heavy things! lol
• Men are easy to please. They want only a few things:
  
  • Sleep. Or else they're the grizzly who was woken in February.
  • Food. Or else they're the grizzly who was woken, HUNGRY, in February
  • TV/Computer/Sports/machines ... pick your poison. Your man has one.
  • Sex.
    'nuff said.

Women, though. Complex, complex creatures. However, I've made things a bit simpler.
I call it, "The Celestial Pursuit: a Guide to Understanding and Loving The Superior Sex"

• It is totally normal and acceptable to pack high-heels for our overnight camping trip, 2 sweaters in July, and an average of three outfits a day. This does not include shoes.
• Which brings me to my next point: shoes have categories. Comfy-ugly, comfy-cute, comfy-danceworthy, comfy-sexy. Hideous-practical, Hideous-stylish (they may be in style, but they're ugly). Stylish-clubbish, stylish-soccermom. And Sexy, which is a whole subcategory in and of itself!
• The junk men keep is just that: junk. Ugly college sweaters that are tattered and, were you to try to put it on, barely makes it to the top of the beer-belly. No, women don't keep junk. We keep treasures. They are NOT junk. Do NOT throw away the classic, oversized, ripped T that an ex-ex-ex-twice-removed gave to us when we were cold at the playground in grade 7 and then we kissed behind the portables. It is NOT the same as your nasty college shirt. And yes, it STILL smells like him.
  
  SOME day I will use that wooden baby-changetable in the basement. I may need to break it down and use it for firewood if I ever find myself homeless and need to cook my ichiban on a fire. Stop making fun of me, because you never know WHAT you're gonna need if you're homeless, and I may think that changetable is more important than other things, okay?
• You're right. You don't deserve us. Most important one to learn.
• If all else fails, chocolate. Let's remember this entry.

I actually *DID* a persuasive essay in grade 10 titled, "The Superior Sex". It was a good one. Went to the Surrey High School Speech Competition Finals. I don't remember totally what it consisted of, but it was good. :) Actually, tidbit about me.. I really enjoyed doing essays/speeches when I was younger. I'd like to say that public speaking is something I'm slightly above-average on. Not exceptional. Just good. As mentioned before, I think it is because I'm an attention hog.

A few things of enlightenment I'm sharing regarding the differences between men and women:

1. If Sin, Kare, Debbi and Ho Ho go out for lunch, they will call each other Sin, Kare, Debbi and Ho Ho. But if Vegan, Chris, Bob and John go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

2. When the bill arrives, Vegan, Chris, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale. This is what we call thrifty.
   

4. A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Admittedly, some women would not be able to identify a few, either.

5. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Who isn't gay.

6. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

7. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

8. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.
   

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.