When It Rains...

So, I found yesterday quite,...
entertaining. No. not entertaining. Enlightening. yah. Enlightening.

First, there was all the hullabaloo about the previous posts. I must admit, when I told the story about Beau, I was NOT expecting such a reaction to it! But, for those of you who are wondering, he turned himself in last night. He was arrested in Christina Lake (but booked or whatever in Grand Forks) after the Grand Forks cops had chased him earlier after him robbing another bank in Trail. He managed to 'get away' when they stopped the pursuit because school was out and they don't want to put the public in harm's way. He drove on until Christina Lake, pulled into someone's home, and called the police from there. But, lucky for us all, he's in custody, he's safe, he MAY get some serious help, and will be likely sent to the federal prison in BC. (Not that I know how the 'system' works anyways, but yah). As you can imagine, I was really relieved to hear this news.

(And in response to yesterday's vulgarity which I am NOT publicly known for, I want to clarify that it was ONLY meant for THAT anonymous poster, and no one else. So, hopefully, no one else took offence to it. (sure felt good, though! lol) Not a shining, Christ-like moment, I admit.)

Okay, the rest of my day.
My father came unexpectedly over to talk to me about things pertaining to finances and the divorce. I was a little confused as to why he would drive 2 hours each way just to discuss something that COULD be conversed on the phone, but I was 100% appreciative that he followed the Spirit and came to visit instead. I believe it would have been less of a productive talk over the phone than it was face to face. And he knew that something wasn't 'right' in how I was feeling based on my reaction to our phone call last week. So him following that prompting was touching to me.

We spoke of lots of things, and the truth came out. Most close friends and family already know and some of you may have assumed, but yes, Chris and I are considering trying to work it out and stay together. I haven't said much on the blog because I wasn't really sure of what to say or what direction we're headed in. And I know that there are people who will have very strong feelings against this possibility, and I wanted to feel strong enough in my belief that those opinions wouldn't hurt me. I am not blind to our past, or what needs to change in order to make it work for the rest of our lives. There has been, AND WILL BE, LOTS AND LOTS of talks about *everything*, and we are both changing and learning about ourselves in the process. But first things first-

The divorce paperwork, as far as I know, is still proceeding. If we end up divorced and realize we want to be together after all, we can get remarried to the NEW person we've each become. We can start on a clean slate, we can do it RIGHT from the start. We could have a honeymoon!! (lol) But if we decide NOT to stay together after all, we haven't lost any time in the process of figuring it out.

But, even before that step, I'm taking the time figuring out what *I* want. What I need and what I expect. What can I accept, what is a deal-breaker, and so many other things that making a list would constitute as somewhat tedious and extensive! I need to figure out ME. Who I am. What I want to be.
And that's going to take a while, still, as I learn about myself through every little thing I do and say and think and feel. So "me first".

After, or rather, during that, Chris is doing the same.

And then we come together with those thoughts. With the 'list' of things. And he and I decide if the other 'new' person is something we want. And then we decide. I am constantly evaluating my feelings, where they come from and what their motive is. I am listening for confirmation on things. I am feeling every feeling, the good and the bad.

Things are gonna be SOO good if we can work it out. And if the course of action has us going separate ways, things are still going to be SOO good. It's a win/win situation, considering that if we DON'T work it out, it's because we know who we are, finally, and we're being honest about that. And we'll know that we really gave it one last, good shot at making it work. (Either way, our children and our relationship with them will remain as intact and functional as it is today)

He still 'lives' apart from us, although he spends most of his time here. We're not having him move in until things are more certain in that way if we go that direction.

So now, everyone's caught up.

The rest of my day was also enlightening.
EF showed up a few minutes after my father left. Again, it's always a surprise when she and her daughter show up at my door, but it's usually a pleasant talk. She asked me how the divorce was going, and how Chris and I decided who got what, and all that. Then she burst into tears and told me between sobs that her and her man are not doing good. She told me she is unhappy and is considering divorce herself. He hasn't been able to fully move on, and quite frankly, I understand her pain AND his pain. It was hard to bite my tongue a few times as she told me how he has treated her lately and what he says and her reaction to it, but I knew she came to me because she told me I am the only one she knows who knows the situation, knows her, and can somewhat listen as a sounding board with first-hand knowledge of what her man is going through. (wow, if you haven't had better run-on sentence than THAT!) It honestly breaks my heart to see her in such remorse and pain. Her tears are so genuine and unfeigned. And, although you may feel quite strongly against her, I consider her to be much like Chris-- they are great people with poor choices in their past who are working at moving on in life the best way they know how. They're finding themselves. And in her sobs, as I held her with her tears falling on my shoulder, she asked me to pray for her. It touched my heart, and I see her so differently lately.

THAT BEING SAID, I talked to Chris about it later. I told him of my insecurities surrounding her, which, I'm sure you can all imagine I have every right to feel. And, at this point in where I'm at, I have come to a conclusion. It may change in the future as it has from the past. But today, I have discovered that I'm ONLY okay having only ONE of them in my life, in spite of previous thought. If Chris is here, EF and her children will not be (even if she's divorced or still with her man). It is hard, as I know EF needs a friend-- especially one who knows what she's feeling, but I will be her friend at the park during the day, and not in my home. Insecure? Yes. But for now, that's my self-preserving demand that I don't apologize for.

It was after dinner that Beau's family called me with the news of his arresting. I was soooooo relieved.

What a night! I slept like a baby within 5 minutes of my head hitting the pillow. And this morning I had great conversations with loved ones. Clarifying conversations that enrich my life and my relationships. And for those who were part of my day today, I thank you. And, maybe 10 minutes ago, I got a knock on my door. The flower lady stood there, holding these. To my friend (and 'FAN' :) ), I just want to say PUBLICLY how much that thought and the card attached cheered me! I may not be 100% sure who you are, but really, I just wanted to tell you that it was super sweet, the card was hilarious, and I appreciate it!