The Whole Truth and Nothing But

Yesterday I was SOOOO tired and emotionally drained that I didn't get to updating on the status of Beau and the rest of my day. (Wow. Typing his real name is weird for me... but at this point, I have no need to 'protect' him- since that link already told you his name.)

So. The whole story. Settle in- it's a doozy. I mean, I feel like part of some bad episode of Desperate Housewives! It almost doesn't seem real.

You already know he robbed the banks in Kelowna. When he left, he told me he had 'seen things he shouldn't have in Kelowna'. I asked him if he hurt anyone, but he said no. Which is true. He never has, and I highly doubt he ever will. As he got into his stolen car (don't even start me on this one-- ) my heart took a picture. I can still see him turn back to me with his smile and laugh in reply to my telling him not to keep running and him saying, "but, it wouldn't be my life otherwise, Debbi". Interestingly, I had a thought come to me loud and clear that THAT 'heart-photo' was the last time I'd see him.

When his mother told me about the warrant on Wednesday morning, it was a HUGE shock to me. I was surprised, and called her on the phone, where the two of us matched information and made sense of what we knew. We vowed to call each other if either of us knew anything further or if he contacted us. I contacted the authorities in Kelowna to advise them what I knew. And I told Chris- I had fear that he'd be angry with me for putting us in that situation. But Chris was supportive-- he knew I was just helping a friend and that NIETHER of us knew of the robberies. He had been around Beau enough to know that he wasn't a bad guy. Chris offered to come over to be with me, but I told him I was okay.

I had to get the kids from school and make lunch and get the kids down for naps.

Not more than 1/2 hour later, he updated his Facebook status. Which is confusing-- he NEVER updates his status, he's NEVER on Facebook. And the fact that he got to a computer was surprising. His status read: Beau is sorry it had to end this way.

In reading that, my heart sank to the floor.

I called his family in sobs, and advised them of the update. I was not okay- I was devasted. I have known Beau for 14 years. I have loved him for 13 of those. And we have more history than some married couples. And calling his family to tell them, with the silence on the other end of the line upon doing so-- I was breaking inside. My pain doesn't begin to cover theirs, but I could feel it even a province away.

We have frantically tried calling his cell, messaging him through facebook... ANYTHING.

Chris called a few times to check on me. It was super sweet of him, and I knew he was genuinely concerned. Ten minutes after telling Beau's parents about the status, the doorbell rang. I saw three plain-clothed police officers at the door, which I opened, tears streaming down my face. I invited them in before they even got a chance to introduce themselves, and told them I was expecting them. How sweet it was to find cookies on my doorstep, though. I have great friends, and wonderful visiting teachers who follow promptings to drop off cookies 'just because'.

They came and sat down, I offered them cookies, and we talked. I told them everything I knew. And they told me everything THEY found out about me!!! (Side note-- cops can find out a LOT about you in a very short time-- they sure knew lots about me. Kinda freeked me out- good thing I had nothing to hide!~)

Then I realized they weren't here to talk to me about Kelowna. In the course of the few hours he was gone for 'some air', Beau had allegedly robbed banks here in Calgary. Which is why he left so abruptly as well-- he knew he was putting us in danger and didn't want that. In spite of the drugs clouding his judgement, he still didn't want to harm anyone. All the little things he said to me when he left were making more and more sense, and breaking my heart the more I realized.

So, they asked me what he was wearing when he left. And I realized he was wearing my sweatpants. They then showed me pictures of him from the bank robberies here in Calgary, where he's WEARING MY PANTS!! yah. nice. I invited them to look in his bedroom (since I had yet to go down there to clean up since he left) where they found the pants. Sucky-- they took them. (I loved those sweatpants!!! LOL )

They also searched through my garbages while I wrote down my statement with very shaky hands and identified him on a few more photos of the robberies in Kelowna.

Two hours or so later, they left. They were kind, and I'm glad that I live something of a life where they don't suspect me of being a knowledgable part of 'aiding a fugitive'. To anonymous from the other day--- I don't blame you for saying I'd never run a dayhome again. If I had known what I know now, I would NEVER have had him stay here! I did everything in my power (including searching his bags) to ensure the safety of my home. And he was NOT around ANY of the dayhome children-- for 2 days he stayed in the basement and I brought food down to him. All I knew I was doing was helping a friend get over a very serious sickness. And you and I would probably do that again. I would have turned him in myself if I knew about any of that- so he knew not to put me in that position. I would have. And I will still. So you're right in how you feel-- I feel the exact same way.

I called Beau's family to advise them of the Calgary robberies, knowing they'd rather hear from me than the news again.

Everytime the phone rang, my stomach lept. I feared the phone call from his family, and when they actually called later that night, I was shaking as I answered the phone. His father was just checking in, and we talked about the day and what we knew again.

Dinner time, we sat down with the kids and had a big talk about drugs. We talked about how to say no, and how they hurt our bodies. It was a very productive talk-- the kids had first-hand knowledge about what it would do to their bodies since they had seen Beau's eyes and face and knew something wasn't 'the same'. Children are perceptive, and we wanted to ensure that any memory of Beau's actions and physical features were used for a teaching tool. And I am thankful for the lesson-- the kids were receptive and asked lots of good questions. Now we're going to continue this lesson in the music of "Safety Kids". (which can be purchased online, but thankfully my mother can lend it to us)

And that was it. But my crappy day continued, as I had to re-sign some of the divorce papers. Which just breaks my heart a little more. Right now divorcing Chris is not something I look forward to. I know there's stages, but right now, we're so happy to be together. Aware of the things that need to change and the things we did wrong. We're going on a date tonight- which I really need. Just to enjoy him and be away from everything. And go dancing-- and we know how much I love that. That there is my therapy!

I slept in Chris' arms that night. Cried myself to sleep while he held me and told me it'd be okay. ANd about every hour, the doorbell would ring. Or there would be a knock at the door. I would sit STRAIGHT UP to listen for the next knock. And Chris would tell me I dreamed it and to go back to sleep, rubbing my back or moving the hair from my face. It was the hardest thing- always thinking that Beau was knocking at my door, needing me to let him in only to find he wasn't there. I would cry again, and fall asleep until the next time I SWORE someone was at the door. And that cycle of my night continued until morning.

There was no news yesterday. We're (Beau's family and I) all worried about him-- hoping to hear ANYTHING. No news, in this case, is bad news. I think the not-knowing is harder than the possible outcomes of the cops catching him or, in the worst case, finding his body. I would rather just know.

I took off, out of the house yesterday morning, just to stay awake and to avoid being called. The police called, and asked if I would identify more photos. I'm hoping that the photos are recent-- that maybe he robbed a bank in Saskachewan or something-- which would tell us at least he's alive. I know that's a horrible thing to hope-- but it's better news than the alternative.

And amazingly, the missionaries showed up yesterday. For no reason they could itterate, but just because they 'felt like it'. I was reminded of the last time I had a reallllllly crappy day. Inspired, I believe. They sat and talked with me for a while, and they're coming back today to do more shirt-burning. That's always fun. Marshmallows.. mmmmm.

I also had a few relatives and friends and family members express their love for me. Which is uplifting to my heart. Some called because they knew of this situation, and some called because "I was on their mind". Again, I am thankful for people listening to the still, small voice and contacting me.

And the police officer just called again- he's on his way over. So I should put on a bra and maybe run a brush through my hair!

But there's the latest. And why I didn't post yesterday.