Equilibrium

I know it's a Wednesday Ws day, but I don't feel like it.

It was a rough day for me yesterday, but a very good one too.

I only broke down and cried once--but that was out of frustration and humiliation. (and no, not about the blog comments lately-- I'm really fine about people's opinions) But I also had a few conversations with friends from various points in my life and family members that were positive and progressive. The ying-yang of yesterday was in complete harmony.

The house-company I was taking care of left yesterday evening. This is my non-ex Ex. He left rather abruptly, which confused both Chris and I. But, this morning I got some VERY upsetting news about him which made it all make sense. I think that perhaps the few days spent here were more for OUR benefit than for his. It opened our eyes to the blessings we have. As Chris said, "I always want more- but after seeing someone with NOTHING, I sure appreciate the things I have". And now, with the light of recent events in our eyes, things are so much more potent and poignant.

There's always someone out there who has it rougher than ourselves. I've never walked in those shoes, and never will, but standing beside someone who IS is also a good teaching tool. Sympathy versus empathy. Personally, I find empathy more comforting (when you're on the receiving end) and more constructive when you're on the giving end. Sympathy is good, empathy is paramount. (SOOOO beside the point-- sorry- tangent desisted)

But to see such physical sickness and pain.. it broke my heart. It's hard to watch someone you care about in such misery. Emotional health aside-- we won't even BEGIN to talk about that one. But I am relieved- taking care of sick people is tough- taking care of sick people unexpectedly is tough too- but taking care of sick people who CHOSE to be sick= that's the hardest of it all. I understood why his parents reacted the way they did when I called them to tell them where he was. His mother called me this morning, and as a mother to a mother, I cried with her. I can't imagine her pain, but I could feel how her love for him was unchanging. He comes from a loving family, he's absolutely intelligent, and he's sensitive beyond any man I've ever met. He is a good guy, and wouldn't hurt a fly. If you find him, turn him in. We all want the same outcome-- a place where he'll be safe and clean and out of further trouble. So I hope he's caught soon.

It's funny. Yes, when you love someone, you tend to do things you said you never would do. You forgive easier than you anticipated, but you hurt more than you ever imagined, too. The first stage, you usually allow the same hurt- not out of naivety, but out of a desire to be kinda wrong. And, after enough repeated pain, I think it's human nature in all of us to block that pain from entering in any manner we link to the buildup of such betrayal. We tend to build walls and defences.

I find myself building walls with Chris in some aspects, and yet, in others I'm still at the 'allow the same hurt' part. No, not in the superficial ways that most of us think of first, but more in the ways I think and feel-- the deeeeeep language only spirits speak. I know this 're-evaulation' in my life has much to do with Chris and our relationship- however that ends up looking like. And relationships change and evolve. I take into consideration EVERY comment from family, friends, and yes, anonymous blog-comment-makers about what "boundaries" and precepts I want and should integrate into our relationship. What I want versus what is right- and if they're not the same thing- why aren't they?!