Farewell, My friends

I have started and restarted this post a bagillion times. And I've thought about what I would say and how I'd make this work.

Over a year ago, I started this blog. I was going through an excruciating time in life, trying to figure out where Chris' and my relationship was heading. I was sad. I was drained. I was searching. I was conflicted. And I knew that, in some way or another, the year held many more changes..

I have always loved writing. I love getting my thoughts on paper, and as a mom, finding time to type was easier than sitting down with my paper journal. I didn't think many people would read this blog, as I only told family and my closest friends about the URL (blog address).

Before I knew it, I had people searching for me online. People from all over the world who would comment and follow along in my life. Somehow I brought some people hope. Somehow I brought some people laughter. And somehow I brought people insight.

But I wrote for me. I wrote my story according to what I wanted the world to know. The truth, perhaps only shared in pieces. My cathartic confessional.

I go back to my "FOCUS" for the year. MAKE THE CHANGE. Change is good. I was talking with Em today about being unhappy, and how there are so many things that we all do in life that KEEP us unhappy. Things that we can change if we just get up and do it. Things that maybe we're afraid of, but we KNOW we need to do. Things that may continue to hold us down because that's the only place we choose to be. Being held back because of our laziness. Or our fear. Or our anger towards someone else.

I am making the change. I am grabbing the sharper knife.

452 published posts later, I have now got over 150+ readers DAILY. I have some who visit daily, some who visit weekly, and even some who stalk
visit multiple times a day.

I am not a secretive person. I have no enemies of my choosing, and I have no animosity towards anyone. However, my blog is not 'mine' anymore. I have to watch what I write because of people I know who read. There are exes. There is EF. And I don't want to have to do that in my blog. The angst that this blog started with is no longer in my heart.

The blog now isn't only mine...I am not single. I have Will. We are a package now. And, I have perfect peace in life now. I have a beautiful family. And I have hope like no other! I have never known a love so amazing, and, if I could share even just a morsel with everyone, I would. Divorce is a horrible, hurtful, hard road. I have been so blessed in spite of some of my choices. I do NOT wish an affair, or a divorce on ANYONE. But, if you are one of those fateful unlucky, my empathy and heart and prayers go out to you. Keep doing what makes you YOU, and, I hope, you'll find someone who makes you HAPPY in the near future, as I have been so lucky to find myself.

I was seriously contemplating making this blog private, and just continuing the story from here. But I think that it's better to put ALL my heartache from the past behind me and to leave on a good note. Secondly, I want people to continue to stumble on this blog as some have done, and, hopefully somehow, they'll find a post that may help THEM through a divorce/separation/first-time dating.

So, friends, I am closing this blog. This is my last entry as Debbi from Daisyhalos.

I am, however, opening a new one. A blog with the pitfalls and happinesses of raising 4 bonus-children alongside my own. A blog of a second, BETTER, marriage. A blog where I don't feel like I have to hide certain information from strangers, people from my past, and the general public.

My "followers" will be allowed on the new blog with their email addresses, and family members too. So, friends who I don't have as listed followers (and I know there are quite a few), send me an email to debbirn2b@hotmail DOT com, and I'll put you as an allowed reader. *EDIT* I can't get my follower's emails, blogger's being silly. So, sorry guys, but just send me an email saying "hey" and I'll make sure to get you on the safe list.

Until I meet you on the other blog, friends, I bid Adieu.
In honour of my last Daisyhalos Six Word "Wednesday", I write:


And They Lived Happily Ever After.



***FINAL EDIT*** after a bunch of contemplation, I realized that being a private blog annoys the heck out of me. Besides, I'm really not that interesting! ;) So, the new blog can be found at www.ninepeasinthepod.blogspot.com See you there! :)

Not Me Monday- Moving

I am NOT still sick. I did NOT, however, take some serious drugs this weekend to get back to my normal amazingly awesome self.

Life is NOT starting to feel back to normal again. I do NOT need a buttload smidgen of routine in order for me to NOT function, and now that the wedding is NOT over and I am NOT settling in to this small-town life, I can NOT finally get it together.

This week, my kids do NOT have 2 days off! I know, school only started 2 weeks ago, and already they have TWO days off... I do NOT remember when I went to school, and did walk up hill both ways, carrying my shoes in my hands with plastic bags on my feet, in the snow, for 50 miles. And, NO, I did NOT have days off every two weeks.

We did NOT have last-minute dinner guests yesterday, and NOPE, I did NOT feed them whilst sitting on rubbermaid buckets around the table. Both of our children did NOT eat in the living room, on the (blue carpeted) floor. That would be just rude, and I would NEVER do that to dinner guests. This was NOT bad enough, but to top it off, I did NOT inwardly freak out, considering it was Will's Ex's extended family, and I did NOT worry about making a good impression. I am NOT pleased to say that they were very nice and friendly, in spite of my dirty house. And, in case you're wondering, I did NOT overcook the asparagus to a nasty utterly delicious green goop. I do NOT hate the craptastic flat-top stove and oven here at the house, and my prissy city-girl inner cook does NOT miss her gas stove from the Calgary house.

I am NOT thankful that my parents brought the kitchen chairs from that house later last night- too late for the dinner guests, but great just the same. I am NOT also excited about bringing ALL of my stuff later this week. I am NOT demanding hosting a cleaning party at my house, for those interested! :) BYOC, BYOTC, BYOLW. -- bring your own chairs. And toilet cleaner. And lysol wipes.

I did NOT buy Hallowe'en candy already. Nope, NOT ME! I do NOT have a weakness for the peanut-butter ones. It is NOT Chocolate Wednesday, and I am so NOT cheating! I have also NOT eaten the box all. by. myself.

This does NOT remind me that X-Weighted is starting up that "where are they now" website. It is NOT a bad idea for me to be eating all that chocolate just before they launch. And, apparently, my episode is NOT airing all week, too.

BUT, on the other side of the fat scale, I did NOT wear "the skirt" to church yesterday. This skirt is one that my mother did NOT wear when she was young-- (bought in 1975), and it is NOT the skinniest article of clothing I have. I did NOT wear it when I was a teen, and it was NOT my goal skirt to fit into when the TV show ended. I did NOT force my fat thighs into that skirt yesterday. I did NOT do a little dance of joy that I got the zipper up. And then, when the day was over, I did NOT do ANOTHER (completely ridiculous) dance to try to get it off. NOPE, NOT ME. I would NEVER nearly pull off my left buttcheek in order to get the thing off! I am NOT >this< close to marathon training again going for a few runs with Will to get back into shape.

Doesn't everyone get a blender when they get married?!

It's tricky being a blended family.

It's tricky enough getting married when you're older, because you are already SET in routines and desires and traditions. But, add in some children, a few exes, their families and you have the makings of a new soup for everyone!

Recently, Will and I discussed Christmas traditions. Turns out that MOST of our traditions can be done on BOTH sides. But there's a few 'conflicting' ones, where we'll have to pick to give ours up, keep it, or just make a whole NEW one. For Will and I, traditions can be changed. But when we add children, it's a bit tougher. What's most important to them, and what can change? Santa Claus does different things at different households.. so, what does he do HERE?

We are also figuring out weekends. When does Will's ex have the older kids, when do we? Seeing as how Em lives with us but the others don't, there's more travelling now. Having one ex requires work for scheduling and holidays, but we also have MY ex, Chris. So double the work. When does he have the younger ones? And, if he moves, what happens then? And the travelling ... oh the travelling.

Will's kids eat differently than mine do. Not a LOT differently, but snacks and grazing foods for sure. So, grocery shopping changes. Menu planning revolves slightly around which children are home and when. Dislikes and favourites and habits.

What rules did I have in my home that Will doesn't share?
Given, a lot of these things you find out through dating-- and a lot of them, we did! But, because we didn't LIVE together beforehand, there are some things that you can't know until then.

It's tricky, too, as Will's kids are older than mine so rules are different for some than others. Thankfully Grace and LL are only a year apart, so it bridges the "olders" from the "youngers" much better.

Decorating a home. Planning family vacations. Routines for homework. Songs at family prayer-- there are many things we're learning from each other, and many more to come, I know it.

I look forward to each morning that Will and I grow our OWN family tree. Our OWN fruits, our own traditions.

Although we're two separate families becoming one,.. we are definitely nine great peas in this pod!

(We shelled peas for Gramma, and Will found this one! How appropriate, hey?)

In Point Form

• http://vimeo.com/1531870

I love this video! I loved it when I first saw it, and ended up playing it so often that now my kids sing along. Yes. My kids sing along to Queen. lol

• With my brother's wedding taking up the better part of this weekend, I'm down to some final time in order to get OUR wedding ready. You should see my planner-- CRAZY notes on notes on lists of lists. Seriously. It's getting to the point that I don't know what list to start with-- here I think I'm all smart and organized, but there's so much to do that my organized lists are overflowing! AHHH.

I never 'planned' my wedding to Chris, since we only had an 8 day engagement. So this is new to me.

• Having step-children, especially one who lives with me full-time, is a big adjustment. I am learning that, although Will's kids are seriously fantastic... and he's a super father to them AND my kids, we don't always agree on parenting styles. We agree ENOUGH. But there's going to be growing pains and a LOT of lessons learned--- and I'm mostly talking about just ME! I know I have lots to learn

There's power struggles with LL, who is used to being the oldest and now she has 'competition'.

• I'm so excited about the wedding. But, moreso, I'm excited about having Will live with me. Although right now I see him A LOT more than I did when I lived in Calgary, it still sucks when he tucks me in to bed each night and walks out the front door. I look sooooo forward to sleeping with him beside me-- a warm body to keep the sheets from freezing, a rhythmic breath to lullaby me to sleep, a shoulder to 'pillow' me and a kiss first thing in the morning. I look forward to 'life' starting to settle a bit, where I can cook dinner for him, where I get to spend every other weekend dating him. I look forward to the MARRIAGE.

I am watching my two siblings get married within a week of each other, and, naturally, it's their first marriages. But having been married before, both Will and I come into this a bit tentitavly and jaded. We know marriage can be SUPER and fantastic, but we also KNOW it is harder than anything else. My siblings may HEAR and understand that sentence, but they don't KNOW it. Kinda like when you are pregnant-- you read and prepare as much as you can for that baby, but until it ACTUALLY comes, you realize there was NOTHING that could prepare you for the REAL parts. Like that wedding day euphoria...where you believe life only gets better from here with cake and flower petals all the way...I kinda wish i could go back to those days, but I'm grateful for a better idea this time around. And for a better partner for the trip.

I may be a realist. I may be jaded. But seriously, you guys... I am so in love with this man.

Now I'm off to get marriage licences and stuff put together. We have a bit of an issue because of the stupidity of Will's ex, Sarah, so we are in the middle of fixing that today. Good times.

I Need A Nap

I am exhausted.

I'm tired from cleaning. Tired from having my sleep schedule off-kilter. Tired of no routine-- I thrive best on stability and routine and consistency. I'm tired of hoping for a showing to produce something good. Tired of reminding myself not to hope. Tired of having that last 10-minute freak-out of trying to clean while the kids are making an equal amount of work in another area of the house. Tired of being STUCK at home because of car seats.

I'm tired of weeds in the garden. (okay, not really a valid complaint, but while I'm on a roll)

I'm tired of answering the same question with more questions-- "where are you moving to"? I don't know. "When?" I don't know. "Do you have a house already?" I don't know.. (okay, NO, not really, but kinda sorta..hard to explain) "What are you going to do when you move for work, another dayhome?" I don't know.

Tired of Exes. Tired of shaking my head at exes who read the blog EVERY DAY. Tired of money-talks with Chris. Tired from our mediation this morning where I just want to spout obscenities at him and become one of those types of exes, but instead I wear myself out just biting my tongue. Tired of feeling like I have to fix every problem that HE inflicts on my life. Tired of being told that things aren't fair. Tired of not knowing what the next months and years hold in regards to Chris. Tired of hearing about him going back to school. About his lack of employment. About his stress levels....
join the club, bucko.

I'm tired of kids. Some kids are here for almost 12 hours. Some are a LOT of work. Most are good, but the dynamics of 11 kids is tiring. I'm tired of my OWN kids. I am ready for a weekend off (after two weekends WITH the kids to even out the month later). I'm tired of stopping arguments and listening to whining. I'm tired of their disrespect and back-talking recently. I'm tired of being 100% solely responsible for their spirituality. It's exhausting, albeit awesome, to think about activities and scripture stories and such EACH WEEK for FHE and each NIGHT, even when Sin and her family help. In truth, I'm tired of not seeing my friends much lately, either.

I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster on dating after divorce. The fears. The insecurities. The excitement. I'm tired of a long-distance relationship with Will. I'm tired of being without him.

I'm ready for a nap. I can't wait for things, which seem all up in the air right now, to finally come together in the next little while.

And, there's a LOT of good things in my life right now. LOTS. So, this is just a post to say...
I'm tired.

Not Me Monday- Catch Up

So, I am NOT playing catch-up on all your blogs this week. Last week, I swear, I was a hermit. Totally secluded in my basement, or surrounded by paint cans, I felt sooo out of the loop regarding facebook and blogging and *gasp* even talking on the phone with my sistas, whom I usually talk to fairly often. I am NOT looking forward to a 'regular' week.

I am NOT happy the painting is done and looking FANTASTIC. It was NOT cute to watch Will in his element, and I did NOT learn anything about how to paint properly. Last time my house was painted, the people who 'helped' paint also did NOT manage to paint the carpet!!! I was super happy about that. So, when Will's employee spilled a tray of paint on my carpet again this past week, it was NOT nice that I knew Will could get it out no problem. Which he did. Which is NOT awesome. It was also NOT cute when Will taught Bear to paint too!
The kids' school did NOT have a stampede breakfast on Friday morning, where Will joined me and the kids (and his sister and her kids, since they also attend that school) and we did NOT enjoy a short break from the WORK back at my house. Will did NOT attract all the cute girls! ;)I did NOT have a good time spending Saturday morning with some of my favourite girlfriends at a baby shower. I also did NOT enjoy walking through the mall after with Sin. We also did NOT enjoy the fact that we are the same size and weight, so only ONE of us has to go into the change room! Everyone needs a friend like that. It does NOT double my closet/shoe accessibility.

I then did NOT drive out to be with Will and his children. I did NOT have a great 24 hours with them. I did NOT play cards with the kids while Will taught one to drive, and did NOT have a nice talk with his mother. We did NOT all cuddle and watch a movie, and I did NOT fall asleep in Will's arms. I did NOT enjoy singing with his father, too, and did NOT enjoy watching some old home-movies of the kids when they were babies. They were NOT cute! It was NOT hard to watch Will's taping of his ex-wife, seeing through the camera how much he loved her and not feeling the pain of that myself. Not because I was threatened, but because I did NOT feel sorry that their marriage didn't work, although it worked out in my favour in the end-- divorce sucks, no matter what. It may not make sense to others, but it was sad. Even though it's good for me! In spite of that sadness, I am NOT thankful for the rain in our lives that has made us who we are.
Yesterday was NOT Father's Day, and I loved being with such a great father. Will's children are a complete joy, and as their Dad, he has done something right. It makes me happy to have him around my kids, knowing that his influence will only be a positive one. I am NOT truly blessed to be surrounded by many great Fathers.

Six Word Saturday-Whoa

What else could possibly happen next?!



Remember yesterday's post? Remember how it was Divorce Day for Will? Remember how, in the comment section, Sarah was sure there'd be no problems? Remember how everyone said they'd be celebrating in their own ways?

Yah.
Divorce didn't go through.

Why am I not surprised.


Another 90 days (september 11th). That is, if Sarah does the filing in Washington. I'm looking into how to help Will file here in Canada, maybe it'll work out better. There's ways.

Finding the silver lining. WHY is every decision being made FOR me lately!? grrr. Needless to say, the celebrations and "un-gramma-fying" me are on hold.

What a week! I'm soooo ready and deserving to sit here with Will and our seven kids, and enjoy my Saturday. Oh, wait. I'm moving. So we're not gonna 'sit'. We're going to paint and clean. Nothing like that kind of fun on your weekend, hey!? ;)

Join Cate (and her button above) while she punches a few people in the face, and start your own Six Word Saturday. You'll like it!

Sincerely yours,
GRAMMA! >:(




PS: just kidding.

I wrote the above portion of this post yesterday afternoon.

Then Sarah posted an entry on her blog, saying she was finally divorced.
So, she's either lying on the blog to the entire world, or lying to Will. Either way, she's lying. This is on top of the fraudulent charges to Will's credit card in the past month or two, which we're pressing charges about. Sarah, I don't deal with that kind of (im)maturity. Go away.

Will is officially divorced. Sarah, for some unknown reason, decided to play some stupid game and texted Will saying that the divorce didn't go through, which is when I wrote the part above. Will was, understandably, upset. So I called Sarah, to find out what happened. She didn't answer, so I left a message. Instead, she texted Will back to say that she got the message but wasn't 'in the mood to talk right now'. Understandably to me, and according to what she wrote in my comments yesterday, she was probably upset too.

When I called my lawyer to see if the divorce in Canada would be faster, he said that there was something 'fishy' about her reasons she gave. (Will being Canadian, and her being from the USA-- yah, cuz that's something the judge has NEVER seen happen before???) You see, my lawyer knows USA law, because he got his education from a USA school. Told me to call the courthouse personally.

I call the courthouse, and jump through the phone-hoops to get to the clerk. When I give her the case number and Sarah's name, she confirmed I had the right information and asked what I wanted.

We're just trying to figure out why the case wasn't upheld. Unfortunately, I can't get a hold of Sarah to get answers directly from her. She says she's too upset to talk right now. Why didn't it go through?

Why didn't the divorce go through? Um, Let me go talk to the clerk who was in the courtroom for that case.
*****pause, on hold****
The case was approved. The divorce is final.

HUH!? He's divorced?

Yes. I don't know why she said that, but the case is done.

Are you sure? it's final final?? Like, is there a waiting period? In Canada, there's still a 31 day holding period after the judge signs.

Nope. They're done. It's over. In a few days he can go online and get the documents himself.

For sure? They're divorced?!?!

*laughs* yes. DONE. He can go online in a few days and he'll see his copy of the papers. Normally she would be in charge of sending those papers to him herself, but I take it because of what she told you, she probably won't do that.

No, I'd think not.

Is this normal behaviour for her?

Uh... well... trying to be nice here, but they ARE getting divorced for a reason.

HAHA, yah, I guess so! Oh, well, congratulations. If you have further questions, just call again.

THANK YOU!!!



????? Is it just me, or does this confuse people? Sarah, if you wonder why you're 29 years old and divorced now for the FOURTH time?!?!? yah. See above.




.

Free Willy

WILL IS DIVORCED!!!!

As of 1:30 p.m. today, the judge should be signing the papers and it's finished.


I'm not quite sure how that works, seeing as the USA does it different than Canada.

Washington (where the divorce is getting granted) state has a no-fault clause, so the divorce is a simple "apply, wait 90 days, be done" kinda thing... At least, that's what we gathered from reading the forms and websites the other day. He doesn't have to go to the courthouse, so, this is all assuming that his ex (who filed the papers) didn't accidentally miss something in the forms (not likely, she's also done this before) and that she shows up at the judgement. Again, not sure what happens if she doesn't... but whatever. We'll worry about that if we come to it (cuz I think having more to worry about will be FUN!).

But, as far as we know,
Today is the day. He and his kids might be heading here tonight for a celebration of sorts. ;) Or, you know, a cuddle and a movie on my couch. Potatoe potahtoe. I'll be sure to try to post a few pictures.

And you know that 'gramma' thing? Yah. That was only to be good while he was married! He'd better take the evening off... if you knowwhatImean! ;)

Ex-tra Tough.

Chris's Ex:

• sometimes has a hard time defining for herself what her role is in his new life. Friend? Confidante? Sounding board? This is only efficient when the issue of conversation doesn't revolve around how much he hates having an ex. Or being divorced. Because, when that type of stuff emerges from his mouth, oddly enough, his Ex doesn't really want to hear it. And seldom cares.
• Doesn't miss him. Doesn't want him back. Worries that maybe she should have shed a tear or two this weekend when she knew her divorce was 100% finished, but honestly doesn't feel even the slightest bit remorseful or lugubrious.
  
• Is thankful for that.
  
• has a few scars still needing to heal from completely, mostly centred around trust and fidelity and body-image. A bit of 'baggage' she's still sorting through and getting ready to 'check' at the nearest baggage-claim. However, she's doing a pretty good job, if she says so herself. And is thankful for a boyfriend who understands.
• found it interesting that Chris felt threatened by her new boyfriend's interactions with their daughter. Not because he's worried about Will or who he is, but because he's worried that his bond with LL will be severed if LL's bond with Will increases. He feels like he's losing his 'job' as Dad. His Ex tried to remind him that the goal is (and always has been) to remember that they're not 'breaking up LL's family', they're just adding more people to it. That more people who love her is only a good thing for everyone. Chris knows this, but his insecurities got the better of him.
• found it more interesting that his next comment centred around her possibly moving away. And that she would never understand how that thought could and currently DOES hurt him. She reminded him that she DOES try to understand, (with her boyfriend's help,) and she's working on easing that pain in him with further sympathies. And had to state the obvious-- that he knew she wouldn't stay in this house forever. And would/could move away for school.
  
• then had to tell Chris that he's confiding in the wrong person. And felt mean for saying it, but reminded him that that's the nature of the divorce. Sometimes it sucks. And he was lucky he and she had such a great relationship, because he knows darn well that his Ex could be a bag about everything and he'd see his kids MUCH less than he does. But asked him to talk to his current girlfriend about such insecurities, because his Ex really can't help him fix his issues in any way. And, in this instance, doesn't really want to.
• is a lot mad that he lost her garage door opener somewhere on the road when he came to the house this weekend (while she was with her boyfriend) to pick up his motorcycle. He put the garage door opener in his backpack, and lost it. His Ex feels a bit insecure in her own home now-- and knows it's not likely that her safety is at risk, but still doesn't appreciate the feeling that it COULD be. When she complained to him about that feeling (in her slightly angry tone) he told her to call a repair guy and get quotes and find out how much it will cost to change the code and get another opener and set up the appointment and he'll pay the bill. She is more annoyed that she has to do the 'hard' work with all the phoning. :(

Will's Girlfriend:

• is learning that dating someone with an Ex is tough. It's not like before, when her previous boyfriends had Exes that didn't 'stick around' once they started dating. No, these post-marital Exes have a need (and a right) to be around all. the. time. Being an Ex herself, she also remembers that there are children involved who need stability and both parents. She only has a hard time with TWO Exes. Sometimes she has moments of anger or bitterness, moreso with regards to the Exes of Will's than her OWN Ex who hurt her so badly! Dating someone with prominent Exes isn't easy. Even though she encourages him to embrace his feelings for them, still sometimes feels like she's trying to fill shoes she can't quite officiate.
• doesn't like feeling inadequate.
• was probably asked 10 times in the past week if she would or was planning to move to his hometown. And had a realtor try to 'sell her' a home when she was there this weekend. She did entertain the thought, seeing as how much she hates not being near Will. Isn't opposed to the idea, and in fact believes that someday she WILL end up further south, but she knows the timing isn't right just yet. And yesterday she looked at houses on MLS in his area... but she's not so sure that small-town living is what she wants. Beside that, she's DEFINITELY not sure that small-MORMON-town living is what she can HANDLE! Trust her, there's a whole other subculture in that town with it's own set of 'rules' and expectations. It's a bit nuts!
• kinda hopes that Will will move to HER city someday, but also DOESN'T want that because he's got a good job and clientele where he is currently living and would feel kinda bad for making him uproot all his security there just to be near her. And would worry that, if he were around more, he'd see more of her pathetic life and run in the opposite direction as fast as his hot legs could take him! ;)
• (speaking of running) LOVE LOVE LOVED going for a 5 mile run with him the other day in and around his town. Loved that he didn't get annoyed with her being so slow. Loved the thought of doing that each night together if they lived in the same area.
• Did NOT love when he ran behind her just so he could watch her butt. Ew.
  
• DID love that he loved watching her butt.

(You know he truly loves her butt when he thinks THIS would make a good picture! lol)

• Totally loved when he couldn't catch up to her at the end 'sprint' around the temple.
  
• Is thankful for her mother's Cross Country training! ;)
• Still thinks he's pretty awesome.

Six Word Saturday, and, By The Way, Time Flies When You Really Could Care Less About What Day It Is!

Six Word Saturday:

I Trip Up Stairs Too Often!


And, for those paying close attention:

The Court renders a Judgement of Divorce between (Chris and I)...to be effective on the 31st day after the day that this Judgement is rendered, unless this Judgement is appealed before that 31st day.

The spouses are not free to remarry until this Judgement takes effect, at which time either spouse may obtain a certificate of divorce from this court.

THAT, my friends, would be today. It is officially over.

Not Me Monday.

It's NOT that time again-- hosted by MckMamma, here's another week's version of NOT ME MONDAY.

So, I was NOT making breakfast for Mimi this morning, when I did NOT see two bags of macadamia nuts on the pantry shelf. I totally am NOT craving White Chocolate Macadamia Nut cookies now! Unfortunately, I do NOT have to go to the grocery store this morning if I'd like to make those, seeing as the stash of white chocolate chunks in my Pantry is so NOT plentiful. As IF I keep that type of stuff in my cupboard! I'm always NOT worried that Paul will all of a sudden show up and raid my food cupboards again, like on the X-weighted TV show! ;)

I am NOT happy about finally attending my own ward yesterday. Seems like, well, a month of Sundays since I had been there, what with holidays, conference, and travelling to temple-city to visit Will.

Will is NOT teaching me soooo much about myself. I do NOT feel a different sense of respect from him than I've felt from any man before. I do NOT enjoy spending HOURS discussing our fears and our futures, reading journal excerpts and do NOT enjoy the growth of our relationship while watching him 'semi' parent my kids, and him watching me. It is NOT odd for me to remember that we're both "dating" each other's children too, and that's just the way it is with single parents. I did NOT get a long email from his ex, after the post that was SOOOO not intended to start as much drama as it did!! It was NOT a nice letter, to which I was grateful for.

I was NOT slightly annoyed with Chris again this weekend. Not because of something he technically 'DID', but.... well. Friday night he did NOT want to come see the kids after work. I do not have a problem with that, and know that my kids do NOT need that time with their father. I did NOT plan my 'movie-date night' with the monkeys like we have done often. I did NOT expect Chris to have better things to do after dinner (although, I did NOT forget that his girlfriend was out of town, so technically, he DIDN'T have anything else to...ahem... do). I was NOT a bit put-out when he did NOT decide to stay through the movie with us. It did NOT make me feel kinda intruded upon seeing as it was MY evening with the kids and my 'thing' with them, but I did NOT keep my mouth shut about it. In those type of moments, I do NOT appreciate that, as another single dad, Will can explain Chris' side a bit, and do NOT understand that my comfort is not more important than my children's need to be near their father as much as possible. And, yes, even Chris' need to be near his children.

I am NOT annoyed with the rabbits in my area who keep eating all my flowers! I did NOT plant over 150 bulbs last fall, and am sure that 140 have been dug up and eaten already. grrr. I am NOT considering killing the mo fos with some serious poison or pellet gun some drastic action against said hoppers. I'm not a fan of bunnies/rabbits/hares to begin with, seeing as I have a permanent scar on my arm from a rabbit bite. It's NOT a big scar that people are always shocked about when I say a bunny did it. I may or may NOT have deserved the bite, as I was 8 years old and did NOT scold the bunny immediately after he was NOT done mating. Word to the wise, post-coital rabbits do NOT need a bit of down time before you get them all angry at you.

I do NOT have a nice quiet week. It is NOT cold and snowing yet again, and I am NOT looking forward to MAY!!!! YAY.

I am NOT going to go make those cookies now. tee hee. I do NOT want to discuss what the scale is saying lately. :)

Where There's a Will

Okay,
It's Thursday. I am sunburnt. yep. TOTALLY sunburnt from Monday afternoon, when I went outside with the kidlets and wrote in my paper journal on the deck. I was out for about an hour, but came in, SUNBURNT!!! Wow.

Then. Today I was up and got to shovel my driveway. Sunburnt. Shovelling snow.

Welcome to Calgary.
Then, the bus didn't come. So, seeing as how there were too many kids for me to safely transport the school-aged ones to school by myself, they have a snow-day. AND, they have the day off tomorrow for parent-teacher interviews, so it's kinda a REALLY long weekend.

On other, non-related news, I am so unbloggified lately as if you didn't notice. Slacker over here is having a hard time finding fodder to share. Not that I don't have THINGS worth blogging about, but it's nothing anyone else really finds that entertaining. That, and I found out recently that Will's exwife-to-be also reads my blog. Um, wierd, but whatever. Apparently she tried to use it as ammunition to hurt him, which only works if she actually thinks that what I write in the blog is the whole story. She's not very friendly to me, but whatever. I wrote her another post the other day-- one similar to the one I wrote for EF, but it was TOTALLY full of 'blue air", and have decided just to keep it in my back pocket for another day. Stay tuned for it, I may just air it eventually. :P Nonetheless, everyone say Hi to Sarah.

But, I will share a few pics he so awesomely sent me to share with "my peeps" here on the blog. From the past weekend. (no, no swimming pool shots-- THANKGOODNESS!!) (My personal fave-- awww)

And, we're taking polls for what Will's last name should be! He and I sat around laughing this morning at funny last names.
Our favourite was "Spank". HAH!

So, seeing as we missed Word Verification Wednesday yesterday because of my Idon'tfeellikebloggingaboutthegaymissionaryinourward attitude (NOT joking about that last part!), let's play What's Will's Last Name?

Six Word Saturday

(For more Six Word Saturday, visit Cate at Show My Face and join in the fun!)

To Quote Scripture, "It Is Finished."




Yes, I'm using the Easter theme here, to let you all know that yesterday, my mailbox held the letter from the judge's office. Chris and I are officially divorced. (Barring the 31 days for Chris to contest the judgment) *and I bolded it, just in case you weren't paying attention!

I must admit, I feel good. I don't really feel sad. I mean, what's to be sad about when another chapter begins? I sometimes have to repeat in my head, "I'm divorced!" or "I'm single" or something like that... it's like it doesn't seem completely real! Not in a bad/shock way, but in a ..."wow, that day came!" way. Maybe that doesn't make sense to anyone but me, and those who have been there, but whatever. I think it hasn't fully 'hit me' yet. But for now, I am happy.

Interestingly enough, I also finished my current paper journal today. Ending a journal that is chalk-full of heartache and affair after-math on the day I get divorced from Chris seems fittingly perfect. Putting an end to all of that, and leaving every peice of that part of my life between the bindings of that book could not be more appropriately timed.

Funny still, I got the letter on my way to my (now ex) in-law's house in BC. Chris and I drove the kids out to his parents' place to spend the holiday weekend together. Divorced. lol. I know we confuse people. In the car on the way here, we talked a lot about our own marriage, what went wrong, and what we've learned. It was a great talk, as we were able to indicate the changes we're making in our current relationships to avoid similar pitfalls later on. I am lucky to have all the 'good' parts of Chris still at my disposal, (the good father, someone who cares for me, good communication,) all the while, leaving the rest behind me.

He did mention that our new relationship with each other is like having a Gayfriend. You know, that friend with whom you can discuss anything with and they'll tell you how wrong you are or when you're being a b!tch, and they can get away with it because you trust their judgment and you know they are only doing it to show they love you? And the friend of the opposite sex with whom there is NO physical relationship with? That friend. Yah, the gayfriend. So, in spite of it being a HORRIBLE thought, Chris is like my Gayfriend. LOL. Now, THAT would make good TV drama, X-Weighted people! :) And, sadly, it wouldn't be the first Ex of mine to go gay after being in a relationship with me.... but let's not go there, okay!?

Grateful for the Easter season. The atonement, the newness of spring--
Both are things that I am finding are a HUGE impact in my life today and recently.

Newness.
There is no better word for me today.

Nope, Not Me Monday!

(for more Not Me Monday, visit my charming kids !) *edit- since people have mentioned that reading these 'not me' posts is confusing, here's a key: omit anything that is pink, and continue reading. Anything pink is sarcastic. That will make the post much easier to understand.*

Today was NOT only the crappiest day in a long time. And yet, it was also NOT exactly what I needed, I think.

I did NOT wake up this morning, in a great mood from a good weekend with friends. I did NOT get excited over thinking of having clean carpets by the end of the day, nor did I also go early to Safeway to rent the machine. With dayhome kids in tow which does NOT suck. Nope, not me... I would NEVER hate taking that many kids to Safeway!

I did NOT have a very few productive minutes in the morning, getting half of the bonus room carpet cleaned. Because I did NOT stop half way through, I do NOT have a clean/dirty line in the carpet! I will NOT be trying to get that out before the new couch arrives tomorrow. Which, by the way, I am not ECSTATIC about! No, I really enjoyed having a couch that the kids would tear apart-- it was my favourite thing. Not to mention, I really liked knowing that EF and Chris had ".. a moment .." on that couch and I can NOT get rid of it fast enough. I am NOT in a 'cleaning house' mode lately- nope. I'm not trying to 'wash that man right outta my...carpets'. (VL)

I did not get a very upsetting phone call from a friend in need, who does NOT live too far away for me to help. I did NOT feel helpless, and I do not feel sad for their sadness. Nope. That's soooo NOT me to take on the issues of my friends and somewhat want to 'fix' their sadness. I do NOT personalize it way too much. I will NOT be on my knees in prayer for them tonight.

I did NOT also, upon hanging up that phone call, receive a phone call right after from ' A BC CORRECTIONAL FACILITY'. I did NOT enjoy talking with Beau, and I am NOT happy to hear that he gets sentenced on Wednesday. I was, however, NOT upsetted to hear that he's having some health issues that they can't figure out. I am NOT thinking it somewhat ironic that the man in the jail was chastising me for what is NOT going on in my life, and how I do NOT deserve better. I did NOT tear up.

I did NOT finish my laundry folding in a quiet, self-reflecting way after the third phone call of the day. Upon doing one of the last loads, I was NOT surprised to look into the finished washload to find my freshly washed Ipod. nope. That wasn't me. I would NEVER wash my Ipod. I was NOT about THIS close to crying at that point. I am NOT super-dee-duper thrilled about having to buy ANOTHER one only a few months after having received this one for Christmas.

I did NOT, at that point, decide to try to have a nap, only to NOT have dreams about people that left me unsettled. I also did NOT get woken up from my snooze three times. I did NOT feel completely exhausted after.

I did NOT think it sucked that Chris was coming over today, because I did NOT anticipate a very hard conversation regarding my weekend and his thoughts on things we've talked about. I am NOT relieved that, by the end of the day, I was NOT ready to 'run away' and so, instead, left him with the dinner and kids and took off in the freezing cold just to 'get out'. I did NOT wish I could run forever. I did NOT wish I didn't have to come back.

I did NOT call my lawyer. And I did NOT ask for the divorce papers to start again, in spite of me NOT thinking I would wait until EF came back so I could wash HER out of my life first, too. I am NOT terrified to tell Chris, as I am NOT utterly and completely concerned with his emotional state lately. I am NOT dying a little inside while I watch him in so much pain that I do NOT feel responsible for.

I am NOT thankful for the talks given in church yesterday, and will NOT be posting about that possibly tomorrow... when my carpets are NOT drying and when I DON'T need time to myself.

All Apologies

I got a letter from Beau the other day. I wrote him a letter a few weeks ago for his birthday, but didn't really know what to say in it. First time in his and my friendship where I was afraid of what to say. It was funny, I was actually fearful of what he'd write back, so I sat in the car and opened it right there at the mailbox.

It was a good letter. He's obviously back to 'himself', as his writing is coherent and flowing in ways that it wasn't when he was sick. He's healthy again, which is nice to hear. And he's incredibly remorseful and apologetic. I worried he'd be mad at me for working with the police, (although he knows that's just the way I am) but he isn't. He said some very touching things about how a day doesn't pass that he doesn't regret exposing my family to his 'insanity'. And many sentences to say sorry to me, the kids and Chris.

As he said in the letter, he's "right where (he) belongs". I'm glad he's safe. I'm glad the REAL Beau is back.

When It Rains...

So, I found yesterday quite,...
entertaining. No. not entertaining. Enlightening. yah. Enlightening.

First, there was all the hullabaloo about the previous posts. I must admit, when I told the story about Beau, I was NOT expecting such a reaction to it! But, for those of you who are wondering, he turned himself in last night. He was arrested in Christina Lake (but booked or whatever in Grand Forks) after the Grand Forks cops had chased him earlier after him robbing another bank in Trail. He managed to 'get away' when they stopped the pursuit because school was out and they don't want to put the public in harm's way. He drove on until Christina Lake, pulled into someone's home, and called the police from there. But, lucky for us all, he's in custody, he's safe, he MAY get some serious help, and will be likely sent to the federal prison in BC. (Not that I know how the 'system' works anyways, but yah). As you can imagine, I was really relieved to hear this news.

(And in response to yesterday's vulgarity which I am NOT publicly known for, I want to clarify that it was ONLY meant for THAT anonymous poster, and no one else. So, hopefully, no one else took offence to it. (sure felt good, though! lol) Not a shining, Christ-like moment, I admit.)

Okay, the rest of my day.
My father came unexpectedly over to talk to me about things pertaining to finances and the divorce. I was a little confused as to why he would drive 2 hours each way just to discuss something that COULD be conversed on the phone, but I was 100% appreciative that he followed the Spirit and came to visit instead. I believe it would have been less of a productive talk over the phone than it was face to face. And he knew that something wasn't 'right' in how I was feeling based on my reaction to our phone call last week. So him following that prompting was touching to me.

We spoke of lots of things, and the truth came out. Most close friends and family already know and some of you may have assumed, but yes, Chris and I are considering trying to work it out and stay together. I haven't said much on the blog because I wasn't really sure of what to say or what direction we're headed in. And I know that there are people who will have very strong feelings against this possibility, and I wanted to feel strong enough in my belief that those opinions wouldn't hurt me. I am not blind to our past, or what needs to change in order to make it work for the rest of our lives. There has been, AND WILL BE, LOTS AND LOTS of talks about *everything*, and we are both changing and learning about ourselves in the process. But first things first-

The divorce paperwork, as far as I know, is still proceeding. If we end up divorced and realize we want to be together after all, we can get remarried to the NEW person we've each become. We can start on a clean slate, we can do it RIGHT from the start. We could have a honeymoon!! (lol) But if we decide NOT to stay together after all, we haven't lost any time in the process of figuring it out.

But, even before that step, I'm taking the time figuring out what *I* want. What I need and what I expect. What can I accept, what is a deal-breaker, and so many other things that making a list would constitute as somewhat tedious and extensive! I need to figure out ME. Who I am. What I want to be.
And that's going to take a while, still, as I learn about myself through every little thing I do and say and think and feel. So "me first".

After, or rather, during that, Chris is doing the same.

And then we come together with those thoughts. With the 'list' of things. And he and I decide if the other 'new' person is something we want. And then we decide. I am constantly evaluating my feelings, where they come from and what their motive is. I am listening for confirmation on things. I am feeling every feeling, the good and the bad.

Things are gonna be SOO good if we can work it out. And if the course of action has us going separate ways, things are still going to be SOO good. It's a win/win situation, considering that if we DON'T work it out, it's because we know who we are, finally, and we're being honest about that. And we'll know that we really gave it one last, good shot at making it work. (Either way, our children and our relationship with them will remain as intact and functional as it is today)

He still 'lives' apart from us, although he spends most of his time here. We're not having him move in until things are more certain in that way if we go that direction.

So now, everyone's caught up.

The rest of my day was also enlightening.
EF showed up a few minutes after my father left. Again, it's always a surprise when she and her daughter show up at my door, but it's usually a pleasant talk. She asked me how the divorce was going, and how Chris and I decided who got what, and all that. Then she burst into tears and told me between sobs that her and her man are not doing good. She told me she is unhappy and is considering divorce herself. He hasn't been able to fully move on, and quite frankly, I understand her pain AND his pain. It was hard to bite my tongue a few times as she told me how he has treated her lately and what he says and her reaction to it, but I knew she came to me because she told me I am the only one she knows who knows the situation, knows her, and can somewhat listen as a sounding board with first-hand knowledge of what her man is going through. (wow, if you haven't had better run-on sentence than THAT!) It honestly breaks my heart to see her in such remorse and pain. Her tears are so genuine and unfeigned. And, although you may feel quite strongly against her, I consider her to be much like Chris-- they are great people with poor choices in their past who are working at moving on in life the best way they know how. They're finding themselves. And in her sobs, as I held her with her tears falling on my shoulder, she asked me to pray for her. It touched my heart, and I see her so differently lately.

THAT BEING SAID, I talked to Chris about it later. I told him of my insecurities surrounding her, which, I'm sure you can all imagine I have every right to feel. And, at this point in where I'm at, I have come to a conclusion. It may change in the future as it has from the past. But today, I have discovered that I'm ONLY okay having only ONE of them in my life, in spite of previous thought. If Chris is here, EF and her children will not be (even if she's divorced or still with her man). It is hard, as I know EF needs a friend-- especially one who knows what she's feeling, but I will be her friend at the park during the day, and not in my home. Insecure? Yes. But for now, that's my self-preserving demand that I don't apologize for.

It was after dinner that Beau's family called me with the news of his arresting. I was soooooo relieved.

What a night! I slept like a baby within 5 minutes of my head hitting the pillow. And this morning I had great conversations with loved ones. Clarifying conversations that enrich my life and my relationships. And for those who were part of my day today, I thank you. And, maybe 10 minutes ago, I got a knock on my door. The flower lady stood there, holding these. To my friend (and 'FAN' :) ), I just want to say PUBLICLY how much that thought and the card attached cheered me! I may not be 100% sure who you are, but really, I just wanted to tell you that it was super sweet, the card was hilarious, and I appreciate it!

Now It's My Turn

So here goes.
I sat, watching my inbox grow with each minute, filled with new comments on the last post. I have pondered to myself on how to respond, and with WHAT I wanted to say and what I didn't. And although this post may come across as angry, please know that I'm just feeling defensive, as I'm sure you would all feel were you in my shoes. I have edited this post a few times. Written it and came back to it in the morning and decided that I can't reply to everything.

But there's a few things I'll mention. And then, it is my hope that we can all move past this, as it's creating a stress in my life that I'm not okay dealing with. I hate contention. I hate being the centre of arguments, I hate having people in my life attack others based on their opinions.

So, first thing of note.
Thank you. Every opinion is read. Every opinion touches my heart in some way. But I am also of the view that Kare expressed. The anonymous people have EVERY RIGHT to be anonymous, but I think that anonymity should be reserved merely for SELF-preservation-- not preservation of a relationship that you don't need to preserve. If you DO love me, you will know that your opinion, as harsh as it may feel to me, will be FAR GREATER VALUED than some 'stranger' who claims to know me. And worse yet, I have an idea who some of the anonymous people are-- which makes me feel that they don't respect my love for them if they think I'd stop talking to them or such. Maybe for a day, but most definitely not indefinitely. :) Kare said it most eloquently: Have faith that if your words are spoken from your heart, that (I) will take the time to hear them properly, and be able to separate how (I) FEEL about them, from the content and intent. If you do not trust (me) to do this, then you do not know (me), and you are not being as true a friend or family member as you are called to be. (And PS. . Sheelagh, thank you. Doesn't change our relationship-- at least, not for me. I still love you and respect your wisdom and opinions.)

Secondly. "If you can't say something nice.."
I do not care what we're talking about. I will NOT tolerate people attacking OTHER commentors' comments. If, for example, Marci wants to say something TO ME, you should not attack her for having a differing opinion than yours. Likewise, if you don't agree with one of the anonymouses...that's fine too. We dont' need to agree. But being petty and rude to someone else is NOT okay. These are ALL people I love or who love me. Please, in the future, state only YOUR opinion and state it to me-- not based on what others have said. It's not fair to anyone here. And it's my blog. Have what you want to say to me-- if you want to say something to someone else, say it on THEIR blog. Or don't say it.I think that's only respectful of ALL parties. If this isn't followed, I will erase people's comments. And I don't want to do that. So keep them geared to me only, please.

And lastly. What *I* think.

I would do it again. Apart from ONE of my friends who reads this, you do not know Beau-- not who he USED to be, nor who he is now. Spend more than 20 minutes alone in a room with him and then tell me you know him. And, I would venture to assume that NONE of you have been FIRST-HAND exposed to someone high on heroine. This is not what you watch on TV. (we know 'reality shows' like "X-Weighted" and "Intervention" are SOOOO unedited, don't we?!) Until you know Beau, and know the drugs and how he reacts to it, don't judge me and tell me I put people in danger. Chris was here. He sat face to face with Beau. He ate dinner with my family. Chris was not worried.. I mean, seriously, when Beau arrived, he could barely lift his hand to EAT! Chris agrees that we would do it again. And basically, it's MY home. My heart. And my children. And those children in my care's families trust my decisions, or they would not hire me. They would probably all recommend my home. But I'm not here to toot horns or anything. Point being, Chris is standing behind me 100% on this. We did NOT endanger anyone, nor would we have. And as for the conversation with my children after... You teach your children your way. I'll teach them my way. They were sent to me- and I will teach them the way that feels right to me because I know that when it feels 'right', I've done right.

I was NOT thinking I could 'save' Beau. I *DID* call his family FIRST- within minutes of his arrival. I made sure that having him here would not be an endangerment based on previous times of detox for him and according to his family who have been through this numerous times. I called Health Link to also talk with a registered nurse (in fact, I talked with three). I talked with AADAC to ensure that I knew what to expect and that it wasn't something I'd regret. And I don't. Nor will I ever.

But let's make this clear-- I DO NOT CONDONE BEAU'S BEHAVIOUR! I have done everything I can to get him caught. I have worked with Police when I have no legal need to. I am NOT blind to what's right and what's not. When he arrived at my house, I had NO knowledge of his robberies-- no one did! The warrants weren't out for 3 days after his arrival. I *DID* worry that while he was getting 'air', he would find trouble. I didn't think it'd be robbing banks, no. But drugs, yes. And I told him that if he came back high, he would not be stepping another foot in my door. I layed down rules the moment he got here. And, might I add, I never needed to enforce them. I'm not dumb. (In spite of what some of you have made me feel.)

I am not 'entangled' in a web of mess. I am no longer a part of this. And the police know that and have told me that. Because I told the truth to them the same way I stated it here. They know I knew about the car, they know everything. I will NOT lie for Beau. Or anyone.

I admit first off- I made a mistake- the stolen car. And I fully accept that. And agree that I should have handled that one better. I do not need for my nose to be rubbed in my own crap-- I get it enough from myself for that one.

You love me? Yet you think I love Beau more than my three children or even the children I have in my home for sometimes 12 hours of the day-- treating them like my own!??? You think I'd love him more?!! In this case... you DO NOT KNOW ME!

I will ALWAYS state that EVERYONE I associate with in my life are not 'bad people'. We ALL make crappy choices... and some more than others. And I'm no better either. So let's stop assuming that we're sooooo much better than someone else. That your 'beams and motes' are sooooo much more acceptable than your neighbour's. And let's remember who Jesus spent most of his time with-- the whores and sick and loneliest people. I'm not Jesus, but He did ask me to follow Him, and in this case, I believe I did. If Beau doesn't qualify as 'the least of these', I don't know who would. And especially please stop judging these two men who are being attacked on my blog (namely, Beau and Chris). I love these men, and attacking them doesn't change how I feel about them. Maybe only changes how I feel about your perception of them and I'm not asking you to love them.

PS- not that it's anyone's business, but Chris has NOT been dating anyone else since July ended. He is not thinking that 'dating' while married to me is a characteristic he's proud of. He's not proud of a lot of things. People DO change. Which is why hanging with him right now is much easier. I don't have to hear about his dates- because he's not on them.

I have said my 'peace'. I'm sorry if you felt I endangered my children. I'm sorry you felt that I let these two men 'abuse' me. I do not feel that way. But I've stated how I feel. And you love me for me- This IS me. I own this. And in whom I love or how I treat them, you will not change my convictions. Love me for it or in spite of it. But I hope you've seen that no matter what you do (or anonymously write), I will always love you back.