Lately I've done a lot more introspective thinking. On top of what's been mentioned in the last post regarding my ability or disability to move on.
- Money worries me for the first time since separating.
A dayhome mom owed me over a thousand dollars, and I started to really stress about the fact that at ANY given time, these parents can really mess with my life by avoiding payment. She did pay me today, so that took a bit of stress off. I had also started to stress as my cookie party is coming up at the end of the month, and it's my "BIG" Christmas joy. I look forward to this party every year, and it kinda starts my holiday season off on a joyous and festive note. Surrounded by friends and even family, good food and lots and lots of fun, I feel most happy. The true spirit of Christmas is felt, as the bond between people grows tighter and I get to give my first gifts away. With money being a bit scarcer this year, I have had to change a few thoughts about the party, which kinda dampens my enthusiasm. But, truth be told, I think it's worth it to keep the party the same as previous years. As it's the ONE thing that I do FOR ME this time of the year. - For the first time, I truly confessed how I felt about Chris lately to a family member. I felt utterly and totally vulnerable, as my family's opinion about my life seems to be the biggest concern to me when compared to others' opinions. The need to feel 'accepted' and loved by my family is bigger to me than maybe is healthy. But it's just the way I am. I always feel loved by my family, but I have this fear of changing my relationships with my siblings or parents because of choices they may not agree with. One being how Chris and I are dating again.
Do they agree or disagree? I don't know. I know they want me to be happy, and they want me to be smart, and they want me to have the things in my life that I want.
So, telling my sister last night words that I haven't ever uttered was frighteningly wonderful. Just getting my thoughts out of my head and through my own mouth. To somewhat explain 'where I'm at' with everything. I don't think I've even said much of those same words to my friends. - I'm really evaluating my beliefs surrounding religion. I enjoy searching my soul/spirit/heart (whatever you call it) for my thoughts and feelings. I enjoy testing things for myself. I've always thought I had a personal testimony of certain things, but now I'm actually able to put things into my OWN words and my OWN heart. To make things mine. I don't think I'm explaining myself too well right now, but I think it's one of those things that you just "get" if you've been where I'm at.
- The dayhome has gotten a few 'nibbles' on childcare since putting up the ads, but so far I only have one more child at once a week. So, it's not enough to sustain the home long-term. That being said, Chris told me of a connection he has to a magazine publisher who is looking for editors and writers. Now, I don't make ANY claim to be a talented writer, but editing is something I'd actually find joy in. And it's a job I can do in my own time, which also appeals to me, as I can put in hours during naptimes and bedtimes where I'm undisturbed by children. I am afraid of taking on too much, but on the same hand, it's not a job where I have to put in a required amount of hours. And that company is big on 'ease' and sustainability as far as being in my life. I may not have a better option, either, as, if I can't find children to care for, I need to make money, and I'd prefer to do it still being at home with Mimi. I will look further into this. It actually excites me, as I'm somewhat of an English/Writing enthusiast. Whether I'm good at it or not, I find joy in it.
12 comments:
OMG..editing would be my DREAM job!
Especially in my own home, on my own computer, where I could keep up with laundry and other household tasks at the same time...
I'm a grammar and spelling NAZI anyway, so everyone in my family thinks it would be the perfect job for me.
How exciting for you if you can do something like that!!
I know. The more I think about it, the more excited I get about the possibility.
So exciting about the possibility of the job!!!! I hope it pans out for you :) Keeping my fingers crossed
This I surely know: they DISAGREE.
And they want you to be happy.
And they will love you anyway.
Unless you ARE my sibling or parent, you can't "surely" know. And my siblings and parents love and respect me enough to tell me themselves and NOT anonymously, so I guess we know where that leaves us!
Well now.
Isn't it interesting that you "don't know" then - everyone in this huge family has avoided telling you what they think? Or have they told you and you are just not listening?
I have talked to some of them, so I *do* know. They love and respect you enough not to say *anything*.
ppphhtppttt.
no, not everyone has avoided telling me what they think. I have talked with most of my family members who feel quite opposite to what you say. If they're lying about it, I am in no way responsible for their actions.
The others could possibly feel what you're claiming, but have not made it known to me for a reason that you obviously don't share.
If they *wanted* me to know, they'd have told me THEMSELVES. So, you sticking your nose into the fray is immature and assumptuous that they would have wanted you to break their confidences.
ppphhtppttt??? Really!?!!!!! Again, maturity is key.
So, oh courageous and in-the-know Anon, let me mirror back your message to see if we've all got this right:
"Oh, I KNOW what your family REALLY thinks, because I'm so freakin close to them that I'm practically psychic. But hey, even though they think you're making the worst decision of your life, you're either not listening to their opinions, because you're so bull-headed, or they "respect" you too much to be honest and share their viewpoints with you. But hey, even though you're an insular ass who doesn't listen to her family members, or even know them very well at all, they've decided to take pity on you and love you ANYWAYS, out of the goodness of their little hearts."
Hmm?!? Does that sound about right to you?? Just wanted to make sure one of us (other than Debbi) had taken the time to GET IT FROM THE HORSE'S (ass) MOUTH.
Seems to me that Kare jumps into the fray only to defend you Debbi. Never offers her opinion on topic, which she says she gives you in person, but only attacks the anonymous people she feels are "asses". Kare repeatedly attacks others - must be nice to have such a "knight in shining armour" standing up for you...why I cannot figure out since you don't seem to have a problem answering back in your own direct and pointed manner. Kare - if you can't say anything nice ever, why do you constantly feel the need to defend Debbi by attacking others?
I think that Kare is just try to defend her friend. Whether or not she offers her opinion isn't or shouldn't be anyone's concern. I would think that she just cares how some of negative comments could and do effect Debbie. I don't know either ladies but I know this. I left a nasty comment on someone's blog anonymously once. (Not this one by the way.) I was hurt by something they wrote on their blog and reacted. I did it in haste and didn't think about how my comment would hurt her. It was later on that I became very ashamed of my actions. I clicked sent my comment and didn't think about it again...until she kept bringging it up. I became a "troll". I in no way got the satisfaction that I was hoping to get, do you?
Kare is big enough to reply for herself on this one.
But, as she mentioned before, she ALWAYS gives her opinion to me PERSONALLY, and so her needing to post it here for the world to "approve" of is not only unneeded, but is redundant to ME personally. I've never needed to ask for her opinion, and she's never given it to me without me asking. (That sentence won't make sense to others, but it makes sense to her and I)
Among MANY, MANY other reasons, I love her for that.
For the Anon 3 posts back:
First off, I've posted on this blog numerous times - sometimes with a simple comment, and sometimes wearing my "Defender of Debbi" outfit. (Which, might I add, looks pretty darn spiffy on me.) So no, I don't just voice my blog opinions on the hot issues. Having said that, and keeping in mind that you have acknowledged, and have had it confirmed by Debbi that I do in fact voice my opinions directly to her, I do have something to say when Anonymous posters decide to write condescending and belittling words, but have neither the courage nor confidence to put their names to their personal, negative attacks. And since Debbi has a great memory, there's really no need for me to redundantly post my views on her everyday life for Joe Public to peruse, since she most likely remembers what I think, and she's the one who asked in the first place, not you. I often respond to the blog when there are hurtful, hypocritical, nasty, or inaccurate comments. Not, if you've paid attention, to every OPINION which you might assume differs from mine, but to the nature, tone and veracity of some of those negative posts.
The whole point of my responses is to question the hurtful comments left by many Anons. How do they justify their mean-spirited digs? Why do they feel the need to belittle Debbi and make extremely personal accusations against her? If they are related to her, why do they not love and respect her enough to take these issues up with her in person? And if they do NOT know her, how do they convince themselves that they know her well enough to condemn and criticize her every thought and decision? And of course, how in the world does someone with something nasty to say expect to be taken seriously if they don't have the decency to leave their name?
I know at this point you are likely thinking, "Ha - and how about YOUR hurtful comments, Kare?" And my reply to that is: I leave my name every time, and I make a concerted effort to only "attack" the content and tone of the anonymous posts. I may fall prey to leaving the odd personal dig as well, when the human in me takes over my temporary "Knight in Shining Armour" brain, but only when rude comments have been made towards Debbi in the first place. I of course am operating under the assumption that if someone is willing to dish it out, then they must be willing to take some of it in return. If that's not the case, then stop slinging mud, and maybe I won't throw it back at you.
As you've noticed, Debbi is quite capable of "defending" herself. (And me - thanks, hon.) And I'm sorry if you don't have any "knights" who occasionally take it upon themselves to step in and stand up for someone they love. But I am that friend. You don't have to like it. Or read it. But if you are going to say something hurtful, unjustified, and down-right mean to any friend of mine, then I will forewarn you that there is a very high probability that you will hear from me about it. It would be so if we were in person, and it will be so if we are on the internet.
As for saying nice things, I have lots of niceness to spread around. Ask anyone who actually knows me, and you will likely get a laundry list of nice things I have done. Yay, me. (Not the point, but you did bring it up.) I do have nice things to say. I simply save them for those who choose to say both the nice AND difficult things to strangers, friends and family in person, (or in the case of a blog, identified) instead of anonymously.
For instance, I could have addressed this post to "Anonym-ass", but I didn't. That was nice of me, wasn't it?
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