Gone Country?

I'm kinda funny with music. A lot of time I find a song which finds a song I had long forgotten. Such as this one that I can't seem to stop listening to: You Left Me (just when I needed you most)

Songs from Tim McGraw bring me back to 2000, when Chris and I were living in separate provinces. When I was 'knocked up' and Chris and I were hurt and fighting and heartbroken and misunderstood. My roommate, Amber, played CDs all the time, but in particular, this one. And we would dance like girls in our tiny living room to "My Best Friend". And I'd cry to "Some Things Never Change". And I would feel afraid, she'd make me laugh. I'd cry, and crawl into bed with her as she told me that things would be okay. She dealt with my pregnant hormones, my dirt and filth, my broken car. She dealt with so much.

It's funny, my music tastes. According to the ever-omniscient Facebook, I have the worst taste in music! lol (that stupid "compare me" thing is soooooo dumb). I just like what I like. And I find it most funny that in the hardest times of my life, I equate a country CD to that time period.
Odd, seeing as country is NOT the radio station I frequent.

When I found out about Chris and EF, I found this CD in my car. I listened to so many songs on that CD. Over and Over. I cried to "I Wish" on the way to get the stupid STD test. I listened to it on the way to church. I tried to listen to something else, but in reality, this song was the only one that said what I felt in my heart.

Music is the song of the heart. Like said in "Hear Thou The Song Of My Heart", one of my favourite choir/religious songs. There's times "when my heart can find no voice" and I need someone to "hear...the songs I cannot sing." My song lately? I'm kinda torn between a few. But when I find it, I'll share it.

Maybe I'm weird or deluded. But I still find it soothing to listen to songs about being hurt, of being left, or even being cheated on. Not because I feel bitter that way, but because it's nice to feel understood and to have the power of music to instill those feelings more securely in my right to feel them.

I was talking to Chris yesterday about bitterness and not being able to 'move on'. I know that, as much as it sucks to recognize, but the person who would more likely drive the final nail on the coffin to our reconciliation would be, in fact, me. To not be able to let go of that near animalistic instinct to retaliate. To always feel like a victim, and to carry that cross with me for fear of losing identity in the process of removing it. I know people who I believe have that issue... the almost tangible need to 'hold on' to the victim in their lives for nothing other than fear of losing one's self. Who am I if I'm not the divorced? Who am I if I hadn't lost a loved one? Who am I if I haven't been wronged by family members? In reality, haven't we ALL a reason for being a victim at one point in our lives? Why do I feel the need to continue to feel as such? To sometimes need to remind Chris of my hurt?

Forgiving is one thing. And I'm not expected to forget-- that would be asinine and put in me the same category as an ostrich with its head in the sand. To forget the lesson would be foolish. No, not forgive and forget. Forgive and let go. The forgiver remembers the true, though painful parts, but without the embellishment of angry adjective and adverbs that stir up contempt.

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”

Lewis B. Smedes quotes