And if anyone tries to tell me how much of a bad mother I am, I'm so ready to open a can of something on their sorry butts!

I know, I haven't blogged a whole lotta anything lately.

So here it is. A long one. Be warned. And it's also slightly venting- so, skip ahead to the comments and leave some non-related lovely thoughts because I'm in a blahghgh mood and wouldn't want to ruin your otherwise happy day should you read this horrible monologue.



I had bad-mom night. I kinda had bad-day yesterday in general.

First off, it started off perfectly fine. In truth, it was AWESOME. I took three kids to the passport office, highly anticipating a long couple-hour wait in a line of decrepits. (no clue why I think only scary, dirty people go to passport offices-- just some stupid ignorant thought I have. Don't tell me I'm ignorant. I know)

Lucky for me, I walked right into the office, the ONLY person there. I was in and out of that government building within 5 minutes. Which is sweet, because as I walked out, 5 different people walked in. Of course, they were all regular people decrepits. And I'm sure I was minutes away from catching West Nile or something airborne. (It's my story. I'm gonna go with it my way.)

But, that was the end of my daily allotment for good things.
I did not find a specific item I was looking for to give to Will for his birthday next week. Looked in three different stores. Have bought it before. Annoyed that it is now 'MIA'. So, I'm taking suggestions for gifts for the most awesome dude ever, whom I've dated for a little over 2 months, and whom I plan to date for a long time. Let's add sentimental, not too cheap, but not ridiculous either. You know. That type of gift. Let the ideas flow.

And I miss Will. He's gone on vacation until next week... and going from talking EVERY DAY FOR 2 MONTHS TO NOTHING IS SUPER SUCKY STUPID SAD HARD, (albeit healthy- I don't want to hear that) TO DO!

I got the kids lunch, and then a phone call came from Sin. She's sick lately, and it worries me a lot. So, I packed up the monkeys and headed downtown, and tried to navigate downtown with construction and one-way traffic. I'm not good at that. Although, I found humour as I turned the wrong-way up a one-way street, where the construction lady looked sideways at me, like I was some person in line at the Passport office on crack! (I was safely behind a barrier, waiting for Sin, it's not like I inadvertently turned that way! I'm not THAT bad of a driver, seriously) But I get a little flustered driving downtown, rush hour or not. Not to mention the downed power line that had a 4-lane road down to ONE LANE! Fetcher who hit the power line is lucky the cops were there-- I woulda busted a cap in his butt. Let's imagine the power line didn't fall on it's own (there were no other cars or people there to blame).

The kids didn't nap, so once I was back home, they were all ready to gash out their eyeballs. And one had thrown up on herself in the car. Funtimes.

Then, a new baby arrived (just for the day) and screamed his head off. THREE HOURS OF SCREAMING!! THREE BLINKING HOURS!! I tried feeding him, I tried distracting him, I tried holding him. I tried everything. It got to my breaking point, where I simply put him in a playpen just so I could close the door for a few minutes before I tried again. Serenity Now.

LL called from the school, wanting to come home 1/2 hour earlier because of a headache. AS IF. Suck it out, buttercup. She loses her temper with me on the phone, and I explain that I dont' have enough seat belts for the 8 kids I have at the house to come get her anyways.

She gets home and immediately starts complaining about how I shoulda picked her up, griping and talking incredibly rudely to me. I suggest taking a nap to see if she feels better. She decides to play outside.

I had an 'evening out' planned. But my hair appointment cancelled. Instead, I was gonna go for a run or something.

I made dinner.
Chris arrived. He informs me that he forgot his volleyball stuff, and will be taking the kids shopping for shorts instead of bathing them and doing their homework.

So, when he returned, they were barely bathed (thank goodness for that) but it was 10 minutes to bedtime. And LL had a letter from her teacher about her homework. And it was yet to be done. And Bear didn't get his done either.

I am at my end.
It is past bedtime.
It is an HOUR PAST BEDTIME!
LL is screaming at me that I won't do her homework for her. That I don't love her to help her... Bear is taking his piddly time getting his own stuff done.

I call the homework to cease, and we have family prayer. LL doesn't join in. She pouts instead. We start without her, and she pouts harder. FINE. JOIN THEN! She joins, and gets into bed, SCREAMING! I give kisses, and walk out the bedroom door. No song tonight-- I'm definitely not in the mood for a lullaby over top of a screamfest.

SHE SCREAMED FOR 15 MINUTES!! like, scream, banshee-esque.

I had enough. I went into her room, told her to stop. She screamed at me. I yelled back. *hear the snap, yet?* I tell her I don't like the way she's treated me tonight. Don't like the way that, when I tried to help her, she got angry and refused to let me help. Told her I didn't like her very much right now.

her little heart broke audibly, as she reiterated between huge sobs, "You don't like me?"

GRRR. Bad mom moment.
"no, I don't. You're not a nice girl right now. you've hurt my feelings all day, and I'm a regular person. Sometimes I'm a mom. And I always love you. But after a whole day of you treating me poorly, and having my feelings hurt all day, I stop being a mom and just become a "Debbi". And right now, Debbi wants to go in her room and be alone."

Ensue tears on both sides.
"you don't love me, Mom?"

my heart breaks as I realize that THIS moment will be one she will likely hold tight to, the way I held tight to certain things my mother said to me in her own 'non-mom' moments when I was a child.

"I'll always love you. You are my pride and joy. I would die for you. I would do anything you asked. I love you with everything I am."

"Then why won't you sing for me?"

"Because singing to you is a gift. And I don't want to give you that gift right now. I'm too sad to give anything else to anyone today. I need to be alone now."

....
I walk away. Took a shower. Cried.

Started missing having a Dad in the home. Not Chris. But a Dad in general-- someone who could take over when Mom is tired. When Mom is losing it, they come in and let Mom hide out in the shower. They would have interfered before I got to the whole "you don't love me, mom?" moment!

In fact, I was angry at Chris, so it wasn't like I was missing him. Because of his stupidity and forgetfulness, the kids' routine was ruined that night. And angry, that because he gets to walk in and out of their day as he pleases, and I'm left with the tornado aftermath. He doesn't 'do' homework. He doesn't get the letters from the teacher. He doesn't deal with the kids being overtired because they didn't get it done earlier. He doesn't have to wake them early to finish it, and still make sure they're on the bus on time, pulling teeth the entire morning. He doesn't deal with their attitudes. Daddy's time is always rainbows and unicorns and all that crap.

Went to go double check the locks on the doors downstairs, where a little voice, cracking, called out my name as I shut the bedroom doors. "Mom?"

"yes, huney."

"My eyes hurt. I am not happy."

"I know sweetheart. Go to sleep. We are tired. I love you"


I hate bad days.