WIshing For Daisy Halos - 664..665..667..668

I guess I don't really know why I am the way I am. maybe it is part of my childhood, coming back to haunt my life now. Maybe it's the friends I chose, or the people who hurt me. Maybe it's all accredited to what I eat.

I often think about things that happened to me as a baby, things I don't know that happened, but may have affected who I am today. Like, certain things I think and certain urges to do something specific.. is that part of me because of how I was raised?

I like the idea of tarot cards and fortune tellers, I like hypnotists and star-reading. I don't know why, but it just kinda fascinates me. I don't put a lot of weight on those issues, but it's still entertaining anyways. I'm a Scorpio, and maybe the fascination is because of my personality traits according to my sign. But then, astrological signs are just another thing to add to the list. Is it Satan worshipping? It's really odd, though, because I don't put ANY credibility into people like that "crossing over" guy, who believes he talks with the dead. Maybe that's just my perception of heaven, and angels or whatever, but I HONESTLY believe that although he MAY be talking to beings not of this world, I don't believe his power comes from God. But then I contradict myself again, and think about the article of faith, "We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues and so forth". So, if that's the case, why are we advised not to partake of such entertainment venues like fortune tellers and whatever else. Isn't a vision something of a fortune telling? Aren't tarot cards something of prophecy?

There's a lot of gray lines that I confuse myself on, stuff like that. Am I so disillusioned in my fascination with these things? Am I a bad LDS person, someone who really shouldn't call themselves as such? Am I like most LDS? (Even if I WAS like most LDS, does that still make it okay?)

I guess my desire to put off the natural man is really strong, but it's really fighting against something that I seem to enjoy too much. I mean, there's a lot of sacrifice in the church, why shouldn't this be another? I WANT to be the good example, the faithful woman who gets to see Jesus face to face without guilt or pain clouding my view. I just want the day of my trial to be happy, you know, a "well done thou good and faithful servant" kind of day. Can I be that person and still enjoy these things?

I think there's too fine a line. Or maybe there isn't, and I'd just like it to be, so it's easier to cross over.