Wishing for Daisy Halos - Another Day

Another day, I'll try again, but can You tell me, will this hurting ever end? I've been taught, and I believe. But it's been a while since I've been on my knees. And I need Thee by my side. I don't have the strength to make it on my own. And, Lord, do You hear my prayers? How soon will You answer me?


Those are the words from an LDS song that I heard once, from a friend's CD that I don't know what it was called. But the song came to me in an hour of need 3 years ago, and it stuck. It's a beautiful melody, but the words are perfect.

I still feel like they are applying to my life today. In different ways entirely than they did when I first learned them, but just as succinctly.

It's so comforting to know others are as confused as I. That out there, I'm not crazy. I wish I just didn't FEEL like I am. I can't help but think that a good cry would make this ache go away, but I always thought that was ridiculous-- crying just for the sake of crying. I don't know what I'd cry ABOUT. The things that are cry-worthy, I've cried about them before, why keep crying?! That's just living MORE in the past than I currently do! And it's like laying down and doing nothing. That's SO not me. There were quite a few boyfriends who I got over faster than I am this feeling!

Maybe I'm having sympathy pains. There's a few people I love who are hurting, and so maybe I just ache for them, which is why I don't know why I'm sad.

Maybe it's depression. that seems to have run in my family genes, apparently. But that's stupid too, because EVERYONE would be on drugs if they diagnosed and cured what I'm feeling with pills. The entire female population. It FEELS like PMS, that sad, miserable, can't really control your feelings kind of feeling, but it's NOT PMS, which makes the whole thing that much more annoying and depressing. Give it a name, but for gosh darn it, call it SOMETHING!!

I did, however, find a break from that today and I got enough energy and motivation to fold the laundry that I've been conveniently avoiding since Monday. Which makes me glad that I accomplished SOMETHING, but then the thought that I only have to do laundry again next Monday (two days from today) creeps in and kinda flattens my elation.

What is with me lately? I feel so dumb! Total tangent, but I can't seem to think of ANY of the words I want to say! It's like my English capabilities are GONE! I love English, it's my favourite subject in school (or, was, when i was TAKING classes). I have such a large vocabulary, but being out of school now for over a year seems to be rotting my brain away. It's like my fat head is EATING all the 'fat' words I used to master.

Anyways, back to my pity party.

Actually, I'm kinda done with that whole woe-is-me thing. Even *I* don't want to read about it.

The missionaries are coming for dinner tomorrow. One of them goes home this week. We're not doing anything really great, just cooking a roast and yorkshires and some veggies, pretty generic. Oh well. It's too bad he's leaving, actually, because this set of Elders are the first to really get to know Chris. He likes being around them, joking with them. And I really believe that one day there will be that "one", the one who will just KNOW what Chris needs to hear and present it to him in such a way that Chris won't even see it. I know it sounds like I'm trying to change Chris. And I guess I am. But change for the better isn't wrong, is it? And I want him to change for himself, because he KNOWS the truth as I do, not because he knows I know the truth. It's a slight difference, but it's huge to me. I just want to share so many things with him that I can't share, and so, as he mentioned today, we'll NEVER have that as long as we stay the people we are today. We'll never totally be entwined to each other, there will always be a little strand of each other that the other can't "touch".

yeah, so there's a happy thought. So much for NOT doing the whole woe-is-me thing again. I asked him today if he is disappointed in me. (It seems to be a word I'm getting FAR too annoyed with *(those of you who know what I'm talking about, understand)* ) Like, is he disappointed that I'm not who he thought I was marrying. That I haven't turned out to be who he had wanted me to be. You know? He said no, as a good hubby should. But it's hard for me to think that he SHOULDN'T be disappointed. I mean, I even asked him, what did I really do this last year that's notable?

He said raised two kids, was pregnant, had a baby. Wow. Whop-dee-doo. Three whole things that are all encompassing of the other. I didn't get any smarter, I didn't get any prettier, I didn't get any nicer. I got fatter, and dumber, and lazier and boring-er (that's not a word, see-- I'm dumber! :P ) And I grew spiritually.

Which is the one saving grace of this last year. However, it STILL goes back to having a baby, because if Bear hadn't have gotten sick, then he wouldn't have had the blessing, then I wouldn't have had the confirmation that I had, then I wouldn't have the testimony that I have today. Hopefully that feeling won't EVER leave me, and my testimony won't dwindle ever again. I hate being unsure about important things, so I'm glad that I'm not unsure about that today.

Okay, this post is long enough. I'm not going for a Pulitzer here!