Journals/ Finding Balance

Okay, I know that last entry doesn't count- but it's funny.

On a serious note, yesterday.

I have figured out through the years that when I'm severely upsetted by something, I have the strongest need to find a journal. And my paper journal (obviously, not this thing) is where I put my deepest thoughts and personal feelings. I have kept a journal since I was 8, and am currently on my 8th one. (8th?? uh...counting...4,5...yep, 8th) I am EXTREMELY blessed to have been instilled that desire in my early years.

Mine look like this-- they're all the same.

Journal writing was my main source of support in my life through my teenage years. I wrote every day. really. I like to write, and though there's many of you out there who can outwit, outwrite and outplot me in your writing abilities, it's something I think I'm fairly good at. My journals are exactly how I think-- written in honest form and with no pretence, just as a personal journal SHOULD be. I find peace in writing the thoughts that bother me, I find joy in reading previous entries, and I learn sooo much through the hindsight while I reread what was written. I learn more about myself through that medium than any other in my life.

So, things in my life have gone spiralling down in the past few months, forcing me to reevaluate lots of things and turn to the basics once again. One being my journal-writing of late. In this journal #8, I have written only 78 pages over the course of 18 months!!! And, let me assure you, there's WAY more than 78 pages-worth of things to write about in that time. Aneurisms, TV shows, Post-partum, marriage, motherhood, family history....Being a mom has made it hard to keep up.

So, yesterday, I pulled it out. House was cleaned, and kids were fed and I had nothing better to do with my time (read: nothing else to distract myself with). I started to write, and started 'unloading' all the baggage that I so desperately needed to release, when little Lyssie comes to my side, trying to read it. I'd get back into the outflow of it, and two minutes later she was there again, asking questions. Then again, minutes after that. Then again, complaining about being bored. And then and then and then andthenandthen......

After asking her nicely to let me be, and doing it MORE THAN ONCE, I saw a tear fall from her cheek.

How bad I felt in that instant. My daughter wanted my attention and needed it, and I was too consumed with getting my OWN feelings dealt with that I didn't make time for hers. In order for me to be a better Mom, I NEED to feel at peace in my heart, and I do that through writing. I've learned that by NOT taking care of myself, I'm a horrible mother! So how can I balance what she needs and what I need when they conflict at the same time?

Motherhood is a neverending, tough job. I need to find a better middle-ground, and will work on it. She's so worth it.

Our Trip a few years ago to Nelson, BC. The love from Little Lyssie makes me so happy to be her mom.