Looking Back

So, I'm part of a group called 20 Something Bloggers, and they have a contest on right now. You can read all about it here. It explains it all there, but in short, this post is a part of 20SB’s Looking Back Blog Carnival, and Ben & Jerry’s is awarding free ice cream to lucky bloggers and readers! And come on, guys, it's ICE CREAM!! I'm a sucker for something yummy! (VL)

In order to participate, I just pick a post from my first 2 months in blog-land that shows where I was mentally and, like, deep inside my head. So, here it is.... It's funny how much has changed since then. How much we know now.

Let's go back to May 24th, 2008. (since I technically started blogging in April 2008)

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"My Last Secret"

My kids know now, so the 'cat's out of the bag,' so to speak. Now, it's time to let you know what's been going on in my life to the extent of what my children know.

Tonight, we told my three kids that Chris will be leaving June 1st. He's going to go live somewhere else for at least the month of June, possibly returning in July, possibly not returning at all. This decision has been in the works for about 4 months now. It's hard to fully explain everything to everyone, as some details are more meant for family and some are just meant for Chris and I. But some things need to be said.

Chris and I love each other. If you saw the X-Weighted TV show, you'll see that there are issues with Chris' desire to be married. It's not about being married to me specifically, but about being part of a family. And we both know that no marriage will survive if both parties aren't FULLY committed to working on it. We have done so much growth in these past 4 months, more than can be shared. We have learned how to communicate in a whole other language. We have learned what we each NEED versus WANT in a marriage, and neither of us believe that the other should have to lose their needs just to stay married.

Because I love him so deeply like I do, I know this is essential to his growth. There's no other option. And our marriage counsellors and clergy are behind us, working with us and guiding us in proper directions. We aren't fighting or angry. We are doing this for the betterment of our marriage, the betterment of ourselves and in time, the betterment of our children. They deserve to be part of a family where love, respect and commitment are strong and obvious. If I can't find that in this marriage, with God's plan, I hope to find it elsewhere. They deserve that. As do I.

Ask questions. It's okay to be confused and sad and even angry... It's the same thing we told our children. The next few days are going to be tough-- prayers tonight invoked tears from both LL and Bear for their father's choice. They asked me lots of questions, and I believe LL cried herself to sleep. Bear is still awake, and asked me to sleep in bed with him. Obviously, they're going to be dealing with the aftermath of their father's choices for a long time. I just hope that the positive in the long run outweighs the negative we feel now.


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Wow. Back then, I hadn't yet spoke of Chris' affair. No one knew who EF was.
I hadn't yet spoke of why he wasn't returning.
I hadn't met anyone that I thought I could love more, or who could love me.


I am so glad I'm not there anymore.