Why Love is Indescribable

Saying that you love someone romantically for the first time is never a small deal.

• Maybe you shouldn't love them? Perchance you feel it's too early to love them. Likely, you've said it one too many times when you didn't mean it, and you worry about doing that again. But, when you really discover that you love someone, you probably knew it a while before. You DID love them even then, but admitting it out loud to ANYONE just wasn't 'safe'. Even to yourself. You tried to convince yourself that you didn't... but you knew better.

Saying that you love someone romantically for the first time, after being divorced is one hundred times MORE never a small deal.

• You're hurt. You're scared that THIS love will be as fleeting, perhaps, as the love you said goodbye to with the bang of the judge's gavel. You worry that maybe you can't love ever as much as the last time. That your broken heart is too flawed to love again. That your judgement didn't exactly work out in your favour last time, so why trust it now?

Hearing for the first time that you are loved is scary and ethereal and euphoric and terrifying. Hearing for the first time that you are loved, after divorcing, is one hundred times MORE scary than anything else. Shocking. Exciting. Engulfing . Validating.

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We knew we loved each other before it was said on either side. Just something you could just.. know. It. just. was. And that made it beautiful. And scary. SO scary. It was too early, it was intimidating-- "what if I love them, and they don't love me back? How can I handle that AGAIN after my last love died so similarly?!"

I remember sitting on the couch, cuddling with kids, and I felt perfect. Felt like I was where I needed to be, right at that moment. Soooo many times before that, I had wanted to tell him I loved him. I'd open my mouth, yet, stopped myself; I didn't say it. It wasn't the right time, and although I was sure I knew I did love him, I didn't want to say it then.

A few days passed, and we were in a phone conversation, where we were kinda discussing how we weren't allowed to say that we loved each other because we were worried about the timing of it all. Frustrated, Will decided to call it a night.

Will: Well, it's getting late and I'm tired.
Me: Yah, me too.
Will: Okay. Well, goodnight then. And just so you know, I do love you. OkayIgottago,goodnight!

*pause*
Me: uh. WHAT?! *smiles, butterflies and shock take over.*
Will: Yah. uh. Talk to you tomorrow, kay?
Me: *giggles* okay. Goodnight.

I smiled all night. He loved me. I knew he did, but saying it was different. And hearing it was rapturous.

Another day, a few weeks later. Another phone conversation.

Will: *finishing a conversation about something totally banal, when I cut him off:*
Me: I love you.
Will: *pause* Just like that, eh?
Me: Yah. Just like that!
*pause*- I start kinda worrying that I've wierded him out.

Will: Well, it's about freaking time!!! *laugh*


I hung up the phone that night, expecting to regret saying it. But instead, I just wanted to shout it from the rooftops. Only one other time in my life had saying "I love you" for the first time ever made it into my memory. And I had said it more than twice, believe me. This, though, this was... perfect. It was awesome and sensational and if it culminates me ever falling in love again (here's hoping I don't have to) I'm happy knowing that it could be this incredible.