There's a delicate balance I need to figure out, so I'm opening up the floor to you wiser peoples for your opinions.
How much of your OLD relationship do you bring into a new one?
- How much is inevitable? Do bad habits ALWAYS stay, no matter how hard you try? If you're bound and determined to change them, don't you kinda always have to have them on your mind? And are some things just impossible, as hard as you try, to change about yourself? Engrained into your soul, part of you? How much SHOULD you bring in?
- Like, do you start AGAIN, clean slate, and it doesn't matter what happened in the past? Or what others thought. Or what happened before you came along? What was said? What went wrong? What was done? Do you need to know their previous story about their past relationship to know if you can handle that in the future? Do you need BOTH sides of the story?
Are you better off knowing? or is ignorance really bliss? Does ones past always foretell the future?
*it's Wednesday. Don't forget word verification!!!*
12 comments:
Intimacy begins with full honesty. It's funny the things that you miss when they are gone. You don't miss the litle imperfections.
The little idiosyncrasies that only I know about, that's what makes her my wife, thats what I miss.
And, she has the goods on me too, she knows all my little peccadilloes. People call these things imperfections, but there not. Ah, that's the good stuff.
My sister still struggles with some results of full disclosure. Her husband disclosed intimate sexual details regarding him and his ex-wife. It seems the ex-wife is always in the bedroom with them during sex due to these comments. The husband has long ago forgotten this but in her mind it's festering. My sis can't get it out of her head. This is a lesson about sometimes: KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!
I agree with Anonymous. I have ad many previous relationships--not marriages--before my husband but I was his first girlfriend, and his first kiss. I don't say anything about my old realtionships to him--I feel it's not fair.
I think some habits are exceedingly hard to break... but whether you'll be able to break them or not depends on WHY you're making the attempt. If you are changing because YOU consider it a bad habit, and because that behaviour or thought pattern would not serve YOU, regardless of who you were or were not with, then you have a very good chance of success. If you're changing it (even with good intentions) for the purpose of pleasing/helping someone else, then your chances are slim. Possible, but slim. Remember, too, that some things that we consider "habits" might also be tied to facets of our personality... they may be harder to separate from, because they're not solely behavioural.
On the "how much knowing is too much knowing" front, I'm conflicted, too. For me, I have always been uncomfortable with the concept of secrets. If you're keeping something from me, there's probably an equally good reason that you SHOULDN'T be keeping it from me! LOL! And in relationships, I tend to err on the side of sharing more than most, because I believe that those few people I choose to share with are the ones who I trust to know as much of me as possible - warts, failings, fears, scars and all. They are also the ones I share my most proud and happiest moments with - I have a weird habit of not sharing the best of the best with most people, either. (Strange.)
But, as it almost always goes, I also have a flip-side to this tendency to over-share: A bad reaction to knowing too many details about my significant other's past sexual relationships. Now, to be fair, this was NOT done in comparison, or in a mean way - he just truly didn't realize that I would react the way I did. (And neither did I!) So in the end, we had to agree to not talk about those particular details, because I was totally not OK with that part of the discussion. That topic aside, there is very little that I don't know about his relationship past, and nothing I can think of that he doesn't know about mine, and we like it that way. It isn't always comfortable, but it has helped us to realize why we act and react in certain ways, and what expectations we have that may be based on past actions and people, instead of current patterns and partners.
In general, (IMO) ignorance isn't actually bliss... it's just a temporary illusion. And yes, the actions of the past CAN be a glimpse into the future. And that's simply because we're human, and we are really good at not changing! But the optimistic part of me believes that change is possible. It just depends on why, and who...
Word verification: ranint
Def: what a little kid says when they push the shopping cart into a tower of something in the store - "I ranint".
Interesting...
I have more of a "past" than my hubby does in the relationship department, but he knows everything he wants to know. We have a very open policy. He knows that there is NOTHING I would keep from him if he WANTS to know - but the flipside of that is "be careful what you ask for" - if he does ask me something out of curiosity, HE has to be prepared for my honest response. He cannot then use it as a weapon if it hurts him, he asked after all.
However, when we do "share", we also have the right to change our minds. And you have to know yourself well enough to know what is going, or starting, to bug you more than you first thought. Then we just say, "never mind - I don't want to know" and conversation is over. Sometimes just knowing they WOULD tell you if you asked is enough. We don't always want to hear it, but that is different than something being kept from us by someone we care deeply about. It kind of feels like your keeping something "special" in your heart from a past relationship - and that can hurt.
As far as needing to know all the "bad" stuff, like the break up etc... some things (addictions, abuse, even cheating) ABSOLUTELY as they show patterns of behavior that could affect a new relationship. But all that other STUFF? Couples are like chemical reactions. Some bring out the best in each other, some bring out the worst.
Example:
Person A + Person B = lovely perfume
Person A + Person C = STINK BOMB
The first relationship would never produce the second's result. Get it? I don't think that kind of stuff needs to be shared.
I don't have as much experience in relationships as most of the other people who will read this, but I will add my two cents.
Some things are inevitable because of your past experience and overall knowledge. But remember that he's got bad habits too. The ticket is to work together to either embrace them or eliminate them. As for still having them around and not liking them, it seems more like an insecurity issue.
What did you learn from the past? What did you realize you did all the time and don't want to do anymore, but it sneaks up on you anyway? How much are you able to open up to him about what it is? In my relationship I'm the one that's more open and honest without being asked. If I feel like he doesn't want to tell me some of his past, or things he's done, I don't feel neglected, but I try to understand where he comes from, as I expect he does the same for me. I believe that both sides of the story ARE important, if you want to help each other. You can't just start clean because like I had said earlier, you have imperfections, bad habits and insecurities. Maybe they never get fixed, but he should know what goes through your head if it's strong enough that you think about it often enough that it would hinder your communication with him in the long run.
Phew!! Hope that helps, sis.
Neskid: a child that loves nestle chocolate milk a little too much.
I totally agree with Erin, both in that open honesty is key, but that does not mean that everything has to be shared, and that each relations ship is unique; how one concluded does not necessarily have an impact on how an other will develop (not counting the bad stuff, like abuse, cheating, addictions, etc.).
Regarding bad habits, I honestly think people can always change, if the will is there. We are not victims to our life, we are in the driver's seat.
You know Babe...I would LOVE to comment on this. But I'm thinking I'm about to go thru the same thing.
I do know that in my first marriage I disclosed EVERYTHING to him about my past. Lovely thing about that is he went to his lawyer and shared it with her AND his mother and found a way to use it against me.
So now I know that next time. I'm not going to say much. Sadly I got punched in the face for being honest, but I will share what needs to be. I have no problem being open and honest. But I am going to say "maybe another time".
Throw my past in my face once shame on you. Disclose my past again to someone new twice (shame on me).
I love you. You do what's best for you! What WILL be WILL be. You are amazing.
word verification: Kasier
definition: What they call a brazier once you pass size K.
Wow that is a tough question. I think we are a product of everything that we have ever experienced, and therefore you really can't have a "clean slate" so to say. However that doesn't have to be a bad thing does it?
I like what a previous person said above, that those little things about us that we'd only let those "closest" to us know- That's the good stuff! That's the "real" and I think that is what gives a relationship the strongest foundation.
Plus I think that one can overcome bad habits. Definately! If we couldn't overcome bad habits we'd ALL be in trouble. That said, I'd much rather have a loving person in my court while I struggle to overcome.
I think ideally we take the lessons we've learned and leave the mistakes behind, as much as we can...
Easier said than done, of course.
Well I think ya gotta know what you're working with. That way there are no surprises later on that could cause problems. So I would think knowing is good.
Word: Staencoa
Def: The period of time that you are not breathing right before you sneeze.
Oh man, I have the greatest word verification for anyone who has ever been in the hospital!!
DAMNICU
Or...
what you say under your breath to the stalker right outside your window who watches you undress.
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