Another One Bites the Dust

Chris called this morning for some info that I keep in my wallet. Which was in my purse. Which was in the car. Which, yes, was in the garage. ... the very same garage with 8 traps set up!!! 8!! He laughed at me as I exclaimed how badly I didn't want to go into the garage...lol. First 4 traps I see are still set and baited. They're the ones I expected to have caught something in first, as they're nearest to where Mighty was caught. Next 2, still good. I've also caught a mouse near there before. Next one- GAH!!! Dead mouse! Ew ew ew ew ew ew. I put the trap there, but TOTALLY thought it was a dumb spot. Apparently not! I freaked out on the phone, Chris laughing his butt off at me. LOL I know he truly loved me once, because he said that when he comes over later, he'll take care of it for me. What a sweetie. But I told him I'd do it. And I will. Before he comes. Because I have to do that FOR ME-- and a little to prove to him I don't NEED him in that way anymore.
One down.

Doing it for me. Because I don't need him. But last night, I really did. This post is gonna be a bit verbal-diarrhea-ish and possibly hard to follow, but I need to release stuff, and this is my outlet right now.

In the course of a few days, I realized I've been out of touch with my feelings again. I was putting them aside, and putting on a mask of 'everything's good' again. I am disappointed in myself for doing that, as, until now, I've been making a conscious effort to let each feeling run its course. In letting things run their course, I also need to be pretty flexible in recognizing when the first feeling is over and the next feeling has emerged-- even if I'm not mentally or physically (spiritually, temporally, socially) ready to face and embrace it. I wasn't ready for the feelings of last night, but they hit hard.

I got really lonely. I sat back and saw how things in my recent past have been somewhat masking my TRUE emotions... even though it was a completely unintentional, unconscious thing. And it came down on me yesterday.

I think that there's a bit of stress in my life right now that's adding to this instability in my ever-so-calculated emotional state. (right... I'm SOOOO stable! HAHAH, that's a good one) I think that Friday is a much bigger day than I anticipate. Friday I leave for B@@bapalooza- And although I still feel confident about that decision in life right now, there's so many 'what ifs' that are stressing me. Secondly, Uncle moves out. More on that in a sec.

B@@bapalooza:
I worry about getting there and being told I'm not a good candidate for the simple augmentation, being told that without a lift as well, I won't get results I desire, and having to go home empty-chested. (lol.. sorry, that was too good to pass up) I WON'T agree to the lift because I don't have weeks of recovery time-- I have days. Days that an augmentation would be sufficient with, but not a lift. I don't have the money for a lift. I mean, I *DO*, but then ALL financial 'security' I'm building would start at zero-balance again, and I'm not cool with that uncertainty at this junction of life. I don't know how I'd feel about the scars, either. Small point, but it's there.

Uncle:
Uncle has lived here for 2 years. For 2 years I've dealt with his annoying habits, his tedious attention to peeling ALL THE WHITE off of EVERY SEGMENT in mandarine oranges (kill me now! lol), his dirt, his grime, his utterly disgusting diet and refusal to eat certain foods or even 5-minute old 'left overs'. GRRRR.
Yep. Lived with someone else parenting my children when I'm standing RIGHT there-- in my own home. Someone else logged into sites I can't STAND or erasing passwords and account numbers I don't know off by heart because we share a computer. Someone parked in dumb spots at dumb times. Leaving lights on. Leaving food out.
And I hate that he's leaving. I'm gonna miss him sooo much. It's really crashing down on me lately-- I will NOT have a man in the house. I will NOT have someone taller to change the lightbulbs I can't reach in this stupid house with lofty ceilings that Chris designed... I won't have someone here to 'watch the kids sleep' while I go out for hours at a time to recoup with my girlfriends on walks until midnight or so. GV night? Possibly won't be attending unless everyone comes here EVERY time-- how lame will that get after a month! But mostly, I'm gonna miss HIM! His humour, his love, his patience.

Last night I needed Chris. But not Chris himself. I needed what he was to me once. I needed to feel loved as a woman. To feel male arms around me, comforting me that I'm safe and okay and loved. I still need that today, apparently, because as I typed that simple sentence, tears welled up again and fell down my cheeks. I know I don't need a man-- it's not like that. I just love to love. I love to give that part of myself-- I realized last night that that's why I haven't ever been 'alone' much in life. I love to be in a relationship, and now that I'm not, and can't really be, it's a new 'feeling' I'm unaware of. I know how to deal with emotions-- but this one is new. And I wasn't prepared for it. I dont' like it. I don't even know how I WANT to react to it, either.

I needed a hug. No prayer or pillows sufficed last night. So, with my heart in my hands, I took the kids out to buy a new movie. I went on a date with three cuties. Bought this movie and sat with my three monkeys on the floor with the lights off, in our jammies and with our blankies. Cuddled the three of them on the floor, hoping that my physical need would be satiated. It was really sweet, and I needed it.

But, bedtimes passed and light grew dimmer, and I went to bed with a book my sister, Lola so lovingly bought for me recently. Not that it's a particularly SAD book, but it's poignant and relates to how I am feeling. And some of the scriptural or spiritual references to things were what I needed. But the feelings of emptiness were only magnified in that bedroom. I even contemplated moving the furniture again. Instead, I just let myself cry. And, once that ran its course, I opened my bedroom door, called out for Uncle, and he came into my room. Crying, I asked him for a hug, and we sat there, hugging for about 10 minutes-- no short of an exageration. We spoke while we hugged, and it was a touching moment for the two of us.

I'd write what was spoken, but I think I'll keep that one for myself. I will miss him. I am glad to have had him here to make the transition easier. And I am glad to face the next step more alone now that I've had a bit of time to catch my breath. But I'll miss him.

And with school starting in a few weeks, I'm worried about the transition to the new, more structured school for the kids. And we're potty-training right before I leave my kids with my parents and their new house-- I'm stressed that my kids will wreck something or pee on something or act disobediently or crabbily... I'm worried I'll be stressing my parents out since they haven't quite recovered from THIS!!

I'm worried about keeping the dayhome full enough. I'm stressed about the divorce proceedings-- this Saturday is the day of "breathe" since Chris can no longer contest the grounds for divorce. He won't anyways, but still, I'll breathe a bit easier once that day comes. Then we file new forms, and leave it in the hands of judges and legal proceedings that I have NO control over. (Oh, AND the mediation meeting)

I stress about dating and about self-image and about my weight and about and about and about. But that's something I think EVERYONE deals with in one way or another. So I'm not special in that regard.

I cried heartily last night when the scripture from D&C 121: 7-9 was in the book. " My son, ^apeace be unto thy soul; thine ^badversity and thine afflictions shall be but a ^csmall moment;

8 And then, if thou ^aendure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy ^bfoes.

9 Thy ^afriends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands."

I remember that this scripture was one that my father first found after my brother's death, and how much comfort he found in it. I don't know why, but since hearing about that story, that scripture has comforted me more too. And last night, I needed that scripture right then.

But know what I needed more this morning!? (apart from catching Mighty? ;) ) I stepped on my scale.
139 baby!!!!!!!! I SAW The line of 140, and it was on the RIGHT side of the marker! 139! I did it-- just like I said-- a day (or 7) before b@@bapalooza. And I shall leave this depressing and long-winded post on that happy note. ;)