My Personal YoYo: Take your Cue.

Yesterday was the proverbial 'yoyo' day. Cue bad mood...Started off really crappy, seeing as I didn't sleep AT ALL the night before. I couldn't make my head shut up-- no matter what I thought of, or said to myself, or how tired I was... nothing was working. I slept SOOO bad. Couldn't even get to bed until midnight, then tossed and turned, LITERALLY until 1:30. Woke up again at 3.. tossed and turned FOR REAL until about 4:30...got to sleepish until 6. Needless to say, I was tired. And it was the last day for a Redbull!! Sooo, knowing that, it probably won't help me and my tiredness today! (we'll come back to why I'm so tired today in a bit!) I will miss you today, RedBull. I'd BETTER get these boobs-- or this fasting of Redbull will be for naught. lol

So, I messaged my girlfriends, told them about my sleepless night and WHAT was going through my head. Got their opinions and support on the issue, and started to feel a BIT better. Cue mood up!

I've got a friend who's mad at me or something-- I can't really tell because, quite uncharacteristically, they're not emailing me back. I'm confused and hurt by the actions of this person, to the point that it's actually upsetting me. And we're not even that good of friends. I hate people being mad/angry with me. I hate thinking I've hurt someone or something, and hate it MORE when I don't know what I did or how to apologize for it. I still haven't decided how to address this-- I'm giving a bit of space that maybe they're wanting, and we'll just see what happens after that. Hopefully, whatever I did (or didn't do... or whatever) doesn't make me lose a friendship that I've enjoyed. So yah, that was upsetting yesterday too. Cue down mood.

Then, a bit later, I got a phone call from MC, who really helped alleviate my anxiety too. I love you, girly! Cue UP mood.

I didn't have an appetite AT ALL. So I was tired and going on NO food. No, that's NOT a reason to be excited that I'm down to 137, but the evil part of me isn't crying about it either! lol

I finally got a hold on myself, when my mother-in-law phoned. I wasn't ready for that. She's wonderful, as I've mentioned before, and I enjoy her and love her immensely. But to tell her how I was doing was really scary- I didn't want to admit it to people on 'Chris's side'. I didn't want HIM to know I wasn't doing well. And so, after her phone call and my buckets of tears, yes, we cue the moment my mood fell back down.

Cue job interview and girlfriends again. Put me in a better mood. I stress a little less about money now, as I was 'hired' by this lady on the spot, making my dayhome FULL. To top it off, a dayhome child that I THOUGHT was leaving in December, ISN'T any more. So, that child I agreed to in January to 'fill his spot', will put me into a bit of a crazy situation. But we'll see- things change, as I've said before. But at least my stress about stuff like that was minimized.

Cue email from a mother of a dear ex of mine. (I use Ex lightly). He's doing really terribly in life right now, and no one has really heard from him. I am really really saddened by this information. Really. He was the one in jail, who was turning his life around so well when he got out. My heart will always love him, and it breaks for his mother and family and of course, for his choices. I hope he stays safe and hope that someday soon he'll contact me. Cue sadness again.

Cue Chris over for dinner and to take the kids for a walk. I told him I wasn't ready to be around him today, that I'm not doing 'well' lately. I left to get some banking done while he played with the kids, and then we all stood around outside until nearly 9:30 pm with everyone's kids running around, talking in a circle with a few neighbours. They're great neighbours, we're very lucky that way. And they're fun, so, once again, the yoyo effect takes it's toll, and I am in a better mood.

As the kids get put to bed, I get ready to say goodbye to Chris. We stood at the door, talking for a while. He knew something was really wrong, because at one point, he asked if I'd rather sit on the couch and chat. I agreed. We talked for a few hours before Uncle came in the door. It was hard to feel like we could talk without being heard, so we hopped into Chris' car and spent most of the night talking about everything that's bothering me and him. Better yet, I finally got a hug. Yes, *I* asked for it-- kinda... I guess, it's better to admit that I 'went in' for the hug. He knew not to ask me for one anyways, as I had told him that a while ago. I can't express things here-- there's too much that was said, too much that was discussed, and too much that was felt. One thing I'll share: When discussing why I'm upset lately, I told him that I hate that I care so much. And he asked why I hate that.

I sat there for a second, then laughed to myself a bit. He's right. I shouldn't hate that I care. I'm proud that I care. And, the lightbulb went off-- the things that are bothering me lately-- I need to remember that it's OKAY to care about them. It's funny. Later in the evening/morning, he said, "I know you, but I feel like I don't know you". And he's totally right-- he knows me better than anyone-- my looks, my body language.. (and I him-- as I called him on it last night-- he 'sighs' everytime he finishes an internal thought.. lol) he knows me, and I him, but we've changed a lot in the past 3 months.

I think last night has helped me through a bit of the slump. I think something as simple as his hug was all I needed. But, more importantly, I think that the conversation was MOST important. Now you know why I'm sooooo tired today-- we were talking for so long last night that I only got about an HOUR of sleep.

Worth the sacrifice. Cue mood up.