A, B, C, D, E, ...G, H, I

Talking on the phone to Will. The other line beeps in. I recognize the number.

*Commence heart racing.*

D: Oh Crap. Hey, can I call you back? It's EF.
Will: yah, okay.

*click*
D: Hello?
EF: Hey!
D: uh, how are you?
EF: Good. You?
D: well, I called the other day because I wanted to apologize for you feeling uncomfortable the other day.
EF: *laughs* well, YOU didn't do anything.
D: technically, no, but I am sorry that it didn't work out the way it should have. I knew he was going to talk to you, but I had kinda thought that you'd be the one to decide if that happened or not. I'm sorry that wasn't your choice, and you felt upsetted by it.
EF: Thanks. No, I wouldn't have ever called him.
D: well, that was your choice. I'm sorry you didn't get to make it.
...
...
..
But, the other thing *commence shaking and rambling* is that, ... well... I don't know what you know. Well, seeing as I haven't talked to you since I saw you last, I know you DON'T know. But the papers are in, and Chris and I are divorcing in a few weeks. He's out of the house now Pretty much after you left (on vacation)-- nearly, RIGHT after.
EF: WHAT? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know, no, but last time I was here, I thought you two were trying to work it through.
D: well, that's just it. The last time you were here, I pretty much realized that I couldn't have him around. Having him around was a constant reminder of pain. I love him, and it's not because he did anything wrong, but... I need to move on and having him here doesn't let that happen. *Big breath. Commence silent tears and more shaking, voice faltering. * Which is why I need you out too. I mean, I love you, and... I just... I'm shaking like crazy... I just... but seeing you reminded me of that pain.
EF: just seeing my face?
D: no. Having the kids back in the home... just... everything. I reread my journal from that time, too, and realized that I was in the same place emotionally then as I was now. I mean, I had gone through so much, and grown in lots of ways, but that I was still no further ahead. And that wasn't okay with me. I realized that, although I honestly do forgive you, and love you, *commence out loud crying now, sniffing, voice still shaking and cracking* and will miss you like crazy, I realize you're a part of my life I need out. Like Chris, you are a reminder of that pain.
EF: it's okay, hun. It's probably better for both of us in order to progress in our lives.
D: yah. I enjoyed our friendship a lot, but kinda know, and... I'm trying to be nice and not offensive because I don't want that... but that our friendship wasn't what I thought it was anyways.
EF: I know. It is now, though.
D: I know. When you called to tell me he called, I really appreciated that, and knew that our friendship was different. Which is why I don't think I was able to tell you then, when I should have.
...
...
*tears*
I'm so sorry. I've never told anyone to get out of my life, and I love you and this is really upsetting me. I'm sorry I couldn't be that friend you need.

EF: No, I understand. Hey, don't worry, hun. It wasn't your fault. ...

But I will wave at you, or say hello, if we happen to pass each other on the street or something.

*silence*

D: I can be friendly. There's no reason not to be. But I don't want you to phone me, or try to set up dates with the kids or anything.
EF: Okay. I love you too. And, don't worry. You can always change your mind later. Who knows.

*Crying*
D: I gotta go. I'm sorry. I love you.

*Click*


The shaking has still not stopped.