"Twink-twink twinkle twinkle-- stupid little star"

I've made a few choices, and in the past few days, I've seen other's choices and how their lives have been affected. I have felt 'attacked' and judged. I have also probably attacked and judged others. So, I stand here on an upside-down soapbox with a mirror in front of my face.

Sometimes its good for ALL OF US to remember, no matter the choices or situations in our lives, that there's a lesson to be learned from a simple children's story.

THE SNEETCHES

by Dr. Suess

Now the Star-bellied Sneetches had bellies with stars.
The Plain-bellied Sneetches had none upon thars.
The stars weren't so big; they were really quite small.
You would think such a thing wouldn't matter at all.
But because they had stars, all the Star-bellied Sneetches
would brag, "We're the best kind of Sneetch on the beaches."

With their snoots in the air, they would sniff and they'd snort, "
We'll have nothing to do with the plain-bellied sort."
And whenever they met some, when they were out walking,
they'd hike right on past them without even talking.

When the Star-bellied children went out to play ball,
could the Plain-bellies join in their game? Not at all!
You could only play ball if your bellies had stars,
and the Plain-bellied children had none upon thars.

When the Star-bellied Sneetches had frankfurter roasts,
or picnics or parties or marshmallow toasts,
they never invited the Plain-bellied Sneetches.
Left them out cold in the dark of the beaches.
Kept them away; never let them come near,
and that's how they treated them year after year.

Then one day, it seems, while the Plain-bellied Sneetches
were moping, just moping alone on the beaches,
sitting there, wishing their bellies had stars,
up zipped a stranger in the strangest of cars.

"My friends, " he announced in a voice clear and keen,
"My name is Sylvester McMonkey McBean.
I've heard of your troubles; I've heard you're unhappy.
But I can fix that; I'm the fix-it-up chappie.
I've come here to help you; I have what you need.
My prices are low, and I work with great speed,
and my work is one hundred per cent guaranteed."

Then quickly, Sylvester McMonkey McBean
put together a very peculiar machine.
Then he said, "You want stars like a Star-bellied Sneetch?
My friends, you can have them . . . . for three dollars each.
Just hand me your money and climb on aboard."

They clambered inside and the big machine roared.
It bonked. It clonked. It jerked. It berked.
It bopped them around, but the thing really worked.
When the Plain-bellied Sneetches popped out, they had stars!
They actually did, they had stars upon thars!

Then they yelled at the ones who had stars from the start,
"We're exactly like you; you can't tell us apart.
We're all just the same now, you snooty old smarties.
Now we can come to your frankfurter parties!"

"Good grief!" groaned the one who had stars from the first.
"We're still the best Sneetches, and they are the worst.
But how in the world will we know," they all frowned,
"if which kind is what or the other way 'round?"

Then up stepped McBean with a very sly wink, and he said,
"Things are not quite as bad as you think.
You don't know who's who, that is perfectly true.
But come with me, friends, do you know what I'll do?
I'll make you again the best Sneetches on beaches,
and all it will cost you is ten dollars eaches.

Belly stars are no longer in style, " said McBean.
"What you need is a trip through my stars-off machine.
This wondrous contraption will take off your stars,
so you won't look like Sneetches who have them on thars."

That handy machine, working very precisely,
removed all the stars from their bellies quite nicely.
Then, with snoots in the air, they paraded about.
They opened their beaks and proceeded to shout,
"We now know who's who, and there isn't a doubt,
the best kind of Sneetches are Sneetches without."

Then, of course those with stars all got frightfully mad.
To be wearing a star now was frightfully bad.
Then, of course old Sylvester McMonkey McBean
invited them into his stars-off machine.
Then, of course from then on, you can probably guess,
things really got into a horrible mess.

All the rest of the day on those wild screaming beaches,
the Fix-it-up-Chappie was fixing up Sneetches.
Off again, on again, in again, out again,
through the machine and back round about again,
still paying money, still running through,
changing their stars every minute or two,
until neither the Plain- nor the Star-bellies knew
whether this one was that one or that one was this one
or which one was what one or what one was who!

Then, when every last cent of their money was spent,
the Fix-It-Up-Chappie packed up and he went.
And he laughed as he drove in his car up the beach,
"They never will learn; no, you can't teach a Sneetch!"

But McBean was quite wrong, I'm quite happy to say,
the Sneetches got quite a bit smarter that day.
That day, they decided that Sneetches are Sneetches,
and no kind of Sneetch is the BEST on the beaches.
That day, all the Sneetches forgot about stars,
and whether they had one or not upon thars.

In Reply

I know-- I should be replying on the thread this all came from, but, once I started typing, I realized the reply was WAY too long, so I'll just post it here. Besides, there may be others who are confused.


In reply to (Anon #3): I think I've confused people, or else people are assuming things. Chris only SLEPT with one other woman- EF. He never said he loved her, and she knew he was married and with me. Somewhat surprisingly to some, he didn't tell her those things you suggested he said- both he and she (and the emails between them) have told me that. There was strictly physical attraction on his part, although she CONSTANTLY asked him to say those types of things to her and SHE SAID THEM. He never did.

He kissed and made out with other women, yes. Which is still cheating. But a one-night thing at the bar would NOT have him telling them he loved them and needed them to make his life better. So, no, he never told the 'other women' how much they completed his life. in that way, he wasn't cheating on the other women. Only on me.

(he *NEVER* had sex with a hooker-- I'm WAY confused as to where that came from!? If I alluded to that, I apologize for the confusion. But EW. no.)

Anon asked what my children will be seeing. They see him love me. They see him hug me. And hugs are something I'd want EVERYONE to have. My children will see, in spite of bad choices of their parents and everything we've done or said, that adults can get along. I have a FIERCE determination to show them how to forgive- and by not holding a grudge or saying snide comments, they will see that. They will see, in the future when they realize what their father did, that their mother rose above it. And I'm selfish and I want them to think of me that way. :) They'll know that they're loved, and that, no matter what we think of each other, Chris and I will be the BEST examples of a 'healthy divorce' that we know how to be. I know it's hard to understand, but we're doing everything 'right' according to the professionals AND MOST IMPORTANTLY ACCORDING TO US! And our kids will see that. I dated a man who is divorced who remained fairly close to his ex. I was too young to appreciate how difficult that would have been for them, but he and his ex are likely the examples *I* follow in my own divorce. Different situations, yes, but in general, a FAR better approach than the families who hate each other.

Anon#4, I'm not bitter. And I hope never to be. I know that sometimes I write things (and think things) that seem bitter-- but I hope that everyone knows that I'm not bitter. at least, *I* don't feel bitter. And you're right- he IS the father of my children.

Because of that, I will ALWAYS love him- as jerk-ish as some of his actions may have been, he is NOT the monster it's easier to believe him to be. We all know I loved him for a reason, and I'd like to think that in spite of my naivety or blindness or ostrich-syndrome as a 20-year old girl, that I saw the wonderful man and father he is and CAN BE the day I married him. I wouldn't EVER change that choice- I'd marry him January 13th, 2001 all over again even if I knew what was ahead.

When you love someone, I mean, TRULY love them... you always love them.

Comfort Zones Are Meant To Be Broken

Okay. I had a crazy, eventful weekend full of "firsts" or stepping out of personal comfort zones. A weekend of serious talking, of trying new things and of defining friendships.

Friday night, Chris and I spent some time together. We watched a movie, ate food, and in general, just chilled. We talked about things again, but this time we took some actions to explore how they affected our marriage and decide what we think of them NOW compared to when we were together. I had an experience with him I had kinda been thinking about for a while. (and no, it's not sex- which is what I'm sure one or two of you are thinking) It was nice. nothing like what I assumed it to be like, but good just the same.

Saturday was Bear's investiture for Beavers (he gets his tail and scarf for his uniform). It was GORGEOUS outside, and I took advantage of getting a few new photos taken of the kids and I. I just simply love the colours of fall. And being outside at Fish Creek Park during a perfect Saturday was icing on my cake. Of course, Bear was a bit of a bum about the whole thing. ANYTIME he is in a situation that's new to him, he shies away from others and pouts about having to do ANYTHING. It took him a good few hours before he even REMOTELY joined his colony in the activities, which, you can see here-- he was pretty tentative about doing. Who doesn't like making 'rain' and singing "Ging Gang Goolie"?! And then he cried when we said we were leaving. ???? I don't get it either. But the leaders there all make such a good effort to include him and make him feel wanted, and I am truly loving them for that. This program is phenomenal and I feel extremely privileged to have access to this for my children's' sakes.

After heading out for lunch, and having naps, Gramma showed up for a few minutes after her OWN Scouting meetings, which is always nice. We love living closer to family. LL spent a good few hours with the neighbourhood children finding ladybugs-- which, lemme tell ya, was pretty cool. And gross. I don't know if you can see how many they found- but probably close to 100 are in this tiny container- no short of a lie! I like ladybugs... but THIS many ladybugs is kinda gross.

After letting them go "home to their families", we took off to a dinner appointment with our friends. It was a blast. They're really fun to hang out with, and the four of us (Chris and I and them two) get along really naturally. We hadn't really done that in a few years, and it's nice to know that time didn't matter. We were just as good friends as we always were. It was sooo fun to stay up until the wee hours of the morning just playing and laughing and having fun together. We ended up sleeping there, as the kids had gone to bed LONG ago, and Chris and I were so tired and in NO position to drive home.

Sunday was again relaxed. My good friend had told me he'd be coming into town on the weekend, so he showed up on Sunday afternoon. Wasn't AT ALL what I expected, as he's really sick and needs a place to get better for a few days. So, I'll be nursing my friend back to 'something' of health. Chris will be staying here for the week to help me, as taking care of a sick adult AND the kids is a bit stressful on me, seeing as I'm unprepared for that. I feel pretty good about the fact that he felt comfortable enough to want to come to me for help. And I'm thankful that Chris is understanding and loving and mindful of my needs AND my friend's needs-- supplying clothes and stuff for my guy-friend who practically has nothing to begin with, and being willing to stay here to help. I guess I see where Bear gets it from-- stepping out of my comfort zone isn't too hard for me, but going against my 'routine' really challenges me. And, having a male adult in my house that isn't family totally freaks me out! LOL I know, I'm so silly. But still, I feel safer with Chris here-- which is funny, because my friend would NEVER do anything to harm me or the family. But it's a mental thing that I'm kinda dumb about.

I spent most of the weekend truly evaluating how I feel about practically everything in my life. I appreciated everyone's thoughts on the post the other day. I think I agree with EVERY opinion, to an extent. I mean, I see both sides. Now I need to see what I feel about seeing those sides, and what I want to see versus what I SHOULD see. Other than my kids, I'm finding that divorce really challenges everything I've thought I knew I was sure about. I talked with a mother of a boy my age who also went through a divorce a few years ago. She and I realize that he's really doing the same thing in his life- and, after talking with yet ANOTHER person about it, that that's probably par for the course. And I am enjoying figuring those things out-- how do I really feel about myself? About my relationships? About my religion, my future plans, my convictions and morals. I think about my role in other's lives, my role in my extended family. I am soooo excited for what new discoveries lay before me about me. I've never, in all my nearly 28 years, had this much self-evaluation and inner-reflection and personal defining.

I love living with no regrets. With just feeling what I feel when I feel it. Following my heart has taken on a complete new meaning I never understood like this before! and I love it.

For the Future

Dinner time brought some fun revelations. I thought I'd write them here to look back on in years to come.

LL:

• wants to go on a mission. To South America and speak spanish like her Auntie Kiki did.
  
• Wants to get married in the same temple I married Chris in! (lol) I explained that we didnt' get married in a temple. So she said she wants to get married in the Cardston temple.
• Wants to have 10 kids.
  
• Wants to be a police officer. Or a nurse.

Bear:

• Wants to go on a mission. To 'far away'.
• Doesn't want to get married, PERIOD! This slightly freaks me out-- he not only LOOKS like his Daddy...
  
• Doesn't want to have kids.
• He wants to build houses "and stuff".

Mimi:

• wants to go on a mission. To temple square.
• Wants to get married in "big, big temple!!' (FYI: This is the TALLEST temple (Washington, DC). Salt Lake is the biggest temple to date. Other interesting temple facts HERE)
  
• Wants to be a dog. :P
  

Debbi:

• wants to be a nurse.
  
• Wants to get remarried.
  
• Wants to have at least three kids. Let's start with that. :)
  

It's a Day to be Naked

Okay, not literally naked. Although-- that's always a fun day!

No. It's a day to be exposed. To let go of the facades or the fear of 'what people may think'. On top of that, Sin and I are putting "Naked" on the end of every sentence we write to each other on Facebook. Which is getting freaking HILARIOUS!!! It sure makes a mondane Thursday that much funnier! Naked. ;P You should try it naked. It can make some REALLY funny sentences naked. (and, after reading this post, if you insert "NAKED" at the end of the sentences, it's REALLY funny- ie: "I DID teach Chris how to treat me" turns into "I DID teach Chris how to treat me naked". Way funnier, hey?! LOL)

So, on the 'expose yourself' vibe.. here goes. I sat and contemplated for a long time about sharing this, and feel VERY exposed when I write it here. But here goes.

I have a pretty smart sister. Once.. I think it was last week.. we were on the phone, catching up and talking like we do.

Lola: Do you think it's possible that we teach people how to treat us?
Me: NO!! At least, I hope we don't. I don't think I taught Chris to treat me like he did. I don't think so, no.

And we dropped the conversation.

Fast forward to last night, when Chris and I were chatting. We talked about the way we were, what went wrong-- the inevitable talks that really don't help in any way. But, it's kinda cathartic, so I subject myself to it willingly.

We spoke of morals, of guilt, of learning from mistakes.. And then, I had an AHA moment. I DID treat Chris how to treat me.

Here's why:
When we were dating, he cheated on me once. We were dating, he felt that I was leaving him since I was moving to another province, and cheated. I'm the ONLY person he's ever cheated on. When he told me, we talked a long time about it. What it meant to the 'US', what it meant to him and me personally. I told him about BAMM, the only boyfriend I cheated on. I told him how much it broke my heart to have done that to him, and how it was the biggest mistake I ever made. How, in that moment, I wished BAMM would have forgiven me and given me a second chance. He didn't. I vowed to NEVER cheat again, and vowed that, if it so be the case, I would forgive someone who cheats on me. But only once.

Maybe that's dumb to you. But I know what I felt being on the other end, and knew that I wanted to never make someone feel that way.

BUT...

By BAMM not forgiving me, he helped me. He showed me that it's not okay. That he deserved better. And I learned that I NEVER wanted to do that again. And I never have.

I robbed Chris of that experience by forgiving him the first time. I TAUGHT him that it's okay to do that to me, because it was okay the first time. I taught him that. I sat there, telling him about this lightbulb moment, and we fell silent in thought, looking at each other. I taught him that it was okay to treat me like that.

After a bit of time, he tilts his head,
Chris: I wonder how I taught you to treat me the ways you did.
Me: *shrugs*.. I dunno.
Chris: will you reteach me?




Silence.

Wednesday Ws

Who: every single dayhome child
What: was in a cranky mood
Where: ALL OVER THE HOUSE!
When: the entire day, yesterday
Why: something crabby in the air? Who knows!? I swear, by 9:00 AM, I was ready for nap time! I don't know how it's possible that they ALL have a 'bad sleep' the night before, or how they're all feeling a bit 'sick', or whatever. But seriously, yesterday was the day of AHHHHGGHGHHG!

Who: me, and the kids
What: got an hour of running in
Where: around McKenzie Lake
When: last night, while LL was in Brownies
Why: well, my scale is slowly inching the WRONG direction! I will prevail, however. I have started this running thing, and HOPE to continue it during the fall. Running yesterday, pushing the stroller and Bear keeping up on his bike, it was SO nice. Just breathing in the crisp, cooler air. And McKenzie Lake has a lot of mature trees around it, so for most of the run there were some crisp leaves to crunch through. How is anything a better sound than that? I don't know why, but I heard it's because I was BORN in it, but something in me comes alive in the fall. I feel more vibrant and at peace. Every year, without fail, I have this experience. I am a fall baby. I look best in fall colours (my colouring was done a few years back, and I'm a "TRUE SPARKLING AUTUMN") and I'm just happy at fall. I mean, what's not to love?!

Who: MC
What: gave me a GREAT link to a GREAT Play-doh recipe
Where: at THIS LINK
When: a few days ago was when she sent me the recipe, but I made it today
Why: Why'd she send it, or why'd I make it? Well, no matter to either of the options... I mean, I RUN A DAYHOME (so does she) so why else would I make it?! Point is, it's a GREAT recipe, so thanks for sharing MC. Now I share with the world. Took 5 minutes to make, and the playdoh itself is really good.
And, for those who care...
we're up to 10 mighties. Did I always have these mice, and just not notice until I put a million traps out? Or is this a new thing? Oh, and PS-- DON'T fall for that 'radar sound mouse deterant' thingimabob-- OBVIOUSLY it doesn't work!

A New Tune

It's supposed to be a Tuesday Tunes day. But I have no rocking tunes to enlighten you with. Well.. nothing new, nothing angsty, nothing funny. Nothing that's sticking out. BUTTTT, I want to add these songs just because I like them, and they may be something you'll like too.

(These are kinda wedding-ish songs. )

• Since You Said I Do (not a good quality. But if you download it, it's great!)

• Nothing Fancy (again by Dave Barnes. ABSOLUTELY love love love this one!)

• I Have And I Always Will (yep, Mr. Barnes, yet again. Ignore the lame video-- it's the song you want to listen to!)

And then these two songs, because I love them. Sorry there's no link-- they're not on Youtube. So the first video is boring, but just listen to the words.

Sometimes He Lets It Rain- Katherine Nelson When I need to remember, these words help. It's kinda like one of my faves from my girl, Jo Dee (and Tim) "Bring On The Rain" (EDIT-- AFTER FOUR HOURS OF DOWNLOADING THE STUPID VIDEOS I DID, THIS BLOG SITE *STILL* CAN'T UPLOAD THE VIDEOS. SO, THE WORDS ARE HERE, IF YOU WANT THEM.)

She- Cheri Call I know it seems silly. But this song reminds me of my sisters. I wanna learn the guitar to it so I can play this song someday. I made this slideshow-- sorry it's kinda crappy quality. But looking at a blank picture for an entire song twice in a row would drive ME nuts! (EDIT AGAIN-- THIS VIDEO DIDN'T UPLOAD EITHER. AND 6 HOURS OF WAITING IS RECOCKULOUS! SO, IF YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH ME ON FACEBOOK, CHECK IT OUT ON MY WALL. IF NOT, UH.... IMAGINE A REALLY GREAT SONG! LOL WORDS HERE)

In other notes, I finally did it. I got the kids fed, homeworked, and dressed early enough so that I could get in a run. After dinner, we went out (two bikes and a jogging stroller later) and, although it was only a 1/2 hour run (compared to my usual hour), it was nice to do it again. My butt felt it, that's for sure. Tonight I hope to run again while LL's at Brownies. While the fall air gets cooler, it brings me back to my days of running Cross Country in school.

I do miss running on my own, though. It was my pure release. Not worried about the blanket getting caught in the wheels, or which direction to tell the kids to bike, or looking for cars FOR them..I could tune out with the ipod, or just daydream, making up conversations with people or whatever. I understand if you think that's wierd. Whatev. It's my thing.

I had a few 'aha' moments yesterday in conversation with a girlfriend. The same girlfriend whose husband is also emailing me, like I talked about HERE. The wife is OBVIOUSLY oblivious to the fact that her hubby is emailing me, and when I asked him how things are going with the two of them, his reply was FAR differed from hers when I asked her.
On the same day.

But she asked me a good question. A month ago, my answer would have been immediate and obvious. Today, because of the time Chris and I are spending together and enjoying together, my answer needed serious thought. And, even after thinking about it-- I had no answer.
"If you and Chris are getting along so well, and you still love each other, and you admit that most people wouldn't know from the outside that you're divorcing,...
if he decided he wanted to be married, wanted to work it out and begged you to take him back- would you?"

I couldn't answer. I know this is probably another 'phase' that is normal. The 'I want you back' phase. And I know it could change.

I know I've been so sure for so long. And now, I'm cloudy. Ish. And yet, not. And yet, I sit here sometimes, just shaking my head at how he can't see how great we are. I think even he has these feelings, as he told me yesterday that a flirty comment some guy made to me made him jealous. I know, if he did want to get back together and stop the proceedings, that I'd have a hard time making the right choice. Since I don't know what that is. Keep the course? Just to spare my pride, to avoid the 'what are you thinking's' from everyone else with an unwanted opinion. (Vocal or not, people's opinions are fairly evident in the course of this. I can tell by little things they say or do or act) Or, stay together? And avoid the nasty dating scene altogether!? lol

Dancing Queens

I know-- it's well into the afternoon on Monday, and I haven't posted yet. What is the world coming to?! ;P

So, Friday night rocked. It was an eye-opening experience, in a way. I went to dinner with some girlfriends, their hubbies and their kids. I, of course, was alone, as Chris had the kids this weekend. No worries. I hadn't seen Becka for WAY too long, and wasn't even worried about it, since I knew most of the people there already. There wasn't any awkwardness, at least, not on my part.

It was fun to hang out with some really great gals-- having good times and eating yummy foods.

After, a few of us girls hootchie-mamma'd ourselves up, and went clubbing.

PREFACE: I have not entered a club without Chris for ANY reason since before meeting him! So, for 8 years, *if* I went to a club, I had Chris beside me. He knew my 'save me' face. He would dance with me and we had a good rhythm, or he let me dance with someone else. He and I had fun. SOOOO, here I am with girlfriends. 4 of us were married, moms, and slightly verging on cougar age to some of those boys there. (yes, 19 yr old boys abounded.. it was a sad realization that I had armpit hairs older than some of these boys!!!) Sadder yet-- there were a few people there whose gender I couldn't figure out. I'm outta practise on the Tranny-vision. Next thing to go is gay-dar, and you just can't lose that without serious consequenses. Oh, lucky thing I wasn't trying to pick anyone UP that night!

But we danced. And I had a blast. I just love love LOVE dancing, so it was exactly what I wanted and needed. I hope to do it again- it totally rekindled a love of music I miss dearly! There wasn't a whole lot to look at, in regards to hot guys. LOL Which is always a nice bonus, but not important. Eye candy is so underrated! ;P There were a few guys breave enough to try to get into our boob-circle, but it's fun to get all ''tude" on them and 'jock-block' them. Unless they're cute enough.. then we MAY entertain them. For a minute.

Saturday, I cleaned carpets again. Had a nap. And went to our church chili/wings/pie contest. Chris brought the kids, too, so I'm sure we confused a few people at church with him showing up with me. Meh. Whatever. Talking with a girl friend this morning, I'm realizing that the only people who have an issue with Chris and I being together at functions are everyone else!! I think it's sad that we're NOT the norm.

The 21st of September

Do you remember the 21st day of September!?

1992:
I broke my right arm. I did it falling down the steep Terry Fox Run hill, at ten thirty or so. It was very slippery, so as I ran down, I tried to stop myself so my feet slipped and I fell flat on my backside then slid on my back. I landed cross-legged at the bottom of the hill, clenching to my very, very sore arm. At first I was just whimpering, but as soon as I looked at my arm, I said to everyone "I broke my arm". I did it so well that it looked like a "W" in my arm!

1995:
It's already 11:20 pm and I am still tired from yesterday, so I'm going to sign off. Besides, CC is in my room, and I'm just wearing a bra and jeans, so I feel kinda stupid.

1997:
(BAMM) and I decided to take off, so we went for a walk in Fleetwood Park's trails. We sat on a bench, and started making out! People kept walking by, so we decided to leave. We got in his van, parked in a dead end, and made out! :S I don't care any more.
Yeah, well, that's that. I'm really tired this week from all the campaining (for Student Body President) I've had to do. I have no time for anything but making posters or something, so it's quite refreshing to have time to socialize this weekend. The best thing this week (for my campaign) was getting, like, 200 Burger King crowns and stringing them up from the roof in the plaza. It looked sooooo awesome, and I totally got a lot of votes that way!
1999:
Night time... again. I don't know if I'm going to be able to go through 181 more of these if they all feel like this. I can't stand it.
1:43 AM just isn't a good time to be awake and alone, listening to Celine Dion-- now THAT'S true torture... her songs are all about love. "It's all Coming Back To Me Now" ?!!!! Will that be my theme song for March?
March. I think I'm gonna learn to hate that month. Until, of course, it comes. Then I'll love it! :)
If only I could let (him) know I feel even stronger for (him). Stupid as I am, I wonder what (he's) thinking RIGHT now. If (he's) rollerblading in (his) PJs with "Debbi Dick", after some movie (he) went to go see. I knew (his) schedule so well. (He is) supposed to page me anytime... "Hey, I'm at "Debbi Dick's". Call me back. *phone number*"


2000:
Years from now, whoever reads this won't understand what I'm talking about, but there's an ALL-TIME movie, good for every age, called "The Princess Bride". In it, the leading male cries out in pain, and it is heard throughout the land. His comrades recognize it as a cry of someone's heart breaking. I did that.
He said, "goodbye Debbi" and then hung up. I wanted to vomit. Without any knowledge of what was happening, I let out a cry, almost a scream, that I thought woke the entire sleeping world up. It resounded in my own ears louder than a million bolts of lightening and thunder. Someone had just cut me open with something as dull and pencil shavings and gutted EVERYTHING beyond my heart.
He'll never understand this. He'll never know how much I put him into the parts of my life I needed. Each guy I've dated has been put to my 'list' of what I want in a husband. And I've had that list since I was two or three. Although I know some of the qualities I look for, I couldn't write the list if I tried. But I recognize the feelings I want and look for, and I know what I want. BAMM met a lot of those 'pre-requisites', but I NEVER felt done. Until my checklist was put beside Chris.

2005:
In MY opinion, it started on a day in November when I asked him if he'd like to start trying for our next baby. His reply came as another broken promise, and something broke inside me. I hate remembering this time in our lives, and the feelings of betrayal and desperation and loneliness come back too easily for me. Another broken promise-- like the one where he said he'd come to church with me every other Sunday. But this one-- this one in particular hurt me too deeply, and I couldn't even cry. I couldn't do anything.

2006:
Uncle's now living with us, and now that he lives here, he's going to get a much closer look into what I'm talking about on here. Most of it's true! :)

I'm a little sore from the (car) accident that happened last week, mainly in my back and neck. And my hip in cracking like crazy. I'm still working things out with the insurance, and I have Drs appointments and stuff like that, but hopefully soon it will all get worked out.

Aye, pick-me-up, Lad.

'Tis talk like a Pirate day, maties. Avast, me bilge rat and lily-livered squiffy, 'tis not be an easy feat to siege for a land-lubbin' wench like I be.

'Tis also annoying.

I hate this day. A lot of my friends like it, and it drives me nuts!!!

But, me not be no scallywag... I can play along. In lieu of the ever-so-classy pick up line from THIS post a few days ago, I'm posting a few Pirate-inspired pick-up lines for your reading pleasure. (wow, and some FUNKY alliteration just then!) Some are funny.. Others are.. uh.. well, you'll see.

Top Ten Pickup lines for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day

10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?

9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?

8. Come on up and see me urchins.

7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.

6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.

5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?

4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?

3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.

2. Well blow me down?

1. Prepare to be boarded.

Bonus pickup lines (when the ones above don't work, as they often won't)

They don’t call me Long John because my head is so big. (hahaha, that one makes me laugh)

You’re drinking a Salty Dog? How’d you like to try the real thing? (ew.)

Wanna shiver me timbers?

I’ve sailed the seven seas, and you’re the sleekest schooner I’ve ever sighted.

Brwaack! Polly want a cracker? … Oh, wait. That’s for Talk Like a PARROT Day.

That’s the finest pirate booty I’ve ever laid eyes on.

Let's get together and haul some keel.

That’s some treasure chest you’ve got there. (haha, YA IT IS, BABY!! )

Top Ten Pickup Lines for the Lady Pirates

10. What are YOU doing here?

9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)

8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!

7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"

6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!

5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"

4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!

3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!

2. RAMMING SPEED!

1. You. Pants Off. Now!

And, in remembering that post about the Sushi Dude... A little side note: I'm seriously confused with whatever it is I'm 'putting out there'. Wherever "there" is. The universe?!! ANYWHO, there is some sort of magnetic connection between me and old dudes who think it's okay to try to pick me up. I'm not talking a few years older than me, either. I'm talking OLD. Like, old enough to be my father or older! What the Freak!? A la Facebook, a la HOME DEPOT!?! Yah. Home Depot! The old dude was helping me load bags of dirt into the back of my CARSEAT INFESTED, child-ridden van, and still has the audacity to come onto me. No, I'm not making this up in my head. Why would I even WANT to!? Given, the 'audacity' probably had something to do with him being drunk. Yah. Working in the garden centre (with FORKLIFTS and stuff) and drunk. How do I know he was drunk, you ask? It's a sixth sense for me to smell alcohol on a man's breath. (*thinks, technically that's still one of the 5 senses, but whatever) It's hard not to smell booze-breath on a guy who keeps putting his face in yours, no matter how many times you pull your head back. A 'Close Talker'. Blegh.

Okay. I haven't had many pick-up lines used on me. That I knew of. But there's some good ones out there.

Had any good ones used on you!? Used one you thought was perfect?! SHARE!~

20/20 Hindsight

Things I miss!!

1. sex. Let's be serious. It'd be the first thing on your list too, after 8 years.
2. someone else to deal with the Mighties. Ew. That is SO a man's job. I do it, but I hate it.
3. Saturday morning sleep-ins. (technically, I get this every other week, so I'm not totally deprived.)
   
4. Breakfasts....pancakes, french toast, and his specialty-- poachies on toast. MMMM I do NOT make breakfast.
   
5. someone else to giggle with when the kids have temper tantrums or say funny things, or, as in the case of yesterday, someone naked full-moons the neighbours in order to smell the flowers outside.
   
6. WALKING UNTIL MIDNIGHT WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS!!! Man, I miss this.
   
7. knowing how much food to make at mealtimes. I need to get used to this 'me and three kids who eat like birds' thing. It's harder than I thought!
   
8. help with cleaning, cooking, putting kids to bed
9. 'honey, I'm home' kisses on the back of the neck
10. griping about people we mutually get annoyed with, hate, disagree with, etc.
11. someone who laughed at my little idiosyncrasies... but made me laugh at them too.
12. 8 Gothic Vagina night OUT-- where it didn't always have to be at my house. I feel bad for making the girls always trek 1/2 way to California to get here!
13. Work Christmas parties. His jobs were always the funnest Christmas parties. At least, for a stay-at-home mom, they were better than a kick in the pants. (is that a guy-only phrase? Cuz it seems to me it would be, although, lemme tell you guys out there-- kicking a girl in the pants don't feel a whole lot like a tickle-fest either!)
14. Always knowing who I would take to a dinner, a dance, a social (hahah, a social?! What the? Am I 60 years old?! Who goes to things called SOCIALS!?)
15. Someone to hold my hand through a pap smear. And don't you all dare laugh. I'm dead serious.
16. long weekends of travelling to see his family. This can and will still happen, but it's not the same.
17. Someone who understood my lack of mathematical skills, and could help me understand the issue better than ANYONE else
18. the way he smelt/ smelled (?)- and I mean that as in, "Chris smells like roses", instead of "Chris smelt the roses". Clearly. (And let's not let that sentence example delude you-- he did NOT smell like roses!)
    
19. someone else taking out the garbage.
20. cuddling, crying on a shoulder, snuggling in bed, a kiss on the forehead, a hand brushing my hair away from my face, a quick massage of the shoulders while I make dinner... the little 'touches'.
    

Things I DON'T miss!!

1. cheese and crackers all over the clean counters
2. TOTALLY clean laundry in the dirty laundry piles.. thus, laundry takes FOREVER
3. raiding the fridge 10 minutes before dinner's ready!
4. the smell of alcohol breath, the knowledge of how much money was SPENT on that alcohol, and the amount of money spent to get his car home from a 'designated driver service' because of drinking that amount of money through that alcohol. (nope, not bitter about this one)
   
5. going to bed alone, waiting for him to come home until about 4:30 AM! (again, tied to #4, but deserves it's own number for sure!)
   
6. sharing a bank account
7. going to church alone when I didn't have to
8. Freshly made bed with clean sheets, and HE gets in first and untucks all the sheets. GRRRR
9. snoring
10. someone complaining about the messy house while sitting playing video games on the computer!
11. crappy crap TV shows and movies like Blade Trinity, the Matrix, KillBill, Star Trek: Voyager, and Stargate SG1, although I kinda liked that once in a while
12. someone who doesn't know the songs to GREAT musical movies, or has never even SEEN The Sound Of Music!!! SERIOUSLY!?
13. coming home from a vacation/time away without the kids, to a VERY messy house that hasn't been touched ONCE
14. listening to someone's new business idea, or "life long dream" change with the weather. Last I checked, if it was 'life long', it shouldn't be changing.
15. Priorities that differed GREATLY from mine
16. crappy music choices where the singer is usually screaming obscenities. Not saying he needed to like some of the country I like, but we had happy mediums.
17. toenails. clipped. on the floor/table/night stand,..etc. Need I say more? GRRRRR. In all fairness, I leave hair in the drain, which REALLY bothered him (as it should), so I'd say we're even on 'discarded body part issues'.
18. Feeling like I'm intellectually inferior to the "math and science" dude. Or, being asked an english or biology question, only to be told I'm wrong when I can prove it to him. >:X (someday I may talk about this one in more detail, because, MAN, was I mad that day. OOOOHH, wait. I did--but somehow the link I posted doesn't work, so who knows where in the abyss of internet garbage it went.) You know, if I had only known that his reaction was purely guilt over his affair, that would have possibly made things WAY clearer.
    Meh. 20/20 hindsight.
19. Open drawers in the dresser.
20. The incessant "I'm not sure I wanna be married. I don't think I love you. We have nothing in common." conversations. Shoot me now.
    

Wednesday Ws

Who: Master of the House
What: Has a to-do list three miles long
Where: around the house, mainly
When: If I plan properly, they'll be done by the end of the day today
Why: I have a million reasons. One, they need to be done. Two, I have company arriving tomorrow night and they can't sleep on a bed in the basement that has toys and crackers all over it. I tossed and turned last night at 3:30- 4:30 just thinking about all the things I needed to get done.

You know when you start to feel 'behind the 8 ball' (yes, another lame phrase I find a little odd-- wouldn't be being behind the eight ball be a GOOD thing?? You're protected! ) Anyways. I'm starting to feel that way.. that everything is getting a bit behind, and I'm not keeping up. So, I'm off the computer for a bit to get the NEXT job done. In good news, it's 8:30 AM and I've already accomplished one major task off my list! Yay. not a bad start. Of course, it was the one I ENJOY doing! lol Oh, darn-- didn't put "make list" on my list. I'm SO gonna go do that, just to cross off another thing! Gotta love that. :P

Who: Me. Do we ever really talk about others?
What: into a new obsession
Where: sitting at the computer
When: well, technically, the where is also the when.
Why: Okay. First obsession-- window shopping online Victoria's Secret. Uh... er.. Screen shopping?! Well, whatever-- browsing without buying. I am so in love with so much of their stuff. I want this dress a LOT:
with this boot ( which, lucky for impulse-buying me, they are out of stock of)
and the purse seen in the front here. Love.

And second obsession-- finding new blogs. I'm not one to normally blog-jump (ie: find a friends' friend on their blog list, and check out the friend. Then jump from that friends' friend-list to a new person.) I'm finding a few people I find entertaining. And now stalking their blogs. haha. Meh-- if they're like me- they're kinda flattered. Cuz I'm self-absorbed like that, and I just like to tell myself that others are, too, to make myself feel better.

Who: the neighbourhood
What: DIDN'T get evacuated
Where: from our houses
When: yesterday afternoon, although Atco was working on fixing the issue for a while
Why: obviously because the Atco guys are smarter than the construction guys and they fixed it. :) Didn't matter. I still had pizza for supper.

Who: Me
What: Hasn't run
Where: ANYWHERE, not on the treadmill, not outside..
When: um... is it bad if I admit that it's been over a month!?!! eeeeeks!
Why: One month since surgery. So two-three of those weeks I wasn't SUPPOSED to be running. Now I feel gross and fat and I've put on about 4 pounds of nastyness. ew. SOOO unimpressed with myself, and SOOOO missing my walking with my girlfriends at night. And don't you dare mention the pizza I had for supper. That isn't part of this story! :)

Okay, off to do more list stuff. Blah.

Stop to Smell The Roses

Standing in my kitchen, I notice the backdoor screen is open. Mimi is outside, streaking the neighbourhood in the backyard. (and, for those who don't know, this is my backyard--- walking paths and people abound!) I grab a dress and head to the deck. Upon arriving on said deck, I see she's OUTSIDE of the fence, grabbing a football that Bear apparently threw over there. She's trying desperately (with failed attempt) to throw it back over the fence.

Me: Meems, please come get dressed.
Mimi: I'n getting the ball.
Me: Yah, I see that. But you're nekkid.
(still trying relentlessly to throw the ball over the fence)
Me: Hey, how about you just pick it up and bring it through the fence.
(tries about 4 more times. I'm still standing with the dress in my hand, as a random neighbour walks past with her/his dog. -- sorry, the person walking was kinda a "Pat".)
Me: MIMI! Just give the ball to Bear!
Seeing this as a better, less frustrating option, she walks to the gate and hands Bear his ball.
Me: Okay, now come get a dress on, please.
Mimi: Why? We going a car-ride?
Me: (giggle) No, you just can't be outside naked!
Mimi, very manner-of-factly: Oh.

Treks to the bottom of the deck stairs. Stops, butt to the world, and smells the flowers growing beside the stairs.

Mimi: Pretty!

Ahhh, to be able to trek around outside buck naked AND smell the flowers!? That, my friends, is life.

Someone's Got SERIOUS Gas Issues!

Um, this morning was entertaining.. in a not-so-funny way.

Sitting here, it's a tad too early for the kids to play outside. One, the grass is still quite dewy and they'll freeze, and two, they SCREAM when they play outside. (naturally, don't all kids!?) I don't think my neighbour (who JUST got home from the hospital yesterday with her itty-bitty brand-new baby) really wants to be woken up by screaming kids. Gah.

(and side note: seeing the neighbour walk into her house with her hubby and new baby, I was kinda surprised by myself. Yes, babe is cute. But seriously... the jealousy and pain I used to feel over people having babies-- ya, SO NOT THERE! I thought, blegh--I HATE the new-baby life. You are tired, you're emotional, you're leaking out of WAY too many places, your body hurts EVERYWHERE (see: leaking out of WAY too many places), and you don't know what the baby wants or needs or anything! I do NOT miss that. I hate nursing. And I hate being 'fat' for someone else's food-storages. UG. So, in an interesting inner-reflective way, I realized I'm okay never having another baby. HUGE STEP for me. I mean, it's unlikely, anyways, given my current life situation and what I want for my future. Not a FOR SURE NEVER HAVING ANOTHER BABY thing, but if or when that time comes with a new spouse, that'll be a VERY serious conversation. I am not AGAINST having more kids. Just not sure I need to push them out myself! Ew.)

Mimi a few days after she got out of the NICU after birth.

Okay-- side note was WAY too long. Back to the dayhome, it being too early, etc...

So, they're inside. Waiting with baited breath (what the heck is baited breath anyways-- sounds like 'fish-breath', and frankly, I don't think that's a good thing to say you're waiting with! Brush your teeth if you have baited breath!!) Oh yah.... so they're waiting with fish breath to go play outside. Man, my tangent thoughts are killing the flow of my writing today! lol

And the power goes out. Gone. Flickers, and dies. This is still in the 8-hour of the morning-- WAY too early for much of anything! I think Walmart's open! lol Construction crews are ALWAYS hitting something, so, albeit annoyed, it's not totally unheard of.

So, I make a grocery list, and trek four monkeys into the van. Driving by the church and the condo construction crews, busy digging away with their "mighty machines" and hoes and dump trucks and whatever else.

We went to the store, picked up Bear from school (it's my turn this week to pick up him and his friend, "Sars" from school). Funny sidenote (yes, I know, another dumb sidenote... bear with me)- 'Sucky boy' from the dayhome? Yah, he's apparently afraid of east indian people. SCREAMED his head off when Sars got into the van and CONTINUED TO SCREAM until we got Sars home-- FIFTEEN LONG MINUTES LATER! I tell ya, 15 minutes isn't long in real life. In crying-child life, 15 minutes is tough. In SCREAMING CHILD life, 15 minutes KILLS ME!!!

Anywho. Got the next little one picked up from the busstop, went home and made lunch. Happily, the power is back. (duh. how else would I be posting. Wow, I'm not the sharpest lightbulb in the crayon package)

Just sat down to catch up, blog and stuff, and another dayhome mother phones. She lives around the corner from me, and informs me to look outside.

I go out to my backyard-- there are fire trucks GALORE, construction crews running around like mad, and allllll the roads to my house are blocked off. Turns out, she's driving and comes to this road blockage, and asks the crew member who's guarding the entrance what's up. The silly back-hoe operator dude apparently hit a MAJOR natural gasline. So major, that when I step outside, we can HEAR the hissing of the gas! Yah. We're on alert for evacuation. SERIOUSLY!? I just freeking got the babes to go down for a nap! That bites. So here's hoping there's not an evac-order.

After watching the kids outside in the backyard and the sandbox, I think they should seriously consider hiring Bear to their crew-- I think he uses his 'mighty machines' FAR better than they seem to be doing!!

and another PS

Yah.. I also forgot to mention something else. Although, unlike the treadmill news, this one doesn't deserve a dance of joy. More like a pout of yuckiness.

We caught another Mighty. WHAT THE HECK!? I should buy stocks in mousetraps! Yep. And this time I had to put it away myself. EW. I hate that part.

Um, HELLO!!!

OOOOOH ! i can't believe I didn't mention!

Chris fixt the treadmill! WOOOOO! I am VERY happy about that-- not only because I've put on a few, but because now I don't have to waste money on yet ANOTHER cheap treadmill! I can keep my piece of junk! How exciting.

*everyone dance a jig*

The Weakened... er... Weekend.

Okay, se we're all a bunch a' sickos in this household. (Hold your laughter, my close friends who already THINK I'm a sicko--- I mean it literally!). Yep. Coughing and sniffling and grouchy. Okay, the grouchy part is normal. The sniffing and coughing is not. Even Chris said he was surprised I'm sick-- I NEVER get sick. This bites.We did end up trekking to LA (Lethbridge, Alberta, for those less versed in Canadian speak) Friday night so that I could visit my parents. Our ward had a temple trip scheduled for Saturday morning, and the thought of getting my three monkeys out the door at 6 AM didnt' really appeal to me. Funny that. So, driving out the night before saves me LOTS of sleep-hours. Kinda. Just not when my brother and his friend, my Dad and Mom are all up talking with me, eating Wendy's Frosties with french fries. Mmmmm. Best gross-sounding misture ever! The temple was fine. Side note: I find it funny, after doing a session at the temple, that people say, "how was the temple?" Uhhhhh, it's the same ceremony it was last time!! LOL How can one time be "WOW, THAT WAS JUST AWESOME!?" and the next time (exactly the same ceremony, word for word) "Meh, it wasn't great". ??? Are people really gonna answer, "it sucked" ? Actually, it might be entertaining to answer that way once just to watch the reactions. Silly, rhetorical questions deserve silly answers. But, it's one of those things people ask. I don't get it.

Took the kids around the grounds later. Snapped these pics. Then drove down the street to visit my sister and my 8 nieces and nephews. We used to live 5 minutes away, and I miss my kids being able to play with their cousins often. Of course, I miss my sister, but I miss ALL my sisters, ALL the time! L-R: Lola, T-Bear, CC, Me, Kiki, See-saw... ;) kidding, Marce.

Drove home. Everyone felt sick, and then we went to bed. After I had my 'pity party' Saturday night. Sunday, we were all still sick, so unfortunately, we all skipped church. I hate doing that-- it ruins my week. Things just feel off-- something about schedules-- I'm kinda anal about routine like that.

Chris came over last night. We took the kids for a walk.... our typical walk past EFs house. It was funny to see Chris kinda NERVOUS! I asked him about it, but he's only actually afraid of EFs DH coming out of the house in an angry rage. Which he wouldn't do. But not the point. And don't ask what the point is-- apparently I don't have one. It was just an observation.

A week or two ago, he was telling me about this girl he's dated a few times. He hadn't told her about me or the kids, but really liked her. And thought she liked him too. He asked my opinion on when to tell people about having kids and an 'ex-wife'. My opinion? If they can't handle that news from the beginning-- do you really want to waste time and emotion on someone who's gonna freak out when you DO tell them? Do you WANT someone who doesn't like the fact that you're a parent? Uh, not likely.

So, he agreed with my opinion. And told her on their next date. That didnt' go over well, apparently, as he told me last night. Yikes. But, although, understandably, he feels slightly rejected, he's glad to find out NOW instead of months later when he really cares about this girl.

Makes me worry about dating. I don't even know WHAT do expect! And seriously, what the freak to WEAR! LOL. First dates suck! Stresses me. I'm SOOO out of practice on first-date etiquette! *shudder*.. when that day happens, be prepared for a humourous post on the horrid details of my embarassment! lol

While I Wallow

Not funny: He couldn't carry a tune. But this song is so him. Or.. so ME. Yah. So me.

I loved our 'song'. I loved singing it. I miss it. I hate that the melody is off key and out of tune now. Like, some days I feel like my voice is gone.



Sorry guys. Tonight's just one of those nights. And you're stuck reading some verbal diarrhea because I don't know how else to 'vent', so sucks to be you right now if you're still (amazingly) reading this drabble. I'm tired, and we all know how I get when I'm tired. Crappiest part about that-- the catch 22, so to speak-- I am tired, so I get sad. But I'm usually not wanting to go to an empty bed when I'm sad because it's harder. So I avoid going to sleep, I don't even go into my bedroom if I can help it. And get more tired. And more sad. This sucks.

What am I doing?! I'm such a dumb girl. Dumb to be sad.

"I guess I'm stuck with ya, and someday I'll find the love I'm looking for.
Then my sweet, sweet song won't sound so sad no more"

You're gonna think I'm even dumber... but know what makes me feel better? I'm gonna go into my closet and try on my clothes. LOL. I like this new body and how it fits clothes. So, I'm off to go write a NEW "solo symphony" with the best chords I can find. :P

I Did It To Myself

I have the WORST stomach ache right now. I woke up in agonizing pain, used the bathroom (I know, a little TMI) and still am keeled over sitting here. Pain pain pain.

I think it has to do with my 'late night' snacking. It was girls' night, and we had birthday cake for Sin. We also had Peanut M and Ms, and Real Fruit Gummies. mmmm, but today I'm paying for it. Owwie.

Sucky on top of sucky, my throat is sore. Like, getting-a-yucky-cold sore. And my right nostril is plugged. And this sucks. I havent' been 'sick' in a while, and I'm sure if I was out exercising more lately I'd be healthier. Bad diet and no exercise = yucky Debbi.

I WOULD run-- I even got all 'done up' the other night. X-weighted on the TV, the TWO sports bras on and holding me in so tight I'm sure my breasts were popping out my BACK!! Runners double-knotted... I pulled the treadmill out from the wall where I 'stored' it for the summer, and plugged it in. Nothing. Oh, then I remembered the power switch. On. ????? Nothing still. After trying other plugs, and jiggling cords and whatnot, still nothing. GRRRR.. Actually, not even GRRRR. I was sooooo mad, as winter is FAST approaching and I was treadmillless!! I was livid. ROAR!!

So I called my sister and cleaned. LOL I'm such a girl.

Bear HATED Beavers last night. Sat on the side of the gym and pouted. The WHOLE time. Wouldn't do anything, talk to anyone, play any games... nothing. ???? I don't know why, but he's my shy boy. And this was a colony with LOTS of kids, so I think it was a bit overwhelming to see that many people he didn't know. We'll try again next week, and see what happens.

For girls' night, I had a rough time. We watched a chick flick, which, to anyone in ANY relationship issues, isn't usually a good idea. It kinda depresses me sometimes. Not in a big way, but I went to bed kinda sad. I heard some things last night that confirmed my insecurities, and although it's NOTHING, it's hard to hear. That's what insecurities are: something absolutely stupid that's usually only in your head, and the SLIGHTEST thing sets you into this freak-out. You know?

In boob news, I am OUT of bandages now. No more wearing a bra to sleep! It's very very liberating!!!!! I went and got properly sized at a reputable bra-fitting store. I am NOT the "D" the nurses at the clinic told me to expect to be. But whatever. Good to know.