Fru Fru Forgotten

You know, my blog has turned a bit fru fru in the past few posts.
Funny still- I have felt like I had nothing to say that ISN'T fru fru.

Part of that is because I don't have anything to really share of note. I mean, what's to say? We're still waiting on papers getting filed properly and finished. (filing in Lethbridge has become a bit of a hassle, since they require affidavits of affidavits that filing in Calgary would have saved us from. Kinda dumb, but whatever) So, in regards to 'moving on' in that way, there's nothing to say.

I can't really talk about how I'm moving on in other ways, either. I'm not dating. Heck, sometimes I'm not even sure I WANT to date. At least, right now I don't. And I do. It's a weird feeling, being excited and freaked out at the same time about the exact same idea. Dating. Ug.

I can't talk about emotionally 'moving on' either, since there's not much change in that direction. I kinda flip flop from moment to moment, from day to day.. heck, from song to song on the Ipod. Chris and I have been going through a new phase. It's really really nice. It's like, I'm dating my soon-to-be ex. We are getting along like we did when we WERE dating. We're actually WANTING to be around each other. And it's a mutual thing. We've talked about that- about not wanting to confuse ourselves, confuse each other, or (most importantly) confuse the kids by him being around so much. By us hugging, or cuddling on the couch. It's so comfortable. We've talked and talked about it-- we know it's not gonna last. One day, we won't be married anymore, and it'll be really over. One day one of us is gonna start to confuse 'this' with what used to be, and end up having to stop it so they don't get hurt AGAIN. (wonder who that's gonna be, right?! ;S)

Wow. I was so fat! LOL

Not that I have to justify myself, but here it is.
I'm not doing anything wrong. He's my husband. I love him. And I haven't broken any promises to him. Nor will I.

He's getting the life I told him I wouldn't give him-- the life of dating and partying, of having no one to report to, and yet a wife and kids in a home who love him and want to be around him. He's out with other girls. He asks me for dating advice. And it hurts me, even still. Why should I care?!

It's hard. I know people are shaking their heads. But we were beautiful once. I still remember that. I still see that.

This doesn't change the course of action. This doesn't change our minds in what we KNOW is the right option. Our mediation papers came back in the mail, and it felt right. It's nice to be around each other, yes, but he can't do this for the rest of his life. He can't be JUST mine. But most of me doesn't want him to be, anyways.

Some days I miss him terribly. And some days I just feel like crying. Some days I'm more angry, somewhat 'girl power'ish. Sometimes I'm feeling relieved. Or I feel numb.

In fairness, I had JUST given birth to Bear, so I'm 'kinda' fat. Not all my fault.

But- in general. I feel great. I feel good. I like feeling stronger than I thought I could or would be. I feel loved by family and friends. And by Chris.

It's just too bad we screwed that up so badly.