Six Word Saturday

First weekend 'alone', loving the company!

Childhood Logic

Mimi comes around the corner, pantless as usual, playing a game with her siblings.

Mimi: Na na na na na,, you can't catch me. ha ha haha ha, I the biggest!
Bear: No, you're not the biggest.
Mimi: Ha hahaha ha, I'n the boy!
Bear: You're not a boy, Mimi.
Mimi: no! I'n the boy! See my penis!?
Bear: you don't have a penis, Mimi. You're too little for a penis.

!!!!
How old are you when you grow your penis!!??

Um, Bear's a little confused apparently. Time for a biology lesson.

In Point Form

• I broke down. I bought Twilight. Yah yah, I'm sure I coulda borrowed it from a million people I know, but it was on for 5 bucks at Superstore, and I figured I could splurge that much on myself. Jumping on bandwagons always takes me WAY too long! ;) I need something else to distract me from the dishes anyways!
  
  
• I spent all that time getting my dayhome full, and now two of my three full-timers are leaving. Thankfully, not because of anything the parents weren't happy with. It's the pitfalls of dayhomes. Seriously, though, I HATE putting up forms and doing interviews. And I hate the thought of possibly not having enough kids here to make the paying of bills easier in a month. *grumble*
  
  
• I have been seriously taking a lot of time evaluating my spiritual feelings. It's amazing how simple someone's influence can affect what you think when you aren't expecting it. Some deep conversation, and some things I've said have really opened my eyes to what I TRULY believe deep down. It has been a tough, tough year spiritually for me-- reallyreallyreally high and reallyreallyreally low. I'd like to find a balance.
  
  
• I took some time to myself last night while Chris was at the house with the kids. Thanks to a dayhome Mom who also styles hair, I got my hair dyed. It's darker, and it'll take a bit to get used to looking in the mirror, but it's nice. A "before and after". I tried to recreate the same 'pose', but frankly, it's too early to put on makeup! And, apparently, to smile! lol
  
  
• I also told Chris that I had started the papers. It was really scary to tell him. But thankfully he understands my reasons, so he says. Last night, while he was here, he refused a hug. Tears welled in his eyes all night, and my heart was soooo sore watching it. It is EXACTLY what I was going through back in June. It hurts to watch.
  
  
• I have the weekend off. No kids. Just me and whatever I want to do. :)
  

Eenie, Meanie, My knee, Mofo

So, I'm trying to figure out when to run the marathons and which ones to run. I made a goal to run two marathons this year-- one in the spring, one in the fall. After every run, my knees hurt, but it makes me focus on something, and keeps me in shape and feeling healthy. So having two this year is a good way to stay 'focused' during the summer too.

Nashville is out. Mainly because this month went to pot in the running-department! I had too much emotional shtuff going on that made running just fall by the wayside. And missing a day is SOOO not conducive to training for a marathon.

So, I start where I 'left off'. But that is a few weeks later, so hence, a later marathon. Not to mention that GETTING to Nashville is kinda tough without a passport and while I'm single-momming it, trying to work..etc.

INSTEAD.

There's a few other marathons/runs to be part of. The first one, The Vancouver Marathon. Held the first week of May. And the route goes RIGHT BESIDE my sister's house. So I get to sneak in a visit with my sister's family, and with friends, and with a bunch of other people I love. And it's easy to get there, and fairly cheap. No passport needed! ;)

Second, there's the Cardston Half-Marathon. Which, even if I do the Vancouver full, I can do the half a few weeks later-- right? And getting there-- uh, it's only 2 hours away. And I have family there anyways.

There's also other, local marathons coming up but I haven't looked into many.

In the fall, Toronto has a few marathons I'm considering. The Waterfront one is really appealing-- flat and scenic. Or there's the Goodlife Fitness one in October. Either one lets me visit my OTHER sisters and friends in October/September. Getting there is do-able. Still mostly cheap. Taking the time off is tougher.

Now to COMMIT!! Running during the day doesn't happen usually, so I need to figure out when to get the training in. I'm working 12 hour days, so before work isn't usually feasible either. Gah.

Phat Tuesday

It's Shrove Tuesday. Yep, Pancake Tuesday. Although I'm not Catholic, I remember 'celebrating' pancake Tuesday in my family.

Another word for "Pancake Tuesday" is Fat Tuesday. Hence, Mardi Gras. (yes, I learnt a few things from my parents' recent return from New Orleans.) Mardi is french for Tuesday, Gras is french for Fat. I am now declaring that Fat Tuesday is now becoming PHAT Tuesday. Because, in spite of my rotten day yesterday, today is a new, better day. And it reminds me of a talk in church on Sunday from my Bishop.

He quoted a General Conference address from Thomas S Monson... in order to find joy in the journey that is life, we need to have a heart of gratitude.

So, today I seek joy in the religious way. What better day than Phat Tuesday!? (I know, I know, NOT Catholic... but whatever)

If Joy = Gratitude....

I am thankful for friends, family and all the 'regular' thanksgiving-post listed things. But let's go a bit different. What makes today joyfully Phat?

Uh- THESE!!! How are these babes not the Phatest dayhome kids ever!?

And having the laundry DONE. That's a huge (FAT) chore, and I'm sooo relieved when it's done. For a day.

And, definitely, cleaned bonus-room carpets are Phat!
And especially THIS! Oooh, I am LOVING my new couch. No more torn cushions, no more 'fluff' everywhere, no more spills. Leather, easy to clean. Smells yummy. .. you betcha- It's TOTALLY Phat. The only issue- it's too 'fat' for my configuration. I still have to find room for THIS. And I have to find room for THIS somewhere in the house too!

Speaking of which, wanna know what's NOT Fat? Me. My scale is moving slowly in the right direction again. I can't tell you how stepping on that scale yesterday to see GOOD NEWS made my evening soooo much better. It's a simple joy I will take with relish! Nope, not FAT Tuesday. PHAT Tuesday.

I have joy in these things today. I do NOT have joy in the 7 miles I have to run today *on the treadmill--- WITHOUT my Ipod!*. But I have joy in the body that CAN run 7 miles.

Nope, Not Me Monday!

(for more Not Me Monday, visit my charming kids !) *edit- since people have mentioned that reading these 'not me' posts is confusing, here's a key: omit anything that is pink, and continue reading. Anything pink is sarcastic. That will make the post much easier to understand.*

Today was NOT only the crappiest day in a long time. And yet, it was also NOT exactly what I needed, I think.

I did NOT wake up this morning, in a great mood from a good weekend with friends. I did NOT get excited over thinking of having clean carpets by the end of the day, nor did I also go early to Safeway to rent the machine. With dayhome kids in tow which does NOT suck. Nope, not me... I would NEVER hate taking that many kids to Safeway!

I did NOT have a very few productive minutes in the morning, getting half of the bonus room carpet cleaned. Because I did NOT stop half way through, I do NOT have a clean/dirty line in the carpet! I will NOT be trying to get that out before the new couch arrives tomorrow. Which, by the way, I am not ECSTATIC about! No, I really enjoyed having a couch that the kids would tear apart-- it was my favourite thing. Not to mention, I really liked knowing that EF and Chris had ".. a moment .." on that couch and I can NOT get rid of it fast enough. I am NOT in a 'cleaning house' mode lately- nope. I'm not trying to 'wash that man right outta my...carpets'. (VL)

I did not get a very upsetting phone call from a friend in need, who does NOT live too far away for me to help. I did NOT feel helpless, and I do not feel sad for their sadness. Nope. That's soooo NOT me to take on the issues of my friends and somewhat want to 'fix' their sadness. I do NOT personalize it way too much. I will NOT be on my knees in prayer for them tonight.

I did NOT also, upon hanging up that phone call, receive a phone call right after from ' A BC CORRECTIONAL FACILITY'. I did NOT enjoy talking with Beau, and I am NOT happy to hear that he gets sentenced on Wednesday. I was, however, NOT upsetted to hear that he's having some health issues that they can't figure out. I am NOT thinking it somewhat ironic that the man in the jail was chastising me for what is NOT going on in my life, and how I do NOT deserve better. I did NOT tear up.

I did NOT finish my laundry folding in a quiet, self-reflecting way after the third phone call of the day. Upon doing one of the last loads, I was NOT surprised to look into the finished washload to find my freshly washed Ipod. nope. That wasn't me. I would NEVER wash my Ipod. I was NOT about THIS close to crying at that point. I am NOT super-dee-duper thrilled about having to buy ANOTHER one only a few months after having received this one for Christmas.

I did NOT, at that point, decide to try to have a nap, only to NOT have dreams about people that left me unsettled. I also did NOT get woken up from my snooze three times. I did NOT feel completely exhausted after.

I did NOT think it sucked that Chris was coming over today, because I did NOT anticipate a very hard conversation regarding my weekend and his thoughts on things we've talked about. I am NOT relieved that, by the end of the day, I was NOT ready to 'run away' and so, instead, left him with the dinner and kids and took off in the freezing cold just to 'get out'. I did NOT wish I could run forever. I did NOT wish I didn't have to come back.

I did NOT call my lawyer. And I did NOT ask for the divorce papers to start again, in spite of me NOT thinking I would wait until EF came back so I could wash HER out of my life first, too. I am NOT terrified to tell Chris, as I am NOT utterly and completely concerned with his emotional state lately. I am NOT dying a little inside while I watch him in so much pain that I do NOT feel responsible for.

I am NOT thankful for the talks given in church yesterday, and will NOT be posting about that possibly tomorrow... when my carpets are NOT drying and when I DON'T need time to myself.

Six Word Saturday

Sometimes all you want is "bread".

Inner Dialogue

Did you know I've started this post three different times, read it, and deleted it again? yah. It's like my writing mojo is gone.

Mostly because I'm afraid to put something 'out there' when I feel so hopelessly vulnerable lately. Like I'm so fragile. I mean, I'm FINE, but I get hurt so easily lately. It's really kinda annoying to fret over such insignificant things.

I am really doing good. Really. I mean, I'm emotional, but in fact I'm feeling much more peace with my choice. I am happy right now without Chris here.

But, let's remember, I love him. And watching him break down into a cry I've never seen, in ALL our nearly 9 years together, was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to see. His grief is so deep. It's like he finally SEES it. He finally feels it. And part of me, watching him break down into such a deep-rooted painful release, just wanted to take it all back. "Come back home" "Let's stay together" "I can do this". And yet. I know that's not the right course for me. I know that as soon as I felt like saying those words, I felt wrong about them.

I said to him that I used to think that he broke my trust. But I'm coming to believe that it's not broken. It's amputated. Gone. It's not able to be 'regrown', after so many other issues. Broken bones get healed. But this is bigger than that.

Love is not all you need. I wish that was the case.

To top it all off, I don't like who I've become when I'm with him. The trust issues are too big on my side, and I'm becoming a fearful, paranoid, secretive, untrusting person. I don't like that. I don't need to be that.

A Thousand Words

A picture says a thousand words. So, here's some of my "thousand word" fave photos.









(I don't know who started this "Thousand Word Thursday", but a few of my blogger friends do it, so if it's you... SHOUT OUT to your genius! ;) It may be Debilyn...??hmm nope-- found it: Cheaper Than Therapy.)

Wednesday Ws and Word Verification Wednesday

Who: Babbling Brook
What: had a conversation with me
Where: in the car
When: this morning while waiting at the bus stop
Why: because she's cute.

Brook- You and my Uncle should be a good couple... he's having a divortion too!

BAAHAHAH, divortion. Like killing a full-grown, adult baby! haha. I am now loving that word. lol

Who: Me
What: is coping
Where: inside my heart
When: a little more each day
Why: because I have amazing friends. I have made new friendships with people in similar situations and have enjoyed 'comparing notes' and confidences. I have friends, tried and tested, who have stuck by my side through every tear and complaint. I have friends who bring cookies, send little love notes or packages, and speak in certain love languages that are touching and humbling. I hope I can be that friend to these people that they are to me.
And, because I have amazing family. Parents who are there for me whenever I ask. Sisters, who amidst their own phenomenal pain and hurt, have listened to my fears and failures, and have loved me in spite of my faults. Who support me more than anyone ever can. Brothers who hug and call and write messages. I feel loved more and more, and so less alone than ever.

And, because I have amazing faith.
I know I confuse people. But my faith in God and Jesus and the atonement are really bringing me through this. I know I 'chose' Chris to leave. But let's remember, it's never an easy choice to make when a marriage is at stake. It hurts. But sometimes the right choice is the hardest one to make.
So I thank my blogger friends I've never met but love completely, my neighbours, my ward, my dayhome mothers who are my friends as well, my separated/divorcing/divorced friends who 'get me', my Eight Gothic Vagina girls, and everyone who fits into any category above. Thank you. I've needed you.






And that's right. It's Chocolate Wednesday. I will not be having Chocolate today. And I'm okay with that. Besides, I'm not really into Chocolate lately. I'm more into the Candy thing, and had far too much Candy last night. lol.. and I loved it.

Being Wednesday, it's time to play along with Word Verification Wednesday, courtesy of Jillybean. Everyone join in!

My Verification Explanation today:
nernab

kidnapping a computer geek

One Year "Suck"iversary Today

Sorry, followers (and any lurkers out there).

I am not in the mood lately.
I cried much too much this weekend.
I am angry and hurt and reliving it all.

It's part of the process. The ups and downs.


But I have received a blessing. And had some peace. And cried. And learnt and grew and reflected.
And I will be fine in a day or two. Maybe in an hour or so, even.
Who knows.
I just know eventually I'll write. I'm sorry if you wonder where I am. (I know, how narcissistic of me! lol)

Six Word Saturday

My True Loves come in Threes.


.

(Bear, LL and Mimi, Valentines Day 2008)

Giveaway. That's all Folks.

I want to blog. But I'm tired. Although I have stuff to say.
So instead, you get this.

A giveaway you may want to check out. My girlfriend has a website to check out with some cute stuff, including this pendant, if you're into this type of stuff.
Go here.

Yah.
That's it for today. I'm just too tired to get all emotionally involved in some "Valentines Day as a single mom" post. blah.

Besides, this is a tough weekend for me.
One year on monday since EF's husband told me about the affair. So I'm pretty blah lately. I WILL post eventually. And beware the bitterness and anger. They're kinda brewing lately.

Okay, Okay, I'll Blog already- Wednesday Ws

It's been a month of Sundays since I did this, so, without further adieu, I present Wednesday Ws.

Who: Chris
What: surprised me
Where: sitting here at the computer
When: Last night
Why: he decided to read this blog. It's always good when he reads it-- it lets him kinda get into my 'head' a bit. Not that I don't tell him the same things I say here, but he says reading things is sometimes easier than hearing them. So, he sat and read the past few entries. The one with my friend and my conversation, the one about Nourishing... then he's all.. "uh, where is today's post?!" but I hadn't written yesterday, so I guess I should write today.
I don't know what he thinks about what he read. But I do know he gets me a lot more than I thought he did.
Today he told me that he doesn't think this will work out. Not because of anything on his part, but because of things I say or the way I am thinking lately.
I'm not sure he's wrong. But I am not sure he's right. I mean, I want this to work. I love him, he loves me (and I know that now), we don't fight about money like most people, we communicate what *I* see as fairly well, and we enjoy each other. So why doesn't this have potential?? Me.
I was talking to a friend who is also going through a divorce right now, and they asked me, "What do you want?". I replied, "I want to love without thinking again. Like I used to."
Is that possible? I don't know if I will ever 'love without thinking' anyone ever again. Or is it just not with Chris? Am I permanently damaged goods now? Never giving that up? I mean, I'm technically AFRAID to give it up-- I still have the emails from EF to Chris and from Chris to EF on my computer. And, the other day, I re-read them. Which only puts me into a horribly sad mood. And yes, I did it to myself. And I'm dumb for doing it. And I have ALL the power to erase those. But, something in me can't. Like I'm afraid of 'forgetting'. Or moving on-- moving on means changing something in a way I don't get to control? Maybe I would finally move on with Chris if I got rid of those. And EF. (I'm seriously contemplating telling her that I need her out of my life-- but we'll see. )

Who: Me
What: ate meat
Where: at my kitchen table
When: last night for dinner
Why: we had the 'mormonaries' (aka: missionaries) over for dinner last night. They know I'm doing the raw vegan thing, but I feel bad forcing others to eat it. So I made ribs. And, lemme tell ya.

It was SUPER delicious.

Man, I miss meat!!! THANKFULLY, my tummy didn't get upset with it, and I feel fine. But, I was back to my shake this morning. mmm. Berries and Flax, nothing better. And snap peas for snack. And Avocados. And all yummy goodness. For lunch, I'm making seasoned yam wedges-- by the way, they taste SO good, I feel like I'm cheating every time I eat them! And I've had a head cold for a week or so-- I especially like the pumpkin-orange goop left in the Kleenex after I eat that! LOL A few chickpeas and hummus and almonds and other veggies to round out lunch-- making me hungry!

Who: Seeley Carpet Cleaners
What: call nearly EVERY month
Where: ???? (doesn't apply)
When: uh. Every month. Keep up, eh?!
Why: to con me into using their cheap-arse carpet cleaning services. I hate professional carpet cleaning-- they do a TERRIBLE job. Me and Safeway's Rug Doctor do 5x a better job thankyouverymuch. HOWEVER, they also do furnaces. For ONCE, when I needed my furnace done, they actually phoned at a convenient time! So, Saturday, my home will be flushed of all germy nasty spores and my furnace will be running like...well... like a furnace!

Who: My girlfriend, my parents, and my brother
What: will be sleeping
Where: in my home
When: from tonight until the weekend is done
Why: Girlfriend has a convention in town and needs a place to sleep and eat. No problem, although, since Chris is officially 'OUT' by tonight, I'll be doing the single-mom thing again and will likely be running around with 3 monkeys every night... to do crap like get valentines made for school... which isn't even held on Valentine's Day... which meant I thought I got out of dumb stuff like that...which means I don't... which means I now will have a million square pieces of Sponge Bob valentines to pick up around the house... and chocolate wrappers... which is only annoying because I don't get to eat any of the chocolate.., because I'm raw vegan...and because Chris won't be giving me a Valentine's present...because I think Valentine's is a stupid holiday... and I've told him not to...which only means he should anyways... although, is he technically my valentine considering I've practically kicked him out?.. Not sure how much fun of a hostess I'm gonna be. LOL.
My parents are only here for a night on their way to a cruise. Yah. nice. I wanna go away. In fact, I was telling Chris that I am seriously contemplating taking a few days off and going somewhere warm. Like, beach-warm. Alone. 100% completely alone. Because I need to get away for a bit. Alas, I have a job.

Who: you guys
What: need to play along'
Where: below in the 'comment section'
When: today, Word Verification Wednesday, of course
Why: because it's fun. And I like reading your funny answers. Not sure what Word Verification Wednesday is? Check out Jillybean at Thou Shalt Not Whine to play along. Good times are had all over bloggyland.

I didn't know I had "Employees"

This is my blog in a photo. I think it's pretty cool. And I like making sentences with the words in there. Like, "totally want things", or "needed peace", or "need support", or "maybe find better". ha. See what you come up with.

*and thanks publicly to HolyMotherOfGod for teaching me how to paste this from the Wordle website! You rock.

Six Word Saturday

You bet, it's that day again!

Time for Six Word Saturday Meme.

Only speak in six word sentences.

And get a good message across.

What to say about this week?

Somehow I can sum it up.

Although, six words will not suffice.

Lack of sleep and so tired,

I made a much needed choice.

Afraid to admit what I need

or hurt him in the process.

I start again, a single mom

And hope to find peace again.

A vegan diet well under way

this was a week of changes!

Needing to Nourish

Not many people knew it, but when I posted yesterday's post, it was already determined what I was going to do.

A few days ago, I spoke with Chris on the phone (yah, lame, I agree.. but he was out of town) about everything, and, amidst many tears, told him I needed him to go.

And, I'm happy. I'm not sad, actually. And not in a callous manner-- it's just, Chris has made this decision much easier on me than I anticipated. He knows I need this. He said he could kinda see it coming- in that, he didn't know WHAT I needed, but he knew I needed to change something.

He's totally understanding. Doesn't mean he'll still be around in a month or two or seven... who knows how long it'll take, or if he'll wait for that. If he's not here when I'm done 'finding myself', that's fine too-- we need to find that out. And maybe I won't be 'here' then either. But he understands where I'm at, what I feel, and he wants me to be happy. I was relieved to see his reaction- genuine and loving, honest, and supportive. It's moments like that that make me wonder what the freak is wrong with me to not be totally happy with him. But the fear just doesn't work. Along with other things, that's one of them. But not all. There's a lot of things in there.

He will move out his stuff within the month- there's no 'rush', and he's also out of town for about 3 weeks for business. We'll go back to every other weekends. We'll go back to 'dating'.

We'll. Go. Back.

I feel counter-productive in going, what is perceived as, back. But I need to be there for now. I need to NOT be in a relationship. I need to just be alone. Just me.

On other unrelated notes, the vegan lifestyle has been challenging. In a good way-- I'm really really really conscious of what I put in my body. It takes a lot of planning to eat more healthy, and to make sure that I'm keeping my nutrient levels at their optimal heights. Last night, as we were preparing dinner, I was mentioning to LL and Chris about how we need to view food differently. Now, food is a fuel. (I know, I know, we've all heard that a million times, but this time I'm LIVING it) Food is occasionally used for celebration or comfort, but in general, we're sticking to 'nourishment' in this household.

Maybe I should change my "motto" for the year. I mean, I WON'T, but maybe I should add a word.

Nourish.

nour⋅ish –verb (used with object)

1.	to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth.

2.	to cherish, foster, keep alive, etc.: "He had long nourished the dream of living abroad."

3.	to strengthen, build up, or promote: to nourish discontent among the workers; to nourish the arts in one's community.

Insert ANY of those highlighted/coloured words into the blanks. Where I would normally put 'nourish': I need to _____ the body. I need to _____ my spirit. I need to ______ my children in their growth and love. I need to ______ my relationships. And I need to _____ MYSELF-- who I am inside.

I am loving how I feel, and have gotten past the tummy aches and headaches. I know I need to up my water intake, but that's coming. Making burgers out of seeds and 'live' food is so foreign to me, but it was SUPER yummy. Or making 'soup' that isn't heated-- different, but tasty. I don't feel any guilt about what I snack on or when, I don't have many cravings I can't satisfy. Although, Chris told me he had McDonald's Breakfast. And lemme tell you-- I love me a McGriddle and greasy hashbrown! mmm

But I'm doing good. And I feel good. On top of it, the scale moved. (FINALLY). So, so far, real good.

Why I Am Not Sleeping

Friend says:
hey are you ok?
(Friend here is someone who knows me strictly through facebook. We met once, when she came to town. She and I have been together through everything in the past year regarding the affair and such, and her life too: including the engagement of her to her sweetheart, and the joy in that, only to have him suffer a major heart attack while she was out getting the invitations chosen. He died October 19th. )

Debbi says:
yah
I hate 'heart to hearts' lately.
I'm such a basketcase.
headcase.
blahhh
Friend says:
are you 2 doing better?
still dating?
Debbi says:
no.
yes
he lives here,
but I think I'm close to telling him that he shouldn't
I don't feel peace lately, and I really want to. I don't know if I can find that with him here.
Friend says:
oh again?
and you felt peace when he was gone?
Debbi says:
He's ready to stop 'dating'... but my trust issues aren't ready for that.
yes. I did.
I felt peace for a while at the beginning of dating again, too. I felt peace until about the time I stopped the divorce papers because everyone else told me I should.
Friend says:
hmmm...ya I noticed when you were not with him...however much you can notice on facebook, it did seem you were happy
Debbi says:
but then... something... he's changed in good ways and bad, and I don't know what I can handle or can't. He's not done anything 'wrong'... and still, I can't let go and just love.
When we're playing and having fun, it's usually good.
but when we're just 'being', I feel scared, untrusted, not loved in an unconditional way
Friend says:
i know what you mean...dating is fun...but going back to the reality of being together makes it seem more real that your accepting what he did to you
at least with dating it was just that and then your life
Debbi says:
possibly, yes.
and I'm not sure I'm willing to 'give up' my victim status.
as dumb as that is to say
Friend says:
I totally understand
not at all
Debbi says:
I hate still hurting, Friend.
Friend says:
you have one life...well maybe more...but one life in this lifetime...you have to be happy
Debbi says:
What if I spend the rest of it unhappy that I left Chris- the person I thought I wanted for the rest of my life???
Friend says:
what if you spend it unhappy with Chris?
thats a hard question
Debbi says:
that's just the thing. How do I find out?!
Friend says:
both of them are
Debbi says:
yep
Friend says:
sounds like you do need more time
alone
Debbi says:
I know. but he's not 'there'... and it'll hurt him.
and I think I'd die if I found out I wanted him back and he's moved on.
Friend says:
cause if you hurt already now and it's still not totally official, it just kinda says your not ready and you may never be
Debbi says:
I'd never forgive myself for something I didn't need to do.
Friend says:
yes you would
Debbi says:
my three kids in the mix.
never loving anyone this much
Friend says:
because if it's so easy for him to move on then you know it just wasn't meant to be and your better off with someone who would wait for you
not a lifetime...but as much time as you may need
Debbi says:
I know. but still, that's scary.
Friend says:
for sure it is
i feel the same way...what if I never love anyone as much as I loved (my man) and right now I can't even imagine I could possibly
Debbi says:
yah.
Friend says:
but thats ok...cause thats just right now
Debbi says:
but you've only had a few months
Friend says:
it's not tomorrow
and I don't know what will come tomorrow...nobody does
Debbi says:
I feel like this has drug on too long
that's true
Friend says:
but as long as I tell myself to just be happy right now then I get through today
Debbi says:
are you avoiding 'feeling' though?
Friend says:
i may be
not on purpose though
Debbi says:
how is that not gonna bite you on the butt later on?
Friend says:
i don't think I do it intentionally
Debbi says:
oh
Friend says:
i have no idea
Debbi says:
hahaha, look at us.
Friend says:
I know I am in a support group
so I am doing what I should
Debbi says:
that's good, then
Friend says:
and I can't do more
if I want to cry I do
Debbi says:
I have a lot of support too.
good.
Friend says:
to me just because you ask yourself the question of weather you want it or not...says your not ready for it
Debbi says:
I dont' like that answer
Friend says:
hahaha
Debbi says:
I don't like EITHER answer
Friend says:
i know
when you were alone were you asking yourself if you wanted him back or did it just happen
Debbi says:
just happen
Friend says:
so you never asked yourself do i want him to come back???
things just moved in that direction
?
Debbi says:
no. at first, we talked about it just being what it was.
yes, they did.
we started enjoying the time more and more
and then, he moved a few things in.
then a few more (he needed them)..etc.
Friend says:
ya your not ready...you didn't even have to ask yourself questions when you were alone, but now half together half not your asking weather he should stay
Debbi says:
And then... he was 'ready' to be here, and I was still thinking we were 'dating'.
He's further ahead than me. but why am I not there now?
Friend says:
hmmmm....now Debbi..thats a silly question
Debbi says:
Isn't this what I wanted?!
Friend says:
why would you be...of course it's easy for him....he hurt you
Debbi says:
I hurt him too.
Friend says:
whatever
then he should have talked to you
and not slept with someone else to show you that you hurt him
Debbi says:
he did, just not in the words I would understand, I guess.
no, I agree with the last part
so why do I want to possibly date someone else? Probably for the same message to get across.
Friend says:
i don't know
Debbi says:
ha, thanks
Friend says:
sorry

Please Mr. Postman

Dear Safeway,
I think it's pathetic nice that you carry an entire 1/4 aisle of 'natural' health foods. I think it's amazing that you don't have any employees that know where anything is, or even what it may be that I'm talking about. I was truly impressed by Jaime Sam Pat, in the pasta/rice aisle, who was growing a full beard and thought that she could hide the inch of hair on her face by bleaching it. I liked how awkward I felt trying not to stare. I liked it when my three-year old daughter asked why that stranger lady has a teddy-bear face right in front of her!

I think it's unfortunate that the only fresh leaf-vegetable you carry is red or green lettuce. But above all, I'm truly thankful that the pears that I bought turned rotten overnight. That's awesome.

I also think it's awesome that you do your ten-times the airmiles on the first Tuesday of the month, but I spent gobs of cash at your store on the Monday before that. I think that's racist weekist. I don't shop on Tuesdays, it's against my religion. Perhaps you should give everyone ONE day of the month of their choosing. What difference does it make to you guys anyways? And seriously, it's not like those extra 5 airmiles are gonna be tough for the Airmiles Company to fork out. 200,578 more, and I get a free ipod.
Sincerely,
Vociferous Vegan
PS: please also inform your employees that Mormons DO shop on Tuesdays.

Dear Dayhome Dad,
I am so grateful to you. I love that you allow your wife to drop off and pick up your three children more often than you ever do. I am grateful that I don't have to see you more often than I do now. I love how afraid of you your children are because of your alcoholism and abuse, because I like seeing them RELAX when they're here. I am indeed grateful that, every single time it's your turn to pick up your children, you are over an hour later than you say you'll be. I'm impressed that it takes you twice as long to travel the SAME distance from work as it does for Chris. I love that last night, because of your tardiness, my daughter missed Brownies. I'm also grateful that, because of that, we also didn't have enough time to go buy Agave and Hemp seeds. (thanks, Djo, for the number!) I like to think you're hours late because of your E-harmony profile-- must be tough to be so adulterous sneaky dashingly handsome for all your lady friends.
Sincerely,
The lady who watches your kids better than you do

Dear Bed,
I miss you. I'm sorry we've been so distant in the past week. It's not you, it's me. I have not forgotten my love for you. I want you to know I need you in my life, and have always appreciated your support. You've been the perfect companion- always there, always ready for a tear or two, always ready to sleep with me! lol Yes, Bed, I knew from the moment I laid eyes (and body) on you, you were factory made for me! Although I have had some great reasons to keep me away, I will work on our relationship in the next few days, and hopefully, we can get some lost time back.
Sincerely
Your Somnolent Sweetheart

I just wanted this Hemp plant for the seeds, I swear!

So, it has officially began.

I am a vegan! AHHHH.
well, I'm eating like one. I don't know if there's a way to be officially certified, inducted into the status of "Vegan", but hey, one day at a time. In my attempt to 'Make the Change', I figure that eating whole, healthy foods is a good change to make.

I went grocery shopping last night with the kids, as Chris is out of town for 2 weeks for business. I loved buying foods I've never bought before. I loved having a cart FULL (yes, brimming over the top) of veggies and fruits and nuts and seeds and legumes. Of course, the kids need 'regular' lunches-- so there were eggs and bread and milk and drink boxes in there too. But in general, I have NEVER been more 'proud' to walk through the checkout. Knowing, no matter WHAT someone saw come out of my cart, if they had seen the show, they'd be impressed. lol

Today I'm off to a health-food store, though. Safeway doesn't sell hemp seeds or agave nectar. Apparently, hemp is a good protein. ??? yah, little Mormon girl over here-- never bought any marajuana-related products. I'll repent after, no worries. lol

My energy is still good, but my belly kinda hurts. Me and the bathroom are getting much more reaquainted as my body cleanses the extra guck out. Lots of fiberous veggies and whole foods- it's awesome feeling my body actually USE the food. I had a headache the first day, but that might just be plain old sugar withdrawls.

I'll keep you updated on this. Tonight's dinner looks really yummy!

Fragmented Sentences

I should blog.
I should talk about the conversations I've had in the past few days.

The lack of sleep. The tears. the hilarious conversations. everything.
There's just so much to touch on- conversations with people I've never met who can understand so much about my marriage and me. Who help me to see things from a different, yet understandable view.
Conversations with people who make me laugh. or cry. or think.
And lots of conversations with Chris. so many things. so many.
I'm working on not many hours of sleep. Since Thursday, I haven't gone to bed earlier than 3 am!

I could talk about Friday when EF brought her kids over. And I was working on 2 hours of sleep. And I wasn't ready.

I wasn't ready to see her drop off her kids again in my home. I really want to be, but that day, it wasn't happening. She leans in for a hug. And I think that I'm not a 'friend-hugger' on the best of days..and today... today I didn't want to hug her at all!~ I just couldn't wait for her to pick up her kids. Not because of the kids... not at all. But because then I knew she was gone for a month. Like today's holiday, I could hide away for 6 more weeks. I wouldn't have to see her again until March.

I could talk about my date with Chris on Saturday night. How much fun we have when it's just us, out, together. And how, even with that, I still don't feel good to commit 100% to staying with someone who's willing to work on so many things. Maybe I'm the one who can't change my spots?