One Day Down

It's hard to be the couple we've talked about being...

Chris came over last night to go to soccer with the kids and I. Unfortunately, soccer was rained out, so he drove quite a way to get here only to have to turn around a while later. It felt weird, having him come over. I guess I'll admit I'm just not ready for that yet. I'm fairly angry still, and the saddest part is that I get angry with the kids faster than normal, when really, they're hurting too. So I'm trying hard to keep my emotions reserved for a few of my sisters or friends who've let me "vent" (and thanks for that) and my personal prayers. I just guess I want a period of time for me to get him OUT of my life, without having him constantly in it. Because I love him, it makes it hard to deal with. Because I love him, I can't stand him to be here. ( doesn't make logical sence, but I'm not trying to write logically)

So, he's sitting in the front room with the kids. They're so excited to see him, you'd think he'd been gone for months! Really cute, and slightly annoying. lol Bear said something about how Chris is not going to live at this house forever, and the look Chris shot at me confused me. When we had a few minutes without kids around, while I got dinner ready, he said he was wondering why I would tell the kids that. Turns out, he thought that what I said Sunday was purely in anger and that I didn't mean it. Yesterday, he realized that, by telling my children, I wasn't taking that sentence lightly. June is not a trial, and, until the kids mentioned how they knew it wasn't a trial, I believe Chris still thought it was. It was a sad look on his face when he realized the finality of his decision. It pains me to remember it. Spiteful-me is glad he's hurting, but the true-me is pained by this... EVEN though I know it's what he truly wants and needs in his life right now. And in most ways, the same goes for me.

I have great family. My cousin, who used to be one of my best friends growing up, drove across town to check on me, bring me a meal and helped me to remember to Pay It Forward. Thanks, Cher! My brother-in-law has agreed to do our legal paperwork. My parents are helping me make sound financial preparations. My sisters are here for me, teaching me what songs to listen to (sad AND empowering ones)... but most of all, they're amazing soundboards, amazing supporters and amazing examples. My brother is here, giving me space when I need it, helping with the kids, and making me laugh... usually. I have an amazing family!

Chris' best friend phoned here last night. Looking for Chris. ?????? Yah, that's what I thought. Turns out, this friend hasn't spoken with Chris about this month since it was still in the 'maybe' stage, so he didn't know he wasn't living here for certain already. He knows why Chris hasn't phoned him, too.... Chris knows his friend is completely upset by this decision, thinks Chris is making the biggest, most assinine (sp?) decision in his life, and is so disappointed in the way he's been in this marriage. Unfortunately, neither he nor I can change Chris' feelings on this matter. It was good to have him on 'my side', as some of Chris' single friends aren't exactly the best supporters of FAMILY.