Six Word Saturday

a week that tested my weaknesses

Issues Episodes: Fighting the Help

I hate taking Tylenol. I hate taking ANY drug.

So the thought that this could be a chemical imbalance freaks me out.

I've had depression before. I got help then. It took a few months of struggling with KNOWING I needed drugs, but being too afraid to ask for them. What if I couldn't 'convince' the Dr. I needed help? What if he didn't believe me? What if I was just overreacting to having a new baby and I was simply tired? What if it was just a stressful few months?

But what is it about admitting that you need drugs for a mental reason that has such a horrible stigma attached to it. I'm going clinically crazy!? I can't control the thing that's supposed to control me? I talk to myself?! (okay, honestly, I DO. And I like it. So what?!) I got help. Because I needed drug intervention.

I am not sure that what I have *today* constitutes as 'drug-worthy'. What if it's just the season? Just the time of the month? Just EVERYTHING else in these 'Issues Episodes'? What if it's not chemical. What if it's simple emotions? It's like asking for a blessing when you don't 'need' one. Misplacing a shoe doesn't require God's intervention (usually), so why would a silly emotional roller-coaster warrant medical attention?


No. Instead, I'm going to start from the inside. And by 'inside', I mean diet.
The book I'm reading, The Thrive Diet (by Brendan Brazier) has me all excited for next week.

I don't know enough yet, and I'm only on the first few chapters of the book, but this book is EXACTLY on par with my feelings on diet and exercise. The things said thus far make so much sense to me.

I'm not saying things will all just pop up roses and lily pads once I change my diet. But it's a start. From there, I'll take the next step.

In the process of getting these 'issues' out, I've actually been able to feel a LOT better. They don't go magically away once I pen them, but they're not festering inside me anymore. Now that this is the last "Issues Episode".. at least, for the scheduled program part...I've thought of replying to your comments, but instead, I'll just put that every comment or personal email to me was greatly appreciated. I feel supported and loved, and I am thankful for your expressions of compassion and concern. So thanks.

There.
That's me condensed into a week of posts. Me inside the deepest fears and thoughts of my head. Nothing held back in these posts. Besides, that would have made the whole process futile.

Now we'll go back to silly, fun, and slightly neurotic posts! ;) okay, I'll probably come back to these issues once in a while-- most likely! ;)

Issues Episodes: Believing What I Believe

Before I start, if you're not LDS, you possibly won't understand much of this post. I'll do my best to explain, but most things are kinda just 'societally' understood in the Mormon Culture. We have our own language: Being "a member", HFPE, Relief Society, Visiting teaching, Home teaching, Callings. We have our own 'culture': burning shirts as missionaries,


Going on girls' camps, or Trek, 3-hour blocks of church every Sunday, clothing or jewellery we don't wear, clothing we DO wear.


Things I've grown up with. And things I love. I think it's a phenomenal religion, and, in spite of researching many others, have firmly believed that this is the one I would have chosen on my own, given the option of not being born into it.

But some things I don't believe. Some things I'm afraid to SAY OUT LOUD to anyone. Things I disagree with.

I hate being 'one foot in' in the church. I hate being 'one foot out' as though I'm a hell-bound heathen.

But, although I feel happy there, and it feels like where I want to be FOR ME and my kids, I feel like the true message is getting lost. I feel like I'm more judged by others than accepted for those issues. I love my ward; the people in it, and the leadership. But something isn't right. I feel like the messages we're all preaching AND BELIEVE IN are hardly followed. Forgiveness. Love. Charity. Compassion. They're there, but so many times, in the SMALLER instances, they're not.

I made promises in the Temple that I can't keep. I can't keep them because I don't believe in them. I don't WANT to keep them falsely. I don't want to act like one person, when I know that's not me. I don't want to be uncomfortable in a place where I should feel peace. Because I don't feel peace there. I never really have. And I tried for nearly 8 years. Trust me, I tried. Do I think it's a great place? yes, for those who believe it to be. It's beautiful! Inside and out!! Some of these buildings are some of the most beautiful buildings in the world. It's quiet inside. It's spotless inside. It's a great place to meditate. But it's not a place for me. I don't know if it ever will be. But today, I don't think so.

The temple is such an integral part of our church. Can I believe in the gospel without believing in the temple? Illogically to most, I believe I can. To most members, though, they would answer no. Chris supports my attendance and involvement in church. For those who speculate because he's not LDS that these are my reasonings-- I came to these conclusions without Chris. During the summer. When I re-evaluated every choice I had ever made, and what future choices I wanted to make. If I left the church or stayed until the day I died, Chris will respect my choices because he knows I made them for ME.

So, I'm trying to figure out how to go what feels like against the grain and do what makes me happy without being a hypocrite. Finding spirituality is such a personal thing. I'm not afraid to feel what I feel. I'm just afraid to admit it, for fear of being shunned or labeled.(kay, seriously, I love this photo. That was a great night for photos, Kare!)

Issues Episodes: Why I Should Stay

what makes you stay?

It's interesting, but this is the only 'episode' that's hard for me to write. The others kinda 'flowed'. Like a little gripe-session. A vent. Full of angst and pain and frustration.

But this one doesn't have that. This one makes me want to hold the reasons just all to myself. This one, of all of them, is most close to my heart, so this one is hardest to share.

Why should I stay with Chris?


In JUST those reasons, that would be enough. And yet, it's not. I mean, no matter WHAT (together or apart), we'll have those three faces. We'll always be the parents to those babies. And staying together 'for the kids' is something neither of us find as a valid solution.

It's not about them, really. We like to think that, in spite of their behaviour issues and upset routines, we did really well with the kids when we were apart.

But I'd be staying for more than that.
I'd be staying because I love him. And yes, love is also another reason, like above, that doesn't necessitate staying together.

I'd be staying because he's a good father. A good provider. A good listener.

Most easy to recognize, is his changed attitude about priorities and self-discovery. When we were married before, he refused any 'help' from counsellors about things he agreed were issues he needed to deal with. Now, he's doing counselling on his own accord. He's writing in a journal. He's finding his own spirituality. He's doing things I need or want without me asking for them first. He's attending church with me TO SUPPORT ME because he knows I need that. He finds me attractive, wants to be with me physically, compliments me all the time. He's trying new things. He's going out, even if just to buy butter, with me and the kids just to spend more time with us. He's now appreciative of the things I've always done for him. He's helping 150x more around the house. He's supportive of the way I run the house. He's supportive of my 'issues' and he's not pressuring me into making any choices on his schedule. He's much more humble. He's trying to make things better in every facet of his life. He's making his OWN changes.

The things written yesterday are there, yes. But some of those (laundry, diet, money) are things that EVERY marriage could endure. Who's to say they'd be different with anyone else? Who'd find it 'cute' when I burst into tears at the thought of mice, or of killing crabs for dinner last night? (yes, true story-- he laughed at me, true, but it was in a 'you're so cute' type of way that only makes me feel SLIGHTLY stupid! lol) Who else will remember the little things? The things that have made me and my kids who we are today? Who else will love my kids this much? Who else will parent the way I want my kids parented?

In most cases, Chris and I parent the exact same. We came from different, but similar upbringing as far as parenting styles went. Chris and I both want the same things for our kids. The things we differ on are usually complimentary to each other. My strengths and his strengths. We use them together well.

And lately, like, the past 4 months or so, dating Chris has been really fun. We've tried a lot of new things together. Some good, some...uh... alright. But we tried them together, and we enjoyed the company. We made memories. More memories of each other in these past few months than possibly in our whole marriage! It's a wonderful thing; to feel like I have a brand-new marriage but with someone who already knows all about my idiosyncrasies. It's a second honeymoon. (although we didn't have a first honeymoon)

Most of all.
I'm one who firmly believes in second chances.

I firmly believe that I could ruin something wonderful because of something that I hold on to from the past.

I believe that people can change.

I believe in forgiveness. Repentance.

I believe that trust is never ALL gone. I like to imagine that, in 42 years, I could sit beside Chris at our 50th wedding anniversary, old and wrinkled, hand in hand, and realize just how much good could have been lost because of a mistake of youth soooo many years ago.

I believe that following your heart will always be the right choice. Even if you're hurt in the end, you don't live with the regret of doing what you 'felt' would have been the right choice.

And I believe that, should I decide to stay, even if the whole world thinks staying with Chris is the wrong decision, I'll still know that I did what I felt was right for me.

In reality.
This "issues episode" is hardest to write because, no matter what I write, I feel that the only thing that is portrayed are 'justifications', illogical emotional ideas, and approval-searching reasons. I have seen people treat Chris differently since the affair was made public, and I hate thinking that, if I stayed with him, I'd have to watch him get his nose rubbed in his mistakes over and over again from non-affected, outside spectators. Family especially, but friends too. That pains me. If *I* can forgive, why is it so hard for others to see that *I* am okay with him in my life-- so they should be too. I understand people get their feathers ruffled over someone hurting someone they love. I'm not naive to that reasoning behind their actions or feelings. But. Because they love me, they SHOULD be able to see that I'm happy with that choice, and accept it. Maybe even be happy with me. He doesn't make me into a bad person. He doesn't abuse me or my kids. He doesn't rub my mistakes in my face. He's a nice guy. He's an incredibly great guy... a great friend- fun and loving. He has phenomenal potential, and if he uses what he's afraid to use, he'll move mountains. I want to be here when he figures out what I see in him isn't in my imagination!

Let's rejoice in a changed marriage. in a changed person. In changed opportunity. Rejoice in the future of an exceptional life together. Rejoice in forgiveness and second-chances. Seeing as we are ALL in need of those.

Issues Episodes: Why I should Go

I never wanted to date anyone else when I was married to Chris. And don't correct me, I am well aware that I'm still married to him. But I'm talking about BEFORE. Before we separated and before we started 'dating' like we are now. er... like we SAY we are now. Cuz, really, what's the difference of us pre-affair and us now?

Actually. A lot!
Money.
Trust.
Fidelity.

big ones.

Before, I never had the inclination to date anyone else. Never thought I'd be happier with someone else. Never wanted to cheat. Never. Marriage was hard, but I was in it for the long run. I worked hard at it. In my way, maybe I was working on the wrong thing. But hindsight, it's a bitch.

And so, when I became 'single' ( you know what I mean by that word) I had to start a different mind-set. In my fear and sadness, I took what rocky, treacherous path laid before me and tried to pick the flowers alongside the road. I looked for the excitement of dating. I forced myself to 'move on' productively. Dwelling on past always kicks my butt, and I didn't want to do that for the rest of my life. For me, and for my kids, I needed to have a positive outlook on the future.

Thankfully, I had friends and others to help with that process. I started to realize that dating someone else had its benefits. I got excited about that idea. SCARED. But excited. I had men who told me they were excited about the idea of me dating too- as they hoped I'd date them. I felt wanted again. I felt worth someones attention. I liked being liked.

And now. Staying with Chris means taking that excitement of dating that I worked so hard to 'achieve' and letting it go. Transferring it to a NEW excitement. But still. THAT other excitement is shelved permanently.

And I'm not sure I'm happy to make that change.

I can't enjoy things I used to. I can't watch movies I love. Or TV shows. Why is infidelity such a huge, prominent issue in what's SUPPOSED to entertain me? It doesn't entertain me. It makes me sad. Two I've seen recently.

Hope Floats
The Wedding Date


I hate living with a constant reminder of pain. With trust issues I never had before. Fear.

I'm not sure that those things will change with someone else in the picture. But it's an option I haven't tried. And I kinda want to.

Besides all this, I like living alone. I hate feeling like the house needs to be perfect or someone will be cranky. If it's MY mess, I can deal. Cleaning other family member's messes (who are over the age of 8) is flat out irritating. I liked eating what I want, when I want. Feeding the kids what I felt like feeding them. No one to raise an eyebrow if dinner was peanut butter sandwiches because I was having a 'take-it-easy' day. No one to complain about not being able to find socks. If I do the laundry of yours, you don't get to get angry when it's not done on your timetable. And not that he gets 'angry'. He hardly even says anything negative about these things. But I know he feels them. I'm smart like that.

I like leaving the house when I want.
I like spending money the way I want.

I had more money with us being separated than I did with us 'dating'.
I had more time to myself when we were separated. Given, I had the kids 24/7 during the week, I had every other weekend to myself. I LOVED those weekends.
Chris suggested keeping it like that (with sleeping in and such) if we're together, but it's different. I feel guilty taking so much time for myself when the kids are around.

I didn't have to report to anyone on where I was or with whom. I feel slightly mistrusted now, for no reason that I can pinpoint. Chris' new jealousy issues are stifling and annoying.

I'm not sure I'm what he needs.

Issues Episodes: Divide and Conquer

I run a dayhome.



I love having my own business- doing things MY way. In MY home. With MY kids.
I love making money. I feel like I'm contributing to my family's well-being. I feel needed, appreciated, and valued. And, if I end up divorced from Chris, I need it to stay in my home and keep my children's stability to the best degree that I can.

I am used to children.
I have had difficult children in my home, difficult parents, difficult situations. I have made or deepened friendships with the families with children in my care.
I have had too little children in the home.
I have had too many children in my home.


I know the difference. My limit of 'sanity' is not your limit. My idea of what's safe may be different than yours. My idea of love is also different. My idea of a dayhome may differ from yours too. I treat these kids as my own. The families who have used me and liked me VALUE that. I am honest in my expectations of the children AND their parents when I take a new child in.

There are many kids here lately. Some are full-time. Some are not.
But they make a mess. They eat a LOT of food. They require lots of hugs. They fight. They cry. They scream.
They test me. They lie. They break things. They hurt each other. They hurt themselves. They laugh. They play. They learn. They experiment. They imagine. They grow.

And yes... this is normal for a daycare.


For one, I'm stressed because of EF's children being added to the mix. I'm stressed because I have a younger baby again-- something I haven't had for a while, and I'm still getting used to someone who eats ANYTHING on the floor. I have older kids who play with pennies and marbles, and, in cases of toys- I have had to throw out any possible choking hazards. In the case of money, I am CONSTANTLY adding to my penny jar. It stresses me out to think that, any nook or cranny that isn't spotless is a potential danger to that baby.

Like most moms of young kids, I have a hard time keeping a spotless house. And now I feel like I HAVE to, not only because I should.

My house is 'baby proofed'. But still. Fear. Sometimes babies hurt themselves without even being near obvious 'danger'.

I'm stressed because getting into new routines is hard. Remembering who can eat what is tricky. Who needs a nap? Who's crying? Who's stinky? Who hasn't been changed for a while? Whose diaper is this? Whose socks are these? Where's your soother, your blankie, your sippy cup, your parents!!!??

I'm stressed that being housebound because I don't have enough car-seats to safely transport the kids is something I've never encountered. I don't like that feeling. I don't like that if my daughter or son get hurt at school, I have a hard time finding a way to get to them in the middle of the day. I can't volunteer at their school. I hate feeling confined to an hour of 'errand time' between dinner and bedtime to take my kids with me and get what I need. First off- AS IF that's enough time. That's on top of homework and Beavers or whatever else comes in.

Who knows how long Child A is gonna be here anyways? Dayhomes have a high turn-over. People move, change jobs, stop working, don't mesh with your style, sleep with your husband...

I take what I can, when I can. Holidays and sicknesses and 'quits' affect my income, and, like any variable-amount job, I take the money when it comes so that the slower/quieter months are sustained.

Taking new kids is stressful.

I have potty-trained. I have taught to walk. To go up AND down stairs (yes, by example-- which I'm sure is humourous to watch). I've helped with homework. At the end of the day, I have provided what their parent's couldn't either by choice or necessity. That gives me pride. And, at the end of the day, I get hugs. And I get kisses. And, on rare occasion, they choose me over their parents. (muahahah) Which makes me smile once the door is closed. Unlike adults, children don't pretend to like you if they don't. So, I'm happy when they seem to return the love I have for them.

And, in case you're wondering,
Sometimes it's stressful, but I WANT this job. I LIKE this job. I've CHOSEN this job.

Issues Episodes: EF back in my life

(Written Thursday)

EF's been a person in my life since we met years ago. At that time, we were both young mothers with young kids in Soccer Camp. She was friendly and fun. Our kids got along well. And I ran a dayhome and she needed a new one.

It worked for the both of us. Money for me, security for her kids, relief for her. *Apparently, it also worked into a bang-buddy for Chris.* (cue bitter sentence end-- actually, who are we kidding? there's a lot of 'bitter' in this one. Get over it. and yes, I'm saying that to you AND me)

She became one of my closest friends. I saw her EVERY day. I grew to love her kids soooo much. I told her things I didn't really tell anyone else. I trusted her with so many facets of my marriage. Told her the bad, the good, and the great parts of Chris (*things she apparently needed to find out for herself?*) I confided in her in a way I don't confide in my friends anymore. I'm now afraid to tell my friends anything about my interactions with Chris. I can't vent, can't share ideas.

She has ruined friendships for me from the way they used to be. I have some INCREDIBLE friends. INCREDIBLE. But, at one time in my life, she was part of that list. Now I am too afraid that, just around the corner, another friend will slap me in the face as equally blatantly and painfully.

I bit off more than I could chew, and built a home I couldn't afford. We needed out of the house. EF wanted a bigger, nicer home.
Again, it worked out, and she and her hubby bought the BRAND-NEW, (beautiful, dream home) house that I lovingly built and designed. I didn't want to abuse or lose a friendship, so I charged her the EXACT price of the home we bought it for. No profit, although, we COULD HAVE made nearly 100,000$ if we sold it publicly. Nope. This just felt "right" to me.

I have always thought she was beautiful.
*Apparently, so did Chris.* She was on my list of people from yesterday's post I wanted to be like.

And when it all went unravelling in front of me, I missed her friendship dearly. I missed her kids. I missed seeing her daily. I hated driving out of my community, as I was FORCED to see my beautiful home with her inside. I couldn't get away from her, and I wanted to. But I didn't want to.

Then I dealt with a million pieces of shrapnel. I put what I could together, and discarded what I couldn't. Albeit scarred, I got better. Until I read Chris' journal, and found out that his disinterest in contacting EF was a lie. He wanted to see her again. To sleep with her again.

I told him to get out. We were done.



****
I have forgiven both of them. I have 'played' with her since. I have enjoyed being around her again. I have cried with her, and I look forward to having her back in my life.
Today, she could call. She could bring her children back into my home. I feel peace and joy when they're here.

She needs a friend. Someone who understands the situation and understands her pain. She needs me. I can't turn away someone who needs my help. I won't knowingly EVER do that.

If Chris is here, how do I know I'm not putting myself back at the same risk? How do I know she's telling the truth when she says she doesn't want to sleep with Chris? When he tells me he's sooooo done with that, how do I know he's telling the truth when he has already lied to me (albeit a long time ago) about his desire not to sleep with her? How do I know they're not currently sleeping together?! How can I deal with this constant paranoia, still have Chris in my life, and still have EF in my life?


*****
(written Friday)

Funny.
Today she called. Needed me to watch her son. And I was, of course, fine with that. Enjoyed the phone conversation, hung up, and proceeded to get all anxious again. WTF?!

I went and put on makeup. Obsessed over what pants to wear so I don't look fat. Obsessed over how to do my hair without making it look 'done'. Jewellery? No. Earrings? uh..too much. Then I cleaned. ANYTHING that could be seen from the front door.

Just.
to.
impress.
her.

To show her that I've got my crap together. That I'm doing well. That everything in my life is pretty and clean and put together. I even wiped the wood with wood-cleaner. So it was shiny.

Pathetic.
And then she arrived. And everything was good.

She'll be calling this evening to tell me if I'm watching her kids this week-- looks likely. Is this my subconscious "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" thing?!! I can't even tell you which side of that equation she's on!

Still, the funniest part about this all: WHO CARES IF THEY DO!? (have another affair)

Really...
The worst that could happen is that they have another affair. So? Good. Answers TONNES of questions quite permanently. I mean, what am I so afraid of? Losing Chris? (uh, do I WANT someone who'd willingly hurt me TWICE and abuse my forgiveness?! Besides. Big deal- I've lived without him once, I perfectly well know I'd be fine if I did it again!) Alternately, what, I lose EF? Big EF'n deal. LOL

So really. I'm dumb. He couldn't hurt me twice with an affair. I did so well in the first one, I'm not really afraid of any others. Not INVITING of others, but that's my biggest fear, and honestly, it's a dumb fear. If I *HAVE* to fear something, I should fear the unknown. Fear mighties. But fearing another affair?? Something I've been through and 'survived'?! That's just moronic.