Wednesday Ws

Who: Musicians
What: Made these songs
Where: in studios, I assume
When: when the mood stroke, I suppose. lol
Why: Okay, let's cut out this W stuff- it doesn't work for this part...My tunes lately. (ya yah, I know it's not Tuesday... hence, it's not a Tuesday Tunes post. It's a Wednesday Ws... and well, it's my blog, and I'll cry if I want to! lol)

And although THIS SONG was a song that reminds me of an ex (don't ask.. it's all good), I 'feel' it today.
THIS SONG is one of those ones I could listen to over and over again lately.

On a different note:

Introduced to THIS SONG recently through a friend, the words are EXACTLY me lately. I'm not generally into this type of music, but this one I like.
And when I need to remember.... why I'm doing this. (I'm really NOT this bitter, but I think it's funny to listen to. Okay, SOME days I'm this bitter... but not TRULY. I loved him. But he WAS one! *haha, how come jerks don't know they're jerks? HAHA*)


Who: The Elders
What: came over
Where: to my house, of course! lol
When: last night
Why: Well, the simple answer is because they're both being transfered to other areas, and they wanted to come by, say thanks for the good times, and goodbye. But I like to think that, in some small way, they were an answer to the prayer of my heart. No, I didn't PRAY they'd come over. But they showed up at PERFECT timing, we had a great, lighthearted talk in the backyard, and when they got up to leave, I asked for a blessing. When they pulled up in their car, as I was outside, that was HONESTLY my first thought-- ask them. I don't know my home teachers very well, and don't want to bother people to come over, so when they just showed up, I knew I was being watched over. Sounds trite to some, too religious and froo froo to others, but we all know that when times are truly hard, one's spirituality is what usually pulls them through. So tough for those who don't get that about me. I needed them right then. And they showed up. And that's not coincidental to me. These boys were great Elders, and I'll miss them. I usually like the newbie that replaces the old one(although it's rare to replace BOTH at the same time), so I'm sure things will be fine again. I needed their blessing. And I am happy I got it.

Who: Me and the kids
What: got a run/bike in
Where: through the community
When: last night
Why: It's proven that exercise alleviates feelings of depression and sadness by releasing endorphines and aiding in mental release of negative thoughts. So I took my cranky kids out... they needed those endorphines. (haha, TOTALLY KIDDING-- it was WAY me who needed it-- who are we really kidding here!? lol) Ran the same route as last time.. today, seeing EF probably would have done me in. She wasn't there, nor was her daughter. Happy not to have that dagger slightly twisted. Yes, I forgive EF. But it still reminds me of the reason the sugar hit the fan.

.....*thinks*

So really, I should thank her. Yep. Today I thank her for getting me out of that. Without her, would I have EVER known about what I know about? Would Chris and I have ever gotten better, or would I still be stuck in what I didn't SEE as unhappiness but was?

Okay, tangent over-- seriously, I need to stay on track with this post. lol

ANYWHO, running sucked. LOL haven't done it in WAY too long, so it's a good thing I did it today. Maybe I'll sleep better. But more importantly maybe it will help bring me out of this funk a bit. And, less importantly, I need to ensure that when I step on that scale tomorrow morning, it is STILL under 140. lol (yes, I step on my scale EVERY day. So what?)


Who: The Conquering HERO!
What: picked up limp-bodied Mighty
Where: from the safety of a long-handled shovel
When: yesterday.. (although Chris didn't end up coming over yesterday, I did it before lunch)
Why: now THAT is the question I keep asking myself! LOL. Yes, I picked up Mighty (in the trap, of course) with a shovel, 5 kids screaming and 'ew'ing and freaking out behind me... wait.. that was me freaking out. Nevertheless, the kids were all around, screaming too. But, PAT ON MY BACK, I put Mighty in the garbage and RESET a new trap. Yep. Me. All by myself. Don't THINK that I didn't want to call over my husky, manly-man neighbour who was outside at the time and ask him to do it... because the thought crossed my mind OVER AND OVER. But no. *I* did it. Me. By myself. With no encouragement from the peanut gallery. The peanut gallery was all dancing around like maniacs about the dead mouse. lol

We won't mention how, before I used the shovel to pick it up, I grabbed the LONGEST handled broom to 'poke' it just to be sure it was dead. ROFL. I'm not kidding. I thought, "maybe it's still alive, and when I go to pick up the dead carcass it will jump up and try to run away again!?" I HATE mice, and it's for the reason that my imagination is like THIS! lol

Another One Bites the Dust

Chris called this morning for some info that I keep in my wallet. Which was in my purse. Which was in the car. Which, yes, was in the garage. ... the very same garage with 8 traps set up!!! 8!! He laughed at me as I exclaimed how badly I didn't want to go into the garage...lol. First 4 traps I see are still set and baited. They're the ones I expected to have caught something in first, as they're nearest to where Mighty was caught. Next 2, still good. I've also caught a mouse near there before. Next one- GAH!!! Dead mouse! Ew ew ew ew ew ew. I put the trap there, but TOTALLY thought it was a dumb spot. Apparently not! I freaked out on the phone, Chris laughing his butt off at me. LOL I know he truly loved me once, because he said that when he comes over later, he'll take care of it for me. What a sweetie. But I told him I'd do it. And I will. Before he comes. Because I have to do that FOR ME-- and a little to prove to him I don't NEED him in that way anymore.
One down.

Doing it for me. Because I don't need him. But last night, I really did. This post is gonna be a bit verbal-diarrhea-ish and possibly hard to follow, but I need to release stuff, and this is my outlet right now.

In the course of a few days, I realized I've been out of touch with my feelings again. I was putting them aside, and putting on a mask of 'everything's good' again. I am disappointed in myself for doing that, as, until now, I've been making a conscious effort to let each feeling run its course. In letting things run their course, I also need to be pretty flexible in recognizing when the first feeling is over and the next feeling has emerged-- even if I'm not mentally or physically (spiritually, temporally, socially) ready to face and embrace it. I wasn't ready for the feelings of last night, but they hit hard.

I got really lonely. I sat back and saw how things in my recent past have been somewhat masking my TRUE emotions... even though it was a completely unintentional, unconscious thing. And it came down on me yesterday.

I think that there's a bit of stress in my life right now that's adding to this instability in my ever-so-calculated emotional state. (right... I'm SOOOO stable! HAHAH, that's a good one) I think that Friday is a much bigger day than I anticipate. Friday I leave for B@@bapalooza- And although I still feel confident about that decision in life right now, there's so many 'what ifs' that are stressing me. Secondly, Uncle moves out. More on that in a sec.

B@@bapalooza:
I worry about getting there and being told I'm not a good candidate for the simple augmentation, being told that without a lift as well, I won't get results I desire, and having to go home empty-chested. (lol.. sorry, that was too good to pass up) I WON'T agree to the lift because I don't have weeks of recovery time-- I have days. Days that an augmentation would be sufficient with, but not a lift. I don't have the money for a lift. I mean, I *DO*, but then ALL financial 'security' I'm building would start at zero-balance again, and I'm not cool with that uncertainty at this junction of life. I don't know how I'd feel about the scars, either. Small point, but it's there.

Uncle:
Uncle has lived here for 2 years. For 2 years I've dealt with his annoying habits, his tedious attention to peeling ALL THE WHITE off of EVERY SEGMENT in mandarine oranges (kill me now! lol), his dirt, his grime, his utterly disgusting diet and refusal to eat certain foods or even 5-minute old 'left overs'. GRRRR.
Yep. Lived with someone else parenting my children when I'm standing RIGHT there-- in my own home. Someone else logged into sites I can't STAND or erasing passwords and account numbers I don't know off by heart because we share a computer. Someone parked in dumb spots at dumb times. Leaving lights on. Leaving food out.
And I hate that he's leaving. I'm gonna miss him sooo much. It's really crashing down on me lately-- I will NOT have a man in the house. I will NOT have someone taller to change the lightbulbs I can't reach in this stupid house with lofty ceilings that Chris designed... I won't have someone here to 'watch the kids sleep' while I go out for hours at a time to recoup with my girlfriends on walks until midnight or so. GV night? Possibly won't be attending unless everyone comes here EVERY time-- how lame will that get after a month! But mostly, I'm gonna miss HIM! His humour, his love, his patience.

Last night I needed Chris. But not Chris himself. I needed what he was to me once. I needed to feel loved as a woman. To feel male arms around me, comforting me that I'm safe and okay and loved. I still need that today, apparently, because as I typed that simple sentence, tears welled up again and fell down my cheeks. I know I don't need a man-- it's not like that. I just love to love. I love to give that part of myself-- I realized last night that that's why I haven't ever been 'alone' much in life. I love to be in a relationship, and now that I'm not, and can't really be, it's a new 'feeling' I'm unaware of. I know how to deal with emotions-- but this one is new. And I wasn't prepared for it. I dont' like it. I don't even know how I WANT to react to it, either.

I needed a hug. No prayer or pillows sufficed last night. So, with my heart in my hands, I took the kids out to buy a new movie. I went on a date with three cuties. Bought this movie and sat with my three monkeys on the floor with the lights off, in our jammies and with our blankies. Cuddled the three of them on the floor, hoping that my physical need would be satiated. It was really sweet, and I needed it.

But, bedtimes passed and light grew dimmer, and I went to bed with a book my sister, Lola so lovingly bought for me recently. Not that it's a particularly SAD book, but it's poignant and relates to how I am feeling. And some of the scriptural or spiritual references to things were what I needed. But the feelings of emptiness were only magnified in that bedroom. I even contemplated moving the furniture again. Instead, I just let myself cry. And, once that ran its course, I opened my bedroom door, called out for Uncle, and he came into my room. Crying, I asked him for a hug, and we sat there, hugging for about 10 minutes-- no short of an exageration. We spoke while we hugged, and it was a touching moment for the two of us.

I'd write what was spoken, but I think I'll keep that one for myself. I will miss him. I am glad to have had him here to make the transition easier. And I am glad to face the next step more alone now that I've had a bit of time to catch my breath. But I'll miss him.

And with school starting in a few weeks, I'm worried about the transition to the new, more structured school for the kids. And we're potty-training right before I leave my kids with my parents and their new house-- I'm stressed that my kids will wreck something or pee on something or act disobediently or crabbily... I'm worried I'll be stressing my parents out since they haven't quite recovered from THIS!!

I'm worried about keeping the dayhome full enough. I'm stressed about the divorce proceedings-- this Saturday is the day of "breathe" since Chris can no longer contest the grounds for divorce. He won't anyways, but still, I'll breathe a bit easier once that day comes. Then we file new forms, and leave it in the hands of judges and legal proceedings that I have NO control over. (Oh, AND the mediation meeting)

I stress about dating and about self-image and about my weight and about and about and about. But that's something I think EVERYONE deals with in one way or another. So I'm not special in that regard.

I cried heartily last night when the scripture from D&C 121: 7-9 was in the book. " My son, ^apeace be unto thy soul; thine ^badversity and thine afflictions shall be but a ^csmall moment;

8 And then, if thou ^aendure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy ^bfoes.

9 Thy ^afriends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands."

I remember that this scripture was one that my father first found after my brother's death, and how much comfort he found in it. I don't know why, but since hearing about that story, that scripture has comforted me more too. And last night, I needed that scripture right then.

But know what I needed more this morning!? (apart from catching Mighty? ;) ) I stepped on my scale.
139 baby!!!!!!!! I SAW The line of 140, and it was on the RIGHT side of the marker! 139! I did it-- just like I said-- a day (or 7) before b@@bapalooza. And I shall leave this depressing and long-winded post on that happy note. ;)

Update on Mickey

oh, and on a side note-- that mouse that I caught the first time, Friday morning? It really WAS Mighty Mouse-- it managed to drag it's sorry a$$ all the way to a spot where it wedged the trap between the wall and a garbage container, turned the trap on it's side, and squeeeeeeezed it's trapped head out, releasing itself!!!

Now I'm left with a mouse somewhere in my garage with a vendetta! eeeeek.

Having told you the rest of the story, you may understand why I bought the SNAP traps (that usually squish the mouse in half) instead of the 'humane-er' ones. Nope, can't afford to have traps going off with mice who laugh when they get away!!!!!

And no. I don't need a cat. I don't have TIME for a cat!!! Besides, Mimi's nearly potty-trained, so I'm almost at the point of not having to clean up anyone else's poop-- why add a cat to that list!? At least, with dayhome kids, I'm PAID to do it now!! lol

Monday Monday

It's Monday. I have had my neck out of alignment for a few days, and everytime I try to stretch or crack it, it's not helping. I have suffered a stupid headache now for over a week because of it. GAH! How annoying. So, last night I went to bed SUPER early (for me) and it STILL didn't help. :( To make crappy matters worse, I started yesterday morning off with a sore throat and my runny nose only got worse through the day. This morning, it's still getting worse! I leave in 5 days-- I Do NOT want to be sick!!! I must must must get better quickly.

Quick status update: Mimi stayed trained at Daddy's house! Apart from the one time she peed AND pooed herself. Ew. So glad I wasn't picking THAT one up! lol

I'm finding my new challenge with Chris is to stop judging his choices. I know what he's doing in his life. It's not my business, and, when he asked me why I even care last night, I realized that I care because I will ALWAYS want him to be a better person. Don't I want that for everyone I know? On top of that surface answer, I need his example to my children to be something I can be secure with. And lately, that's not happening. I am finding that my new 'mole-hill' to get over is learning to let him live with the ramifications of his actions without reminding him how they'll affect my kids. I hope, that in the course of him making a poor decision, my kids will have learned from me enough to recognize his actions as what they are. Still, all the while, I'm trying not to be judgemental... something I need to work on for SURE!I had an interesting weekend. A bit of drama (mostly self-inflicted anyways), but a lot of fun for the most part. Kannie and I spent a while on Saturday together, and she pulled me out of my grumpy mood as we tried on shirts by stuffing other clothes down them to see what they'd fit like after next week. LOL The sales lady just laughed, and I'm sure she thought we were odd, but whatever. Funny anyways. We had a great lunch together, chatting. We had fun in a few other stores, and lots of fun singing at the top of our lungs in the car! lol

For your info: STILL AT 140lbs!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. This is recockulous!

And, for all those who felt my pain last week, I bought a bunch of mousetraps with Kannie, too. That mouse, and all his little friends, are in for it this week. I hope to catch a few this week so I can set up the traps again while I'm gone and see what happens!

Cat Wanted!

GAHHH!!! It is 9:30, and my Friday is NOT going according to my master plan!! And yes, my master plan DOES include craziness-- just not to this extent!!! lol. I'm used to certain crazy adventures.. these are just plain overboard.

Okay, so the kids were up FAR too early for my liking. I usually get almost an hour of quiet time before they wake up while I wait for dayhome kids to arrive. They woke up nearly at the same time as me. :( no matter. Making my shake for breakfast, I had to grab some more orange juice concetrate from the freezer. I opened the door from the laundry room out to the garage, and heard 'scamper scamper'. ?? Odd. Once before I had a cat in my garage by accident, so I looked behind the garbage cans where I heard the loud sound. 'scamper scamper'. Without my glasses on, all I see is the mousetrap being PULLED ACROSS THE FLOOR by a 'headless' mouse!! AAAA!!!!! I hate hate hate hate hate mice! *shudder*. My heart leaped in fear, I grabbed the OJ and got back into the house before the monstrous super-mouse leapt out of it's trap and, with it's killer attack venomous buck teeth, started knawing horrible gashes out of my eyeballs. AHHHH!H!!!! MICE!!! There is no remedy for this type of pain!! I called my sister, who hates mice as much as I do, and we cried together. lol All the while, this horrible creature is suffering a slow, painful death at the bottom of my garage stairs. Dumb thing-- now I can't leave my house! I'm a shut-in!! I'm trapped in my own home!!!! lol

It was then, during our tears of laughter, we realized why I was REALLY going to miss Chris through the course of divorce!!! Somebody has to empty/remove that trap!

Okay, that started my day off on the nastiest foot.

THEN-- And here's the good news... Tuesday morning, Mimi determined that diapers were SO last week, and went 'cold turkey'. She has been bribed with candies, yes, but she is 100% potty-trained!! In three days! I'm in my own personal happy shock over here! She's dry overnight, she's pooping AND peeing in the potty, and were it not for the fact she refuses to wear panties under her dress, life is good! lol. Oh, and the fact that I'm STILL wiping her bum. :(
Soooo, today she went pee. And decided to bring the potty-bucket with said pee in it TO ME!! She accidentally fell down the stairs, and splashed her own pee ALL OVER HERSELF. ROFL!!! okay, it's not funny, but seriously hilarious at the same time. I had to wash her down again, clean up the pee, and still try to be considerate of the fact that she not only splashed her pee all over her, but fell down the stairs. HAHAHAH. I'm such a horrible person to find this oddly entertaining! lol

Last crappy part of my morning-- (haha, sorry, I wasn't trying to play on the potty conversation... moving on) one of the dayhome kids found my glasses. They 'loved' them to bits. And by bits, I mean that literally! My glasses were broken-ish before, but they were REALLY broken now. Thankfully I fixed them to 'wearable' status again. After spending an arm and a leg on contacts back when, I don't care about the glasses enough to get new ones. I will be wearing contacts just to spite the cost! lol

Oh, and yesterday- the 2 two year olds got into my makeup again. Covergirl Colorstay lipstick.... Doesn't come off for about 4 days, no matter what scrubbing and products are used. And dries nearly instantly. Producing yet another one of these moments-- but with TWO of them. One of them is a little boy, too. HAHA.

Oh, life is good. I have found humour again. haha.
Tonight is Bear's birthday 'party' at my house. Chris is coming to get them for the weekend, so we decided that we'll do the birthday dinner and cake here before he takes them, instead of late Sunday (which is Bear's actual birthDAY). Birthdays are a moveable feast in my life. (a picture from Bear's previous birthday-- funny, check out the hot nailpolish on my metrosexual little man! lol)

Wednesday Ws

Who: Mimi, my 2 1/2 year old adorable munchkin
What: is potty training
Where: uh, pretty much whereever I take her little potty-- the kitchen, the toy room, outside. Where she is, there is a potty.
When: We started yesterday morning and continued (THROUGH THE NIGHT) through today.
Why: It's potty training-- why do you THINK? But seriously! I'm sooooo excited! She's been good the entire time with average of one 'accident' a day! That's pretty impressive, if you ask me, considering that just last week she had NO interest in potty-training! AT ALL. I don't know what it was, but I'm thanking Sin for the bag of 'potty candies' for motivation. It's not against my religion to bribe my children with sugar... no sir-ee. It's working, and why mess with what works? Given, she's now figured out that NO MATTER WHAT she does in the potty, she gets to get a candy, so she has pooped a nugget a few times less than the size of a pea just to get that candy. LOL. Whatever. Once the bag of candy is gone, she'll be trained, and it won't matter.
YAY!!
I'm only slightly afraid for this weekend at Daddy's house. Will he be vigilant enough to continue such great progress? Will she feel out of her element and forget to tell him she needs to go?? Will he remember that if he leaves the house he needs to take the potty (and a bottle of water to wash it out with) with him?!!!!!

Who: me
What: bought hand weights
Where: does it matter? Well, if you really cared, they're from Walmart. But seriously, not important to the story.
When: a few weekends ago.
Why: I want to work on my arms more. My legs get worked out through the running and rollerblading and walking and stairs and blah blah blah, but my arms only get worked out by push-ups and tricep dips on the bench. I don't know how to work my biceps or shoulders without weights. It's only my second night of doing my exercises, and let me tell ya, they're hurtin' today! mmmm, I love the feel of my muscles when they've worked hard. Once the boobjob happens, I probably won't be doing much upper-body for a bit, so I have 2 weeks-ish to get as much as I can. :)

Who: Uncle A and Auntie Jo and their kids
What: are coming over for dinner tonight
Where: um... my kitchen. ???
When: when I see the whites of their eyes, but probably somewhere around 6ish.
Why: Uncle A is Chris' best friend... they are like brothers (hence the Uncle part) and he and his fiance, Jo, are in town. They live in Sylvan Lake, but came down here for the day. I love them so much, and have never met her kids, so that'll be nice. They're gonna join us for dinner, and I invited Chris too- I'm sure he'd like to see them too. So it'll be a busy night here. I'm annoyed with Chris again-- yesterday he managed to annoy me yet once more, but I don't know why I expect maturity from him-- that's not really his strongpoint these days. *cue bitterness rant over*

Step By Step

She's baaaackk.
Even *I* can't believe how fast this week went-- it was so excitingly fun and full of family and love. A near perfect week. Although I swear I'm sooo tired-- it's rough having so much fun. lol

I'm gonna go right into the core of things. We'll get back to the light stuff later. ;)

Thursday night, Chris came over for dinner and to get served his papers. They were spelt and filed correctly this time (as far as we can tell), so it was SOOO exciting to get the ball rolling that way. I am glad to know we're one step down. Now we wait until August 16th for the next step (he has to have 15 full days to dispute, which he says he won't -- there's no reason for him to anyways). And we have a mediation meeting and then the rest of it is left in other people's hands (judges, etc).

We're in the kitchen before he's served, and he leans across me to do something. His neck flashes a HUGE purple hickey. I point it out, and simply say, "nice." He instantly gets mad, nearly yelling about how stupid the chick was and how mad he got at her, how immature it was, etc... My thought: Uhhhh, did you not NOTICE there was a vampire on your neck?! I had to remind him that the type of girls he's being with lately aren't exactly 'stellar, mature individuals' to be conscious of the fact that he is a project manager and can't have hickeys when he meets clients, and that a hickey is a mark-of-territory... tacky. He said he told her he was going away for the weekend to BC, and she did it after that. LOL-- TOTALLY marking territory. haha, funny.

He told me I wasn't supposed to see it.
???????
Uh, it's hard not to notice leprosy spots on someones' neck, Chris!!!!

He apologized, and reiterated that he had hoped I wouldn't see it, and asked if I was okay. I admitted to him that it does kinda hurt, but at the same time, I think it's pretty pathetic. I hate that it STILL bothers me, because it's not like I don't know he's leading that type of lifestyle, it's just the constant reminder that somewhat slaps me in the face. It's hard to explain...like that first love who gets married-- you're kinda sad, but you KNOW you don't want them for yourself. lol

Then (Friday) I was at the family reunion. I didn't really miss him, but I noticed the things I missed about having him around. Something simple like bringing the luggage in from the trunk-- that was something he would have done. Or making sure the kids' hands were washed after lunch while I was helping in the kitchen or something. I missed him in the individual family pictures- but only for ONE reason: the photographer set me and the kids up, then looked around. "Uhh, just you four?" And, it's not like he knew any differently, but it still kinda sucked. "Yep. this is it". Still kinda makes me sad to remember that moment- I felt pretty alone for a second there.

My cousin who is also going through a divorce was there. We chatted a bit. I am still sooooo grateful that Chris and I are amicable, but mostly, I'm grateful for clarity and peace. I think I've been super blessed in that regard. Why? I haven't figured it out yet, but I'm not one to look a gifthorse in the mouth. (That's a very strange expression-- who looks in a horse's mouth EVER, especially for gifts!?! lol)

On top of it all, it was Chris' birthday yesterday. A constant reminder of the weirdness of divorce-- do we have a cake (for the kids' benefit)? Do they give him a gift? What should we spend on it if we do??! Do we call him? According to the parenting course, we give a gift that the kids pick out. We did call him, and he said he was grateful to me for doing that.

You know what? This post has depressed me. I shall close it now, and come back to happier things in a bit. Maybe some peaceful laundry will help remind me that everything isn't as broken as I'm feeling right now.