If You Can't Say Something Nice

{I thought about leaving this entry comment-disabled, but instead, please refrain from negative anonymous opinions... I'm not asking for them. Comments are fine from identified or optimistic anonymous people on this one.}



Our divorce papers are now on hold.
Chris asked me to let him move back in.
We're both in counselling.

And things are so perfect, I can hardly believe it. Which is why I'm apprehensive about everything, which is why I'm in counselling, and why I didn't say yes to him moving back in. He's given me no current reason not to want him back and has said and done everything I need and want, but the remnant fears and insecurities are on my part, and I can't make any decisions with those feelings still lingering, as it doesn't make a good start to a relationship. Until I am 100% sure of something, I won't do it.

Just keeping everyone up to date as I don't have much time for full posts.

the 25 days of Christmas?

I got 'tagged'. man, these tags are crazy this time of year. Like we all don't have enough to do! I mean, why aren't you taggers out Christmas shopping and helping the economy?! Why aren't you out carolling (in the +9 degrees we have today, I'll admit that'd look fairly odd). So, in that case, why aren't you petitioning against Global Warming?! (Do it and die!- I'm all for living in a hotter Canada. Although, Canada's pretty hawt, if you know what I mean. Kinda like Phat versus Fat. And Canada's not fat. Nope, we're hawt and phat.)

It's one month to Christmas.

I get as many tags as I see Christmas commercials for Canadian Tire products. Although, I DO miss those "give like Santa, save like Scrooge" commercials. That Scrooge guy was cool. Kinda like Hal Johnson and Joanne McLeod commercials! BODY BREAK! Hal's pedophile-stache is something else, but Joanne's hair takes the cake!

Okay, to the meat and potatoes of the post and enough of my inner thoughts.
(cake? Meat and Potatoes? You'd think I haven't eaten anything in years! lol)

1. Wrapping Paper of gift bags? If I don't have a giftbag that fits, wrapping paper. I LIKE to make the gifts under the tree all matching, but that's not very cost-friendly. So, the gifts *I* give to the kids are all matching, and the others (gramma/family/friends) end up in the back.

2.Real Tree or Artificial? This year, both. For the past 7 years, we've had fake. But, for the FIRST time in my own 'tree' life (not counting living with my parents), I bought real. It's pretty. I just hope I don't kill it.

3. When do you put up the tree? Well, this year it was up later, because I needed to wait as long as possible so as not to kill the real tree. But it's ALWAYS up (real or not) by the last week of November in time for the cookie party.

4. When do you take the tree down? When I want to. Usually after New Year's. Once the kids are back in school.

5. Do you like eggnog? Uh, is the Pope Catholic?!!! YAH I DO!! Love love love. I buy it in OCTOBER, as soon as I see it on the shelves! mmmm. And I dilute the 'light' eggnog (by the way, light eggnog is an oxymoron!) with skim milk, 1/2 and 1/2.

6. Favourite Gift received? Wow. This is tough. I really like my watch that either Santa or Chris got me. Can't remember which one it was. I know I thanked the right person, though.

7. Hardest person to buy for? hmmm. No one in particular. But, seeing as *I* am the one who thinks of the gifts (and purchases) for Chris' side of the family, I'd go with that one. They're always grateful, but I never have any good ideas.

8. Easiest person to buy for? My parents. There's usually 8 of us brainstorming, so in general, I only have to think of a gift every 8 years! lol

9. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes, three of them. One is breakable and large (Thanks to my sis, Lola, who gave that to me one Christmas), one is from my mother that the kids play with, and one we received last year as a '12-days of Christmas' type of thing that I think I'm going to Pay It Forward with. It's really cute.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail- all the way. Although, this year I may not do any. I don't know what to say in them!! LOL

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Barbie bedspread and sheets. I was 12. It was social suicide! I didn't give Santa any ideas, but that was NOT on the option list! lol

12. Favourite Christmas Movie? Oh, I've answered that one before on this blog: Elf. I also like One Magical Christmas.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? December 26th- for the next year. (stole Lola's answers, because, *go figure* we were brought up with a mother who does the same thing. Which may sound crazy to some. But HER mother buys gifts YEARS in advance! It's a genetic abnormality we all have! LOL)

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas Present? Yah, I think. Nothing too big, that I recall.

15. Favourite Thing to eat at Christmas? Stuffing. Egg nog. Guy Lian chocolates.

16. Lights on the tree? Why is this a question?? Doesn't EVERYONE put lights on a tree?

17. Favourite Christmas song? Uh, I have to pick just one? Seriously? Nope, can't do it. Pick a genre and I may have a shorter list of top 5s!

18. Travel or stay home for Christmas? Stay home. Although I like the company when we travel, as it's usually to be with family.

19. Can you name all of Santa's Reindeer? Yes. Whoever can't had a horrible childhood!

20. Angel or Star atop the tree? Both. Angel on the kids' tree, Star on the 'adult' tree.

21. Open presents Christmas Eve or morning? After stockings, after breakfast on Christmas morning... ONE AT A TIME, in youngest to eldest order.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? nothing. I enjoy the crowded stores, the commercials, the songs,...
OH! I know! Being told "happy holidays" and having school "season concerts". WHAT THE FREAK is a "Season Concert"?! It's CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

23. favourite Ornament theme or colour? Colour this year is green and gold. Previous years was 'jewel tones'.

24. Favourite Christmas cartoon? Grinch

25. When do you start listening to Christmas music? USUALLY mid November, although, I've been known to listen to stuff in the middle of the summer if I want, too.

Me And Walmart are LIKETHIS!

I got Walmarted TWICE this weekend. In the course of a few hours!
I mean, I hardly EVER get Walmarted! Seriously!

Chris and I went out on a double-date with some new friends, and turns out they know Gaia too, so we talked about the show a bit. That's not being Walmarted, no. but LATER, we all went dancing. Some girl comes up to me and says "I went to school with you at IT in Edmonton.". UH? I did?!!!! lol I told her I had never lived in or attended school in Edmonton, but she was CONVINCED we knew each other. My friend laughed, and suggested that maybe she knew me from TV. When I told her I was on X-Weighted, SHE LIT UP and started RAMBLING for a while about how much she loves that show and all that stuff! TOO funny. She would NOT shut up about Paul and the other participants and how she JUST watched my episode (yah, I KNOW!).. funny funny. I felt bad for her if she thought that meeting me was significant in her life! lol

Then, Chris and I went to get some food after the club closed. We were sitting down in the restaurant, and some guy comes RIGHT up to our table. In a VERY thick, asian accent, he's all, "I seen you on TV!" (let's not forget, he's got the accent, but to make it HARDER to understand, he's visibly drunk, and we're in a crowded/noisy restaurant!) We smile and say yes, and then pal was so excited and started talking about how he knew it was us and how he saw it because it had the Calgary Tower in it.. (I'm sure that was SO important for us to know! lol) And then he leans in, and asks, "So, how your we-way-shonsip now?" We laughed again. I think it's funny how people think they 'know' us and how TV is so accurate! Too rich. We explained that TV is NOT a true indication of what our relationship was like, and, seeing as we're on a date a year later, HONESTLY, do you think it's that bad?! lol

Now, in fairness, they don't know HALF of the crap that was going on at the time. But they also don't know what was real and what wasn't. And, in the course of this year, there's been some MAJOR MAJOR changing done on both sides.

Anyways. Walmarted twice. Chris and I just shook our heads and laughed.

I put up the tree with the kids this weekend too! SO FUN! The missionaries came over to help, and we had lots of fun with sparkles EVERYWHERE! These Elders we have right now are PERFECT, and we enjoy their company. This week is also the cookie party, so I'm going to be busy for the next little while getting everything done. If I don't blog as much this week, you'll know why.

No More Reruns

When they aired the episode of X-weighted 6 months ago, I talked with a bunch of other participants from previous seasons. They said how much they hated watching their episodes years later, and I thought that was so weird- isn't it FUN to watch yourself on TV?

Yesterday, they reran the episode of mine.

And I got it.
I got how horrible it felt knowing people were once again subjected to my messy house! (haha, okay, actually, that part STILL makes me laugh. Man, Chris was a Flippin' slob on that show! LOL) I got it, how I hated being somehow brought back to that time in my life where I was so fat!!!! I hardly knew how fat I really was, but watching that show reminds me. Thanks for that. Diet starts again this morning!!!!!!
I got it, how it was still annoying to see my words somewhat twisted and put out of order from when I said them and why.
I got it, how rehashing the moments with Fred and the Ugly Cry (oh, HEAVEN HELP ME IN THE UGLY CRY) just makes me mad again. It is NOT a nightie-- it was a project. Ugly or not, I MADE that hideous dress. so pooh pooh on that! lol
But what I HATED the most about watching it again?

Watching it with new eyes. Watching the things I said, and what I didn't know was happening in the background with Chris. Watching me completely love him and kiss him at the end, knowing the whole time that he's thinking, "I'm cheating on her". I hated watching him 'watch' the kids who were EF's. I hated seeing EF's kids because it made me sad and I missed them. I hated having the flood of feelings I felt at the time rush back into my heart for a really pointless reason.

But I loved looking back on things then compared to this time last year. This time last year I was heading for that FRIKKEN FREEZIN' bootcamp in Canmore. It was -22 on the TV, but that's BEFORE the windchill. Running in -40' sucks, so you know! We were frozen for a few hours after that! This time last year I was stressed about a fitness routine that wasn't working, and a SCARY SCARY outfit.

Oh man, if I had only taken a picture on me in that outfit. WAIT A TIC... I think I still have the hideous thing in my basement! Ooooh, I'll take pictures. Just a sec.

Anyways, before I trek into the basement abyss for that outfit-a-sexyness, I'll finish posting.
Yah, watching it was hard.

But really enlightening. Chris and I just sat here and continued to laugh at the messy house part, and laugh at the date that, on TV, was SOOOO brutal-looking with his lame-oh necklace compliment! lol

We both agree that this time last year is not a place we ever want to revisit. It's not fun remembering what we were. We don't like it. I don't like being fat and naive, and he doesn't like being fat and deceitful. It's bittersweet to watch the episode, but I think I'm okay not seeing it again for a while! Maybe except for the messy house part. Or the laughable 'lets-sing-Love-At-Home- in-the-backyard-to-no-one" part! That's always good for a few laughs.

What's the Total?

Totally stressed. Totally PMSing. Totally tired of defending myself. Totally bored. Totally worried. Totally scared. Totally in love. Totally tired of explaining. Totally tired of being judged. Totally misunderstood. Totally confused. Totally changing. Totally supported. Totally tired. Totally inquisitive. Totally trying new things. Totally jealous. Totally insecure. Totally fun. Totally excited. Totally nervous. Totally annoyed. Totally hidden. Totally transparent. Totally finding "totally" a weird word once I look at it too much. Totally goofy. Totally serious. Totally considering un-anonymousing my blog. Totally reaffirmed. Totally wrong. Totally right. Totally forgiving. Totally hurt. Totally apprehensive. Totally keeping my options open. Totally testing. Totally taking my time. Totally relieved. Totally trying. Totally loved.

Totally Everything.

Tangible Loves

So, here's my cant-live-without-it post about products that I think every GIRL should own. *don't say I didn't warn you boys about the content-- although, some products are unisex. Others are.., uh, NOT! In price-ranges like these, you can't get better bang for the buck! Trust me, I've looked and tried many others. Some friends have introduced me to these things, so I'm passing along the favour. If you have others that you LOVE that aren't on the list, comment! I always love trying new things.

• This stuff was introduced to me from my friend, MC. And she was SOOO right-- it's awesome stuff! Every time I wear it, I feel like I have the hottest legs. (which, we all know, is SO obviously undebate-able! I mean, clearly! ) Easy to use and super easy to apply, the colour is natural (not orange or odd) and soft. And it blends SUPER easily. I use the darkest one, and it still looks good. Other types aren't as good for INSTANT colour that looks good. If you 'over-apply', use body lotion to smooth out and blend better, and you're ready to go. no tanning beds, no hassle, no time. Perfect. $15 @ Walmart
  
• Not that I think I'd wear them, but frilly underwear are all the rage in the stores right now. And I think they're SUPER cute. But frilly-bums remind me of underwear I put on my baby girls, and well, something's just wrong about lace on my butt! $15-$30 @ LaSenza
• I found this in Utah, but I'm sure they have something up here by now. It is GREAT for wearing heels and other blister-able shoes without having the hideous bandaid thing. And it works! ~$5 @ Albertson's

• In case you can't find it, THESE ARE DEFINITELY God-send! Best Bandaids EVER!! Soft, padded, and in spite of a previous blister, there is NO pain if you wear the SAME SHOES, as this bandaid totally protects the spot. Love! $?? @ ANY place that sells Bandaids-- They're Bandaids, how much can they really be?!

• I'm a DOVE girl. I use their body wash, their bar soap, their deodorant, their shampoo and conditioner, their eye-cream, and their body lotion. But I find ALL face-creams either drying or too oily. And I have super-sensitive skin because of my proneness to eczema. SOO, THIS Dove product is the only thing I use on my face (only, the sensitive skin/unscented one). It feels great! And works better than other, more expensive brands I've tried. $12 @ Walmart/Safeway/Stupidstore
• Toe rings, and clear/light-coloured nail-polished toes. Feminine and simple. I used to LOVE dark nail polish on toes, but I'm going through a light-coloured phase. You can get 5 toe-rings at Walmart for, like, 5 bucks. And they've got TONNES of different styles. But these are the ones I bought- sorry for the foot-shot. $5 @ Walmart, pack of 5
• Norwex Descaler. BEST PRODUCT! First off, Norwex is 100% chemical-free for cleaning, so you're not hurting the environment or your family who uses the products! That being said, I'm pretty sceptical about 'green' products, because they seldom work. (ie: cleaning windows with newspaper or vinegar-- DOESN'T WORK!) But Norwex has a few products I love love love. One, the window-cloths. The ONLY thing I've ever seen to use ONLY WATER and clean mirrors to a PERFECT SHINE. No word of a lie. Best cloth ever! Second, the descaler. I have glass around my en suite shower and hard water = crappy hard-water deposits on the glass. I have scrubbed and scrubbed- it doesn't come off. No CLR, no other products.. NOTHING. Descaler... I sprayed it on, and the scales came off in seconds. NO scrubbing. Just, washed right off! Permanently. I use it once every 4 months, and it's like a NEW shower! A little goes a long way, too, so the price is SOOO worth it! Amazing amazing amazing! Find a Norwex consultant for these two products alone and you'll thank me. They have lots of other GREAT stuff too! $30 or so-- contact consultant for price
• Lysol Disinfecting Wipes. Haha, going from 'save the world' Descaler to Lysol is a bit of a jump. But some things need disinfecting, and clearly, the bathroom is one of them. I got schooled by dayhome kids about not having these, which was funny, so I went and got some to see what all the fuss was about. THEY WERE RIGHT-- great cloths to wash the toilet with. I use it on doorknobs and light switches and toilets, and it makes everything clean again without having a nasty, germy cloth to wash. Just throw the wipe in the garbage and you're set. $3-6 @ Superstore
• Speaking of wipes, for you girls: on those.. uh... days when you need to feel.. uh... better. Yah. Or the Pap. or whatever. These are worth it. One wipe'll do. LOL They also come in travel-size, individually wrapped. Good to have on hand, I tell ya. $6 @ Walmart

• My favourite Christmas indulgence. Only at Christmas, or else I'd be MUCH fatter than I am. yummy yummy. Try these, you'll LOVE them! $8 @ Walmart/Grocery stores

• The most wicked hair-straightener by Coriolis. I bought it in a kiosk in the mall, and it was worth the money. Yes, they're slightly pricey, but I've had mine for a few years now, and it still works awesomely for straight OR curls. I have the pink one and I HIGHLY recommend it. $200-$250 @ Chinook Mall or other local mall kiosk

Hopefully some of these products help your life as they've helped mine. Could I live without them, yah, but who would WANT to?!

Hey, Mr. DJ!

I was tagged by Suze to do this meme, and her answers were truly hilarious! I'm sure mine will be lame, but here goes! I put the Youtube Links beside them, if you want them.

Ok, here are the rules:

1. Put your itunes/music player/cd player on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT!!! NO CHEATING!

4. After you've answered all the questions, tag three other people.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY? Machine Head (Bush) *link here

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY? Insane in the Brain (Cypress Hill) *Link here

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? Move Your Body (Eiffel 65) *link here

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing (Jessie Clarke Funk) *link here (although it's not Jessie-- I couldn't find her)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? Maria, Maria (Santana) *link here

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? What I Got (Sublime) *link here

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS? Everybody's Free (to Feel Good)- (Quindon Tarver) *link here

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? This Love (Maroon Five) *link here

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT FREQUENTLY? Up To No Good (The Porn Kings) *link here

WHAT IS 2 + 2? Loving Arms (Dixie Chicks) *link here

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? It's Not Unusual (Tom Jones) *link here

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LOVE? Let Her Cry (Hootie And The Blowfish) *link here

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? Dammit (Blink 182) *link here

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? Too Legit To Quit (MC Hammer) *link here

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LOVE? What's My Age Again? (Blink 182) *link here

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? Put Your Hands Up In The Air (Danzel) *link here

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? Toxic (Britney Spears) *link here

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? Makes No Difference (Sum 41) *link here

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? Angels (Robbie Williams) *link here

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? Booty Bounce (Bring It On Soundtrack- DJ Funk) *link here

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? 500 Miles (The Proclaimers) *link here

oh yah, and I tag three people. But only because I had to.

Cloe

Nikki

Dorienne

All Apologies

I got a letter from Beau the other day. I wrote him a letter a few weeks ago for his birthday, but didn't really know what to say in it. First time in his and my friendship where I was afraid of what to say. It was funny, I was actually fearful of what he'd write back, so I sat in the car and opened it right there at the mailbox.

It was a good letter. He's obviously back to 'himself', as his writing is coherent and flowing in ways that it wasn't when he was sick. He's healthy again, which is nice to hear. And he's incredibly remorseful and apologetic. I worried he'd be mad at me for working with the police, (although he knows that's just the way I am) but he isn't. He said some very touching things about how a day doesn't pass that he doesn't regret exposing my family to his 'insanity'. And many sentences to say sorry to me, the kids and Chris.

As he said in the letter, he's "right where (he) belongs". I'm glad he's safe. I'm glad the REAL Beau is back.

Things That Could Be

Lately I've done a lot more introspective thinking. On top of what's been mentioned in the last post regarding my ability or disability to move on.

• Money worries me for the first time since separating. A dayhome mom owed me over a thousand dollars, and I started to really stress about the fact that at ANY given time, these parents can really mess with my life by avoiding payment. She did pay me today, so that took a bit of stress off. I had also started to stress as my cookie party is coming up at the end of the month, and it's my "BIG" Christmas joy. I look forward to this party every year, and it kinda starts my holiday season off on a joyous and festive note. Surrounded by friends and even family, good food and lots and lots of fun, I feel most happy. The true spirit of Christmas is felt, as the bond between people grows tighter and I get to give my first gifts away. With money being a bit scarcer this year, I have had to change a few thoughts about the party, which kinda dampens my enthusiasm. But, truth be told, I think it's worth it to keep the party the same as previous years. As it's the ONE thing that I do FOR ME this time of the year.
  
  
• For the first time, I truly confessed how I felt about Chris lately to a family member. I felt utterly and totally vulnerable, as my family's opinion about my life seems to be the biggest concern to me when compared to others' opinions. The need to feel 'accepted' and loved by my family is bigger to me than maybe is healthy. But it's just the way I am. I always feel loved by my family, but I have this fear of changing my relationships with my siblings or parents because of choices they may not agree with. One being how Chris and I are dating again. Do they agree or disagree? I don't know. I know they want me to be happy, and they want me to be smart, and they want me to have the things in my life that I want.
  So, telling my sister last night words that I haven't ever uttered was frighteningly wonderful. Just getting my thoughts out of my head and through my own mouth. To somewhat explain 'where I'm at' with everything. I don't think I've even said much of those same words to my friends.
  
  
• I'm really evaluating my beliefs surrounding religion. I enjoy searching my soul/spirit/heart (whatever you call it) for my thoughts and feelings. I enjoy testing things for myself. I've always thought I had a personal testimony of certain things, but now I'm actually able to put things into my OWN words and my OWN heart. To make things mine. I don't think I'm explaining myself too well right now, but I think it's one of those things that you just "get" if you've been where I'm at.
  
  
• The dayhome has gotten a few 'nibbles' on childcare since putting up the ads, but so far I only have one more child at once a week. So, it's not enough to sustain the home long-term. That being said, Chris told me of a connection he has to a magazine publisher who is looking for editors and writers. Now, I don't make ANY claim to be a talented writer, but editing is something I'd actually find joy in. And it's a job I can do in my own time, which also appeals to me, as I can put in hours during naptimes and bedtimes where I'm undisturbed by children. I am afraid of taking on too much, but on the same hand, it's not a job where I have to put in a required amount of hours. And that company is big on 'ease' and sustainability as far as being in my life. I may not have a better option, either, as, if I can't find children to care for, I need to make money, and I'd prefer to do it still being at home with Mimi. I will look further into this. It actually excites me, as I'm somewhat of an English/Writing enthusiast. Whether I'm good at it or not, I find joy in it.

Gone Country?

I'm kinda funny with music. A lot of time I find a song which finds a song I had long forgotten. Such as this one that I can't seem to stop listening to: You Left Me (just when I needed you most)

Songs from Tim McGraw bring me back to 2000, when Chris and I were living in separate provinces. When I was 'knocked up' and Chris and I were hurt and fighting and heartbroken and misunderstood. My roommate, Amber, played CDs all the time, but in particular, this one. And we would dance like girls in our tiny living room to "My Best Friend". And I'd cry to "Some Things Never Change". And I would feel afraid, she'd make me laugh. I'd cry, and crawl into bed with her as she told me that things would be okay. She dealt with my pregnant hormones, my dirt and filth, my broken car. She dealt with so much.

It's funny, my music tastes. According to the ever-omniscient Facebook, I have the worst taste in music! lol (that stupid "compare me" thing is soooooo dumb). I just like what I like. And I find it most funny that in the hardest times of my life, I equate a country CD to that time period.
Odd, seeing as country is NOT the radio station I frequent.

When I found out about Chris and EF, I found this CD in my car. I listened to so many songs on that CD. Over and Over. I cried to "I Wish" on the way to get the stupid STD test. I listened to it on the way to church. I tried to listen to something else, but in reality, this song was the only one that said what I felt in my heart.

Music is the song of the heart. Like said in "Hear Thou The Song Of My Heart", one of my favourite choir/religious songs. There's times "when my heart can find no voice" and I need someone to "hear...the songs I cannot sing." My song lately? I'm kinda torn between a few. But when I find it, I'll share it.

Maybe I'm weird or deluded. But I still find it soothing to listen to songs about being hurt, of being left, or even being cheated on. Not because I feel bitter that way, but because it's nice to feel understood and to have the power of music to instill those feelings more securely in my right to feel them.

I was talking to Chris yesterday about bitterness and not being able to 'move on'. I know that, as much as it sucks to recognize, but the person who would more likely drive the final nail on the coffin to our reconciliation would be, in fact, me. To not be able to let go of that near animalistic instinct to retaliate. To always feel like a victim, and to carry that cross with me for fear of losing identity in the process of removing it. I know people who I believe have that issue... the almost tangible need to 'hold on' to the victim in their lives for nothing other than fear of losing one's self. Who am I if I'm not the divorced? Who am I if I hadn't lost a loved one? Who am I if I haven't been wronged by family members? In reality, haven't we ALL a reason for being a victim at one point in our lives? Why do I feel the need to continue to feel as such? To sometimes need to remind Chris of my hurt?

Forgiving is one thing. And I'm not expected to forget-- that would be asinine and put in me the same category as an ostrich with its head in the sand. To forget the lesson would be foolish. No, not forgive and forget. Forgive and let go. The forgiver remembers the true, though painful parts, but without the embellishment of angry adjective and adverbs that stir up contempt.

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”

Lewis B. Smedes quotes

Be My Joseph!

I have had some weird dreams lately.

One in particular, I'm bringing up with you guys to get your ideas on the meaning. So, if you feel inclined, lemme know your interpretations.


I was somewhere familiar. In someone's home- possibly mine, as I felt like I was very comfortable there. It may have been my parents' home. With the kids, and Chris, and all my family members and even a few friends. There was a bad guy, some Russian-like mafia guy who was OBVIOUSLY out to create sadness in our lives. I didn't know if he'd kill us, or put us in slavery or something, but I knew we didn't want to let him get us. Everyone was afraid of him and knew that him catching us would prove very bad in our lives. We could see him walking toward us, kinda up a hill. I started to worry, and started to initiate the 'evacuation'. Everyone else was worried about him and knew he was a bad man who was going to hurt our family somehow, but they started dallying. Started complaining that they couldn't find their shoes, or that they haven't packed enough of the 500 LBS of food storage. That their 72 hour packs weren't packed ENOUGH (even know we all knew they were done exactly right). My sisters, their kids... EVERYONE-- just kept finding stupid things that were keeping us from leaving RIGHT AWAY! I kept telling Chris, "we HAVE to go! He's RIGHT THERE!!" and Chris would nod his head and do something stupid like start making sandwiches for the car-ride. My kids were playing with their cousins. I was the only one. The only one in EVERYONE I KNEW who was seriously worried and seriously moving. Who cared about shoes? You had to GO! But I knew I couldn't leave on my own- I knew I'd be in MORE danger out there alone and I knew I wouldn't be okay with leaving everyone I loved to possibly die. and possibly NEVER seeing them again.



that was it. I don't know if the man ever caught us. I don't know if we got away.

What a whirlwind weekend!

I have been officially busy.
Not in a bad way, though. In a good, productively, family-spent way.

This weekend kinda flew away from me.

The Play-by-play:

Friday night was uneventful. (I think. Wow. Sad that I can't remember Friday night!. .. OOOHHH I remember. yah, uneventful. I went to bed by 10 pm)

Slept in on Saturday, until I got going on the rest of my day. (Crap. What did I do SaturDAY?)

No matter. The interesting part was Saturday night. My lovely friend, Sin, took my kids for the evening so I could go on a date. With my new boyfriend. And yes, silly goofs, it's Chris. My Banff date was Chris too. (I must admit, I was kinda surprised that some were confused by who it was, as in previous posts I've talked about how great things are going between us. )

ANYwhoozle, so we went out dancing again.

It was an okay night. We didn't dance as much, but we talked with some other couples that we were introduced to at the club. Chatting away about dumb 'what-do-you-do-for-work' type of things, this one couple shocked us! They were TOTALLY interesting to Chris and I: he was from Bountiful, (in Creston) , and she was from Colorado City, (in Arizona), both which are part of a polygamist colony. They were 25 and 29, and had been married for 10 years. They met 24 hours before their wedding-- it was arranged, yes. And they left the colony 6 years ago. Parents of three kids... one is 9 years old!

TOTALLY interesting! We wanted to talk to them more about that life, but frankly, I wouldn't even know what to ask without being rude by asking them personal questions or asking something that came out as offensive! Maybe my fascination with that whole lifestyle is odd, but am I the only one who feels kinda like the rubbernecking crazy driver!? I've never met anyone who's 'left' the colony, like they had. And I didn't want to offend them by bringing up too much about that life-- it was obvious they didn't want to talk about it too much. Id' think it'd be because most people don't understand, and the couple is probably judged a lot for the actions inflicted upon them. That would suck. So I can understand that.

Sunday was church. It's soooo nice that Chris comes with me to church every week now. It's one of those 'new boyfriend' things that is impressive to me. No complaining, no grumbling. And no bargaining. He just gets up and comes with me. And I'm loving that.

Monday, I spent with friends and family. Chatting in my kitchen from pretty much 10 in the morning until 8 at night! Crazy! Good thing I didn't have too much to do! I FINALLY went for a run. After volleyball, Chris and I stayed up late and watched a movie. It was nice.

And today (Tuesday) we spend the day as a family. We set up one of our Christmas trees... the kid one! how can you tell?! ;) I put up posters for the dayhome. We went for a long walk. We put up the Christmas lights outside...

Fun times were had in the past few days. And now we're back to routine (hopefully) tomorrow. I have a job interview tomorrow, and a million thing on my list of things to do. And buy. And clean. And sort. And get ready.

Yep. busy. And I'm loving this type of busy.

At Least Buy Me A Drink First!

yah.
violated-me is now blogging.

and no, no one who reads this is unaware of what a pap-test entails. At least, I'd hope not. And in case you don't know; my sister wrote an essay on it. I'll forward it to ya! But let me enlighten you on my day of terror yesterday. Because, you may THINK it was simple--
It took up MY ENTIRE day! From 10:45 to 3:30 ~~ yah, fun fun.

No, there's nothing 'wrong' with me (at least, that the Doctor knows! muahaha) but I had to go to two different clinics, got to get naked TWICE for two different doctors. And do the 'scootch' twice. ( I've decided that nobody, no matter how..uh... well-versed they are at this procedure, EVER scootches quite far enough. I think it's just a phrase Doctors use when they don't need to... but when I feel their breath on my belly button, I get a little squeamish about scootching ANY further!! lol) I got to fold my clothes perfectly on the chair, carefully hiding my underthings, TWICE. I TWICE got to do the eternal internal debate : Socks? or No socks? I decided on the no-sock option-- as totally nekkid with black socks on looks ridiculous!!!I got to fumble with a paper sheet that's SUPPOSED to cover.. uh.. me!! I got to freeze while "wearing" my sexy paper napkin twice! I got to get the Doctor's 'play-by-play' twice. I got that COLD COLD speculum, yep.. you guessed it, TWICE.
Not my idea of a fun time.

But I didn't cry. Progress, people, progress.
If I had something better to talk about from my day yesterday, I would. But other than that... fun day of fun. Party on. Holla. Jam out!

(haha, yes. that still makes me laugh.)

So, thanks for your input yesterday everyone. Those were good words. I forgot one.
Discharge. Ew. yep. Another yucky word.

And, I thought I'd update you on my latest dating scene- My boyfriend's name is Trevor. He's hot, and he sings really well! He's from my hometown of Vancouver too, and we all love BC boys. I'm newly in love with THIS song of his, seeing as he OBVIOUSLY wrote it for me. I've loved him for years and years.
He doesn't know he's my boyfriend yet, though, so if any of you run into him in passing, give him my phone number! LOL

Words and Movies.

Movies I love and Am Slightly Ashamed Of Admitting:

Stomp The Yard
Can't Hardly Wait
Step Up, Step Up 2

Dude, Where's My Car?
The Ringer

Okay. Is it bad that I don't miss working? That, although I SHOULD be out posting ads for the space in the dayhome, that I'm avoiding that like the plague!? I love this lazy-bit.
Remind me of this day when we're homeless and we're wrapping toilet paper rolls for gifts at Christmas!

Off to shower. Then off to my favourite thing ever-- the pap. ew. I hate that word. I hate a lot of words, but that is definitely one of them!!

• panties
• moist
• when people say shhhhedule instead of sKedule. (phonetically, obviously. I DO know how to spell schedule)
• mature when pronounced "mah- TOUR" instead of "mah- CHUR".
• irregardless

Words I love to say:

• can mostly be found here: bulbous bouffant
  
• hemidemisemiquaver
• pontificate
• soliloquy
  

Because you all wanted to know. I bet you think of your OWN fun words today! Pontificate makes me smile EVERY time! :)

Wednesday Tunes??

Technically, Tuesday was my tunes day. And Wednesday the Ws. But I've avoided the blogging-land for a few days. And I know you all noticed and were secretly dying a little inside. Yah. I know.

So, I'll share some tunes. And, if my friend with the carpet cleaner doesn't show up by the time I finish, I'll even share some 'life a la Debbi" with ya (ie: Chris' purchase of a shotgun, my birthday weekend, the sad passing of my dog...etc)

Tunes first:

• I am so in love with this song right now. Most have heard it on the Top 40, but in case you live in a bubble like I sometimes do, check it out:

Better In Time- Leona Lewis
And yes, I kinda think it feels like my single-life sometimes.

• And, a true classic Carol Burnett moment. She's a genious. This song makes me laugh- after running a dayhome, I find comfort in knowing that I do a much better job than she does! LOL And who cares that she's a fictional character and I'm not. That doesn't matter in my world! ;)

Little Girls- Carol Burnett
And yes, I kinda think it feels like my dayhome-life sometimes. :)

• I never saw Return to Neverland (Peter Pan 2) but in searching an artist I like (Jonatha Brooke) I found this song.
  

I'll Try- Jonatha Brooke (and don't listen to the Jesse McCartney version, it's not half as good!)
And, you guessed it, yes, I kinda think it feels like my spiritual-life sometimes.

• My other new song, which, again, is on the Top 40. It's one of those ones I can listen to over and over and over and over... you get the point. I'm not even a big fan of Alicia Keys, (talented, yes, but some of her songs bug me) but yah, this one is good.

No One- Alicia Keys
And, believe it or not, this one kinda reminds me of my love-life lately.

Love life.

ready for the lowdown?
(please, friend, bring me the carpet cleaner NOW. Before I spill my gutts... Now...
Now....
???
No such luck. )
Alright, here goes.

Love life is so good right now.
I'm dating this new guy who is simply amazing me. Sounds ridiculous, but he is sooo attentive of my needs. He is doing things I would have normally had to ask my ex to do, but this new guy just does them. Without asking. And it's so refreshing.
He's hot. He's sexy. And he is totally into me, and tells me all the time that I'm beautiful and tells me how much he thinks I'm amazing. He tells me things my ex never said. He touches me so kindly-- helps me ALL the time with stuff around the house. (although, I DID put the latest Mighty in the trash all by myself-- props to me. Holla!)
He's patient with the way I raise my kids. The way I keep the house. He never criticizes me or my job. He supports every decision I'm making lately, and most times, is standing there beside me when I make them. He's so smart and is WAY more humble than Chris ever was! He finds me smart, he finds me caring.
He is sooo good with the kids, and they totally love him. He has a job he loves. He is SOOOO different from my ex. So, although dating him freeks me out, I have nothing bad to say so far.

He took me on a date for my birthday. As a total surprise. Just said, "find a sitter" and that was that.

We went to Banff. And, by the way, I absolutely LOVE Banff.

Lucky for me, *auntie* Kannie agreed to stay at the house to watch the kids. They miss her, since Uncle doesn't live here anymore (not to mention how they broke up... so not the point) and she misses them, so it was nice to have her back. Couldn't ask for a better person to watch the kids-- she knows them, she knows their 'routines', and to top it off-- she knows where the cups are kept in the kitchen! lol

We got to Banff, and he took me out for Sushi. It sucked! The sushi wasn't really good, surprisingly, since the Fairmont does EVERYTHING really well. And we both like Sushi, so that was slightly a let down.
No matter. We went and got ready for the night, and took off to a local pub to watch the Calgary Flames' game. And ate greasy calamari and spinach dips and all that.
After the game, we walked across the street (isn't there only one street in Banff anyways?! lol)
to the local nightclub, Aurora.
It was DEAD at 10:30 when we arrived, aside from a bachellorette party, a few random people, the token two chicks (who can't dance) trying to get their groove on on the dance floor--to no avail, and another stag party in two separate corners.

Funny sidenote: the stag guys were all dressed in ponchos and sombreros and fake mustaches. Was the funniest thing ever. Silly boys were drinking Tequilla, which the bartender told me tasted like Pooh in a cup. mmmmm sounds delightful, I'm sure.

I went to the bathroom, and in the two minutes I was in there, my date had three girls surrounding him! I kinda stayed back, my insecurities getting the better of me. I didn't know what to do! He turned around, and saw me, and motioned for me to come over. I figured he maybe knew them.
Turns out he didn't, but they were the girls from the bachelorette party, on a mission to buy 'the hottest guy in the bar' a drink. Yep. And he was with me. yay. Eat your hearts out, girls! ;) (who cares that one of you is getting married in a few days)

Anyways. I forgot how much I love dancing. I mean, I KNOW I love dancing. But I forgot just how much! Seriously. Favourite thing almost ever! I'd dance over ANY other physical activity. (har har, you dirty minds can also take that as a "yes, even that!") No. Seriously. dancing is life.
We were there until the bar closed at 2:30! dancing the ENTIRE time! LOVE!!!!! Well, *I* danced the entire time. He danced with me a bit, and then sat back and watched me dance with a look of admiration in his eye that fed my ego.

Sunday was good too-- Daylight savings was working WITH me, and I had an EXTRA hour of COMPLETELY uninterrupted sleep. no kids. no phone. Nothing!!! ahhhh, heaven!

We went to the brunch in the Fairmont. By the way-- best brunch EVER. Ever. period! Sooo worth it. But make sure you make the reservations ahead of time, as it's busy busy!!
We went shopping at the Christmas store, but was slightly disappointed in the fact that they didn't have many village peices out yet. (that's my main 'thing' I go to that store to check out!)
And then I trekked over, hand in hand with my hot date, to the candy store to pick up candy only they sell. Seeing as it was packed COMPLETELY to the door, I declined waiting in line for the 2$ candy I was buying. I can go back when it's quieter.

Then I came home.

How does the weekend get any better than that? :)

Chris' purchase of shotgun:
During dinner on Monday, LL had TWO, yes, TWO boys call her on the phone. Which, of itself, was shocking, because she's NEVER had friends call her. But this was BOYS!! I asked her who these boys were, and the sparkle in her eye worried me. Then, ever-so-smugly almost, she replies, "oh, he's just my GOOD friend". And smiled.
Oh geez~ she's only 7. I'm in for it!! Please, tell me this is as bad as it gets! Please, somebody?! let me live in that bubble for a few more years!
Cuz, seriously, when I was 7, my best friend was also a boy. But I NEVER thought romantically about him. Not once. Derek and I just hung out. Simple. We had sleep-overs and everything was on the level.
Now I feel old, as I think, "my, how things have changed since *I* was that age". Pull out the Geritol, Gramsy!

And lastly, on a sad note, my dog, Simba, passed away last night. He lived a LOT of years for even a dog, so although it's sad, he was old and that's the circle of life. I got that dog after asking my parents for him back when I was 14. He was just a rambuncious puppy back then. I haven't lived with him for many years now, as he lived with my parents. But he was a great dog, and will be missed.

Still AFK!!!

Sorry, guys-- still decorating. I've been given a carpet cleaner from my friend for the day, so today I'm gonna clean carpets and finish most of the decorations. I won't be doing the tree for a week or two, though, so there will be boxes in my front room for a bit. (grumble) Someday I'll post again-- with my more free time. Still no dayhome kids. And tomorrow I have my birthday present to myself: my yearly physical. Joy of lameness.

HAHAH, funny. Saw this on THIS blog.What a moron. Funny. Good actor, dumb as a post, apparently.

Okay, off to vacuum.

Tropical Tree Frog Costume GIVEAWAY!!!!

Tropical Tree Frog Costume GIVEAWAY!!!!

How is this not too adorable!? I'm not even sure my kids would fit it anymore, but I have nieces and nephews and they'd be too cute in this costume!!! For shizzle

Okay, real post coming up. When I get the energy and time-- I'll be cleaning today (laundry, ect) and TOTALLY cleaning lots of stuff (as I was away this weekend, and everyone knows the house is usually fairly messy when Mom is away). I'll also be shopping for groceries and putting decorations away and hauling Christmas ones up and going for a walk to put up posters for the dayhome and all the other stuff I have to do...

I'll post about my killer weekend later, but until then, just know I'm cleaning like a mad woman.