Save Me From Myself

You know some days when you just can't stand yourself? Like, seriously!? I seem to be in that 'day' for the past FEW days! lol Like, I feel like a chicken with her head cut off. (and on a total random side-note-- check out this link!)

I work all day on my lists of things I need to get done and yet, by the end of the day, I can't think of a single thing I got done?! I feel like I can't get ahead of myself. Like I can't get organized. I feel like I'm going crazy.. or something!

I thought it was stress-related. But that doesn't make too much sense, because there hasn't really been any 'changes'. But, once I think about it further, I have decided that there could be a FEW reasons for this unease in my head:

• The papers are actually filed. Like, FILED!
  
• The boob job is actually BOOKED.
• I lose a dayhome child today (which means money changes)
• EF and I still have to discuss September and if her kids are coming here. If not, I need to advertise for more full-time kids again.
• My walking this week?? Monday night only! And that walk was an HOUR less than normal, so not even a full 'walk'.

The Papers
Yes, maybe I'm stressed because it's now actually 'real'. I'm not sad about it. Not even in the slightest. But it's kinda that, "wow. This is real" feeling. Like a shocked feeling. But not in a sad way. I want that to be perfectly clear. NOT in a sad way. A scary way, more like it.
Why scary? Because it's the start to the end of an old life that I was familiar with. A new life begins after that, a life I don't know what to expect. It's scary for me. And with all of that, I think about dating.
I went out for dessert the other night with a good girlfriend of mine. We sat and talked, and she helped me to evaluate a few things I hadn't thought of. Like dating and future marriage. I'm actually AFRAID of dating. I'm afraid of kissing someone else-- I have kissed the same guy for 8 years. I know how he worked, I know what he moved like, I know what he liked. I know he knew the little stretch marks on my body were from which child. And then I remember that he didn't find me attractive, which makes me nervous. If the man who SAW those stretchmarks happen, who witnessed me birth those bundles of joy couldn't see those stretchmarks as badges of honour but more like the war-wounds that my selfconscienceness saw them as, how could someone ELSE think any differently?? I know it's pathetic, but it scares me into thinking that someone else who didn't SEE those stretchmarks 'grow' will only see them as the scars that they are.

The Boobs
B@@bapalooza is on. And maybe that stresses me because I've wanted it for so long, and now it's actually ON. It's real. It's in a month. And I'd lie if I didn't say that it scares me-- I've never had surgery before, I've never been 'put under'. And it's a bit scary. But I'll be fine, and I know I'll feel so much better about myself anyways once it's done. I *DO* find the timing somewhat funny--
I know people think I'm getting the boobjob because I'm going a bit 'divorce-crazy' like most people do after a breakup. But that's not it. I've wanted this for years! And it's just funny with the timing because NOW I can afford it, and NOW I'm getting divorced. So that's kinda merely convenient.

Dayhome Child
I love this kid. Really, there aren't any kids in the dayhome I DON'T love. But not the point-- this is the one that makes me laugh my butt off. He's such a cutie and such a good kid. I'm gonna miss him, but his mother needs subsidized daycare, and I'm not registered, so I can't provide that service. But we'll see how things progress- dayhomes have a lot of turn-over and changes, and I'm used to that.

EF
This all ties in to money, and dayhome. And I've probably talked that one to death. So no need to elaborate, right?

Walking
Still at EXACTLY 140 lbs. GRRRRRR. Seriously?! Annoying! lol I am not going UP, though, so that's a good thing. My luck-- I'll hit 139 the DAY I go for B@@bapalooza.... hhahaha. But I do miss the girls-- last night's girls' night made me laugh soooo hard. The driving had SIN and I barely puttering along faster than a snail-- we were laughing too hard to be able to drive. I am NOT exagerating when I say my mouth is DYING from being in the 'laugh' position for too long! LOL